Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 135. “When He Pulls Away: How to Stop Being An Anxious Mess In Relationships & Pushing Him Away

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135. “When He Pulls Away: How to Stop Being An Anxious Mess In Relationships & Pushing Him Away · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers podcast. I'm Ashy
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Welcome back everybody.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Today's episode it's all about how to stop being an
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: anxious mess when he pulls away and stop falling into
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: an emotional heap. So we're gonna share a little bit
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: about maybe times in the past where we've fallen anxious,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: how we moved out of it, some tools that are
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: going to help you kind of bring yourself back to basis,
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: and what's really going to help you come into like
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: a really solid foundation in yourself whilst you're navigating relationships.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Love it so.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Really hard one. Relationships can be really challenging.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Really challenging. Before we get into it, though, what's your
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: share of the week?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, my share of the week is actually just my
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Oh I love it. It's called my new life. Actually
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: shared this on a podcast but I thought i'd put
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: it in here. It's My New Life by Tea Dash
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: Wild with Double D And this is the playlist that
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I was listening to in Bali when I was on
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: the back of the mopeds and it was like my
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: freedom playlist and that's what I like kind of labeled
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: it in my head. So if you're ever looking for
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: feel good music that just like is uplifting, It doesn't
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: have any derogatory language or anything like that and you
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: want to feel good, highly recommend listening to it on
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: your next book.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Love that Mine is a protein powder, Oh, bring it in.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I have recently started tracking my macros and just learning
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: about what I need, and I definitely find it hard
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: to hit my protein amount each day. So if I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: get to the end of the day and I haven't
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: hit it, I just have a protein jake. Yeah, and
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: the passion fruit vegan protein water. If you have not
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: tried protein water, it is so good. I definitely prefer
• 1:57
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  Speaker 1: water or just normal water, but it tastes like pisito.
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  Speaker 1: It's so oh yummy. There's a tropical one, there's a
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• 2:10
  Speaker 1: the protein waters, get the vegan not the way. The
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: way ones have a creamy undertone, which I feel like
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: for protein water you don't want. Yeah, so go the
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: vegan one. It's so much yammy. It's to the Happy Way.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: But it's just so friakin delicious, the passion fruit vegan one.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: When Ash first showed me this, I was like, I
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: need that for my whole life, you know, a lifetime supply.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: I go through it so quick, delicious, and I'm the same.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I don't really like the milky stuff either, so if
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: I can avoid that, I will, And it just feels
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: like a fruity drink.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: It's so nice coming what is it? Spring?
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: And summer now too, so it's like the perfect weather
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: for it's cool.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I've also been an ambassador for Happyway since they first started.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: So the owner of Happyway actually used to work for me.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Oh wow. So he was a head trainer for the
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: ashevines pick Anybody Challenge in Adelaide. Yeah, and then yeah,
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: he's developed Hapfyway and I was their very first ambassador
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: and i'm their longest standing ambassador. Wow. So yeah, I've
• 2:55
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• 2:56
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• 2:59
  Speaker 1: They're all natural, They're absolutely delicious. They have so many flavors.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: You can just use ashy at checkout. I'll save you
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: some money. But how they recommend writing down, but write
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: it down shopping now alrighty, let's get into it. We
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I feel like good people to talk about this because
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: we have been anxious.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Oh We've been anxious girlies through and through, and this
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: is why we connect so much.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Was it you that said that in a lot of
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: relationship dynamics, you'll attract the opposite. So anxious will attract
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: a avoidant and then you learn to like heal each other.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I feel like we've probably had many conversations about that,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: but yeah, it's usually what happens. They call it like
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: that anxious avoidant trap. They call it that because it's
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: quite intense.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And if you've read the book Attached by doctor
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Adam Levine, you'll understand a little bit more about that.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: And if you haven't, you can read it's really really good. Yeah,
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: It talks about how because when an anxious is anxious,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: their natural coping mechanisms to lean in, in in, yeah,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: whereas like an avoidant is like as soon as things
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: get too hot and heavy, they want to run away,
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: so they naturally have this push and pulled dynamic or
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: it's almost like cat and mouse. So the closer you get,
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: the further they get. Yeah, that's why they call it
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: a trap, because it's hard to get out of unless
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: both partners are super conscious about it.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: Steve and I have played that role for sure. Not anymore,
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: but for the first part of our relationship. For a
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: long time, he was more avoidant and just would shut down.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: It's not necessarily like run away, but emotionally, yeah, he
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: would shut down and avoid and I was really anxious
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: and wanted to sort things out on the spot and
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: like talk to that sort of out because I could
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: not go to bed angry. Yeah, go to bed if
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: we weren't sorted in together.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: We're resolving it now, Yeah, resolver it now.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: But it would just make him shut down more because
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: coming in anxious, I'm coming with quite an intense energy
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: and quite an anxious energy, and that felt overwhelming for him. Yeah,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: so over the years we've learned to just soothe ourselves
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: first and regulate before we come in like that. But
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like he's as avoidant anymore, and I'm
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: not as anxious anymore. I feel like we've kind of
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: healed a lot of that, which is cool. But there's
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: a conversation is like, what to do when your partner
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: does want to run away? How do you cope? How
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: do you manage? For me? Over the years, I've definitely
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: learned to read the room. There's a time and place
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: to have a hard conversation, and everyone processes things really differently,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I know, even for myself. Now, the more I've come
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: into myself, the more I actually need space to just
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: process and regulate myself before I can have a conversation.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Whereas when I was anxious, I was not breathing. Yeah,
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: I was coming in hot and heavy and just so
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: scared of the abandonment and the rejection that it would
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: just like spit out whatever came up. Foras now I
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: need space to just calm, even go to a girlfriend
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: or go to nature and regulate myself before I go
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: to him, and same vice versa. So we've had a
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: lot of conversations around how that looks, and also asking
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: to like do you have space to talk about this
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: has been really important because even that question, it's like
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: they can take a moment to think like do I
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: actually have the capacity to talk about this right now?
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: If they don't, it's then asking when do you have it?
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: So for an anxious asking when can you have space,
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: then you've got reassurance it's not going to get swept
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: under the rug or forgot about. Yeah, we're going to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: come back tomorrow at this time and we're going to
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: have this conversation. So anxious can then be like, Okay,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: they're not going to forget about me. Yeah, and I
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: have to just park how I feel, reconnect. We're all good,
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: and that reassurance is there, and I find that's been
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: really helpful.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then you're also not guessing like when are
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: we going to have that conversation?
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, we're ever going to have the.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: Conversation or is this just going to get swept under
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: the rock like done before?
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, such an interesting one. I remember in this one
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: specific relationship, I was very anxious, and there were a
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: couple of different components to why I was anxious. One
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: because I don't think I'd ever felt for anybody like
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: I felt for him, and so I was just like,
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: oh my god. My fear of abandon was just like, hello,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: I am here, I am feeling I love not going,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: or you thought I was gone because you were single haha, yep, right,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: And yeah there was that, and then there was like
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: his partner, his behavior and his need to like lean
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: out and avoidance, and like in our relationship dynamic, he
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: had explored the most depth emotionally with me, which is
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: beautiful and I'm so grateful that I could have let
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: him in that. But it also meant that I was
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: like the trial and error person. So it was like, yes,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: I got all of the anxious avoidance stuff. And I
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: think for me, what I used to struggle with was
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: that it would feel like the end of the world. Yeah,
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: like when I was in my anxiousness and it was
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: like my peak anxiousness, not just oh I feel a
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: bit off, like I cannot breathe right now, I'm borderline
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: panic attack. It felt like the world was ending, and
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: it felt like this person was going to leave me
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: and I was going to lose everything. Like That's how
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: it felt for me at the moment. And I think
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: the way that I helped myself kind of soothe was
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: really learning like a lot of breathing techniques and just
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: relying on YouTube and relying on nervous system regulation and
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: learning how to like parent myself, you know, that inner
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: child healing, you know, even if it's just like the
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: wrapping your arms around yourself and just like rocking side
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: to side, like for me, that really helped me. Like
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: I remember this one time I was super anxious and
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: I was sitting in a park and I was like
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: borderline having a panic attack. And it was because we
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: had had a fight and I thought he was gonna leave.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: And I remember wrapping my arms around myself and I
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: just was literally in public, like on a park bench
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: or something, and I put my legs up so like
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: my knees were like up around my chest, my arms
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: were around my body, and I just closed my eyes
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: and I started rocking side to side and I just
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: was like like you're okay, Like you're okay, And I
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: just kept doing that until my breath got slower and
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: I felt safer and I felt more comfortable, and I
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: was like wow, Like it took me a good ten
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: minutes for me to do this before I could regulate.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: But learning little things like that really helped me when
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: I was at my peak, you know, and also addressing
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: the fear that I was feeling too, because I was
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: so terrified that people would leave because I had experienced
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: that in the past. You know, I made up stories
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: in my head that the people that I loved always left,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: and so then I started to get into this habit
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: of like leaving before people would leave me, oh, you know,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: because I was so scared, you know, I didn't know
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: how to deal with that fear. But I think one
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: of the biggest things that really helped me, which I
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: feel will help you, is like give yourself permission to
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: sit with the fear, you know, like don't try to.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Run from it.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Just don't try to reason with it and try to
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: squash it or try to gaslight yourself into thinking that
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: you're not scared, because it's also okay that you feel scared,
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Like relationships are hard, and vulnerability is scary, and intimacy
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: can bring up your biggest wounds and it does, you know,
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: So just giving yourself partition to sit with the fear
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: of loss, because that's what it is, you know, and
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: when I made friends with that fear, I was like, Okay,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Like this is so uncomfortable and I hate sitting in it,
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: but I'm just gonna sit with it and just not
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: make a big deal out of it. And the more
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: they did that, the more that it dissolved, and then
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: the less I was afraid of it.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: That's cool with everything, Hey acknowledging all of your emotions,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: not laborly them as good or bad. It's like, if
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: you're sad, you're sad. If you're happy, you're happy. If
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: you're frustrated, you fresh. If you're angry, you're angry. If
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: you're excited, you're excited. You're all emotional feelings. You all
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: get to feel every single day like you can't label
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: them as bad. Then you suppress them, yes, and then
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: it just builds up bigger in your head and build
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: up bigger in your body, more anxiety, and can show
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: up in really not nice ways for yourself. It gets
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: worse too.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: And I remember when I was scared of the fear,
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: scared of someone leaving or for my ex partner, I
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: thought he was going to leave it. Actually that fear
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: came out in behaviors me. It became out like I
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: would rab for him and like need his attention.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: Do you love me? Do you are you leaving? Are
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: you going to stay?
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Like lots of reassurance, lots of reassurance, and like overly
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: ask for those things because I was just so terrified
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: that he would leave.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel good.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Well, no, because that in itself is like sabotaging the
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: relationship because I was needing him to reassure me because
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: I didn't know how to do that myself, you know.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: So it was like I couldn't be a solid foundation
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: that I was like, please, I need you to help
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: me without knowing how to do that for myself.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Such a skill to be able to soothe yourself, Oh
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: for sure, everyone needs to learn that.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: But that was the thing that kind of helped me
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: soothe my anxious attachment, you know, and also the relationship.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I was gonna say that, but I didn't know how
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: else to say it.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: That's exactly the words I was going to say.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Because it was a mix of your anxiousness and his behavior,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: behavior and the lack of growth moving through it together. Correct.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So it was, yes, my wounds were showing up,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: but also it was his behavior as well. So leaving
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: the relationship also was like a huge relief on my
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: nervous system. And then I could come back into like
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: focus and now in relationships, like even if it pops
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: up with us or anyone else in my life, it
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: doesn't come up in the way that it used to,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: know because I feel so much more secure in myself
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: because one, I'm more grounded. I know how to regulate better.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: I getting better at doing that. I'm not perfect, but
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: I'm better at it. And I have safe people in
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: my life.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: You know how to communicate well too, Yes, which is
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: a huge part of it as well, because it's not
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: scary for the receiver. Yes, when you come in with that.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Those were really helpful things for me. And I say
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: it because when you're in that anxiousness and you feel
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: like your partner's going to leave, it feels like the
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: scariest thing in the world. It's like you can't focus
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: on anything else. You can't focus on your work, you
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: can't show up. If you're a parent, I'm sure you
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: can't parent properly. It consumes you entirely. When you were
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: in your anxious attachment.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I think when I was first got with Steve too.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: I was super codependent on him and so anxious. I
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: felt like I was going to die something happened to us.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: And what helped me also is actually having my own
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: life outside of him. Yes, and I do this very
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: well now, very well balanced and everything that I do.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: But yeah, having hobbies, having friends, having things look forward to,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: not having my whole life revolve around him, and it
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: helped me grow my independence and my confidence to be
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: without him. But then I realized and could have the
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: conversation with myself of I'm with this man because I
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: want to be here, not because I need to be here,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: And that's such a different energy in an intimate relationship
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: or being there because you want to because it's the
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: need and your people they're going to leave or like
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I might die of this person. Situlate my life healthy, No.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: It's not, because that in itself, it makes you reliant
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: on somebody.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: And that feels heavy for them as well. It's a
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: lot to carry. So having your own things outside of
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: the relationship is really healthy. Hobbies, friends, interests, goals, personal things.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: It's so important.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: You know what else that's really powerful for is when
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: things aren't going right in the relationship, you have other
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: things to fall back off, because let's say, do what
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I did in this relationship, I didn't have anything outside.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I wasn't prioritizing my friends, I wasn't tizing my purpose.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I wasn't doing all those things because I made the
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: relationship my sole focus. And then he became my everything,
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: which puts so much pressure on him. And so because
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: he became my everything when things were bad between us,
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: everything was crumbling. Yes, but because I didn't have those
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: other things in my life that stabilized me, you know,
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: they were my stabilizers. Like right now, you're a stabilizer
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: for me, you know, and forever. Please don't believe.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Me anywhere there's that anxiousness.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: You're not anxious anymore, No, you know what I mean.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And you are a stabilizer solely for me. And then
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: I've got other friends and family in my life who
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: are stabilizers. And then my purpose, my passion, she rises,
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: my coaching business. These are all stabilizers that actors like legs, yeah,
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: my foundation, you know. So when one leg gets knocked out,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: which is the relationship temporarily, and you're feeling anxious, you're stable.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: You're not crumbling like a house of bricks.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: You know if you said that, because I remember seeing
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: this girl, I won't say. She has been on social
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: media and she went through a very public breakup and
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I remember doing a video because someone had said to her,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: looks like your coke pin your breakup, and you guys
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I have because they've got really good friends and family,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: So like, yes, it her, But I'm not crumbling into
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: a million pieces because I've got other people in my
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: life that I really love and care about, so it
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel as hard as what maybe it would for
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: someone else that didn't have anyone and then they're actually
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: lonely ers. I don't get a chance to be lonely
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: because I've got some new good people around me. And
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I was like, wow, that's really cool, it's really nice. Yeah,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: that's so beautiful. What we all should have absolutely village
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: around us that if she falls to pieces, you've got
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: people that to help you pick the pieces back up.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: We love the village. We do love a village. It's
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: not the Australian culture but not, but we're making it.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Which we're making it. We're want a compound. We are.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: That's so true.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: Actually sent me this thing the other day and it
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: was like two houses side by side. She's like, my
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: besties house or is it my dream my house, my
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: houseols everything.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, this is this is it?
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: That's the goal.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: It's a drill. Oh I love that.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: I think what's also important is if you can ground
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: yourself and learn how to manage your own emotions, you
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: will be a stable foundation for him as well. True,
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: which is really important if you're going to be in
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: a relationship, friendship, dynamic, whatever it is, like, you've got
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: to be able to be just as stable for them
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: as they are for you. And so if you are
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: falling anxious, if you can regulate yourself super quickly and
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: your partner pulls away, you can come back into the
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: dynamic in a really supportive way because you don't have
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: your emotions in the game.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: It's so true, or you're.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: Regulated, you're coming in like, hey, just checking, I've noticed
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you pulled away, Like is everything okay in your life?
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Like can I support you with anything? And then you're
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: the rock for them.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: So beautiful, you know.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: But then if you're an anxious mess, you can't show
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: up efficiently in the way that they need you to.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: And sometimes if you are the one who is always
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: having an emotional reaction, that person may start to feel
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: like you're not holding space for them if you're holding
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: space for you. So it's just yeah, being the best
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: partner that you can be, but being the best version
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: of yourself you can be for you and then for
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: your partner too.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: Isn't that in everything? Though? Like I just I don't
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: know why parenting just came up for me. Yeah, the
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: more grounded and regulated eye I am, the better parent
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I am. Absolutely. The more I'm resting, the more I
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: take care of my training and my food and my sleep,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: the more I can hold all of their emotions. If
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: I have not got sleep, their emotions I find really
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: hard to hold, like the noise, the yelling, or the
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: tantrums or them getting upset about something they're fighting. Oh
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: my god, it feels too much. But if I'm really
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: well regulated and I've trained and I've slept and feeling good,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I can hold it for a lot longer. You're like,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: I've got you. Yeah, I've got you both, and we
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: can figure the sad and let's go outside and I
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: can use my tools and I can think clearly of
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: how to navigate it. But if I'm not good. They're
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: getting the rest of me rather than the best of me.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: And that's why it's always so important to for your
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: cup up.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: I think that's also to add to that, why it's
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: so important to have other stabilizers in your life, like
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: what you're talking about, like hobbies and things that are
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: important to you, passions, because then you're getting fulfillment from
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: other areas exactly.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: It's not just relying on them.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're filling up your cup in other areas. So
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: for the most part, your energy is at eighty percent
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: most of the time, instead of down at twenty because
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: you've got nothing. You're meeting them at eighty because you've
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: got like I'm happier here and I love my family,
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: I love my career, and I love my passions, and
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: my hobbies make me so happy. And then you come
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: into this relationship be like, I've got energy to give and.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: It's like that cup analogy which I just love a
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: banging on about it all the time. People probably sick
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: of me explaining it, but it is. It's that cup.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: So if I'm feeling people wonder why I see my
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: girlfriends and why I go to dance class and go
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: on holidays and do things that I freaking love because
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: it fills my cup up. And guess what happens to that?
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Then it overflows, and guess who gets that? My husband,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: my kids, my purpose, she rises, All the things I
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: care about get this overflow. Yeah, but I don't do
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: any of that, and I'm running on dry I've got
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: nothing to out pour. They get the scraps, which is
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: no patience, which is I can't hold the space. I
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: can't regulate myself. So how am I going to regulate
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: my children and co suit them. I don't have the
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: time for my part or the energy for my partners
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: in a shit mood, no thank you. Yeah, I'm not
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: who I want to be. It's such at that cup up,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: and it takes conscious energy and choice. So when I
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: cop shit for going on a girl's trip or going
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: on date night or go to a dance class when
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: I should be bothering my kids, It's like, Okay, you
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: do you, but this makes me feel good and I'd
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: come back and I'm a better partner and a better
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: parent and a better friend, and it makes me better.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: So I'll continue to do that, make filling that cup up.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Yes's permission, slip yes up and also like it just
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: write it down. Create you know, we love a good list.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: We love a good we love a good list.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: So write a list of the things that make you happy.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be a big thing, it doesn't
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: have to cost money. You can be in the sun,
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: you can go for a swim, you can listen to
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: your Spotify, you can with a girlfriend, whatever, whatever you have. Honestly,
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: highly recommend it. It's been very healing for us.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, it doesn't have to cost anything. No, it doesn't.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: But it's also okay if a cost too.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Dance class, yes, a dance class, absolutely, But what I'm
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: saying is, like this ample opportunities for you to marketings.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: You know that's a good point. Yeah, we hope that
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: helps all that anxious girlies. And let us know if
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: you'd like us to do another whole episode. I did
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: see it pop up a questions box to do more
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: on the attachment styles. Yeah cool, Well we've done one
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: a little while ago, but maybe it was ages ago.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I can't remember.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I can't remember either, but we can totally do that.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: We're just anxious and disorganized. Yeah, let's see that you
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: are and how they show up different in different relationships too, yeap,
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: so we can talk about that. So we have maybe
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: we need to go back and have listen.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I don't think we've done it separate like that. Maybe
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: so we've probably spoken about those, but I think we
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: can definitely do a deep dive.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: We'd love to hear from you, guys in the form
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: let your whole episode, explaining what each of them are,
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: how they show up, and how to work through them.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Cool sounds amazing. Thanks for listen, guys, will see in
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: the next episode. Bye bye,