Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 122. Is It Normal to Overthink a Good Thing?! I’m stuck in 2 minds, HELP!

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122. Is It Normal to Overthink a Good Thing?! I’m stuck in 2 minds, HELP! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay what happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
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  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment, Girl, this is the place
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  Speaker 2: for you.
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  Speaker 3: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises with your
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  Speaker 3: favorite co hosts.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Ashi and Tiana. We've got another best segment. Will you,
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: guys write in your anonymous submissions sticky situations, stories or
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: something that you just want an outside perspective. Maybe it's
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  Speaker 1: something really private and you don't want everyone knowing your business,
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  Speaker 1: so you haven't told your friends and family, but you're
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  Speaker 1: feeling really lonely in it. This is where we will
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  Speaker 1: give you our unfiltered, raw, honest advice, just as we
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  Speaker 1: would together as best friends. Yeah, so sit back, relax,
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  Speaker 1: and get comfy, and let's get straight into it.
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  Speaker 2: Take it away, all right?
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  Speaker 1: Today's submission is as I'm writing this, it seems more
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  Speaker 1: real and like I'm saying it out loud. I never
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: thought I would be one of those women coming in
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  Speaker 1: here to ask or say this. My partner and I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: have been together for five years. In the past two years,
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  Speaker 1: I found myself questioning whether he is the one I
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  Speaker 1: think after listening to this podcast and having people ask
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  Speaker 1: me if I will marry him. It got me thinking
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  Speaker 1: he's my first partner. He is kind, patient, caring and funny.
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  Speaker 1: He loves me for me. Honestly, I don't think I
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  Speaker 1: could ever be with a guy who has such good traits.
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  Speaker 1: But he sometimes just annoys me so much, and some
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  Speaker 1: days I'm like, ah, do I want that?
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  Speaker 3: Like?
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes emotionally the conversations are so silly. Although we can
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  Speaker 1: still go deep, I find when he has a couple
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  Speaker 1: of beers he just raves on and on and it
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  Speaker 1: really annoys me. He was a heavy bonk smoker for
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  Speaker 1: seven years and has finally stopped, which I'm so thankful
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  Speaker 1: for because when he did that. When he did smoke,
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  Speaker 1: he was so dopey and I just would get so annoyed.
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  Speaker 1: So he quit due to starting a new job. But
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  Speaker 1: after work he has three to four beers of an AVO,
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  Speaker 1: gets tired and raves in silly and I find myself
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  Speaker 1: going to bed annoyed most nights. I can't pinpoint sometimes
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  Speaker 1: why I question if I want to marry him. I
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  Speaker 1: think maybe the drugs in our annoyed me too much.
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  Speaker 3: When we first got.
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  Speaker 1: Together, he didn't have much money, and now he's gotten
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  Speaker 1: a great job that I applied for and does have
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  Speaker 1: some savings. Now he's quit smoking, so he's listening and
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  Speaker 1: doing all the things for me. But when I'm alone
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  Speaker 1: in my thoughts or listening to this relationship podcast, I'm like,
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  Speaker 1: m but is he for me? Do you have any
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  Speaker 1: tips or tricks? I feel like I could never leave him,
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  Speaker 1: and the thought of that actually makes me sick. But
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  Speaker 1: sometimes when he annoys me, I think, for fuck's sake,
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  Speaker 1: I could leave now and not even feel sad about it.
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  Speaker 1: But I say that in the moment. But now I've
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  Speaker 1: been living together for a year and I love our life,
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  Speaker 1: our adventures and all of our special interests, and I'm happy.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes I think too much. And if there wasn't
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  Speaker 1: his pressure from the outsiders, I don't think I would
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  Speaker 1: think about it too much, or would I. He never
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  Speaker 1: gets angry at me, he loves my body, he's respectful.
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  Speaker 1: What do you think if I'm questioning it? Does that
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  Speaker 1: mean I know he's not the one? But today, after
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  Speaker 1: he got me flowers for having a tough week at work,
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  Speaker 1: I thought, yes, I could marry him. Don't need to
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  Speaker 1: do some work around negative self talk and self sabotage. Ah,
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  Speaker 1: tell me, Like I said, if I was to leave,
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  Speaker 1: I don't think I could. I couldn't bring myself to
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  Speaker 1: do it. And genuinely, I don't think I can not
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  Speaker 1: see him in my life.
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  Speaker 2: That's a big one.
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  Speaker 1: It is a big one.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot there in that story.
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  Speaker 1: There really is. I think alcohol is a big problem
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  Speaker 1: in this dynamic. If he didn't drink, she wouldn't be
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  Speaker 1: gett annoyed and triggered, and he would just be his
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  Speaker 1: authentic self. When he's drinking, it's like that alter eu
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  Speaker 1: comes out and it just turns silly in like this
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  Speaker 1: little little boy energy.
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  Speaker 3: And sometimes when someone's choosing something, you can't isolate that
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  Speaker 3: one thing because it's like, well, they're choosing to do
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  Speaker 3: that behavior, which impacts how they show up in the
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  Speaker 3: entire relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm curious have you spoken to him about
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  Speaker 1: how you feel when he drinks, because there's nothing in
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  Speaker 1: there that you like. He gave up the bongs, but
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  Speaker 1: now he's replaced out with the drinking. Have you said,
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  Speaker 1: when you drink it makes me feel xyz? Then I
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  Speaker 1: feel disconnected that I'm annoyed. Then I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: have sex with you, like it's this role on effect.
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  Speaker 1: Is that a conversation that you've had and if not,
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  Speaker 1: I would be having that and see if he's willing
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  Speaker 1: to maybe give up the alcohol as well, and see
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  Speaker 1: if that improves your relationship, your dynamic, and your connection.
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  Speaker 1: Then you could see more clearly.
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  Speaker 3: It's important to have that conversation as well around what
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  Speaker 3: your standards and boundaries are within the relationship because if
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  Speaker 3: you are kind of just like letting it happen and
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  Speaker 3: you're building resentment behind closed doors, naturally a relationship isn't
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  Speaker 3: going to end up quite strong in the way that
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  Speaker 3: you want it to, you know, because you're going to
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  Speaker 3: be resentful for him for doing something that he doesn't
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  Speaker 3: even know that you're upset about, Lily. But then if
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  Speaker 3: you voice your standards and boundaries, Hey, this is like
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  Speaker 3: a non negotiable for me in this relationship that in
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  Speaker 3: order to stay connected, feel connected, trust you, love you,
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  Speaker 3: and to be able to build something together, then it's
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  Speaker 3: going to require this this and this is actually not
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  Speaker 3: what I see as a part of my future for
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  Speaker 3: me and my relationship. Yeah, I think that's important conversation
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  Speaker 3: I have.
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  Speaker 1: I definitely the end, he's not a mind reader. If
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  Speaker 1: you communicated with him how that are call is making
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  Speaker 1: you feel, and how he behaves, And just because he's
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  Speaker 1: not abusive or angry or anything like that, it can
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  Speaker 1: still not be aligned with you if it's affecting your
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  Speaker 1: connection and how you feel day to day. And this
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  Speaker 1: isn't just on a Friday night, Yeah, this is like
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  Speaker 1: every single day. So maybe that's the conversation of like, hey,
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  Speaker 1: if you want to have a couple of drinks, maybe
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  Speaker 1: go the boys and have some fun, but like day
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  Speaker 1: to day, the kind of life I want to live
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  Speaker 1: is like this.
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  Speaker 3: And the deeper question that I would ask is like,
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  Speaker 3: is it the surface level thing of the drinking in
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  Speaker 3: the bongs or is it like something deeper?
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  Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean? Like, is that the
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  Speaker 2: surface level thing?
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  Speaker 3: Is that the thing that really annoys you and you
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  Speaker 3: genuinely feel like I'm solid in this relationship or is
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  Speaker 3: that the surface level thing that triggers you and annoys
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  Speaker 3: you because you're like one hundred percent not in it.
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  Speaker 3: Just because you question something doesn't mean they're not the
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  Speaker 3: right one. We all have doubts about everything that we do,
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  Speaker 3: but that's only something that you know and feel when
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  Speaker 3: you listen to that inn a pool, because like your
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  Speaker 3: internal compass will tell you whether this is your person
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  Speaker 3: or not. And sometimes we can look at the little
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  Speaker 3: things on top and be like, oh, it's annoying and
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  Speaker 3: this and that, but yeah, deeper, Yeah, is it something deeper?
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  Speaker 1: I'm interesting. The one comment I could be reading into
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  Speaker 1: this so much how she said he's my first partner.
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  Speaker 1: Is there a little bit of like, oh, do I
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  Speaker 1: know what I want? Do I want to explore?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: There could be something in that, But I also could
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  Speaker 1: be reading into it, yeah, like have I lived? Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: like I'm so glad. I've had a couple of different
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  Speaker 1: partners and different relationships. Know what I like and what
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  Speaker 1: I don't like and or feels good. Whereas for her,
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  Speaker 1: she's got no comparison, Not that you want to compare
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  Speaker 1: your partners.
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  Speaker 2: But no, one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 3: Though she doesn't have any context, she's never had any
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  Speaker 3: other experience outside of what she's experiencing now. And not
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  Speaker 3: to say that there's nothing wrong with that. He sounds
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  Speaker 3: like a beautiful man. Yeah, to give up the bongs.
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  Speaker 3: He buys the flowers after a tough week. He listens,
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  Speaker 3: he respects her, he loves her, he's kind, he's funny.
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  Speaker 3: Like it sounds like he's got a lot of beautiful traits,
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  Speaker 3: which she acknowledged and said. The fact she said, if
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  Speaker 3: I was to go like it makes me feel sick.
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  Speaker 3: I think that really shows how much she cares for him.
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  Speaker 1: When a girl is not feeling and she's numbed out,
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  Speaker 1: she's gone, she's gone six months ago.
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  Speaker 3: But then it's conflicting as well, because she also said
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  Speaker 3: I could leave and I wouldn't feel that.
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  Speaker 1: That's in the moment. I remember how we always say
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  Speaker 1: you can feel something in the moment, it doesn't have
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  Speaker 1: to mean anything.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
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  Speaker 1: I think in the moment where she's triggered by the
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  Speaker 1: alcohol and it's being annoying, I get annoying people drink
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  Speaker 1: around me, it's like, ah, it's not the same person.
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  Speaker 2: That's true, you know.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, especially when you're not a drinker yourself, you're really
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  Speaker 1: on a different vibration, You're on a different wavelength, You're
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  Speaker 1: on a different energy.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Who they are when they're drinking also comes into everyday life.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, know, though, I feel like some people are just
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  Speaker 1: so different when they drink, but day to day they're incredible.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
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  Speaker 1: I don't see it blending in. I see it quite separated. Actually,
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  Speaker 1: But then how you do anything is how you do everything.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I see how when they're so good like this,
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  Speaker 3: but then that twenty percent kind of hinders the eighty
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  Speaker 3: percent where they're good because you're like, well, yeah, this
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  Speaker 3: is amazing this much. But then you're also doing this
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  Speaker 3: as well, and then it kind of impacts trust, and
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  Speaker 3: then it impacts connection. Then it impacts the good things
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  Speaker 3: and all the good traits and if that becomes your
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  Speaker 3: main focus. And she's frustrated right now because it is
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  Speaker 3: the thing that's annoying her the most. She's not really
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  Speaker 3: able to see all the good stuff as much.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, you know, it sounds amazing, like you
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  Speaker 1: can have this conversation with He's proven he can give
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  Speaker 1: off on something he's addicted to out the bombs, so
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  Speaker 1: it's more than capable. I'd be having that conversation around
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  Speaker 1: like a row, Like I didn't think this is bothering
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  Speaker 1: me that much, but it really is. And I just
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  Speaker 1: don't feel like it's aligned with me. And when you
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: do drink, I don't feel as connected, and I kind
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  Speaker 1: of find myself pulling away and being annoyed, and I
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  Speaker 1: don't want that disconnection between us is something that you'd
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: be willing to try for three months of not drinking
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  Speaker 1: and we see if it improves how I'm feeling in
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  Speaker 1: our relationships because you're so important to me. I want
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: this to work, but I can't see this working long
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  Speaker 1: term if we were to continue like.
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  Speaker 3: This, that's a beautiful way to look at you know, Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: that's a beautiful.
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  Speaker 1: I reassure him that you're not leaving, like I want
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  Speaker 1: to stay here. I want to be here, But if
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  Speaker 1: I think about myself in five years, I don't think
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  Speaker 1: I could keep being annoyed at you. Every time you
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: dream it's going to wear thin, overtime put up with
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  Speaker 1: it's so much, it's like a boiling kettle like gets
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: hotter and hotter, and then the lid comes off and
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  Speaker 1: it's like, oh yeah, I'm done.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And even getting clear on what your relationship in
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  Speaker 3: five years time you want it to look, like, show
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: him the vision of what that looks like for you both,
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: and like what actually said, Like it's really beautiful that
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: he has a lot of evidence that he can overcome
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  Speaker 3: and he's willing.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's a good thing too.
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  Speaker 1: Is really you can ask for a human.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, willing to grow, willing to change, willing to overcome
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: like the addictions, like what you were saying.
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  Speaker 2: So that's a really good sign.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's important to like kind of check all
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: the boxes first and make sure that you've tried everything
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: before you kind of go into the all do I
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  Speaker 3: want to leave things?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, In terms of.
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  Speaker 3: A self sabotage thing, it doesn't necessarily have to be
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  Speaker 3: self sabotaged. You could just be conflicted and that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean that you're self sabotaging. It means that
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  Speaker 3: there is something that your body and mind is trying
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  Speaker 3: to tell you that doesn't actually sit well with you.
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  Speaker 3: And that's something to pay attention to, not something to fear.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: No, that's so true. But would love an update. Yeah,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: give us an update if you're listening, go have that conversation.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, how you feel.
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  Speaker 1: Put some timelines in, like, hey, can we just try
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: this for three months yeap and see how it feels
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: like a trial and error. But if he's willing, that's
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: beautiful and he sounds like an amazing man, and it
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: sounds like you really care for him, So I think
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: this is worth trying anything for. I just think you
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: never want to walk away from a relationship until you've
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: tried absolutely everything. Yeah, are one hundred percent clear that
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: there's no other option. I would never leave relationship until
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: I've explored every avenue. So then when you walk away,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: there's no wondering, there's no regret, there's no what ifs.
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  Speaker 1: It's like I can confidently walk away knowing I tried
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: everything and that chapter had to be closed.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really important to get to that point because
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: then you know that you're not going to go back.
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  Speaker 2: You know that, Okay, have done everything that I kept
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: out yourself.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then you can cost fully as well, you know,
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  Speaker 3: human for you, Yeah, for both of you. And it
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: doesn't have to be something that ends badly. It's something
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: that can be amicable. Hey, I love you, I respect you.
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  Speaker 3: We've done everything that we can. I don't really think
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: there's anything more that we can do. And then you
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: move on or it works out and you guys live
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: heavily er after.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent. Yeah, that's our advice, but give us anupdate.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: We'd love to hear from you amazing.
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for writing this in And if
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: anybody has any more stories around this, or you've got
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: any relationship struggles that you're kind of dealing with and
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: you need some advice and best the advice you know,
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: you can bring it in.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: It can be anything too around friendship, relationships, body like
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: literally anything that's going on in your life. You just
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: want that best of advice.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: Bring it in.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: It's too much and the more context the better. We
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: do get some submissions, it's like two sentences like, we
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: can't give you advice out enough context and.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: More contracts you tell us the better. Yeah, thanks, all
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: right guys bye,