Latest / LIFE Podcast with Dr. C / Transition is a Skill, Not a Crisis

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Transition is a Skill, Not a Crisis · LIFE Podcast with Dr. C

• 0:08
  Dr C: Hola and welcome back to the live podcast where we learn, inspire, flirt, and evolve together on the journey to our best, most authentic selves.
• 0:18
  Dr C: I'm your host, Dr.
• 0:19
  Dr C: C.
• 0:20
  Dr C: And today we're going to be talking about the ripple journey of transition.
• 0:24
  Dr C: We'll be looking at it through the lens of our emotional and social dimensions of wellness.
• 0:32
  Dr C: I'm so excited to be joined by Maria Tomas Kingan, a career in life transition coach with 30 years of corporate leadership experience and the co-founder of Old Times, a community of Encore Professionals.
• 0:45
  Dr C: Maria authored the book Upside Down to the Right Side Up.
• 0:50
  Dr C: Helps people navigate life's inevitable changes by honoring their wisdom rather than treating transition as a problem to solve.
• 0:58
  Dr C: Let's get into it.
• 1:00
  Dr C: Hello Maria and welcome to Live Podcast.
• 1:03
  Dr C: It's an honor to share this space with you.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for inviting me, Monday.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's an honor here too.
• 1:09
  Dr C: Thank you.
• 1:10
  Dr C: So let's jump right into it and let's lay the foundation.
• 1:14
  Dr C: For listeners that are not aware of bold timers and the ripple journey that we'll be discussing today, can you tell us a little bit about what bold timers is and what the goal of bold timers is?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I'd love to.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Bold timers is a growing community of encore professionals.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: These are men and women who are looking to figure out what's next in their lives and careers.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: And we've created this community to house, if you will, great articles, resources, expert guidance for these people who just are struggling to figure out how to navigate this time and these changes in their lives.
• 2:09
  Dr C: Wonderful.
• 2:10
  Dr C: And what exactly is the core concept of the ripple journey?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, so I think of transition as a ripple journey.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: So something disrupts the surface of our lives, but there's a disruption that happens.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it's a gentle one, and sometimes it's pretty dramatic.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: And that disruption creates ripples that move outward over time.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: So what's important, I think, is that transition isn't just one moment, it's a process.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: And most of us were never taught how to navigate and move through that process.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: So what I've noticed is that there are recognizable stages.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: So first there's that disruption I talked about.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: I call it the drop.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: Think about the drop into water that creates the ripples.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: That drop could be it could be a job loss, or it could be an inner restlessness or a realization that that something just doesn't fit anymore.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Then after the drop comes that inner wave, that first wave of the ripple.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: Now, this is a time that requires a pause, what I like to call the sacred pause, because there is often confusion, questioning, sometimes grief, and maybe even panic that accompanies that stage.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: And then eventually, if we don't rush it, we begin to reframe.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's the middle wave.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: And this is where we we start to identify new options and want to explore them.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: We make choices and we reconnect to ourselves and to others.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: And then next comes the outer wave.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: Now, during the outer wave, we start to share and serve others with what we've learned and what we know.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: And then over time, hopefully, before we experience another drop, which happens inevitably, we reach still water.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: And this is where we integrate what we've learned into who we're becoming.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: And this is a beautiful time for us to just exhale, right?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: And and decide how we're gonna show up the next time there's a drop in our lives.
• 5:01
  Dr C: What I'm hearing is that it's a continuous cycle.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: It is because change change is what happens in our lives.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's the one thing we we can't stop.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: It's the one predictable thing is that things will continue to change.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: But those ripples happen all the time.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: And I think it's it's deciding how we're going to navigate them when a disruption happens.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: And what what do we do after that?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: Do we take the pause and uh do we move through it you know with curiosity?
• 5:42
  Dr C: What do you believe is the biggest misconception about a ripple journey?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: A misconception about transition is that I've done something wrong.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: In reality, though, it usually means that your growth has outpaced your current situation.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: That's a positive idea.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and then you know, transition is often a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and recognizing that, taking the moment to like take that in and go, oh, okay, that's a reframe I can I can deal with, right?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: I I know I know that there's there's a next step here.
• 6:36
  Dr C: And so how does one what are like the common signs that you're stuck and you need to really think about moving to the next phase of or the next wave of the journey?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so you know, initially I think most people don't say I'm in a transition, right?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: They don't recognize it as being that.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: They sometimes say things like, oh, I should be, I should be so grateful for where I'm at and what I've got, but I'm just not happy.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Or the same questions maybe keep circling in our heads.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: So there's often this quiet internal knowing that the old answers just aren't working anymore.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: When the but that's that that inner knowing that's yeah, but it's just it's not working for me anymore.
• 7:38
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 7:38
  Dr C: And so I I could see that dichotomy of I still have to do, I still have to work, but I'm not I'm not content, I'm not happy, I'm not fulfilled.
• 7:49
  Dr C: And I can imagine when we have time to kind of reflect and be honest with ourselves and kind of bring that together.
• 7:56
  Dr C: That's a huge moment of transition, whether it's a realization internally, or you say it's time for a change.
• 8:04
  Dr C: What are your thoughts on that?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_02: That that's I I'm starting to think about myself and my experience.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: I've been through a lot of transitions, and my clients that that resonates highly.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: This is where I work with clients on going deep into two things: their skills and how those skills might translate to doing something that they would find more fulfillment in, right?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: And their values, because they shift as things happen in our lives, our values shift.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: So, what's matters most to you right now?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: And when you marry, the what do I bring to the party in hard and soft skills, and how can I reimagine how to use those so that I gain more fulfillment?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: And how can those more directly align to my values today?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: We can find things that allow us to do what we love to do and get paid for it, or find room in our lives.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: So a change may have to happen in what we do for a living, who we work for, what we do, in order to make room in our lives to do those things that we're passionate about and may not pay the bills, as you say.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: So earlier in my life, like my layoff from IBM, ala blue, no one saw it coming, my entire global team and I were just laid off.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_02: I I just thought I had to act fast, fix things, and just figure it out.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: That was the disruption for me, that was the drop, and it also helped me think back to the other transitions in my life.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: So, what changed for me wasn't that transition stopped happening, it certainly has not.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: What changed though was my relationship to it.
• 10:26
  Dr C: It sounds like normalizing that transition happens, and instead of fearing it, we lean into it.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's what many people try to do.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I've lost this, this leadership position at a Fortune 50 company.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_02: How do I replace that?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: And for me, it was clear that pretty quickly that that wouldn't no longer work for me.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: So the first thing where skills are concerned is that we look at all the skills we have, all the hard and soft skills.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: What makes us good at these big umbrella skills that we have?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: So we're good at project management, big umbrella skill.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_02: What are the hard and soft skills that make us an expert at that?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: Or leadership, another big umbrella skill.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: What are the hard and soft skills that make us good at that?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: And once we've gone through that exercise of really peeling back the onion to get to those hard and soft skills, because that's what that's who we are.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_02: So in the soft skills, compassionate, empathetic, uh you know, uh uh strategic thinker, stuff like that, right?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Hard skills are the more technical things we know how to do.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_02: So once we've kind of completed that, then we look at of those, what are the ones that light us up?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_02: What are the ones that that get me out of bed every morning because I get to go do more of that?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: What are those things?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: And then of those skills that you know how to do, what are the ones you just don't want to do anymore?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: They're no longer fulfilling.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: You might be a master at them, but they're no longer fulfilling for you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what are those?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: And now taking a look at like those three columns, if you will, all the things I know how to do, the things I love to do, and the things I don't want to do anymore.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: First thing that happens when you list all of those skills in the first column, it it instills a great deal of confidence.
• 12:51
  Dr C: What is the first smallest practical step you recommend that someone should take when they're in that first wave of reflection?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: Huh.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: So what I wouldn't recommend is taking action first.
• 13:09
  unknown: Okay.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: What I would recommend is giving yourself permission, permission to not know yet.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: Permission to stop forcing, forcing your way through it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: Permission to name what has changed, and and and talk about how does that make me feel and and and getting very in touch with, and this is hard for a lot of people, and this is where the fear, the shame, the guilt can come up.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: But when you name what has changed and you start thinking about what's your relationship with that, it it shifts things.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: So a simple question I often suggest is what's asking for my attention right now?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: What's asking for my attention right now instead of asking, what should I do?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: Whole different energy between those two, right?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_02: And it it changes the it it shifts the the mind and gives you that permission to take that sacred pause and go, okay, so what's asking for my attention right now?
• 14:41
  Dr C: So the silver lining.
• 14:43
  Dr C: Right.
• 14:43
  Dr C: So talk to us a little bit more.
• 14:45
  Dr C: And how do we is there a specific technique in order to get our mindset shifted to there's a world of possibilities out there?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: Hmm.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: I often talk about how we get in our own way, and we are our our biggest obstacle, uh, and getting out of our own way is really important.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: We tell ourselves stories that are likely not true, some of them might be, but a lot of the stories we tell ourselves in the way we talk to ourselves aren't really true.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: But the shift is understanding that clarity doesn't come from pressure, it really comes from listening and listening to understand to yourself and others, and then also communicating so that people understand where you're at, where you're headed, why, all of that.
• 15:57
  Dr C: When you were talking, I was thinking about the pressure from our social network, just get another job.
• 16:03
  Dr C: What's the problem?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:04
  Dr C: Exactly.
• 16:05
  Dr C: Just get another job, and and and how the social network instead of helping could be more damaging, right?
• 16:14
  Dr C: Because we're not necessarily giving space for that reflection, right?
• 16:19
  Dr C: Right.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it's not allowing, so this is what I meant before when I said we are not taught how to do this transition stuff at all, never mind gracefully.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: At all.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so you know, the and then there are lots of people like me, right, who've been through plenty of transitions themselves, and they're they're they they may need a a another tip, right?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: They might go, yeah, but I've I've done that before.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: So for those people, the work becomes less about fixing and more about trusting.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: Trusting who you are becoming, trusting what you believe in, what you value.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: So this might look more like laying out some choices and testing those choices instead of committing to any one of them first.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: So at this stage, transition becomes a skill when you've done it more than once.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: If we look at it that way, it becomes a skill, not a crisis.
• 17:42
  Dr C: But I do love the idea of shifting the mindset so that you're going at it through a positive lens versus a deficit uh right.
• 17:54
  Dr C: And so my next question was going to be about the transformation that one goes through, right?
• 17:59
  Dr C: And so I'm imagining the clarity that comes from reflection and that being one of the immediate benefits that's that one would have.
• 18:12
  Dr C: What do you believe is the biggest long-term transformation you've seen in people that master transition as a skill versus a price?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: I see people stop outsourcing their power and authority.
• 18:35
  Dr C: That's powerful.
• 18:36
  Dr C: Say that again.
• 18:37
  Dr C: Please say that again.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it you know, they recover faster from setbacks, they bounce forward quicker, they make decisions with more confidence based on what matters most to them now, their values, right?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: And based on you know what they bring to to the party, they stop seeing uncertainty as a threat.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's an opportunity.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: What I believe is that as you move through the ripple journey of transition, the transformation organically happens.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: And a constant thing, by the way, that we we're not designed to remain in a static state.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_02: We are designed to evolve.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's our that's our human design.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: We're designed to be lifelong learners, we're designed to be open and explore.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: possibilities, test things out.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's how we're designed.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_02: So every time we do one new thing, our comfort zone expands.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: So just one little new thing.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_02: It is in my DNA.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: And this is the one thing I have has been the biggest struggle for me to learn is not to immediately try to fix something or someone.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: Without fully understanding where I'm at, how I feel about it, what I'm feeling about it.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Because very for me a lot of this is physical.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_02: It manifests itself physically in me, pit of pit of the stomach, right?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_02: My heart thumping, heaviness in my chest, that burning between my shoulder blades.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_02: Things manifest in my body.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I just have learned to pay attention to that when that happens that's the time for me to take that sacred pause.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: But don't try to fix it.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_02: Just get curious.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 21:15
  Dr C: I love that.
• 21:17
  Dr C: Lean in to the curiosity.
• 21:19
  Dr C: Yeah.
• 21:21
  Dr C: Right.
• 21:22
  Dr C: And I can imagine leaning in curiously right with cure through a lens of curiosity.
• 21:28
  Dr C: And be pretty enlightening because now you're looking at all the possibilities and you might from different angles versus just your linear how do I fix it?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Open the aperture right explore what what just keep asking questions.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: Well what if this I love what if questions well what if that well what if that was true yeah if if you keep asking questions that's approaching something with curiosity.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: Do a little research ask some people you know just bring your bring your your inner circle into this adventure with you because I will be willing to bet you that someone in your inner circle has gone through something like you're going through right now.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: And they have some wisdom to share without trying to fix you.
• 22:35
  Dr C: You just said a whole word there for me.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_02: Now I can make an informed decision about what I want to test next.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: So every decision does not have to be a final decision.
• 22:56
  Dr C: And test it out see if it works how does it how does it make you feel what does it do for you how does it how does it fill a void for you and if it doesn't if it doesn't make you feel good then what's what's next after that that's where the options come in and I love the idea of the test right versus a concrete making a concrete decision and then you're like oh I failed right thinking like failing it was not it's not a pass or fail thing it's not it's it's a test did it work what did I learn if it worked how can I do it better?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_02: How can I do more of that if it didn't work what did I learn and how can I change it?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's not passfail.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: Life is not passfail.
• 23:55
  Dr C: It's all a test it's all a test yeah amazing I've learned so much during our time together thank you so much I really appreciate it.
• 24:09
  Dr C: Where can people go to find more about the ripple frame the ripple journey and resources that bold timers may offer thank you for letting me share that.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: So just to reiterate if I may bold timers exists because no one should have to navigate these kinds of changes and transitions these moments alone especially when they carry a lifetime of experience and wisdom and resilience that deserves to be honored.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: So it fold timers is a community rooted in conversation shared insight wise support and it's a place to reflect on where uh where you've been and gain perspective and imagine what's next on your own terms.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: So we have a lot of fun and it's very inspiring when we get together and and create common ground among us and that's what the bold timers community offers and you can find us either at bold timers.com or bold timers dot substack.com beautiful Maria thank you so much for your time and your wisdom today that was truly an enlightening conversation and the most profound takeaway from our conversation today is that we must stop outsourcing our power and authority during times of change.
• 25:45
  Dr C: As Maria pointed out transition is not a sign of failure but rather a sign that your growth has outpaced your current situation.
• 25:53
  Dr C: What a wonderful reframe by treating transition as a skill rather than a crisis we can learn to trust who we are becoming to further explore and connect with Maria you can join the community at boldtimers.com or find their resources and articles on the bold timer substack hub at boldtimers.substack.com Until next time keep on learning stay inspired continue to flourish and never stop evolving I'm your host Dr.
• 26:24
  Dr C: C and this is the Life Podcast