Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 143. I Didn’t Just Lose a Bridesmaid… I Lost a Best Friend

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143. I Didn’t Just Lose a Bridesmaid… I Lost a Best Friend · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogee production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment, Girl.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of best the advice We're
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: going to be sharing with you and bring in your
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: anonymous obmissions. We don't even know who brings thesey in, okay,
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: there's no way for us to understand or see who
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: puts these in. So if you have any questions, anything
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: that you're going through and something that you want to
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: bring in that you have a bit of a sticky
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: situation with, you're more than welcome to put it in.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: You send us a DM, or you can do it
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: in our Facebook forum as well. More context are better, Yes,
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: just like this one I've got coming for you now.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I've got five bridesmaids. One of them I've known for
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: ten years. She's older than me and was once my boss,
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: but our bond grew beyond that. We talk on the
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: phone for hours after work, and I was there for
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: her through some of her really big life changes, agement,
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: becoming a step parent to a teenage boy, and most heartbreakingly,
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: the loss of her father. Just seven months ago, when
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I got engaged, I asked her to be in my
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  Speaker 2: bridal party. She was thrilled also, I thought, but looking back,
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  Speaker 2: there were signs that she was hesitant. She delayed telling
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: a mutual friend, someone who had always been kind of
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  Speaker 2: jealous about closeness. I didn't think much of it at
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: the time. She missed my bridle gown fitting, and that
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: was totally fine. It was midweek and I'm a pretty
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: chill bride. But then it came to the bridesmaid's dress
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: fitting day and it was booked well in advance. I
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: hadn't heard from her, so I reached out to check
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: in and that when she dropped the bombshell she was
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: pulling out of the wedding all together. She said that
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: she was overwhelmed, had too much going on emotionally, and
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: just couldn't do it.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: I was devastated, hurt, confused, and blindsided. Would she have
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  Speaker 2: told me if I hadn't reminded her she wasn't doing
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  Speaker 2: anything that day? She could have still come to support
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: me as a friend, even if she wasn't ready to
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: commit to the role. That night, we spoke again and
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: her tone completely changed. She wasn't warm or the familiar
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  Speaker 2: friend that I knew. It felt like she was talking
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  Speaker 2: down to me, like I was back at work and
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: she was my boss. She told me to give her
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: four weeks to decide for sure, as if being in
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: my wedding was a job interview. Oh my god, I
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: didn't feel like love. It felt transactional. Since that call,
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I haven't heard from her, not one check in. But
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: here's the kicker. We were already meant to be going
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: away this weekend with that mutual friend. The plan was
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: made weeks ago, but now I'm questioning whether I even
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: want to go. I feel exposed, like I've been demoted
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: from friend to an afterthought, and I keep asking myself,
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: is this really about her grief or am I being
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  Speaker 2: quietly phased out of her life reflection. I'm trying to
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: give her grace. I know grief changes people, and I
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: haven't lost a parent, so maybe I can't fully understand.
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  Speaker 2: But at the same time, I'm allowed to feel hurt.
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  Speaker 2: I've shown up for her for years, and right now
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  Speaker 2: this is a once in a lifetime moment, and I
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: needed her to show up for me. It's hard not
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: to feel the situation is revealing something deeper about our friendship.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Maybe the balance has been off for a while, that
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: maybe I've made more space for her life than what
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: she's been willing to make for mine. And so that's
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: where I'm at, a bit heartbroken and still trying to decide.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Do I go away this weekend and pretend everything's fine,
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  Speaker 2: or do I take a step back and protect my energy.
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  Speaker 2: Have you ever had a close friend step away from
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  Speaker 2: a big moment in your life? How did you handle it?
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  Speaker 2: I think more of us go through this than we
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  Speaker 2: talk about or can openly express, in case we are
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: considered the bad guy for feeling emotions and being upset.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, that's really really hard. There's a few lays there,
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  Speaker 1: because grief, Yeah, does change people, and everyone grieves so differently,
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  Speaker 1: and sometimes they push away the people we love the most.
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  Speaker 1: But also, yeah, this is your wedding. I just I
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: think being asked this, in my personal opinion, being asked
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: to be a bridesmaid is one of life's biggest honors.
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  Speaker 1: It is such a special time. I would just not
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  Speaker 1: miss that for anything. I am in a situation soon
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  Speaker 1: where I have to go somewhere where there's going to
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  Speaker 1: be someone that I don't want to interact with And
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: there's been moments where I've wanted to pull out, but
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  Speaker 1: I won't do that to the person that it's their event,
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  Speaker 1: So I can understand the eackiness. I think if I
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: was you, I probably would go this weekend, but I'd
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: have some conversations there. Yeah, I think this is actually
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: a really good opportunity to get a lot of clarity
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: and to sit her down and just say, hey, I
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: feel this energy is off. I can only assume because
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: we haven't spoken, but is there anything you want to
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: talk about? Is there something that I've done, something I
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: can say sorry for? Where are you at? You know?
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  Speaker 1: Is it another way I can support you? Is this
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  Speaker 1: it for our friendship? I can feel you pulling away?
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  Speaker 1: Do you just need space? Like there's so many questions
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: that you could ask to get more clarity. Absolutely, when
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: you're going away for the weekend, she might be a
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: bit more regulated because she's got the time and space
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to have those conversations as well. And then some things
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: might come to the surface that you're unaware of and
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: then you can work through it or can be the
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: end of the road for your journey as well. At
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: least you have clarity then, so I'd be going, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I really like what you said about how you
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: acknowledge your own feelings. You said, but I'm allowed to
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: be heard about this too. I think that's really important
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: to know that just because somebody's going through something doesn't
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: mean that your emotions don't exist, because you're both having
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: your own experience and that they both get to be
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  Speaker 2: true and it both gets to be real for you.
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  Speaker 1: You got. It reminded me of that when I go
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  Speaker 1: through something, when I'm like overly taking response overly like
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, but it's for them, and da da day,
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  Speaker 1: You're like, yes, but it's equally as hard for you
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  Speaker 1: because you're still experiencing this. And it's really nice to
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: hear that, because sometimes you just always park your own
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: feelings and emotions to protect someone else or to not
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: cause problems and be the peacemaker. Then you suppress how
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  Speaker 1: you feel and it's like that doesn't feel nice either.
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  Speaker 1: It's definitely so easy to do.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what situation it is, because you're always
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: trying to be considerate or putting yourself in somebody else's
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  Speaker 2: shoes of how they might be feeling. But to what
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  Speaker 2: extent exactly. So, yes, it's great that you've considered her
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: in this, but what do you want out of this dynamic?
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  Speaker 1: Like this is your special day?
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  Speaker 2: And yes you I'm sure, And it sounds like you've
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  Speaker 2: held a lot of space for her and her grief
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: and have been through there through every up and down,
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: which is amazing. And also now this is where you
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: get to really call her forward in this too of
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  Speaker 2: like a hay like this is a really important day
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  Speaker 2: to me, Like, I know and understand that you're going
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  Speaker 2: through some stuff, but I can't help but feel you
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  Speaker 2: have some resistance to my wedding and it has nothing
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  Speaker 2: to do with your grief. Is this true for you?
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  Speaker 2: Like can we explore that? I think that might be
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  Speaker 2: a really cool way to kind of explore and question
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  Speaker 2: what's really.
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  Speaker 1: Coming up for her? That's beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: You'll never know unless you ask. Like there's been a
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: lot of bestI advice stuff on things that are just
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  Speaker 2: revolve around conversation.
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  Speaker 1: Honestly, majority that comes in it has come down in conversation. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: the bravery to have the conversations, how to have the conversations,
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  Speaker 1: how to hold the space, how to ask the right questions,
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  Speaker 1: how to navigate it. But we avoid because we're scared
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: or we don't know how they're going to react, and
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  Speaker 1: we can only assume. But assuming is the opposite of communication.
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  Speaker 2: That's right. Yeah, it only gets worse in your head.
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  Speaker 2: Does you know when you feel someone's pulling away, you're like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: why they're doing it? Does she not want to come
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  Speaker 2: to my wedding? Does she not like me anymore? Is
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Not wrong?
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: And then you know she's just over here just having
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: a real hard time. Yeah, Or there is something going
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  Speaker 2: on for her and what you're feeling is true. Yah,
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  Speaker 2: it's just so it can absolutely be the case, and
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  Speaker 2: she's just not able to be brave enough to be
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  Speaker 2: honest with you about that, do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 2: So it's really like a communication thing. And if this
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  Speaker 2: person is as important to you as you say that
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  Speaker 2: she is, yeah, call her, Yeah, pull her hate There's
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: something really important that I need to talk to you about. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to need you to listen to me because
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: it feels scary to bring this in and I don't
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: know how you're going to react or respond, but I
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: just needed to listen to me for five minutes.
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  Speaker 1: Can you do that? Because you're more important to me
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  Speaker 1: to have this conversation than to just avoid.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and be honest, like hey, Like when you
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: pulled out of my wedding, I felt heartbroken. This is
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: a very important day of my life and I really
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: want you to be there.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: You know what through grief too, And I can only
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: speak from my own experience too, but even this year,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: going through a bit of grief is I did feel
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  Speaker 1: like a burden to be around because I was so
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: sad all the time. Yeah, I felt there was moments
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: where I just wanted to pull in and not be
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: with anyone because I just felt like I was in
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: this low sad state and I needed to be in
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: there because I needed to feel it all. But I
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: definitely could feel myself not wanting to be around people. Yeah,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: and even the person that was grieving the most, I
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: felt there was moments of that too, and we had
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: to come together and communicate and chat about how we
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: were both feeling. And that brings connection and brings fundability
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: and you can be on that journey together. So your
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: friend might be doing that because she feels like that
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: she might be pushing everyone away because she just is
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: not coping and does want to feel like a burden,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: doesn'tant to keep talking about it. Yes, and she's really
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: not coping, so her way to cope is to avoid. Yeah,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: and that's a coping mechanism for so many people, of course.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: So if that is the case, at least, if she
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: can acknowledge that and talk about that, then you can
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: give the space so you can say, hey, you're never
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: too much for me. You can bring this in a
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: million times. You can bring this in for the next
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: thirty years if you need to. I will always have
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: space to hear about your dad. Yeah. I always want
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: to hear about him. I always want to know where
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: your heart's at, and I will always be here to
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: hold you through that. It might just be exactly what
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: she needs to hear to go, oh fuck, I don't
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: have to do this alone, you know, which is what
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: I went through too.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: It's so true. And you know what, maybe like big
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: social events like that for her just feel like, oh,
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: that's a lot of energy.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if I can hold that. So
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I'm playing Devil's advocate here and just seeing from her
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: point of view, potentially it could just be a thing
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: for her being like, oh, that feels like a lot
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: of energy that I can't give, and right now small
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: talk feels like a really big stretch for me.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: You know, when you go a environments.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: See people that you haven't met before, you know, or
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: see people that.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Don't love it, to be honest, yeah, go on coming
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: up and like we know no one there.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So it's like sometimes that is like the inner
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: thought process of like I'm already drowning right now?
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Am I going to be able to hold this? And
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: that can be a conversation of Okay, like when you
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: walk down the aisle and we have our ceremony, like
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: do you want to have go have space or do
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: you not want to come to the reception or what's
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: the way that we can work this out? It feels
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I like that that's really good. Actually, then she's still
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: showing up for you, but you're also meeting in the
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: middle and it's a compromised where it.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Feels too much for her. Yeah, like it's the whole
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: wedding too much. Do you have the capacity for just
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: this part or whichever part feels like more special to
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: you and that you want to be a part of.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I think I would feel good with that that she
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: could walk down the aisle and see that part and
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: understand that she doesn't want to be there for the
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: part of it, the speeches, and be the small talk
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: that makes sense, that's understandable. I think it's a happy
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: medium there that you guys can meet in the middle
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: and be there for each other.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Or if you end up having a conversation where she
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: just says, I absolutely cannot go. It will take everything
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: out of me to go, and I just I'm sorry
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: I can't meet you here. I wonder if it's a
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: conversation around how else you can celebrate this special day
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: of yours, you know, just plugged in time, just you two,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: you know, And I know that that's like a stretch,
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: and I know I.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Feel imagine just role playing. Imagine me saying that to
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: you and your wedding day, babe, I will die. Yeah,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like if you I didn't
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: know you when I was married, but if you couldn't
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: come to my wedding, I probably would cancel my wedding
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: having it without her, you know what I mean, Like literally,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: or I can come to yours. It just don't feel wrong.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: It would feel so right. So I feel for her
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: and that it's like, I don't know if there is
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: another way to celebrate it, make it happen.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, I was gonna say, There's no way I'd
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: be saying that to you.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: No, I'd be like, I'm sorry, you have to come,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: you were coming. Yeah, this is non negotiable. Literally start
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: up to be my best friend because part of it.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Have a good day, and I'm going to make sure
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: I'm there for you as well. Yeah, going to be
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: there for each other. That's a good point. We're going
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: to hold you and you're gonna celebrate me. We're gonna
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: do this together because that's what we do.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: I think communication finding a happy medium that feels good
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: for both of you, and also when you both feel
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: hurt and seen by each other, whatever is sitting in
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: between you will dissolve so quickly.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: We also still need more context. This is us assuming
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: how she might be feeling, yes, and just trying to
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: cover all bases of it might be coming up. So
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: hopefully we've covered it and hopefully when you go this weekend,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I hope you've gone. If if this is too late,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: hopefully you can have the conversations and get clarity regardless.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: But it all comes down to you, guys, having a conversation.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: It does, it really does. Be brave, hold the torch,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: lead the way, show them how safe it is to
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: talk to you. Be that person. Be willing to go first. Yes, yes,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: you've got this all right. Thanks for joining me the
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: next time. Bye,