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Becoming Anchored S1E11: How to Set Boundaries with Yourself · Becoming Anchored

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Hey everyone, welcome back to the Becoming Anchor podcast.
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We're so glad that you're here with us.
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I am Lauren Jackson.
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This is Laura Dineen.
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We are two licensed therapists in the Brentwood, Tennessee area.
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We work in a group private practice where we treat everything from
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From eating disorders to anxiety, depression, grief, and loss, OCD.
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Um, we work with clients as young as six all the way through the lifespan.
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Um, we really love what we do.
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And we're super excited to continue reaching you guys on this platform
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and connecting with y'all this way.
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Um, and we're pumped for this episode today.
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Yeah.
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podcast around nine, 12 months ago.
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So almost a year ago now and express interest in starting a podcast.
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Awesome.
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I was like, of course, let's do it.
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Um, so the purpose of this podcast is twofold.
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It's really first and foremost to share our real life experiences.
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So we are humans before we are therapists and we certainly have pain and we
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also have joy and we're here just to ride the waves of life with y'all.
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Um, and then we also have this unique perspective of being therapists.
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And so we really want to talk about, you know, the stories that we hear and some
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of the wisdom that we've gleaned from those moments of sitting with clients.
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A quick disclaimer, um, this is for informational purposes only.
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So the content here in this podcast and all of our episodes, um, is not
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to be replaced with therapy itself.
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So if you find that as you're listening and engaging with this content that
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you might benefit from therapy, please find someone local to you.
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Or if you're local to us, reach out.
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We would love to connect.
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So let's go ahead and get started today.
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We are going to be talking about intrapersonal boundaries.
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Love a good boundary.
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So it's funny because when I went to grad school.
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And even like, I feel like this is something that's come
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up for me in recent years.
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I knew that we could have boundaries with other people, but I didn't necessarily
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fully understand or grasp like this idea of intrapersonal boundaries.
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So I'm using that word intrapersonal is this idea of like boundaries with myself.
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Um, and more commonly understood, I think in our culture is like
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boundaries with other people.
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But I think boundaries with ourself is a topic that maybe we don't
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talk about enough and so that's why we wanted to cover it today.
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So when I think of a boundary, one of the ways that I love to think of a
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boundary or maybe even educate clients on a boundary is kind of this concept
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of like where I end and you begin.
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So, almost like a hula hoop, right?
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So, it's like my physical space, my emotional space, my mental,
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relational, spiritual space.
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Um, I could never personally, like, get the hula hoop to, like,
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keep turning when I was younger.
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Little?
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I tried so hard.
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And I, but anyway, I always like get up and do that example with clients.
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I'm like, Laura, what are you doing?
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Like, don't worry about it.
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It's fine.
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And for those of you that know me and are listening, I'm sure you can
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just like picture this in my office.
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But yeah, I mean, a boundary, boundaries with other people
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are really, really important.
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And that's like a whole nother episode or maybe a series of episode
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or a season in and of itself.
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But today we really wanted to talk about boundaries with.
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Ourselves.
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Mm hmm.
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So I'm curious, Lauren, when you think about this topic,
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what What comes to mind for you?
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Yeah, I feel like it is just now, and I say just now, maybe that's not
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the right term to use, but really kind of recently becoming more of a
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topic of conversation amongst people is just this idea of boundaries.
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Like, in a relationship and like that's now becoming a cool thing to do and
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like a cool thing to talk about and that's amazing and I think just as like
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we continue to evolve in the mental health space I think that conversation
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will continue to like evolve as well.
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Um, but yeah, the, the, this idea of like boundaries with I think maybe it
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can be a little bit confusing to people.
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I think it's easier to understand or kind of wrap your mind around,
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even if you grew up not really learning how to have boundaries
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and not being modeled boundaries and not, not having boundaries now.
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It's still kind of can be something fairly easy ish to like wrap your
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mind around, like saying no to someone and, you know, that kind of thing.
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But when it comes to, boundaries with self, I think that can feel
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a little bit confusing to people.
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And so if you're out there and you're like, yeah, what the heck
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is a boundary with yourself?
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Like just validate, validate that.
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Um, yeah, I think what comes up for me first and foremost is, and
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this is true for boundaries of self or boundaries relationally.
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So in interpersonal versus intrapersonal, we're talking about intrapersonal.
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Um, is we have got to be connected to ourself like we have to, um, have bodily,
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emotional connection and awareness because if we don't, then how do we
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know that we need to have a boundary?
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Um, how do we know that we How do we need to say no, how do we know that we
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can say yes, um, or how do we know that that person doesn't feel safe, or how
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do we know that that, that thing is okay to do, um, if we don't know what we're
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feeling, if we don't know what we're, you know, what's going on internally.
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So that's like, that's the first thing that comes to mind.
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A hundred percent.
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Yeah.
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It's like cultivating insight, self awareness.
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We talk a lot on this show about what we're noticing in ourselves.
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So it's noticing that physical sensation I'm having when I'm around that person.
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Or, um, Yeah, just cultivating more self awareness in order to even set
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the boundary with myself, right?
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So yeah, this actually came up recently in a session for me, but,
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um, clients will oftentimes talk about being tired all the time.
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Which, if you struggle with chronic fatigue, or if you are in a place of
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just experiencing fatigue right now, my heart goes out to you, um, first and
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foremost, and a lot of times there's maybe not a connection with themselves
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around, oh yeah, I'm saying yes to all these things, and I don't necessarily
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understand how that's connected to my fatigue, right, and so we would start
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with that body awareness around Hey, let's talk about your fatigue and let's
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first validate that it's okay to be tired.
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We don't have to judge yourself.
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We don't have to shame you for being tired, but what might be happening
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in your world that's leading to this, this sense of ongoing fatigue.
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Um, and just a quick caveat, I know that there's lots of
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different, you know, health conditions that can lead to fatigue.
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And so I'm certainly not speaking on those today.
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Um, but yeah, I mean, that would be a boundary looking at boundaries.
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with myself.
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So that would be maybe in that example, I just use boundaries with my time.
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And this could, you could take this a lot of different directions, right?
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But it could be, and in therapy, why am I, why am I saying yes when I really mean no?
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And maybe I need to go home and go to sleep early.
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Maybe I'm going out to dinner with friends five nights a week.
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And maybe I need to have a boundary with myself that during a work week,
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I do one evening out with friends.
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Um, And for a lot of people, I think this can feel really scary because this kind of
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way of doing life is all that they know.
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So the idea of like setting a boundary with myself feels foreign.
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Like you were talking about, it feels confusing.
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It feels scary.
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Um, Because there's risk in it, right?
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Like if I don't say yes to my friends because I need to really work on some
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of this fatigue I'm experiencing, am I going to lose connection?
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Am I not going to get invited the next time?
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Are they going to be mad at me?
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It's like all these different things that can come up from this one concept
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of setting a boundary with myself of going to sleep earlier, right?
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So I just want to acknowledge that, right?
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It's all these things that can kind of be a trickle effect or a ripple
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effect from that idea of going to bed earlier, which is a boundary.
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Yeah, another, um, I feel like important ingredient, if you will, to setting
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boundaries effectively with self.
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Um, so along with that self awareness piece, that self insight of
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physical and emotional development.
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happenings going on is, um, like self compassion or kindness to self.
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Because if I'm, if I'm only ever operating out of my inner critic, then there's
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probably not room to set a boundary.
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If I'm only ever operating out of shame, shame doesn't typically tend
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towards boundaries and that because boundaries tend towards care.
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Right?
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Boundaries tend towards protection.
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Boundaries tend towards nurture.
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And our shame, our inner critic doesn't.
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They're, they're, they're in opposition.
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Their values are in opposition to each other.
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And so, and so, you know, I talk with my clients a lot about self compassion and
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I also acknowledge that this phrase self compassion can kind of be thrown around
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a little bit like cliche and flippantly and oh just self love and whatever and and
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there's there's so much more of a depth of work there that that that can happen
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and needs to happen for really in order for us to be able to set boundaries well.
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Intra personally, um, shame and, shame and boundaries just don't really go together.
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Yeah, yeah, well, and, and to like the longevity of this work, right?
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We don't, we want the intra person, personal boundaries to last a long
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time and to be sustainable, right?
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And so shame, like you talked about, is in opposition to that.
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Um, and yeah, I mean, I love that idea.
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And yes, the depth of.
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The self compassion work.
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So just to kind of speak to that a little bit, Lauren's really referencing, you
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know, what we come up against in session is clients that will say things like,
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I don't deserve self compassion, or if I am compassionate to myself, does that
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mean that I'm giving up on myself or kind of the, that dichotomous thinking.
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Or maybe they've never experienced kindness from a caregiver growing up.
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And so giving yourself self compassion in the boundary process, in the context
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of setting boundaries with yourself, can just feel so new and foreign and
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kind of there's like this deservedness layer that comes up with that.
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Yeah.
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One thing that I love to talk to clients about is that boundaries can
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be fluid in the sense that we can always change our mind when we set
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boundaries with ourselves, right?
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So, I think sometimes when we think about a boundary, and I'm certainly
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have done this in my own life, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's going to be this
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way forever, because our brains love to do this like all or nothing thinking.
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And so even with boundaries, we can play with it and and that the
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playfulness of that also invites.
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a spirit of curiosity, a spirit of self compassion.
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But, you know, back to that example of boundaries with myself in the
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sense of my time, if I decide, okay, going out to eat dinner five nights
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a week during the, especially during the work week is too much for me.
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And maybe I scale back to one night a week, but maybe I really am an extrovert
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and that doesn't feel nurturing to me.
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And so I want to bump it up to two, right?
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Like we can, that's an example of being able to change our minds.
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with our boundaries.
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Um, and different life events can cause this, different
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stressors that we go through.
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And so this is back to what you referenced in the beginning of session, right?
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It's attunement to what's happening internally in our bodies so that
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we know when we need to maybe change a boundary with ourselves.
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Totally.
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Yeah, I was just about to say that, um, the more that we, the more in tune
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we become with ourself physically, emotionally, mentally, blah, blah,
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blah, the more fluid we can be with our boundaries, the more curious we
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can be with how they need to move.
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when they need to move, um, playing around with that.
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Um, this actually came up not too long ago with a client.
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And I guess you could argue that this, this is like inter
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and intra personal boundaries.
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And I think that there can be some interchanging of the two, you know, um,
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But she, something came up between her and her husband and she, um, I think he
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like asked, do you want to talk about it?
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And she said, no, I don't, I don't want to talk about it.
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I don't it right now.
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So I pointed out, Oh, it sounds like you were setting a boundary.
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And then she was like, yeah.
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And then later I thought about it some more and I was like, Oh, I actually
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do need to talk about this because I know that if I go to bed and I
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haven't had a conversation, then I'm going to feel really anxious.
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I'm going to have a hard time sleeping.
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So I.
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I went and had, had the conversation, so I just really highlighted for her,
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we, we literally talked about this topic of like fluidity with boundaries
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because she, she knew what she needed because she was listening to herself
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and I was like, ah, and so we just like celebrated that together because
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that was a cool moment for her.
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Yeah, that's part of the work we do in therapy is like pointing out wins, right?
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That's one of the reasons we go to therapy, obviously to talk about
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the pain and suffering and the wounds that we've experienced or
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maybe the behavior, the problematic behaviors that we're going through.
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But.
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We also go to therapy to have someone who's like our biggest cheerleader
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pointing out moments of celebration, which it sounds like you did with your client.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So a lot of times people are like, what does an intrapersonal boundary mean?
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So I know we talked about, you know, time, a couple other examples that
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are coming to mind just to kind of get y'all's juices flowing, so to speak,
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if you're listening to the show.
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So finances, right?
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So having intrapersonal boundaries are, you know, really approaching
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my financial state versus avoiding.
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Um, I know I can tend to avoid number stuff, um, just with my own history, but
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really having a good grasp on, okay, if I'm overspending or maybe I don't ever
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allow myself to buy something fun, right?
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So boundaries can, can mirror a lot of different things in our lives.
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We go to extremes, right?
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So we can have rigid or porous boundaries.
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So what I mean by that is just rigid, y'all can deduce, but
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porous is kind of, not enough boundaries with ourselves, right?
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So, something, you know, looking at our finances can be just really helpful.
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Um, boundaries with our sleep.
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So, am I staying up scrolling until 1 a.
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m.
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when I have a 8 o'clock meeting?
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Um, you know, something as simple as like brushing my teeth twice a
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day or, Making the choice to floss.
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Um, those kind of things can all be examples of boundaries with ourselves.
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Or I'm gonna make the choice to go to therapy once every other
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week because it's, helps me be the best boss or wife or friend or
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colleague or whatever it might be.
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Um, so those are all examples of boundaries with myself that feel
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pertinent to this conversation that I just wanted to share with y'all so
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that you could start thinking about those on your own time after the show.
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Yeah, I think it's helpful to when we're thinking about setting boundaries
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in internally like with ourself for us to have an understanding around
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like why we're setting the boundary.
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I think that why is really helpful because it reminds us of what we are.
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trying to protect or reminds us of, of, or it keeps us in line with
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the value, with our value system around what is important to us.
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So like, you know, flossing your teeth every day, you know, because,
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or brushing your teeth twice a day, because we use that example, maybe
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isn't always the most fun thing to do, or it would be just so much easier to
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just like get in the bed and whatever.
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And, and the, the why is.
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Keeping you close to that value of oral health, I don't know, right?
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Well sure, and even like deeper, it's like the connection, like I would care about
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my teeth because I want to be here and, you know, I want to be around my family
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long term or something like that, right?
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Yeah, so maybe that's a you know, a surface example, but you know I think
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we could still go with it and and I think you know just that value piece
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you know we Laura and I, um, really practice from a values based lens.
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Um, with our clients and we we also.
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Um, and so that feels important and foundational to like, you
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know, this, this podcast and the content that we bring to you guys.
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Um, and so, um, I think, you know, bringing these topics back to, um,
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how they help us live in line with our values feels significant and
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important to what it means to becoming anchored and to Just that, that
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process that we're always on together.
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Yeah, and you know, we talked about the riding the waves, like, kind of to recap
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here, like Lauren's saying, we have to go back to our why, and we also have
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to acknowledge that setting boundaries oftentimes can be a pretty hard, strenuous
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process in the sense of, Sometimes it's harder to do with short term.
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We talk a lot about short term and long term outcomes and or consequences.
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Those are two different ways to think about it.
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But in the short run, it, your friends may be disappointed, like
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that you aren't going to dinner or that first example we used, right?
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So that might cause you to have an emotion that you have to work through, right?
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Or you can work through in your, therapy, um, session, but yeah, boundaries, when
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we start setting boundaries, if they're new to us, it can feel really hard.
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And I know that's part of my story as well.
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Like I didn't know what a boundary was when I first started my recovery process.
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Um, I wasn't on, you know, I don't think Instagram, I don't know if Instagram was
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a thing then, I don't think it was, but anyway, I, I didn't have all the, the
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psychoeducation now that's out there in the world, and so when my therapist told
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me about a boundary, I was like, oh my gosh, I was excited and also fearful.
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I kind of was like, I, there was, there were both inside of me responding.
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Um, but yeah, I mean, I think boundaries, it can be really hard, especially
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the short term, maybe there's going to be some pain, maybe there's going
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to be some tough conversations.
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Um, but long term, the goal is to experience some more, like Lauren's
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saying, values based life and experience hopefully more joy, more contentedness.
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So that's the, that's kind of tagging along as, as far as the
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why of us setting boundaries.
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So we hope this was helpful for y'all today.
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It felt important to talk about, um, an affirmation.
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So y'all know that we always close, if you're new to the episode, we close
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with an affirmation and homework.
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So, your affirmation today is that I can trust my intuition in setting
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appropriate boundaries with myself.
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And then Lauren is going to follow up with your homework.
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Yeah, so your homework, you probably can guess, is practice setting an
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intrapersonal boundary this week.
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Um, so, So a couple of steps before that would be practicing some self
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awareness and insight and practicing some self compassion so that those two
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things can help inform you maybe where you need an intrapersonal boundary.
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I love it.
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Thanks for being here guys.
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See you next time.
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Bye.
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Bye.