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From Blackouts to Barbells: Rebuilding My Life Through Movement · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
So it had been building for a while, but I think the moment
0:03
where I like subconsciously I was like, I am probably an
0:05
alcoholic. But the, it was in my, the
0:08
summer of 2018 and I went to Oceaga, the music festival.
0:14
Yeah. And I blacked out for 24, no, 48
0:17
hours, blacked out for 48 hours. It was Friday.
0:21
And then that's the last thing I remember.
0:22
It was like Friday at 11 AM and then it it all goes black and
0:27
then all of a sudden it's like night time and I'm like, oh,
0:30
what are we going to do tomorrow, guys?
0:31
And they were like, it's Sunday, like we're leaving and you've
0:35
been fucking terrible to deal. With what a bad hangover do we
0:41
jump to? Hi there, welcome back or
0:44
welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast, the show where we get
0:47
real about mental health and addiction.
0:50
I'm so glad you're here. If you or someone you love is
0:53
struggling with drugs or alcohol, please reach out for
0:56
help. Send me a message on all social
0:59
media platforms at Recovering Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at
1:04
recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com. You are no longer alone.
1:23
OK, I want to I have to tell this story.
1:24
Before Oh my God. No, it's, it's, it's, it's
1:27
embarrassing for me, not for you.
1:29
Yeah. So we've been friends for a
1:32
while and I saw last time I saw you before the last time I saw
1:36
you, which is at a gathering for recovery us.
1:39
A gathering. Yeah, a gathering for recovery.
1:41
And we were catching up. And I was like, do you remember
1:43
the last time I saw you? And you were like, oh, yeah.
1:46
And I was like, in my head, this is funny.
1:48
I want to get your perspective on this, too, because it's
1:50
interesting to me. Again, I thought nobody knew
1:53
what was going on. So we it was the winter and we
1:56
were at another recovery gathering and I saw you.
1:58
I hadn't seen you for a while. And I remember saying hi to you
2:01
and I remember leaving that gathering early and I went to
2:05
the bar and you texted me after and you were like, hey, are you
2:09
OK? Is everything?
2:11
I thought nothing of that. I was like, oh, she has no idea.
2:13
She's just like being a good person, right?
2:14
And then I come to see you like a few last week or two weeks ago
2:18
and you're like, yo, you did not look good, bro.
2:20
Yeah, it was like, but it was very obvious, like just because,
2:24
because I have known you in recovery and I've seen you like
2:30
with the light shining through you and you were like, you did
2:34
not look like you like your body language.
2:37
You were. So you were like slumped over.
2:39
I'd never seen you like slumped over like that.
2:42
I've always seen you like very proud and like, and you just,
2:45
you were covering your face and you weren't making eye contact.
2:48
And that's like, so not like you.
2:50
And I was sitting across the room and I saw you sneak in and
2:53
like there was just this like second, like sixth sense that
2:57
lit up in me. And I was like, he's not OK.
3:00
I just knew. I just knew.
3:01
But it was all these like telltale signs where that's just
3:04
not how you carry yourself when you're well, like, and I don't
3:08
mean the general you, I mean like you.
3:10
So interesting. I was like, I was going to.
3:12
I was like, OK, I'm going to talk to him after.
3:14
And then you left, and I was. Like I showed up late and then I
3:17
left early. I was.
3:18
Like. No, but I appreciate.
3:21
But I did try to reach. Yeah, and I appreciate that.
3:23
I mean, it's I again, my perspective was you nobody.
3:27
You had no idea. Oh, I knew.
3:28
You just thought I was going to. I told you some bullshit excuse
3:31
too, and I was at the bar and I was in the middle of a relapse.
3:34
Right. I knew immediately that you were
3:36
not OK. That's so funny, yeah.
3:37
And you were like, I'm fine. And I was like, oh.
3:40
Yeah, Samantha's OK, pal. I actually had thought in the
3:42
back of my mind, I was like, I hope he isn't he.
3:45
I either thought that you had relapsed or that you were about
3:48
to. I think I was I was in the
3:51
middle of it. So I wasn't like that.
3:52
I went to a bar right after that moment.
3:54
I was already decided I was going to the meeting for for
3:59
face value for somebody else, showing them that I was, you
4:01
know, getting into back on the track of recovery.
4:04
And it just goes back to this point of like, man, you cannot
4:08
get anybody else sober, right? Or you cannot like you really do
4:11
have to want it for yourself. 100%.
4:14
So that leads me into your story.
4:18
And yeah, thanks for coming down.
4:19
I don't know why I didn't ask you earlier.
4:20
It's like you're a perfect person for this.
4:22
I've known you for a long time and you're a great talker and
4:24
communicator. And you also have the light.
4:26
I know what you're I totally when you say like the light
4:30
shines through people and and that's why I love recovery.
4:32
I'm going to shut up in a second.
4:33
I bronze. No, I love it.
4:35
I love. It I love recovery because you
4:36
get to see people that have that body language, darkness,
4:40
blackness. Yeah.
4:41
No soul turn into this lighthouse.
4:44
Yeah. Really.
4:45
Like truly like a lighthouse, like in the storm and there's
4:48
like a big storm going on. And I think for me, like I did
4:52
not know that I was in a storm because I grew up.
4:55
I'm from Toronto. I grew up in Toronto and I've
4:58
been thinking about this a lot recently where when I started
5:01
drinking, I truly just thought I was having fun.
5:05
Like truly because we were watching shows like The OC and
5:10
One Tree Hill and they drink excessively and they're in high
5:13
school. And I was like, well, I'm just
5:15
like mirroring what I'm seeing. I like started out as a binge
5:20
drinker in high school, so it was just on the weekends and
5:22
then I was really high performing.
5:24
So keyword is like performing. Like I knew how to talk the
5:28
talk, I knew how to get good grades.
5:31
I knew how to get teachers and people to like me.
5:34
But like on the inside, I was like suffering.
5:36
I was also like a gifted athlete.
5:38
I was very gifted and cross country.
5:41
And I did all of that, not because I enjoyed it, but
5:44
because it got me love and attention.
5:48
When I'm born and raised in Toronto, when I was six years
5:51
old, it was like me and my mom and my dad.
5:54
And then I remember one day, just, like seeing the truck,
5:59
like, all packed to the brim, and it was all my dad's stuff.
6:02
And even when you're 6, you like, know what's going on.
6:05
And I was like, what's going on? Where's Dad going?
6:08
And Mom was like, oh, we're going on vacation and Dad's
6:11
gonna drive and meet us there. And I was like, OK, cool.
6:15
And she and I was like, where we going?
6:16
She's like, we're going to London, England.
6:18
And I was like, how is he gonna drive there?
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Isn't there like an ocean? And she was like, don't worry
6:21
about it. Like, he's gonna, he'll get
6:23
there. And I was like, OK, so we get
6:25
there and we don't, we go to a hotel, we go to like an
6:28
apartment building. And I, I had been fortunate
6:31
enough to travel when I was a kid.
6:33
So I, I knew that it wasn't a hotel.
6:35
And that's when my, I was like, where's dad?
6:37
What's going on? And that's when my mom was like,
6:39
hey, so your dad and I aren't together anymore.
6:42
And we live here now. So it was like it for me, it was
6:49
traumatizing. Like I understand that there are
6:51
so many different forms of trauma.
6:53
And this is like a privileged form of trauma, but for me as a
6:58
six year old child who like literally was ripped, like in my
7:03
eyes, I was like ripped away from everything I knew my
7:05
friends, my family, my home, my city, like everything.
7:09
So that really caused like a lot of anxiety and fear.
7:15
And I blacked out that year that we lived there.
7:18
Like, I don't remember. I was put in therapy and I was
7:20
like, I have no idea what's going on.
7:23
And we eventually came back to Toronto.
7:26
Things were OK. But from then on, I was like
7:28
very high strung. Like my emotions were huge.
7:32
I couldn't leave my mom's side. I was like big like abandonment
7:36
stuff. And I had no idea what was going
7:38
on. And I was always just like, I
7:40
was just like, when's when's the rug gonna get pulled out from
7:42
under me? Like, I don't know what's
7:43
happening. And that's why I performed so
7:46
well because I saw like, OK, people will stick around.
7:49
People will like me. People will praise me if I do
7:51
XYZ. So that's what I did.
7:55
And then in high school when I was 14, I was just doing a lot.
7:58
I was like involved in like the leadership council and sports
8:02
and I was the grade 9 representative for the
8:04
elementary schools. Like I just, I've always been
8:09
kind of moved into those like more leadership, front of the
8:12
room type roles. But on the inside I'm like, Oh
8:15
my God, like so hard. And then I discovered drinking
8:20
at a party when I was 14, and I was dared to drink ten shots in
8:24
10 minutes. And that's when I did that.
8:28
And I was like, oh, let's go. Like, let's, this is amazing.
8:31
I blacked out. And it was exactly what I
8:33
wanted, which was like to not have to deal with all that stuff
8:38
and not have to be responsible and not have to have people want
8:42
something from me because I was just blackout drunk.
8:45
And I was like, unreliable when I was blackout drunk.
8:48
So that was like a nice feeling, yeah.
8:52
You could sort of kick the shoes off, right?
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And ask the. Phone and I don't have to
8:56
perform and but it's funny because at the same time you you
9:00
are getting the vanity metrics from it right where it's like
9:02
look how cool she is she can drink that much and.
9:06
Exactly. And people like really praised
9:08
me for it. And I was like, oh, OK, this is
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the type of praise I want. I don't want the type of praise
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where I have to work. Really hard.
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Or like, I don't want the type of praise where I have to.
9:16
Like, that's a good point. You know what I mean?
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Like it was just easy to get praise through drinking and
9:20
party. I never thought about it like
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that. Yeah, that's like how it worked
9:24
for me. Yeah.
9:25
And then things were fine. Like, fine.
9:27
Like every time I drank, there was always so much drama.
9:29
But it was on the weekends and I was still getting good grades.
9:33
I was still in sports, so everything was fine.
9:37
And my mom was like, you're fucked.
9:39
And I was like, back off, get away from me.
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Like I'm still doing all the things that you want.
9:44
So it eventually I think it was like grade 1112.
9:50
That's when I started to, like, move away from things because
9:54
drinking and partying, which is easier.
9:56
So I stopped competing at a high level of cross country.
9:59
I was on, like, EU of T varsity team.
10:01
I was on track to, like, run at the collegiate level, like all
10:04
that stuff. And partying was just, like, so
10:07
much easier. So I just chose that instead.
10:10
And then I went to school in Montreal again, drinking ages
10:15
18. So I was like, OK, here we go.
10:18
And then, yeah, it all kind of like snowballs from there.
10:24
What's the moment where you first thought that it was a
10:28
problem or you needed to to change something?
10:33
So it had been building for a while, but I think the moment
10:36
where I like subconsciously I was like, I'm probably an
10:39
alcoholic. But the IT was in my, the summer
10:42
of 2018 and I went to Oceaga, the music festival.
10:47
Yeah. And I blacked out for 24, no, 48
10:51
hours, blacked out for 48 hours. It was Friday.
10:55
And then that's the last thing I remember.
10:56
It was like Friday at 11 AM and then it, it all goes black and
11:01
then all of a sudden it's like night time and I'm like, oh,
11:04
what are we going to do tomorrow, guys?
11:05
And they were like, it's Sunday, like we're leaving and you've
11:09
been fucking terrible to deal with.
11:12
What? A bad hangover, do we?
11:15
Go to. Exactly.
11:16
So yeah. And then there was a couple.
11:18
There was a friend who I wasn't like, I was, she was a more of
11:21
an acquaintance, but she was like the only person that would
11:24
say it to me straight, like, this is not OK.
11:26
Like the like, what you're doing right now is absolutely not OK.
11:29
And like, you need to get help. And that's the first moment that
11:33
it like really sunk in. And then it took a few months
11:36
after that before I eventually went to treatment.
11:40
Everybody needs that person in their life.
11:42
That is such a like for me, it's my friend Tyler.
11:47
Just no bullshit. You're being a fucking idiot.
11:50
And like you hate to hear it in the moment and but it's it's I
11:53
will forever be grateful for that guy because you know he
11:57
would never take any of my bullshit.
11:58
And without that person in our lives, nothing changes.
12:02
Yeah, and this was like a shout out to Marissa.
12:05
She was like a my good friend's girlfriend now wife and like she
12:10
just was like, what the fuck is going on?
12:11
Like this is not you. And nobody else in my life was
12:14
able to do that just because we were all drinking the same way.
12:17
So yeah, sobriety has been incredible.
12:21
And then for me, because athletics was such a big part of
12:24
my childhood, marrying like fitness and sobriety has been
12:29
like massive in my recovery. Like it's changed so much for me
12:35
because you have AI. Like I remember this feeling,
12:39
right? Like the shoulders are up here
12:40
and I'm like, Oh my God, I have so much.
12:41
Like pent up energy? Yeah.
12:43
And but when you're a kid, when you're like a little kid on the
12:48
playground, yes, you can, like, let out that energy and not have
12:50
to worry about the performance. But when you layer in like
12:53
sports and athletics, like, it can be really intense and it can
12:56
be really toxic. Like your worth is so tied to
13:00
the result. Yeah, there's a lot of good
13:06
lessons to be learned. Sorry I like sink into this
13:08
couch. Sometimes this couch is very.
13:10
You're sitting normally on it. I don't know what's wrong with
13:11
me. I don't know.
13:12
I'm just I also weigh like 2 lbs.
13:16
What's that supposed to? Mean no dude, I'm kidding.
13:18
I don't fucking. Care.
13:20
My body just wanted to be right now.
13:21
I was like, Nah, no. No, you're fine.
13:22
I'm. Going to do this because I
13:23
forgot to do it but I have to do that we.
13:26
Have to clap. Yeah, because it syncs all the
13:28
things. I didn't do that right.
13:31
No. OK, good.
13:31
I'm a lot losing it. The the benzo took away my
13:35
memory quite a bit. I was going to ask you who you
13:38
saw at Oshega, but I guess you don't.
13:39
I do remember we saw Anderson pack.
13:42
I remember that. That's all I remember.
13:46
I went to Oshega in 2017 in sobriety with people that I was
13:51
in recovery with. Yeah.
13:53
And have you ever been on a vacation with people in
13:55
recovery? You know.
13:57
I've only been on vacation where I'm the only one.
13:59
It's so exhausting. Is it?
14:00
Well, you know how like, opinionated and like picky we
14:03
can be, right? Addicts are.
14:05
We're really tough to deal with. Oh, yeah.
14:06
We have a lot of, there's a lot going on in here that there is.
14:10
We can't use substances to fit. No.
14:12
And it's like they're we're like a little high maintenance.
14:15
Yeah, yeah. So it's like when you travel.
14:17
I've been on a few now with recovery people and it's very
14:22
like you really have to be go with the flow.
14:24
Like otherwise nothing because there's going to be the alpha
14:27
guy or girl that's like we're doing this and then we're doing
14:29
that. We're planning and then I think
14:31
that I, when I go on vacation, I'm like, Oh, I'm, I'm so go
14:33
with the flow. Like I've been practicing, you
14:36
know, the principles and all my affairs and I don't have
14:38
whatever. And then I get there and I'm
14:40
like, I'm like, what's the plan? Where are we going?
14:42
And. It's.
14:43
Crazy how all that stuff just like comes up.
14:45
Oh God. I do want to talk about fitness.
14:49
I'm happy you brought it up because I, yeah, since I've,
14:51
I've known you, you definitely. I, I, I don't think you jumped
14:55
into it right away when you got sober.
14:56
Yeah. Because I remember seeing a
14:57
shift from you posting about it and going to the gym and joining
15:03
the, the company that you're at now.
15:06
Yeah, 'cause you were at, you were at, I remember you were in
15:09
the retail sector. Before right?
15:12
So how did you make the change? So I was at Lululemon and I got
15:17
that job when I was like 6 or seven months sober.
15:21
And I we get when you're in a Lululemon employee, part of your
15:27
benefits or perks is like you get a credit card with like a
15:30
certain amount of money to do group fitness.
15:33
Yeah. No.
15:35
Way yeah. So when I was a part time
15:36
employee at the time, so I got 150 bucks a month, it was called
15:39
Sweaty pursuits. I don't know if they still have
15:41
it, but 150 bucks a month to use at group fitness and every store
15:47
has ambassadors. So people who own businesses or
15:51
who are representations of Lululemon's values in the
15:54
community. And that's How I Met the owners
15:56
of F45 Young and AG, Chris and Lena.
15:59
Hi guys and they that's when I start.
16:05
I was like okay, because I was doing yoga and it just wasn't
16:07
feeling like enough like I was moving and that was great.
16:10
I was starting to feel safe in my body huge.
16:12
Like first year of sobriety was like, okay, let me just not be a
16:16
crazy person 24/7. And then starting like to go
16:20
into that second year when I was like, OK, I still have all this
16:23
pent up rage. Like then the rage starts to
16:26
come out and I had a lot of it. So I was like, OK, why don't I
16:30
try F45? And it fucking changed so much
16:34
for me because I it was a controlled environment where I
16:38
could let out some of that aggression.
16:40
But in like a very structured way is 45 minutes.
16:45
So I couldn't really make an excuse.
16:47
I was like, OK, a meeting's an hour.
16:49
What's 45 minutes, right? Like I can layer this into my
16:52
day. Holy shit.
16:55
The the post workout clarity that comes where the voices just
16:59
stop where you're not like when you're done a hard workout and
17:04
there's just silence. That's like my medicine, right?
17:08
Like it made me. I was like, Oh my God, I didn't
17:10
know. I could feel this way.
17:13
I didn't know. So I started, I was doing it
17:15
once a week and then I started doing it twice a week and then I
17:17
started doing it three and four times a week.
17:20
And it wasn't, it didn't become obsessive, which was really
17:24
cool. It was like the first time in my
17:25
life where I wasn't like I was enjoying something, but I wasn't
17:28
obsessing over it. I was just learning.
17:32
And I was meeting cool people who weren't fucking drunk all
17:34
the time. And I was meeting people who
17:37
weren't in recovery but had the same values that I did now,
17:40
which is massive. I think it's really important to
17:42
hang out with people that aren't.
17:43
I I just want to quickly interject there.
17:45
I think it's it's as simple as hanging out with people that are
17:48
working on themselves in some capacity.
17:50
Exactly. Love it.
17:51
Yeah. And it was like it.
17:52
It was really, it inspired me so much that I ended up quitting my
17:56
job at Lululemon and Chris and Lena really inspired me so much
18:00
like the community they created there is amazing.
18:02
It's like the fitness industry can be very toxic as well.
18:06
So that's something I've been discovering is like there's.
18:09
A stigma, too, about. Holy shit.
18:10
And there's places where it's, it's less about actually getting
18:14
better and more about looking better and like being seen and
18:18
like getting in the getting the Instagram shot and like getting
18:22
the perfect video. And I've totally fallen victim
18:24
to that because how could you not?
18:26
And what Chris and Lena created there was like, there is we're
18:30
not, we're not fucking doing that.
18:32
We're we're here. There's no mirrors in F45.
18:35
Like, we're here to work hard, have a good time, and like, be
18:41
good to people, you know? Yeah, And I mean, all the posts
18:44
I've ever seen from you and in that area is like, you just
18:47
working hard, right? Yeah.
18:48
And I'll be honest, like, it it it is motivating to just, like,
18:51
watch someone do hard shit when I'm sitting on the couch.
18:54
And I've actually been struggling with this lately.
18:56
Is, is getting into the gym, Right.
18:58
Yeah, I do want to touch, too. I love what you said about
19:02
obsessive being obsessive because I, I think you know
19:05
this, but I went through my relapse was, was because of it
19:08
started with steroids. It wasn't because of steroids.
19:11
Very vanity facing. I, I had this hole inside of me
19:15
and at the end of the day, that's what it is, right?
19:16
It's like I'm missing a part of there's something in here that
19:20
I, I don't feel seen. Body dysmorphia, whatever you
19:22
want to call it, I can fix that. And steroids are a huge, another
19:26
huge part Ozempic as well. I, I dabbled into that too.
19:30
The more I've been talking about this too, by the way, the more
19:32
I'm finding a lot of people are struggling with with this
19:34
Ozempic thing and. Steroids is crazy.
19:37
Like, so I basically what happened is I, I realized I
19:41
wanted to help people in a more constructive and meaningful way.
19:44
So I moved into being a personal trainer and I had no 'cause like
19:50
thankfully I didn't struggle with an eating disorder, but so
19:54
many people do. And what happens is people be
19:58
everybody's obsessive. Everybody is obsessive looking
20:02
like the culture that we're in. And humans, like
20:06
anthropologically, humans were not designed to view themselves
20:10
all the time. Like if you think about it.
20:13
There were no mirrors back like way back in the day, like you
20:16
would maybe view yourself in a reflection in the river, like,
20:20
and now we've engineered this experience in existence where we
20:24
are constantly viewing ourselves and it fucks with our head.
20:27
So people are obsessed with how they look and how they feel.
20:32
And I'm not one to and it's, it's crazy.
20:35
It blew my mind. And at one point I was like, Oh
20:36
my God, I don't have the tools to help people because I don't
20:42
struggle with XYZ. But I, I do have the tools to
20:45
help people because I know what it's like to not be able to look
20:48
at in the mirror. And I know what it's like to
20:51
shift perspective to like, OK, what can I do today?
20:54
Or what can I do for the next 45 minutes, right.
20:58
And people really struggle with food crazy.
21:03
And I, yeah. And it's really sad because I
21:07
think sugar is like the, it's like alcohol and sugar.
21:11
It's like those things are massive.
21:14
And I think also statistically in recovery, at least for
21:19
females and eating disorder is the next thing that someone will
21:24
pick up because you're basically what happened, You've mentioned
21:29
it as well is like there's a hole, there's a gaping hole
21:31
where my addiction filled. And if I take the addiction out
21:35
of it, but I'm not filling it with the things that's actually
21:38
going to make me feel whole and happy and whatever, then
21:42
something else is going to slip in if I'm not careful.
21:45
Shopping. Gambling.
21:46
And people say, oh, this is a good thing, Exercise is a good
21:50
thing. It's healthy, it's good for me.
21:52
It's like, Oh my God, you do not need to.
21:54
You do not need to work out three hours a day.
21:56
You do not need to be here. You don't need to cut like you
22:00
can do so much for your body and really enjoy what you're doing.
22:04
And I find it's hard to explain this to people.
22:08
I'm not knocking wanting to have a goal that is based on vanity
22:12
and aesthetic. If that is what you believe is
22:15
truly going to make you happy, then go for it.
22:19
But it's learning the difference between what an extrinsic value
22:21
is and what an intrinsic value is.
22:23
And this is what I try to share through my story and when I talk
22:26
to people and work with people, one-on-one is like, where is
22:29
that goal coming from? Is it coming from your parents
22:34
telling you you needed to be that way?
22:36
Is it coming from something you picked up, you know, in a group
22:39
of your, of your boys? Like is it where is it coming
22:42
from? Or is it really coming from a
22:44
deep place within you? And when a goal comes from that
22:49
place, it's way more fulfilling because if you're going for
22:53
goals that are out here, it's never going to be enough ever.
22:56
And it doesn't matter if you get the big butt or if you get the
22:59
ABS or if you put on the weight or, or lose the weight.
23:03
Like if you're not doing it for something in here, and you're
23:06
doing it because something out here is telling you too, then
23:10
it's not gonna stick. One of my favorite quotes is I
23:13
heard this on a podcast is, you know, this girl said no one's
23:15
gonna be at your funeral talking about what a nice set of, you
23:20
know, breasts you had or how nice your ass was.
23:25
Exactly that. Just like I heard it one day and
23:27
it just hit me. I was like, man, like, yeah,
23:28
it's. It's so true.
23:30
The most impactful thing anyone's ever done for me in the
23:34
gym is not like, teach me how to do a squat or help me to bench
23:39
press a certain amount of weight.
23:40
It's like when they pop, when my coach pauses and, and gives me a
23:43
different perspective on something, right?
23:46
That's where it comes in. And I, my theory is like
23:50
anxiety, every emotion is just energy and it has to move
23:54
through my body. And so many of us just sit there
23:58
and we're. Yeah.
24:00
Yeah, I mean, I, I'm guilty of it too.
24:02
It's oh, me too. I I went to the gym today
24:05
actually. And not because I was seeing
24:07
you, that was a part of me was like, did I just come here
24:11
because I wanted to tell everyone that I actually.
24:13
Went to the gym today, Oh my God.
24:15
And it's like, no, it's I, I went to the gym.
24:18
And to your point, I felt it's been a while that I've.
24:22
It's not, it hasn't been a while since I've been to the gym, but
24:25
it's been a while since I noticed the feeling of pushing
24:28
hard weight. Yeah.
24:30
Silence. Yeah.
24:31
And like dopamine too, right. Silence.
24:33
And like, music's on for me at least.
24:35
And it's just like, huh. Yeah.
24:37
You know that space of what was I worried about it?
24:40
Yeah, that clarity where you're like, oh, it's not that.
24:43
It's not so bad. Clarity.
24:44
Yeah, and it's like finding balance, like, so for me, I do,
24:47
I do strength training three times a week.
24:51
I'll do one, maybe two runs a week.
24:53
And then the rest of the time I'm doing yin yoga.
24:56
Like that's, that's what my training looks like.
24:59
And it's because if I I've gone one way where I'm like, Oh my
25:01
God, I started doing high rocks. Oh no.
25:03
Everybody OK, everybody's fucking obsessed with high
25:07
rocks. And I was totally, I was like,
25:09
yay, it's here. Look at my, look at my and I can
25:12
still be that way. But like first of all, high
25:14
rocks, when you actually do it and you go to that event and
25:18
you're there, it's super. Cool.
25:19
I'm sure it is. Yeah, it's super cool.
25:21
I just knock it because it comes with all the other.
25:23
It's a trend and it comes with all the other stuff and, and
25:25
there's some icky, there's some ickiness there like there is
25:28
with every single trend. And however what it so when I
25:32
started training for it, I was training way too much.
25:36
I fucked up my hormones, I fucked up my sleep.
25:38
I wasn't eating enough to keep up with the training.
25:41
I was running. I went from zero to 100 because
25:43
I thought I was going to be able to run at the level that I was
25:46
when I was like younger. And that's just like not true.
25:49
So I really like I hurt my knees like and I had to, I've been
25:52
slowly working my way out of that.
25:54
And so now I'm doing like just balance training so that when I
25:58
do a higher ox, AI don't feel like shit when I get there and
26:03
BI can actually like me and my partner because you can do
26:06
double S where everybody does the running, but you split the
26:09
stations. We missed the podium by 30
26:12
seconds. And that was not my goal.
26:14
My goal was just to like, go do it and like not cry 'cause I
26:18
cried when I did high rocks the first just.
26:20
'Cause it was hard. Or 'cause it was hard and I
26:22
heard all the demons started to come back, like all of that
26:25
stuff. So that's another reason why I
26:27
like high rocks because it allows me to compete as an like
26:31
athlete. Like back in that mindset, but
26:34
sober. And I can do it.
26:36
I can like, make, it's really making amends to myself to like
26:39
my teenage self. Proving yourself wrong like
26:42
doing. Hard shit.
26:43
It's my favorite, yeah. What's the other one?
26:44
I used to love running and listening to David Goggins
26:47
because it was pushing through perceived limitations, right?
26:51
Like I didn't know I could run a marathon.
26:53
I just ran. I've done 3 now I can't run 5K
26:57
without like crying to your point but it's like anything,
27:00
it's just consistent. My cousin who's a doctor
27:01
actually told me that there's like a real scientific reason as
27:04
to why you cry after you do like endurance sports like that.
27:08
So I was like, OK, that makes me feel better.
27:11
But but there's actually like science behind it because you're
27:14
pushing yourself to this point. You're not stopping.
27:17
And then all of a sudden you get the crash, the adrenal for crash
27:20
and the dopamine crash. So your body responds by crying.
27:25
Yeah, I mean, I, I, I agree. I think I agree.
27:28
I agree with science. Yeah.
27:30
I I can relate because it's, I mean, crying is emotion that
27:36
needs to come out in some capacity, right?
27:37
I love crying. I don't do it enough.
27:39
I haven't. I have.
27:40
I cried a little bit, but I used to like when I first got sober,
27:43
it was like cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.
27:44
And then the dams were just like dry and then it came back again.
27:48
But fitness really allowed me to kind of channel that like
27:56
chaotic emotional energy. And like, then I, you know, the
28:00
pendulum swung where I was doing it too much.
28:02
I was being obsessive about it. After I did that first initial
28:06
stint of F45I became a trainer. And then I was like, oh, I have
28:09
to do what everyone else is doing, which is like showcase
28:12
myself on Instagram. And like, I've actually pulled
28:15
back a little bit because I'm navigating like how to express
28:19
this and like attract people that are looking to genuinely
28:25
feel better and like change their perspective about
28:29
themselves and like what's possible for them through
28:32
movement. And whether that's like, you
28:35
know, strength training, which I'm certified in, whether it's
28:38
like, you know, conditioning, which I'm certified in, whether
28:40
it's like yoga, like all of that goes together.
28:45
And I think fitness and movement just kind of like seals it all
28:48
up because it allows you to let it go, right?
28:50
That that like that moment of like, oh, fuck, what was I
28:54
worried about? Yeah.
28:56
And I, I think for me, when you talk about obsessive like that,
29:00
just that word just hits me so hard because I've been there so
29:03
many times in recovery in addiction as well with obviously
29:08
with drugs and alcohol. But it's just different.
29:10
The justification that you're doing it for the right reason is
29:14
so deep. It runs so deep.
29:16
And yeah, you'll drive yourself into the ground or into steroids
29:19
like me. And I think where I missed the
29:22
mark was when I got into the steroids.
29:24
I kept keeping it a secret, I think.
29:26
So when did that happen? That was at the eight-year mark,
29:31
right around the eight-year mark.
29:32
And that's where it was. I'm not saying that everyone
29:35
that does steroids today is gonna relapse if you're in
29:38
recovery because I, I actually found, this is how good of a
29:41
resourceful addict I am. I found a, a community of people
29:45
that were sober and doing steroids and I, that was my
29:48
justification, right? And when I say community, it was
29:51
like 4 or five people. It was all of you guys being
29:53
like, we're fine. And this guy had a podcast and
29:56
he was sober for 10 years. And so but I started like
29:59
looking for what is it called. Justification.
30:04
Yeah, but like when you do research that's just recent, no,
30:10
something bias. It's a bias that you have.
30:11
And I can't think of the word right now, but oh.
30:13
My God, no, I know what you're talking about.
30:14
So. It's going to come to me, but
30:16
it's it's when you're specifically looking for things
30:19
that are going to support your claim, right?
30:20
And that's what I was doing. I was specifically looking for
30:23
things that were supporting my way and not the the alternative,
30:26
not the the the other thing. So one more point before I
30:31
finish my thought here. The difference for me with
30:35
obsessive going to fitness gym, whatever your thing is, is my
30:41
relationship with it. And what that looks like is
30:44
there was a point in my sobriety where if I didn't go to the gym
30:46
six days a week, I was a piece of shit.
30:50
That's where I was really got caught up.
30:52
And so today when I miss the gym, I'm like, try again
30:56
tomorrow, right? Like try honestly, I'm my goal
30:58
right now is 3 * a week. I've been going once a week and
31:01
I realize I've also been going for a walk every day, right?
31:04
But I forget about that. But I, I do.
31:06
There is a big difference between walking and moving your
31:09
body and running and like strength.
31:11
And like actually getting your heart rate up a little bit so
31:15
that you're like perspiring and like actually like detoxing a
31:18
little bit and like pumping the blood through your system.
31:22
And I think there, there's also this other side where I, OK,
31:27
people are going to sew, come for me and whatever, it's fine.
31:30
But like all these people who are like Pilates, Pilates,
31:33
Pilates, Pilates and like Pilates is fantastic.
31:36
It's great, but it's not going to build muscle and it's not
31:41
going to elevate your heart rate to that state.
31:43
It's not that burning like that's it's just not going to do
31:47
that. So and I think some people are
31:48
like, oh, I'm going to do Pilates instead.
31:50
I'm like, OK, do you want to do that?
31:52
Because it's not easier, but like because you're not
31:54
challenging yourself in that way where you're like really pumping
31:58
the blood through your body, like, and for me, it's also this
32:02
balance of, OK, I'll try again tomorrow.
32:06
Or am I just giving like am I giving myself a pass?
32:11
Right? It's this sweet spot of like
32:13
really getting like listening to myself and being like, am I
32:18
letting myself get away with it or do I actually need to rest
32:23
right now? And that's just listening to
32:25
your body being aware, right? Meditation.
32:26
But it's all and it can, but that's where the mind kind of
32:29
comes in, right? Because there's sometimes where
32:31
even me, I'm like, I'm not going to do it today.
32:33
I'm just tired. I taught four classes today.
32:36
I don't want to, I don't want to work out.
32:37
But really like what I need is to move for me, right?
32:42
I need to. I've helped other people move
32:43
all day. What is it?
32:45
What is it for me? And I think so many people are
32:48
in this space. And you know, Pilates is great.
32:50
I'm not saying you can't get a good workout with Pilates.
32:52
I don't want the girls to. I don't want the girls to come.
32:54
They're coming after you. But there's a, there's a
32:57
difference. And yeah, you have to, you have
33:01
to be aware of like where am I giving myself a pass?
33:06
I find it really interesting too, the difference between
33:09
strength training, the way I do it, I have a good life by myself
33:13
and being a part of a community and strength training.
33:15
I was listening to a podcast the other day that talked about the
33:18
rise in single men, right? Like there's a huge problem.
33:22
There's a lot of single men playing video games, gym Bros,
33:25
whatever. The, the some of them are both
33:27
right. There's a direct correlation
33:29
between guys that want to get jacked and guys that aren't
33:34
finding partners in their life. There's like a very big
33:38
contingency of, of men that are spending a lot of time focusing
33:42
on themselves, right? And all the stuff that comes
33:45
with it, the, the eating the protein, the, you know, the, the
33:48
gym bro, right? I was that guy for a long time.
33:49
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.
33:51
But yeah, it's like just finding the balance, like you said.
33:54
So what does the community do for you?
33:57
And have you ever, have you ever done those solo workout things?
34:01
Like so I do solo workouts a lot because it's it's just how I
34:06
because I teach so many classes. Now you're in the community all
34:09
day. Yeah, and like, that's kind of
34:11
like my way to, you know, recharge.
34:13
But I, but what the classes do for me is very similar to other
34:17
recovery spaces where it's like I'm not alone doing this and I'm
34:22
struggling. Like you see people struggle,
34:25
but you also see people who don't give up and you you're
34:27
working out beside someone the whole time and you and they're
34:30
like, OK, this fucking sucks. Or like we got this.
34:33
Like it. It's that connection through
34:36
like suffering, like, but it's a suffering that you choose.
34:40
And what it gave me was like a sense of identity and like the
34:44
little bit of you're no longer aloneness and like being able to
34:47
laugh through a workout and being able to just like not take
34:51
myself so fucking seriously when I was working out.
34:54
Because I think sometimes when I'm alone and especially it's if
34:57
I'm filming myself, it's like, oh, my form has to be perfect
34:59
and I have to do this and I have to do that.
35:01
But like where I work out like there's no mirrors, There's no
35:03
mirrors and the lights are on so you can see people's eyes and
35:07
you can see people's faces and you can see the person beside
35:11
you and you can genuinely talk to them.
35:14
And it gives me, it gave me this sense of like, holy shit.
35:19
Like there are other people who want to get better.
35:23
And this doesn't have to be so serious.
35:28
Like I think people just take it to a whole nother level where
35:31
it's like, I need to optimize, I need to optimize and it's like
35:35
shut up. Like you don't need to optimize
35:37
like. This gym bro like hustle
35:39
culture. Right.
35:40
Yeah. And I think, and I'll paired
35:42
with that too, is a lot of people don't know how to
35:44
connect. They don't know how to talk.
35:46
And when you're in a workout class, the wall, there's another
35:50
layer that's like not there because people are not done up.
35:53
You're in your gym clothes. Like, yeah, some people can
35:55
dress up for the gym, but for the most part people are like,
35:58
I'm just here to work out. People aren't wearing makeup.
36:01
People aren't like filming themselves.
36:04
There's no mirrors. Like it's a very unique
36:07
community where that vanity is, is a little bit not there.
36:12
It's still there, but not as much.
36:15
And if it, I find a lot of people who my favorite thing is
36:17
people who come in and they're so nervous and you can like
36:21
smell it off of them, how nervous they are.
36:23
And the only reason why I can smell it is because that's how I
36:26
was. So when I see those people, I'm
36:28
like, OK, I'm coming for you and making them feel capable and
36:33
comfortable. And, and seeing that there's
36:35
people who are, you know, 60 years old and retired.
36:38
And then there's people that are like 20, there's people that are
36:41
30. Like everybody's doing the same
36:43
shit, showing them that they can do it like they actually can.
36:48
And I'm like, hey, see, not so bad.
36:50
And they, they start coming for like a month and then they just
36:53
walk in and there's like a smile on their face and they know
36:56
where they're going. And it's like the transformation
36:58
and being able to witness that is what the community did for me
37:01
even before I was a coach. Like I remember I you, you go to
37:05
the same class times and you meet people and you start to
37:08
build these relationships and you learn a little bit about
37:11
them. And all of a sudden you see them
37:13
lift like 10 lbs heavier than they did the previous week in
37:16
your life. Like Oh my God, that's so cool.
37:18
Is that the same person? Yeah, you're like, this is like
37:21
what? And you get to see these people
37:23
improve, right. And then there's people at the
37:25
gym who, you know, one couple, they got married meeting at the
37:29
gym and like, and another girl that I was working out with
37:33
since day one, she's like having a baby.
37:36
Like that's so cool. I get to you get to witness
37:39
people throughout your life and or like throughout their lives
37:43
and as you're doing it alongside them and it, it just really, I
37:47
get like goosebumps talking about it because it just, it
37:51
brought so much color to my existence where yes, like being
37:56
sober and hanging out with sober people is incredible, but like
37:59
hanging out with people who with the world is like really cool
38:03
too. Yeah.
38:04
I mean, this sense of community, like at a time when I was just
38:07
talking about it in the last podcast, living in downtown
38:09
Toronto can be the loneliest place in the world, right?
38:12
Yeah. Even for someone like me that is
38:14
very extroverted, I like to think that I can talk to
38:16
anybody. I don't want to leave my house
38:18
someday. It's like a whole thing, right?
38:20
And so to be forces onward, to be accountable to a community of
38:24
people, we were like, they're gonna, I gotta go because, you
38:28
know, everyone else is going. It's like so and so is there.
38:30
I also like I'm paying for this membership like it's not cheap,
38:33
which which really sucks. Like, it's not, I don't wanna
38:37
say it sucks, but it's not cheap.
38:38
It's an investment in yourself. And I got to see people who
38:41
were, like, investing in themselves and being like, wow,
38:44
like they're not spending their money on, like, booze and yeah.
38:48
Yeah, and others, that's a good point too.
38:50
How much money was your addiction costing you?
38:51
And I'm not talking about the bars or I'm talking about the
38:54
the crashed cars and the lawyer fees and well.
38:57
How much was like eating out costing you?
38:59
How much? Is Uber Eats every night?
39:01
Yeah, I haven't. I haven't had Uber Eats in a
39:03
long time. I just realized that when I was
39:04
in my relapse I was like every night, like work.
39:06
And it's like easily, you're like, Oh my God, $700.00 where
39:09
did that go? Right?
39:10
Like, or even more than that when I was drinking and using
39:13
right. So it was, it was so cool the
39:16
community. And then, you know, we'll have
39:18
events where, you know, we, we do donation based classes.
39:22
And so you're, you're working out for a cause.
39:25
So there's that layer of it as well.
39:27
And just so fucking sick and like what a breath of fresh air
39:31
to be around a group of people that doesn't really care about
39:35
what you look like or what like you do outside of it.
39:40
They just care that you're showing up every.
39:43
Week and yeah it's your point. I think the biggest fear for
39:46
anyone walking into any I mean at least for me into any new
39:49
situation is like am I gonna be judged for what I'm doing?
39:52
Like, are there gonna be a line of people like Holland and the,
39:56
you know, the other personal trainer is watching me?
39:58
Like, look at this fucking moron trying to lift this weight.
40:00
Like, that's not how you do it, right?
40:02
And you come in, and then you realize you walk up to and
40:05
recovery's a lot like that too, right?
40:07
And that's recovery taught me how to do that, how to walk up
40:09
to someone and be like, hey, what's up?
40:11
Are you new here? Yeah.
40:12
Yeah, I wouldn't. Well, I know when they're new
40:14
here, but. We all know.
40:17
I'm like, I'm new here. It's a new.
40:19
It's a. Loaded car.
40:21
Sometimes people think I'm a lot like people because I'm like,
40:23
hey, how's it going? And they're like, and I remember
40:26
being like in early surprise. I was going to say they they
40:28
didn't meet you early on. You met.
40:30
Me early on where I was like, yeah, I was not down.
40:34
And now I'm like, what's up? And they're like, are you always
40:36
this happy? And a part of me is like, you
40:39
didn't see me when I wanted to. I'm alive myself.
40:43
Like you. You didn't know that part of me.
40:45
So like, yeah, I'm happy to be here.
40:47
Like I'm really fucking. Stoked shit that I've been
40:49
through every day is a gift, right?
40:51
Yeah, I always say that we should all be dead, a lot of us.
40:54
Statistically and like, statistically, I should be dead
40:59
as a woman doing the type of stuff that I was doing.
41:02
I tried to buy drugs in Cambodia.
41:06
I don't need to do Look at me. Yeah.
41:08
Like, shouldn't be here. Yeah.
41:10
Like, that is not a place you want to end up in prison, right?
41:12
No, I would be. I would be dead.
41:15
Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of scenarios.
41:17
I can look back and think. I remember I was in one of my
41:19
one of my 3 rehabs that I've been to.
41:21
The one of the counsellors was like, life's not fair.
41:25
Like someone was complaining about something.
41:27
Life's not fair. Really.
41:28
If life was fair, we would all be dead or in jail.
41:31
And I that I was just like, Yep, yeah, I'm happy to be here.
41:34
Yeah. I'm I'm actually thrilled.
41:37
This is great, but it's true like sometimes and and that goes
41:41
back to the the whole gratitude thing.
41:44
I want to ask you, what's something that is what's your
41:48
biggest challenge today? I only want to talk about good
41:57
things. Well, I like this stuff going
41:59
on. I think for me it's, it's I
42:09
struggle with like workaholism. So I throw myself into my job
42:17
and I can forget about the other pieces of life.
42:21
And that is what I've, I've realized like now that a lot of
42:25
layers have been peeled away, like the self hatred, the
42:29
abandonment, the, the exercise, like all that.
42:33
What's, what's like, part of my root stuff is like workaholism.
42:37
And I just like, someone once called me a workhorse and I just
42:41
like fucking work. Like that's just how I was
42:45
raised. So I'm, I've experienced a
42:49
little bit of burnout, not a little bit, a lot of burnout.
42:52
And I moved away from like my recovery tools because of it.
42:57
And I was like emotionally unwell.
43:01
But on the outside I was performing.
43:03
I was posting all that stuff on Instagram like, it's fine.
43:06
And it's it. That's when I was like, oh fuck,
43:09
I'm, I'm not doing so OK. So I had to take a bit of a step
43:13
back and reassess where my priorities were.
43:18
And I'm like, I'm coming out of it.
43:20
But I struggle with workaholism a lot.
43:24
Yeah. And I, I think workaholism is
43:26
one way to say it. Another way I'm thinking of when
43:28
you're talking about that is like this sort of we can have.
43:32
For me, it's like we have these two states of being.
43:34
It's like being mode and doing. Mode, yes.
43:39
I need to all I can fall into this.
43:41
I got to be doing something all the time because I don't want to
43:44
deal with what's going on in here or whatever.
43:46
It's my coping mechanism. Yeah.
43:48
Doing, doing, doing, doing. Have you heard of like the quote
43:50
that we're human beings, not human doings like?
43:54
Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, but no, it's, it's so
43:57
true. I mean, like, when was the last
43:59
time it's so easy to get distracted, like to distract
44:03
yourself today there's a computer there, there's a phone
44:06
there, and there's, you know what I mean?
44:08
And it's like, when was the last time I actually meditated and
44:10
sat with myself? Exactly.
44:12
And so I've been going back into those like daily practices of
44:15
like, I have AI like sit in the morning and I do a couple
44:18
readings and I like drink my coffee and then I do like step
44:20
123. And then I I do at the end of
44:24
the night, I do a little bit of yen yoga.
44:26
I put some tarot cards and like, journal.
44:28
So interesting. Yeah, I would love to be able
44:33
to, you know, like have a life in a a way that generates
44:38
abundance where I'm not in workaholism.
44:41
So that's kind of what my work is right now.
44:43
It's like, how do I do meaningful work that is helping
44:48
people but also keeping the lights on?
44:53
Yeah, yeah, I am one of, you know, I hate when people say,
44:57
you know, if you're doing what you love and you're calling the
44:59
money will come. It's like, well, where the fuck?
45:00
I'm like. Where's the money?
45:01
Let me go. I'm pretty sure this is the
45:05
right calling I'm. Pretty sure inflation was not
45:09
accounted for. In the.
45:10
Yeah, exactly. Like Jesus, how much is a
45:13
fucking avocado like. It's so true.
45:18
But yeah, like it, it, it's like one of those things, right?
45:22
It's for me, it's attachment to outcomes.
45:26
Things aren't going the way I thought they would.
45:28
This podcast is a perfect example.
45:30
I woke up this morning and I was like, this is becoming more work
45:33
than it used to be. Yeah, and you're like, why?
45:35
And and it's nothing's changed. If anything I've gotten better.
45:38
I set this up in 5 minutes. Fantastic.
45:40
I'm way better at it. But it feels it.
45:42
Feels like more work because I thought I'd be getting certain
45:47
things by now. And I don't mean like money or
45:50
just even just like the audience numbers.
45:53
And yeah. Sponsorship, like yeah, it is
45:56
money. It is a lot.
45:57
Of it is money too. So, you know, I take that back.
45:59
One of the things I do struggle with today is work, holism and
46:01
money. Those are my like, those are my
46:03
2. So yeah.
46:05
And they kind of go hand in hand, yeah.
46:08
So would it be a shopping a thing or is it more just not
46:14
budgeting? It's under earning, yeah.
46:17
And then so you're OK on the the spend?
46:20
Yeah, for a long time I had the shot I was using instead of the
46:23
workaholism, I was using the Amazonism, right?
46:25
Yeah, I always said this is like Amazon guy.
46:29
The Amazon guy replaced my drug dealer.
46:32
Fuck the Amazon. Fuck you, Jeff.
46:33
Yeah. I, I, I've actually gotten a
46:35
handle on that, but that's good. Again, it's recovery is honestly
46:40
six garbage cans, 5 lids, yeah. Yeah, playing whack a mole.
46:44
Always whack A mole. There's always something that's
46:46
going to come up and I just need to be reminded to that.
46:49
It's like this thing that's coming up now is is so much
46:51
better than that thing. Drugs and alcohol or whatever.
46:54
Yes. And it's meant to be coming up
46:56
like it's not happening for you. It's happening to you.
46:59
Sorry, it's not happening to you.
47:00
It's happening for. You, yeah.
47:03
I was like, fuck, but yeah, it's that one is huge.
47:07
And I think another thing that fitness and sobriety have taught
47:11
me is that, like, I'm not a victim.
47:13
You're a survivor. I'm a survivor, but I also have
47:16
choice. I have choice.
47:19
And like, yes, shitty things happen to me and shitty things
47:22
continue to happen, but I'm not a fucking victim.
47:26
Yeah, and I don't need to sit. And yeah, there's a big
47:28
difference between sitting in your shit and sitting with.
47:32
Yes, with your shit. Oh my God, yeah.
47:34
This is happening right now, but I trust you, you know, I'm
47:37
looking up at this guy. Yeah, I, I trust the process.
47:41
And yeah, when you're in it though, it's like, yeah,
47:42
sometimes the the money thing is interesting to me because I left
47:46
a very high paying job to go into an industry that is that's
47:49
like no potential for high paying.
47:51
Unless you're like get a bajillion degrees.
47:53
There's like a whole, yeah, it's a lot.
47:55
And so that's been on. I struggle with that too where
47:59
it's like what did I make the right choice?
48:00
Yeah. And at the end of the day, at
48:02
the end of the day, yes, I did make the right choice.
48:05
And I have to, I have to trust the process because I'm in the
48:09
process of learning how to be authentic on camera and like
48:17
having that be able to build and attract clients that want to
48:22
work with me. Yeah, unfortunately or
48:24
fortunately, it's part of the thing now, right?
48:26
Instagram is the new TV's ads on TV, right?
48:31
And you can either be the old man staring at the cloud or you
48:35
can kind of join it and. How do you do that?
48:37
You're doing pretty well. Thank you.
48:39
Yeah, how do I do film it? Like how do you just be
48:41
authentic like? Yeah, repetition.
48:44
Yeah, there's a there's a cringe thing that happens at the
48:48
beginning with it. We will talk offline about it
48:55
because it's boring. But there's a social media,
48:58
there's a, there's a formula to it that I'm learning more and
49:03
more about everyday and it's really stupid and really
49:06
annoying. But it's, it all comes back to
49:07
human psychology. And essentially you're fighting
49:10
for people's attention span, right?
49:12
Yeah, Your content could be the best content in the world, but
49:15
if you don't get people in the first little bit, no one's gonna
49:18
fucking know you exist, right? I follow.
49:20
I can't tell you how many people I follow where I I'll watch the
49:23
video. And I'm like this.
49:24
I literally learned nothing from this.
49:26
I wasn't entertaining. I don't.
49:28
And it has millions of views or thousands of views.
49:30
And it's not about this somebody.
49:32
It's I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet.
49:35
That's OK. Sorry.
49:36
We went. We went, yeah, we're on a
49:37
tangent. Yeah, we're on a tangent.
49:38
Now this is, it's a big part of my life too, because I there's a
49:42
whole vanity section to that that's very dangerous for mental
49:47
health. Yeah, right.
49:48
For sure. I just saw this thing the other
49:49
day that they're talking about releasing on Instagram
49:52
comparison metrics so you can compare yourself with other
49:55
creators. I'm like please.
49:56
No, yeah, don't. And everyone was commenting on
49:58
it. They're like, no, no, I don't
49:59
need this. No, we don't.
50:00
Mental health, this world. Yeah, Yeah, we don't need.
50:02
No thank you. I.
50:03
Don't need to compare myself to people.
50:04
The comparison is the thief of joy.
50:06
And it, but it's also I think we've gotten away from like
50:09
what? Like what is meaningful?
50:11
Why, why am I saying this? Like what are my thoughts like?
50:15
Your perspective. Yeah, yeah.
50:17
When I go on social media, if I'm listening to it's when I'm
50:20
looking for entertainment, sometimes I'm also looking for
50:22
relatability and then perspective.
50:24
Yeah, well, I didn't didn't think of it and.
50:26
Then I'm looking for recipes and then I make my boyfriend make.
50:29
Them education. There you go.
50:30
You send them to them. Yeah.
50:31
Education. I forgot that one.
50:33
You're right. Education, entertainment, or
50:35
perspective. Yeah, that's it.
50:36
And yeah, it's like, anyways, it's a, it's a whole thing.
50:40
But I, I'm working on on that too because I mean, at the end
50:47
of the day, and I the worst is when you know it too, you get
50:51
100,000 followers. Let's say you know, and I know
50:55
nothing is going to change, right?
50:57
You might be making some more money in that area, but it's
50:59
like I'm going to. If anything, I'm just going to
51:01
feel shitty that I don't have 200,000.
51:03
Yeah. And that's, well, that's the
51:04
same with intrinsic and X transic.
51:07
Goes back to what you're saying. Yes.
51:08
And so I truly believe that when you can get to know yourself in
51:14
a way where you're, you're make you're taking action from an
51:18
intrinsic place versus an extrinsic place, then it that's
51:21
when the results come. So in fitness, like a lot of
51:26
people are like, why aren't I losing weight?
51:27
I'm like, because you're not doing it for the right reason
51:31
and you're doing it for not you. You're doing it because of some
51:36
perception of you. Like I know so many people who
51:41
want to lose weight like for their.
51:43
Husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:46
Or for their wife or for their kid.
51:47
But like, what are you doing for you?
51:51
The best part with those scenarios too is most of the
51:54
time the husband or wife doesn't even care they.
51:56
Don't give a shit. Yeah, I just.
51:58
Want you to be healthy, they just want.
51:59
You to be healthy and just live long.
52:00
It also comes down to like what you eat too and like it's it is.
52:04
So the Jim Bros do have it there on the protein, but I.
52:07
Mean they got they got some stuff going.
52:08
On they do. And I think it's also the
52:10
culture that like women can do it too, like the the the Pilates
52:13
Princess like craze is like that's so unattainable.
52:19
Like it's so unattainable. What is it?
52:21
Like I'm going to go in my in my matching workout set, I'm going
52:25
to go do Pilates and I'm going to be super skinny and I'm going
52:28
to be like super fit Drink a. Matcha tea.
52:31
Drink a matcha and I'm like, you have spent $200 like that's not
52:35
attainable. And then the gym Bros want to
52:38
get that, but they don't know how to talk to those type of
52:42
women because they're not, they're not going into those
52:46
spaces. Which is why I think group
52:50
fitness can be really fun 'cause it takes away all the, it can
52:53
take away the vanity. Like there are some places where
52:55
it's only vanity and group fitness.
52:57
But yeah, I think community fitness is like really important
53:03
at. And we've had some like younger
53:05
kids come into the studio too, like 17 year olds.
53:07
And I'm like, yes, get them in here.
53:09
Wow. Yeah, I mean, it's a community
53:13
in, in like I, I think everyone needs community, especially
53:16
addicts and Alcoholics and how so yeah, I guess balancing the
53:21
two recovery and what like how do how do they help you
53:25
differently? I would say, well, that's that's
53:27
my question. So recovery.
53:30
Community, I mean, yeah. Wait, would you sorry, just I
53:35
keep saying what you were saying.
53:36
I'm gonna. I find recovery and like doing
53:39
self reflection work. Like helps me bring up shit and
53:44
then fitness helps me release it.
53:48
That's very simple and I love it.
53:51
I've never thought about it like.
53:52
That so it's like I'm doing the work, I'm journaling.
53:54
I'm like I. Don't like this?
53:56
That's a truth. Ye, I've been burying that for a
53:58
long time. OK, How am I going to get rid of
54:00
it? I'm going to go lift some
54:02
fucking heavy shit around going to churn the blood.
54:04
I'm going to remember I said like emotions are energy,
54:08
emotions are frequency. I'm going to, I'm literally
54:10
going to pump it out of my system.
54:13
And then you get that clarity and then I reintegrate it or
54:17
reintegrate new thoughts with more self reflection, work with
54:21
community, with doing a little bit of yoga, eating a good meal.
54:26
And then it's literally like replacing it.
54:31
That's my philosophy at least. It's like, so it's like, it's
54:34
like self reflection, physical work, nourishing your body and
54:38
then like community. Love that.
54:41
Yeah, it's like a circle. Right.
54:42
Yeah. And it's, it's not so much.
54:44
It's like a, it's like a. And it's constantly like
54:47
changing and moving, but those elements are always there.
54:50
And it's very, it's very, very simple.
54:53
And I discovered it early on and I was like, Oh my God, this
54:56
works for me. Self reflection is, is so
55:00
important in recovery. I think that that's one of the
55:03
most important things is, you know, you have two jobs in this
55:05
life to find your true self and then to love that true self.
55:09
And how do I do that? Well, I gotta find out who the
55:11
fuck I am first. But going to, you know, recovery
55:14
communities, but also the journaling is a big part
55:17
journaling. Is huge doing like obviously
55:19
like step work and all of that, but like also therapy, like good
55:24
therapy, not therapy where they're just validating your
55:27
shitty behaviour, but therapy where they're actually like
55:30
getting you to change. Because I think there's a lot of
55:33
therapists where I'm like, I'm sorry, are you just agreeing
55:36
with me? Like, and you need to like like
55:39
and therapy can get really weaponized too.
55:42
I think people can be like, I'm protecting my mental health and
55:45
then it's like, no, you're just avoiding, which I'm totally
55:49
guilty of. Yeah, I think there's a a big
55:52
difference between like you need a therapist that can read you
55:57
and, and tell what you need in the moment, right.
55:59
It's like, do you need to be heard right now or do you need
56:02
to be directed? Yeah, you know, and most of the
56:05
time I need to be directed. Like I honestly getting heard
56:08
and validated, it comes in handy sometimes.
56:11
And I do need that sometimes. I mean, I need to be told that
56:14
I'm on the right path sometimes. Like I need to be validated that
56:16
like I'm exactly where I need to be, as simple as that sounds.
56:20
I think for men at least it's like I, I think for men it's I
56:25
need to be told that I, I like, I matter to the tribe, like I'm
56:30
contributing in some way. I think that's the big one.
56:33
And that, yeah, that I'm, I'm not for nothing, Right.
56:37
That's really nice, Yeah. That's so like, you do matter.
56:41
You do. You're a part of the tribe.
56:43
Could you tell me? No, I'm.
56:44
Kidding. Yeah.
56:44
Could you tell me again that I matter?
56:46
Yeah. And I think for me, I needed to
56:51
to practice and to be reminded that I'm not a piece of shit
56:57
because a lot of the at least for like being a young girl, it
57:01
was this like not enoughness that is everywhere.
57:06
And I think it's from for men too, just for people in general.
57:09
But that again, that's where like fitness really helped me
57:12
because I was able to do hard shit.
57:16
And I was like, oh, I'm spending most of my time, like, in the
57:20
gym and talking to cool people. I'm not doing those shitty
57:23
things and making bad decisions anymore.
57:25
Yeah. Yeah.
57:27
And and this perceived limitation thing, it's so
57:30
important. It's like, I didn't know I could
57:31
do that. I didn't know I could do.
57:33
That like, I had no idea. Yeah, yeah.
57:34
What else can I do? Yeah, exactly.
57:36
And then it's like again, then you go back into like the self
57:39
reflection and don't let yourself go too far down the
57:41
rabbit hole of like obsession. So it's, it's this constant
57:44
dance of like, OK, yeah, I'm gonna go all in.
57:47
And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna ease back out a little bit.
57:50
So I don't, I go, don't go too far off the deep end.
57:53
Yeah. I love it.
57:55
Let's end with this. I I had a lot of fun today.
57:57
Yeah. Fitness has always been a staple
58:01
in my life. Come to a group fitness class?
58:02
Don't. Know about that?
58:03
No, yeah, try to get me to to. Get you out of the West.
58:06
End Yeah, that and to, you know, agree to something on camera.
58:10
Yeah, accountable. But yeah, no, I, I definitely
58:13
want to, I believe in the fitness community and you know,
58:18
there is a lot of toxicity in it just finds it's like, it's like
58:24
recovery, right? All of 12 step is bad.
58:28
Well, well. Have you tried over here?
58:30
Have you tried over there? Have you actually tried?
58:34
You know you need to find a good group.
58:37
Yes. Instead of paint the whole
58:39
fitness industry wrong. Exactly.
58:40
So I think like back to what we were saying in the beginning,
58:43
like my goal or my, my purpose here is to be a little bit of a
58:50
lighthouse and be like, hey, like there's just there's
58:53
another way to do it. There's there is another way.
58:57
I'm not the solution. I'm not, you know, I'm not the
59:00
best because I've discovered this, but like, there is another
59:02
way to do it if you want. I'm gonna be doing it over here
59:05
anyway. So just come hang out with me.
59:07
Yeah, that's that's my goal. Whatever size, race, color.
59:11
Yeah. Religion.
59:12
Yeah. You're welcome.
59:13
Doesn't matter. Come here and.
59:14
Join us, Yeah. Cuz we need you.
59:16
We need everyone. Yeah, and you can do it.
59:19
Yeah. And you matter.
59:20
And I need you to do hard things to prove that I can do hard.
59:23
Exactly. And you matter.
59:24
Exactly. Let's end with this.
59:26
OK, If you What do you hope? Yeah.
59:30
What do you hope people get out of your story?
59:35
I hope people smile a little bit and, like, not take themselves
59:39
so seriously. I hope people can like, just
59:43
exhale a little bit and be like, Oh yeah, I don't have to.
59:49
I don't have to do shit that makes me unhappy.
59:53
Like there is another way and there are people out there that
59:58
also feel that way. So I hope people get a little
1:00:01
sense of, like, relief. I hope people.
1:00:05
Just try something that is meaningful to them, that's all.
1:00:09
Thanks so much for coming down. Thanks for having me.
1:00:11
Appreciate it. Yay.
1:00:13
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
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1:00:19
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
1:00:22
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1:00:24
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice,
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addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is
1:00:31
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
1:00:34
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1:00:38
You are no longer alone.