Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Women Can't Be Sexually Open With A Negative, Closed, Critical Guy

Transcript

Women Can't Be Sexually Open With A Negative, Closed, Critical Guy · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show today, I am talking about how women cannot
• 0:11
  be sexually open with a - closed or critical man.
• 0:15
  And I just did a podcast on how most men don't criticize their
• 0:19
  wives in bed that would subscriber only.
• 0:22
  So, if your subscriber, then you could hear that one a paid
• 0:25
  subscriber. So I'm not going to talk about
• 0:28
  The Men Who criticize their wives in bed because that's its
• 0:31
  own animal. And I just talked about that and
• 0:35
  its own Own podcast. So the one I'm talking about
• 0:37
  today is that if you are a negative guy, your wife cannot
• 0:43
  be sexually open with you or open it any other way.
• 0:46
  But you may care the most about sexually open and I'll discuss
• 0:49
  that right after I tell you to subscribe to get the podcast.
• 0:51
  That is basically the companion piece to this one as well as
• 0:55
  over 100 others. So it's a fair percentage of the
• 0:58
  podcast and oral sex on women is usually the major seller but
• 1:02
  there are literally loads of them that People subscribe and
• 1:06
  then they are all excited because they see like this whole
• 1:09
  glut of awesome episodes and that isn't just me saying it,
• 1:13
  people think they're awesome. I personally like have no idea
• 1:19
  how anybody listen to a podcast but apparently I am just a freak
• 1:23
  because everybody loves podcast so I should have done this years
• 1:27
  earlier when people told me to anyway so people are always
• 1:32
  saying things and of course some hyperbolized But it's basically
• 1:36
  like the man comes in and he's like, my wife is so difficult,
• 1:40
  she's so closed minded, you know.
• 1:43
  Also, she's kind of a slob. She really, you know, she can't
• 1:47
  really cook for shit. She her parenting.
• 1:49
  She's like she can't do discipline.
• 1:52
  She has also gained a little bit of weight.
• 1:54
  The thing is, is our sex life. Is it really that good?
• 1:57
  Listen, I mean, shit, I need, of course.
• 2:00
  It's not that good like you, you can't even like how crazy.
• 2:05
  You would it be? Can you not see how crazy would
• 2:08
  be for a woman to be your best sexual self with a guy that
• 2:11
  always has a million fucking problems with her?
• 2:14
  You know, most women don't get criticized by their husbands, by
• 2:17
  the way. Like, you gotta listen, like,
• 2:19
  the criticizing in bed is its own insane extremism.
• 2:24
  But most women, by the way, don't even get really criticized
• 2:27
  by their husbands because their husbands are trying to be nice,
• 2:29
  guys. You know, like loving kind men
• 2:33
  who view their wife as See that they are kind of entrusted to
• 2:37
  take care of in some way. And so they don't go around
• 2:40
  saying nasty shit about her. Like like you don't like credit,
• 2:45
  okay? If you criticize your wife's
• 2:46
  cooking, guess what? She's not going to cook anymore.
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  So you saved yourself that problem if that was your intent
• 2:51
  criticize or cleaning she won't clean anymore.
• 2:53
  So and guys get like really, you know, upset about this they're
• 2:57
  like well you know like if somebody gives me feedback I
• 3:00
  just take it and I become a better man, really?
• 3:03
  Let me tell you, let me give you an example.
• 3:05
  What if you were having sex with your wife and she was like mmm.
• 3:09
  That's what you call an erection.
• 3:11
  Oh, I like I guess that's what you know I guess that's what
• 3:15
  it's going to be like. Now when your 40s.
• 3:17
  Huh? Well you know you know not not
• 3:20
  the best I've seen but you know how long would you just accept
• 3:23
  that feedback? No you wouldn't accept that
• 3:26
  feedback. You wouldn't be like why?
• 3:28
  Thanks love. I'm gonna go out forthwith and
• 3:30
  get a prescription for Cialis for my GP.
• 3:33
  No you fucking wouldn't. You would be like Like why are
• 3:36
  you being such a bitch? I'm not gonna be able to get an
• 3:38
  erection now or ever. Thanks so much, right.
• 3:41
  So you wouldn't your wife feels the same.
• 3:44
  So you come home? You criticize.
• 3:46
  Whatever the hell she made for dinner is fuck you.
• 3:48
  Why are you acting like an asshole is basically the
• 3:50
  question. If you act like an asshole, she
• 3:53
  first of all it's really not very flattering because if you
• 3:56
  act like an asshole, if you act like this close to any other
• 3:59
  opinion. So she makes pasta, you don't
• 4:01
  like pasta the world has to end. She can never make pasta again.
• 4:05
  If Are this kind of person this kind of difficult rigid
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  close-minded critical person? First of all, it was a 90% was
• 4:14
  your father, 10% your mother possibly.
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  But you got it from one parent and they made you feel like shit
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  all the time. This Behavior doesn't come out
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  of the clear blue sky. So I do feel bad for the little
• 4:23
  boy, you were, but you're not that little boy anymore.
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  So now you have really a reason to work on it because you want
• 4:31
  to be a man that doesn't pass down this Behavior to your kids.
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  So even if you have no ethical obligation to not be a dick head
• 4:37
  to your wife, you still? Would you do you do?
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  By the way, you still don't want to pass on this Behavior to your
• 4:43
  children because I'm sure it didn't help.
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  The parent, that was a critical person with the other parent and
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  then they passed down this Behavior to you.
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  So you don't want to pass it down to your children.
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  But the point is how is a woman? Then if she is yelled at or you
• 4:59
  know maybe not maybe you don't raise your voice but you just
• 5:01
  make snide, remarks whatever it is, it's not that flattering
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  because who stays I kind of person a person who got treated
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  like shit as a kid, a woman with no self-esteem.
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  So a woman with zero self-esteem is the only one that's going to
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  say something like oh I'm sorry that you don't like the pasta, I
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  guess, II. Guess I'm not very good at
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  cooking. So I guess, maybe, maybe I'll
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  just I'll just I'll just order out and then of course, this
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  type of Personality says no, that's too expensive, why don't
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  you just Just do it the way I told you to do it which is that
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  you make this stuff, you know, like my mom used to doing in the
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  Crock-Pot before and you know, I told you exactly what to do and
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  then the woman with low self-esteem says okay.
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  Okay well well alright well I'll try to do that and you know I
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  don't think though that I'm going to get it.
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  Exactly. Right.
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  Doesn't it make you stomach hurt to hear this kind of dynamic
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  only if you're in it or you heard a growing up and if you
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  heard a grown-up then your that's why you're doing it right
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  now. So the only Kind of woman that's
• 6:06
  going to stay with a man that acts like, this is a woman with
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  very low self-esteem, and if it makes, if you're a woman
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  listening and this makes your stomach hurt.
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  It's because you're probably in this situation or your mother
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  was this person this obsequious person that kept trying to get
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  out of the way of getting hurt whether emotionally or
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  physically and now you're replicating it more than you
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  realize. So the only type of woman that's
• 6:29
  going to stay with this man has very low self-esteem.
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  Women with very low self-esteem, are not very good in bed.
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  Why? Because they They're terrified.
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  They're terrified to do anything wrong.
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  If you think that your husband even thinks it's a possibility
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  that you are useless, stupid idiot, then you are not going to
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  be your best sexual self sex. Good sex requires two, people
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  who feel confident open and free with each other.
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  So, if you thought that, it's just because your wife is crap
• 6:59
  and giving head, it isn't right. The reason that she may be crap
• 7:02
  at giving head is because she's consumed.
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  Anger that she buries down deep, she's extremely closed off
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  because she doesn't want to do anything wrong and she may hate
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  you on a real visceral deep level that she's not even
• 7:15
  allowing herself to access. Because the reality is, is that
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  you're nasty, like, all the time.
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  And this is an all man, of course not.
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  And there's plenty of women who are nasty and insulting to the
• 7:26
  men. But what we're talking about
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  here is the ones where it's the guy comes in like a bat out of
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  hell after work. And he just says everything
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  that's wrong. He criticizes everything and
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  then he expects somehow he's going to get like a woman who's
• 7:42
  ready to go in bed? What insanity, is that the woman
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  that's ready to go in bed would not have taken your shit.
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  And for one second, you would criticize the pasta.
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  And she would be calling the divorce attorney because of the
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  tone of your voice is intolerable.
• 7:57
  So you got, you got to give something to get something and
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  most men value at the stage of midlife, having a woman who is
• 8:04
  very Sexually opened. Because that I understand this,
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  this is their love language. This is the only place that they
• 8:10
  can really relax. This makes them feel like a
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  viable virile. Man, there's a million reasons
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  men. Want a good sex life.
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  I'm many reasons. Women want a good sex life,
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  right? The higher libido person.
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  That's how they feel good. That's like the thing you can't
• 8:23
  buy. That's why I have all these
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  wealthy guys that come in that are even more unhappy than the
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  guys who are not wealthy, because they have all this money
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  and they can't buy the one thing they want, which is a loving
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  partner, right? I mean, they Good.
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  But they're ethical. And they don't buy a loving
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  partner. They try to make it work with
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  the partner that there with. So, and I have a podcast about
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  that, it's like, Can't Buy Me Love or something earlier on,
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  but the point here is I get why the man wants a good sex life,
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  but there is a subset of men who don't understand that, they're
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  shooting themselves in the foot by being really, just an asshole
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  and being very critical - and closed off to, to her as a
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  person. They're not positive, they're
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  not affirming. They are not supportive.
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  They're not nice. They're just unkind people.
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  And this always comes from being treated badly as a child.
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  So I have all of the empathy but the empathy has to end when it's
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  hurting another person, right? So I can still empathize but
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  also it needs to be a wake-up call if you're listening and
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  your wife has ever cried because you've been so mean, you know,
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  and it's like really, you understand like you feel deeply
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  ashamed because you know, she is right to be crying because If
• 9:35
  you talk to anybody else in the could, okay?
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  So think about it. Like this would you want a
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  videotape of how you talk to your wife to be shown at work?
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  If not then you got to stop because even more important than
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  work should be your children and they hear it all the time.
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  So if you would feel like shit here.
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  So if you have like let's say eight year old son, right?
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  And 20 years from now, you visit his house where he's living with
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  his girlfriend and you hear him saying to her, you call that
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  dinner? That's not dinner.
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  That's why everybody in this family.
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  It gets sick all the time because you don't know how to
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  provide a nutritious meal. If your stomach would hurt
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  hearing that, and you would feel bad at age, you know, 68 that
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  you would be hearing this happened to some, you know, 28
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  year old girl or whatever. Whatever the hell you, however,
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  old you were when you had your kid, then you got to stop now
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  because your kids are learning how to be assholes or Worse from
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  your perspective, they're learning how to be cringing
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  victims. Of an asshole.
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  And so their Dynamic is going to be that of your wife back to the
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  point, about sex, if a woman feels like she is being looked
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  down on and degraded and she may not even know know that she may
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  not have those words but just she feels bad and scared around
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  the guy. He's not physically abusive,
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  he's physically abusive, get the hell out.
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  But honestly if he's like this, you should probably get the hell
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  out to or first, get to couples counseling because I have Deep
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  faith that people can change. I see it happen all the time.
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  Sometimes these guys, they don't even know their fathers were
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  such tremendous assholes who themselves were abused.
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  Usually viciously at home. So everything had is a reason,
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  you know, nobody's blaming anybody but the so if you grew
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  up for example, your dad, like, you know, through your mom into
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  a wall and you never would lay a hand on your wife.
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  Then you may be very much dismissing what it's like for
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  her to be around somebody. That's It's like yeah, I don't
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  like to be in this house because this house is filled with shit.
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  It's cluttered, it's nasty-looking, your home all
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  day. You do nothing.
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  I don't know what you do. I mean, I'm at work making
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  money. What do you do, right?
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  So you may think that that's like a conversation, that's not
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  a conversation that's called Nasty, you know, insulting and
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  many would say emotionally abusive Behavior, but because
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  you're not throwing her into a wall and you never would you
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  think it's okay. So I do get a lot of guys like
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  this still so It's not like, it's not like everybody
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  understands. What emotional abuse now is the
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  way that most people do understand what physical abuse
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  is. This is going to be the next
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  Frontier that maybe a generation hence.
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  Very very few people will do this.
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  Just like very, very few people, you know, abuse their children
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  versus how many used to in the world because they thought that
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  that's how you have to do it, right?
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  So the point is and of course I know people still abuse their
• 12:31
  children. I'm not an idiot but it's
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  obviously terrible. Ation, I've worked with a lot of
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  children that situation but the point is if used to be that if
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  you whipped your child, that was just how it went that was just
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  discipline. Most people don't think that
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  anymore. So most people also don't think
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  that beating your wife is how to keep her in line anymore.
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  But there are still men who think that you have to set a
• 12:54
  kind of a firm boundary, you know, and affirm boundary looks
• 12:58
  like being a tremendous insulting asshole but then the
• 13:02
  key is that they want to sexually open relationship.
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  I don't know why they don't have it.
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  And what I'm trying to explain here is there is no way, what
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  you are visualizing in your head as a man.
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  And even though you don't even understand how all of this stuff
• 13:16
  works and you don't mean to be an asshole to her, what you are,
• 13:19
  wanting? I'll swear it in 99% of
• 13:22
  situations is a Confident Woman, a woman who makes eye contact
• 13:26
  during sex woman, who tells you what she wants.
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  A woman who talks about fantasies a woman who has some
• 13:32
  new idea of something to do in bed?
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  How in the hell if you are the one who criticizes, pasta?
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  How the hell is she going to tell you what she thinks about
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  in bed? She would have to be the biggest
• 13:44
  fool God ever created, right? Because why would she expose
• 13:48
  herself and be vulnerable to a man who is potentially in her
• 13:52
  mind that her shit all over it. She doesn't know that you would
• 13:54
  love to hear the fantasy but you know what?
• 13:57
  Honestly, if it was the wrong fantasy, you probably would be
• 14:00
  an asshole. So the same kind of guys who are
• 14:02
  negative and critical about this, if the woman A misstep.
• 14:06
  So if she thinks like and I've seen this.
• 14:08
  So we're talking about fantasies, right?
• 14:11
  So if the woman said something like, oh well, sometimes I
• 14:14
  thought about, you know what, it would be like group sex.
• 14:18
  Well, here we go. If we got this insecure and this
• 14:21
  of course, this abused emotionally abusive behavior is
• 14:24
  in. It comes out of insecurity comes
• 14:26
  from a child was treated this way as I discussed.
• 14:28
  So it comes from a very insecure man.
• 14:30
  So if she says group sex holy shit all of a sudden All of his
• 14:35
  alarm Bells, go off. Of course, he feels deeply
• 14:37
  ashamed because on some level, he knows he's not a good
• 14:40
  husband. And so he's very, very attuned
• 14:44
  to the prospect of her wanting to cheat on him or something
• 14:47
  like this. And so she said the wrong
• 14:49
  fantasy. What?
• 14:50
  Oh, so that that conversation goes to shit.
• 14:53
  You know, because the only fantasy he really wanted to hear
• 14:56
  about was I would like to have more, you know, porn style
• 15:00
  positions in bed with you, you know, the light of my life.
• 15:04
  But she said, Wrong thick. So if you are with a man where
• 15:08
  you could say the wrong thing, then why would you be sexually?
• 15:11
  Open, it could bite you in the ass.
• 15:14
  So there should be no wrong thing.
• 15:15
  And I have a podcast that's going to come up in a while
• 15:18
  about what does a healthy sex life look like because a lot of
• 15:20
  people don't know what it looks like is there is no wrong thing.
• 15:23
  Any fantasy that you could say is good.
• 15:26
  You know and what you know of course like there's certain
• 15:29
  things like maybe you wouldn't say like if if you your primary
• 15:33
  fantasy is about the guys Has brother.
• 15:36
  You know, don't say it's about his brother but if you can't
• 15:39
  even say something like, oh I have fantasies about an oil or G
• 15:42
  or a foursome or a threesome that I don't want to do it but
• 15:45
  this is a fantasy. If you can't say something like
• 15:48
  that, you're not going to be sexually open really with this
• 15:51
  guy because you view him as you know alternate lie like some
• 15:56
  sort of martinet that's like in charge of everything and you
• 16:00
  know, like a prison guard type or a child, you know somebody
• 16:02
  that's to To hear things. So then you just kind of go on
• 16:07
  autopilot you go into your own head and you give him, you know,
• 16:11
  tepid sex because you can't really be your true self because
• 16:15
  he doesn't want to hear it, you know, and these are the same
• 16:18
  guys who are very weirded out if their wife wants to do something
• 16:21
  new in bed too. Why?
• 16:24
  Because they think. Where did you get that from?
• 16:27
  And have you always wanted to do it?
• 16:28
  And did you do it with an X or do you have an ex that?
• 16:31
  I don't know about? So the same kind of guys who are
• 16:34
  super harsh, critical and closed-minded are the same in
• 16:37
  bed. So then their wives, even though
• 16:39
  they think that they're very good because they like to do
• 16:41
  three different positions or 30 different positions even worse.
• 16:45
  So, the point is, is that close-minded and negative and
• 16:49
  critical is the same everywhere in every venue.
• 16:52
  And expecting that your Wife is going to you know be open minded
• 16:56
  you you don't you couldn't handle a Confident Woman at this
• 16:59
  stage of your development. So that's why you don't get
• 17:02
  what. So, in this situation, what
• 17:04
  should people do if they recognize themselves,
• 17:07
  unfortunately, in this Dynamic, get into couples counseling,
• 17:10
  right away, and both really do need individual.
• 17:12
  And that it's not a joke in this sort of situation.
• 17:15
  Your children are learning this bad behavior.
• 17:18
  They're learning basically to be there, cowering, victim, or a
• 17:22
  prison guard. And it's terrible and just ask
• 17:25
  anybody who grew up in that Dynamic, right?
• 17:27
  And you need immediately, especially if you want to have
• 17:31
  any intimacy and closeness in bed or otherwise, to the man
• 17:34
  needs to stop berating, his wife, implicitly or explicitly,
• 17:37
  and the wife needs to stand up for herself, or she will not
• 17:40
  respect herself. Nor does she treat teach her
• 17:42
  kids to respect themselves because they're watching her,
• 17:45
  you know, kowtow to somebody who is oppressive and nasty and
• 17:48
  critical and closed. So couples His useful individual
• 17:54
  counseling is useful as well. Both would be ideal if there's
• 17:57
  one to prioritize. I mean, I really don't know it
• 18:00
  would really be both, but if you have to prioritize one, I guess
• 18:03
  the couple's work so that somebody else can listen to the
• 18:06
  things that you say to your wife and you could see their face
• 18:10
  because their face is going to be even a more of a wake-up call
• 18:13
  than this podcast. So and it would be a wake-up
• 18:15
  call to your wife to the only way to potentially get somebody
• 18:18
  that's sexually, open with you. As the summary statement here is
• 18:22
  to have somebody who Old free, safe, close open.
• 18:27
  And like anything they say goes, you know, and I'm not saying
• 18:32
  anything they say goes like she says, I don't want to do this, I
• 18:34
  don't want to do that. You know how I feel about the
• 18:36
  people who have like 20 million boundaries, I wrote the code
• 18:39
  that I or said, the cult of boundaries was one of my
• 18:41
  podcasts. But I'm talking about, if you
• 18:44
  want your wife to come up with ideas, but then you should all
• 18:47
  over her. Other ideas, actually going to
• 18:49
  come up with ideas. It doesn't make any sense.
• 18:51
  All right, so hopefully, this was useful.
• 18:53
  Evelyn gave at least one couple in this Dynamic, a wake-up call
• 18:56
  and I will talk to you soon. Have a great day, guys.