Latest / Questionable Detour / Attacking people with corn, throwing cats off of trains, and getting your computer searched

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Attacking people with corn, throwing cats off of trains, and getting your computer searched · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first, we're going to make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
All right, so you guys are familiar with public bathrooms, right?
0:27
I pass them from time to time.
0:28
You're two frequent users.
0:31
This may be up your alley, who knows?
0:32
Have you ever been at a urinal and the guy comes up next to you
0:36
and just starts talking to you?
0:37
Yes, it's the worst. Uncomfortable.
0:39
OK, that's that's that's all I had.
0:41
I just wanted to wanted to know what you all felt about that,
0:43
because I had a guy do that to me.
0:44
I was about to say, did you is this experience?
0:46
Yeah, let me I should preface.
0:48
I'm not trying to start doing that.
0:50
I was going to I was going to ask.
0:52
I'm I'm somebody that this happened to.
0:54
You're like pull in the room.
0:55
Yeah, yeah. This is the guy.
0:57
Super nice came up, you know, sitting there peeing.
0:59
He comes up, starts, I assume, peeing as well.
1:02
Hey, check. I didn't check.
1:04
Is it weird if he wasn't peeing? Yeah.
1:07
Yeah. If he just came up beside.
1:09
He could have been playing a gameboy color or something.
1:11
I don't know. I wouldn't.
1:12
I wasn't watching.
1:13
But he just started saying, you know, hey, how's it going?
1:16
And I'm like, going, going good, man. It's coming out.
1:19
It thinks the stream is strong.
1:21
Yeah, yeah. You're not.
1:22
You're like, is he is he asking me how I'm doing emotionally
1:26
or how my bowel movement is going?
1:29
You're having a bowel movement at the urinal.
1:30
I guess not a bowel movement.
1:34
That's why he's talking to you.
1:36
That's why he was inquiring about
1:40
how you were doing, because that needs help, because I was sitting down at the urinal.
1:46
Because because it's a grown man
1:49
having a B.M.
1:52
Or what is it called when you're just peeing?
1:55
I would just be in your taking a leak.
1:57
Urinary movement.
1:59
A urinary movement.
2:01
A urinary release.
2:02
That guy was genuinely concerned because you were facing the wrong direction.
2:08
You're sitting on the urinal and you're like, man,
2:11
this is really using a lot of my leg strength
2:15
because you can't actually sit on it like, yeah, yeah.
2:18
It's like a half squat is what you're doing.
2:20
And you locked eyes with him when you walked up because you saw him
2:23
coming in the bathroom.
2:24
Well, I clocked him when he walked in the door and I just kind of followed him.
2:29
Just tracking.
2:30
You were facing your six at that point, like all the way around.
2:34
Well, OK, at first you frame the guy as weird.
2:37
And now we understand now that we have a clarity that you
2:42
we don't we don't know anything about this guy, though.
2:45
To be to be fair, we don't we don't know what he's into,
2:49
what his proclivities are.
2:51
He could be, in fact, weird.
2:53
No matter what you were doing, are you sure he wasn't on the phone?
2:57
That's a good. That's actually a really good.
2:59
And you were like the weird guy that started interjecting in his phone.
3:02
Well, if you're using a urinal, hang up.
3:05
But like, it'd be weird.
3:06
He was talking to me like, yeah, hey, babe, how are you doing?
3:09
And Alan just over in the urinal next to him, he's like, I'm doing all right.
3:12
I love it when he calls me, babe.
3:15
Yeah, I'm I'm pretty sure can't confirm.
3:18
He could have been he could have had an earbud in the ear.
3:20
I couldn't see, but I'm pretty sure he was talking to me.
3:23
All the rest of the conversation made it seem like I was the primary subject.
3:28
What were some other pieces of the conversation?
3:30
So we can kind of narrow down.
3:31
Maybe he was still talking on the phone and Alan was having a full
3:34
fledged conversation with this guy when he was on the phone.
3:37
We get to the bottom of it.
3:38
So first thing, like I said earlier, he said, you know, hey, how's it going?
3:41
I said, good.
3:43
He said, were you lying?
3:45
I was lying through my teeth.
3:46
Things were not going great.
3:49
You know, he introduced himself.
3:50
And so I said, you know, hey, I'm new here.
3:53
I'm Alan. And he said, new to the urinal, new to the bathroom in general.
3:58
I hadn't been at all since I worked there.
4:00
You're like, I'm exploring my space. Yeah.
4:03
Got a little weirder from there, though.
4:05
It's like, what's your favorite dinosaur?
4:07
No, no, he did not. You weren't there.
4:11
How much is true on this podcast?
4:14
What do you say?
4:15
What was your answer to the dinosaur question?
4:17
Ankylosaurus. Oh, that's a good one.
4:19
That's a good one.
4:21
One of the deeper cuts, I think.
4:23
OK, I'll give it to you.
4:24
Unless he was on the phone with someone, maybe he was talking to customer service
4:28
and there was like a little in the conversation while they were looking
4:30
or like his like his autistic kid or something.
4:33
You know, how long have you been here?
4:34
You know, you like I.T.
4:37
when they're like, give me one second, we patch into this.
4:39
And yeah, it's like typing on his computer and you're just kind of sitting there
4:42
in silence. Give us a give us your best I.T. guy voice.
4:45
All right. OK.
4:46
You want to you want to role play this real quick?
4:48
Maybe give us an example of maybe the situation.
4:51
Ring ring. Hello. Oh,
4:54
you want to start this.
4:55
This is I.T. department of a rotary phone.
5:00
I mean, I can I can put it like a phone now.
5:03
No, you don't have to do it.
5:07
Ring ring.
5:08
Ring ring.
5:20
This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance or training purposes.
5:25
Hello, you've reached the I.T. department. What's your issue?
5:27
Hey, yeah, I can't find my files on my computer.
5:33
Let me check here.
5:34
Did you turn on your computer?
5:36
How do I know?
5:38
I see. Did you say how did you know?
5:40
How would you know? How would I know if it's on?
5:42
Well, this the the screen would be on that this light here,
5:46
the light, do you mean the big box?
5:48
The big, yeah, the big box thing.
5:50
And it has light coming out of it. Is that on?
5:52
Yeah, yes. Is that on? Yeah, yeah.
5:54
OK, OK. What files are we looking for?
5:55
Oh, don't don't think too hard about this.
5:58
It seems weird.
6:01
If you think too hard about this,
6:03
can I get reported for this?
6:05
Or is this like this is like I have immunity here.
6:08
So this isn't like a client attorney privilege situation.
6:11
So I know. But I listen, I'm not here to go through laws with you.
6:17
Just can you tell me the files?
6:18
Yeah. But first, can you promise you won't look at anything you see?
6:22
You just want me to close my eyes?
6:25
As I go through your operating system?
6:27
If that's what you have to do. OK, OK.
6:29
I just or just don't speak about it really outside of this.
6:32
Can you promise me that you promise you won't speak about this?
6:34
Yeah, I'll Stevie Wonder this.
6:37
Stevie Wonder this whole thing here. OK, ready? Here we go.
6:40
Yeah. All right.
6:41
Will you give me control of your computer real quick?
6:43
Yeah. Yeah, here you go.
6:44
I don't know how to do that, but sure.
6:46
OK, here I got it.
6:48
You did not turn it on. That makes sense.
6:50
All right. It's weird.
6:51
Your background is you dressed as a unicorn.
6:55
If you put it up, you put it up as your background.
6:57
That's OK, though. I got that at a convention.
7:00
It's cool. It was cool.
7:02
All right. Files.
7:04
OK, give me one.
7:05
Give me one second here. Let me let me get through this.
7:08
Do you need like a folder name or anything?
7:10
Yeah, go to give me a go to give me a folder.
7:12
Are you have an earpiece in or I'm not on speaker, right?
7:15
No, no, this is speaker.
7:16
It's I have two giant car speakers
7:21
that I am running the search and I'm patched into the whole office.
7:24
Yeah, but there are other people working, so it's just
7:28
it's just audio soup in here.
7:30
Oh, so really nobody's
7:33
hearing you because everybody else is also on loud.
7:36
That's good. That's good.
7:37
I'll just I'll just spell it out. It's easier that it starts with a B
7:44
B. OK, then we lead into an eye.
7:47
OK, after that is a G. OK, big.
7:50
Oh, don't say it out loud.
7:51
OK, let's keep that.
7:53
Oh, that's between you.
7:54
All right. We got you.
7:55
You promised immunity here.
7:57
Well, you said that I should go blind, not that I can't spell. So
8:04
I just kind of noticed by your voice, you probably couldn't spell.
8:07
And then we lead into a space. OK.
8:10
Then there's a big P, a big P, like a bigger than normal P.
8:14
I can only shift P.
8:16
So it's only I can only do one big P. Yeah, that'll be good.
8:22
Then we lead into, you know, OK, and then an N.
8:26
And then there's a little Y hanging on there.
8:29
So you should be able to find that.
8:32
Yeah, OK. Yeah, I got it. A big, big pony.
8:36
Let's go to the one second.
8:38
No, yeah. So how's your day going?
8:41
It's going fine. Are you new here?
8:43
I am not.
8:44
This is the first time I have had to search up the file.
8:47
Big Pony, though. Oh, well, that's
8:49
you work for our Children's Research Hospital.
8:52
So this is kind of a weird file to be on this computer.
8:55
It's scientific, purely scientific research stuff.
9:00
All right. Here's a picture of you with a dog.
9:03
It's your are you marrying this dog?
9:06
If the dog is in a wedding dress.
9:12
It's an adoption.
9:13
The dog has a title on it says pony.
9:16
Do you think dogs are ponies?
9:19
I call everything pony.
9:21
So well, I'm going to go out and tell you to saddle up, Pony.
9:26
The FBI is coming for you.
9:29
Oh, I just I just I just turned you in.
9:34
Not again.
9:38
That issue. Well, I mean, there you go.
9:39
I mean, that's there's a there's a whole situation of an I.T. call.
9:46
What do you think about that, Alan?
9:47
Getting into a glimpse of Evan's computer.
9:49
Yeah, I think big big pony scares me.
9:54
I'm not big on that. Not big on Evan.
9:56
Honestly, I was told there would be immunity here.
10:01
All right. Well, welcome to questionable detour.
10:04
Let's do a hypothetical.
10:06
Can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
10:11
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
10:14
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
10:16
Our listeners will know that we're classy people that only dine
10:21
at five star Michelin restaurants.
10:24
You know, the top of the top, we we bump elbows with the most powerful,
10:29
most influential people of all time.
10:31
But in an effort to be relatable to the common man, to the Saturday worker,
10:37
we're going to talk a little bit about drive throughs and fast food.
10:40
So when you are driving through that long line, you're talking to the box
10:45
and you're talking to the box with just some voice coming out of it.
10:48
And you go up to that window and you grab food that you didn't see be made
10:53
by a bunch of strangers that you paid below ten dollars for.
10:58
That is not at all healthy.
11:00
How are you all handling going through a drive through?
11:03
All right. So as as you mentioned, we generally dine at Cracker Barrel
11:09
or better, I think.
11:11
It's a five star restaurant.
11:14
They they have five stars on their aprons.
11:16
If they're if they're a good employee.
11:18
Yeah. So Cracker Barrel better is the standard.
11:22
But every now and then, if we're in a hurry or somebody else wants something,
11:27
we'll go to a fast food restaurant.
11:29
And when I pull up to the drive through, I just like to just whisper sweet.
11:33
Nothing's in there. You whisper.
11:35
I whisper in the drive. They don't know what I'm ordering.
11:37
Do you roll the window down? No.
11:41
They just can't hear you. I crack it right at the very top.
11:45
You pull up and like, I like a number one with a coke.
11:49
And it's just they don't hear you.
11:50
No, no. Like, sir, can you turn off your engine?
11:55
Can you give us your anything?
11:57
Are you in a Harley?
12:00
Like you're talking so softly, they can't even hear you over your Prius engine.
12:05
Yeah, well, I don't do that.
12:07
If they can't hear me, that's that's on them.
12:09
The customer service, they should come out to my car.
12:12
Yeah. And figure out what I'm trying to say.
12:15
That's how they did it in the 50s.
12:16
Like, why are we so much better than we were in the 50s?
12:19
You know, you you like a lot of things that were based in the 50s, don't you?
12:23
Tread carefully, brother.
12:25
That fast food was better than I'm just going to say.
12:27
OK, well, he's a hot take. Thanks for that. Yeah.
12:31
OK, OK. Controversial opinion.
12:33
You sound like you're very timid in this situation.
12:36
Yeah, I'm I'm afraid. Yeah.
12:39
Like if the worker were to come out to you,
12:42
you would maybe slink back into the back of the car, kind of away from him,
12:46
like a like a abused dog.
12:48
Yeah, I would look like you're familiar with the children's toy, a slinky.
12:51
I would slink like that into the backseat.
12:56
That's how I move when fear really gets me.
13:01
Just one body part at a time. Yep. Yep.
13:04
Slowly. And that's how you move when you're afraid. Yeah. Yeah.
13:08
Most people run.
13:10
I choose a different method.
13:12
You're whispering, you're cracking the window.
13:14
Why are you so scared of the talking box?
13:17
I'm worried they might learn too much about me. Yeah.
13:20
Is that because you immediately give way too much information?
13:24
Yeah, I started off, hey, I'd like a number one with a coke.
13:27
Here is my Social Security number.
13:31
Relevant bank account information.
13:33
I have a weird rash in my head. I have a weird rash.
13:36
And I'm worried that they'll take all that information.
13:40
I'm worried they'll get my voice.
13:42
Ah, yeah. So if I talk normal, that box boxes will know how I sound.
13:47
They're going to be using my voice all over town.
13:49
So you drive up to the fast food restaurant in a tinfoil hat.
13:53
Mm hmm. Lots of conspiracies bouncing around in that car.
13:56
Yeah. Tinfoil hat on the mind. Yeah.
13:59
I've got on a bee suit, you know, just I don't.
14:01
Why? I don't keep bees.
14:03
It just feels like it should protect me.
14:05
So you drive up to the fast food restaurant in a bee suit and a tinfoil hat.
14:10
Yeah. You crack the window and whisper.
14:12
I like how you're so afraid of the danger that you think is going to happen,
14:16
but you're not afraid enough not to go.
14:18
No, I still need to go. I mean, I've I've got to eat somehow.
14:23
But that gives me to the next portion of this is paying for my food. Sure.
14:28
So when I pay for my food, I pull up to the window and that is, by the way,
14:33
for those what a site, what a site or worker.
14:36
There's no way they no way they saw me coming.
14:39
We saw you're coming. You're not incognito.
14:43
They they saw me.
14:44
They just couldn't have guessed that I was going to be.
14:46
Yeah, that's right.
14:47
But when I get up there to pay, I don't pay with money.
14:50
I only pay with corn products like this is worth two corn on the cobs.
14:56
Oh, yeah. It's like so currency for me is kind of like a
15:01
currency is kind of corn based.
15:04
You know, so like a sack of corn kernels, that's like pennies.
15:09
You know, yeah.
15:11
What is the most valuable piece of corn product?
15:15
I'm going to say just a gallon of high fructose corn syrup.
15:21
Liquid gold, as you call it. Liquid gold. Yes.
15:24
You've got like, you know, below that, you've got your full stock.
15:27
OK, you know, I wouldn't be interested to see you pay with full stocks of corn.
15:31
It'd be like a weird jousting situation where you're trying to stick.
15:34
I just kind of just just shoving it through there.
15:36
They're acting like they don't want it, but it's money.
15:40
So they've got to take it.
15:44
They just give you the food to go away.
15:45
I think that's what they've started doing. Yeah.
15:49
Have you tried convincing them that corn is the backbone of America?
15:52
Yeah, I'm like, hey, hold on, let me come in there for a second.
15:54
You guys don't really know.
15:56
You know, you don't know what's going on.
15:57
I got to explain this to you.
15:58
So bring in my stocks and my jugs of syrup.
16:01
It's good you've overcome your fear of them from just five minutes previous.
16:05
Well, once I saw that they seem to be afraid of me.
16:10
Some sort of a superiority complex comes over me,
16:14
and now I'm in charge and maybe they're a leader. I don't know.
16:17
I just got kind of power hungry.
16:19
We'll see. We'll see how things go when I get inside.
16:21
You know, you haven't gotten inside yet. I haven't.
16:24
No, they locked the door.
16:26
I'm walking around the parking lot, getting amped, you know, drinking corn syrup.
16:31
What song? What song are you listening to?
16:33
Oh, get amped up.
16:35
Cotton Eye Joe.
16:36
Cotton Eye Joe. It's a man eater by Hall and Oats.
16:42
How could you not pick a corn song like the Ben corn to on the nose for you?
16:47
Yeah, yeah.
16:48
You're obviously taken seriously.
16:50
Obviously, I know so many corn songs and that's that's not even in question.
16:56
So don't even insinuate that it was just too on the nose.
16:59
Yeah, yeah. You want to be taken seriously.
17:01
You're not. I'm a man of business.
17:03
They're just a little too aggressive for your taste.
17:05
Yeah, yeah. You overcome your fear.
17:07
You're out there in the parking lot. I assume punch dancing.
17:10
Yeah, something like that.
17:11
Very sweaty from the B suit.
17:13
Not a lot of ventilation in there. No, no.
17:16
You go from the conspiracy theorist tinfoil hat guy to the guy
17:20
in a B suit in a tinfoil hat aggressively dancing.
17:24
I think that there's a lot of crossover in conspiracy guys and B suits.
17:28
I don't have any information to prove that,
17:32
but that's just a thought that does come to me.
17:35
They got to be planning for something.
17:36
Yeah. What are they getting all that honey for?
17:41
Have you have you successfully gotten a restaurant to take your currency?
17:46
No, I don't usually I really haven't ever made it in the door,
17:49
to be honest with you. Yeah.
17:50
And using corn is kind of hard to break a window.
17:52
It is. I'm sure you tried.
17:53
It was just kind of annoying.
17:55
Yeah. The clink off the off the window.
17:58
You just kind of throw it one piece at a time and nothing.
18:01
Nothing really happens.
18:03
When's the next time you slinky away?
18:05
I really want to talk about the slinky maneuver that you use.
18:09
So the only time that that happens is if they're if they go get their manager.
18:15
Sure. Because they're just some they're just minimum wage employee
18:18
working on a Saturday.
18:20
You know, they got they're not they're not interested in messing with me.
18:22
Paid enough to care about this guy to be suit punch dancing.
18:25
So they go get Mr. Sowery in the back office.
18:29
They say in dollars an hour, get out, get out of your manager.
18:33
We've got a got a lunatic out here.
18:35
And I'm like, finally, I get to talk to the guy in charge.
18:37
Yeah. Well, he comes out and he hadn't had a good day.
18:41
He had to open this morning, five o'clock in the morning.
18:45
He had to be there, unload the truck.
18:47
I mean, things are things are not going great for my manager
18:50
and just berate me, tells me my currency is worthless,
18:54
tells me I speak like like a Sims character, probably.
19:00
Yeah, yeah. He tells me that I speak like a like a Sims character,
19:03
and it just that dominance puts me in my place.
19:06
And I again, slinky away.
19:09
The roller coaster of your superiority complex is ridiculous.
19:14
It's kind of like a think of it as like a bell curve.
19:17
You know, slinky me is on the bottom of each curve.
19:21
You're slinking away when you feel bad and when you feel good.
19:23
Yeah, yeah. It's and at the top is me surrounded by corn and corn products.
19:30
You feel a big emotion.
19:32
Yeah. You're like a slinky going down some stairs.
19:35
Yeah, that's insane.
19:39
All right, Evan, you're going through a drive through.
19:42
What are you doing?
19:42
What are you doing when you go through a drive through?
19:45
Kind of like Alan, you know, fear drives a lot of what we do here.
19:51
We both know.
19:52
So when I roll up to a drive through, I am always very conscious of my surroundings.
19:57
Some people may say overly conscious of my surroundings.
20:00
I did see the periscope like you see on a submarine coming out the top of your car.
20:06
Yeah, you use that while you're driving.
20:09
Well, it's surround surround view, you know, 360 view.
20:12
You always know what's around you can always be on the lookout for things
20:18
for the red October, you know, for another submarine.
20:21
Just for you know, you'll never be caught off guard with a periscope in your car.
20:26
So taking that in mind, when I pull up to a drive through,
20:30
I want to let the people know kind of be on the lookout as well.
20:33
But kind of when I give my order, you know, I go through.
20:36
Yeah, can I get a bean burrito, a chicken quesadilla?
20:40
Be careful, they're watching.
20:42
And they're like they repeat the order back to me and they say
20:47
a bean burrito and a chicken.
20:49
What was that last piece?
20:50
Oh, nothing else.
20:52
Be careful, they're watching behind you.
20:55
And they're like, I don't know what he's talking about.
20:58
But OK, you know, and they usher me to the window.
21:00
So, Alan, do you want to play the minimum wage worker at the intercom?
21:06
Taking Evans order, I just kind of want to see how this is played out.
21:09
Yeah, I'd love to.
21:21
Hey, welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?
21:26
Yeah, can I get a bean burrito,
21:29
maybe some extra nacho cheese on this?
21:31
Be careful, they're behind you.
21:33
They're always watching.
21:34
Uh huh. What was that last part?
21:37
Oh, I said bean burrito.
21:39
I wanted a chicken quesadilla too, if y'all still had any.
21:42
Yeah, we got them.
21:43
You got them? OK.
21:45
There will be no warning.
21:46
It will come in the night.
21:47
Be careful where you walk.
21:48
And so you say you want some cinnamon twists?
21:54
He's upselling you.
21:57
Yeah, I mean, if that's what it.
21:58
Yeah, I'll take some cinnamon.
22:00
That actually sounds pretty good.
22:01
All right. Yeah, just come on.
22:02
Pull around there to win it.
22:03
Don't don't stop at the first window.
22:04
That was closed off. Go to the next window.
22:06
That's where we're going to get your order done at.
22:08
Thank you. Oh, thanks.
22:10
So once I make it to the window, I assume you'll pull up to the window
22:14
and it's a man wearing a straw hat and overall.
22:19
By the way, Alan, barefoot on a dirty floor back there.
22:23
Man with a trying to sell me corn.
22:25
Yeah. So I get up to the window and, you know, I'm kind of just
22:30
always looking around, obviously, sweating because I have
22:34
what some people call paranoia. Yeah.
22:36
And, you know, maybe I look over and I see
22:40
what I think is a red laser on the guy's chest.
22:43
I jump through the window. I tackle him.
22:45
Oh, because you're selfless. I'm selfless.
22:48
And I just know that, hey, any moment something could happen.
22:51
Red laser is never a good thing. Alan, follow me here.
22:54
I think Evan knows he's going to be wrong about this
22:57
since there's nobody watching him and he's the one with the laser
23:01
pointing it at this poor guy taking his order and just to tackle him.
23:05
I think he's got a laser attached to his periscope
23:10
and he's he's pointing it while looking at the guy in the window.
23:18
That could be true.
23:19
I'm not going to say either way.
23:21
I do yell sniper, get down, tackle him to the window
23:24
and then give him a couple of pets on the head and make sure he's OK.
23:27
Sure. OK. You've been arrested for assault.
23:32
No. Now I'm just thinking that Evan is claiming that people are watching
23:37
this poor man. He's right behind you, quote unquote.
23:40
Evan, are you the people that you're warning this guy about?
23:43
Well, yes and no, which is always a good answer.
23:47
Yeah. So I don't go into it thinking, hey, I'm going to eventually
23:51
be behind this guy.
23:54
Hmm. I know it's great. That's good.
23:56
That's a good phrase. A great sentence.
24:00
But it just always ends up that I'm behind a guy.
24:05
Uh huh.
24:07
I don't know how this keeps happening.
24:09
Sometimes I'm at a six, sometimes I'm at a nine.
24:14
I just like to keep it fresh, you know, it's just wherever we end up on the floor.
24:18
Oh, God.
24:19
Oh, you're probably behind the guy somewhere, just in a ghillie suit,
24:24
like in the bushes, being the person that you're saying is watching him.
24:29
Yeah. I mean, I try to go out there.
24:31
Kind of like before I pull into the drive through, I sit out there
24:34
a little bit through the night.
24:35
So maybe he'll get a glimpse of me through the window.
24:37
And so when I start whispering it to him, he's like, oh, he gets it.
24:40
Starting to make sense a little bit.
24:42
You know, there was a man in a poorly made ghillie suit in the parking lot,
24:46
not even with the other leaves and grass.
24:49
But it wasn't because it's a parking lot.
24:51
It wasn't a ghillie suit made out of leaves and grass.
24:54
It was like gravel strapped to like pieces of double sided tape
24:59
and some cardboard that kind of fell out of the dumpster.
25:02
Yeah.
25:03
This side is just sitting in the parking lot now.
25:05
But at least you won't be called a liar because I mean, you made it true.
25:08
Yeah. And I'll be seen as a hero,
25:12
which isn't why I do it.
25:13
But it's a good perk.
25:17
Are you doing all this so that they'll give you a job?
25:20
You want to work at Taco Bell?
25:22
I mean, times have been tough lately.
25:23
I mean, the guy that took your order did it was not literate.
25:26
Yeah.
25:27
The qualifications are low.
25:30
What do they have that I don't?
25:31
How long are you following the the worker, the employee
25:35
after you go through the drive through?
25:37
Do you order through the drive through, get your food and then go inside?
25:40
I mean,
25:43
just eat in front of him, just sit at a table and watch him.
25:46
Yeah.
25:48
Yeah.
25:49
That would check out in the ghillie suit
25:52
and the cardboard, the gravel ghillie suit.
25:55
Yeah.
25:55
So he knows that it was actually me the whole time.
25:58
Really never wanted to be incognito.
26:01
You just
26:02
mental illness comes in all shapes and sizes.
26:05
I'm going to go away from the whole tin foil hat thing that you two have seemed
26:09
to adopted.
26:12
Here's what I do when I go through the drive through.
26:15
I am a competitive guy, right?
26:17
I see something I think I can do it better.
26:20
And fast food restaurants are no different.
26:22
So I'll go through,
26:24
I'll go through the drive through and I'll start ordering at the at the menu.
26:29
They'll come over the speaker and I'll be ordering.
26:32
And they just hear a faint Asian music playing in the background.
26:35
Go ahead and give me some Asian music there, Alan, just to kind of
26:38
set the mood for everybody.
26:40
Bum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
26:45
Ha ha ha ha.
26:47
I'm so glad you did that and I didn't.
26:55
That was that was that was the single from Alan called Bum Dong Dong.
27:02
Anyway,
27:04
anyway, that's what they hear in the background.
27:07
And the order goes pretty much normal.
27:10
Other than that, when I pull up to the window in my 1998 Volkswagen bug,
27:19
sexy round, not a straight line on that car.
27:23
Erby.
27:25
What they see in these untinted windows is a whole feudal Chinese fish market
27:32
stretching from the dash back to the back seat.
27:36
And it is packed.
27:37
It is packed full of old Asian men wheeling and dealing in different types
27:42
of seafood with that same music going to give me the same music again.
27:46
I'll set the mood here.
27:48
Hit the play button, hit the play button.
27:49
Bum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
27:53
That's it.
27:54
Yeah.
27:57
Cigarette smoke is just billowing out here.
28:00
Lots of cigarettes.
28:02
It smells like fish.
28:03
This is dice being played.
28:05
Tossing against the window.
28:07
And my my old Asian man, he could be 90.
28:11
He could be one hundred and twenty five.
28:12
You don't know Bo Ching Fing.
28:14
He's sitting in the front seat with just like a pencil behind his ear,
28:19
just yelling in Chinese at the at the poor worker inside,
28:24
making sure I get the best deal from the worker.
28:28
And it's a trade. Like I said, I'm very competitive.
28:31
I'm trying to sell the various fish and other seafood back to the
28:37
the worker inside the window.
28:39
He gives me the bag of food I ordered.
28:42
I'm offering him squid, you know, like a sea urchin, like on a stick, I think.
28:48
So you're straight up bartering or are you actually giving him money as well?
28:51
I'm bartering. I never showed up with money.
28:54
Yeah. The economy of the fish market
28:56
in the car doesn't have a lot of cash flowing in it.
29:00
It's just fish being passed around by about five old Asian men.
29:06
A lot of the cash investment seems like it went into the 1998 Volkswagen.
29:11
Yeah.
29:13
That wasn't even my car.
29:15
It was Bo Ching Fing's car.
29:16
I was going to ask that.
29:18
So you you didn't set up the fish market in there.
29:21
It just kind of came with the vehicle
29:23
already, kind of its own little complex ecosystem.
29:26
Yeah. And I just got in the car and they were so busy, you know, trading and
29:31
dealing fish to each other, they even notice you started driving.
29:34
Yeah, I just started driving.
29:36
And I, you know, I just kind of assimilated
29:38
into the into the society that is little China.
29:40
You've been driving ever since I've been driving ever since I put on like a headband,
29:44
you know, like a like a like a samurai warrior, which is not Chinese.
29:48
I didn't ask them a lot about their history.
29:52
You know, I didn't really delve into what they were.
29:55
I don't speak the language.
29:56
But let me tell you, do you look like you would speak the language?
29:59
I get that a lot
30:01
as a white male from the the south of the United States.
30:04
You would guess what country they're from the same way that like our grandparents
30:08
would assume they're all just they're all Chinese.
30:11
Chinese.
30:12
That's very true. They could be Vietnamese.
30:13
I didn't ask. But let me tell you, my friend Bo Ching Fing, they'll fight for it.
30:17
He's fought for me every time I go up to a fast food restaurant.
30:20
He doesn't let me get away with a bad deal.
30:23
Is he fighting for you or is he fighting for the economy of the fish market?
30:26
He's fighting for both, but he's literally fighting.
30:29
I mean, the moment I pull up to the window,
30:33
you will see this 93 year old Asian man backflip right outside the window.
30:37
And he'll do like a Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee type almost.
30:41
It seems so smooth that it's almost a dance, but it's karate moves.
30:45
Just out in the parking lot, just looking, staring down the poor worker.
30:50
Like the worker is not going to the worker is not going to fight him, obviously.
30:53
Training scene out of Mulan.
30:55
It's exactly what it is.
30:56
I get out there with them like it's like turns into a montage.
31:00
Both dancing on trees.
31:01
Yeah, punch and, you know, breaking boards.
31:06
Like also in Mulan, she's dressed as a man.
31:10
Are you dressed as a woman? Yes.
31:12
OK, I have the kimono on with like the block shoes.
31:16
Yeah, I'm twisting my ankle constantly.
31:18
My ankle is turning over.
31:21
I do think that's Japanese again.
31:24
Again, I did not really I did not really ask them.
31:28
OK, but yeah, it's the training montage
31:30
of every karate movie you ever see out there in the McDonald's parking lot.
31:35
It has the as the classic Chinese music over it.
31:37
You want to give me that?
31:38
Bum, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog.
31:42
That's not a hit of Star Wars in it.
31:45
Star Wars in it.
31:46
What? How did the first one go?
31:48
I don't know. I don't remember evolving into the Emperor's March.
31:52
Yeah.
31:53
Bum, bum, bum.
31:56
But then training can't last all day.
31:57
I got to get back in the car.
31:58
Yeah. Get the get the fish market economy pumping.
32:01
You have to fight in the market.
32:04
Yeah, the a lot of the old Asian men, they have very short fuses.
32:08
So there's a lot of slapping.
32:10
So it seems so unlike them.
32:11
Yeah, just slapping each other just as quickly as possible.
32:15
Just turning around, slapping in mid driving.
32:17
It's swerving.
32:19
Fish is fish are going everywhere.
32:21
They slap you with the fish or with their open hand.
32:23
They've been known to slap me with the fish.
32:24
They're very intuitive.
32:26
You don't get much fast food, do you?
32:28
I get a lot of food fast,
32:31
but it's not necessarily fast food.
32:32
But you don't actually usually don't drive away with a lot of food, do you?
32:36
Well, no.
32:37
And nobody else gets the food because by the time we get to the window,
32:41
a bunch of fights have broken out in the car.
32:43
Yeah.
32:43
Is you know, and we block the window.
32:45
Nobody's getting past us.
32:46
We're just it's just a car with six people, one white guy
32:52
dressed as an Asian woman.
32:56
Yes, just we're all slapping each other.
32:58
It's just slightly fish.
33:00
People are like, they'll work it out.
33:02
Not going to get between that, but it doesn't stop in the car.
33:05
Like we've become best friends.
33:07
It's turned into like a 90 sitcom where we just kind of go with each other to.
33:12
The sitcom is called Let's Chopsticks Together.
33:15
And it has like it has a very fun like intro.
33:18
And it's just like me and I, you know, you know how, you know,
33:20
how the characters look at the camera and smile and give like a gesture.
33:24
Really 90s. Yeah.
33:25
And it's like me and then it's my my five Asian friends.
33:28
But Zach's Zach's gesture is when the camera pans to him.
33:33
He's like fumbling with chopsticks.
33:35
Then he just kind of looks disheveled at the camera.
33:38
And it's just it's my five Asian old man just shaking their head at me.
33:42
Yeah, it ran for one season.
33:46
Let's Chopsticks Together.
33:48
Too much fighting over fish.
33:49
Yeah, the narrative never really changed.
33:53
It was a lot plot to a lot of episodes.
33:57
But that's how we handle going to drive throughs.
34:00
We might be scared of the employees like Alan and kind of slinky his way around
34:06
the car, but then all of a sudden to get a vote of confidence and try to overpower
34:13
them, I think. Yeah, that was that was the gist of it.
34:17
Yeah.
34:17
We could also be like Evan, who warns people that somebody's watching them.
34:22
But then he himself is the person watching them.
34:25
So that's be the change you want to see.
34:27
Yeah.
34:29
All right. You know, you could be like me.
34:31
Have lots of friends, but a specific set of friends.
34:34
Very specific, all crammed into a Volkswagen, all crammed into a 1998
34:39
Volkswagen Beetle. Well, there you go.
34:41
So we never want to neglect helping people learn and we never want to neglect
34:47
what's happening out in the world because I know people come here to escape on the
34:50
question of the tour. You know, the world's rough and people just need to get away.
34:55
But we're not going to let them get away from what's going on in the world.
34:58
So we're going to turn it over to our sister station, Cutie NPR, to let us know
35:03
about current events that are happening out in the world.
35:14
Welcome to Cutie NPR.
35:16
I am Zacchaeus.
35:18
I am joined here with my compadres, Evanescence and Alejandro.
35:22
Today, we have a riveting story from the great, great country of Russia.
35:28
I'm going to pass it over to Alejandro.
35:31
Alejandro, what is today's story?
35:33
Thank you, Zacchaeus.
35:35
A pet cat was recently thrown off a train and died in cold weather.
35:40
Now thousands want the conductor to lose her job.
35:44
It begs the question, how many owners did this cat have?
35:48
Did he have thousands of owners?
35:50
Everyone says they're like a spirit on the wind.
35:54
No one can harness them and own them.
35:56
Alejandro, was that was your source for that quote Native American person?
36:03
Yes, my source was a Native American born and raised in Russia.
36:09
I want to pass it over to Evanescence,
36:11
who is a resident expert about throwing cats off trains.
36:17
Evanescence, what was the velocity and trajectory of the cat coming off of this
36:23
locomotive? The thing people don't always
36:25
understand when it comes to cats being thrown off trains is just how good they
36:32
are at landing on their feet.
36:34
So when you're really trying to injure a cat, when you're throwing it off a train,
36:40
you got to make sure you tie up its legs first.
36:44
It can't land on its feet,
36:46
but you want to send it at a horizontal speed of at least 35 miles per hour.
36:52
Once you get that, you know it's going to separate itself from the air pocket
36:58
of the train and really make a good impact on the ground.
37:04
If they land on their feet and then their head and their feet and their head and
37:07
their feet, that happens.
37:10
Evanescence, as the resident expert of cats being thrown off
37:13
locomotives, what would you rate the train conductor's toss?
37:17
In technique, I got to give it only a six to a seven out of ten.
37:21
So in societal impact, ten out of ten.
37:27
It does seem like he he had a far reach, even if the throw was not very far.
37:35
The cat may not have gone far, but her spirit did.
37:40
I'm going to pass it back to Anhundra,
37:42
who is our boots on the ground journalist, Anhundra in Russia right now.
37:47
What is the attitude and atmosphere of the residents of this town?
37:52
Yes, Akezi, thousands are up in arms over the death of this cat.
37:57
Currently, they have the train conductor just chained to a wall.
38:04
They are hurling cats.
38:07
They're hurling cats.
38:09
They are hurling cats, both living and dead
38:14
at the train conductor, really giving them a taste of his own medicine.
38:18
Yes.
38:19
Many things have come out about this train
38:21
conductor since throwing the cat from the train.
38:25
This train conductor is someone who eats mayonnaise on a hot dog.
38:28
Oh, God. Disgusting.
38:30
He was a terrorist to begin with.
38:32
Also was on Epstein's flight logs.
38:36
Those two are the same thing.
38:39
Now, Anhundra, do you have an interview from a local for us?
38:44
Yeah.
38:47
You don't, but just go ahead and grab the guy behind you.
38:50
Hold on.
38:52
Now, Anhundra, here we have a sound bite
38:54
from a Russian local on the matter, so we're going to go ahead and play that.
39:00
Hello, this is Russian local.
39:03
I want to say that I love cat.
39:06
I love cat when they are wild and big like tiger.
39:10
I love cat when they are small like little kitten.
39:13
I do not think that people should be throwing them from the trains.
39:17
Should only throw enemies of the Kremlin from trains.
39:23
Cat do nothing wrong to Russian parties.
39:26
Only throw enemies of the state.
39:29
Now, Anhundra, as you're as you are there in Russia,
39:32
what's the overall atmosphere of the people?
39:33
What are they saying?
39:35
Yes, Akezius, there are more mourners here than I would have ever imagined.
39:39
You would you think of Russia as a happy place.
39:45
Everyone is distraught.
39:47
It's safe to say 100 percent it's all because of this cat.
39:51
I can't think of a single other reason for them to be this upset.
39:55
There have been some groups popping up,
39:58
picket signs protesting the life of this person, this conductor.
40:03
One of the groups that came out is Why That Cat Goes Splat.
40:12
They're confused about a situation.
40:16
They just saw the aftermath.
40:19
They didn't see how it happened.
40:21
These people showed up after.
40:24
They're not even sure who the conductor is and why he's hated so much.
40:30
They're a bandwagon group.
40:32
Yeah, the group We Need To Feel Fine For The Fee Line is also in attendance,
40:39
supporting the punishment to the conductor.
40:43
There's actually been some new stations
40:45
that have popped up in honor of this cat's death.
40:48
Kind of as a memoriam, this new station called What's New Pussycat?
40:53
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
40:57
They kind of added that on the end.
40:59
And it does make the name a little long.
41:02
But I think it speaks to the fact that they were caught by surprise.
41:06
They are in the whoa.
41:08
In fact, there's another group that were also caught by surprise by this incident.
41:13
The group We Did Not Pussy That Coming.
41:19
They did not see the events transpire and now they are confused.
41:26
There is a group against the train conductor named Let's Run A Train On Him.
41:35
That does not like him.
41:42
Many people against the train conductor feel like the train should have been
41:47
going at a slower speed. They said it should have just been Putin around.
41:52
Alan, I think I heard their slogan for that group was actually,
41:57
why are they always Russian?
42:03
When the dogs were told about this cat's untimely death, they just said Soviet.
42:14
For the first time in the history of Russia, a tragedy has struck.
42:18
Unfortunately, this is the tragedy.
42:22
We will be keeping you updated as we get updates ourselves.
42:27
But for this episode of QDNPR, I'm Zackezius for Evanescence in Alejandro.
42:33
Good night.
42:34
Listen, we always want to thank the QDNPR guys really just keeping us abreast
42:51
to the situations around the world.
42:53
I really I don't know what I would do without them.
42:56
I wouldn't know anything that's happening outside of my immediate vicinity.
43:01
They always just know so much.
43:03
If you want the surface stories, go to CNN, go to Fox News.
43:07
Blah, you know, but if you want the actual stuff that's impacting our world,
43:12
QDNPR, that's the way to go.
43:15
We follow the shadow realm.
43:17
They follow the shadow realm.
43:19
You're like dressed in like a wizard cloak right now.
43:21
They follow the shadow realm, the stuff you can't see.
43:27
But, you know, we trust the QDNPR to be up on current events,
43:32
but you can trust us here at Questionable D2R to be the wisest people you know.
43:36
Let's help people out with their life problems.
43:39
How can I help?
43:41
What can I do?
43:42
I want to do a nice thing for you.
43:45
I need help. All right.
43:47
Our first request comes from a longtime listener, fan of the pod, Jondro.
43:54
He says, Hello, detourist.
43:56
This is Jondro once again.
43:58
Coming to you seeking advice.
43:59
My brother and sister-in-law have been together for eight years,
44:03
and my sister-in-law, Cassie, is a beloved member of our family.
44:07
Unfortunately, so is their dog, Sadie.
44:10
OK, unfortunately, they all they all hate the dog.
44:15
For some unknown reason, me and my parents and even my extended family
44:19
constantly mix up Cassie and Sadie's name, and it's terribly embarrassing every time.
44:24
How can we fix this?
44:25
Thanks a million and keep up the great work.
44:28
Oh, well, welcome back, Jondro.
44:30
Man, you always you have a lot of problems.
44:34
You got a lot of problems that need fixing, and I'm glad you come to us for it.
44:38
So it seems like from his email that he just classic mix up here,
44:43
you know, classic getting a human being mixed up with a dog happens to us all the
44:48
time. Well, I Jondro tough, tough situation you got here.
44:52
Here's the thing, man.
44:53
You have wires getting crossed all over the place.
44:55
And my advice to you was is to remove a wire.
44:58
You cannot cross wires when there's only one wire.
45:01
So here's what you do. Cassie or Sadie.
45:02
I don't even remember which one it is.
45:04
I'm getting it mixed up now.
45:05
I understand your problem.
45:07
Here's what you do. Get rid of the dog, euthanize the dog.
45:10
And here's how you do it.
45:11
You're not going to take it to a vet.
45:13
You're not going to old yeller it in the
45:15
backyard with a pump action 12 gauge shotgun.
45:18
Here's what you do. Build a platform,
45:20
execute it as if it were an adulterer in the sixteen hundreds.
45:25
Go ahead and put a noose around his neck,
45:26
put it back over its head and just pull the lever and let it go.
45:30
Then if the dog's no longer there,
45:32
you can get Sadie or Cassie's name right, whatever her name is.
45:37
I think that's good advice.
45:40
It's aggressive towards the dog.
45:42
Well, well, here's the thing.
45:44
In his email, it said, unfortunately, you know, he doesn't seem like he likes a dog.
45:50
So I'm kind of removing two problems.
45:52
I'm getting rid of the issue where they're
45:53
getting mixed up and also getting rid of the dog.
45:56
Also sounds like the origin story of one Jeffrey Dahmer.
45:59
Yeah.
46:01
Listen, John, don't don't revel in it.
46:04
OK, don't be happy.
46:06
Don't be too happy.
46:07
You know, John, you're good to hear from me again.
46:09
Old friend. I'm not going to say the same thing.
46:11
I did.
46:13
I'm not going to be as aggressive.
46:15
I will say one thing the same exact though.
46:17
Yes, there's two wires and yes, you're getting them crossed.
46:20
So you might as well fuse that wire, those two wires together.
46:27
I want you to treat Cassie and Sadie the same.
46:32
Stop trying to differentiate them.
46:35
Fuse their names so they have one name now, and that's Cassidy.
46:38
Yeah.
46:39
And then you'll call each one of them Cassidy.
46:40
So you never get their name mixed up because you're saying both of their names
46:45
at the same time and you'll never be wrong.
46:47
Then you can feed them both out of a bowl on the ground.
46:51
Really bit toward the dog side.
46:53
You know, you can let her use the toilet, I guess.
46:59
What else do humans do that dogs don't?
47:01
I don't know. Teach the dog how to talk.
47:03
How fused do you want it to be?
47:05
Is this like a human centipede situation?
47:06
Oh, God.
47:07
Again, it's like we said in Zach's, don't revel in it.
47:13
But it's OK to be weird.
47:14
But don't be happy that you're being weird.
47:17
But do it human centipede style.
47:19
I wouldn't go that far.
47:20
Maybe conjoin them at the hip.
47:22
Oh, maybe we'll do that.
47:23
Oh, yeah. But suture them together.
47:25
Maybe just like put a big like put a big band around them, you know, keep it
47:29
together. Yeah, like a belt tie them together.
47:32
And just go between treating them as a human and a dog.
47:35
Yeah.
47:36
Whenever it works best for you.
47:38
It's a cat dog situation, but it's a human dog.
47:41
Yeah. Oh, that's a good one.
47:43
That would make it easy just fusing them together and call them Cassidy.
47:47
All right, Alan, what's your advice for John?
47:50
Johnny, as my compadres here have mentioned about your wires, you don't have them
47:55
cross, you don't don't fuse them, you don't even have your wires plugged in, son.
48:00
No power.
48:01
There's no there's no power.
48:03
Find Cassie's birth certificate, change it to Sadie, then start slowly changing
48:08
every legal document that Cassie has to the name of Sadie.
48:12
Then eventually you will be the right one.
48:15
And everybody calling her Cassie will be wrong.
48:18
I think it's a simple fix.
48:19
And honestly, I'm not really sure why I needed to ask for our help.
48:22
Go through the complexity and bureaucracy
48:25
of legal channels and change her name to the dog.
48:32
Don't change the dog's name.
48:33
No, don't don't worry about that.
48:36
They tend to not live as long as humans.
48:38
You want him to spend the amount of money to have all that changed?
48:43
I think so.
48:43
I'm not going to say it's the only way to do it.
48:46
Your only other options are to fuse them or kill the dog.
48:49
So when you have to legally do one of these, because that's how this game works,
48:56
I'm going to say mine's the easiest one to accomplish.
48:58
We would like to remind everybody as well as John Jorah, when you when you write
49:02
in for advice to the podcast, you legally have to do one of these.
49:06
But you can do all of them.
49:07
But you legally have to do one of them,
49:09
which is a very interesting thing if you did all of these together.
49:13
If you killed the dog, attached it to the sister in law and then changed her name
49:18
to the dead dog, she's got a dog carcass sutured to her body.
49:24
She's taking on its name.
49:27
You know what? I take that back.
49:29
That's the best thing.
49:32
Really sound advice, boys.
49:33
Let's let's shake hands real quick.
49:36
But there you go, John.
49:37
I hope that helps.
49:39
I hope Cassie or Sadie again, we're getting our wires.
49:42
We don't know which is which. No way to be sure.
49:44
I show them this.
49:45
Maybe maybe she can pick which one she does, seeing as she's the one involved.
49:50
This next request for advice comes from one James.
49:55
James asks, how do you like yourself?
49:58
I'm a twenty seven year old male here lately.
50:00
I don't I just don't like myself.
50:01
I'm annoying and I have nothing interesting to say.
50:04
What is some advice on how to fix that?
50:06
It's depressing.
50:07
Yeah, James, man, I'm sorry.
50:09
Let me go ahead and say, James, your email was very boring, very short.
50:13
Really nothing setting you apart from anything else.
50:16
I will say he's come to the right place,
50:17
though, as we all just left that phase been there.
50:20
That was tough year for us.
50:23
Oh, but James, I'm glad you wrote in to the three wisest people,
50:27
but the three most interesting people.
50:29
So guys, what do we do for James?
50:31
How do you help him out?
50:32
James, the thing is, I'm sure my compatriots here would agree.
50:38
The thing about being interesting is not necessarily being interesting yourself.
50:42
It's about knowing interesting people.
50:44
So what I would suggest for you, James,
50:46
is to go down to your local homeless park and just kind of get into the culture.
50:52
You know, dive in headfirst into what all the homeless people are doing.
50:56
See what got them there, what ailments they have.
51:00
Maybe one of them has a severe schizophrenia.
51:04
That's really interesting.
51:06
He has a lot of people around him.
51:08
He's not a bored person.
51:09
Yeah. You'll constantly be hearing from him.
51:13
So and all of his friends.
51:14
Yeah.
51:16
So, yeah, I would just say immerse yourself in homelessness.
51:18
I think homelessness is the most interesting thing you could be.
51:21
Yeah, you know, because there's got to be a story there.
51:24
Not a happy one.
51:26
Say you need to be happy.
51:27
Just interesting. Just interesting.
51:28
Yeah, he said he didn't say I'm sad.
51:31
He didn't say I'm depressed.
51:32
He just said, I'm not interesting.
51:34
Yeah. And hey, getting some weird disease after a homeless man coughs on you.
51:38
Yeah. And maybe catching a mental disorder.
51:41
Very interesting.
51:42
And maybe he accidentally sticks something
51:43
in a random hole that you're not sure why it was there.
51:46
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
51:47
As you were asleep.
51:48
Yeah.
51:50
Don't worry about that.
51:52
Evan got out of his weird uninteresting phase very specifically.
51:56
Yeah.
51:57
All right, Alan, how do you hope and James be more interesting?
52:00
So Evan mentioned meet interesting people.
52:03
I'm going to say carry interesting things around with you.
52:06
Absolutely. Like I'll give you some examples.
52:09
You could be the kind of guy that carries and uses a switchblade comb.
52:15
Everybody knows that kind of guy.
52:18
You can see him coming from a mile away and everybody's got hair is gleaning on.
52:23
Yes, yes.
52:25
He is he has got so much product in his hair
52:29
and he's always flicking that switchblade comb open and closed.
52:33
He's not so interesting.
52:35
You have a switchblade.
52:36
No, no.
52:38
But he wants you.
52:39
He wants you to look at it and think, huh, I wonder what that is.
52:43
Or you could be a guy that just carries around a lasso.
52:46
Oh, that's actually really cool.
52:48
I like that.
52:48
I mean, you can learn how to go grab things with it.
52:51
Yeah.
52:51
What's it like to just always be able to grab things in the vicinity of you?
52:55
Yeah.
52:57
From a little bit further than your arms.
52:59
Yeah.
52:59
As long as they're cylindrical and able to be grasped.
53:03
How great would it be to not have to get up and walk 10 feet?
53:08
Could you combine these two things?
53:09
Could you have a switchblade comb and also a lasso?
53:12
Would you recommend that?
53:13
I would.
53:14
I would 100 percent recommend that.
53:17
That's actually now what I think he should do is those are two strong choices
53:23
that when combined, I think gets him where he needs to be as a 29 year old.
53:28
Absolutely.
53:29
That's good. Just the combination.
53:30
He never said he wanted to be cool.
53:32
He just said interesting.
53:34
He said he was boring, I think.
53:36
I mean, I think when you read between the lines.
53:39
Yeah.
53:39
He said he didn't feel like going on anymore.
53:43
If you read between the lines, that's there wasn't that many lines.
53:48
There was a lot of subtext there.
53:51
I was really diving into a psyche.
53:53
Doesn't live up to his dad's, you know, tough.
53:57
Well, here you go, James.
53:58
Here's what I do.
53:59
Don't do what either of Allen and Evans said.
54:02
Don't put any effort in.
54:03
You don't have to go live with a village of homeless people.
54:06
You don't have to carry around interesting objects.
54:09
Here's what you do.
54:10
Just lie.
54:11
Just be a compulsive liar.
54:13
It's as easy as that.
54:15
You can make anything come true in somebody's mind if you lie about it.
54:21
He's right.
54:21
Tell them that you were on the top story
54:25
of the World Trade Center on that fateful day in September so long ago.
54:29
Tell them that that's the most that's very interesting.
54:32
Right. Tell them you were on the Titanic saving the women children in the lifeboat.
54:37
You jumped in the lifeboat.
54:38
You're interesting.
54:39
You're you're not brave.
54:42
You were in the lifeboat.
54:43
That's how I mean.
54:44
And also, that's how you survived.
54:45
I mean, it makes the connection.
54:47
Be a smart liar, but lie.
54:48
Tell them you were a stunt double for Nick Cage in the classic
54:52
National Treasure 2 Book of Secrets.
54:58
Tell them you drove light speed around a racetrack.
55:05
Buzz Lightyear in your back seat.
55:08
You went to defeat Emperor Zerg.
55:12
Sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance.
55:18
The point is, James, lie.
55:19
Don't put any effort in.
55:20
Just lie. You want to be interesting?
55:22
Lie about it.
55:23
I'd argue that that's how most interesting people are interesting.
55:26
They just lie. They embellish.
55:27
So there you go, James.
55:29
Again, legally, we have to remind you that you have to pick one of these,
55:32
but you can do all of them, I guess.
55:34
So either live in a homeless camp,
55:36
take on the persona and life-save a homeless person, or you could carry around
55:41
very cool things such as Switchblade comb or lasso or both.
55:45
Or you could just lie about it all.
55:47
Just lie. There you go.
55:48
Dispensing wisdom for free.
55:50
Selfless here.
55:51
We're the wisest people.
55:53
We're the most selfless people.
55:55
But as we continue on, we're going to give out just a couple more wisdoms.
56:00
So what are a couple one-liner wisdoms for the Saturday Workers?
56:04
They say the early bird gets the worm.
56:07
But if you have a lot of bird friends,
56:09
why don't you just all get together and eat a horse?
56:16
You can make a bust of your head, but you don't want to bust your head walking
56:22
around a construction site, looking down at your phone,
56:25
maybe a stray piece of rebar sticking out of the side.
56:29
And you're unlucky, wrong place at the wrong time.
56:34
Did you notice the gauze on his head wrapped around his head?
56:37
Yeah.
56:37
Okay.
56:38
I just want to make sure we connect the dots there.
56:41
It's words to live by, for sure.
56:45
Wise.
56:47
But there you go.
56:48
If you have a hypothetical you want us to answer, you need advice from the three
56:52
wisest people, or you have a subject that you want to know facts about.
56:56
Question or detour podcast at gmail.com, write us, tell us about it.
57:01
Tell your friends, get them in on this.
57:04
Let's start a cult.
57:05
But
57:08
they ought to be done.
57:10
Before you push any more narratives.
57:12
Yeah.
57:19
All right, Yuri, to increase the speed of the train.
57:22
Yes, conductor, the train is being increased in speed.
57:29
Yuri, we have one extra feline on him.
57:32
He does not have a ticket.
57:34
He does not deserve to be on locomotive.
57:37
Hmm.
57:38
Do we say we throw him off?
57:39
I think we'd be efficient.
57:42
We cannot stop the train.
57:43
We have no brakes.
57:44
This is Russia.
57:45
No. Can cat fuel train?
57:48
We could throw him in furnace, but it really, really
57:52
not as fun. We can't see burn.
57:55
Hey, guys, I just want to pipe in here.
57:57
I kind of got sent over here from America.
58:00
He does not have a ticket either.
58:03
I've been shoveling coal back here, listening in.
58:06
Don't think we should throw the cat off the train.
58:08
Just going to throw that out there for one.
58:10
I think there's going to be thousands of people not going to like that.
58:14
Vlad, what if we put cat in his hand and throw him off?
58:18
Yes, he neither have ticket,
58:20
neither really doing good job shoveling coal.
58:24
Again, I want to pipe in.
58:26
Doesn't sound good to me.
58:28
Don't like it.
58:29
Just here on vacation.
58:31
Listen, how about this?
58:32
Plausible deniability.
58:33
Tell him to throw cat off local motive.
58:36
Seeing as I was the one that didn't want you all to throw it off,
58:38
I don't know why I'm throwing it off.
58:40
Did you just hear him say he wants to throw cat off?
58:42
I don't speak English.
58:45
I hear him say he wants to throw feline off.
58:48
Hold on.
58:49
I just heard you speak perfect English there.
58:53
No.
58:55
Okay, Nia, listen, listen.
58:57
Here, understand English here.
58:59
You do not throw cat off.
59:00
We throw you off.
59:01
You choose.
59:02
You're not the martyr.
59:03
You're throwing cat off because we can't get away from this story.
59:08
Try to size this cat up to see how many lives it has left.
59:12
Go ahead. Go and throw it off.
59:13
I want to say I don't like this.
59:14
I'm going to do it. We don't care.
59:17
I sold my mom into slavery.
59:19
We don't care.
59:20
We go one, two, three.
59:26
It was a CC throw.
59:27
It was not good throw.
59:29
It was softball throw.