Latest / Curiously Guided Podcast / Ep.96 | Using IFS (Internal Family Systems) to Discover & Heal Our Hidden Parts w/ Tammy Sollenberger, Psychotherapist

Transcript

Ep.96 | Using IFS (Internal Family Systems) to Discover & Heal Our Hidden Parts w/ Tammy Sollenberger, Psychotherapist · Curiously Guided Podcast

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the Curiously Guided Podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: We're your hosts, Mariah and Shay.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Two online business strategists passionate about rewriting the rules to success within both life and business.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: This podcast started because we both felt frustrated by the lack of deep, meaningful, and transparent conversations around what it takes to actually run a business that we both feel good about.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: So we decided to create that for ourselves.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: We want our solo episodes and guest interviews to be examples of how you two can chase your dreams and go down your own rabbit holes, ultimately leading to a more sustainable and fulfilling life.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: We believe that curiosity is our superpower.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: And trusting the nudge is a muscle that's meant to be strengthened.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: Especially if we want to create a lifestyle that feels good from the inside out.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: So are you ready to open your mind and let curiosity guide the way?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Let's take this journey together.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: We're so glad you're here.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now let's dive in.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I'm pretty sure that like this conversation that we had with Tammy, Solenberger, changed my life.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: And like I know that that's like a pretty big statement, but like I mean it.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm serious.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: The way that Tammy breaks down IFS, so like IFS internal family systems, like blew the lid off of some things.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: And it's funny because earlier in the season, we interviewed one of my good friends, Kaylee, about EMDR, which I love and I use personally.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: And Kaylee started kind of mentioning IFS and that she uses IFS in tandem with EMDR and all of that.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: And so we were like, oh, well, we naturally have to have somebody on the podcast to talk about IFS.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: And so I honestly found Tammy just on Instagram, just like dicking around.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like searching IFS and whatever.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: And Tammy has an entire podcast literally breaking down different like parts of IFS.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, oh my God, if she'll come on the podcast, like that's so fucking dope.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Like, that's cool.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: So I pitched her and she was totally game for it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: And then I was excited about it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: And to be honest, we didn't really have too much of a plan for the episode as per usual.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: And so we didn't really know what was going to happen.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: We kind of just wanted her to dive into like, how did you discover it?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: And like, what is it and how does it work?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: But like we actually ended up going into a demo of walking through parts work.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: So, like in this episode, you're going to hear me live.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like, this was not planned.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: I had no idea that this was going to happen.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like a live example of like how working with somebody that specializes in IFS, like how an actual uh situation can go.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: And like what was really cool is like sometimes you can go deep with IFS, like on your own when you're thinking about it.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: And you'll hear Tammy just in her language kind of always talking about, oh, there's a part of me that this and a part of me that that.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: But like hearing her be like, and that's another part.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: Me and Shay were like, girl, what?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: How many fucking parts do we got?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: But like it's been so cool to kind of like view the conversations that we're having with ourselves in our own head, like through all of those different parts.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like it allows you to like uh take them apart and look at them a little bit deeper.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: So this conversation is like one of my favorites, I think.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I totally agree.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And props to Tammy.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: She did not know us, and I don't even think she really knew what she was signed up for.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we had a shorter time schedule than we typically record.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And man, we hopped in and got into it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like this episode gets deep quick.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Tammy was awesome.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: She was sharing personal examples from her life.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Mariah and I have shared some examples.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: It was just a really incredible episode.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, for you guys, maybe if you're unfamiliar with IFS, I have also used it with my therapist.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was incredibly helpful for me.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And the I meant to ask Tammy this on the episode and I forgot, but the way that I kind of simply explain it to people is if you've seen that movie Inside Out, it's basically like inside out in therapy form, where you almost have like a board of directors up in your brain and it's all these different elements of you that are working together to run the show.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, I've always loved those movies.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it's it's a nice way to communicate some of these emotional feelings types of things that we all deal with.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And IFS is actually a professional doing it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really based in science.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I hate the name just like I hate a lot of names, internal family systems.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: When my therapist first said that to me, I was like, this sounds like some weird church stuff.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want to do this.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: But it is, don't let the name fool you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's a pretty, it sounds really simple, but it's like Mariah was saying, it's a practice that when you start doing it, it really starts to grow and kind of unravel and blow your mind.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh my gosh, I never realized all of these competing voices are going on in my head right now.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And for me, the real shift that comes with parts work is being able to identify, like, we all have habits and behaviors that we're not proud of.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: And having the awareness to kind of look at that behavior when you do something that you're not happy with yourself about and just say, oh, there's a part of me that needs something.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's other parts of me that are either trying to protect that part or trying to put out fires that that part's caused.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: It just allows you to have more space.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And grace and forgiveness are kind of the themes of this episode.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: It really just helps you zoom out.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: You're we're always really focused in, you know, zoom out and separate the different layers of you and understand why you are operating the way you are operating.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then perhaps even do what Mariah did, go in and try to start healing those sides of you.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a really cool tool.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the the part that blew all of our minds is it's really rooted in curiosity.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's really all about asking yourself and these different elements of you questions and trying to sit with them and listen to them and what guidance and wisdom they have to say.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, at the very end, I'll not to tease you guys, but we always ask, what's your curiosity?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: And Tammy's curiosity has truly like blown the lid off my head.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: The way that she's thinking about her life in this framework has got me being like, whoa, what could I question about my own beliefs in my life?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: So from start to finish, this episode is a banger, and I can't wait to hear what you guys think about it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, before we dive in, let's read Tammy's bio.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: She's a licensed clinical mental health counselor, author, and expert in internal family systems or IFS therapy, a transformative framework for healing that empowers us to understand and embrace the different parts of ourselves.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's the author of The One Inside, 30 Days to Your Authentic Self, a guide designed to help readers connect with their true essence through the IFS process.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Tammy also hosts the One Inside podcast, where she dives deep into the IFS framework, sharing stories, tools, and conversations with thought leaders in the field.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: With decades of experience, Tammy specializes in helping people navigate complex challenges like addiction, attachment wounds, and shame cycles.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Using IFS as a path towards compassion and wholeness.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Her passion for making this work accessible and impactful shines through in all that she does.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's jump into the episode.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, Tammy, thanks for joining us this morning.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: We are very happy to have you here.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, IFS, our internal family systems, is something that I have personally um worked through with.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I had a therapist that specialized in it.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it was very profound for me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: It really helped me after kind of years of just traditional talk therapy kind of get to a next level.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, it's a tool I use on a daily basis.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I've had um several friends also just have uh very impactful experiences by learning about IFS and starting to think about their lives through that lens.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: So um this idea has popped up with Mariah and I on several past podcast interviews, and I have about um a five-year-old's understanding of it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So we wanted to bring you on here today to um kind of, if you will, just share your knowledge about IFS with us.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think that just learning about it, honestly, when I share it with people, nobody's ever heard of it before, which really shocks me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that it's so helpful.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for joining us today.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And um, if you don't mind, just I am curious as a therapist or a licensed mental health counselor.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I know you guys have a lot of different avenues you can choose from in terms of like specialties.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm curious, you know, what in the first place drew you to IFS?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, thank you for having us.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: And this is uh my favorite subject, so I could talk about it all day long.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: And I love that you have a beginner's mind.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Like a five-year-old has a beginner's mind about it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: So I think that's great.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: So I was a therapist for a long time.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I before I found IFS, and at the time I did hadn't heard of it either.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: And um I went to a workshop and the woman, and so I was trained in uh more like DBT, CBT um methods.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: And so the woman at the workshop said something about this new popular model that was in Boston and every, you know, sort of everyone was talking about it or whatever.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, I have parts that are like, ooh, I want to do the new popular thing.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, that sounds exciting.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: So um she started talking about that, and then she started talking about this idea of curious, which is I I love this as part of your title and something that's important to you guys.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I thought she invited us to think about, you know, what if we were more curious about our clients, about their like what they're coming in with and why they're stuck and what was going on with them.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't remember that being a part of like talented behavioral therapy.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like, let me be curious about even my own thoughts, right?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: My own thoughts and feelings and behaviors.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: It was more like, what are my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: And how do I change it?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: How do I stop it?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: How do I um confront it or challenge it?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: And um, but being curious had a completely different, like felt sense.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what is the felt sense of if I was more curious about my clients?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: Or the felt sense of what if I was more curious about myself?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I just was like, that feels like a huge shift to me.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so that's what got me started.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: And I ended up doing a training with Dick, the founder of IFS, um, and started doing my own therapy.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: I have therapy later today.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: And so with IFS, we say, you know, you really need to do your own, well, we all we should all be doing our own work anyways, but you really need to be doing your own work and experiencing IFS um to in order to do it.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: And so, yeah, so I started therapy immediately and then just you just fell in love with it.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: And it was the first type of therapy that um I always say this like I was like ugly crying in like the first day of the five-day training, like this all of the stuff that, and I had been a therapist probably.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm terrible with time, but I probably have been a therapist for 15 years at this point.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, oh, this is here, like all the stuff about my mom, and all this was there.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: And it was, and then later I felt all this self-energy.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: I felt all this calm and clear, and it was like I had done, you know, yoga and meditated for hours or something, but it was just like, no, I it just it was amazing.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: I the effect, the um, the benefit of it was just immediate.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: I think that was the other thing.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: It was like I immediately felt this amazing benefit of it.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I was just like, okay, what is this?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_03: I need to learn it, know it, experience it, embody it so that I can help people with it.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, that's incredible and also cool that it sounds like you were in like the right place at the right time to be open to it too, which is always interesting when like things kind of drop in in that way.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: And so I personally haven't done like traditional IFS.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: I have done more EMDR, but like EMDR, and we have a podcast episode.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: So if our listeners, if you haven't listened to that earlier this season, we have a full podcast episode talking about EMDR.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: But my friend who is an EMDR therapist, she uses IFS kind of like with EMDR to kind of like help move.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I also have a five-year-old's uh brain with I'm like, I don't know, like move shit.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like I don't know the correct language.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but before we get too deep, I feel like into our questions, can you just break down like what is IFS?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like, how does it work?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: How does one start thinking about it?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: How is it different than talk therapy?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: That would be really helpful.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, of course.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: So I would just invite everyone to think about even right now.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: You might have a part of you, right?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me is doing this podcast.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I love before we started recording, you said something about you didn't use this language, but kind of like the parts of you that were doing stuff beforehand, kind of letting that go.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: And the parts of you are thinking about doing something after what has to be done after, letting that go.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: Because we have all these different parts.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: So part of me right now is sitting and talking to you.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: And we talked about this beforehand, and a part of you wants to just girl talk with you like what's going on, what's happening?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like I have a girl, girlfriend part that just loves to get.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: And so I have to get that part to step back a little bit so I can be here and we can do like a professional podcast.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: Boring.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: But so, but I have to sort of get my girlfriend part just to give me some space so I could be a little bit more professional and not so silly.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: But then I have to also have to get the part of me that was working on a PowerPoint and just loving finding graphics.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: And I have to get that part to step aside too, because I had to stop doing that, right?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_03: I have to stop doing that.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm seeing you guys hanging out with you guys, and then I have a client.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: So I have all these parts that are doing all these different things.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: I have the parts that are my mom parts that are like after I get done working today, we're gonna go pick up my son and we're going to the basketball.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: So it's not just roles, right?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: We all have different roles that we play, but those are also parts of us that are different.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_03: There's a part, there's a different part of me that's talking to you.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's a different part than create the podcast or the PowerPoint.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: And it's gonna be a different part that like jumps up and screams at my son's basketball game.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: So there's different parts, different energies of these different parts, different roles, different jobs of these parts.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: And it's not just in roles, but it's also in feeling.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_03: So if I could have a, if I was feeling something or if I had a symptom or presenting problem or a problem or a diagnosis, those also can be parts.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: So if I've been depressed or diagnosed with depression or diagnosed with anxiety or panic disorder, all these um diagnoses, the symptoms of those or the characteristics of those are often parts.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um you can also think about this in a business sense, right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: Part of me, I was working with my a friend of mine and I are running this new uh intro.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's a like a pre, it's a pre-intro to IFS, a super, super intro to IFS.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: And we've been talking about money.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, there's parts of us that want to um give this away for free, right?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: This sort of like, this is amazing, and I want to tell everybody about it.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_03: And also it's my job, and so I have to get paid for it in some ways.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: And so, but we have tons of parts when it comes to money, or parts that are like, um, I want to do this kind of business, or I want to do this, I want to step out in this way or do this new fun, adventurous thing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: And parts of us are like, well, but what if something bad happens, or what if we fail, or what if we right?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: So we get these polarizations, these two, like when you think about kind of black and white thinking, a part of me that wants to take a chance and a part of me that's like, no way, let's stay the same.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: And then have, and so, so we can think about that with all kinds of stuff, like from getting up in the morning, right?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me that wants to stay in bed, a part of me that's like go take on the day, a part of me that wants to uh drink more water.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: I just did a workshop about this, drink more water, and the part of me that's like, nope, I'm drinking coke, like drinking coke in lattes all day long.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: So we have these different parts and how we begin to notice, just begin to notice during the day as you go throughout your day, what parts are activated.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like there's nothing wrong with them.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just notice and be curious about the part of me that wants this and the part of me that wants that.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: And then there's me.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: So we have these parts and then there's me.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_03: So the think about me, and we call that the the self with a capital S, be the authentic self, the true self.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: The other day I talk to somebody and they say, I call that the adult self.
• 16:51
  unknown: Right.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: So there's the adult self and sort of like, okay, so I can listen to the part of me that wants to take this um, to take this challenge or do this new exciting thing.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: And then I have another part of me that's like, no, no way.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: Let's stay small, let's stay safe.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: But there's me here too.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I say that all the time, like I am here too.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: And can I bring curiosity to both of these parts and like, hey, what's going on?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: What's happening that you want to do this new scary thing?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: What's happening that you don't you don't?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Can I be curious about these two parts of me?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: And then I, in my adult, clear, curious, compassionate way, I can make a decision.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: These parts don't have to make those decisions.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: That's a lot.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: Does that make sense?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, total sense.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: And that was such a good intro to this.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I really I had never heard, I know the idea of like we have all of these different parts that um come up, and then we have our core self.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I like to use that self-energy word earlier that was like very appealing, but I had never thought about it as like the duality of the two or the polarization.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny because what immediately came to my head was we're all familiar with like the devil and angel that like sits on our shoulders and presents two sides of a situation, and like that is kind of parts work in a way, right?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I think when we think about polarizations, it's the easiest way to kind of sell that I'm made of more, that I'm multiple, right?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: So these are the basic tenets of IFS is I'm multiple.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: And the the best sell of that is a part of me wants to get out of bed, a part of me doesn't.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me wants to take on the day, a part of me is like, why can't I stay in bed all day?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: So like so just noticing that I am multiple, those are parts of me.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I have a part of me that wants this all day long.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_03: There's sort of even just noticing behaviors.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_03: Part of me thinks this, part of me wants that, part of me feels this, and just kind of just notice that.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: And it might not be too conflictual, right?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: It might not be like black, white, angel, devil.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: It might not be that, but you can just kind of notice, like, oh, you know, you just kind of notice this disharmony that happens inside of us.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it happens all day long, right?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: So if we have this activation all day long, even if it's just a little bit.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um and so, but I think the thing that's really important is to notice that, but the notice that I am here too.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: It's not just the devil and the angel, but it's I am here too.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: The adult me, the true self, the self energy is here too.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: That whether that is the divine in me or the spirit of me, um, or the essence of who I really am, um, that is here too.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: And so it's not just about parts and it's not just about naming parts and mapping parts, even though that's important, because that helps us unblend these all these parts of me.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not them.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: Like I am not the part of me that doesn't like my neighbor.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: I actually love my neighbor.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: So this is a bad example.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: But like that's not all of me, right?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me doesn't like my neighbor, but a part of me wishes I did and wishes I had been, I don't know, sort of wishes I could make, you know, make amends or, you know, sort of we have we have a complex system, right?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: We have a complex system.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but we're not just that.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: What IFS really helped me with is giving more grace to myself.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: Once I understood, I like what you're saying about this idea of like the neutral observer.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot of very like mindfulness, like Zen stuff, but like there is no, these parts of me are not me, but they are me, but there's different sides of them, and and none of them are good or bad.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: When I can come, I love that you're tying this back to curiosity, like chef's kiss, thank you.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: But when I can come more curious and ask questions about what is popping up right now, um, I like that word disharmony, like being aware of that, that all helped me kind of extract myself.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: It all felt really heavy and serious.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I was kind of starting to see the two sides of things, and then I still have my self-energy and and connecting with that more brought a lot of peace and just more gentleness with myself and my patterns.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: I love that because you said like extract myself, which means there's more space.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because when I'm blended, when I am the part of me that hates my mom, right?
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like if I am the part of me that hates my mom, then I'm feeling all the energy of that.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: And and then and then I am never gonna talk to her again, and then I'm gonna make decisions about right, like it's sort of all this activation versus if I can be, oh, okay, there's a part of me here, get some space, I can extract myself, get some space between me and that part and say, okay, there's a part that hates my mom.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: Can I get curious about that?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: There are other parts that feel differently, right?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: There's the there's the multiplicity, there is the polarization.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_03: But this one really is pissed off and has something to say, and often, probably, doesn't get to say it, right?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_03: Because we're not allowed to hate our moms, right?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's not, you're not allowed to do that.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: And so, so wow, what if I turn towards it and say, hey, buddy, what's going on?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm open, I'm curious.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: Tell me what you're feeling.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: These parts are often used to us exiling them or pushing them away, that they don't get the microphone.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: And so parts are other parts are scared of them having the microphone.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: Like if I hand the microphone to the one that hates my mom, does that mean that I'm a bad person?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Or is that going to take over?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: But it's like, no, like there's more choice and there's more space here.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: So I can be like, hey, what's going on?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: Tell I'm looking to my right.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_03: Can you know?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Can I look towards that part and say, you know, tell me what's going on?
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then often that part relaxes and softens.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then the whole system softens, softens.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: There's more space for me and there's more harmony.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_02: I love your breakdown and like how many examples you naturally give.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: And like I've even noticed, just like in your language, as you're talking, you naturally see yourself as like these different parts.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_02: And like I do think that obviously that could come over time of like you kind of working through this and like you're saying, of like unblending.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I feel like I've heard of IFS and like logically it makes sense to me.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: But I feel like it's really good uh language, especially like, for example, I personally am not that great at setting boundaries with my family.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_02: But with my friends or like with colleagues, I'm usually, I'm usually pretty good with clients.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm usually pretty good at boundaries.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_02: And it's funny because I'll hear all of the time.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like my clients will be like, well, I don't want to step over your boundaries, but I feel like if I did, like I feel like you're you're pretty good and you would tell me.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, that's so interesting because my family's over here walking across the line all the time because I've never set up a line.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: And so it's interesting that there's like, there's different parts of me that like feel really good with boundaries.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: So like making absolute statements have always been very difficult for me because I'm like, I feel like if I say I'm good with boundaries, that's not true.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: And if I say I'm not good with boundaries, that's also not true.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: And lately I've been feeling because I'm like working through this inner child stuff and like my family, and you know, hopefully getting better fucking boundaries with my family, because that that's always the goal.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm finding myself having decision fatigue.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: Like I don't have a lot of space to make decisions.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_02: And so I'm sitting here and I'm like, is it because like my hands are in too many pots?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_02: And like my hands are always in lots of pots.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: And to be honest, I kind of enjoy that.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: But I feel like right now with the angel and the devil and like the different parts, I'm having to consciously spend a lot of energy kind of moving and making decisions on like which part am I going to listen to?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like now I'm making so many external decisions because like, and I'm also making so many internal decisions that I'm like, I don't want to make any more decisions.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_02: So I feel like you just talking about this is really, really helpful at giving myself a little bit more grace of like, hey, you got parts needing different things that are popping their head up that haven't been able to pop their head up for a very long time.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_02: They just want some some grace and some love and maybe some space.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_02: And that's why I don't have the capacity right now to make as many external decisions as maybe I've been able to make before.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I love it.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: So I would just notice what happens for you when you say a part of me is really good, actually, probably rigid, not in a bad way, but rigid with boundaries with clients.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: And another part of me really has a hard time with boundaries with my family.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like what happens to you when you just notice that?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I feel like I can make a statement and be like, yeah, true.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like Chuck.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, Chuck.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_03: And is there any softening or is there any, like, what is there, what do you notice inside?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_03: Not just sort of true, but just like what do you what else do you notice?
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I feel like both parts are kind of like, yeah, girl, like you see me type thing.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_02: Like acknowledgement.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: And does it feel how are you feeling towards both?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: One sort of these are polarized parts, actually, right?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: One that's like no boundaries and one's rigid boundaries.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: So how are you feeling towards both of these parts?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_02: My rigid boundaries make me feel like a badass.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just like, dude, I'm a boss ass bitch.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_02: And then the other boundaries with my family.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just like, like, how like how have we not learned by now?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so the one that says, How do how have we not learned by now?
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: I wonder if that one can just give you some space so you can bring a little more curiosity to the one that's having a hard time with boundaries.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: What do you mean?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: So there's one that's so so you have one that's having a hard time with boundaries, and then you have another part that's like, girl, get it together.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: Why haven't you learned?
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's not you.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_03: That's another part of you.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_03: And so the one that's like, girl, get it together.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: See if it can just sort of come beside you or even go into a waiting room so you can bring a little bit more like heart-opening curiosity to this one.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's having a hard time with boundaries.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, cool.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and then turn towards the one that's having a hard time with boundaries with family and just check and see how you're feeling towards her now.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_02: I just feel sad for her.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_03: Aw, okay.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_02: I feel sad for her.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's so funny because my next question was going to be like, hey, so how do we move through this stuff?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: So for our listeners, weird going through a live demo.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_02: And no, we did not plan this.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, what was your question?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, what is this?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: So what's tell me about the sadness?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_03: So you're feeling sad for her.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like where do you notice the sadness in your body?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's like in my like in my back on the right.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: And does it feel like compassion or does it feel like another part?
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_02: It I I don't understand.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_03: Um, does it feel like a part that's like uh is there energy around the sadness, or does it feel like an open-hearted sadness?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like an open-hearted sadness.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, okay.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_03: And so when you have this open-hearted sadness, see what happens if you imagine letting this little part that's having a hard time with boundaries with family, see if you can let her know that you're feeling this open-hearted sadness towards her and just see how she responds to you.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she basically just like wants my attention.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: And do you get an image, shape, or color of her?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I feel like I can like see my childhood bedroom and her like sitting on the bed and like not really having anybody.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: In her where are you in the room?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_03: At the door.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and do you see yourself at the door or are you seeing through your eyes?
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_02: Uh seeing myself at the door.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so see if that part that's helping you do that, see if it'll just give you some space so that you can actually imagine that you're in the room looking at this little girl.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, that's so interesting.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and how are you feeling towards her now?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I feel like I'm an adult and like I can help.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so see if she can notice you.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_03: See if she looks up and notices you, and you can say, hey, I'm an adult, I can help, and just see how she responds.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she's receptive.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: And what does she want you to know about how she's doing and what's happening for her?
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_02: She wants me to know that it's really hard for her.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_03: Can she say more?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's really hard for her, and she just doesn't want to do like she doesn't want to hold it all anymore.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_03: Does she know how old she is?
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, she's seven.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: And when she looks at you, how old does she think you are?
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like 16.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, so let her know how old you are, actually.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_03: And what does she think if she gives it to you to hold?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_03: So she can be a seven-year-old and she can do seven-year-old things.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think she's been like waiting for that.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's probably why she's trying to get my attention.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 30:09
  unknown: Yeah.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_03: So ask her if she's ready to come out of that bedroom.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_03: And she can come with you to the present, or she can go to an imaginary place with you.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she said gladly.
• 30:21
  unknown: Great.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_02: Fucking socks here.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_03: I love it.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_03: So ask her where she wants to go.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she wants to come to my house.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_03: So show her around your house.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_03: And then ask her how does she want to get rid of this burden she's been holding?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_03: This burden she's been carrying.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_03: She feels like she's been having to hold it, carry it all.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_03: And she can give that up to the ground, the air, the water.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she wants to burn it on a bonfire in the backyard.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: Perfect.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, so go with her to the backyard.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: And have her take that burden out of her heart, her head, her mind, her body.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_03: And put that in the fire.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: And then just have her check her body to see if there's anything else that doesn't belong to her.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: Anything else that she's been carrying that she doesn't want, she doesn't need anymore, and have her put that in the fire.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 31:26
  unknown: All right.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_03: And so ask her what does she want to do?
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: What would she like to do now?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_02: She just wants to run around.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_02: She wants to be like a a a silly little goose.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because she's seven.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_03: Because she's seven.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: So does she want to run around with you?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: Does she want to play with you?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_03: She kind of wants to like play by herself.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 31:44
  unknown: All right.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_03: Let her know that she can do that.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_03: You'll be right here whenever she needs a snack.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_03: She's ready for a nap.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: You'll be right here.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_02: Cool.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's that's really cool.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks for walking us through that.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like Shay, I don't I don't want to speak for her, but I feel like you got something out of it too.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Mariah and I always joke that we're like walking the same journey.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: So that was very helpful for me.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I am curious, Mariah, do you care if I jump in here?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Or would you want to reflect on that?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: No, go ahead.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I know about the idea.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: You mentioned exile.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_01: There's parts of you.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, first of all, before we get that deep, one thing I am continually blown away by is how many parts show up.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: So you're you were so good at saying, like, oh, that's another part, and that's another part.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: And that's even I've been kind of playing with this language for a few years now, that's still difficult to like be able to identify those different parts, but there's part roles that the parts play.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: I heard you say exile earlier.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's also managers, parts that are a little bit more like manager managerial.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mind talking about those two a little bit more?
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_03: So our system is made.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_03: So thank you, first of all.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for doing that.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: That was beautiful.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: And I just went with it.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_03: So it was awesome.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_02: It was, it was really good.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_02: It was really cool.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_03: So um just you're gonna probably feel a little bit vulnerable today and like drink lots of water and also encourage people to like journal, like journal about that, come back to that seven-year-old, check in with her.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds like there's also maybe a 16-year-old involved in this because she thought you were 16.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_02: Girl, there are so many fucking parts that have literally I was meditating the other day.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's why it's all in divine timing, right?
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, but I was meditating the other day and literally I saw like a five-year-old part, a seven-year-old part, a 16-year-old part, a 22-year-old part.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then there's me.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_02: And in the meditation, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do with all you guys.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like, all you guys are pissed off and you're sad.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm just like, I don't know what the fuck to do with you guys.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna answer this question about uh personality systems.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_03: But the one that doesn't know what to do with them, that's another part.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_03: And so the one that doesn't know, I would see if that one go to a waiting room, come beside you or behind you, and check for self-energy.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_03: So we check for self-energy by these C words calm, compassionate, curious, open-hearted.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_03: That's not a C word, but we're just gonna check and see, okay, so there's all these parts here.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm there all these different ages.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_03: How am I feeling towards them?
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's a magic question in IFS.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_03: How am I feeling towards them?
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_03: And until I can feel some of that self-energy quality, I'm gonna get these other parts to step back.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_03: I'm annoyed with them, I'm overwhelmed by them, I'm flooded by them.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, totally.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_03: That makes sense.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_03: These parts, there's nothing wrong with them, but I'm gonna get them to step back, go to a waiting room, come beside me, come to a place of honor and watch if they want to.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_03: And then I turn my attention back to this group of three, five, seven, six, ten, twenty-two.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna turn my attention back to them, check and see how I'm feeling.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_03: And even if I'm like, I'm right here, I'm right here.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_03: I self am not overwhelmed by those parts.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not overwhelmed, I'm not scared, I'm not flooded, I'm right here.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have a I don't have an agenda to do anything, right?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have to fix anything, change anything.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just, I'm right here.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_03: Hi.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm right here.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_03: Think of it as like well, okay.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_03: So think about when if you were little, if you were like in nursery school and there was like 20 kids in nursery school and there was no adult there.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_03: And what would happen if an adult walked in the room?
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_03: A dog walked, an adult walked in the room that's loving, that's gonna give me a snack and make sure I have a nice place to take a nap and is gonna take care of me.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_03: That's a huge difference.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_03: So you have all these parts there, and the adult you walks in the room, comes to them, and you're like, hi, hi, I'm right here, right?
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not here to saw, I'm not like you take a nap, you have some goldfish, you did da da da da da da da da.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: No, you're just sort of like, I just walked in the room.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like, imagine the power of a loving presence walking into the room with these parts that are scared and they don't know what's going on.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_03: They feel alone, they feel danger, danger, danger, danger.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_03: And then the adult walks in.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm right here.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_02: That's so good.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's so good.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like it's just really okay.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: So, like, and we can go back to Shay's question, but I just want to say, I feel like I understood IFS from like a super basic level of like, we have a managerial part and we have an exile.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm just like, that's it.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_02: I feel I feel like your girl has a lot more parts than that.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_02: So I feel like this example and like walking through that example and like the way that you see so many different parts.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_02: I know that it comes natural to you, but like as somebody that that doesn't come natural to, I just want to let you know that like it's really fucking validating.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you for sharing.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_03: Um, yeah, you're welcome.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being open and vulnerable.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, for sure.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_03: So for people that are just starting, I really do want you just to begin to notice as you go about your day.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like, don't do anything different.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_03: Go about your day because we all have, we all have like frequent flyer major player parts.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_03: So if I go throughout my day today, I'm gonna notice, right?
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_03: The part of me that doesn't want to get out, like I'm gonna feel I don't want to get out of bed today.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna feel like overly functioning.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, what's happening with basketball and the dentist and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_03: So these over functioning mom parts.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then I'm just gonna notice, notice the energies, notice the feelings, notice the sensation, notice the talk, the self-talk.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe I could just write a, I do a lot of like write a P with a circle around it.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what did I just say to myself?
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_03: You're a stupid idiot.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I'm just gonna write that down.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'm curious, like some part just called me a stupid idiot, right?
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_03: Or this, I don't know.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm just gonna start noticing what's here, noticing what's here and give it a name of a part, right?
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me says I'm a stupid idiot.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_03: Part of me is like, mom says, bring me over dinner, and you have a million things to do, and you go ahead and bring mom over dinner because you have no boundaries, which I'm putting in quotes.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: Verse, okay, wait a minute, what's happening?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_03: I just did something that I didn't really want to do and I didn't have time to do.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_03: So let me just write that down as huh.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_03: A part of me just did something I don't really want to do.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm just gonna start noticing that, but you don't have to, you don't have to do the beautiful piece of work you just did.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_03: You can just start noticing just every day what's happening.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_03: What are the parts of me that are active every day?
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um does that make sense?
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_03: So the thing that I don't want people to get caught up in, and they all do, we all do.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just gonna say that.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_03: So, first of all, let me say that we can begin to track and map our parts.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's important.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_03: Do that.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_03: A pardon me this, a party me that.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_03: Interesting, curious.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I want you to do.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's your takeaway.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_03: Secondly, we have these terms that we call protectors.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_03: So we have parts that protect us.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_03: We have two different types of protectors.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_03: They're called managers and firefighters.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_03: We have parts that need protecting, those are called exiles.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: So if you think of a house, think of a house that in the front of the house, the top of the house are managers and firefighters, and the bottom of the house in the basement are the exiles.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_03: So exiles are the parts that need to be protected.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_03: Those are our younger parts.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_03: They're all actually usually younger parts, but these are our parts that have been exiled because they they have core beliefs or burdens.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_03: We say in IFS, they're burdens of I am no good, I am bad, they feel shame, they um I'm not worthy, I'm unlovable, I shouldn't exist.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's one of my main burdens is I shouldn't exist, I shouldn't even be here anyways.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I hear that all the time.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_03: I should even be here anyways.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, why do I think that?
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_03: Because I have a part that has this burden of I shouldn't exist, right?
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_03: So this is a true story, right?
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_03: I have this part that says I shouldn't even exist, I shouldn't even be here.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't want to feel that, right?
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't want to feel so okay, real life example.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to feel that I shouldn't exist.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_03: So I have parts of me, my protector parts, that are like, I don't want to feel that.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_03: Let's throw that in the basement.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_03: And then my managers are gonna make sure that I never feel that, right?
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_03: I never want that little part and her burden to come up from the stairs.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_03: So a manager works ahead of me.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_03: And we love our managers, right?
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_03: Over functioning, successful, perfect, perfect, critical, go, go, go.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_03: Like, who do you want me to be?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_03: That's who I'll be.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh yeah, we love them.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_03: They could be super critical of us, but we love them because they make us look pretty.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_03: So they work really hard to make sure that we're never triggered, basically that we're never triggered, that exile never comes up from the basement, right?
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_03: So I never feel like I shouldn't even be here.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: I shouldn't even exist.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_03: Does that make sense?
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_03: That's my manager.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_03: But unfortunately, we live in a world and everyone else has parts too.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_03: And there's other reasons why this happens too, because our managers do this job, they have this job to do, and it's exhausting.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_03: And they're often like these parentified children, right?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_03: So it's like we've got like five-year-olds that are trying to like feed the family.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like, how well you can't do that.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_03: You're five, sweetheart.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like, no.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so then what happens is my exile gets triggered, right?
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like I shouldn't even exist, gets triggered, that burning gets triggered, and then my firefighter comes in after the exile is triggered.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_03: So people make a big deal about managers and firefighters.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_03: The only thing they they are different, but if you think about it simply, the manager tries to make sure that the exile is never triggered.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_03: The firefighter comes in when it is triggered.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_03: So the firefighter is gonna have more energy because hello, the exile just came up from the basement.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_03: So we're gonna do whatever we need to do to kick that exile back down to the basement.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_03: So our firefighters are gonna be the parts that cause the problems.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_03: They're gonna be drinking and using drugs and looking at porn and shopping and being an asshole.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_03: And they're just, and so those are parts that often we don't like because they're going to do anything.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like they're fighting the fire, right?
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_03: A firefighter destroys the house to save the people inside.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: The firefighter parts of you will do anything.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like they're like, we're going to die if I don't drink this drink, right?
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_03: So other parts of you are like, we're about to lose our family, we're gonna lose our home, we're gonna lose our business.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_03: The firefighter is like, I do not care, we're about to die.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_03: So that's why you sort of we have these talk about like disharmony.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_03: We sort of do things that are gonna cause us huge problems, right?
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I if I keep looking at porn, I'm gonna lose my family.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_03: And you keep looking at porn.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_03: That's why.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_03: Because there's a part that's like the firefighter part.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I'm oversimplifying this, but that firefighter part is like if we don't do this thing, then the exile is gonna come in from the basement.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_03: So we've got managers of firefighters and exiles.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_03: Those are the categories of parts, and then we have self.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_01: I know that vocab may be a turnoff, as Mariah shared for some people, but for me, I really struggled with inner critic and a really loud inner voice and being able to separate those pieces and understand the roles, and especially even having a little bit more sympathy for the firefighter, and like they're just kind of in this fight or flight mode and then acting accordingly.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's this idea of giving yourself grace.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_01: And just because there's a part of me that feels this way, it is not me, right?
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: Me is this loving kindness that I can bring to any situation.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I just can't thank you enough, Tammy.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: The way you talk about this has helped me understand this like exponentially more than I even thought I would.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be cognizant of your time.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I know you've got to get out of here in a little bit.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, is there any way?
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm sure so many people are gonna be listening to this podcast and like, I want to know more.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you have a whole podcast about this and you have social media.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mind telling us like how could our people follow along with you and learn more?
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_03: Totally, yeah.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm on Instagram at IFS Tammy, and I do try to um do a little bit of like teaching and little videos and stuff like that, but but I try also try not to make it too rigid so that like my parts can like like do this stuff and make it fun.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_03: Otherwise, it's not gonna be fun.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna do it.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_03: It so it's like okay, how do we make this stuff sustainable?
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_03: So I have to do a little negotiating with some of my parts.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um that are like, yeah, post a video every Thursday, and other parts, and you're like, no, that's not be written.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so I'm IFS Tammy on Instagram, uh, there's the one inside Facebook group, um, and there's the one inside on YouTube, and they're all they're all kind of connected.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_03: So and then there's a book.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_03: So I wrote a book called The One Inside 30 Days to Your Authentic Self.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it really is for um beginners.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_03: You can grab the book and it really teaches you the IFS model, and then it's small, and so you can really work through um one day at a time, just getting to know your inner world, just trying to get to know your inner world in a way that doesn't feel so overwhelming.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_03: So there's the book, there's the podcast where I talk to people in the IFS community, and then all the other things, all the other things.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_02: So we are definitely going to link in the show notes, and like that's just so many resources.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_02: For like people that because I feel like in the mental health space a lot, it's kind of like find a therapist, like find somebody.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_02: And like, yes, there is absolutely is magic in that, but I do think that like as a society, we're also craving things that we can kind of like nod on our head like oh, dude, we're dealing with so many parts.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like, isn't there something that I can do in between therapy sessions or just like on my own, maybe to get me a little used to this before I reach out to somebody?
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you for creating so many resources for people because I feel like that's it's really, really needed coming from a space of, like you said, making it fun, not making it too rigid tower.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_02: There's only one way to do this, and like instead, really leaning into curiosity.
• 45:40
  unknown: Yeah, I love that.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, um, okay, so before we let you go, we do have one more question that we ask everybody on the podcast.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_02: What has been sparking your curiosity lately?
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_03: It's gonna be really personal.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's great, yeah.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so what's been sparking my curiosity is this belief that a part of me has that I'll never have like a loving romantic relationship.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um and I used to say that all the time.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like I was married for almost 30 years and divorced for three years, and um I have a part that has said forever, well, I just don't get that.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like I get I have great friends, I have a great family, I have a great career, I have lots of things that I love about my life.
• 46:37
  SPEAKER_03: I have a I haven't gone through infertility forever, so I have a son.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um I have such a beautiful life, but I have a part that has said, but you don't get that.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_03: Because you get all this other stuff, you don't get that.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_03: And the thing that's interesting, what sparked my curiosity, is I don't I don't know that I've realized that was a part.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_03: To me, that was just facts.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_03: And so I know that sounds silly because you're like, here, you're an IFS expert, but I'm like, oh, that felt like truth to me.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's where I'm like, oh, that might not be true.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm curious about the part of me that needed to tell me that was true.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't have an answer, but I have a lot of curiosity around this idea that I thought it was fact, didn't realize it was a part, and then that curiosity around where did that come from?
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_03: Where where and how has that protected me?
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like that fact has really protected me for a really long time.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm 50 years old, like so.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_03: Anyways, that's that's what my curiosity is.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like thank you so much for sharing that.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_02: And like it's also I know I know that like um it's not cool, like in itself, but also like it's really uh validating that like to hear that people that have studied IFS for X amount of years, like there's still stuff that's like hidden, like this human journey of being on this planet is like never complete.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I feel like we can easily slide into this, like, yeah, but when I get to that endpoint, I'll have it all figured out and we've all been there.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_02: And also, the journey is never over.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_02: And do we want that to be debilitating or do we want that to be inspiring?
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I feel like people sharing real human examples and questions of like your curiosity went there, and sharing that with us, I feel like it just makes us all feel like we're in this together.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_02: We all got bullshit, we all have like baggage that like we haven't noticed.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_02: I was just talking to Shay before we hit record, and I was like, girl, I've been on a journey for 10 years figuring myself out.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean I am not an angel with wings on?
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean?
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_02: And so, like, thank you so much for sharing that.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_03: I love it.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_03: I 100% agree with you.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_03: I think that if you um I mean relationships are what's gonna grab that stuff out of you because there's all this attachment stuff, and um, yeah, and I don't want to be stale, right?
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like, and so go through a divorce, a new relationship, a breakup, have a teenager.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know, so uh I want to be open to those parts.
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_03: And I, you know, I don't want to live with thinking that's a fact, and then that that might not be a fact, that might not be a fact that's true about me.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um, so yeah, I don't, I don't want, and then and then I would be curious at the parts of people that do say this is as far as I get, right?
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like, or this is my journey, I don't have to work on myself anymore, or like those are the parts, those are parts telling you you're you can't change, you can't grow.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I I would be really curious about those parts and how they're like how are your self-help parts showing up?
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_03: That would be interesting.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_02: So fucking empowering.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just like, what the facts am I supposed to?
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like I feel like that is my name, Mariah.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I can't thank you enough for blessing us with your time today.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_01: This has been um a joy of an episode, and you've given all of us a lot more to be curious about.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the fact that this is all tied back to the power.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times we're in this work and we're like, where do I start?
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_01: Where do I go next?
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: But curiosity is really the guide here.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: You guys like that is going to be what helps you direct yourself throughout all of this.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: So be careful with yourselves, be curious, follow me.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: We'll make sure to leave all of her information in the show notes.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I think we're ready to close this episode down.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, friends, you have the power to create whatever the hell you want.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: Follow the nudge, ask questions, and let curiosity guide the way.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll see you in the next episode.