Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 203. When Trust Breaks on Both Sides: Do I tell him I slept with another Man?

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203. When Trust Breaks on Both Sides: Do I tell him I slept with another Man? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apoge Production. I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Are you okay what happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Welcome back to She Rises for another segment on the
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Bestie Advice segment. Now, this is where you bring in
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: your anonymous questions or things that you're needing bestie advice on.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: And it's something that if you feel like you don't
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: really have anywhere to go, anywhere to turn to, or
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: anyone to lean on in your life, let us give
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: you our best the advice based on how we would
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: respond to each other. So, Ashy, before you take it away,
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  Speaker 3: I just want to do a quick trigger warning that
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: we are going to be talking about sexual abuse and
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: conversations relating to sexual abuse in this episode.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Yes, once again, this is completely anonymous. We have no
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: idea who's written this in, but let's get straight into it. Hi, ladies,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I love listening to your podcast. It's helped me a lot.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: I'm just wanting to know some advice and basically to
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: know whether this is wrong. So I've been with my
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: boyfriend for about a year now, and before we started dating,
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  Speaker 2: we were just messaging each other. I hadn't had any
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  Speaker 2: sexual interactions with anyone for two years. My last breakup
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  Speaker 2: was quite bad, and I've had sexual assault in my past.
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  Speaker 2: My thoughts and what my friends were encouraging me to
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  Speaker 2: do was just to find someone to have a one
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  Speaker 2: night stand with and get it over and done with
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  Speaker 2: because then I wouldn't have to speak about it or
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  Speaker 2: see them ever again, which in my mind I thought
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  Speaker 2: might have been a good idea. Then not long after,
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  Speaker 2: I end up together with my boyfriend. I don't tell
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  Speaker 2: him because I don't think that's something I need to
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  Speaker 2: tell him. Oh, so she was messaging him, but they
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  Speaker 2: weren't flew together. She had a one night stand and
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  Speaker 2: then got with him, Right, So I'm guessing the relationship
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  Speaker 2: wasn't official because they were just messaging.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Right, That's what I'm saying. It was actually in a relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Yoh, yeah, I had the one night stand. A couple
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: of months in my boyfriend goes through my room and
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  Speaker 2: finds my journal and I wrote about it in there,
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  Speaker 2: and that's how he finds out and it caused a
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  Speaker 2: massive fight and we've nearly broken up multiple times, but
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: we're still together and I don't know what to do.
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  Speaker 2: He calls me names and puts me down all the time,
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  Speaker 2: and I don't know how to go about it because
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  Speaker 2: he broke my trust reading my journal, and did I
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  Speaker 2: break his by not telling him about this. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know what to do or how to move forward from this.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks so much. I hope your girls can help me.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: You guys are so wise. Thank you.
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  Speaker 3: First of all, the fact that he's like calling you
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  Speaker 3: names and things like that is like, not, that's not okay,
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: Like I think there are multiple problems in this. It's
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: like the name calling is one thing, betraying your privacy
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: like that, and go through a journal is a whole
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: other thing like that.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Those behaviors to me are like absolute. No, I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: I personally believe that like anything that you did before
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: your relationship is irrelevant. So long as you didn't actually
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: break the commitment of like being in a relationship and
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: then did something behind his back, which it doesn't sound
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: like you did, then I don't think your past has
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: anything to do with him. It's obviously his retroactive jealousy
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: where they worry about you know who you've been into
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: the past, and what's happened prior and things like that.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: And I think if you have a healthy relationship, like
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: you should should be able to have cons like that
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: where your partner is aware of what you've done in
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: the past and that you actually had a life before
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: they existed.
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  Speaker 2: And it's pretty normal. I mean I haven't been single
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  Speaker 2: for a very long time, but even though I was single, Like,
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  Speaker 2: it's very normal when you're single to be talking to
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  Speaker 2: multiple people. Yeah, you might be messaging one, going on
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  Speaker 2: a date with one, going another date the next day.
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  Speaker 2: Like that's how you're choosing someone that you want to
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  Speaker 2: spend your life with. So if you guys were just
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  Speaker 2: messaging and there was no conversation around, you're being in
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  Speaker 2: an actual relationship. You hadn't even met or hadn't had
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  Speaker 2: any sexual interactions, there wasn't that committed like conversation. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: then you were free to go and do what you
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  Speaker 2: want to do. And if you want to have a
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: one night stand, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: So the fact that he's bringing it up now and
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  Speaker 2: putting you down in a name calling, it's like, I
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  Speaker 2: don't think that's okay, And what are you going to
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  Speaker 2: stand for? Are you going to allow this behavior to continue?
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  Speaker 2: Because if that was me, I think I'd be putting
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  Speaker 2: a pretty firm boundary in place that there isn't room
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  Speaker 2: here for you to be bringing up my past and
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  Speaker 2: calling me names in the process. And regardless of how
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: angry you are, I value respectful communication. Right now, you're
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: not respecting me. So if that's how you're going to
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: shop in this relationship, this relationship isn't.
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  Speaker 1: Going to work.
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  Speaker 2: So I think this is really like a good invitation
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  Speaker 2: for you to check in on how much were yourself
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  Speaker 2: worse at and what you're going to allow for and
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: stand for.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think you deserve to be treated like that, not.
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  Speaker 3: At all, especially because this is something that happened before
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  Speaker 3: he was around the fact that he thinks it's okay
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: to name Caul, that's right, It's never okay.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So it's like just because he's mad, it's like that's irrelevant.
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  Speaker 3: Like you don't get to be mad and also be
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: disrespectful as well. Those are two completely different things. That's
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: a choice, yeah, and he's choosing to be that in
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  Speaker 3: this moment. And also he betrayed your privacy and no
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  Speaker 3: one should go through anybody's journal, Josh, No, that is
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  Speaker 3: not okay, journals, phones, nothing. Yeah, absolutely not. That's like
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  Speaker 3: your basic human right to have privacy. That's crazy.
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  Speaker 2: He's done that, that would have been. It breaks a
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: lot of trust there, doesn't it. And you know, there's
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: a difference between we can relate being jealous of someone's
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: past and who's been through me. When I first met Steve,
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: oh my goodness, I couldn't bear the thought of him
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  Speaker 2: being with someone else, especially exes. It made me feel
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: physically ill to my stomach. But I wasn't getting angry
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  Speaker 2: at him for it. It's expressing that I'm fucking jealous
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  Speaker 2: and I don't want to lie in the bed that
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  Speaker 2: the girls been.
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  Speaker 1: Not get me. Yeah, not not blaming him though, No,
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  Speaker 1: had a life.
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  Speaker 2: I also had a life whom I to say, like,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: how dare you have a life before me?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? How dare you not wait before you knew who
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: I was and that I was in your life? Literally?
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  Speaker 2: So yeah, I think this is a cool opportunity for
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: you to stand up for yourself and put your boundaries
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: in place of what you're going to tolerate and what's
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: okay and what's not and then see how he responds
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: and how he respects your boundaries and if not, it's
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: speaking volume. There is that the kind of man that
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: you want to marry and spend the rest of your
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: life with someone that's name calling you, putting you down,
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  Speaker 2: this is your best friend? Or if mentioned if you
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: had a daughter, yeah, did this man, would you be
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: okay with her being called names?
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Because normally, like how you do one thing, it shows
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: up in other areas of your life too, So I'd
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: just be super aware of that and having some big
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: card conversations.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: It's a no go. Yeah, it's a but give us an.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Update on what you decide and how you go about it,
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  Speaker 2: and it's a really cool opportunity for you to communicate
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  Speaker 2: all of that.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: And it's not to say that, you know, he's not
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  Speaker 3: allowed to have his emotional experience. I think I think
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  Speaker 3: it's a normal human experience that, like anyone who cares
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  Speaker 3: about somebody, loves somebody is likely going to feel somewhat
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  Speaker 3: kind of triggered jealous, will have a little bit of something. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: you know, not everyone Not everyone's jealous. I've definitely met
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: some people who like it doesn't even touch the sides
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: to them. When it comes to jealousy, the jolt cannot relate.
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  Speaker 3: I am definitely jealous and territorial. But also when I
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: think about that experience, if I were to think that
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: would happen to me, For one, I wouldn't go through
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  Speaker 3: someone's journal to find it out. But if I had
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: heard that from someone, I would allow myself to have
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: my emotional experience and be like, oh, you know what,
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: like that makes me jealous, and I would communicate it.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
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  Speaker 3: It's like, you're allowed to have your experience, but it
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  Speaker 3: doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful name call
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  Speaker 3: or to disrespect somebody's privacy like that. Like what you said,
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  Speaker 3: it's just like going through somebody's phone. That's like having
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  Speaker 3: your recordings of you and your coach on your computer
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  Speaker 3: and then your partner watching them. Like that's your deepest, darkest,
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  Speaker 3: your most vulnerable, intimate moments with yourself. Like I don't
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: think anybody should, you know, unless you're willingly being like hey, babe,
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: like read this. I want you to see this different story.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: You're being invited to read something that is personal. I
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: think those two behaviors really showcase qualities in this man
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: that are probably not going to.
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  Speaker 1: Be good for you long term.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember two when I first got with Steve,
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: we had like transparent conversations around because I remember back
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: in the day when Facebook like you check in where
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: you were?
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Remember that, Yes I did.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Steven Evans have checked in with data du at the cinemas.
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  Speaker 1: Yes.
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  Speaker 2: I remember one day this girl checked in at his
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: house and Steve and I were just talking online. We
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: hadn't met yet, but I was like, oh, how dare he?
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  Speaker 2: But then I was like I was talking to other
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: men as well. You know, we're both still single. I
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: hadn't even met each other yet. Yeah, but remember we
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: decided to be together. He had this one girl who
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: kept messaging him, and I was like, I need to
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: be really honest with me, like, what was this relationship dynamic?
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Yah?
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: When did you stop contact with her? What does she
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: think it was compared to what you think it was
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: so I can get some context. And he told me
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: the whole story, and I was like, Okay, at least
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: I understand now where she's coming from and why she's jealous. Yes,
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: so if he is feeling any of that, like I
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: think he is okay to ask you questions but to
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: name call and put you down and go through your
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: private stuff, that's not okay.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: There's a way to go about it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: If you're feeling jealous and you're curious on what happened,
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: when to give more context and then you can reassure him.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's beautiful. Yeah, you're right.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: But to name Cole and put down and go through
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: your journal so boundary cross.
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: As somebody who would have been in that position, I
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: probably not the diary thing, but the finding out thing.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I probably would want to get curious and ask questions.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: So I imagine that I'd be like, hey, can I ask yes, questions, timeline,
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: When did this happen?
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: How close was it?
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: But I did?
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that sort of thing I could imagine. I
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: feel better, Yeah for sure. If you need that kind
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: of closure, then that's what gives you that.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: And it's coining to see how honest they are with
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: you too, Like I remember Steve just telling me everything
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: I wanted to know and hold back on any of it.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: And then I was a Facebook stalker and you know,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: made sure I's I went through who I'm dealing with.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: You're only younger and you do that, Yes, well I
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: did to stalk the ex's what do they look like? Then?
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Would they get up to do it?
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Now? I just saw us on Instagram. True, different, same,
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: same look. I've been married for a long time. If
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: you start dating someone, I'm going to have a little stalk. Yeah, yeah,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: of excess of their life, sting someone to have a
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: look at what their two. Yes, of course we go
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: on the tag photos, have a little looks. Yes, I
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: do that too, investigate. I get so curious tag photos
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: until you told me, oh, I'm looking at that man.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: You know, I remember looking at my own tag photos
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: a couple of years ago, being like, I've got to
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: get rid of the evidence. Oh my god, tag photos
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: from like old festivals and stuff.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I'm just like, you know, like seasons of my life
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: where I'd like gain weight and I was like deletely,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: oh so funny.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: We will have our own things, So yes, there's a
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: way to go about it for sure.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: All right, guys, thanks for joining us. We will see
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: you toury Wednesday.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Bye.