Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #207 Taming That Voice Inside Your Head

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#207 Taming That Voice Inside Your Head · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, changing our self talk isn't instantly going to change
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  Speaker 2: our world because it takes time for it to compound.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello.
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  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books
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  Speaker 2: about raising happy families. And I'm sitting in front of
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  Speaker 2: my wife and co host, my podcast partner, and one
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  Speaker 2: of our six daughters, missus Happy Families, Kylie, who's got
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  Speaker 2: a big grill on her face because she knows that
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  Speaker 2: I'm about to highlight that. Can I say? I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if this is too impolite. Kylie's been walking around
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  Speaker 2: the house for the last forty eight hours, kind of
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  Speaker 2: like she wet her pants, except she didn't. But because
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  Speaker 2: Kylie has announced that the florists recourse has had to
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  Speaker 2: wait for a little while, Kylie said, well, you know what,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to get back onto my other goals. I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to make time for myself. I'm going to go
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  Speaker 2: to the gym. And how I've been paying.
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  Speaker 4: All of these things is to have a gym membership,
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  Speaker 4: and I haven't been maximizing it.
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  Speaker 2: So, how long has it been since you've been back
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  Speaker 2: to the gym this week I've started, Yeah, how long
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  Speaker 2: had it been until, oh, maybe four years? Yeah? And
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  Speaker 2: you know what it's like. You shot for boot camp
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  Speaker 2: on day one and you go gung ho and you're
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  Speaker 2: so excited about it, and then you wake up on
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  Speaker 2: day two, Kylie.
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  Speaker 4: And let's say, going to the toill it might have
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  Speaker 4: been a little bit harder than I remember.
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  Speaker 2: So maybe you did with your pants.
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  Speaker 4: No, but fighting the seat was a lot harder.
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  Speaker 2: Kylie did legs on day one, and oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: we've just we've had so much fun making fun of me. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: getting able to walk up and down the stairs. Haven't
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  Speaker 2: followed you to the bathroom. I didn't know that that
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  Speaker 2: little bit of personal disclosure was going to come out,
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  Speaker 2: but anyway, we got some. Really, we love it when
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  Speaker 2: you contact us, is what I'm trying to say. Podcasts
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  Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com dot you. We also love
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  Speaker 2: the reviews and ratings that you leave on the Apple
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  Speaker 2: podcasts app. I'm going to talk more about that shortly,
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  Speaker 2: but Taran send us an email. Taran's an adelaide and
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  Speaker 2: asked a bit of a curly question.
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  Speaker 4: Hi Taran, thanks for joining us.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, so good of you to be with us. We've
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  Speaker 2: had a few technical issues trying to just make this happen,
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  Speaker 2: and you've you've had the most entertaining morning of your week.
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  Speaker 2: I'm gussing, but we've got you now, Taran. Can you
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  Speaker 2: tell us a bit about what you do in Adelaide
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  Speaker 2: and why you reached out to us.
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  Speaker 3: So, I'm a mental health clinician, I'm an occupational therapist too,
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  Speaker 3: and also I'm of three little kids, and I suppose
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  Speaker 3: there's a lot of stuff we read about, and there's
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  Speaker 3: even a post on your Facebook page from our parenting
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  Speaker 3: around the impact of critical talk to our children and
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  Speaker 3: how that develops the inner voice. I guess I was
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  Speaker 3: thinking a little bit beyond that around how I guess
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  Speaker 3: negative talking and critical thinking about ourselves can then have
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  Speaker 3: an impact on our children and whether or not that
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  Speaker 3: too becomes more like they in a voice or a
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  Speaker 3: way that they then thinking start thinking about themselves.
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  Speaker 4: That was my question.
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  Speaker 2: It's such a great question as well, because the things
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  Speaker 2: that we say to them are obviously so direct, but
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  Speaker 2: then what you're really saying is could there be an
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  Speaker 2: indirect impact on our children and their voice based on
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  Speaker 2: what we say about ourselves exactly.
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  Speaker 3: Yep.
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  Speaker 2: Let me ask you a question, Taran. If a mum
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  Speaker 2: speaks negatively, and I'm going to use mum because obviously
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  Speaker 2: I'm talking to you and ninety percent of our audience
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  Speaker 2: is mums. If a mum speaks negatively to herself in
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  Speaker 2: the mirror about her body and her five year old
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  Speaker 2: daughter hears it, does her five year old daughter do
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  Speaker 2: you think internalize anything in relation to the way she
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  Speaker 2: might view her body.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we've been told that that is the case. That absolutely,
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  Speaker 3: the child then starts kind of having those criticisms or
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  Speaker 3: thoughts around whether they could be fat or ugly or
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  Speaker 3: out of shape. But does that also then apply to
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  Speaker 3: the mum who might say, Oh, I'm stupid, I'm not
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  Speaker 3: good enough, I'm not worth anything, I'm useless, I can't
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  Speaker 3: do it is apply to that language as well.
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  Speaker 2: So, Taran, what we call this is an intergenerational transfer
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  Speaker 2: of mindset, cognitive mindset, when we pass things on from
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  Speaker 2: one generation to the next, and it does happen. There's
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  Speaker 2: no research studies that I would call robust and really
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  Speaker 2: strong that have gone and looked at precisely how our
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  Speaker 2: own inner voice transfers to our children. But there's plenty
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  Speaker 2: of anecdotal research, and there's lots of sporadic bits and
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  Speaker 2: pieces of research around the place. And what we're going
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  Speaker 2: to do is come back in a second talk about
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  Speaker 2: how we can filter our inner voice and make sure
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  Speaker 2: that we give our children the support that they need
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  Speaker 2: so they can develop the drength and the kindness and
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  Speaker 2: self compassion that they need to tackle these big challenges
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  Speaker 2: on their own. It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 5:08
  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
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• 5:23
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  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And before the break,
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  Speaker 4: we were actually having a great conversation with Taran, who
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  Speaker 4: sent an email into us at podcasts at happy Families
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  Speaker 4: dot com dot AU.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you, Taran. We really appreciate that.
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  Speaker 4: She wanted to know about this whole idea of whether
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  Speaker 4: or not our own inner self talk actually has significant
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  Speaker 4: implications for our children's in her voice.
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  Speaker 2: All right, So this is this is one of those
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  Speaker 2: ones where I kind of I got a little bit
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  Speaker 2: funny when we've got to talk about this, because in
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  Speaker 2: the pop culture pop psychology world, there's all of this
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  Speaker 2: talk that's out there that I think is not necessarily helpful.
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  Speaker 2: Like I was listening to it. I can't believe'm admitting this.
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  Speaker 2: I was listening to an OPRAH podcast. Oprah is actually
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  Speaker 2: pretty awesome.
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  Speaker 3: AWESO.
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  Speaker 2: All right, I'm going to say I was listening to
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  Speaker 2: an Oprah podcast maybe six or nine months ago now,
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  Speaker 2: and jay Loo was on there. She just turned fifty,
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  Speaker 2: and everyone's always going on about how beautiful she is
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  Speaker 2: and what does she do for a skin? And she's
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  Speaker 2: got this thing where she's like, stop talking about what
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  Speaker 2: I do. And she said, I practice a daily affirmation
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  Speaker 2: myself talk about my physical appearance is and I quote,
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  Speaker 2: I've actually looked it up so I could get it
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  Speaker 2: exactly right. She says, quote every day I say I
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  Speaker 2: am youthful and timeless at every age. Close quote.
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  Speaker 4: I think I need to try that I can look
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  Speaker 4: half for the good. J Loo at fifty, I will
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  Speaker 4: be happy.
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  Speaker 2: I roll my eyes when I hear that. It is
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  Speaker 2: kind of like it's kind of like you remember the
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  Speaker 2: book that came out and they made a movie out
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  Speaker 2: of it, The Secret. Do you remember that?
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  Speaker 1: No?
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  Speaker 4: I don't, but I have looked into it a little bit,
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  Speaker 4: and you know, I'm assuming that it's this book based
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  Speaker 4: on this idea of the law of attraction manifesting.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, if you think it you can have
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  Speaker 2: it in your life, which I just I mean, I've
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  Speaker 2: been thinking about winning the lotto for a long time
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  Speaker 2: and it still hasn't happened. So I just don't buy
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  Speaker 2: the whole manifesting thing.
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  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 2: Your mum's a bit like this, Yeah, she is. You
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  Speaker 2: can create it just you know, drive into the car
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  Speaker 2: space and have positive thoughts and a car space, you know,
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  Speaker 2: like somebody will back out and you can get in
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  Speaker 2: the crowded car park you can have the spot. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that's totally her.
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  Speaker 4: My favorite one from your mum is she buys a wart.
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  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, my mom buys warts. So when we were kids,
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  Speaker 2: she would say, well, you don't want that wart, how
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  Speaker 2: a baud if I buy it off, you 'll buy
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  Speaker 2: it off your for fifty cents or a dollar, And
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  Speaker 2: so she'd give us the money. And here's the crazy
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  Speaker 2: thing about it. Now, I don't know any research on this,
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  Speaker 2: and I feel so bizarre saying, I can't believe you
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  Speaker 2: dragged this out of me. My mum bought about twenty
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  Speaker 2: eight warts off me. I had warts all over my
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  Speaker 2: hands when I was well. It was gross and I
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  Speaker 2: was very uncomfortable about it. But it's the reality of
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  Speaker 2: life for a lot of people. I had about twenty
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  Speaker 2: eight warts on my hands and I remember she gave
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  Speaker 2: me two dollars eighty. I felt like I was so rich,
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  Speaker 2: and she was like, well, now that I've bought those
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  Speaker 2: warts for ten cents each, I own them, so you
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  Speaker 2: need to surrender them. And I kid you not. Within
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  Speaker 2: two weeks I had no warts on my hands and
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  Speaker 2: I have never had a wart since.
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  Speaker 4: That is crazy.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what's even more, how do you explain that.
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  Speaker 4: Is that we've actually done this with our children.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe that, yes, we have, and they don't
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  Speaker 2: have any want We've bought the warts off our girls.
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  Speaker 2: I think I've made a dollary.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I was about to say, interest time, it was
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  Speaker 4: a lot more expensive for us.
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  Speaker 2: But as a research scientist, as a person with a
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  Speaker 2: PhD in psychology, I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of
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  Speaker 2: manifesting and this idea that we can visualize and affirm
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  Speaker 2: our way into an out of things. Now, that might
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  Speaker 2: not sound like it's going anything to do with Taran
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  Speaker 2: and her question, but it's worth spending some time on this,
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  Speaker 2: this idea. Now, psychologists don't use the term manifesting or
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  Speaker 2: affirmations or visualization. They're not really huge into that, although
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  Speaker 2: there are some pretty cool studies on visualization now. But
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  Speaker 2: what the researchers do look at is this how you.
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  Speaker 4: Guys aren't like the be all of everything.
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  Speaker 2: No, but we take things very seriously and manifesting is
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  Speaker 2: not serious enough to study. But what is self talk
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  Speaker 2: is serious enough to study. And I know you might
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  Speaker 2: say it's the same thing. I'm not going to say
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  Speaker 2: whether it is or it isn't. But you know, there's
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  Speaker 2: the textbook stuff and then there's the real life stuff,
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  Speaker 2: and we do have self talk. And self talk is
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  Speaker 2: the voice that's inside your head that never ever ever stops.
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  Speaker 2: And our voice inside our head reveals a lot about
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  Speaker 2: what we believe about ourselves. And the thing is, we
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  Speaker 2: actually believe what that voice says all the time. If
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  Speaker 2: I say to you you're a wonderful person, there's a
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  Speaker 2: little voice inside your head that reacts immediately to what
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  Speaker 2: I've just said. Or if I say you're so honest
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  Speaker 2: or you're so beautiful. As soon as I say those things,
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  Speaker 2: there's a little voice inside your head that responds with
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  Speaker 2: yeah I am, or no I'm not, or that's really
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  Speaker 2: nice of you. But I've still got a way to go.
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  Speaker 2: And some of our voices are wonderfully kind and compassionate,
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  Speaker 2: and sometimes our self talk are inner voice is abusive.
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  Speaker 2: There's no other way to say it. Sometimes, the things
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  Speaker 2: that we say to ourselves, if we said them to
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  Speaker 2: our child, you definitely call child protection.
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  Speaker 4: And we talked about that on a podcast.
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  Speaker 2: We have talked about that before, and sometimes I wonder
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  Speaker 2: if we need to call child protection on ourselves, because
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  Speaker 2: there isn't in a child inside each of us, and
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  Speaker 2: we talk so badly to it. But I guess the
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  Speaker 2: main point that I want to make here is that
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  Speaker 2: our words create our worlds. The way we speak to ourselves. Literally,
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  Speaker 2: it compounds over time. If every day I wake up
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  Speaker 2: and I say, oh, that'd be right. This stuff always
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  Speaker 2: happens to me. I'm hopeless, I'm lousy, I'm no good,
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  Speaker 2: It's just another day I can't do it. That self
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  Speaker 2: talk creates the world in which we live, and we
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  Speaker 2: live in a world where we This is going to
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  Speaker 2: sound a little bit dispassionate or a little bit lacking
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  Speaker 2: in compassion, But if our self talk is that awful,
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  Speaker 2: sometimes we actually make victims of ourselves. Changing our self
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  Speaker 2: talk isn't instantly going to change our world because it
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  Speaker 2: takes time for it to compound. But if this is
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  Speaker 2: what we bring into our life to move back towards
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  Speaker 2: Tarran's point, this is also what we bring into our
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  Speaker 2: children's lives. They see the way we talk, they hear
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  Speaker 2: the way we talk, and they watch the way our
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  Speaker 2: lives go, and they think that's what life is. They
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  Speaker 2: mirror us, they model us, they copy us. I feel
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  Speaker 2: like we.
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  Speaker 4: Could talk about this all day, but clearly we have
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  Speaker 4: a lot of parents who are time poor and just
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  Speaker 4: want answers. Doctor Justin Colson, so can you give me
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  Speaker 4: three take home message home messages and for our.
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  Speaker 2: Literally take these messages home. That's why we call it
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  Speaker 2: the take home message, Take home message Number one. Your
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  Speaker 2: self talk matters. Your words create your world.
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  Speaker 4: So what do you do if your self talk is bad?
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  Speaker 2: Change it bit by bit. You'll fail lots, but change it.
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  Speaker 2: And when you catch yourself speaking about yourself lousy like
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: oh you're such an idiot. Oh yet this always happens
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  Speaker 2: to you. When you hear yourself saying that, recognize and say,
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  Speaker 2: have some compassion on yourself be kind to yourself and
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  Speaker 2: say I need to stop saying that about myself. I
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: need to do better, and don't beat yourself up. Don't
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  Speaker 2: pull the whip out and go snap snap, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I just just accept that you blew it and change it.
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  Speaker 2: Say that happened to me just then, but it's not
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  Speaker 2: always going to happen to me. I can change this,
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  Speaker 2: you know, like literally twist it around. So that's the
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  Speaker 2: first thing. The second thing is we need to be
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  Speaker 2: our greatest cheerleader. And I don't mean like in some
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  Speaker 2: false kind of you know, I'm the greatest Muhammad Ali
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  Speaker 2: had nothing on me kind of thing to see what
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: I did there. I'm a poet and I didn't even
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: realize I could rhyme like that. But we want to
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: be our greatest cheerleader in the point from the point
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  Speaker 2: of view that we want to be saying, I believe
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  Speaker 2: in me, I've got this, I can take care of this.
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  Speaker 2: I might be struggling right now, but I know it'll
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  Speaker 2: be okay in the end. That's much more positive self
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  Speaker 2: talk than my life is ruined. And the third thing
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  Speaker 2: to remember is the way we talk about ourselves. Our
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  Speaker 2: kids see it, they watch it. They imitate it, they
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  Speaker 2: become it. Whatever you are, you know I am, that
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  Speaker 2: is what you'll be, but it's what you'll tea your
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  Speaker 2: kids to be as well.
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  Speaker 4: I really hope that this has been helpful today.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you've enjoyed the podcast, we would be so
• 14:06
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• 14:09
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• 14:11
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• 14:14
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• 14:16
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  Speaker 2: reviews that help other people to find out about the
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: podcast to make their family happier. Thank you very much
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: to Justin rule On from Bridge Media for producing the podcast,
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: and our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like
• 14:28
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• 14:31
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• 14:34
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• 14:36
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