Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / What if Middle Ground Thinking is Understanding Harm, Not Staying Neutral? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: I'm not gonna lie. This episode might feel like I'm a camp counselor laying out the rules and everyone's just nodding along like, yeah, yeah, we get it. But stay with me because I think this matters. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. And before we go further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. What if ground isn't about staying neutral, but about knowing exactly where the line is? because the world feels heavy right now. Dark, confusing, if I'm being honest, overwhelming. When everything feels extreme, anything that isn't loud or rigid gets misunderstood. ⁓ people start to assume ⁓ that if you're fully on one you must not stand for at all. ⁓ Like avoiding conflict. You're trying to keep the And I get why it looks that way, but that's not what I mean. ⁓ can take my time to understand something ⁓ still be very clear about where I stand. ⁓ can hear someone out and still say no. ⁓ I can hold context without lowering my standard. And yes, I have non-negotiables. Not everything is for debate. Not everything needs to be understood into acceptance. And I want to be clear about what that looks like for me. ⁓ Not just in theory, but in how I show up ⁓ When I share personal stories, I'm not going to use names. the story is negative. Sometimes I'll use a different name, sometimes I'll just say the role they had in my life because my goal isn't to expose people. It's to share my experience. And understand what sharing is my perspective, not the full story. ⁓ ⁓ I don't what's happening inside someone else's head at the time. ⁓ And that to me. ⁓ I'm also here to attack people. ⁓ I'm here talk about behaviors, patterns, and impact. because once we start reducing people down to one moment, we lose the ability to have a real conversation. We lose nuance, we lose context, and honestly, we lose each other. plan on talking about things going on in the world, ⁓ I'm not interested in tearing people down. ⁓ I'm interested in examining ideas. ⁓ And are moments where I will say crosses a line, this causes harm. And for me, ⁓ that's just not something I'm willing to meet in the middle on. And I also to say this clearly. I'm going to get things wrong sometimes. I'm human. When I do, ⁓ I plan to acknowledge it, apologize, And I will be clear about how I plan to move forward ⁓ because accountability just saying sorry or grand speeches. ⁓ It's about ⁓ I'm still ⁓ ⁓ I'm figuring out how to different people, different perspective, different communities. But goal here is connection, Not control, not performance, ⁓ And the reason I'm so intentional about all this, the reason I think about harm, accountability, boundaries, the way I do comes from the work I've done and what I've seen over time. My background is in behavior therapy. For 11 years, I've worked with children, vulnerable kids. And one of the biggest things that shaped how I think is this. Behavior doesn't make sense until the person does. hurt people, hurt people, that's real. But understanding where something comes from doesn't accepting the outcome. And I think that's where people get stuck. They hear understanding and assume it means agreement. ⁓ It doesn't. ⁓ I want to be honest ⁓ I didn't always think the way I do now. used to believe it was normal, even for parents to vent about their kids openly to share their struggles, ⁓ to do what felt like ⁓ what's best for the family. even if that meant overriding the But I see that differently Parents hold power. shape their children's social, ⁓ and mental futures. ⁓ They influence how others treat their children. ⁓ That's small. ⁓ And that of power comes with responsibility. ⁓ I also used to think it was funny to make fun of we even at their expense because ⁓ that's what was taught. That's what I thought love was, ⁓ but I've that because if the person on the receiving end ⁓ isn't laughing, not connection. That's harm. and I used to think it was important to the toxic person in the group ⁓ to figure out who the problem was. ⁓ Now I look at else. ⁓ Patterns, ⁓ not bad days, mistakes. patterns. do they repair? they take accountability? ⁓ because that's what tells you something. ⁓ And honestly, communities that need a villain to function, ⁓ they don't stay ⁓ because that role just gets reassigned. communities Parents are often grieving their own while raising children. And that matters to me. ⁓ You were not too much. You were not too You were not dramatic. You were a child. But adulthood comes with the shift. ⁓ We become responsible for how we handle what we carry. Our emotions are not our children's job to manage. We are here to build their foundation, not place weight on it. ⁓ Trauma can explain ⁓ it doesn't remove responsibility for impact. ⁓ if I hurt my child, don't explain it away. ⁓ I don't rewrite the story to make myself comfortable. address it. I repair it. ⁓ And I try to do better next ⁓ because that's job. ⁓ ⁓ this way thinking breaks down ⁓ when it ⁓ into over ⁓ when people in harmful dynamics thinking if I just love them enough they'll change ⁓ if just explain better they'll understand ⁓ if I help them who will ⁓ and if just stay a little longer Three, two, one. That's not balance. That's losing yourself. And I say that carefully because I've been there, ⁓ not always a dramatic way or an obvious way. ⁓ Sometimes it small ways, quiet ways, ⁓ ways that like over explaining, over adjusting, over giving, ⁓ ⁓ trying make something work that keeps me shrink ⁓ boundaries what keep you intact ⁓ Without them, you disappear a little a time. ⁓ ⁓ And other start deciding you ⁓ have a role too. We should be able to say when something isn't okay, ⁓ but we have to destroy someone to hold them accountable. ⁓ You address behavior without erasing someone's humanity. ⁓ And is where I want to be really honest. ⁓ I been harmed by people who had power ⁓ and have seen how easy it is for harm to get minimized, explained away ⁓ or ⁓ And also had to face some uncomfortable truths. Pain doesn't make me incapable of causing harm. If anything, it means I have to be more aware of it. ⁓ when don't examine patterns, we repeat them ⁓ ⁓ without even it. ⁓ ⁓ So I had to learn how to accountability, how to repair, how sit the discomfort of knowing I did not handle that well ⁓ collapsing into shame. or avoiding it completely. That's why this matters to me. Not because I think I have it all figured out, but because I've seen what happens when people avoid responsibility. And I've seen what changes when they don't. So, where is the line? For me? It's here. Harm. coercion, exploitation, abuse, dehumanization, humiliation used as control, power without accountability. This isn't about sitting in the middle of everything. It's about being intentional, understanding complexity while still knowing when something crosses the line. I don't need everyone to agree with me, but complexity doesn't mean everything goes. was never about standing in between sides. ⁓ It's about knowing you stand ⁓ and standing there ⁓ on purpose.