Latest / Stacked Intent: Your Guide to Authentic, Intentional Living / How to Build a Strong, Loving, and Compassionate Relationship With Yourself

Transcript

How to Build a Strong, Loving, and Compassionate Relationship With Yourself · Stacked Intent: Your Guide to Authentic, Intentional Living

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Stacked Intent Podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to discuss and drop the tips on how you can intentionally stack your life.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Becca Stackhouse Morrison, the CEO and founder of Stacked Intent, and I look forward to having you join us each week during our episodes.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stacked Intent is a family life education business that is resonating with individuals who aspire to rediscover or discover their most authentic version of themselves.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Too often our society beautifies a relationship via romantic family or friendship, but that doesn't teach the true meaning of healthy relationship boundaries.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: This led a passion to share with individuals through each transition that it is truly possible to live an understanding that is healthy, and it's possible when you understand your most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: From a place of pain of losing friendships, becoming one-directional friendships, or simply these two were temporary along life's road.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to know and practice the keys to creating well-balanced and healthy relationships.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: There are relationship breakups and choosing to be single with much reflection to develop of the authentic version of self.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: From all these places, stacked intent was created to provide these research resources through research-based information.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to look at the ways that you can be your most authentic self and be intentional with yourself.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you're going to finish each episode being motivated to live your life more authentically.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Be with it.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: But with each episode, we're going to have a special co-host, and I'm going to let her introduce herself.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Sarah Bradley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Hope Grove Therapy and Consultation.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: My practice is located in beautiful downtown Wakumka, Alabama.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up in rural Alabama, and my passion is investing in my community by investing in its people.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: At Hope Grows, we seek to do this by working to help people improve the health of their relationships, their families, their businesses, and themselves.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: In addition to talk therapy, we offer consultation services to organizations like churches and businesses to help them improve their organizational health through workshops, conferences, and intensives.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really excited to be here today and looking forward to talking about some of the most common issues that come up in my therapy sessions.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Stacked Int Podcast.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hey guys, welcome back to the Stacked Int Podcast.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to talk about how to build a healthy self-relationship.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we hope that you walk away understanding what a self-relationship even looks like, looking at the building blocks of a healthy relationship, and then also some habits that can help strengthen it.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so throughout season 10 relationships, we're going to look at why we have this self-connection and how it's important, because it's important within our other relationships.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're going to look forward to sharing with you in these episodes how it can help you in some self-growth.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so because of our healthy relationships, it's a building block of what it is with ourselves.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So this is something that I have always found to be really important, but something that we don't always get taught.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we have this and you're a healthy individual, it's something that's going to be present in what we're doing.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so in our topic today, we're going to really look at that healthy self-relationship.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're going to get started.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And with Stacked Intent, we really believe that that is a key to how your whole life is.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's one of those things that's often a foreign concept.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so the material that comes out, and especially what's coming out from Stacked Intent right now and the email, the blog, and the podcast, they are all designed to really focus on this healthy self as we kind of start to wrap out this year.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so we are going to start with understanding what a self-relationship is.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, Sarah, what is a self-relationship?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good question.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I think a lot of people don't really think about their relationship with their self on a daily basis.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: And so when you pause to go, hey, what actually is a relationship with self?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Is that even possible?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: You know, don't I just exist?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: Um, then I think that can be really helpful in sort of giving you a new perspective on how you interact with the world.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: So basically, a self-relationship is how you view yourself and how you respond to situations internally and externally and kind of how you treat yourself in response.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like what are you talking about with yourself?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: How do you, what are the things that you say to yourself?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: And some people have an inner dialogue like that, and some people don't.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so for those of us who don't, it can be a little bit foreign to imagine self-talk as a thing that exists.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: But a lot of us do have an ongoing dialogue with ourselves as far as, you know, you you say something or you do something, and then inside your head you're like, oh, good job, or that was great, or that went super well, or wow, you really sucked that up good, or I can't believe you said that, or they're gonna think you're stupid, right?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And it it can go, it can go any kind of direction.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: It you can have the kind of relationship and dialogue with yourself that you can have with an any kind of external human.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes it's one that we're not very positive with.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like that's very true.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: We can be our own worst critic for sure.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes we're very critical on ourselves, and so that's where it can be very important of understanding what that self-understanding, self-acceptance, and the way that you treat yourself, because it's that foundation to really how we navigate everything else in that understanding.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, what is the inner friendship concept?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: So, the inner friendship concept is basically the idea of seeing yourself as someone worth caring for, just as you would see a friend.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: And this is something that I use a lot in therapy when people have a very poor self-relationship or very poor self-concept, like they don't think very much of themselves at all, or we might say that they have low self-esteem, that I will almost I sometimes I'll actually use my hands to physically mime pulling, pulling their inner self out of their body and putting it in the chair next to me and saying, Okay, I'm gonna, if I put yourself in this chair and we pretend it's a friend, how would you speak to that person?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes that's a little too hard for them to do.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: And so then I'll say, Okay, who's your best friend?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: Who's the person that you're really close to, that you really value your relationship with them and value what they say?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: And they'll name somebody and I'll say, Okay, this person is sitting right here in this chair with me.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's talk to them, let's talk through this with them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: Would you speak to them the way you're speaking to yourself?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: And then we kind of parlay that into, okay, well, if you treat yourself worse than you treat a friend, um, would you be in a relationship with that person for very long?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, I would not.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: So let's see if we can we can parallel treating yourself like you would treat a friend.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes that's a lot easier for people to visualize and understand than just saying, hey, be nice to yourself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: Say nice things to yourself.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: People just that sometimes that doesn't click with some people.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't think it clicks because it's not something we're depending on the household or the environment that you grew up in, it may be something that you hear for the first time.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be something that you've heard, or you've only been a negative dialogue.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a very good way to look at it for sure.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So in understanding what these look like, it's why it matters because the resilience that you have, your personal growth and your well-being, all kind of come together on how you look at yourself, how you respond and look.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so really looking at that self-talk and a that daily dialogue, it it really helps to look at what your self-worth is.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of the tools that I created with Stack Content was looking at 30, because it takes 66 days for us to really create a new habit.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a 30-day self-affirmation challenge, and it's like these simple little quick questions, and it shows you of something like giving yourself an affirmation.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what was something positive you said to yourself today?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's oftentimes if you look at how you've talked to yourself in the first 20 minutes in a day, you may be able to see something negative that you've already said to yourself versus something that's positive.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's really looking at how you can be positive and building that self-relationship.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: One way that I know that I've done that is I write on my mirror, my bathroom mirror.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: My sister growing up has always gotten to just see whatever I wrote on the mirror.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've done that, or I stick different sticky notes or different cards or things like that.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And as I got married, my husband got to observe that.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's finding how are ways that you can start that healthy day with yourself.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: I I've I've used the right on the mirror technique with my clients before.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: I tried to do it once and I it didn't work for me because I would just forget that it was there.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: It would become part of the I would have to constantly change what I wrote in order for it to like be visible to me.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I have to do different different tricks like that in order to use those self-affirmations for sure.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's a way that you give yourself self-affirmation?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um sometimes I at different times during my career I will have kept index cards in my desk that have um that have self-affirmations, specifically if I was going through something dealing with my anxiety or you know, just a sort of a crisis of of confidence or crisis of faith, then I would just kind of sometimes they were um they were scriptural based.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so it would be kind of what is, you know, for me, what does my faith say about my anxiety and about who I am and my identity?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: And those things were super helpful for me because I could shuffle those and I didn't know which one was gonna pop out on the top.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: And then I could be like, oh, this one was really, what is this one, how does this one apply to me today?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: And keep that on my desk for the duration of the day and then put it back in my desk and get a new one the next day.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and and otherwise it's just kind of sort of ad hoc.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's more when I need affirmation, when I recognize that my self-talk is trending in a negative direction, and I'm like, oh, I'm aware of this.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: So let me be really intentional about identifying what's true and what I'm saying to myself and what isn't true and what's not productive.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: And let's see if I can tweak this a bit to be something that's much more helpful to me.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so thankfully, after you know, a long time of work and self-regulation and discipline, I'm pretty well able to catch those things early.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_02: So I can intervene as they happen.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the key is, is in building this healthy relationship with yourself and learning what a healthy self-relationship is, you slowly are able to identify it in the beginning before you're really in some kind of downward negative pattern.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that leads us right into building blocks of a healthy relationship.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: So there are many ways to do it, but self-awareness is one of the biggest ones.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: So as you are building the tools that are in your toolbox, it is important to look at what your needs are for the building blocks of a healthy relationship.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And like Sarah and I just showed you, it could be very different.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love writing on the mirror, it helps me to see that she uses index cards when she needs it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's a start of looking at what your mindset is.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you can do this, and one way you can do it, and it doesn't work for everybody, but you can start a journal and you can just write what that inner dialogue is so that you can start to see.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are you seeing a positive self-affirmation?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are you seeing a negative self-affirmation dialogue happening?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's looking at your mindset is very important in this, and then self-care is another one.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so this can look like it's much more than a spa day.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I really believe self-care gets a bad rap because it can be something as simple as what your sleep looks like, what your exercise looks like, what your eating looks like, and staying true to yourself.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's looking at me time of what recharges and connects you.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like there, we all have very different things and needs of recharging and connecting.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's finding what that balance is.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And one thing that I've really discovered in being married is knowing and understanding what my me time was before I was in a partnership has helped in my partnership because now I can express to my partner, here's what I need in my me time.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then he's been able to do the same thing.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so it helps in that self-care balance of I need this and he needs something different.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes you got to find what that middle ground is, but you got to start with knowing what it is for yourself.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, the needs for self-care, the need for, you know, what you truly need changes over time, right?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: And you being a new mom are learning that right now, and it's gonna continue to grow and change.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: My kids are five and three, and it doesn't look the same as it did before I had the babies, and then immediately postpartum, and then two years in, and now it's just constantly like, okay, not only what do I need, but what what am I capable of doing to take care of myself right now?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: Like I, you know, when my kids were smaller, when they were three and one, I had a lot less time because they were very hands-on.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: I needed to be with them, they needed me a lot, and so now they're a little more independent.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I have time to go read a book for five or ten minutes here and there.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: I have time to bake, I have time to cook without somebody hanging off the back of my pant leg, you know?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: And um, and so what does it look like to take care of myself?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: And how can I, how can I take care of myself indirectly by investing in time with my kids and my spouse?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: You know, does because sometimes what I need is a moment of peace, and I'm only gonna get that if my kids are at peace.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_02: So if I take the time to invest in them and spend time with them and hug and love and speak to them in their love languages, then they're cool and they're at peace and they're calm and they can do their thing.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, okay, well, I might actually get to go to the bathroom alone.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like that sounds great.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: Like, or you know what?
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna go sit down and read and drink a cup of tea and model self-care for my kids.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: And but it, but like you said about self-awareness, it takes being aware of what you need and um and how to give those things to yourself and and ask for help with your partner in your community that they can support you in being able to take care of yourself as the roles in your life change.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, and that that's the big thing of like it's that where are you in life?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not gonna look the same at each stage.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's being able to have a continuing evaluation of what your needs are.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's being able to increase what that is, gaining clarity, finding a way to check in with yourself.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I think that's where having a partner that understands what your me time is or your love language is can be really helpful because they may be able to help you with that check-in or having a friend.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or I just finished a book that's find your people.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's looking at what you have, like we have different circles of people, and it's maybe those five closest, two to five closest people are the ones that can help you create what that check-in looks like so that you can be self-aware because they may be able to see something that you were not able to see in whatever stage of life you're in.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's also you might be needing to just validate what your feelings are, even though that are unpleasant.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I think that's part of what's really, really important here is it's looking at what's fun and pleasant, but it's also looking at what's unpleasant at the same time.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what's unpleasant and and not just what's unpleasant is then we need less of that in our life, but what's unpleasant and still needed, right?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: What are the things that you need to do that are not fun?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because I think I think our culture these days places a lot of emphasis on what feels good and what feels right.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: And there are a lot of things we do out of a sense of duty that are not fun.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: I don't love sweeping the floor.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_02: I don't love doing the dishes.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: But if I don't do those things, then the house falls apart.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_02: And not only am I miserable, but my spouse is miserable and my kids are like, Why are we living in living in filth?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: And and I feel terrible.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: So me taking care of myself in that sense means doing the hard thing, doing the unpleasant thing, and and out of a sense of discipline and responsibility.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I think we need to emphasize that more in today's culture and especially with the next generation.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that is.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's you say sweeping the floors.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: I hate sweeping the floors.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a vacuum cleaner that does a fantastic job of it on its own.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we have a um a tiny co wet wet vac.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: And oh man, that changed the game for us for sure.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like it cut everything in in half as far as what we have to do, and the floor just feels so much cleaner.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: Sweeps and mops at the same time, and I'm like, yes, thank you.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for inventing this, engineers.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: So mine's still going strong years later.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: There you go.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: Old faithful.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's things like you talk about things that you hate if we're talking chores.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the best at putting laundry away.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really good at washing it and drying it.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can put it in the washer, put it in the dryer, put it in a pile on the couch, but putting it away, it takes a lot of motivation to get there.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's sometimes where my husband comes in when he gets home and he puts it all away because he doesn't like it when I get it into like a giant mountain of laundry.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because I'm so proud of myself.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I did five loads of laundry, but they're all sitting on the couch.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know anyone who doesn't operate that way, honestly.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because we we have the same situation.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: It's helped me, you know, and I think it was a couple of years ago that started after after I had my second, um, trying to figure out okay, how can I make this better?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: Because now I'm doing laundry for four people and baby laundry, I just find it so annoying.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Everything is so tiny and there's mountains of it.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: And so you fold a big load of adult laundry and it takes you like 10 minutes because everything's big.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_02: But you fold a big load of tiny laundry and it's there's two or three times as many clothes in there, and they don't fold right, they all fall over when you stack them up.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: And so I would just, I was like, this is just the worst.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like, well, how am I gonna do this?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I discovered that if I sort everything out when everything's clean, if I sort it into my laundry, my husband's laundry, my daughter's, and my son's, then I can pick at it.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay, well, let me just do my son's laundry, and all of a sudden his laundry is folded and put away without having 87 different piles for all the people.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: I have five piles for his stuff.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: And so me figuring that out was really, really helpful in a form of self-care because I was able to like sit down with and wrestle with this thing that I loathe and figure out a way to make it work.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's and that's important.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's very yeah, keeping the laundry separate can.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I don't even mix the baby's laundry in with ours.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's also on the topic of remembering that no is an okay word.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: So like this is when you were saying no to certain activities, it's when it might not align right now, and so that might be something that shifted.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is before you had might have had a yes in an area, it may have had to shift to a no for a time being, or it is now a no.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's also before you say yes to people pausing to see how it is for you.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Does this allow you to have a real setup around what your self-acceptance is?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Does it align with something that's a goal for you?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's so my husband and I don't necessarily celebrate Valentine's Day because I just think it's a very over, like just you don't have to tell me you love me because everybody in the world is told that's what they should do.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: But we celebrate the day we got engaged, the day we started dating, and then our anniversary.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so those are three days that we try very hard to protect in some way.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's during the work week and we just get to go to lunch or like this weekend, we're just getting so we're just getting to go celebrate and have fun and spend time together.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: And we get to do it with a baby that's a little bit older because he came way before he was due.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's finding what aligns to you.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you say yes to somebody else, is it aligning with what's happening with you right now?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's remembering that no is an okay word.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: It is.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that, you know, when we were speaking about boundaries and self-awareness, I think it's important to pause and look back at where does the foundation of our self-relationship come from?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_02: And I do a lot of that kind of work in my office.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: And let's look at your childhood, not to be too stereotypically cliche therapist, but like, what was your relationship with your parents like?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: What did they say to you about yourself?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_02: Because when we're when we're small, our identity doesn't come from within us.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_02: It's bound up in our relationships with our mom and then our relationship with our mom and dad.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: And then slowly we get peers and siblings incorporated into that as well.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: And we're learning all of these things about ourselves based on the way not only that they speak to us, but the way they treat us.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_02: If they tell us that We're important to them, and then they never show up for any of our softball games and dance recitals and baseball tournaments and all that stuff, then what are we really learning about ourselves?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_02: Are we learning that we're really actually important to someone else?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: And if we're not important to someone else, are we important to ourselves?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: How are we supposed to learn that we have to be important to ourselves and care for ourselves if everyone around us is not teaching us that or people around us are not teaching us that?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: So it's helpful when you're talking about reevaluating your self-relationship to look back and go, okay, who laid the first groundwork here and did they do a good job?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_02: Are there some bricks laid here that are crumbling, that are faulty, that are flawed, that I need to knock out and put something else in?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_02: So have I always considered myself to be less worthy than other people, or have I always considered myself to be not trustworthy?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_02: Have I always considered everyone else's opinion to be more important than mine?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, if that's the case, let's look at why that is.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_02: And let's say, is that actually true?
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_02: And if it's not true and it's not what I want to believe about myself, I need to attack there.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like I need to recognize this is a weakness, this is a growth area in my self-relationship and my self-image.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_02: Let me focus my attention on this and see if I can improve here.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_02: Otherwise, we're trying to build more house on top of a cracked foundation.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_02: And everybody knows how that goes.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: So let's look back a little bit so that you can know where you're going moving forward.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to look at it when you came from a family that had some healthy dynamics and unhealthy because it's you learned it either way.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: You learned it from whatever your family was that you grew up in.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so it is important.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to recognize what it does to you as an adult.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because what the interesting thing in that is when you look at our behavior, is that sometimes it just makes that even as an adult, whatever you had as a child, you'll revert back to when those certain people show up in your life.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you're working on self-awareness, the and you're that healthy self-relationship, sometimes you got to reflect on what that looks like.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be the uncomfortable space that you've got to sit in a second to see what it is.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_02: And that's where, you know, a couple of sessions with a therapist, not to, you know, advertise, but a couple of sessions with a therapist can be really helpful because I've had so many people come in and say, Well, I had a good childhood.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, that's awesome.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna try to pick that apart.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_02: But then we start to see things like, okay, well, you had a great childhood.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_02: You have a great parent, great two parents, even.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: Your parents never got divorced.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: And in fact, I'm hearing that you're telling me your dad loved you so much he made all your decisions for you.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, because he wanted to protect you, right?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, cool.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, well, now all of a sudden you've gotten to you're an adult and you feel like you have to ask other people for everything, right?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: Like, where do I go get my tires rotated?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_02: Where, you know, how do I pay my taxes?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_02: How do I do this?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and there's and there's a certain amount of things, like obviously we have to ask for help and the wisdom of others.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's amazing.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: But now I'm hearing that you don't trust yourself to do a lot of stuff.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_02: You don't trust yourself to pick a romantic partner.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: You don't trust yourself, oh, did I write my resume for this job interview well enough?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Like, okay, well, let's let's look back at the origin of that.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: And your dad, though he loved you very much and was very well-meaning, implicitly communicated to you that his decision making was more, was better than yours, was more trustworthy than yours.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_02: And that's just an example of, you know, I had a great childhood, but I still came out with wounds, and what do we need to do about that?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: And so if you're if you're working on your self-concept and you're working on setting boundaries and you're having a hard time, it might be worth looking at something that you didn't think you had to look at.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go turn over that rock for a second.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_02: And we're not gonna vilify your dad.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna say, I'm so glad he loved you.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_02: But let's talk about how we need to love you also.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, which is important.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what making time for yourself is so important.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's because when we look at things and when you look at all good things, even negative things, but good things, you've got to nurture that self-relationship.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to spend that time with yourself to understand what you need.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: So sitting down with somebody who can give you an outside view that can be super helpful and being able to move yourself forward in a healthy direction.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do using that with self-help books, journaling yourself, even the conversations with friends.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta make sure the friends that you're choosing to have these discussions with help you find healthy ways.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want somebody that's just gonna villainize what's going on.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so boundaries with yourself.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, we have a note here balancing discipline with kindness.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so recognizing that these are some things that I do that I'm very proud of.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_02: These are some things that I do well.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, let me encourage these things and let me also recognize that there are some things that I should be doing differently.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: There's some things that I'm not doing so well, maybe the ways I interact with friends or ways I conduct myself at work or at home with my family.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I recognize that I still think I'm a good person, but I struggle in these areas or I need to grow in these areas.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: So being kind to yourself in the sense that I'm not sitting here saying, wow, you're such a loser for X, Y, Z.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_02: But let's say, oh, you're a good person who does these things and makes these choices.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_02: Let's work on that.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so when you're setting boundaries with yourself, you know, I have a hard time, I show up late to things, or I don't text people back.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, let's be kind to ourselves and not vilify ourselves for failing in these areas.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_02: But let's let's be a little stern as well and say, okay, well, if you want to be better at this, what are some ways we can put things into place that encourage you to show up a little earlier or to respond quicker to things or remember things if your brain has a hard time remembering, like mine does, because I'm ADHD.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so what are some things that you can, you can, you boundaries you can put in place in a kind way, um, but also encourage yourself to grow?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_02: Because looking at ourselves and going, wow, you're amazing, like you're the best person ever, and everyone should just bow at your feet is not going to help you grow.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_02: It's also not gonna be a good thing for you to do helling yourself out on a regular basis because that's not that's not how good, healthy relationships are sustained.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, if you think you're God's gift to humanity, then people aren't gonna want to hang out with you most of the time.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_02: But that that doesn't tend to go very well.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_02: So let's let's intersperse kindness.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um, let's kindness, kindness is truth, right?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_02: So truth can be tough and truth can be life-giving, and it can be a wonderful to hear.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_02: So let's be truthful and honest with ourselves in a kind way, not a cruel way.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's and that's what's so important.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's important to give yourself grace, but as you're doing this and you're figuring it out, if you've never really started with what a healthy relationship looks like with yourself, it's finding the humility and sitting in the good and bad and not thinking that you're so much better than everybody else, because that doesn't help.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also looking at the small wins.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: What is something that happened in your day that can be a small win?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's finding those positives, it's practicing gratitude towards yourself in some ways or towards what's going on, because really what we feed our minds is what we're gonna be able to see on our outlook.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's being able to look at maybe growth, maybe it's you set a boundary with somebody and you're proud of yourself for respecting your boundary.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's a small win, even if they don't like your boundary.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are there for you, not necessarily the other person.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you've done it in a kind and a respectful way, that's a win to celebrate.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there are ways that you can strengthen your habits of a healthy self-relationship.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: What are some of those ways?
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_02: So, one of the things that I love and I use a lot in my sessions and even personally are daily check-ins.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I use these, I use these with my couples to check in with it with their relationship.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so we can easily apply that to our own self.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_02: So check in on your mood periodically throughout the day.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_02: If you don't have a good relationship with yourself, typically you're not really keyed into what you're feeling, your attitude, and your sort of thought process throughout the day.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_02: You're kind of going along and yourself is being dragged along with it, right?
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_02: You're you're you're less in control and you're less in the driver's seat.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_02: So being checking in and going, hmm, I'm feeling a little off today.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_02: Let me take that into consideration when I'm having conversations with people, making decisions, and planning the rest of my day.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, maybe I'm noticing that I tend to feel off halfway through the morning.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe I need to eat a more nourishing breakfast.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, maybe I need to evaluate my nutrition and my sleep if I'm if I'm dragging throughout halfway through the morning.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: So, okay, so that's I would not know that if I wasn't paying attention.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, but also thinking about your needs.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_02: Again, you have to be listening to yourself in order to know what your needs are.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_02: Because and without knowing what your needs are, you can't communicate them or pursue them with anyone else.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_02: So, how do you know what to ask for from your boss, your colleague, or your partner if you don't know what you need?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_02: So, okay, I recognize that um, you know, next month is the anniversary of, we'll say, something that's really difficult in my life.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe, maybe I lost a loved one and a death adversary is coming up.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that I really struggle around that time.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm gonna need to make my load a little lighter then.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna want to um maybe see fewer clients or uh plan some breaks throughout the week.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_02: Or, you know what, maybe I get in my head a lot, so I want to work a little bit denser so that I don't overthink things and get into a tight spot.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_02: So knowing that I need that is key to me being able to provide that to myself, pursue that and and go along with that.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's all very important.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's understanding, and it's understanding that it takes practice, it's a habit.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've never had a healthy self-relationship, it's gonna take time.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that you can just decide you want today and tomorrow you're gonna have.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that sometimes it takes a little while, and it takes going through embracing what the journey looks like and taking that on.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to remember that when you are caring for yourself, it doesn't make you selfish when you are caring for who you are, because if you are neglecting your relationship with yourself, then you're gonna struggle to be your fullest.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I hope that you walked away today understanding what this health relationship is, what some building blocks can look like for you, and ways that you can practice strengthening those habits for a healthy self-relationship.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, Sarah, what would you say a call to action would be for our listeners today?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_02: I would say to remember and remind yourself that building a healthy self-relationship is a process, not a destination.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so so asking yourself, where do I want to get to?
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then not expecting myself to be there right now.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's let's get the light at the end of the tunnel, let's focus on our destination, mark that down on the map, and let's go all the way back to the beginning and go, okay, what are what is the first step I can take?
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_02: What is one thing I can do differently today?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and just to sort of call back to the beginning, we're talking about the inner friendship concept.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself, if I were my best friend, what would I tell myself today?
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_02: Or how would I treat myself today?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_02: Or how would I encourage my best friend or myself to behave differently in a different situation?
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so you sort of framing it that way can help us think a little bit more clearly about how we want things to be different.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_02: Plot that step number one and see what happens after that.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a great way to do it.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's the best way to look.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: Look at what you want the end result to be and then backtrack to what you can start with today.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there's some resources that Stacked Intent has that can connect you back to yourself.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if you head over to StackedIntent.com, the free resource page, there's the 30-day self-affirmation challenge and happy moments.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so those are both things to help give you resources to look at positive interaction with building a healthy self.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: That brings us to the end of this episode of Stacked Intent.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you love this episode as much as I did, head on over and rate and subscribe so you will never miss an episode.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: New episodes are going to be dropped on Thursdays.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, this is Becca, and don't forget, enrich your life by being intentional.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast was created, produced, and recorded, and edited by Stacked Intent.