Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #59 Microdose on DBT's G.I.V.E. Skill: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships in College

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#59 Microdose on DBT's G.I.V.E. Skill: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships in College · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo and I'm Dr. Liz Seidler and you're listening to College is Fine. Everything's fine. Okay, listeners, we are here with another micro dose episode on a follow up to an interpersonal skill that we have already taught you, dear man, which is about getting what you want in terms of your needs met in relationships. And now we're going to talk about it. A very important skill that you can use with a lot of different relationships in college.Which is called the GIVE skill, another acronym. And really is about how do I build and maintain positive relationships with other people. And Sarah, like what I'm trying to think about, if listeners are listening to this, like when would they want to use this skill?Well, okay, backing up a little bit, I think part of the reason we are trying to give this micro dose episode is because we've had so many conversations around communicating with parents lately, and you and I were like, Oh, we'll just refer back to the give fastskill set. And we realized, like, retro, we probably mentioned it, but it wasn't really clear there.So one of the ways, obviously, that people could use it is sort of in this cluster of episodes we've just had when they're trying to. Be in a real, you know, keep a relationshipwith a parent. Um, and then we should also mention give is a pair. It comes with another skill that we'll call the fast skill that'll come up.But this is the part of the pair where it talks about having a relationship that is important to you. And what do you need to do to keep it strong? So, yeah, when talking to parents, even if you are having to come up with a compromise, then the give. I also think the give skill set is good with any sort of roommate situation, um, and I do always, this is one of those skills where like, I don't care who I'm working with.I'm probably going to work this in because I think the give and fast comboare good for any sort of new romantic relationship or just kind of trying to pay attention to that balance of what you're giving to the other person and also what you're holding true in terms of your ownneeds. So, yeah.a good question to ask yourself, like, is this an opportunity that I, I probably should think about using give, is asking yourself, like, how do I want the other person to feel about me after we have an interaction? And that sometimes there are situations in college where You might not like the other person, right?But you're in a relationship with them. I can think about a supervisor that I had on an internship where I really did not like them, but I knew that they were going to be giving me an evaluation at the end of the internship and that I had to keep him liking me.So I had to be mindful of. My tone of voice, my non verbals, a lot of things we're going to talk about as we teach you the skill.So I think that's, I think even that question, there are a lot of relationships that you need to keep positive, either because you care about the person, want them in your life, or they're in a position where they are going to give you something or not give you something.Right. Where it's going to be more effective foryou to keep that relationship strong, toget your own, like, goals or needs met, for sure.Right, so why don't we get into it?And like, I feel like a lot of times when we're teaching skills, it's sometimes also to be mindful of like what non give is and, um, because that might be a sign that you're, um,A pivot.yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, okay, so let's, let's go through give. Sari, you want to start with the G?I'll start with the G. Yeah, as a, as you've seen, these DBT skills do love some, uh, acronyms. Is that what it's called, an acronym? I always feelWe, we have done this so many times on this, um. Podcast, because I struggle with acronym abbreviations. I think it's an acronym, though.Okay. I'll cut that part out if it's, umSomething else.All right. Okay. So we all know at this point that Liz and I love an acronym. DBT loves an acronym and there's, this one is no different. So when we say give, it really stands for four different things. And the first one is G so being gentle. And that sounds really obvious at a certain point, but I think that.Oftentimes when a conversation can get heated or something else, people forget that they can still do things in a gentle manner. And it's a simply way of saying, be nice, be respectful, no attacking, staying away from those, you know, all or none words, likealways, never. What am I forgetting?So I think that it's. So Sarah says too, I think there's like four ways to know if you're being gentle. So she said, not attacking, right, which is using maybe language that is accusatory towards someone else. Um, being nonjudgmental. So not using words like always, uh, or making interpretations or assumptions about the other person.And then the other two things. would be to decrease any like threatening. Obviously, you wouldn't be gentle if you're threatening someone, but you know, kind of saying like if you don't get your needs met, like if you don't do this, right, then this is what's going to happen. That would be an example. And the last one in DVD, they say sneering.And what we mean by that, that's the nonverbal piece to be mindful of, right? Are you eye rolling? Are you sucking your teeth? Like what? What really is going on with your face? That's not signaling Socially that you're being gentle. So it's like, so stopping the attacking kind of language or insults, being non judgmental, being mindful of like aggressive non verbals, um, and being, uh, non judgmental.So those are like the four things that I would say.and I think that last kind of non verbal non sneering goesright into the I, which is acting interested. I mean the word act is important here, because you might genuinely, I'm sure when you were talking to your supervisor,weren't interested, but you're just nodding along atcertain things and, um, So I think just showing, like, making good eye contact, you're not shuffling papers around or looking at your phone while they'retalking, just again, those nonverbal cues that show that what that person is saying isn't important, we want to, we want to take all that, put that to the side and just have this be a conversation between two people, not while, you know, you're sort of doing other things.I know that's one of my biggest, like, When I feel the least listened to iswhen somebody is doing something else while I'm talking. It's like such a clear message that this other thing is more important.Right. Okay. The V, and we could probably do a whole episode on the V, but Oh gosh. You're right. Okay. We'll bring another microdose episode out.the Damn it. We just keepon know, I know the V is about validation. So I think a couple, and there's a really good video I can put in the show notes that I think really. Um, quickly explains validation, but, um, Validate is, is how do I communicate to the other person that I understand what they're thinking or feeling makes sense.And you can do this through words and actions, right? Like, validation might be like you see a friend and they're crying and you might not say anything, but you kind of like rub their back or grab them a tissue. Like, that would be an action step with, without using words that you're, understand that they're upset.Um, Validation with words. And this is where I think people get a little stuck on this is they assume validation is agreement. And really when you are validating, you are trying to communicate to someone that you get it right. You can kind of see from their perspective why they might feel a certain way.Um, you can recognize, um, Through paraphrasing, I think that's a really good way to validate is to just almost pair it back to the other person. It shows that you did what Sarah just said, you were listening. Um, and it's showing that you're trying to get at, uh, what they're experiencing.Yeah. I think to your point, you, when you mentioned just like, Oh, I totally get it. It's such a quick,it's like, there's a couple of hacks, right? Sometimes it's just being like, I see how you got there. And you're not saying like, I agree with how you got there. Just like, Oh, I kind of see how you got there or, uh, cause I think so often when. You're not doing the validation piece. It can quickly feel like an attack, even if you're being supportive sometimes. So, and this is a way that I think people automatically feel a little bit calmer when you'resaying like, oh, okay. You're, the story you're telling, I understand. It's making some sense to me. So, but I think that word validation is, can be hard for some people. It's also one of those words that's out in the ether everywhere and people are probably You know, probably a little sick of it, but I hate it when a good word has gone bad.I agree. I And this is one where I'm like, no, you know, like stick with it.This is really important and huge. It's probably one of the bigger, like of all the letters, that one's always like more bold in my mind than these other ones.And even Sarah, the way that you, the language you use, I always say with validation, some people are like, I don't want to sound like a therapist, right? Um, and by the way, we don't want you to sound like atherapist either. I don't even likesounding like know. So you just have to kind of like, like what language could it, like, that sounds true to me because it can be invalidating if you're trying to validate, but you're not really sincere about it.Right. Like it's not really vibing with like your personality or something like If you're not a schmoopy person, don't say,don't try schmoopyYeah. And I think sometimes that's where maybe being more concise or kind of, and also validating through actions, through your non verbals, there are a lot of ways to provide validation that doesn't have to be a feeling statement.for sure.All right. I I'm just trying to figure out all the like, goofy ways that even I cringe when people, you know, um. Get a little too, a little too mushy with it. So, and then last but not least is the, is the used humor, just lightheartedness, you know, trying to have an easy manner. So that's the easymm hmm.Um, and I think anytime you're delivering something and you have a sense maybe of having a smile on your face or if it's It, or if it's a harder conversation, you might not be smiling. That might be a little weird to be like, I'm coming on with a hot topic and you're just smiling. It's going to be probably a little crazy.So just think about what an easy manner is for you, right? That's just something where it's saying, try to give a lighthearted sense of things. Um, besides smiling, what would you do?I think this is an example. Easy. I would say easy manner again with your words like, Okay, what am I actually saying? Um, and also what's my body language look like? Right? So this is where you really want to kind of think about, Okay, how am I? I love this idea of like socially signaling. So like, what am I kind of signaling with my body and my face?Um, that might kind of, yeah. And usually that's like some level of movement. I know I kind of move my hands a lot. You guys might not know that I'm doing it all the time. And for, for reference, she's waving them in a whirlwind sort of pattern as she's doing this, just to give you an image. more rigid you are, right, the less, um, The more likely you're going to signal like potentially and even inadvertently, like you're kind of attacking or you're like more emotional.So there's little ways, you know, like even for me, like when I'm about to even dear man, my kids potentially that to stop doing something all I kind of like be like, ouch, right? And they'll be like, why did you get hurt? And I was like, no, what you said just actually, right? Um, so even that kind of, yeah. I think like catches them a little bit off guard and they kind of smile when they realize I didn't stub my toe and it was because, you know, they said something in an unkind way.Um, that, so I think that's what I kind of think of is like, you know, not that I'm doing stand up comedy when I'm, when I'm trying to, uh, communicate something to someone, but there's this ease within my body as well as my language that, um, is genuine.yeah. And I think that sometimes the people we care about the most get this skill the least.And so it is something to say that. It is nice to remember at times that to give this to the people who you care about the most, and to a roommate that you have to get along with, and also sometimes when I think people can feel a little anxious if they'retalking with a professor or trying to meet someone new, so they might come across as really stoic, but to remember that this could be something to Help get some of that anxiety out and not feel like and kind of look as sort of stoic or frozen. So to give more of that kind of easy manner and toact, you know, act engaged can be helpful even if it's about, um, having You know, like the first time you're trying to talk to somebody, you don't know, should I act like this? Should I act likethis? Do I need to be more formal? But you can do give with relationships that are professional too, and they can go a long way to making it that perfect, that person just feel that much more kind of willing to give you, go the extra mile forRight, right. And, you know, we wanted to teach a skill because all these skills, oftentimes you're juggling them at the same time, right? If you really think about, uh, dear man, it rarely is probably going to work, uh, in a relationship that you're in if you're not using a little bit of give, right? I can't imagine Trying to agree to something that somebody wants when they're telling me that I'm a terrible friend and I'm worthless, right?So, um, hopefully now you have some more intel on some more skills that you can use to maintain your relationships at college.I also, I'm going to add a little bit incase we want to put it in. I do also think that a lot of times people understandably have been told or have learned appropriately to stand up for themselves and to really set boundaries, and that is hugely important.Mm hmm.I think at times there can be a, that people can forget that this can be paired with a gentle manner.So the next microdose episode we'll do is going to focus on that boundary setting. But I think I want to just. Put a little pin in that to say, are there times where you might be overdoing it and the boundary setting plays and could infuse some ofthe gift skills to make it a bit more balanced?  All right. So part, part one, and we'll come at you really quickly with part two. So stay tuned for that one.Goodbye.  Thank you to our guests for sharing their stories and their advice. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students, so please reach out by text, email, or voice memo to collegesfindpodcast at gmail. com or 929 500 2231. 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