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The Fork in the Road: Choosing Between Acceptance and Ultimatums · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for May 16, 2026 The fork in the road, choosing between
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  acceptance and ultimatums.
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  I promised to talk today about living with it and ultimatums.
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  Deciding to live with a broken part of your marriage is sometimes the only sane choice.
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  It can also be a very loving choice. But it's not an easy thing,
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  and you should devote a good deal of prayer and thought to it before you go that route.
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  If it's become evident your spouse can't or won't change whatever,
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  However, continuing to fight about it is putting both of you through turmoil for no reason.
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  Letting it go is a kindness to yourself and your spouse.
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  There are two questions to ask yourself.
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  Does it justify divorce?
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  If not, then living with it is pretty much your only option.
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  So how can you make the best of the situation? How do you get a life,
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  invite your spouse to join you, and do life without them if they won't join you?
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  How do you grieve what your spouse is not doing and then move past it?
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  You need to let it go rather than jabbing them about it from time to time or
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  expecting to be thanked for your sacrifice.
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  If the issue does allow for divorce, then the question would be,
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  is that what God wants you to do?
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  It being allowed does not make it God's will. Can you live with it? Will it drive you crazy?
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  Will you drive your spouse crazy? If you still have children at home,
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  living with it may be a temporary thing for their sake.
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  This can be a painful sacrifice, and I have great respect for those who do that.
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  May God give you strength.
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  An example I think a spouse choosing to make the marriage sexless allows for
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  divorce but that does not mean a man or a woman in that situation must or even
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  should divorce Can they live in a sexless marriage and continue to be loving?
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  Can they deal with their sex drive and not end up in porn or the arms of another person?
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  If you doubt you can avoid temptation then divorce may be necessary I would
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  suggest you get help talking through these things but ultimately you have to
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  make the choice and you have to live with that choice.
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  So now ultimatums. I find ultimatum an ugly word because issuing one always
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  causes pain and turmoil.
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  But long term, it can be a merciful option.
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  I think an ultimatum should usually be given before filing for divorce with
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  significant abuse being the exception.
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  But there are other ways to use ultimatums. Divorce is not the only consequence.
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  An ultimatum says, I am not playing your game anymore.
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  If you keep playing, here is what will happen. For an ultimatum to be effective,
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  your spouse has to believe you will follow through if they don't change.
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  If you have made and not held to an ultimatum in the past, you don't have that going for you.
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  Involving a third party might help in this case. An ultimatum should be simple and clear.
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  First, share what you expect and how long you will wait. Then explain what will
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  happen if what you expect does not occur.
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  An ultimatum should be presented in writing so there is no doubt about what
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  was said. You can give it verbally too, but written is a must.
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  Writing will protect you from your spouse lying to others about what you said.
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  It also forces you to be very careful, as the words can be used against you if you're unfair.
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  I strongly advise you to talk with someone before making an ultimatum,
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  in part to help you do it right, and also as a point of accountability.
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  A leader at church would be a good choice.
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  Give a reasonable amount of time and make working on it a reason to wait.
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  But don't let endless I'm working on it be used to get around the ultimatum.
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  Be all about doing your part and hearing what your spouse thinks you need to
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  do. But make it clear none of that changes what you have said.
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  As I said above, divorce is not the only possible consequence of an ultimatum.
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  I will move on with my life while continuing to live with you is a possibility.
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  Or you might say if you're not ready on time I will leave without you or it
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  could be dinner will be served at 6 if you're not here you're on your own or
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  as in the image when you throw a fit I will walk away.
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  Of course, doing these things is difficult. You will be met by anger and possibly threats.
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  You will probably be treated worse than usual and possibly lied about to friends.
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  Expect this and see it as part of the process.
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  Change, if it happens, will come after the attempts to get you to back down, fail.
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  Stand firm. You are fighting for the health or survival of your marriage.
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  This is Paul, and sometimes doing marriage well is painful.