Latest / 🎙️ Rebuild & Fulfill Real conversations on burnout, rebuilding, and becoming stronger than before. / Jeannine Rashidi: Healing Trauma, Breaking Patterns & Choosing Yourself | Episode 44
Transcript
- Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): My guest today has said her ace score was 10 out of 10. She became a mother as a teenager, and later she began to see familiar patterns repeating in her life and relationships. That story eventually led to two TEDx talks, one about asking, why me? And the other one about choosing yourself. But what happened between living through those experiences and standing on a stage to talk about them? And what led her from simply surviving to not only understanding her story, but then deciding to share it. That's the conversation we're having today. Welcome to Rebuild and Fulfill, where we have honest conversations about what it takes to rebuild after hardship and move towards a more fulfilling life. I'm your host, Kelsey Dunbar, and today I'm joined by Jeannine Rashidi, a doctor of Ayurveda and two-time TEDx speaker. Her talks include how to stop asking "why me", and "In life, you pay the price anyway. Choose you." I want to hear the story behind those talks, what Jeannine experienced, how she began to understand the patterns in her life, and how that understanding grew into the work she does today. Jeannine, welcome to Rebuild and Fulfill. I am so happy for you to be here. Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Thanks, Kelsey. It's an honor to be here on your show. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Yeah, my pleasure. So you've spoken publicly about becoming a mother as a teenager and about experiences that shaped your early life. When you look back, where would you like to begin your story? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: I think actually starting at the beginning makes more sense since we're talking about patterns that repeat. so what I'll do is I'll keep it brief, but enough so that people understand. So I was born into a family that had an addiction problem, and it was a meth addiction, as well as alcohol. And that of course changed behaviors and led to lots of abuse every type. And so by the time I was fifteen years old, I was a straight A student with a dream of medical school, but school wasn't teaching me how to deal with what was going on at home. And so I thought, well, I'm just gonna leave and start my new life. No money. you know, so that kind of tells you where part of my mind was at as a fifteen year old, there was a lot of naivety. So I packed up my bags and I hitchhiked from Northern California to Southern California. And that just that experience alone was traumatizing. But what ended up happening was obviously I learned how to live on the streets because I didn't have any money and I was too young to work yet. And I fell in love with the first man who said, I love you, because here's a girl who just wants to be loved. And of course she's gonna believe a grown man. He's twice my age. So looking back, of course, typical daddy issues. And I believe him. What I don't realize at this point, and this is a pivotal moment, is that I'm literally running away from the exact thing I'm about to walk directly back into. My intention is to get away from that situation. So why do I walk directly into it? Because it's all I know. It's what's familiar. And until you have different experiences and you know something different, you're going to keep repeating that pattern, even if logically you know that that is going to create harm. So I enter into this tenure relationship, got pregnant when I was the first time I got pregnant I was fifteen, lost that pregnancy, then got pregnant again at sixteen, had her, had my second daughter by the time I was twenty. And I did legally marry him when I was seventeen, and there was a lot of trauma that ended up happening in that relationship. right now we're, you know, a lot of people are coming out on social media about their sexual assault. And so I did use the opportunity to express what happened to me during that time. I was sex trafficked from the age of 15 to 25, and those experiences obviously were very hard to overcome. and they there was a lot of shame behind it. And So from there, I I'm raising my daughters and I realize that they're now showing similar signs that are all too familiar. And Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Yeah. Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: I realize that the same thing that happened to me as a kid has now happened to my daughters with their biological father. And so now they're showing signs of every type of abuse. Well, here I am trying to leave him, but the challenge is he's not, he's letting me have both daughters at the same time because he knows I won't leave without. Both of them together, obviously. So it took a good six to nine months of planning and convincing him, No, I'm not leaving, I'm staying, until the day finally came. And that was a very, very traumatic day because I had, you know, the final backpack pack. Things were already missing out of the kids' room. I had them stored at my grandparents' house. He noticed that they were asleep with their shoes on, he kept taking them off, and I thought, well, I'm just gonna have to, you know, leave without any shoes. And Finally, the moment, you know, presented itself where it was time to leave and I, you know, managed to gr get the the girls in the car and he he was there at the at the door when I ran back up to get the final backpack. And so I had to just convince him, no, you know, I'm gonna go put take the girls to a babysitter, everything's gonna be fine, then we'll come back and we'll party. And I could tell he didn't believe me, but he didn't have any shoes on. So he said, Well I'll get my shoes. And I flew down those stairs, you know, literally on my butt. My eldest daughter, I gave her the signal because she knew do not unlock this door unless it's me or the police. So she unlocks the door. I put the van in reverse and I've got seven minutes to get to my grandparents' house because I know that he can run that fast to where they're at. So I call them ahead of time. Grandpa hands me a fistful of cash because I was waiting for my unemployment check that never came. And they let help me load up the back of the truck and and off or van and off I go. So where am I going at this point? Back home. I had to choose the lesser of two evils. And at this point, it was safer to go back home. Mom and dad were on a clean streak. So I'm rebuilding my life. decide to you know, go to a vocational school to get my massage certification. Never had a massage, but all I could think of is. I want to be able to raise my kids and then set my own hours. So I start creating my practice good by tension. And as I'm working with people, literally people are just starting to talk about their trauma. And I thought, well, who am I to help this person? Like if they knew what I've been through, I'm the least the person you would least expect to help. And yet people just felt safe and comfortable. So I thought, well, I need to educate myself more. And so I just start get started getting certified in all these different modalities. Well, I'm still, you know, trying to we're going into therapy, trying to get help from you know, my daughters and I, I'm still dating, and I'm noticing that I don't have a very good picker. Yes, the bar was set pretty low, but as far as who's I'm choos who I'm choosing as a partner, it does look like it's better than the first, but it still didn't feel like it was the right thing. There was always an an issue of some sort. So by my third marriage, so the second one wasn't bad, it was just that. he had too much on his plate with his kids, I had too much on mine. And once I recognized this isn't gonna work, we're actually making this worse for our children, we separated. So that was a healthier, you know, relationship. Well, by the time I entered my third relationship, what drew me in was he had all of this spiritual knowledge. And I didn't realize that that was a thing for me. And but that ended up Taking me into another 12-year dynamic that was incredibly unhealthy. In fact, a majority of what I talk about now about coming out of hiding is about how we have to, it's the belonging bargain. What we're willing to give up in order to belong. And what that relationship taught me was that I had to give up every aspect of who I was in order for the relationship to work. And because I had already grown up with such trauma, I like, I'm like, well, this is new. I don't know. I haven't tried this thing yet. Let me try, you know, all of that. Not to mention the sense of self, I don't believe ever fully developed because I learned that at such a young age. So I'm learning through experiences of, okay, I know I don't want that. I know not to do this, things like that. So by the time I file for divorce, I realized that I have way more work to do than I ever thought because of how deeply psychologically abusive that relationship was. And at the same time, I'm helping everyone else with their trauma. And now I'm feeling almost like an imposter. Like, yeah, you've done well, you've gone from you know the gutter to here, but yet there's still all of this work to do. And at some point I realized, wait a minute, if you have experiential knowledge. That's the highest form of knowledge. And so there's not a person that that comes to me that has a story that I can't sit with. You know, and and my experience as far as you know, sitting with therapists is that they kept referring me out because my story was too intense. So this is how I developed the adhere method because have coming from a PTSD background and flashbacks, I realized, you know, every time you tell your story, you're actually re traumatizing yourself. And if you have flashbacks, you're already reliving it. So why are you going to do that to yourself again? So I figured out how to create such a method that you don't actually have to retell it or relive it. We just have to find the parts of ourselves that have disconnected as a result of the trauma. Find them and bring them back home to the seat of consciousness, which is the heart center, which is coming back home. Because that's really what what has happened. Every moment that was too much for the psyche, the way we self-preserve is we disconnect or disassociate. But we don't go back and pick up those pieces of ourself. We just keep moving on. Then we have these behaviors that don't make sense because those aspects of us live in the subconscious. So that's where the the patterns are still coming in because that's all we know. There's no self trust because we've left parts of ourselves behind. So once I had the opportunity to write my book, Abundance Beyond Trauma, I realized I want a bigger stage. And TEDx was the only one I was aware of at the time. And when I finally landed my first TEDx talk, the how to stop asking, Why does this keep happening to me? Instead, we need to ask what patterns within you may be influencing what happens next? Because that reclaims your power. And once you reclaim your power, now you have choice. So I landed that talk, delivered it, and then got off that stage and within 30 days I had an invitation to come to another one. And you have to write a completely different talk. And that's when I realized it needed to be more about the things that we do in order to belong and how early we learn that. And for most of us, we actually learned it the moment we were born, because our first sense of home is in the womb. But then we are born, and how do we communicate our needs? We cry. And what does the nurse or the doctor or the caretaker say? Sure. Suppression. And we're all doing it, right? So if we're learning it that that early, the first sense of home becomes, I have to make everything outside of me happy in order to survive. And now we wonder why we're a society where people aren't showing emotions, people have all of these ego masks and things like that. Well, obviously, we're all just trying to be to belong and be loved. And so I feel like my mission is so Clear. We need to start working on first how are we hiding from ourselves? What do we truly feel? What do we truly think? Getting to know who we truly are. And then bringing that into relationships so that we have healthier relationship dynamics and we break those patterns. Because it's not just individuals or couples, it's as a society. It's the it's a human problem. So that was a long winded answer to your question. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): That's okay. I I feel like I just sat and and listened to one of your TEDx talks. so I I feel privileged. in writing your book, what did writing that book help you clarify about the work that you were doing and how you were gonna move forward? I mean, was that part of the process of writing the book was to get the clarity and and focus for your work? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Writing the book started out as a a way of coming back to myself. It was during COVID and I was still within that twelve year relationship dynamic in my third marriage. And it scared me to have to be home constantly like that. I was like, my God, I already struggle, you know, and with the ability to go to the office, but now I'm here and I'm like, I don't want to have to deal with that. So writing the book actually helped me come back to myself and remember all of the things I had gone through. That reminded me that Jeannine, you're a badass bitch and you don't need to put up with this anymore. But I had forgotten because I was willing to negate every aspect of self just to make the dynamic work. So it would through writing that is where I recognized the the hiding that I did, that recognizing we're all doing it, and also wanting to create something that people could read where they say, Wow, yes, I've experienced something similar and I need tools. So I created the I'm triggered pocket guide, which I wished I had for all of those experiences when I would get so intensely triggered. And how do you come back to presence, right? so I created a workbook that you know went along with it. And so part of it was to heal myself and to help others. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): that workbook that you're talking about, is that the H.O.M.E. workbook that I've researched? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: No, this is this is it's also called Abundance Beyond Trauma workbook. Yeah. Interesting that you say that though, because the next book is similar to what you just said. It's all about coming home. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Want you to tell us more about that while we're on the subject? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: So the sense of home, obviously with my story, you can see where running away at such a young age, not to mention because of my parents' addiction, we were always moving. So the sense of home was always broken up. Like, is this home? now we're moving. is this home? And then, you know, the experience of running away, living on the streets, multiple marriages, my sense of home didn't make sense. It was like, well, what is home? It seems like it's something that you don't stay with too long. And yet there are people that buy homes and stay in them. But then when I would meet these people that have what seems like the American dream and they're, you know, got everything, they're some of the most unhappy people. And I thought to myself, this home thing as far as a structure is just a structure where you reside, but that's not truly home. And the more work that I did, especially when I developed the adhere method of bringing all parts back home to self, I realized home's actually here. It has nothing to do with my title, it has nothing to do with any of my accomplishments, and it has nothing to do with where I reside. And it has everything to do with feeling aligned within self and that soul purpose. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Yeah. So we talked about your first TEDx talk and about the fact that you were asked to do another one. So I want to get into that one a little bit. So your first TEDx talk focused on noticing patterns, and then your second in life, you pay the price anyway, choose you, moves into choosing yourself. The idea you call the belonging bargain, trading parts of ourselves for acceptance or connection, seems to connect both of those talks. So what had become clearer between the first talk and the second one that led you to focus on that? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: what became clear was how much I landed within myself. And I can see it when I look at the two different talks. so as far as I I understand life so far, it's a continual learning, right? And so as I watch how I delivered my first TEDx talk, there was confidence, obviously. I knew what I was talking about, but I could see with my mannerisms all the way down to even my attire. That I was playing it safe. This is what everybody wants to see. This is how I should speak. So that it's more digestible. And by the time I worked with the second coach for this second talk, I decided I was no longer subscribing to what everyone else said I should or shouldn't do. I'm gonna speak it how I want to speak it, and I'm going to dress how I want to dress because there's a lot of At the time there was a lot of stigmatism around you know showing tattoos in a professional setting and things like that. And I'm like, but those tattoos have a story. They're actually a part of who I am. And so I'm not gonna hide. And so since the whole talk was literally about, you know, coming out of hiding by coming home to self, I was not gonna hide anymore. And so I can see the difference in how I arrived and showed up on the second stage. But yes, you're right. The two talks definitely. come together and now the breaking the belonging bargain conscious c coaching that I'm bringing actually combines the two of those together. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Okay, and and out of that, you have your home framework. So could Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Yes. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): you walk us through basically some of the the steps using an everyday situation as an example? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Yes, so HOME is an acronym. H is hide less. O is obey rules that you set. meet yourself, and E express. So the simplest one I can think of is when somebody asks, How are you doing? What is your natural response? Even if you're not okay, what do you naturally say? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Fine. Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Fine, I'm good. But you're really not. And that's something that we've just learned to do. And I always say, don't ask somebody unless you actually have the time and space to sit with them so they can tell you. And I often will ask again, are you sure? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Mm-hmm. Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Are you sure you're good? So that would be, you know, an obvious one I think everyone can relate with. What is the rule that we have subconsciously or unconsciously subscribed to that makes us say the thing that we think everybody wants to say? All in the name of belonging. So in order to belong, I'm going to obey this rule that I must have a happy face and say, I'm fine. Then people will like me and they will like they will accept me. But that's not a rule that you set, because if you really think about it, every time you swallow what you feel or you don't express it, it's actually doing something to your health. And so as you're suppressing and you're feeling that, you realize wait a minute, no. I should actually be able to say what I feel. So why don't we? So we need to look at all of those areas that we hide so that we can start obeying rules that we consciously set. And this is this naturally leads into meeting yourself. What do you actually feel? What do you truly want to say? Did you cry in your car this morning, but you don't feel safe enough to share that? Why? Does society say you're weak because you cry? We need to change that dynamic. But again, it the first step is don't hide from yourself. There's the step of not hiding from others that comes after you meet yourself. And meeting yourself includes the expression. What do you want to say? What are you actually feeling? What are you afraid will happen if you choose yourself? Because I can tell you from experience what happens when you don't choose yourself, you're paying the price anyway. You end up feeling like, who the heck am I? But when you do choose yourself, the right people start coming into your life. And yes, the people who basically, you know, got to know the version of you that was hiding, they may not be able to relate anymore. And so many relationships will either change or they will disappear. And it's all part of the journey. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Yeah. And for our audience here, I just want to say Jeannine puts out incredible content. So if you follow her on socials, she has all these little videos about hiding yourself and different ways of looking at that. And I find them not only entertaining, but extremely informative. And it's really helps you look within yourself to, wow, I guess I do do that. So I definitely recommend following her content. She's she's fantastic. So we've talked about the experiences and the ideas that shaped your work. I'd like to bring us back to the heart of Rebuild and Fulfill and the methodology we have behind this podcast. After Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Yes. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): everything you've after everything you've lived, learned, and built, what do the words rebuilding and fulfillment mean to you now? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Well, first all, I get goosebumps because for me, rebuilding has been incredibly hard work. However, it's been the most rewarding. Because you can't rebuild yourself on shaky ground. So every time what felt like life was crumbling, it was actually showing me where the foundation was not strong enough for the life that I wanted and knew was out there. may not have consciously known it, but a part of me knew it. So the rebuild part is where you literally choose yourself and you say, I am willing to put in the work so that I don't keep repeating these patterns or these sorts of people keep, you know, coming into my life or these situations. I'm going to rebuild and create a dynamic for my life that propels me forward for my sole purpose. And then what was the other word? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Fulfill. Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: Fulfill. Well, that's it right there. you live a fulfilled life. if somebody would have told me, even a couple years ago, Jeannine, you're gonna buy yourself a truck and a travel trailer and you're gonna, you know, drive around and explore the world and you're gonna live in it, I would have laughed. And yet this is my happy place. This is my my little, you know, creative zone. And I can't think of living any other way. It's also the first time I've ever lived alone. And I'm enjoying it so much, I'm like, I don't think I will ever change this. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Yeah. And your your choices are yours to have. And and I I love the fact that you're living that life now. And I would never want you to change who you are. I'm completely fascinated with your your story and the way that you carry yourself. So again, that's why I couldn't wait for the opportunity once we had met to get you on this podcast here. So listening to your story, I'm thinking about the difference between understanding how our past shaped us and blaming ourselves for what happened. Understanding a pattern doesn't erase what we went through, but it may give us more room to decide what we want to do next. So Jeannine, when someone hears part of their story in your story, what do you hope they remember as they think about what comes next? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: I want you to remember your brilliant adaptation for what you were adapting to in that situation versus the guilt of I did this. Because that's exactly what was happening. You were so brilliant that you knew if I do this, I will then survive this. That's a brilliant adaptation. That's where you get to honor the parts of yourselves that knew what to do. in order to survive. And now what you get to do is you get to look at that, you get to honor that, and then you get to ask, is that actually serving me anymore? Is my current life needing me to hide like that, to adapt like that? No. So now you know you have the tool, just put it in your toolbox. You can always pull it out when you absolutely need it, but you don't need that tool anymore in this current life that you're rebuilding as a fulfilled life. Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): Love that. So, Jeannine, thank you so much for trusting us with your story and for letting us follow the path from your early experiences to the work you've built and the ideas you've shared on now two TEDx stages. So I appreciate hearing those parts of your life connect and where your work is continuing to take you. But before we wrap up, what would you most like our listeners to know about your work or what you're focused on right now. where can they find you and where is there a resource or offering you'd especially like to point them toward? Jeannine Laurel Rashidi: So I would say visit my website GoodbyeTension, G-O-O-D, B-Y-E, T-E-N-S-I-O-N.com. And there are a couple free resources. One is the I'm Triggered Pocket Guide. You get a free clarity call with me to decide: is this the right dynamic to work with? And I'm about ready to launch my breaking the belonging bargain. app that can be used in tandem with the coaching that I do. So there'll be a quiz that you can take to look at, you know, what is your pattern and how did it come to be. And then there'll be a mini journey that you can take for eight days to see is this something I truly want to dive into. And then there's a bigger journey that involves working one-on-one and going through an 88-day process on where do you hide. Why do you hide and the patterns, the repatterning that it takes to change that? Kelsey Dunbar (Co-Founder): That sounds amazing. I can't look wait to look into that for myself. But to everyone listening, you don't have to solve everything today. Maybe just try and figure out where you're at, where you can move forward, where you can stop hiding, and notice the patterns that are happening in your own life. And that certainly is a great place to begin. If this conversation gave you something to think about, share it with someone who might also appreciate it. And follow Rebuild and Fulfill for more conversations about resilience, healing, and building a more fulfilling life. So Jeannine, again, thank you for joining me and thanks for all of you listening. As always, keep rebuilding, keep moving forward, and we will see you next time on Rebuild and Fulfill. Take care.