Latest / The Rosanne Callens Podcast / E24: Why Leaders Freeze When Negotiating (And How To Ask For What You're Worth)
Transcript
- Rosanne Callens: The vast majority of talented professionals avoid one critical leadership skill at all costs. And that, my friends, is negotiating. Hi friends, Rosanne Callens here with Electric Leadership. Grab your coffee or go outside and take a walk and let's talk about why we freeze when it comes time to ask for our worth. People constantly pull me aside and ask me, Roseanne. How do you always manage to get what you want? And they assume that I possess some rare persuasive superpower, but the truth is far simpler. Most people never ask in the first place. They freeze. They assume that if they keep their heads down and they deliver stellar results, that a corporate committee will magically notice their quiet dedication and reward them. Silence slowly drains your voltage, everyone. You are carrying that extra workload and you're feeling unappreciated while someone else speaks up and they receive money in the budget. I wish I could tell you that I was born like this, but I did not start out comfortable with negotiating for myself. I developed this muscle by practicing actually when I was advocating for other people. Back then, I worked with service members who were facing financial emergencies and they were requesting support through the Air Force Aid Society. Young airmen would come into my office with staggering car repair bills or overwhelming estimates from somewhere else. And I started to say, you know what? I think you can do better than that. And I started picking up the phone and calling those local businesses directly. I would look at the bill and I'd smile on the other side of the phone and I'd say, Is that really the best that you can do? Other times I would simply repeat the invoice total right back to them with a questioning tone, and then I would let the awkward silence sit on the phone line. Everyone, you would be amazed how fast someone drops a price just to fill five seconds of dead air. Because I was fighting for someone else, my personal self-doubt vanished. Because when you're advocating for another human being, you feel fierce conviction. When you want to help someone else, your shyness like goes out the window. Everyone started coming to my office to see what was the best deal that I could get. And it made me so happy to know that I was saving people money. And a light bulb went off. Eventually a light bulb went off. Why do we fight so hard for other people, yet we freeze when it comes time to advocate for our own worth? And that's what drives this episode today. You are worth the exact same advocacy that you give to others. Negotiation touches every conversation where people have differing priorities. If you want to develop genuine ease in these discussions or what I like to call become more comfortably uncomfortable, you must study the craft. And as I say, readers are leaders. My absolute favorite book about this subject is Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. And if you've seen any of my other podcasts, you've probably seen this book in the stack behind me. And it's a perfect book to bring up for today. I am completely obsessed with this man's work. Chris Voss if you don't know, was the FBI's lead international kidnapping negotiator. He spent over two decades talking to hostage takers in high stakes crisis where literal lives were on the line. And you might say, Rosanne what does that have to do with me? I'm not doing hostage negotiation. he walked into Harvard Law School's negotiation program and he sat down with top academic professors and he out-negotiated all of them using street smart emotional intelligence. when he starts out the book? He talks about, being freaked out even in that moment. His core discovery flipped traditional corporate negotiation on its head. Most people think that negotiation is about aggressive posturing. And Chris Voss proved that great negotiation relies on tactical empathy. And I think for so many of you listening who feel that you are a wonderful, kind human and you don't like aggressive posturing, it's just yet another reason why you would take something. From a book like this because he talks about how you can do use negotiation tactics using tactical empathy. So he talks about using a late-night FM DJ voice, which I'm still working on, but that calm, downward, inflecting tone that immediately soothes the other person's nervous system. And another brilliant technique that he talks about is mirroring. And I do this all the time with my clients. Repeating the last one to three words someone said with an upward inflection to invite them to elaborate. Then there is his absolute masterpiece called the calibrated question. Questions that start with how or what that invite the other person to solve your problem for you. When your executive board asks you to take on another division with zero additional headcount, I want you to avoid getting defensive. I invite you to use your calm late night DJ voice and ask, how am I supposed to do that? That question right there is honoring your boundaries and invites the other party to help solve the resource puzzle with you. This this is negotiation. when I'm talking to people who want to become better at this, I tell them that they have to practice, practice, practice. Because to speak up with confidence in high stakes situation, you need to have a lot of low stakes practice. You can't expect your nervous system to stay steady during an executive compensation review if you feel terrified asking for a quieter table at dinner or even asking for the best, most special table at the restaurant. If you never ask everyone, the answer will always be no. I want you to start building your reps in daily life where the risk is zero. For example, when you check into a hotel, I want you to ask the front desk with a warm smile Do you happen to have any complimentary room upgrades available today? If you're ordering your morning coffee, I want you to ask if you can get an extra splash of oat milk on the house. The real prize is desensitizing your nervous system to the friction of speaking up. I mean, a free room upgrade is a fun bonus. So after I was doing all of this negotiating for the Air Force Aid Society, I started to feel more confident and advocate for myself. And so I started asking for free things and extra things. I have stories galore about it. Once you realize that the world doesn't end when someone tells you no, your fear it evaporates. You realize that you are okay to ask. You have a right to ask. You are worth the conversation, everyone. So here is your one action step this week. I want you to pick one low-stakes setting before Sunday, a neighborhood coffee shop, or if you're traveling a hotel desk, or if you're making dinner reservations somewhere, I want you to look the person in the eye with a warm smile, and I want you to make one polite but unusual request. Now. I want you to notice the tension in your stomach right before you ask and before you even speak. And notice how quickly the tension leaves right after you ask. I want you to make a real commitment to master this craft. feeling more confident in this area of your life will unfold for you in ways that you never even imagined. I mean, pick up never split the difference or listen to the audio version or dive into audiobooks on tactical communication. And I want you to practice those low stakes reps in daily life. This is a golden skill. Or better yet, come work with me directly. We're gonna get into the room together, we're gonna uncover where you're holding back, and we're going to build that quiet confidence that you need to claim your full worth. Head over to Rosannecallens.com and just schedule some time to talk with me. I would be honored. And remember, in electric leadership. Your voltage is your value. And until next week, my friends, go out there and ask for what you're worth. Bye-bye.