Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 346: Tammy's Take #33: 5 Signs Your Nervous System May Still Feel Unsafe

Transcript

E 346: Tammy's Take #33: 5 Signs Your Nervous System May Still Feel Unsafe · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes where we take powerful conversations and turn them into practical strategies that you can use right here, right now.
• 0:10
  So this week, I had the privilege of interviewing someone very special.
• 0:13
  She's a best-selling author, Janice Erlbaum, and what she talked about was absolutely incredible.
• 0:18
  Her story was amazing.
• 0:19
  She left home at just 15 years old.
• 0:21
  She made an impossible decision to leave an abusive home with nowhere to go.
• 0:27
  And as I listened to her story, I couldn't help but stop and think about something.
• 0:30
  Yeah, her story's unique.
• 0:31
  Many of us have bad things that happen But what isn't unique, what is very common to all of us, is the way her nervous system learned to survive.
• 0:43
  Maybe you didn't leave home when you were 15.
• 0:45
  Maybe you never experienced living on the streets or being homeless, but you, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, your nervous system probably learned the very same lessons.
• 0:55
  That was to stay small, stay safe, stay alert, be hypervigilant.
• 1:01
  That is what we learned, and it stays in our nervous system.
• 1:04
  Guys, it stays there until you physically release it.
• 1:07
  So the problem is now your body might still be living by those rules today, and you don't even realize it.
• 1:13
  Today I wanna ask you a question.
• 1:15
  Are you surviving or are you actually healing?
• 1:18
  Because they're not the same thing.
• 1:20
  Let me show you what I mean.
• 1:21
  I'm actually gonna show you five different examples of how you might be feeling and showing up in the world even though you think that you have gotten over all the stuff and dealt with all the stuff and healed
• 1:31
  from all the stuff.
• 1:32
  These are five signs that your nervous system still feels unsafe.
• 1:37
  Number one, you can't relax even when nothing is wrong.
• 1:41
  You ever sit down at the end of the day only to immediately start thinking about everything you should be doing?
• 1:47
  Maybe you feel guilty resting.
• 1:48
  You start doom scrolling.
• 1:50
  You start cleaning.
• 1:51
  You start moving.
• 1:51
  You start making another list of all the things you have to do, and you tell yourself you're just being productive.
• 1:59
  But what if your body simply doesn't know how to feel safe when it's still?
• 2:05
  It might be that your childhood taught you that you always had to be ready, so your nervous system may believe that rest is dangerous.
• 2:13
  That's number one.
• 2:14
  Number two, you're always reading everyone else, but you stopped reading yourself.
• 2:19
  You walk into a room, literally, and I have it happen all the time.
• 2:21
  You walk into a room, within seconds you can tell the mood, who's upset, who's happy, who's uncomfortable, who's having a great day.
• 2:29
  You literally have become an expert at reading everybody else's emotions.
• 2:33
  But then someone asks you, and they might just say, "Tammy, how are you doing?"
• 2:38
  And you honestly don't know.
• 2:40
  You don't know because growing up, knowing how everyone else felt kept you safe.
• 2:46
  Nobody ever asked you to ask the question of yourself.
• 2:50
  Number three, you constantly second-guess yourself.
• 2:53
  You make a decision, and then you ask three people if you made the right one.
• 2:56
  You replay the conversations.
• 2:58
  You wonder if you offended someone.
• 3:00
  You worry you made a mistake.
• 3:01
  You're constantly overthinking it.
• 3:03
  You don't even trust your own instincts anymore, honestly.
• 3:06
  And it's not because you're incapable, it's because somewhere along the way you learned that trusting yourself wasn't safe.
• 3:13
  Maybe when you tried to say something, you were constantly criticized, or maybe your feelings were dismissed.
• 3:19
  Maybe you were told you were too sensitive, or you were just too much, So eventually, you stop believing in yourself.
• 3:26
  You stop trusting that judgment.
• 3:27
  You stop learning how to be human and feel what you wanna feel, and knowing that it's okay.
• 3:33
  Number four, you are absolutely exhausted, but you can't shut your brain off.
• 3:40
  Your body is tired, but my friends, your mind is not.
• 3:44
  You finally crawl into bed, and then suddenly your brain decides it's the perfect time to solve every single problem that you've ever had.
• 3:51
  So you replay the conversations.
• 3:53
  You imagine all these worst-case scenarios.
• 3:56
  You're waking up at 3:00 in the morning already anxious, and it's not because you're broken.
• 4:00
  It's because your nervous system has spent years believing, "If I stay alert, maybe I can prevent the next bad thing."
• 4:08
  Guys, that is so detrimental to your health in general.
• 4:12
  When you are sleeping is when your body is supposed to be resting, and digesting, and healing, and repairing, and if all it's doing is pumping out cortisol and adrenaline because you're so hypervigilant, you don't ever get the rest
• 4:24
  you deserve.
• 4:25
  I found that out the hard way when I had a stroke.
• 4:28
  And let me tell you something.
• 4:29
  Now, it is number one priority of mine to make sure that before I go to sleep, my mind is calm, my protein's right, that my body is ready to go into rest and digest as it's meant to do.
• 4:43
  And lastly, number five, you look successful, but you don't feel peaceful.
• 4:48
  This is so many of the people that I deal with.
• 4:50
  They have a great career.
• 4:52
  They've r- raised amazing kids.
• 4:54
  Everyone tells you how strong you are, but inside you're tired.
• 4:58
  You're overwhelmed.
• 5:00
  You don't know who you are unless you're taking care of someone else.
• 5:03
  You don't remember the last time you truly felt calm.
• 5:06
  Think about that.
• 5:07
  When is the last time you truly felt a sense of peace?
• 5:12
  Because honestly, s- what happens is surviving becomes your identity.
• 5:16
  So as long as you are surviving and nothing is going catastrophically wrong, you think that is calm.
• 5:22
  You think that is peace.
• 5:24
  But true peace and true calm is a totally different feeling.
• 5:29
  What happens a lot of times is you look incredibly successful, while underneath there's still a scared child.
• 5:36
  It's that little child, that five-year-old, that six-year-old, that seven-year-old still stuck inside of you, and that is what you're carrying around.
• 5:44
  So if any of these resonated with you, you're not alone, and you're not broken.
• 5:50
  In fact, honestly, what it means is that your nervous system did exactly what it was designed to do.
• 5:55
  It protected you.
• 5:56
  It adapted.
• 5:57
  It helped you survive.
• 5:59
  But that was then, and this is now, my friends.
• 6:02
  Healing isn't about becoming someone different.
• 6:07
  It's about stopping that feeling of being on alert.
• 6:11
  It's about feeling like you can be yourself again.
• 6:14
  It's about your body actually calming down enough to say, "Hey, it's okay.
• 6:20
  We got this.
• 6:21
  We're safe now."
• 6:22
  Because life isn't perfect.
• 6:23
  Life is gonna throw you curve balls all day long.
• 6:27
  But now you need to know, and you need to understand, and your body needs to understand you are no longer a powerless child.
• 6:35
  You are an adult now.
• 6:36
  You get to make your different choices.
• 6:38
  You get to make the decisions.
• 6:40
  You get to create the healthy relationships.
• 6:42
  You get to set boundaries and actually stick to them.
• 6:45
  And most importantly, my friends, you get to trust yourself.
• 6:48
  So when you start doing this little by little, your nervous system starts believing you.
• 6:53
  It starts believing you, and then you start to act differently.
• 6:56
  You start to show up differently in the world.
• 6:58
  So if Janice's story touched your heart, I encourage you to go back and listen to the full conversation on Adult Child of Dysfunction podcast.
• 7:05
  Her courage and honesty are incredibly inspiring, and I think you'll walk away feeling less alone.
• 7:13
  And if today's episode felt like I was describing your life, maybe that's your sign.
• 7:19
  Maybe it's your time to stop surviving and start healing, start thriving, and I would love to help you take that next step.
• 7:26
  So I do offer a complimentary clarity and calm call where we explore your story, identify the patterns that may be keeping you stuck, and we create practical next steps towards healing.
• 7:36
  You can book your free call using the link in the show notes.
• 7:39
  But until next time, I want you to remember this: You survived because you had to.
• 7:45
  Now it's time to start learning how to live because you deserve to.
• 7:50
  Guys, I will see you back next week, and love you dearly, and hope to talk to you soon.