Latest / Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia. / Loving Someone Who Won’t Heal: Gaslighting, Stonewalling & Emotional Unavailability

Transcript

Loving Someone Who Won’t Heal: Gaslighting, Stonewalling & Emotional Unavailability · Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

• 0:01
  Dora: Hola, hola mi gente hermosa.
• 0:04
  Dora: Welcome back to IMIHITA, Embrace Your Races, Reclaim Your Essentia.
• 0:09
  Dora: I'm your host, Doralicia Praxedis.
• 0:12
  Dora: And today we're talking about something that is deeply painful, deeply confusing, and honestly, something many of us were never taught how to navigate.
• 0:25
  Dora: What happens when you love someone who refuses to do the work, like that inner work?
• 0:32
  Dora: What happens when they shut down?
• 0:35
  Dora: Or they stonewall, like don't even talk to you for days?
• 0:39
  Dora: They gaslight you into thinking that you're the right you're the one that's not right.
• 0:44
  Dora: They shame you, or even more, they victim shame you.
• 0:49
  Dora: Or they make you feel like you're the problem.
• 0:52
  Dora: And no matter how many times you say, maybe we should talk to someone, their response is, I don't need therapy.
• 1:00
  Dora: Or worse, you are the problem.
• 1:04
  Dora: I'm hijita.
• 1:05
  Dora: This episode is about navigating emotional unavailability, gaslighting, stonewalling, and protecting your mental and emotional sanity when someone refuses professional help.
• 1:17
  Dora: Because here's the truth: you cannot heal someone who refuses to see themselves.
• 1:26
  Dora: But you can learn how to protect yourself.
• 1:30
  Dora: And today we're going to dive in, dive deep, and talk about what that emotional unavailability looks like.
• 1:38
  Dora: Manipulation tactics like gaslighting and victim shaming, why people refuse help, the toll this takes on your nervous system, and how to protect your peace without losing yourself.
• 1:55
  Dora: Most importantly is how to stop abandoning yourself just to keep someone comfortable.
• 2:01
  Dora: So all these things and more.
• 2:02
  Dora: And of course, I'll relay and weave in my personal anecdotes, stories, things that come up, you know, especially as a first gen um Latina here in the beautiful USA.
• 2:15
  Dora: And so grab your beverage of choice, sit, sit back, relax, and enjoy this episode.
• 2:35
  Dora: Many people think emotional availability means someone who doesn't talk about feelings.
• 2:41
  Dora: But it it's deeper than that.
• 2:44
  Dora: Emotional availability can look like shutting down during a conflict.
• 2:49
  Dora: Like you're talking and you're going through the motions, and all of a sudden they just pause and just zone out.
• 2:56
  Dora: And that definitely has happened to me in the past, where my go-to is just crying.
• 3:02
  Dora: Like I just shut down.
• 3:03
  Dora: I can't, I couldn't think, I couldn't, nothing when I would have a conversation with the loved one.
• 3:09
  Dora: And I would just cry unconsolably because I don't know, that was my my mechanism for protection at the time.
• 3:16
  Dora: Another way this could look like is refusing to take accountability.
• 3:21
  Dora: And this was a tough one because when people can't take their own shit or their into their own responsibility, that is very frustrating because they're not owning up to whatever it is that they are or not doing, right?
• 3:38
  Dora: And that has become very frustrating for me on the personal side when someone is unavailable in that way.
• 3:47
  Dora: Another way this can show up is minimizing your feelings, like making you think, oh, yeah, um your feelings don't count, or you're just being too sensitive, or you know, just all the works.
• 4:00
  Dora: They can also make jokes when things get serious.
• 4:03
  Dora: Like I use comic relief at times when things get really tense, but this looks a little different.
• 4:09
  Dora: It's like making the sarcasm, jokes, or like in a way, in a sense, kind of like belittling or condescending tone, that's where things get a little heated when that person, that's where that person is emotionally unavailable.
• 4:28
  Dora: It's also like avoiding hard conversations, and that's me for sure, because I sometimes, in order to like avoid that the conversations, I rather just be passive at times because having a conversation is hard, like it's difficult, challenging, like you don't know what you're gonna get.
• 4:46
  Dora: Sometimes the other person can become super emotionally charged with being angry, and that's where I just try to avoid it altogether sometimes.
• 4:56
  Dora: And the other way it could happen also is pretending like nothing happened.
• 5:00
  Dora: And I grew up in a household where we grew well, we would wake up the next day and pretend like nothing happened, you know?
• 5:08
  Dora: Like I wasn't a total bitch to you yesterday, or I didn't say anything to you, like those words or those hurtful things.
• 5:14
  Dora: And of course, those things do happen and they do go in the memory, but I don't know why.
• 5:20
  Dora: Sometimes we just wake up, oh, we pretend like ooh, we're all good, nothing, nothing transpired yesterday.
• 5:27
  Dora: So you might say, you know, things like that hurt me, and again, they might respond something to the fact of you're too sensitive, or you're overreacting, you're just why do you always have to start drama?
• 5:41
  Dora: So all these things, what happens?
• 5:45
  Dora: Your brain starts questioning itself.
• 5:48
  Dora: You begin thinking, maybe I am too sensitive, or maybe I'm overreacting.
• 5:55
  Dora: Maybe I should just let it go, you know, like the song, like the frozen song, let it go, let it go.
• 6:01
  Dora: But here's the truth healthy relationships allow emotional expression.
• 6:07
  Dora: And I actually re-recorded this section because I said expansion instead of expression.
• 6:12
  Dora: But I think I believe in that expansion part.
• 6:15
  Dora: It's time for growth.
• 6:17
  Dora: So it shouldn't be a punishment for having feelings.
• 6:20
  Dora: We should probably have that emotional intelligence, right?
• 6:24
  Dora: To talk openly about how we're feeling, even if we are angry at the person, frustrated and stuff, we should just be able to vent it out in a healthy way.
• 6:32
  Dora: But oftentimes we're not taught how to do that, or we don't have the space to actually have that happen.
• 6:38
  Dora: But in all transparency, we can feel that angry, the sadness, the joy, the, you know, the gratitude, the everything all at once.
• 6:48
  Dora: Because trust me, I've been going through it this week.
• 6:51
  Dora: And I've had multiple cries, even today, now that I'm recording this episode, um, later in the night.
• 6:57
  Dora: Um, and it's been quite the journey this week to trying to navigate certain situations with a person that does not take accountability for their own emotions and just decides to put it you as the punching bag.
• 7:13
  Dora: Like that is so not fair.
• 7:16
  Dora: Which leads us to a pattern I often see, which is stonewalling.
• 7:24
  Dora: Oh, the stonewall.
• 7:26
  Dora: Um, so stonewalling is one of the most painful forms of emotional disconnection.
• 7:33
  Dora: Stonewalling is when someone shuts down completely, refuses to talk, walks away mid-conversation, gives the silent treatment, and can ignore the issue for days.
• 7:46
  Dora: Like I'm talking about days.
• 7:48
  Dora: Sometimes it goes on for weeks.
• 7:49
  Dora: I've seen it happen, especially in my household.
• 7:51
  Dora: Um, and here's what happens psychologically.
• 7:55
  Dora: When someone stonewalls you, your nervous system interprets that as rejection and abandonment.
• 8:04
  Dora: So your body body blah, your body literally goes into survival mode.
• 8:13
  Dora: Your brain starts asking, What did I do wrong?
• 8:17
  Dora: And then you try to fix it.
• 8:21
  Dora: You chase the conversation, you try to explain yourself, but that wall stays up.
• 8:28
  Dora: Like there's no budging that.
• 8:32
  Dora: And the more you chase, the more they retreat.
• 8:37
  Dora: So this is a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic.
• 8:42
  Dora: So it's like um kind of like tag your it, and then you just like keep running, running, running, right?
• 8:48
  Dora: Um, and it is extremely common in relationships where one person is emotionally avoidant.
• 8:54
  Dora: So again, back to you know, brick by brick, we just build that up.
• 8:58
  Dora: But that's just a mechanism for avoiding the whole thing altogether.
• 9:02
  Dora: So it's so frustrating because I've had multiple people in my lifetime just do this to me, and it irks me so much because it's like we could just talk about this for a few minutes and air out all the fucking tension, but no, we need to keep on going.
• 9:19
  Dora: We need to just pretend that, you know, like we we kind of like our roomies or um we're just going about our day, or even at work, like I've seen this happen where like a coworker gets all upset or frazzled about something, and then all of a sudden they just don't talk to you anymore the same.
• 9:37
  Dora: I used to have this happen a lot in high school.
• 9:40
  Dora: Um, and then uh what better example than kindergarten, right?
• 9:44
  Dora: When like, oh, we're not gonna talk to that girl because she's doing whatever, blah blah blah, and she'd like wrong me or what whatever it is, you know, like she didn't share her crayons today.
• 9:53
  Dora: Um and it's just so immature, right?
• 9:57
  Dora: Instead of having that conversation, and I don't even know what words to say to bring that down the stonewalling, but that's definitely a mechanism, and until you kind of lock eyes, I think, and just address it, that's when it all kind of evaporates.
• 10:15
  Dora: But then again, that's me wishful thinking.
• 10:20
  Dora: Gaslighting.
• 10:22
  Dora: This one is one of the most destructive psychological tactics.
• 10:28
  Dora: Gaslighting makes you question your reality, like no shit.
• 10:33
  Dora: And I've had multiple, multiple situations and people in my life try to make me think that I'm like, I don't know, I not good enough or like not up to the standard, but try to flip the script completely.
• 10:49
  Dora: Like, wow, it was my fault.
• 10:51
  Dora: It was my fault that this one thing happened.
• 10:54
  Dora: Um, and that's where um so many memories come up, and I'm just trying to think of a filtered one that I can share without giving away too much.
• 11:03
  Dora: Um, yeah, I'll come back to that.
• 11:06
  Dora: But some examples you might say is you yelled at me yesterday, and they might respond, that never happened.
• 11:13
  Dora: Or you're remembering it wrong, or you're making things up, or the bold one would be, you're crazy.
• 11:21
  Dora: Gaslighting causes something very dangerous.
• 11:25
  Dora: You stop trusting your own memory, you stop trusting your own feelings.
• 11:31
  Dora: You start asking yourself, did that really happen?
• 11:35
  Dora: Am I exaggerating?
• 11:37
  Dora: Maybe I misunderstood.
• 11:39
  Dora: And over time, you lose confidence in your own perception, and the person who gaslights you becomes the authority of the reality.
• 11:48
  Dora: That, my friends, is psychological control.
• 11:51
  Dora: And that's where for me, again, I misunderstand, right?
• 11:57
  Dora: My with my husband.
• 11:59
  Dora: There's so many oftentimes where I misunderstand what he told me.
• 12:02
  Dora: Well, I so I think.
• 12:04
  Dora: Um, and I like questioned my reality.
• 12:08
  Dora: And until later, did he that he actually admit that sometimes when he's super when he was super angry in the past, he would say stuff that he didn't mean.
• 12:18
  Dora: He would like say, Oh, you're not you're not cleaning enough, you're not being a mom enough, you're not being this enough.
• 12:24
  Dora: And it's like, what?
• 12:25
  Dora: Like, I work, I try to maintain the household as well.
• 12:31
  Dora: Like we both live in this house.
• 12:33
  Dora: Um, and he's a very cleanly person.
• 12:35
  Dora: I think if Mr.
• 12:36
  Dora: Klean was a Mexican virgin, that would be my husband on the picture.
• 12:39
  Dora: I often joke.
• 12:41
  Dora: But he would often like tell me some things just to bring me down, you know, just to bring me down because that's how petty would we would be fighting.
• 12:50
  Dora: And over the years, we've grown quite a bit, but I mean, we still can get into that little catfight, you know?
• 12:56
  Dora: And it's very easy to do when you get frustrated with someone, but that's where I would doubt myself.
• 13:04
  Dora: I instead of like realizing my self-worth, I would dwindle even more down and beat myself up because I'm not being that mom.
• 13:13
  Dora: I'm not being present as a wife, I'm not doing all the good, like I'm not cooking enough, I'm not cleaning enough, I'm not this enough.
• 13:20
  Dora: And it's like, whoa.
• 13:22
  Dora: Like the Dora right now, I no joke, this week has been like flipping train disaster um in my personal life.
• 13:31
  Dora: Um, my car broke down, and that in and of itself has taught me so much.
• 13:37
  Dora: And the hubby tries to fix stuff, you know.
• 13:40
  Dora: That's I think that's a man thing, which I appreciate.
• 13:42
  Dora: And my and and feeling is very handy, don't get me wrong.
• 13:46
  Dora: But sometimes we cross a threshold where certain things are do become like 3x compared to what we would have paid someone to do it, you know, like a professional.
• 13:57
  Dora: So when it comes to my car, and I love my truck, by the way, it's a Dodge Durango.
• 14:01
  Dora: I've had it for the last almost 11 years, and she's been so good to us.
• 14:07
  Dora: But she's like 161,000 miles.
• 14:10
  Dora: Like, what do you expect for a car?
• 14:13
  Dora: And she broke down, she was getting overheated, which I attribute to also it's me.
• 14:19
  Dora: Like, it's a two true symbolism of the owner.
• 14:22
  Dora: Like, I'm getting overheated myself.
• 14:24
  Dora: And I we had to take it to the mechanic.
• 14:28
  Dora: Like, I had called my one of my cousins, and oh my gosh, love him so much.
• 14:32
  Dora: He grew up like my little brother, and he was giving me and guiding me kind of and being that moral support because he lives a little bit further away, um, or else I would totally take it to him.
• 14:44
  Dora: But that's where you realized, damn, like you have to go to the professional, you can't do it yourself, you know, and that's part of like a great analogy to when it comes to mental health.
• 14:56
  Dora: For me, my doctor, like if I didn't go and I didn't discover all the things I had, like, especially with this cancer journey, uh, this tumor or those tumors, because there were three of them, would be growing at massive rates.
• 15:08
  Dora: But no, sometimes we don't take care of ourselves, but we do have like phone insurance on our phone.
• 15:15
  Dora: Um, and we every time we get that, you know, the the screen protector crack, sometimes we don't even change it.
• 15:21
  Dora: And we can cut ourselves, like going, you know, like punching or playing around on our screens and stuff.
• 15:27
  Dora: But we're really quick at, oh, let's swap it out for another phone, you know, or let's buy a new car.
• 15:32
  Dora: But I'm not ready that I'm not ready there there yet to get a new car payment and all that.
• 15:37
  Dora: And of course, I'm calling it into the universe.
• 15:38
  Dora: If that's the if that's the case, come on, let's so be it.
• 15:42
  Dora: I'm ready for my new call, but not right now.
• 15:45
  Dora: So that whole ordeal like reminded me of a situation where we I got into a car accident and it was a block, no joke, from my house or where we were living at at a at at the time at an apartment.
• 16:03
  Dora: And I called the police and then I called Philly, and my husband, Philly, was like, What do you want me to do about it?
• 16:10
  Dora: And I'm like, Well, I'm shooking up.
• 16:12
  Dora: I was pregnant, mind you, with our 15-year-old, so that was 15 years ago, and it was this girl crashed into me that had just gotten her license like two days prior, and she was just cruising with her brothers, younger brothers, to get ice cream.
• 16:26
  Dora: And I'm like, What the heck?
• 16:27
  Dora: Like, my just my luck at the light.
• 16:29
  Dora: She's turning left because she thought green light meant go.
• 16:33
  Dora: And she crashes into my front driver's side wheel, and the thing was messed up.
• 16:39
  Dora: Like, from what I remember, it was messed up.
• 16:40
  Dora: Like, I I didn't think I could drive it, and I drove it home because Feli said so.
• 16:45
  Dora: And then I remember vaguely, and again, this is might be miss me misremembering.
• 16:51
  Dora: I remember him saying, Why did you call me or why do you call me?
• 16:54
  Dora: Don't call me.
• 16:55
  Dora: And ever since then, that's stuck with me.
• 16:57
  Dora: And until recently, when we had that conversation, did I realize, wow, like that was so ingrained in me, the don't call me if you're in an emergency.
• 17:06
  Dora: I seriously thought that was for real.
• 17:09
  Dora: So obviously I do call him at times, but I I always get this sense of grief, you know, like there's gonna be the frustration, he's gonna be all mad, he's gonna be frazzled, he's gonna be stressed, and all the things.
• 17:20
  Dora: So that's where it's like sometimes it's not even worth it, you know.
• 17:23
  Dora: I rather pay whatever the bill is to the mechanic versus fixing it for feeling to fix it because of the grief, because of the frustration, because of all the things that it causes.
• 17:33
  Dora: Um, you know, you get what I mean, and you get the gist.
• 17:36
  Dora: So, all in all, you like for me, it was questioning what did I do wrong?
• 17:43
  Dora: Like, maybe I I'm too aggressive a driver, or maybe this, or maybe that.
• 17:47
  Dora: But no, it's it's a damn car.
• 17:50
  Dora: Someone crashed into me like back in 15 years ago when that happened.
• 17:54
  Dora: Like, I felt like it was my fault, and it wasn't even my fault.
• 17:58
  Dora: And uh honestly, Feli and I we were in a situation where we did not have the money.
• 18:03
  Dora: We were so broke, that's where we went bankrupt.
• 18:05
  Dora: Uh, we that was about around the time we were having financial issues, and we didn't even have the$500.
• 18:10
  Dora: I think I borrowed it for my mom, the$500 for the deductible for the car, because the other girl didn't have insurance because she just got her license.
• 18:19
  Dora: So that was that was my luck, let's just say, at that time.
• 18:25
  Dora: So these things happen.
• 18:27
  Dora: Um, but don't be questioning yourself.
• 18:31
  Dora: Growing up, um, my dad, he would be notorious for this, and maybe that's why it's so triggering when Phoebe works on my car, on the cars or that situation, because my dad, he would do stuff or say stuff, and then he would say, No, that wasn't me.
• 18:44
  Dora: I didn't say that.
• 18:45
  Dora: I don't remember that.
• 18:45
  Dora: And it's like, what?
• 18:47
  Dora: We just had that conversation.
• 18:49
  Dora: You just said that.
• 18:50
  Dora: So it brought up a lot of memories, and it's been a very triggering time for me.
• 18:54
  Dora: Um, and cars are my like, ooh, my go-to.
• 18:58
  Dora: Like, I love to drive.
• 19:00
  Dora: And so, right now, yes, living in the burbs in Chicago, not having a car, it's kind of very inconvenient.
• 19:06
  Dora: Um, but again, back to this gaslighting, you definitely question your reality for sure.
• 19:14
  Dora: Another tactic that happens in emotionally unavailable dynamics is victim shaming.
• 19:20
  Dora: This is when someone flips a situation to make you the problem.
• 19:25
  Dora: So, for example, you say, I felt hurt when you ignored me.
• 19:29
  Dora: They respond, Well, if you didn't act like that, I wouldn't have ignored you.
• 19:33
  Dora: Now, suddenly, their behavior becomes your fault.
• 19:39
  Dora: So, victim shaming sounds like you made me do that, or you pushed me, like you're like in the instigating kind of the situation.
• 19:48
  Dora: If you didn't start it, or you're too emotional.
• 19:55
  Dora: And my fave, you always cause problems.
• 19:57
  Dora: Like you're always the culprit.
• 19:59
  Dora: So this creates something called emotional confusion, and consequently, you probably begin to apologize for things that you didn't even do.
• 20:09
  Dora: It's as if like you want to mention something, like for example, um like raising their voice, like and get all flustered about something.
• 20:21
  Dora: It's like because you or we you were having a conversation, all of a sudden they started getting like heated and started to demonstrate a little bit of angry, angry or resentment or something, but it's all their emotions like fireworks going off, and all of a sudden it's like, well, you made me do that, or you made me talk to you that way, or in this tone, and it's like, what?
• 20:45
  Dora: That's where flipping the tables like that, it makes them feel good, right?
• 20:51
  Dora: It makes them try to rationalize why they're behaving the way they're behaving, when obviously it's not okay.
• 21:00
  Dora: But again, the emotional confusion is real, it's like a lot, it's like a fog in the room, right?
• 21:05
  Dora: You don't even know whose is what and what happened.
• 21:08
  Dora: Um, and and it's a daze to get to come back from.
• 21:13
  Dora: So this is just something that I mean, it's so subtle at times when it does happen, but it's not your fault.
• 21:21
  Dora: Just know that it's not your fault, and just try to stay clear in that and identify, right?
• 21:27
  Dora: This is all for awareness, the victim shaming.
• 21:29
  Dora: Like, these are terms I didn't even know until recently, um, when I was talking to my therapist and reading more and more up on all these different subjects.
• 21:38
  Dora: Like, that's when I started realizing what victim shaming is.
• 21:41
  Dora: Like, for example, if somebody gets assaulted, like a girl, especially, especially, it's like, oh, well, she was wearing like very seductive or very like you know, kind of her chi chis out and everything, and wearing a mini skirt and stuff, and that's why that happened to her.
• 21:56
  Dora: It's like, no, it's not.
• 21:58
  Dora: It should be respected.
• 21:59
  Dora: Like Every individual should be respected, you know, that type of thing.
• 22:03
  Dora: So that's just another example of this victim shaming.
• 22:08
  Dora: This is important.
• 22:10
  Dora: Many people ask, why won't they just get help?
• 22:14
  Dora: And trust me, I've tried with my husband and he still hasn't necessarily reached out to the resources.
• 22:19
  Dora: But some reasons include shame.
• 22:22
  Dora: Like there's a lot of shame tied to this, where, like, what are people going to think about me?
• 22:27
  Dora: You know, and that attributes back to the cultural stigma.
• 22:31
  Dora: Like, back to my grandma too, that she says, Oh, esos palocos, like that whole generation.
• 22:36
  Dora: And it's like, no, it's not.
• 22:37
  Dora: It actually helps you to have coping mechanisms for things.
• 22:43
  Dora: Or it could be fear of vulnerability.
• 22:45
  Dora: Like they don't want to be sharing their problems.
• 22:46
  Dora: That's what I often get from people.
• 22:48
  Dora: It's I don't want to share.
• 22:50
  Dora: There's too much, you know.
• 22:51
  Dora: It's like I don't, I shouldn't be sharing someone my all my problems.
• 22:54
  Dora: Or there's a sense of pride, the ego of nobody's gonna come and tell me what to do and how to do it.
• 23:01
  Dora: Like I I should be the owner of my life, you know, and and that's where, yes, true.
• 23:06
  Dora: However, there are tools and resources for you.
• 23:10
  Dora: Another big one is trauma.
• 23:12
  Dora: Like sometimes we cannot go through those events or uncover, like the onion, peel back the layers of what's going on.
• 23:21
  Dora: And then my last one here is control.
• 23:24
  Dora: Sometimes we just want to get control about our lives.
• 23:27
  Dora: And we we like to stay in control, right?
• 23:29
  Dora: We don't want to give it up.
• 23:30
  Dora: And the more awareness you have of things you cannot control, that gives you a sense of like that sense of having the control, it gives that it's kind of like anxiety, right?
• 23:41
  Dora: Because you want to have everything calculated, and that's not the case all the time.
• 23:47
  Dora: So all these various things might attribute to why a person might not get that help that they need, or that may they might seem like they don't need it, right?
• 23:56
  Dora: That they have it all together and overcompensate by overdoing over everything, overworking.
• 24:04
  Dora: And they might seem like they have it all together, but they might not.
• 24:08
  Dora: In many cultures, especially in Latino households, therapy was seen as weakness, and many people were raised with handle it yourself, don't talk about family problems.
• 24:19
  Dora: And my fave because of my grandma, only crazy people need therapy.
• 24:24
  Dora: So when you suggest therapy, it triggers deep shame.
• 24:29
  Dora: And shame often turns into defensiveness.
• 24:32
  Dora: But here's the important truth: understanding someone's wounds does not mean tolerating harmful behavior.
• 24:40
  Dora: Compassion and boundaries must exist together, and that's where we call them in.
• 24:46
  Dora: That does not justify someone being rude, being disrespectful, or outright just being like violent with their words and their actions and retaliation and all that.
• 24:58
  Dora: It's it does not justify any of that.
• 25:00
  Dora: So, again, come coming from a place of love and compassion is what definitely is the frequency that we want to be in, but that doesn't always happen.
• 25:10
  Dora: The sense of defensiveness that comes around, like, I'm fine, I should be able to handle it.
• 25:16
  Dora: And again, the ego kicks in, but we we have to have that grace with ourselves that we don't know what we don't know.
• 25:24
  Dora: And there might be for that loved one, they might be definitely going through a lot, but again, it doesn't justify behaviors.
• 25:35
  Dora: It's just a mechanism for them to feel safe or for them to feel better about themselves.
• 25:43
  Dora: When you live in these dynamics, your nervous system stays activated.
• 25:48
  Dora: You become hyper-aware, hyper-vigilant, and constantly scanning for conflict.
• 25:55
  Dora: You start asking yourself, how do I say this so they don't get upset?
• 26:01
  Dora: How do I bring this up without starting a fight?
• 26:04
  Dora: You begin walking on eggshells.
• 26:07
  Dora: You become responsible for managing their emotional reactions.
• 26:12
  Dora: That is emotional labor.
• 26:15
  Dora: And over time, it drains you.
• 26:18
  Dora: I remember vividly when I was a kid, my family did not talk about those emotions.
• 26:26
  Dora: And every time we wanted to have a conversation, I couldn't even voice it because I would get a knot in my throat.
• 26:35
  Dora: I would think like my dad would yell at me or regain me, right?
• 26:40
  Dora: Scold me because it's like suck it up.
• 26:42
  Dora: Like you should be strong.
• 26:45
  Dora: And that was something that I always fought myself with is like expressing myself.
• 26:50
  Dora: Because that was not something not something that I was taught growing up.
• 26:55
  Dora: I feel so drained when that loved one or person in your life is unable to take responsibility for their own emotions, they are unable to learn to regulate emotionally, and that is well, that is very challenging.
• 27:17
  Dora: For some reason, I felt called to pull a card from the Guides of the Hidden Realms Oracle deck by Colette Barron Reed, and it went along with today's episode, which I pulled number 38, Focus on the Brilliance.
• 27:36
  Dora: And the key concepts here are focused attention, prioritizing, doing what works, hitting your target, staying positive, eye on the prize, preserving, complete a task before jumping to the next shiny thing.
• 27:51
  Dora: When a skilled archer prepares to shoot, they focus on their target.
• 27:56
  Dora: Their skills and knowledge come together as they release their arrow, fully expecting that it will hit the exact spot that they had have claimed.
• 28:05
  Dora: They feel their success in advance as something already complete, and so it comes to be.
• 28:11
  Dora: Your task now is to choose your target or intention for an experience, then feel it as if it is already yours.
• 28:20
  Dora: Stay the course, paying no attention to distractions, and refusing to entertain anyone's drama.
• 28:26
  Dora: Wear this truth lightly, knowing there is no need to grasp or chase what is already yours.
• 28:32
  Dora: Let your arrow of destiny fly into the sky, traveling in its own way, even if it appears to move away from the target, know that the wind will blow it back without your needing to intervene.
• 28:44
  Dora: Trust the mark that the universe has chosen for you now and release your need to know the exact form.
• 28:51
  Dora: Also keep in mind that the universe has an element of delay.
• 28:54
  Dora: There may be a stretch where you see nothing happening, but don't allow that to sway you.
• 29:00
  Dora: Stay positive and then focus on your next task with the full expectation that you will hit your mark.
• 29:07
  Dora: You will feel such satisfaction and fulfillment when you do.
• 29:11
  Dora: So what a beautiful message for today.
• 29:13
  Dora: Especially that part where it says, um, stay the course, praying, paying no attention to distractions and refusing to entertain anyone's drama.
• 29:23
  Dora: And that is for sure.
• 29:25
  Dora: Because we often get derailed with people's other people's things that interfere that we don't that we lose sight on what we really want or who we really truly are or where we're headed.
• 29:37
  Dora: So again, stay the path.
• 29:39
  Dora: And I just felt that was such a beautiful message to share with you.
• 29:48
  Dora: This part might hurt, but it needs to be said.
• 29:52
  Dora: You cannot force someone to grow.
• 29:55
  Dora: You cannot force someone to seek therapy.
• 29:58
  Dora: You cannot force someone to become emotionally available.
• 30:03
  Dora: Healing requires willingness.
• 30:06
  Dora: Without willingness, nothing changes.
• 30:10
  Dora: You can explain, you can bag, you can cry, you can show articles, you can recommend therapy, but if someone refuses to look inward, the relationship will stay stuck in that same loop.
• 30:27
  Dora: So what can you do to protect your own sanity?
• 30:31
  Dora: Well, number one, you can stop over-explaining, you do not need to defend your feelings endlessly or just give all these explanations as to why you're doing the way you're doing and what you're doing it.
• 30:42
  Dora: Just stick to your to your path.
• 30:46
  Dora: And you don't need to justify it.
• 30:49
  Dora: Your feelings are valid.
• 30:52
  Dora: So you it needs to start with you.
• 30:54
  Dora: Validate them.
• 30:55
  Dora: They're valid, they're real.
• 30:57
  Dora: Honor them, whatever it is that comes up for you and your feelings.
• 31:00
  Dora: Number two, name the behavior.
• 31:03
  Dora: So, for example, you can say something to the effect of when you shut down and refuse to talk, it leaves the issue unresolved.
• 31:11
  Dora: So being aware for yourself and naming the behavior, and if you feel called to, you could definitely call it out for the other person.
• 31:19
  Dora: Number three, set boundaries.
• 31:22
  Dora: So, an example here would be I am open to resolving this when we both can communicate.
• 31:26
  Dora: And again, remember, it is so important for you to come from a state of love and compassion, but then again, be firm in your boundaries.
• 31:35
  Dora: And this is gonna call a lot out of you to know your worth.
• 31:38
  Dora: Know that you are perfectly okay where you're at, how you're viewing the things, and what you're okay with and what you're not okay with.
• 31:49
  Dora: And that's where you need to start calling people out on their own shit and start for them to start taking responsibility.
• 31:54
  Dora: Now, if they don't take responsibility, then we kind of loop around, right?
• 31:58
  Dora: But at least you set your boundary that you're gonna like from this point forward or from this point on, I'm not gonna be tolerating XYZ, right?
• 32:07
  Dora: You're not gonna have tolerance for that anymore.
• 32:09
  Dora: Number four, detach from fixing them.
• 32:13
  Dora: So you are not their therapist, okay?
• 32:16
  Dora: You are either the loved one, like the wife, the mom, the daughter, um, the partner, um, the friend, the coworker, the whatever the whatever role you are, you are not their therapist, okay?
• 32:29
  Dora: That is something that you need to definitely hone in on, okay?
• 32:35
  Dora: Because you need to know that you cannot control the outcome, you cannot fix them, okay?
• 32:40
  Dora: They need to figure this shit out on their own.
• 32:42
  Dora: Number five, protect your nervous system.
• 32:45
  Dora: So, different ways that you can protect your nervous system.
• 32:48
  Dora: I love to breathe.
• 32:50
  Dora: So, the box breathing, the breathe in for four, like breathe in for four counts, hold it at the top for four, and then breathe out for four, and then hold it at the bottom for four.
• 33:00
  Dora: Do that a few times.
• 33:01
  Dora: Um, I like to do them in threes.
• 33:03
  Dora: That um, journaling is a really good practice too, where you can just journal everything.
• 33:08
  Dora: Um, sometimes I like to journal stuff, put it out, profanities, everything I'm feeling, and then rip it up or burn it if you are in a safe space to do so.
• 33:17
  Dora: Therapy is also another way that you can do that.
• 33:20
  Dora: I usually talk to my therapist every other week now, and I need it more often.
• 33:24
  Dora: I used to do it every six weeks, but now it's like more often because I'm going through stuff.
• 33:29
  Dora: I need someone to bounce off the ideas, the things that are going on in my head, coping mechanisms.
• 33:35
  Dora: I need her to validate me sometimes to say I'm not going crazy.
• 33:38
  Dora: Like this is legit a lot to handle.
• 33:41
  Dora: There's some spiritual practices you can integrate.
• 33:43
  Dora: Like for me, I love some palosanto or some egg cleanses, and just cleaning the energy around you in your body, um, also in your spaces.
• 33:54
  Dora: Also, different practices might include akashic record readings, um, other sacred things that might call to you.
• 34:07
  Dora: But those are kind of my go-tos.
• 34:09
  Dora: And especially what the biggest thing, too, is to have that support system.
• 34:14
  Dora: So talking to safe people.
• 34:16
  Dora: Like, I always call my sister up, or I call one of my best friends up, and I pow-wow on okay, these are all the things happening.
• 34:23
  Dora: Like, this is a situation.
• 34:24
  Dora: Of course, I'm gonna be biased and I'm gonna be dramatic, and I'm gonna share my version of the of what is going on.
• 34:30
  Dora: Not that I'm gaslighting my person that I'm sharing with, but it's just giving them perspective, right?
• 34:35
  Dora: On like what is it that I'm going through.
• 34:37
  Dora: And so hopefully you are able to dive into the one or all of these um while you're navigating these situations in your life with those people that are just not emotionally there.
• 34:48
  Dora: They can't be emotionally stable.
• 34:53
  Dora: This is where your healing lives.
• 34:56
  Dora: Radical self-loyalty.
• 34:59
  Dora: And that means you stop abandoning yourself to just keep the peace.
• 35:04
  Dora: You stop shrinking your voice like that, not in your throat that you get, and your eyes are about to whale up.
• 35:13
  Dora: You stop apologizing for having emotions.
• 35:16
  Dora: Like, oh, I'm so sorry for feeling this, I'm so sorry I'm so sad, I'm so sorry I'm depressed, or I'm so sorry I'm resentful, and I'm so sorry I'm mad at you.
• 35:24
  Dora: It's like, no, don't apologize.
• 35:26
  Dora: Those are legit things that are coming up for you.
• 35:29
  Dora: You stop accepting manipulation as love.
• 35:32
  Dora: The manipulation is something so real, especially with my clients, that they don't realize it sometimes.
• 35:39
  Dora: And in my relationship, sometimes it lives very subtly, but that's where you need becoming aware is so important, and you begin to ask yourself, what do I need to feel emotionally safe?
• 35:55
  Dora: Dive into and sit with yourself and like put your hand on your chest and take a deep breath in and then breathe out through your mouth.
• 36:13
  Dora: And it's like I feel safe in my body.
• 36:16
  Dora: I feel safe.
• 36:20
  Dora: And if you need to step away from a conversation and do that, go so go ahead and do that.
• 36:26
  Dora: Because it is so important for you to know your own truth, for you to know you are worthy of having it all, but you are worthy to have that respect, you're worthy as a person, as a human being, and your intentions are good for the most part, right?
• 36:43
  Dora: Until we fight back.
• 36:45
  Dora: But I'm not calling for that.
• 36:47
  Dora: It's more of calling in your own truth and sticking to it.
• 36:50
  Dora: Remember the card, like putting your eye on the prize, putting your eye on what matters and prioritizing that.
• 36:58
  Dora: And don't be stuck with the whole BS on people.
• 37:02
  Dora: No, no, no.
• 37:03
  Dora: Stick to your lane, stick to your lane.
• 37:06
  Dora: You got enough on your plate sometimes, most of the time, that if you want to keep on borrowing everybody else's leftovers, like, yeah, no, we're not doing that.
• 37:14
  Dora: Okay, everybody has to accept their own responsibilities.
• 37:20
  Dora: If you are navigating this now, I want you to hear this clearly.
• 37:26
  Dora: You are not crazy, you are not too sensitive, you are not the problem for wanting a healthy communication.
• 37:36
  Dora: Healthy love includes accountability, emotional safety, vulnerability, repair after conflict.
• 37:45
  Dora: And from both parties, right?
• 37:47
  Dora: If someone refuses those things, that, my friends, is information.
• 37:53
  Dora: And you deserve relationships where your emotional reality is honored for yourself, but then the other person also sees you and hears you and gives you that space that you need to be authentically you in all the ways that they need to be.
• 38:10
  Dora: So take that to heart.
• 38:25
  Dora: And if you're doing the deep healing work, I see you, I honor you, and I'm walking that journey with you.
• 38:36
  Dora: This is I Mijita, where we embrace our raises and reclaim our essencia.
• 38:41
  Dora: Sending you so much love, and we shall chat next time.
• 38:46
  Dora: Hasta la próxima.
• 38:48
  Dora: Bye.