Latest / Sex Advice for Seniors Podcast / Getting Older Means Training Differently. It Doesn't Mean Giving Up.

Transcript

Getting Older Means Training Differently. It Doesn't Mean Giving Up. · Sex Advice for Seniors Podcast

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Intimacy doesn't have an age limit and Oh My Bod is redefining pleasure
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: with beautifully designed, tech-savvy wellness products.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Rediscover connection and confidence at ohmybod.com.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's O-H-M-I-B-O-D dot com.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, this is Suzanne,
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: and you are listening to Sex Advice for Seniors,
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: and perhaps you're watching as well.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so you can see I'm wearing my big red England shirt here in honor of the World Cup.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably going to come out way after that, though, but by which time we may have won.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Anything's possible or impossible when it comes to England, but you never know.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, it's kind of relevant that I'm wearing this shirt because today we're going
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: to be talking mainly about fitness and about how fitness relates to sex and having
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: a healthy sex life.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I go on a lot about lifestyle choices,
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: the lifestyle choices that people make, but it's such a big term.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that often when we hear the word Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm honored to be here.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so anyway,
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I want to know, really,
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: from what you've seen,
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: how does physical fitness improve or impact sexual performance and confidence in men
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: over 50?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think that...
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: To start is like, as a man, the physicality part is so important.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like your exercise.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so your whole system runs on like the same thing.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So if your body's working correctly, right,
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: which it needs to,
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: to be healthy and exercise,
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: then everything else,
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Downstream is going to probably start to work a little bit better.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so the thing where that I see the most with a lot of guys
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: and especially older guys is that their fitness is off.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so, well, how does that happen?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, fitness is kind of like compound interest.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: The earlier you do it and start, the better.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: But also it's the consistency of doing the thing that's going to compound the
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: And life does get crazy and everybody has different circumstances or situations
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: and things happen, which, you know, that's just part of life.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: But the truth is, start early and you have to be consistent.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know,
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: you find as you start to get your health back,
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: like, you know, those things start working better.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I'm a bit of a fitness person.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Behind this curtain, I've got weights and a bar and all sorts of stuff that you can't see there.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been doing it for a long time.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've now hurt my arm, so I can't do any weights.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I know that So as we get older, shit starts to happen to our body, right?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that the way probably that I worked out
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: when I was younger is way different than the way I work out now.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And what I've been told about how to work out now is much different
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: than what I was told when I was younger.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, now I've been told it's all about strength training.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about preventing osteoporosis.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about like The cardio is kind of like not irrelevant,
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: but not as fundamental to my fitness.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know that There's a lot of conflicting reports when it comes
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: to how older people should or shouldn't work out.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've certainly seen with some of my family members that they've gone extreme
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: on things that probably at their age they need to be a little bit more cautious
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: about.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see that as people get older, sure,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: of course,
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: remaining fit and healthy and exercising is really important,
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: but how does it change?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: When we get older.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, so the... What I see kind of...
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it depends.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: The sort of life cycle, let's say for guys, the trajectory that usually starts is...
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You start,
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: when you're maybe in high school and what are the things that you want when you're
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: in high school?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you want a six pack and you want your biceps, right?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And you want your chest to be bigger, which is normal, right?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so what do you first get into is bodybuilding.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: And bodybuilding is a very specific type of training because it's so isolated to the muscle.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you're just doing a lot of hypertrophy and You're growing the muscle.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so you get some size.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: What comes next?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you might get into some Olympic lifts or your power lifts.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: So you're going to get into your squat and your deadlift and your bench.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so then as you get into your high school,
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: college, it's like, oh, this guy's like, yo, what's your bench?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I squat.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I benched 225 for eight.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I maxed out.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, would you max?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I maxed out squat 315 or whatever.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so you start chasing the numbers.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I did the same thing.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot of fun, right?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so then at that point,
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: then you maybe get into like CrossFit or you get into just doing the things
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: and you're just crushing it, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're grinding, you're working.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then somewhere along the way, you might get an injury.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes those injuries are serious.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you hurt your back.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was a knee injury or whatever.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And now...
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Those guys that were once these straight gainers going hard,
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: now they become the functional guy.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm all about functional movement and I'm doing yoga and I'm stretching
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: and I just want mobility.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because now what happens, they had an injury that they related to doing X, Y, and Z, which...
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Also, pain is registered in the brain.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So now you associate that injury and now it starts to hurt because of how pain works
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: in the brain.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so then you kind of stay away from it, right?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then you realize like, uh-oh, what's going on here?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm losing like muscle mass, like got a gut, all this stuff.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then- You're just kind of scared and you don't know what to do.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: So you kind of see some guys walk around in the gym and they're like,
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: all right,
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to go to the light press machine and I'm going to go over and do a couple
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: of curls and everybody sits on the tricep extension.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so then they're not really on like any sort of program
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: and they're not really strength training.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so they just go back to kind of like some light bodybuilding and they're like,
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: oh, well, I'm not going to, I just want lower weight, higher reps.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's everybody, lower weight, higher reps.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: But strength, it's relative, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Something that's going to be heavy for me is going to be heavy for you.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's more about finding the hardest thing that you can do well, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because remember, the body needs stress.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: The body needs stimulus to create, to change.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so you don't want to continue to do the same thing and not push yourself, right?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And So then they start just to get, there's some sort of fear around it.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then because the time has passed so long, you become super deconditioned.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then as you start to do something,
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: it seems like, oh my God, this is a huge mountain to climb now.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I got to start from down here.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, I haven't squatted or, you know.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then it just kind of comes a lot.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it really becomes like a mental game, honestly.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: But the key is you just got to start.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And strength training is,
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Strength training is the rage right now,
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: but you never should have really stopped strength training.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: You just have to be a little bit smarter.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And the goal is exercise should give you energy.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: It should not take your energies.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And now, especially different if you're an athlete training, you got to push the envelope.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And even then, at the same time, we're not trying to be the best lifters as athletes.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: The goal is to perform in your sport.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: So again, it should give you energy.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: It should give you life.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess because of the whole HIIT and training,
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: it's like people think they should be walking away from their workouts like,
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: you know, their heart's beating out of their chest or sweating.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh my God, they never rest.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, they never rest.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I just don't subscribe to that.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And if you think about doing that all the time,
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: how sustainable is that before you get tired or your body breaks down
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: and you just do too much over a long period of time and then you break down?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: I do think that exercise should give you energy in a way that's like,
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I need this because this is going to improve my day.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and do you find that when men especially are training in the right way,
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: that it does help improve things like erectile dysfunction, libido?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see that there's a correlation between learning how to exercise properly
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: and also helping your sexual health and your sex life?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because a lot of that comes down to blood flow and testosterone and Exercise
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: and being healthy is going to improve those things, right?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: When you lift, blood goes into the muscle and expands.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you have an erection, it's blood flow.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And testosterone, when
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: you lift, it's
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: going
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: to be more testosterone.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: And now, of course, as you age, right, there's some things that it doesn't matter what you do.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: You can't fight it, right?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So that's just part of aging.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: But you can...
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: You can work with it.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where the consistency comes in.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you also can't neglect the fact that the other part
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: that people do sometimes forget is sometimes they think that just exercise
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: and that's going to fix everything.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to help, but you also have to look at your lifestyle.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Your nutrition,
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: like those things,
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: that's also stuff going into your body that your body's going
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: to react how it performs.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then let's not also get into what's going on up here.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is also a huge part.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of this stuff is going to shut down if up here,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: if you don't have any control over what's going on between the ears, right?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: If you're nervous or you have like performance anxiety or You know,
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: your lack of confidence and like most guys are going to feel more confident.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: One, if they're working on their body physically and like,
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: all right, yeah, I got some muscle here.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, all right, I'm getting back into it.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's the act of doing is going to give you more confidence.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so then that's also going to play into it too, right?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you have the ability to communicate and create connection too?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: All of those things kind of go into it.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard to say like one specific thing.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, completely.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I think often that's neglected when we talk about fitness.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: I had a trainer once and he said, look, if you're like really stressed out,
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You are not going to want to exercise.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain is going to be using up all that energy just to deal
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: with whatever shit is going on in your life.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's got no fuel left in the tank for exercise.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're really freaking out about something...
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do not think that you're kind of like pump it away by going to the gym
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: because you're just going to create more tension in your body and more,
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: you know, it's just going to become, it's just taking up too much energy.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: But say some guy comes to you,
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: and he's like 50 years old,
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: he's overweight, He hasn't looked at the gym in a decade.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he was a slim guy, but suddenly, like you said, he's developed this little punch.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's like going, where the hell did that come from?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I need to do something about that.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Where does he start?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that for me was when I got back into exercise,
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: that was the hardest thing was realizing I had two cesareans.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: They cut through my stomach muscles.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know,
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was like,
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: How do I even begin to get back into fitness when I feel so out of touch
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: with my body?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: can think of some clients that I've had that similar to that.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: The first place that I would question now, it also depends on like my relationship with them.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: If there's somebody that built a good rapport,
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: I could challenge a little bit harder,
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: but sometimes you got to build up that rapport in the beginning.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: But generally,
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: it's like the training,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: again, the training part, one foot in front of the other, just start.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Find something that's going to push their heart rate up a little bit.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to feel like they're in control.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, all right, I'm doing a good job.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing a good job.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: But again, it comes back to Are you going to be consistent?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, and so I,
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think in that case, yes,
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would get somebody like hire a coach,
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: hire me to, because the accountability part is huge.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of trainers do need to understand that like one information is
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: so readily available.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: So somebody could go in chat GPT and say, Hey, this is my situation.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 5'8", body fat is like 35%.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: You can chat GPT, all that stuff.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's going to spit out probably something that's like really close for you.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so you have to understand people are going to come to you to keep them accountable.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: So to also remember like, hey, I'm here to hold you accountable.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you hired me because you need help.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then also understand that what's going on outside in their life.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Are they stressed at home?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Are they stressed at work?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because that could also be Inhibiting them from staying accountable and going to the gym.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because once, like anything, like anything, the first week is easy.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: The first session is easy.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're fired
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: up to go.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, you know what?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get to it.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to rip five sessions this week.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: What about in three months?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: You can see them.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: How many days a week should I work out?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the answer is part-time commitment leads to part-time results.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I would say two to three times a week is a great place to start.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: But the real question is, what can you confidently commit to no matter what?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just where you start.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so Don't shoot for the top right away.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I would always start pretty easy to build some momentum.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: I think momentum with that is key.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I think answering your question,
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: how I would start with them is find something hard that they can do well, right?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because then it feels like they're challenged, but they're overcoming the challenge.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: And two, find something that's going to build momentum.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I think momentum is key.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's key in both ways.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: The...
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Getting back on the proper nutrition, changing the lifestyle, building the good habits.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: Momentum.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Build that.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: But it's also true in the other way, too.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: You skip one.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know,
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: have two beers and then two beers turns to three and you know how that road goes,
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: right?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Next thing you need three, three, four, and then four turns to eight.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: And next thing you know, it's all over from there, right?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: And now you're set back even more because the hangover, as you get older, it sits, you know.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so momentum could go in the other way too.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so you have to...
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Focus on building momentum positively and slowly start to make those changes.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: And also be okay with like, maybe that means you have to change.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're kind of leaving that person behind too that you once were.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that's okay.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're supposed to change.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And do you find that I certainly know that when I was working with different,
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've worked with different PTs over the years,
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they did kind of become my therapist.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: So do you find that men especially- All the time.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: All the time.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: And we're talking about Sex Advice for Seniors.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I wonder,
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: do men confide in you about some of the intimate issues that they're struggling
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: with?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: For example,
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: performance anxiety or- For example,
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: you know, ED, other things that are bothering them.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find that sometimes men use you as someone that they can confide in?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because being with a PT does become very personal.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: So specifically around that stuff, no.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I also think sometimes for men,
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: talking about that stuff to other men is a little bit uncomfortable.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, With other areas of their life,
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: maybe it's their relationship or work or any other domain, right?
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Those things do come up.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: And there are some pretty intimate conversations and information that is shared.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: But that gives me insight, which...
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Other areas are probably being affected, right?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I could probably,
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: not that I would always make an assumption,
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: but there is probably correlation in that.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I do run a men's group where it is more geared toward having conversations like that.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yes, those things do well, but different settings for men, like
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: In the gym, other people are around.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes as guys, you're thinking nobody can hear you, but you can hear you.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so you think the person in that room might be able to hear.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, I haven't had sex with my wife.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: You think that guys in the other room can hear you,
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: but everybody else has got their headphones in.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So really, nobody can hear anyway.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: But I think for guys,
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: it's just like a situational kind of, Yeah,
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: so tell me a bit about that and how that came about because it seems quite different
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: from the work that you're doing like on the fitness and performance coaching side.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah,
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: so that came about somebody had asked me to start it and then I kind of just took it
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: and ran with it.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then realized that there's so many different domains
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: that you don't really get maybe with some of your friends.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because those friendship conversations, maybe you really do think about them.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's very few of your friends that you're having deep, deep conversations with.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Some of them are just surface level conversations.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of conversations.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I do really think for men, it's about the space.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: We are here.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Men need to be like, you need to tell them exactly what we're doing.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, there can't be any gray area, right?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, listen, we are here to talk about this.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: So talk about it.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's cool.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: No judgment, no nothing.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's the type of space that That I tried to create is just like,
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: let guys be dudes and let's talk.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: But this is what we're talking about.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there's no judging.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then next thing you know, the conversation starts to flow.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: You start making jokes.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're laughing.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: But at the same time,
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: you are getting some of those things out where maybe you feel uncomfortable sharing
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: with friends.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can't say to your spouse or at work.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: It is designed to be able to be in that space to...
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: Talk about those things.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: We have different themes.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: Relationships is everybody's favorite topic.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Those sessions will go for three hours.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: People always talk about relationships.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Some of those things come up.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of it is sometimes with the guys who are married.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: There's so much going on with the kids.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't had sex in...
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's just so much other going on that it takes away from that and that stress.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there's this misconception around guys that they're ready to go
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: at any moment, which isn't true.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's true, probably most of the time, but not all of the time.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: Cause there's other stressors that you're like, I just,
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't feel like,
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: so like if you did say it, that's kind of like, you're kind of embarrassed.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're super embarrassed.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: But if, if your girl says that,
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: then it's almost like kind of, it's like, okay, you got to be in the mood.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: But if you don't have the space to talk about it or like get rid of that,
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: I feel shameful because of this, then Now that just keeps stacking up.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get further and further away from trying to have that conversation,
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: which then pushes you further and further away from being connected to your partner
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: when that could actually be an opportunity to create the connection.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then boom.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what are the ages in this group?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is it like a wide age spectrum?
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: So most of the guys are roughly around my age, that 28 to 35-ish range.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: We have some guys that hang around that are in their 40s.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: But I am trying to grow the group to be more diverse just
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: because I do think it'd be awesome to have a guy who...
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: Might be in his 60s, right?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Totally different perspective on life and relationship situation and stuff
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: that he's been through than,
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: you know, one of the youngest guys that has come through is in college, right?
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: Totally different time, totally different experiences.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I think as guys,
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: for sure,
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: like to rely on each other for that information and You know,
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: to be able to understand like from the older perspective,
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: like these are the things that I went through.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: This is how it helped.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is maybe not how it didn't serve me well.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that could provide information for like at the end of the day,
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: it's like trying to get men to be better men.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And do you, is this virtual, this group?
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I do do it virtually.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, right.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we meet Wednesdays at 7 p.m. Now, I'm in right outside of Philadelphia.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: So for UK time, that might be a little tough.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: But at the same time,
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: that doesn't mean if there was interest – I think all men could use this work
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: and it's not supposed to be like a therapist where we're going to sit and talk
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: about your childhood for nine hours.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: This has helped – To just create better men, have men lean into that masculine side of them.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: Masculine different than manliness.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: We're not trying to portray manliness in a way.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's all about masculinity.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's virtual.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: So it is flexible.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: It could be done at a different time.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: I could add another time.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's fascinating.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what's really interesting,
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: because I have had a guy on this program a while back,
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: this guy, Chris,
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: and he tried to start a men's group and he stopped actually,
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: done it for several years.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was slightly older men.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: And he found that the challenge of running this group was that a lot
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: of these men were very angry.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a lot of in this group,
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: there was a lot of anger specifically towards women,
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: to be honest, especially around expectations that they thought women had of them.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it started to get quite misogynistic, this group.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so he eventually let it go.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think if you can hold space for men to have To be able to share their thoughts
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: and feelings without it descending into that and for there to be a range of opinions
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: to hold it all together that potentially it can, I suspect, be transformational.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I know of other men's groups that go off on retreats together and things like this.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Primarily,
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: these things typically are The ones that I know are older men
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: that almost like mentor younger men because of the way that they're able
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: to bring their experience and all that they've learned throughout life into
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: the relationship that they build with these young men
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: to help them become more confident and resilient.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's great.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it would be great if you could find some older guys for your group
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: because it sounds like It would be a really interesting dynamic
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: to have what you've already created with those guys and then some older guys
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: who perhaps have got something different that they'd like to share.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's so much to unpack with that.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: The part about being misogynistic and having to be angry at women,
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: we definitely don't want that.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: When it comes to men and women,
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: both have their problems with the things which are going
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: to make maybe women aren't doing correctly enough
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: that men aren't doing correctly enough.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_01: But at the end of the day,
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think from the man's perspective, I would challenge a lot of the guys on this.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: The old story of the princess up in the castle.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's like everybody knows that story, right?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like for some reason, it just makes sense to everybody.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so every girl is the princess of the castle that wants to be saved by the knight
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: who goes through, right?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Who goes through fighting the dragon, almost dies, almost does this, almost does that, right?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: To prove that he's going to make the commitment to save her.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so for the guys, it's like, well, did you think it was going to be easy?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not going to be easy.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to suck.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's going to be hard.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: But seriously, and I think some guys think it's like, I don't know.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: And for girls,
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: sometimes their expectations are,
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: it's too much and maybe they are looking for somebody who makes a lot of money
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: in this.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: But like,
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: you have to understand like, okay,
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: if you're looking at from like a evolutionary biology standpoint,
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not an evolutionary biologist and I'm not an expert on it,
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: but like Just from some of the stuff that I've read,
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: it's like, well,
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: women are looking for security, safety,
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: and this because of if they get pregnant,
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: then they're kind of out of commission for it.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so like, okay,
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: when you look back at it,
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: it's like, okay, at least you can understand where it's coming from.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that's kind of where it's like, okay, I can work with that.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: You need to sort of understand it, but did you ever think it was going to be easy?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then also it's like, You've
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: got to be an open, honest person.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: I interviewed Dr. Jolie Hamilton the other week.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've met her before.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: She talks a lot about jealousy,
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: but one of the things she said that has really stuck with me
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody says they don't want any drama on a dating site, she swipes left.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because she's like, drama is part of human relationships.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict is part of human relationships.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to resolve conflict.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to deal with uncomfortable emotions.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to move beyond that.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: And to figure out how to resolve those differences, that's part of what makes us human.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's part of what makes relationships relationships.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want that stuff, Don't get involved with anybody.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but isn't that also what builds the connection too though?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like the friction and the tension and like all of it.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that's different than saying like if it's unsafe or unhealthy.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, of course.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's totally different.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: But there's going to be something about like going through the thing together
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: that is what builds the connection and the tightness in the relationship.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I also think like For men too,
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: it's like, that's how you build the intimacy with your partner.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a little bit different than maybe the way that you want it, right?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so, I mean,
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: that's something that I feel like I've learned as I've been in relationship
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: with my wife and just growing.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, Maybe when you're younger, you don't think about it that way.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: But as you're like, okay, how do we build more connection and intimacy and those things?
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think men are always seeking novelty in some sort of way, right?
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so, well,
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: if you've been with somebody for a long time,
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: you got to get a little creative on how to make things work.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: Things more novel, right?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: So that right there in itself is going to be work.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Esther Burrell says, distance breeds desire.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's what she says.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, yeah.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Distance breeds desire.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And we have to retain some element of mystery in ourselves to be able to create
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: the attractiveness, the I think, you know, what's...
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: What's really fascinating is the way that you've been able to combine this interest
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: in physical fitness,
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: nutrition,
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: healthy lifestyle with this kind of more healthy mind side of things through
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: the men's group and through trying to build the connections in that way.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: To be honest, I've never seen anyone that's tried to cover off both spaces.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: That can be quite a big challenge.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you said, you're not a therapist.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I suppose,
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: my final question,
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: I guess,
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: would be like,
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: if someone was starting again,
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: what would be their first step towards improving their fitness,
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: both from and towards their sex life as well?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well...
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: The first place for your fitness,
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: I would say, is if you're having a hard time, the first, well, ask for help.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think in both cases, sex life, fitness, ask for help.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a coach, so I'm a big believer in coaching.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: But if you were an athlete,
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: say you're a soccer player and you were having a hard time, what would you do?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_01: You would ask one of your coaches,
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_01: hey, coach, how do I get better at making this pass or something?
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think it goes for the same thing.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you're having trouble with your sex life or maybe you're single
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: and you're not getting any dates, that means maybe you're not having any sex.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: There's probably plenty of dating coaches out there that's going
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: to help you feel more confident in approaching women or Something like that.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or there's plenty of coaches that work with you and your partner to create more intimacy.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_01: And same thing, there's plenty of personal trainers out there to help you.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: So just ask for help and get coaching.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then, again, that's going to build momentum.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: You're going to learn more.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then go practice it.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only way to get...
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: So my advice would be like, go ask for help.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that's like, okay.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then keep practicing.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think the thing is as well with anything,
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: going to ask for help,
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think is always sometimes the hardest step, but once you've done it, it's great.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: And make sure that the person that you find that is somebody
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: that you feel comfortable with, right?
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask your friends.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask your friends for help.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_01: No, I actually, I'm a big believer in that.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask your friends.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like I love my friends and I love my friends,
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: but they're going to give you advice based off of how they already see you, right?
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas like a coach,
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: you know,
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: So already,
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: because of your friends,
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: there's already some sort of built-up conflict of interest or bias in some sort
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: of way.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I would ask, at least in the times I've gotten coaching, always way better.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: I perform better in front of a coach who doesn't know me.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because then I, in my own mind, don't have any...
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: I guess preconceived thoughts of like how this person's viewing me.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: They don't know me.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to try and get you some older guys for your men's group.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, bring the old guys to the group.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: We got questions for the old guys, right?
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: As long as they're open to answering them.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've got most of my audience is in the States.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: So to be honest,
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's probably,
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't be surprised if a few people contact you and say,
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: yeah, I'd be quite curious to hear what you're doing.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because for me,
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a real gap in the market with really good men's group
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: where people can be honest and where you've got that intergenerational approach
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: as well,
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: where you can have younger people and older people in meeting with that sort
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: of frequency.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as you said, and I think it's the takeaway from this is, Just be consistent.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you're going to turn up in a men's group, turn up every fucking week.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're going to commit to your fitness two to three times a week, don't go crazy.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just be consistent.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you said it right there.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: For the men, it's body, mind, spirit.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: And we try to bring all that in the different themes that we have each month.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: If you're enjoying this conversation,
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: you'll find more stories, resources, and advice
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: waiting for you.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: Come and explore our community at my website, sexadviceforseniors.com.