Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Remember Dating Is Supposed To Be Fun

Transcript

Remember Dating Is Supposed To Be Fun · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we are going to be talking about why
• 0:12
  dating is supposed to be fun and people forget this and they get
• 0:17
  all invested in list-making and requirements and kind of this
• 0:23
  businesslike approach that doesn't usually work out and why
• 0:27
  people do this and who does this and before we jump into that
• 0:31
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• 1:01
  All right? So dating is supposed to be fun
• 1:04
  and for People who are divorced, you are in the stage of your
• 1:09
  life, where everything kind of feels like a business deal
• 1:12
  anyway, and you work a lot and you are older, and you're more
• 1:16
  fact-based and fact-driven. And that could be really good.
• 1:20
  But also sometimes people can forget the dating is actually
• 1:23
  supposed to be fun. Also.
• 1:25
  And so a lot of people that think that they're supposed to
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  have these excessive list, I have a podcast called why not to
• 1:33
  have a long list of requirements and a Partner, but a lot of
• 1:36
  people think that that is, you know, not accurate because after
• 1:39
  all you want to try to make sure you don't, replicate whatever
• 1:42
  mistakes you had in your marriage and you want to get
• 1:45
  this person that is very simpatico with you, on all these
• 1:48
  different dimensions. So, therefore, the first date
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  has to be somewhat like an interview, but that isn't the
• 1:53
  case. You know, if the first date is
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  like an interview, the whole thing's going to feel like a
• 1:58
  business relationship. And the reality is that
• 2:02
  although, of course, there are certain Necessary components to
• 2:06
  compatibility. One, major one is whether you
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  can have fun together and you will not know if you can have
• 2:13
  fun together, unless you are in a Zone and a headspace where you
• 2:17
  can have fun. If you are trying to schedule
• 2:21
  dates from like, you know, 6 to 7:30 on specific this this day.
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  And this time, it's funny because a lot of people, our
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  parents, right? So of course, you can only go to
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  a dinner date on a night that you don't have kids and I
• 2:32
  understand you need to plan ahead.
• 2:34
  But like, Like then sometimes I'll be like, well why don't you
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  meet this person for lunch or for coffee, you know, during the
• 2:39
  work day when your kids are at school?
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  And that would be more spontaneous.
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  So for example, you wouldn't have to wait like 10 days to
• 2:47
  meet somebody that you're talking to you could just meet
• 2:50
  them tomorrow for lunch and it's kind of like it goes outside the
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  box for a lot of people who are used to thinking very very
• 2:58
  inside the box and very nervous about kind of their schedule and
• 3:04
  their time Commitments. So, the first way that I talk
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  about that, I'm going to talk about making dating more fun.
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  It's to not stick to such a rigid schedule, try to meet
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  somebody that you click with on a dating app or somebody that
• 3:16
  introduced you to somebody or whatever, try to meet them as
• 3:19
  soon as possible. And that could be a lunch date
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  or a coffee date. You know, do not get invested in
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  these things where you're like, scheduling out the way that you
• 3:28
  would for work meetings because you're not even going to be that
• 3:31
  excited then for like a date. That's next Tuesday.
• 3:34
  If Currently it's Monday and you got to wait eight days to do it.
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  You know, a lot of your enthusiasm may go away and also
• 3:41
  the person made me somebody else quite honestly, that doesn't
• 3:43
  mean that it wasn't meant to be with you.
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  That's just, they literally might meet somebody else and
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  they were meant to be with you, you know.
• 3:49
  So you want to move kind of quickly and try to be at least a
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  bit spontaneous and flexible on scheduling and phone
• 3:58
  conversations or texting or whatever.
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  I mean, this stuff should be spontaneous versus really Ride.
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  You know, I know a dating coach that says that you should never
• 4:08
  be date texting that much before dates because like that's like
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  leads to the death of the first date because people just kind of
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  start texting and then they don't end up meeting but that's
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  very inflexible. Like of course, there's going to
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  be differences in that and if you're a very verbal person,
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  then texting with somebody will make you feel closer to them
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  probably and will make you, you know, that could be like a fun,
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  you know, joking. Bantering part.
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  Of your interaction. So I don't have any prescribed
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  rules like that when I work with clients on whether or not you
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  should text and my one only rule is kind of meet them as soon as
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  possible, so that you could see if there's real chemistry, but
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  aside from that do whatever, feels good.
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  The same kind of thing. As I talked about with, when you
• 4:52
  should have sex, you should have sex whenever you want to, you
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  know, if you are a person who gets extremely anxious about
• 5:00
  being rejected after sex, a that's something to work on.
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  Be, I guess then don't have sex on the first date if you don't
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  want, but if you continue to wait forever and ever and ever,
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  then, you know, then you do not know about sexual compatibility.
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  So in general, people that struggle with intimacy and
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  people who are more avoidant and more gun shy and scared about
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  getting involved. In relationships, tend to put up
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  all of these different rules and walls about like when they could
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  date and how they could date, and how long until this and
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  basically have A checklist involving like, you know, what
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  are their thoughts about this? What are their feelings about
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  this? What are their belief system
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  about this? You're never going to find
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  somebody who's like exactly what you would write down on paper as
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  the ideal match. And most people, I mean, almost
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  everybody has something that they didn't want and wouldn't
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  have planned for, that's part of their, you know, part of their
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  spouses character. Like, of course, like, they
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  don't have exactly all the same likes, and dislikes, you Create
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  them from an algorithm, you know, I mean, they're a real
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  person. So, yes, you should have similar
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  values and I talked a lot about what compatibility means, you
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  know, similar ideas about, for example, how important sex is in
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  a relationship or how important it is to hang out with with
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  extended family or like this or that.
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  But you learn that stuff, not from a questionnaire and not
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  from the interrogating, somebody on a first date but from getting
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  into a relationship. Ation ship with them.
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  And the relationship part is is kind of the hard part for people
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  who struggle with letting go and being vulnerable and Taking
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  Chances. So what am I really talking
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  about is people who are more rigid or anxious tend to have
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  these questionnaire interrogation, interview style
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  date and the all these rules about when and how you should
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  interact and have sex and introduce them to kids or
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  whatever like all of these things.
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  And those you Usually, if you drill down people that have
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  those usually are doing them because they don't want to get
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  hurt and kind of their almost sabotaging our relationship from
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  starting because they may be ambivalent about getting into a
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  relationship, you know, if you're self-protecting that much
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  with all these different rules and regulations, then it may be
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  that you're kind of not ready to be in a relationship, you know?
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  And it's and that that's a time where you could be in therapy
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  and you could be talking about, you know, like you're like And
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  grieving the loss of your previous marriage or talking
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  about ways that you could change or that, you know, like there's
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  a whole processing thing after a divorce.
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  It's a great time to figure out what happened on your end, you
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  know, like on like what did you do that contributed to the
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  marital dissolution and of course you know my perspective
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  is that it always takes two to tango but if you haven't fully
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  worked through that then you know, sometimes kind of your
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  brain is telling you something to listen to, which is that if
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  you have too many Cards up and too many rules and restrictions
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  that maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship yet.
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  Maybe you want to you know work on yourself first and I've
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  talked about you don't need to like love yourself and have like
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  the self-esteem of like the most, you know, highest self
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  esteem on Earth in order to get into a relationship but you have
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  to want a relationship, you know?
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  And some people don't really. So that's a way that they are
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  kind of stopping themselves from really getting into a
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  relationship is by having all of these factors you know, all this
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  whole test Is that a person has to take implicitly or
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  explicitly, you know, even to the point where some people want
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  the person to even take a personality test, they want to
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  know, they're there Myers-Briggs stuff before, you know, their
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  type or whatever, before they start dating them.
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  And that really indicates a profound discomfort with the
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  idea of merging and with intimacy large.
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  So the reality is if you're ready to be in a relationship,
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  then you have to be ready to be in a relationship and Ready to
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  come at it in a more flexible. Spontaneous off-the-cuff, kind
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  of way where you are prioritizing having fun with
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  this person. First dates should be fun.
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  Second date should be fun really?
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  All of the dates should be fun when you're in a relationship.
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  It isn't going to be a laugh, a minute constantly of course you
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  know that's when real life comes in but if the first few dates
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  aren't fun then either you're not clicking with this person or
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  you're not bringing a spirit of fun to the entire activity.
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  Tivity of dating and either one of those may be accurate.
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  So if you have dated people by the way that have like basically
• 9:42
  a laundry list of expectations for you on are basically
• 9:45
  interviewing you then that's not a very good sign because you
• 9:49
  know they will continue to have these kind of Hoops for you to
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  jump through and they they obviously are coming at it.
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  More businesslike and thinking more like it's a job and you
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  don't want to be somebody someplace.
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  He, you want to be, you know, the love of somebody's life or
• 10:08
  at least one of the loves of somebody's life.
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  And so, you know, and and if not, then even if you want, just
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  a fun, casual relationship. Well, that's not fun or casual
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  either. So steer clear.
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  You know, and of people that are making you jump through hoops
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  and if you are one of the people that's making other people jump
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  through hoops and realize that the only people that are going
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  to stay are people that do not really have very high
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  self-esteem. Those are the people that are
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  going to Basically, engage in your interview style dating
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  because other people would be like, this isn't really fun, you
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  know? And this isn't doesn't feel
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  pleasurable. This feels difficult.
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  You don't want to be difficult when you're dating.
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  If you have the idea that you really want to be dating, then
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  you should be trying not to be a difficult person.
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  And this in no way means that you shouldn't try to kind of
• 10:57
  assess character but you can do that along the way of fun and
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  you know, Pleasurable dating. So for example, I talk a lot
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  about women need to see that a man can take care of them
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  certainly. But this doesn't mean that you
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  are going to give him like a an interrogation about ways.
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  He's treated previous women and how he's gonna act with you.
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  It's like a tone. Like some people have this very
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  businesslike, tone on date and that was never what I'm talking
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  about. Do it, what I'm talking about is
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  to say something like, oh yeah, like I want to go to, to Italian
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  food and Because you actually do want to go to Italian food so
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  it's genuine and see if he goes to Italian food, you know?
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  Or if there's a problem because he doesn't like Italian food or
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  he doesn't like that restaurant or whatever.
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  So, within the context, you know, it's like natural
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  consequences with parenting as you plan date, as you hang out,
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  as you become intimate, then naturally you assess somebody's
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  personality, these prescribed like lists and all that kind of
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  thing that's not natural consequences.
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  So somebody could get like an A-Plus on the tests and the
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  Questionnaires obviously nobody's given a real
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  questionnaire except for that Myers-Briggs type stuff, but
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  people don't whip that out on the date either you know, I hope
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  but they assess or they could ask or what have you but you
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  know you see a lot of dating profiles where it's like I will
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  only be with you know, somebody who voted for this person and
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  somebody who has these hobbies and somebody who read this book
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  and somebody who you know, is basically this Myers-Briggs
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  type. It's like nobody with any you
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  know, self-respect is going to You know, want to be with
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  somebody who's basically interviewing them for a position
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  versus going to want to bond with them in an intimate way
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  that involves a lot of gray area and a lot of flexibility.
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  So you want to be flexible. If you want to get somebody who
• 12:53
  is flexible and believe me, you want to get somebody who's
• 12:55
  flexible because open-mindedness and flexibility are traits that
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  really concurred with relationship health and success
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  in my Inside closed mindedness and rigidity and contrast are
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  really predictive of a lot of relational problems and are the
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  traits that make couples counseling.
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  Most difficult. You know, when people come to
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  the table and really don't come to the table, basically say I am
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  what I am and I have these hard stops.
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  You know, that's that's very bad for marriages and it's very
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  similar with dating but you don't have to like you.
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  That doesn't mean that you have no standards or anything.
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  So for example, you could be Real flexible about like, where
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  to meet up and what to do and you know, when to have sex or
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  whatever, and if the person talks down to you in any way,
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  that could be your standard. Oh, I I'm not going to see this
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  person anymore, you know. But like you don't have to
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  self-protect so hard that you don't even put yourself into
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  situations. Listen, it is like this.
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  If you don't put yourself in situations where you could get
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  hurt, you're also not going to put yourself in situations where
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  you could fall in love or feel anything.
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  Positive, if you put yourself into situations where you're
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  guarding against so many negative feelings, you're also
• 14:11
  going to be precluding the development of positive
• 14:13
  feelings. If you stay within this, very
• 14:15
  constricted band of potential behaviors, within dates, then
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  you're not really exposing yourself to the full gamut of
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  human emotion, that you would want to experience with this
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  person long term. So the open-mindedness and
• 14:29
  flexibility lack of definite requirements you could have a
• 14:32
  couple of deal-breakers, okay? Okay, but not, not really like a
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  laundry list. If you have a laundry list of
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  deal breakers, then it's possible that you're not really
• 14:42
  ready to be out on the market. And you want to talk in depth
• 14:46
  with the therapist, probably about, you know, why you have so
• 14:51
  many restrictions and whether this indicates a profound
• 14:54
  anxiety and ambivalence about moving forward in a relationship
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  because you haven't fully processed what happened to the
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  last one. All right, I hope this was
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  useful for you guys and and I'll talk to you soon.
• 15:05
  Bye, bye.