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Why Success Doesn’t Make You Feel Good Enough: Healing Self-Worth & Starting Over · Bent Not Broken: Starting Over After Divorce | Post Divorce Life

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever looked at someone and thought she has it all together?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's successful.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: She's confident.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: She's accomplished.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: She walks into a room like she belongs there.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But what if underneath all of that she's quietly wondering, Am I really good enough?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do I belong here?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: What if everyone finds out I'm not who they think I am?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Bent Not Broken.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Coach Deborah and today I want to continue a conversation we started in my recent episode with singer, songwriter, author, and educator Makan Taylor.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Makan has performed with some of the biggest names in music, including Pink Floyd, Sting, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, and Aretha Franklin.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine standing on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people and still wondering if you're enough.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what Makan described.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it reminded me of something I think so many women need to hear.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Success does not automatically heal your wounds.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: We sometimes think that if we can just accomplish enough, we'll finally feel worthy.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Get that promotion, build the business, lose the weight, find the relationship, write the book, raise successful children, make more money, get the recognition.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Then we'll finally be able to look in the mirror and say, okay, now I'm enough.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't always work that way.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because achievement can change your circumstances, but it doesn't necessarily change the story you've been telling yourself for decades.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that story began long before you were old enough to understand what was happening.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned that you had to be perfect to receive praise.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned to keep the peace.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you grew up feeling different or like you didn't belong.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone repeatedly criticized you, controlled you, dismissed you, or made you question your wars.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you spent years in a marriage where you slowly disappeared.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Those experiences can follow us.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: We can become incredibly accomplished and still carry the voice of that frightened little girl inside us asking, Am I enough yet?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Something Makan said during our conversation really stayed with me.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: She's described performing as a way of hiding in plain sight.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can be visible to hundreds and thousands of people and still feel unseen.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think women do this in ways that have nothing to do with standing on the stage.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: We hide behind being busy.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: We hide behind taking care of everyone else.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: We hide behind our careers.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: We hide behind perfection.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And we hide behind, I'm fine.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we become so good at functioning that we even don't recognize how much we're struggling.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why healing isn't just about getting your life back together.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's about asking, who am I underneath everything I've learned to do to survive?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Makan also talked about something else that is incredibly important.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: After growing up in a dysfunctional family, she eventually found herself in an abusive and controlling marriage.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Looking back, she could recognize connections between what she experienced growing up and what she later accepted in an adult relationship.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: That awareness matters.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes we're not choosing what is healthy, we're choosing what is familiar.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a big difference.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where healing can become uncomfortable.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because at some point we have to stop asking only, why did this happen to me?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And begin asking, What do I want to do with what I know now?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the behavior of someone who hurt us was our responsibility, it wasn't.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But our healing and our future belonged to us.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Makan eventually left that marriage.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: She described herself as broken and at rock bottom.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't know what would happen to her life, her career, or whether she would ever have another relationship.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But that wasn't the end of her story.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: She rebuilt, she did the work, she began recognizing patterns, she found herself again, and she eventually found love again.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And today she has been with her husband for nearly 30 years.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I love conversations like this.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: They remind us that the moment when everything falls apart may not be the end.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the moment we finally get the opportunity to build differently.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to give you something to think about this week.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself three questions.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Where in my life am I still trying to prove that I'm enough?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: What old story about myself am I still caring that may no longer be true?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, if I truly believed I was already enough, what would I do differently?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Would you set a boundary?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Would you stop apologizing?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Would you apply for the job?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Would you leave something that is no longer healthy?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Would you start the business?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Would you write the book?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Would you travel?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Would you finally say yes to yourself?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And don't worry about changing everything today.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just start by noticing.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness is often where we build and begin.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's one more reason I wanted to share Makan's story.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: She recently turned 70.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: She's not talking about winding down.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's talking about what's next.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking, creating, writing, possibly developing a screenplay, living, and I absolutely love that.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because somewhere along the way, women were handed this ridiculous idea that there's an expiration date on becoming who we want to be.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: At 40, you can start again.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: At 50, you can reinvent yourself.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: At 60, you can discover something completely new.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: At 70 and beyond, you can still have dreams that scare you, excite you, and make you wonder what's possible.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to become the woman you were before everything happened.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's not the goal.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the goal is to become the woman you couldn't have imagined back then.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening today and thinking, I should be further along.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I should have figured this out by now, it's too late for me.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to challenge that story.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your past can explain parts of you without defining the rest of your life.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your accomplishments don't determine your worth.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship status doesn't determine your worth.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your age doesn't determine your worth.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to prove that you deserve a new beginning.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide what happens in your next chapter.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't listened to my full conversation with McConn Taylor, go back and listen to the episode.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about childhood trauma, identity, emotional abuse, imposter syndrome, healing, self-worth, finding your voice, starting over, and why it is never too late to reinvent yourself.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Coach Deborah and this is Bent Not Broken.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you may have been bent by what happened to you, but you get to decide what happens next.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, keep moving forward and keep writing your next chapter.