Latest / Libido Lounge / Boyfriend Edition #1: The Truth About Male Desire No One Says Out Loud

Transcript

Boyfriend Edition #1: The Truth About Male Desire No One Says Out Loud · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Every couple, if you are together long enough, you are going to to go through times where one
• 0:06
  partner wants it more than the other and it can change at different points of the relationship
• 0:10
  and of life.
• 0:12
  The biggest thing I think is when you're at work, you get stressed out, you come home and
• 0:17
  it's just not either reading in the mood, you know, we both have busy careers and stuff, we
• 0:23
  were both on businesses, creating space to make time for each other.
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  What's come up for us probably the most and challenging is like, when it's like kid nights,
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  it's like, the kids will go to bed and we're gonna like still like get it in.
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  It's so easy for the kids to just like take over.
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  Date nights is in particular prioritizing, especially if the kids are not allowed, making
• 0:46
  sure that we're taking time for each other.
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  With kid night, I went there.
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  I read a really interesting research article today looking at scheduling sex and planning
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  sex.
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  If people believed planning sex was not hot, then it would actually be not hot.
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  But if they believed it was just like just as hot as spontaneous sex, then it actually was
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  just as as hot as spontaneous sex.
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  Understanding your own needs or what you you can do to like work work towards solving,
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  getting your needs met as well.
• 1:18
  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge.
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  I have a treat for you today.
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  We are talking about something we've talked about before, which is desire mismatch.
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  But we are talking about it from a man's perspective.
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  So I have with me to introduce you guys to my partner, Mike.
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  And we are gonna talk today.
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  I'm gonna get his thoughts on this topic to help you guys.
• 1:42
  And I also wanna remind you that we are in love season right now, and for our love season, you
• 1:47
  can get my four day to better sex jump start course for 30% off.
• 1:52
  So links for that will be in the show notes.
• 1:56
  That there will be a coupon code for 30% off that will expire soon, so make sure you take
• 2:00
  advantage of that.
• 2:02
  And without further ado, welcome to the lounge, Mike.
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  Thanks for having me over.
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  I'm happy excited to share what we got here, but not too personal, I hope.
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  A little personal, but keep it in, you know, the realms of our own our own love and our own
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  special bubble and all that too, of course.
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  So let's jump in.
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  So we, like every couple out there like, one of the things that I feel is that every couple, if
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  you are together long enough, you are going to to go through times where one partner wants it
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  more than the other, and it can change at different points of the relationship and of
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  life.
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  So within our own experience and within our own love bubble of things that we have experienced
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  with desires, my question for you is what have our own desire mismatches as they've come up?
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  What have they taught you about keeping the spark alive?
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  The biggest thing I think is, I guess, as you get older, the stress takes more of a a impact
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  on both sides.
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  You know?
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  From my experience, then I probably call just a number of times you're greener at work.
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  You get stressed out.
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  You come home, and it's just not either reading in the mood, of course, as you know.
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  And then having you know, we both have busy careers and stuff.
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  We were both running businesses.
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  I had three you know, got three kids and everything.
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  And just just a lot of different factors outside that can impact the navigating all the
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  logistics, and then on top of that, coming back you know, creating space to make time for each
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  other.
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  That's really, I would say, the the biggest thing I've I've I've learned in the past time.
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  Because I feel like what's come up for us probably the most and challenging is like, oh,
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  okay.
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  Well, we have, you know, the kid nights, and sometimes the kids are with their mom.
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  And, you know, when it's like kid nights, it's like like, oh, yeah.
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  Kids will go to bed, and we're gonna, like, still, like, get it in.
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  And, like, I think it's pretty rare that when the kids go to bed on some of those nights
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  because we're so involved, and it's so such a part of it, and it's so easy, I think, for the
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  kids to just like, we could just allow that to, like, take over.
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  So what do you think?
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  Do you think we've done anything in particular?
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  Just, when you're saying, like, create time, like, how do you like, how has that, like,
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  looked in your mind as far as organizing that to make sure that we still prioritize each
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  other?
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  Yes.
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  Don't have to clear that.
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  Yes.
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  A 100%.
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  There's a lot of it is and the fact that we enjoy the kid time.
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  It's fun.
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  It's just engaging, though we don't have to, like you know, it's it's it's so integrated and
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  easy and fun just to hang out with all of us.
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  So we kinda, like, almost not forget, but it's kinda, okay.
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  Well, it's just we're gonna get it to the weekend, you know, and then we'll get it to the
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  other.
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  So the things we navigate, how do how do we create space?
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  They say, how do create space for each other?
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  That will work How do we it without the kids or with stress and know?
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  How are we keeping the spark alive?
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  Like, do you think we're doing that keeps that alive?
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  Date night is in particular, prioritizing, especially if the kids are not allowed, making
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  sure that we're taking time for each other.
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  That's probably the the I think the number one thing.
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  It's like, okay.
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  Prioritizing.
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  Okay.
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  We got we got working, and then we got we got a third day and a five oh, crap.
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  We're we're busy Thursday, Friday, so I'm I'm a come over on a on a Tuesday to make sure that
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  we can all have because we're we're kidnaped on one day.
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  So that that my probably my the number one thing.
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  Yeah.
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  And that's one of the points too I think I wanted to make for everybody too because I read
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  a really interesting research article today.
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  I haven't told you about this yet, but it was looking at scheduling sex and planning sex and
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  because a lot of people will believe if it's, like, not spontaneous, if it's, like,
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  scheduled, then it's not as hot.
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  And what this article said in this this research was just published a month ago, so
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  it's, like or several months ago when this video is coming out.
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  But at the time of making this video, it was about a month ago in November.
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  And what the what the article, what this research found was that if people believed
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  planning sex was not hot, then it would actually be not hot.
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  But if they believed it was just, like, just as hot as spontaneous sex, then it actually was
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  just as as hot as spontaneous sex.
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  And what they also found was that when people reprogrammed their minds, so they gave people
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  in this study, they gave them like a research paper that said, hey, planning sex can actually
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  be hot, and then they actually found that if people were doubting that and they thought, oh,
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  it's not hot, and they read the study, then actually they were finding as they planned it,
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  it actually became hot.
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  So I don't feel like we, like you know, it's not like we plan it to the level of, like, oh,
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  yeah, we're always gonna have sex at this time.
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  But I do feel like we do plan it in a way because we look and it's like
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  We're creating a space for it.
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  Right.
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  Okay.
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  That's usually happens, but sometimes life does get in the way.
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  But it's really just creating space for each other to allow that to progress.
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  To unfold.
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  Right.
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  So it's like that awareness of like, wow, it's been some days, and like, looking at the
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  calendar, this is the only time in the week we have to connect, so we better both like commit
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  and prioritize it, otherwise it won't get in.
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  Is that
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  what you'd say?
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Okay.
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  So my next question for you, my love, is what advice would you give men out there who feel
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  rejected when a partner libidos drops?
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  And they come on to her, and she maybe saying no and no and no, and maybe it's because and
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  probably is because her libido has just dropped.
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  And I think this can lead to a lot of rejection, and I think it's something that we
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  don't talk a lot about in the wellness space, is we talk about rejection in dating, right,
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  and the impact of that, but we don't talk a lot about the rejection that we can actually have
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  from our partner.
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  So do you have advice for men, like, if they're feeling rejected by their partner that way?
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• 12:03
  Mature.
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  I think the biggest for a man, obviously, typically, I don't know my experience.
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  People that I talk to, guys have a higher sex drive in general.
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  That's not broad generalization.
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  And I was just I would obviously, the first thing to do is to talk to your partner and find
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  out what's going on.
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  Maybe there's certain circumstances or certain you know, if could be is it a temporary thing?
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  Is this a permanent thing?
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  Or is it a what are the what are the expectations?
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  Are you at all?
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  If, say, for example, one partner want, you know, sex x times a week, the other person want
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  double that time.
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  Know?
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  It's okay.
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  Then what can you do to fill that gap if you a lot and my take a lot of times, it could be
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  life changes as far as you're getting older, the the different changes going through, and
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  that can, you know, on top of the stress, on top of getting into I'm 50 now and just going
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  there's definitely definitely some different changes.
• 13:05
  So as far as advice, it's more like staying in tune of what reading the room in terms of your
• 13:12
  partner, talk to your partner, and understanding your own needs of what you you
• 13:16
  can do to, like, work to work towards solving getting your needs met as well.
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  So I got can can go a bit deeper on that.
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  Has there has there been anything, like, as my because my desire is definitely lower than
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  yours right now.
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  Has there been anything about that that has, like, surprised you in the way that we've
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  navigated it or anything that you've thought has been helpful or not helpful in the way that
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  we've navigated that?
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  Well, it doesn't always have to be just sex.
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  It's more of a underprivilely than that.
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  It can it can having, like, a shirt based and if it's something that you can get, you know,
• 13:56
  for your guys to have some fun and may or may not be just sex, they could just be other
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  levels of stimulation to, you know, blowjobs or anything else out there that can really help.
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  Kinda as well smooth the ride as always.
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  And, again, that's it's the guy's job that we also express.
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  Hey.
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  I I have a little bit more needs who can actually express that in a in a way that you
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  know?
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  And and also make make your partner want to do it.
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  Like, it may not be just not be just sex, but, like, you know, give them maybe the back
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  massage or give them, like, kind of feeling the the loving feeling to kinda, you know, take
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  care of you as well.
• 14:34
  That might that would be my take for the guys.
• 14:37
  Yeah.
• 14:37
  I agree.
• 14:38
  You told me the other day that I have back massages on demand, which is not entirely true
• 14:44
  because you have to work and you have kids, and there's plenty of times you're gonna be like,
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  no.
• 14:48
  But the point of that is
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  Try to decline.
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  What if
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  I said no?
• 14:52
  Well, you said not now.
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  What?
• 14:55
  I'm not allowed to say.
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  Point is, though, that, like, that level of just, you know, giving and providing and and
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  showing up in that way, you know, I think, at least in our relationship, I think there's a
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  huge amount of wanting to make sure there's a level of reciprocity.
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  And it's not, like, tit for tat by any means.
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  It's not only we're keeping a a scorecard.
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  It's more around like, oh, you're taking care of me and I wanna take care of you.
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  And that's sort of like the energy, the kind of the fundamental value I think that we both
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  share.
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  And probably one of the fundamental values I think that people, like, just get off track
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  with being on the same team on.
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  Right.
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  Would you say?
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  Yeah.
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  100%.
• 15:36
  I guess you could say I'd always trying to be reading what your partner wanted to.
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  So, oh, yeah.
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  I wish, you know, if you hear your partner said something, I wish x y z.
• 15:45
  Take take note and to to if you can you know, if it's something something about that you can
• 15:50
  fulfill, maybe some you know, vanity or not, sometimes it one bigger thing, I am a little
• 15:58
  messier than she is.
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  Keeping we have separate places.
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  Keeping my place neat is actually a huge value add when she comes over.
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  So that's just, like, one of the things that we actually have actually had conversations about.
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  We're trying to make sure and actually that's something I actually missed the cues I actually
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  missed was keeping my place clean.
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  That she took the initiative to actually, you know, have a conversation with me to help.
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  Okay.
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  This is a is this actually something important to us?
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  So what what It actually helped a lot to actually have my place clean.
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  That's what I had noticed.
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  So
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  And okay.
• 16:35
  So another thing I think is worth talking about is, like, how because, like, the way when I'm
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  making requests of you or vice versa, I think we've, like, navigated that so well.
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  So in this example, when I was asking you and talking about, like, hey.
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  I wanna change the way this place has kept up.
• 16:53
  How like, what about that approach works for you?
• 16:58
  You were pretty direct, but that helped.
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  I mean, when somebody's direct, I I that that to me.
• 17:05
  And the it's kind of the way it started was I'm pretty, you know, nonchalant with being a
• 17:15
  little messier, and my kid kinda followed that same pattern.
• 17:18
  And when, you know, she made a comment about something, hey.
• 17:23
  Could you tell me about keeping the trash can?
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  I I was, oh, yeah.
• 17:27
  Tell me I missed some, like, a trashy joke, and that kid my kid started laughing, and and it
• 17:33
  was actually not the response that she was looking for.
• 17:37
  So that that that triggered, okay, a more a conversation that, okay, this is actually a
• 17:42
  value for her to keep her place clean because, you know, how she feel, you know, whatever.
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  It's one of the core values that she was brought up with that I was not.
• 17:53
  I would it was attempted by my parents, but that it did not succeed as well.
• 17:57
  They should have had.
• 17:59
  So
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  And I think where that, like, applies, like, sexually, like, one of the things that I've
• 18:03
  noticed is, like, those things, and and I think a lot of women have their a lot of humans have
• 18:08
  their own version of this, right, and the version of what I notice is when a place is
• 18:13
  clean and organized, it's almost like my brain can rest and can focus.
• 18:18
  So it's so much easier than if my partner's coming on to me to be like, oh, I'm not seeing
• 18:24
  the dirt on the floor, I'm not seeing all the other things, and it's easier for me to
• 18:27
  actually be present to the pleasure.
• 18:29
  And I think what you're talking about around the joke, you're right, because there was a
• 18:33
  moment when it was like, oh, was just an immediate joke, where I think I pulled back and
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  had a moment of like, wow, I'm not being taken seriously or something, but you quickly
• 18:42
  recognize that and
• 18:45
  yeah.
• 18:45
  And Because you were direct.
• 18:47
  That's
• 18:49
  a good thing.
• 18:49
  Yeah.
• 18:50
  Yeah.
• 18:50
  Yeah.
• 18:51
  Yeah.
• 18:51
  So
• 18:52
  Anything else that you feel like from a desire mismatch standpoint is, like, something you've
• 18:58
  learned and how we navigate that?
• 19:02
  Biggest thing, I mean, like I said, is making sure that you can act, make request, and
• 19:11
  getting creative.
• 19:12
  Even if you need to get the boys need to get footage from some fun footage, to use that as a
• 19:20
  tool on your own time.
• 19:21
  And that that can be I don't know what other desire mismatches, but communicating and get a
• 19:28
  little creative.
• 19:29
  That's probably the top two.
• 19:31
  Yeah.
• 19:31
  Great.
• 19:33
  Well, thank you for sharing all that, my love.
• 19:35
  I appreciate you for being here, and and thank you, everybody.
• 19:38
  Please do post your comments down here.
• 19:41
  Tell us what you think of boyfriend edition.
• 19:43
  We'd love to have Mike back again, and please also look in the comments for that 30% off
• 19:48
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• 19:56
  We'll see you all next time.
• 20:00
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• 20:03
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