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Why Realistic Optimism Beats Positive Thinking With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Cali here for this week's Mojo Monday.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to talk today about the difference between
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  Speaker 1: positive thinking and realistic optimism. So I'm not a huge
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  Speaker 1: fan of positive thinking or affirmations kind of in everyday life. Look,
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  Speaker 1: if they're helpful to you, that's great, but I don't
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  Speaker 1: find them helpful for or useful. But that said, they
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  Speaker 1: do have their place. So when it comes to performance
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  Speaker 1: like competitive sport or public speaking, or any situation where you.
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  Speaker 2: Kind of need.
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  Speaker 1: A short term kind of switch, mindset switch, positive thinking
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  Speaker 1: can be really useful. So it kind of flips that
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  Speaker 1: mental switch and helps you step.
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  Speaker 2: Up in that moment.
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  Speaker 1: But outside of those narrow windows, positive thinking does fall short.
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  Speaker 1: And this is what the research tells us. So positive
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  Speaker 1: thinking is like everything will be fine, just stay positive,
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  Speaker 1: don't think that way, don't think about worst case scenario,
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  Speaker 1: whereas realistic optimism says something very different. It's let's be
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  Speaker 1: honest about how hard this is and then decide how
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  Speaker 1: we move forward. So one asks us to really bypass reality,
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  Speaker 1: the other asks us.
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  Speaker 2: To face it and then act.
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  Speaker 1: And this idea is captured beautifully in what's known as
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  Speaker 1: the Stockdale Paradox, which is named after Jim Stockdale. And
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  Speaker 1: if you have seen Paul's any of Paul's talks, you
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  Speaker 1: will you'll be very familiar with this because he talks
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  Speaker 1: about Jim Stockdale a lot. So Stockdale was a US
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  Speaker 1: Navy admiral who was shot down during the Vietnam War
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  Speaker 1: and held He was held as a prisoner of for
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  Speaker 1: over seven years in what's called which was kind of
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  Speaker 1: a nickname for this prison, the Hanoi Hilton. And when
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  Speaker 1: he was later asked, so he survived, obviously and got
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  Speaker 1: out that when he was later asked who didn't make
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  Speaker 1: it out, his answer was really interesting because he said
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  Speaker 1: it was those who were often the pure optimists, so
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  Speaker 1: pure optimists, not realistic optimists, the ones who told themselves, oh,
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  Speaker 1: we'll be out by Christmas, and then Christmas came and went,
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  Speaker 1: or we will be out by Easter, and then there
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  Speaker 1: was another Christmas, and each unnet expectation expectation just chipped
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  Speaker 1: away at their hope. So Stockdale survived by holding onto
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  Speaker 1: two ideas at the same time, he accepted the brutal
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  Speaker 1: reality of his situation, so there was no sugarcoating it,
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  Speaker 1: and he never lost faith that he would ultimately prevail.
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  Speaker 1: So this wasn't blind positivity. It was realistic optimism. And
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  Speaker 1: it's not just a war story because this can play
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  Speaker 1: out in everyday life. So I saw this very clearly
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  Speaker 1: when my son was diagnosed with Cushing's disease three years ago.
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  Speaker 1: When this happened, there was no space for pretending that
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't serious. There was no comfort in saying it'll
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  Speaker 1: probably all be fine. We were really forced into realistic optimism.
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  Speaker 1: So we had to face the reality of what was
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  Speaker 1: you know, the diagnosis, the uncertainty, the long road ahead,
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  Speaker 1: and then ask the grounded kind of question, given this reality,
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  Speaker 1: what's the next right action? And this was really a
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  Speaker 1: daily thing. We took one step at a time. And
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  Speaker 1: what I've learnt since then in and I think my
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  Speaker 1: son has learnt this as well, is we don't need
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  Speaker 1: a crisis to use this approach. We can use it
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  Speaker 1: every time things don't go our way, like even the
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  Speaker 1: small stuff that really gets to us. You know, a
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  Speaker 1: setback at work or a relationship issue, a health issue,
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  Speaker 1: even if it's just that you've got the flu and
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  Speaker 1: you're missing out on something, or you know, a plan
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  Speaker 1: that falls apart. So often our daily suffering comes from
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  Speaker 1: that gap between what reality is and how we want
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  Speaker 1: things to be. So, you know, our mind comes up
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  Speaker 1: with this shouldn't be happening. You know, I should be
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  Speaker 1: further along. That person shouldn't be treating me like this.
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  Speaker 1: They should be different, and that gap. In that gap
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  Speaker 1: is a lot of frustration that can be hurt, There
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  Speaker 1: can be anxiety, a whole host of emotions that recognizing
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  Speaker 1: it is actually a starting point because once we name
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  Speaker 1: reality for what it is, this is hard, this is
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  Speaker 1: not what I wanted. I actually don't like this, then
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  Speaker 1: we can stop fighting it. That doesn't mean that it's
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  Speaker 1: the pain's not there. It's not like we stop fighting
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  Speaker 1: it and suddenly we feel better. That's not what this
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  Speaker 1: is about. But we can stop the struggle. And when
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  Speaker 1: we stop.
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  Speaker 2: Fighting reality, what does that do.
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  Speaker 1: It frees up our energy, So it gives us space
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  Speaker 1: and energy for hope, for choice, and definitely for action.
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  Speaker 1: And there's research that backs this up. So studies on
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  Speaker 1: optimism show that unrealistic or forced positivity can actually increase distress.
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  Speaker 1: This this has happened to me in the past, and
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  Speaker 1: especially when outcomes don't match the expectation, and it's associated
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  Speaker 1: with avoidance and poorer coping in the face of real
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  Speaker 1: challenges when things get hard. And in contrast, realistic optimism,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes called flexible or grounded optimism, is linked with better
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  Speaker 1: problem solving, persistence, and psychological well being, and it allows
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  Speaker 1: people to acknowledge difficulty while still believing that their actions
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  Speaker 1: matter and their actions will make a difference. And I
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  Speaker 1: guess hope in this sense isn't a feeling. Hope is
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  Speaker 1: actually a practice. So this week, if something isn't going
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  Speaker 1: your way, even if it's really small, try this name reality, honestly,
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  Speaker 1: So maybe just put the emotions aside, kind of put
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  Speaker 1: it on the table next to you for a moment,
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  Speaker 1: and name reality.
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  Speaker 2: And there's no softening of it, there's no drama, it's
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  Speaker 2: just what is. It is what it is.
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  Speaker 1: And then acknowledge that gap between what is and what
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  Speaker 1: you actually wish it was. And then once you've recognized that, ask,
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  Speaker 1: given this reality, what can I do next? What can
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  Speaker 1: I do to close that gap? Because this really comes
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  Speaker 1: down to the fact that not everything is in your control.
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  Speaker 1: There's so much that happens to us that is not
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  Speaker 1: in our control, big and small, but something usually is,
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  Speaker 1: and that is realistic optimism, and I think it is
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  Speaker 1: far more powerful than just staying positive. So have a
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  Speaker 1: realistic and optimistic week everyone, and I will catch you
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  Speaker 1: next week.
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  Speaker 2: Thea