Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 225: The Boundary Sandwich: How to Set Boundaries With Kindness and Confidence

Transcript

225: The Boundary Sandwich: How to Set Boundaries With Kindness and Confidence · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Now, for those of you watching on YouTube, yes, I am sitting in my backyard today.
• 0:26
  It feels so amazing out here.
• 0:28
  I am just really grateful for the cooler temperatures.
• 0:31
  Here in northern Utah, like most of the rest of the country, it has been incredibly hot and incredibly dry, and we've had plenty of fires.
• 0:40
  In fact, there was one a couple weeks ago that was just a mile and a half from my home.
• 0:43
  We could see the ash falling in our front yard.
• 0:46
  We got a reverse 911 phone call in the middle of the night, and that was a very long night.
• 0:51
  Fortunately, our first responders, they were able to act incredibly quickly.
• 0:55
  They were able to protect all of the homes.
• 0:57
  There were some vehicles lost, but all of the homes were protected.
• 1:00
  Everybody was evacuated that needed to be, and I am just so grateful for their quick response.
• 1:07
  And also, I know that other people weren't as lucky, or maybe they're even still under fire, and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are absolutely with you.
• 1:16
  And because of all of that, because of the extreme dryness and heat, I was just so grateful that this morning we had a rainstorm come in and cool everything down, and I think the next few days are gonna be a little bit cooler as well, and I am just so grateful.
• 1:31
  So I wanted to be out here to talk to you today.
• 1:34
  Now, today we're going to be talking about boundaries, and it's just gonna be a very short and sweet episode, but I hope that it will be impactful for you.
• 1:42
  So if you're somebody who has ever struggled with boundary setting, maybe because you didn't wanna hurt somebody's feelings or you were worried that your words would come across as too harsh, then today's episode is for you.
• 1:53
  But before we dive in, I just want to let you know that this is the last week to apply for my 12-week self-reclamation project.
• 2:00
  I currently have just a few afternoon and evening slots available.
• 2:04
  And so if you are interested, make sure you email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life and let me know that you'd like to secure one of those seats.
• 2:12
  This is a 12-week program where you and I can look at your personal circumstances, your own personal thought patterns, and apply all of the tools that you've been learning here on the podcast for you personally.
• 2:23
  There is so much that can be accomplished by just listening.
• 2:26
  And also, my life changed so much for the better when I started actually working one-on-one with a coach and seeing how those tools applied to me personally.
• 2:36
  Um, it helped me to see my personal blind spots, and it's the whole reason why I became a coach in the first place.
• 2:41
  So if you are interested, check out the show notes to find my contact information and let's chat, okay?
• 2:48
  Okay, so now into boundaries.
• 2:51
  Many highly sensitive people, they struggle with boundary setting.
• 2:53
  And like I said, sometimes it's because they're a little bit nervous that they might come across as rude or unhelpful, and they just wanna be nice, right?
• 3:02
  And so they have a really hard time saying no.
• 3:05
  And oftentimes it's because they have equated their worth and their value with what it is that they can offer somebody else.
• 3:12
  In other words, in their mind it's,"No, but I must say yes in order to prove that I have worth and I have value." So then they find themselves saying yes when they don't actually have the time.
• 3:22
  They find themselves saying,"Yeah, of course I'm available," or, or,"Yes, I'm willing to take on additional emotional labor or manual labor." Right?
• 3:29
  They find themselves saying yes when they really want to say no, and that can create tension and resentment in a relationship.
• 3:34
  And because it can be such a challenge to say no, then when something does arise where they really do need to say no, for example, maybe they have a lack of time, a lack of energy, a lack of interest, or just some other reason, then saying no, it really can create a lot of inner tension.
• 3:49
  So today, I'm gonna share with you a very simple way to say no while still honoring your kind and highly sensitive heart.
• 3:55
  It is so super simple, and we're just gonna call it the boundary sandwich, okay?
• 3:59
  There are both open-faced and closed-faced sandwiches, and we're gonna talk about when to use each of those.
• 4:04
  But basically, the boundary sandwich is this: say something nice, state your boundary, say something nice again.
• 4:10
  It's that simple.
• 4:12
  And I get it, that if you just take that, you're just gonna experience so much growth.
• 4:15
  It's just gonna be amazing.
• 4:16
  You're gonna experience so much peace.
• 4:18
  But I really wanna kind of dive a little bit deeper into this to help you to really understand why this works and how to fully implement it, okay?
• 4:25
  So first, you're going to acknowledge the other person while assuming good intent.
• 4:30
  That's the nice thing, okay?
• 4:32
  You're acknowledging their good intent.
• 4:35
  Then you're going to state your boundary without over-explaining it, okay?
• 4:39
  We're gonna be talking a little bit about that today as well.
• 4:41
  And then you're gonna finish by, again, saying something kind or encouraging.
• 4:45
  And it sounds super simple, and it is, and it takes practice to implement.
• 4:50
  So let me tell you why this pattern, why this boundary sandwich, why it works so well.
• 4:55
  When we start with acknowledging the other person while also assuming good intent, it just makes everybody feel good, right?
• 5:00
  It's honoring to your highly sensitive heart because you're looking for the good in the other person.
• 5:05
  They're now feeling seen and heard because you're seeing them, and you're assuming good intent rather than any form of manipulation, right?
• 5:11
  So that's the easy part is just saying the nice thing.
• 5:14
  That's what you kind of are very, very good at actually.
• 5:17
  So after you acknowledge their good intent, then you're gonna say the word and, and then state your boundary.
• 5:22
  And when you state your boundary, you're gonna keep it kind and clear and to one sentence, okay?
• 5:26
  No over-explaining here.
• 5:29
  Now, for a lot of people then, they think the over-explaining is the nice thing to do.
• 5:34
  But when you keep it brief, it helps to keep things more clear.
• 5:37
  And as we've talked about here on the podcast before, clear is kind, and unclear is unkind.
• 5:43
  So it's really easy to think that we're being kind by over-explaining, but it actually makes our messaging less clear.
• 5:49
  So for example, if somebody asks you to do them a favor, then it might be easy to think,"Oh, I'll just list off all of the reasons why I can't, and then they'll have so much clarity around all of the reasons why I can't do the thing for them." But when that happens, you might think that you're being kind, but now your"no", it's actually buried in your long list of things that you need to do.
• 6:08
  And that makes it unclear, which makes it unkind, okay?
• 6:12
  And when we do that, it also often confuses the person asking because now then they're like,"Okay.
• 6:18
  Well, they've just presented me with a problem.
• 6:20
  They told me all the reasons why they can't help me.
• 6:22
  And if I can solve their problem, then they can still help me." Right?
• 6:26
  You've ever been in that situation where somebody's asking you to do something, and you try to tell them no, and then suddenly it's like, no, your reason's not good enough.
• 6:33
  You gave them a whole list of reasons, and now your reason's not good enough, and you find yourself still doing the thing.
• 6:38
  If so, it might be because you're an over-explainer, okay?
• 6:42
  So here's a very clear example as to what this might look like Let's say that your sister calls you and she asks if you can watch her kids this weekend.
• 6:50
  And instead of keeping it kind and clear and just saying,"I'm sorry, I'm not available this weekend." Right?
• 6:55
  That's like the end of the story.
• 6:57
  That's just where it's going to stop.
• 6:59
  Then instead you might think,"Oh, I better let her know all of the reasons so that she won't feel bad." So then you find yourself using a lot of words.
• 7:06
  For example, you might be saying,"Oh, I'm so sorry.
• 7:09
  I wish that I could.
• 7:10
  We already have plans.
• 7:11
  I've just been so tired lately.
• 7:13
  I really need a nap.
• 7:14
  I'm hoping to catch up on a few things.
• 7:16
  The kids are just so busy, and they're just bored and so they keep messing up the house.
• 7:20
  I just can't get anything done.
• 7:21
  And I also promised my husband that I'd spend time with him this weekend, and so I feel really bad saying no, but..." And then you shrug, thinking that she's going to understand that, oh yeah, I can now see more clearly now that there's no possible way that you could help me.
• 7:37
  But then your sister might respond with,"Oh, you know what?
• 7:40
  I totally get it.
• 7:41
  It sounds like you really need a break.
• 7:43
  Why don't you bring the kids to my house, and then they can just play outside while you and your hubby visit inside, so then you can get hubby time.
• 7:51
  They won't be messing up your house.
• 7:52
  Problem solved.
• 7:54
  Two birds, one stone.
• 7:55
  I just fixed it.
• 7:57
  Aren't I amazing?" And when that happens, you might be thinking,"Oh, she's so manipulative." But really, since you just listed off a whole bunch of obstacles, then now she's thinking,"Oh, I need to help my sister so that she can help me." And it comes from a good place, but it does make it a lot harder for you to reinforce your personal boundaries when you do over-explain, okay?
• 8:17
  When we overexplain, we're unintentionally turning our boundary into a negotiation.
• 8:22
  In other words, it really does shift the conversation from,"I'm not available," to,"Hey, let's problem solve until I can become available," Now, a clearer boundary might just sound like,"Hey, thanks for thinking of me.
• 8:32
  I love you and the kids.""And I'm not available that weekend." And then if you choose to, you can follow it up with another supportive statement like,"I hope that you find someone." Right?
• 8:40
  It's clean, it's kind, and it helps to minimize confusion around your availability.
• 8:45
  Because your availability, it is not open to negotiation, okay?
• 8:49
  So don't over-explain'cause they're going to think that now it is open to negotiation.
• 8:53
  So right now, think for a moment about a situation where you would really like to state a boundary, but you've maybe hesitated to do so, okay?
• 9:00
  And as I share these very clear examples, I want you to kind of think about which of these might apply to your situation.
• 9:06
  So maybe it's the exact same thing that you're dealing with, maybe you wanna tweak it a little bit, but listen to these examples and see how you can adapt them to suit you.
• 9:14
  Okay?
• 9:15
  So for example, when your mother-in-law keeps coming over unannounced during nap time, then you might want to say,"I always enjoy seeing you, and nap time is an important part of our routine, and I'm going to need you to text or call before you come over." And then you can finish it up with something nice, right?
• 9:31
  Like,"I want our time together to be pleasant, and I know that our time together will be a lot more pleasant if Janie gets her nap." Right?
• 9:39
  Or maybe if a coworker asks you to take on another assignment at work because you're just so good at it, then you might say something like,"I appreciate your confidence in me, and my plate is full right now.
• 9:50
  Because of that, I'm not going to be able to take on another project, but I hope you find someone else to help or that you figure it out on your own." Right?
• 9:57
  You're offering them encouragement, but you're also being very clear in your boundary.
• 10:02
  When you have a friend that calls and they tend to just talk for hours about their problems without checking in with you first to see if you have the time, then you might say something like,"I really care about you and I wanna support you, and I only have twenty minutes today.
• 10:15
  Does that work for you, or shall we schedule another time to visit this week?" When a family member is pressuring you to attend a gathering after you've already told them no, you might say something like,"I appreciate that you want me there, and I've already made my decision.
• 10:29
  I hope you all have a wonderful time." When somebody comments on your parenting choices, you might say something like,"I know that you're trying to be helpful, and we're choosing the approach that feels best for our family." Now, this one is an example of an open-faced sandwich, okay?
• 10:44
  You're not necessarily putting another kind thing on the end, and this one is really handy when you want to have a little bit more of a firm line, when you want to let somebody know that, hey, that's not appropriate.
• 10:54
  You know, like questioning your parenting.
• 10:55
  Hey, that's not appropriate.
• 10:56
  You can be kind and let them know, yeah, I appreciate your concern, and this is how we're choosing to navigate it, period, full stop.
• 11:03
  That's the end, okay?
• 11:05
  So you can kinda pick how much weight you want to add to them on if you're making it a closed sandwich that's going to add the other nice thing at the end or an open sandwich where you're just saying something nice and affirming and acknowledging good intent, but then you're stating your firm boundary.
• 11:18
  All right?
• 11:20
  If a neighbor asks you for just one more favor after you've been saying yes for months, then you might say something like,"Hey, you know what?
• 11:27
  I'm so glad that I could help you in the past, and I'm actually no longer available to do that thing for you.
• 11:32
  I hope you're able to find another solution." When somebody expects an immediate text response from you, you might say something like,"I really appreciate you reaching out, and I will respond when I'm available.
• 11:44
  Our friendship is valuable to me, so yes, of course, I'll be in touch soon." When somebody keeps bringing up a topic that you've repeatedly asked them not to discuss with you, you might say something like,"I know this really matters to you, and I'm not willing to discuss this topic anymore." Again, that's another example of an open-faced sandwich, okay?
• 12:02
  You're still being kind, you're being clear, but it feels a little bit more firm.
• 12:07
  When your family assumes that you will be hosting for the holidays again this year, you might say something like,"I love spending time together, and I'm not going to be hosting this year.
• 12:16
  But if someone else is willing to host, we would love to join in." Okay?
• 12:20
  Again, you're just being kind and clear and firm.
• 12:23
  When your boss is contacting you after hours for non-urgent matters, you might say something like,"Hey, I am committed to doing great work during business hours, and in order to do that, I really need to keep work at work so I can rest and relax at home and be more focused at work." When somebody makes a joke at your expense, you might say something like,"Hey, I know that you were trying to be funny, but I don't like that." You can set boundaries in a way that honors your kind heart, assumes the best in others, and that minimizes negotiations afterwards.
• 12:53
  Okay?
• 12:53
  It is possible.
• 12:55
  It just takes a little bit of practice.
• 12:57
  So if this has been helpful for you, leave me a review.
• 12:59
  I'd love to have your support.
• 13:01
  Remember, check out the show notes if you'd like to learn more about over-explaining and find that episode, or if you're interested in joining my 12-week program, I have a whole bunch of resources for you in the show notes.
• 13:10
  So come and check it out.
• 13:11
  Here's to stating boundaries with kindness.
• 13:13
  I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 13:15
  Bye now