Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle Conflict Between Direct Reports
Transcript
- Lucas: You've been a manager for maybe six weeks. You're finally feeling like you have a handle on the one-on-ones, the feedback loops, the skip-levels. And then it happens — two of your direct reports walk into your office, both visibly upset, and they want you to adjudicate a conflict that's been simmering for weeks. Luna: And your first instinct is probably to figure out who's right and who's wrong, and then announce a verdict like you're Judge Judy. Lucas: Exactly. But that's almost always the wrong move. Because when you declare a winner and a loser, you might solve the immediate flare-up, but you poison the relationship long-term, and you train your team to bring every disagreement to you instead of learning to work through it themselves. Luna: So what's the better play? I've got to imagine there's a framework here. Lucas: There is. I call it the 'Trust Triangle,' and it has four steps. I picked this up from a VP of Engineering at a mid-size SaaS company — let's call it 'CloudHive' — who walked me through how she handled a clash between a senior backend engineer and a product manager over sprint priorities. Luna: Oh, that classic — 'the engineer wants to refactor the database for scalability, the PM wants to ship the new feature by end of quarter.' I've seen that exact fight. Lucas: Right. So step one of the Trust Triangle is: separate the people from the problem. When they first came to her, she didn't let them rehash the blow-up in her office. Instead, she scheduled two separate 30-minute conversations with each of them alone. Her goal was to understand each person's perspective without the other person in the room. Luna: That's smart — because in a joint meeting, people posture. They perform for the audience. Alone, they're more likely to be honest about what's really bugging them. Lucas: Exactly. And what she discovered was that the engineer's real concern wasn't just technical debt — he was worried that shipping the new feature without the refactor would create a cascade of bugs that would make him look incompetent. And the PM's real concern wasn't just the deadline — she was worried that if they didn't ship by the end of the quarter, her bonus would be cut by 15 percent. Luna: So the surface-level argument was about priorities, but the underlying interests were about reputation and compensation. That's the key insight, right? Step two is listening for those underlying interests. Lucas: Exactly. Step two is: listen for interests, not positions. The position is 'we need to refactor the database.' The interest is 'I don't want to be blamed for production outages.' The PM's position is 'we need to ship the feature.' Her interest is 'I don't want to lose my bonus.' Once you know the interests, you can start looking for a solution that addresses both. Luna: And that brings us to step three, I'm guessing — reframe the shared goal. Lucas: Bingo. Step three is: reframe the conflict as a shared problem. The VP at CloudHive brought the engineer and the PM back together, but this time she started the meeting by saying, 'Okay, here's what I'm hearing. You both want this product to succeed. You both want to be proud of the work you ship. And you both want to avoid a situation where quality suffers or deadlines slip. Let's figure out how to get all of those things.' Luna: It's such a small shift in language, but it changes the entire energy of the room. Instead of 'you versus me,' it becomes 'us versus the problem.' Lucas: Exactly. And then step four is: co-create a commitment. You don't dictate the solution. You guide them to build one themselves. In this case, the VP asked them to come up with three options that would address both of their interests. They came back with a plan where the engineer would spend two days on the most critical part of the refactor — the part that would prevent the biggest bugs — and then the PM would push the feature deadline by one week, and in return, the engineer agreed to work a weekend to help with the final QA. Luna: So they owned the solution. That's huge. Because if you as the manager impose a compromise, nobody's really happy, and they'll keep bringing you their disputes. But if they build the compromise themselves, they're invested in making it work. Lucas: That's the whole point of the Trust Triangle. Separate, listen, reframe, co-create. And the reason it works is that it builds the relationship muscle between the two people, not between each person and you. The next time they have a disagreement, they're more likely to try the framework themselves before escalating. Luna: I want to push back on something, though. How do you know when it's appropriate to mediate vs. when you should let them sort it out themselves? Because I've seen managers who jump in too early and create dependency. Lucas: Great question. The rule of thumb I use is: if the conflict is about a substantive disagreement — like what priority to assign a project, or what technical approach to use — and it's not personal, let them work it out. You can check in after 48 hours to see if they've made progress. But if it's become personal — if there's name-calling, or if one person feels bullied or marginalized — you need to step in immediately. Because those kinds of conflicts don't resolve themselves; they fester. Luna: And what about when one person comes to you in private and says, 'I don't feel comfortable talking to them directly'? Lucas: That's a signal that you need to mediate, but you should still use the Trust Triangle. Start with separate conversations, then bring them together with you as a facilitator. But never promise confidentiality in that situation — you have to say, 'I appreciate you trusting me, but if we're going to resolve this, I'll need to bring some of what you've shared into a conversation with both of you. I'll do it in a way that's respectful and that frames it as a shared challenge.' Luna: That's honest. It sets clear expectations. And it prevents the 'gotcha' moments later. Lucas: One more thing I want to emphasize: as a new manager, you have to resist the urge to solve the problem yourself. I've seen so many first-time managers hear a conflict, think they know the answer, and say, 'Okay, here's what we're going to do.' And it works in the short term, but it undercuts the team's ability to handle their own disagreements. Luna: It's like being a helicopter parent for your team. You mean well, but you're stunting their growth. Lucas: Exactly. And speaking of growth, if you've found this episode useful — or any of our previous 49 episodes — and you want to support the show so we can keep making ad-free content like this, one great way is to buy us a coffee. It's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's B-U-Y-M-E-A-C-O-F-F-E-E dot com slash F-E-X-I-N-G-O. A small gesture that goes a long way toward keeping the podcast sustainable. Luna: And it really does help. We don't run ads, so listener support is what keeps this going. If you've ever gotten a tip from the show that helped you in your career, consider it. Lucas: Absolutely. Now, back to the Trust Triangle. One nuance I want to add: the order of steps matters. If you skip step one — separating the people from the problem — and go straight to reframing, you might miss the underlying interests. And if you skip step two — listening for interests — your reframe will be based on assumptions, not reality. Luna: So it's a sequence, not a checklist. You can't rearrange the steps. Lucas: Right. And the co-create step is the most delicate. You have to be patient. Let them sit in the silence. Let them propose imperfect solutions. Your job is to ask questions like, 'What would happen if we tried that?', 'How would that address your concern about the bonus?', 'What's the smallest step we could take to test that idea?' Luna: I love that. Questions, not orders. That's the leadership sweet spot. Lucas: Exactly. So to recap: when two direct reports bring you a conflict, don't judge. Don't solve. Use the Trust Triangle. Separate. Listen. Reframe. Co-create. And over time, you'll build a team that can handle its own friction without needing you to referee every scuffle. Luna: And that's the real goal of a new manager — not to have all the answers, but to build a team that can find its own answers together. Lucas: Exactly. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.