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Loneliness in Midlife: Finding Friendship, Connection, and Faith · Still Well Podcast

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends, and welcome to Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Still Well Podcast.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me today.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Brooke, and I'm so excited to have another conversation with you about all things midlife, after the kids have grown, after they're moving out of the house.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're in this next phase of life, kind of thinking through what's going on, what's next for us, talking about aging.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's all of these things.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you watched the first episode, which dropped this week, then you got to hear about many of those things.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was all over the place a little, but I really wanted to just give you a highlight and breakdown of how I saw this podcast going.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, I really want to have this time with you as if we were sitting down over a cup of tea talking to each other.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I really hope it comes across that way.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode in particular, do I wish you were sitting in my family room with me right now or that we were in a cafe having a cup of tea?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because it is a well, I don't know.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say tricky topic, and it might not be tricky for you.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's just tricky for me, but I'm guessing that at least some of you are going to be able to relate to this, and it's been weighing on my heart for I I I would say, you know, the last couple months, but if I'm being really honest and frank with you, it's been weighing on my heart for almost as long as I can remember.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is one of dare I say, my biggest struggles in life just in general, and then certainly even more so in this phase of life as my kids are getting older, um and just face with different types of transitions.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that is I'm building this up, and it's like dun dun dun, and you might be listening and then be like, uh uh but loneliness loneliness.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a big thing for me.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm gonna guess that some of you, at least some of you, are feel this in this phase of life.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder that you know you have those days when you wake up and you just feel off.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like things just don't feel right.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And as the day progresses, you get like more miserable and you get a little like bitey and snarky and short-tempered, maybe with your spouse, or if your kids happen to be home, or what whatever.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And you just can't quite put your finger on why you feel that way or why you feel just off.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes I think that can even happen over longer periods of time where we just feel like not so great.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times we just keep going through the motions and moving fast so we don't even have to stop and think about why we feel that way.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I have been actively pushing against that and trying to slow down and stop and think about why I'm feeling the way I do, or why my outlook is like this today.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling overwhelmed?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling off?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling irritated?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I feeling a little down?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Those sorts of things.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I have come to the realization that one of the things that drives many of my emotions is loneliness and afraid of being lone and feelings of disconnectedness.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, I'm gonna say that I probably, as I, as I we started and I I mentioned this, have struggled with this for a very long time.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't, for some reason, I I had just had not not so much in elementary school.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're going back years, but like high school, late, later in high school, and then certainly college, grad school, and beyond, for some reason, I just struggled with female friendships and deep connections.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think part of the issue for me has been that I like to go deep with people and I like to really connect.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't do just, I have a hard time sometimes with just like small talk and tons and tons.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the person that has tons and tons of friends around me.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I like a small inner circle that I'm tight with that I know that I can trust, that I can share things with, and we're on the same page.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe my expectations are too high.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think I talked about that the first podcast that sometimes just our expectations we have to let go of.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: We have too high of expectations, and it's gonna lead to us always feeling like let down.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe that's part of it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I wonder if I know that in this phase of life, it becomes even more obvious that we feel that way.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of us are struggling even more feeling lonely and having trouble finding friends because of the phase of life that we're in.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, let's get real about this.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of our friends, when our kids were growing up, most of our adult life came from our kids.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, I remember when I got done with college.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not college, graduate school.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband and I were engaged.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I moved to the town where he was living in DC, and we got then got married.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking when we moved into that house, wow, it's a lot, it's a lot harder when you move to a new area and you're not in school to make friends.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, unless you're meeting them at work or you're in a neighborhood, we were lucky to be in a neighborhood.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So we had some people that were our age, but it just becomes more difficult.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're not in class, you're maybe not going out as much.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was a difficult thing that I had to navigate and get through.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't long after my husband and I were married that we had our first son.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so then what I found, and I'm sure you can relate, is once you start having kids, you build your friend network around your kids.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And because you're all of your time is with your kids, we're taking them to the sporting events, we're taking them to the afterschool activities, we're doing, you know, all the things that they're interested in, the Boy Scouts or the Girl Scouts or the dancing.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, there's a wide range of things, but we're just always busy with them and our lives are revolving around them.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: They enjoy their friends.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So to befriend their friends' parents is an easy thing and a great thing for everyone.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had great friends.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm so blessed to say that that I had a really good connection.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: My son, my oldest one especially, is a social butterfly.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: He had tons of friends around him from the start, and they were all great kids, and the parents were great people.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: But as the kids grow up and they move on, they go to they leave home, maybe they're going to college or whatever they're doing.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: At least for me, I find that you didn't, there there weren't the sporting events anymore.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: There weren't the activities, there weren't the things that were keeping us together.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you don't see, you start to the the friendships start to fall apart.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes also the people that we were friends with from our kids are maybe, I mean, not to say that they're not fabulous people and good people and we didn't have fun, but they're maybe not people like the common denominator was your kids.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then when the kids are gone, you're like, well, it's a little trickier to maintain that friendship.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing for my husband and I, we moved, we just moved uh two years ago, and so that was tricky too.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Again, because we're in a new town, we're in a neighborhood where it's not as easy to make friends, we're older, our kids are older, and so navigating that is really tricky.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's easy, I think, in this phase of life to feel very lonely and a little disconnected.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a really tough thing.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, there's two things that I I want to unpack here because I just think that feeling lonely and feeling disconnected is one of the easiest ways for us to get distracted in our lives and to just feel really down and to get even to a point of sometimes feeling depressed.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not, it's not, we're not meant to go through human beings, are meant to be in community.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're not meant to go through life alone.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're meant to share our lives.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you feel disconnected and you feel lonely, and now even your time that was spent with your kids as they were growing up, you had your kids at home, you were being distracted by them when all of that settles and you don't find that you have a lot of friends around or connection, it's tough.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think, you know, as we we talk about being strong, steady, and rooted in midlife, and we'll continue to talk about this, having that still well life and being a still well mom.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: We need to address the topic of friendships and connections and how do we go about not feeling so lonely?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know some of you are listening, like I want to make sure that I address this for everyone.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you might just turn this episode off now because I I've actually talked to some women who have told me we had a great group of friends.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I think who was I talking to?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was a parent that I met on my older son's lacrosse team.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And she was saying, Man, she was at emptiness.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: This was her last son on my son's lacrosse team.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it was her last child was out of the house, emptiness.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, actually, she's like, it's been tough.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: But we had such a great group of friends of lacrosse parents from him and high my son in high school.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we've all stayed friends.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're traveling together, we're doing things together, we get together, and it's just been amazing.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I, I'm not gonna lie, I know you're not supposed to feel jealous and it's not Christian.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was jealous.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was happy for her, but also like, oh man.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I think some of you are and whoever, if you're listening to this and you're in that situation, A, you're probably not listening anymore.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: But also, I just want to say, congratulations.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would hope that we would all have those types of friends around us.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And let's be honest, too, we're all wired a little differently.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us want and need to work more extroverted and we need a big group of people around us.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And some of us don't.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us are, you know, on the other end where we're introverted and prefer to be alone.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I would say and push you a little bit if you are that person, because I'm a little bit like that, and just say that we still need to have at least a little bit of connection.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: We still need to have somebody that we can talk with and talk about struggles that we're going through.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're sharing how we're feeling about, I don't know, if something comes up with our health or, you know, something that's come up with our kids or in our marriage.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: We need those connections.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's really I think we need to be mindful of that.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to approach this from too.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm trying to think of the best way for us to get into this.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about why we need the connection, why it's important.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I also want to talk about why sometimes connections or disconnection, loss of friendship is also important.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a that's probably that's gonna be an interesting thing to talk through.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So let's I think I've probably have already talked about why connection is important.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't know connection, we we are meant, again, I I've stated this earlier, we are meant to be connected.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: We're meant to live in community.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you are in the Bible, the Bible is explicit about being in community.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, through the New Testament, they talk about the early church meeting together and breaking bread together and having dinner together.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus always had a group of people around him.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: In the Old Testament, a lot of the Jewish traditions and holidays were around the group of them coming together and celebrating and feasting together.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: So we're meant to be connected.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the best things for us.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: We need that connection.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: We need it to flourish in this phase of life.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's even research that came out of, I think it was Harvard, a year or two ago that's of all the things that show, and you all probably heard this is probably old news, but in case some of you haven't, I'll just repeat it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Of all of the factors or benchmarks in this research where they followed people for years that was connected to their longevity and health, the biggest one was not like what they were eating or how they were moving their body or any of those things.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest benchmark was or needle mover was their connection or their sense of connection or their sense of belonging.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not just important, you know, we talk about these three pieces of uh thriving in midlife.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the physical piece is important for our health, but the emotional piece is so important for our health and for our just flourishing.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And we are far more emotionally balanced and healthy when we have good connection.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then on top of that, the faith piece.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this is another area where you can really, we need to have time alone with God for sure, without a doubt.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have found that in my life and certainly, especially in the last six months.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to have our own relationship with God, but we also need to build community.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: We also need to have people around us when we're down or we have a need that we can call and say, hey, I could really use prayer for this.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, we even need, we even need to, if we're believing a lie or we're feeling overwhelmed, sometimes we need to talk to somebody else that'll tell us, like, that is not, that's not you, or that's not a liar, that's not what's happening.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Here's here's how I perceive this for you.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's even, you need sometimes to hear the hard truth.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: You need somebody to tell you if, you know, you you need good advice, you need constructive criticism.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: We have the tendency to not always see that.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Our judgment can be clouded when we look at our own life.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're not always as self-aware as we should be.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to have those friends.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: We need to have those connections that can lift us up and speak truth over us and pray for us and pray with us.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So there's that piece too.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, as I have been thinking about this, this I have been pulling this apart for the last couple of weeks.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then two things happen.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, three things happened.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I first I was in a church.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was at church, and our pastor, Pastor Tim, was talking about being in a desert season, and I'll get to that in a second.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I've been reading, I told you in, I think the last podcast episode that I've been reading Jenny Allen, and she was talking about get out in her book, Get Out of Your Head, how you need to have connection and how important it is.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then another thing that happened was my dad texted me just yesterday morning.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let me start with Jenny, let me then jump to Pastor Tim, and then I'll end with my dad.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: But Jenny was saying how important it is to have good friends.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I had kind of been in this place where I'm just gonna be real here, like I've been feeling a little more lonely.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I feel disconnected.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like I have some very good friends, but they don't, they don't live close by.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't see them regularly.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: We get on calls sometimes, but it just doesn't feel the same.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've been feeling a yearning in my heart.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and I've I have talked about this.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to me on Life After Kids, I've talked about this before, but a yearning in my heart to have stronger connections with women.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's been actually a recent prayer of mine that I would just be connected with wise, God-fearing women to help me do life, women that'll, you know, bring out the best in me and not the worst, and help me to just fully become what God has intended for me.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so then reading Get Out of Your Head, Jenny talking about how important it is when we are spiraling and our thoughts are feeling overwhelmed to have those people that we can go to.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even if for nothing else to just speak what you're going through out loud, sometimes we just need to speak it to process it.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because the more we keep things inside, the more we spiral.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so that reading that really, I don't gutted is gonna sound really dramatic.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't necessarily gut me, but when I read that, it just spurred me on to think about even more that I need, I need to work on.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make that an important part of my life.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I need to put some focus there, to put some focus on my relationships.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I I've been feeling that.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was sitting with it over my 50th birthday as well, because while it was a wonderful celebration, it wasn't what I had been planning for several years with a friend.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was just different.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had been thinking through that already.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: So then let's rewind a little bit because I just read that this week in one of her chapters.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: So let's rewind to the church service that was on Sunday with Pastor Tim, where he was talking about being in this desert season.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the overarching message was just because something seemed successful, that is not your sign that that's where God wants you to be.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes God is going to take you into the desert, like away from all the success to do something else for him.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and there was also this message of sometimes he takes you away from relationships and people that you think are good for you or that seem to fill your cup because you need to learn how to be dependent on him.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: You need to put him as your top priority and you guys.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I was so convicted by that because I really, and I'm gonna be really vulnerable and real here too.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: I am definitely, I see for sure, and I don't know if my friends have seen this in the past.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should talk to them about this, but I, again, I have high expectations.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I put a lot of high expectations on myself.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: I put a lot of high expectations on other people as well.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I definitely do that to my friends.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I know that I have put so much pressure, not outwardly, but just in my own mind of what I want from my relationships, that I rely on them to fill a gap in my heart, to bring joy to me, to make me feel happy and feel good in my life.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is just, I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy here.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder what how you guys feel about this.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I rely a lot on other people for that.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I'm in this season where God is like, those people can't give you what you need.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those people are not, yes, they're good friends and they're fun to be around and you can lean on them, but they are not responsible for bringing you joy.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: They are not the people, they are not the thing that's gonna make you feel happy about your life now that your kids are grown.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: They are not, you should not be relying on them to put you in a happy spot.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because the problem is that they're human and they're gonna fall short.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're not perfect, I'm not perfect.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: None of us are perfect.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're relying on a person, a friend, whoever that is, to bring you your joy to make you happy, and then that friend falls short in some way.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: It could be something small, like you really needed them to text you or call you and they didn't or they canceled on you, it could be something big.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I've walked through these seasons where I was really hurt by just gutted by friends.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's it, if you're in that situation where you're relying on them for your joy, your whole world is upended, upended, because they are not the rock that you put your life on.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, I would even go as far to say is that we can make our relationship idols above God.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Anything can be an idol.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that takes our focus from God can be an idol.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we can do that in our relationships.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think we do that with our kids.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually planning a whole other podcast episode just on talking about the different idols that we have, because I know I've had so many of them in my life, but that's what I'm getting the sense of like you're not supposed to be relying on them.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna put you in a season of your life where you might feel a little lonely in order for you to find me and draw close to me and make me your best friend, because that's the way I intended it from the start.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And God is the only one that is perfect.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: He is the only one that loves me perfectly.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: He's the only one that will not let me down.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he only one where I'm going to find true joy and peace in my life about myself.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's the other thing.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, can you relate to, I'm sure you can relate because we've all done this as women, where we want to get our self-worth from other people and how they feel about us.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, that is the worst.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because if they treat you poorly, you don't feel like you're measuring up, then what?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Where God is like, I made you and I love you just the way you are.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be anybody else.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: You need to obey me, you need to spend time with me, you need to, to, to seek me and you know, ask for forgiveness for the things that need to be forgiven, but you don't have to be somebody who you are not.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that is, it's so freeing, but also it just removes that.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's like I can breathe.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: It it I I feel like I say this a lot, but it just lets me take a deeper breath.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it allows me to look back on friendships that I've had, some that I've lost, some that are being rebuilt or new connections, whatever it is, and realize like I put way too much pressure on them.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: And until I get, again, it's God first.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: And until I get my relationship with him right, the other relationships in my life are not going to be right.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until I get my self-worth and confidence in him, I'm not gonna be able to show up as myself to be the friend I need to be or to attract the friends that I want.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's just, it's just so important.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that might be even just hitting me now, just as I'm processing it with you, but really, how do you expect, how do we expect to have good friendships if we don't have a good relationship with God?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because that should be our most important friendship.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: That should be how we model all of our other friendships.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so within you might go, well, how do I build a relationship with God?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, how would you build a relationship with anyone else?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: One, you spend time with them.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: You get to know them, you talk to them, you share with them.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been doing a lot more of that recently.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been so good about it in the past, but you know, maybe the times where you're feeling lonely or a little brokenhearted or wishing you had somebody to go get a coffee with, maybe you'd make I don't drink coffee, but tea, coffee for you if it is, whatever one.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Make that hot beverage and sit down with the Lord and just have a talk with him.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or just be quiet and listen for him.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's really tough.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I said that I would circle also what my dad texts me, and it really was the same thing Tim said, Pastor Tim, but it was just a little more direct.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: He was really sweet.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: He texted me to like he was so excited that the podcast had dropped and I'm so proud of you.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, he texts me because if we can be light in this topic for a minute, he said, I'm I shared your Podcast on Facebook with everyone, but I really want to share it with my siblings and some of my family members.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: And they're not on Facebook.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: How do I do it?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Can you send me the link?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Can you text it?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Can you?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're having trouble.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it was this whole like 30-minute thing, but it was so great.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And they've been so supportive.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I I mentioned to him somewhere in that text conversation about it being difficult to do things on your own.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he said the same thing that Pastor Tim did.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes God removes hindrances in your life so that you can show up for the life that you need to, or to show that your strength doesn't come from anybody else, your support system doesn't come from anybody else.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: He may use other people, but it has to start with him.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: I guess we could talk about too.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: The next steps are if you're feeling lonely, you know, because this is the push and pull.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've got, here I am, I've got Pastor Tim's message resonating with me that you might be in the desert right now.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: You might be in a quiet season.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: God might be peeling back those friendships in order for you to build a better relationship with him.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: He may be pulling away things that are keeping you from him.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: He may, he may be pulling away things that just weren't good for you.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships that weren't good that weren't bringing out the best.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like we need to be have friendships that bring out the best in us that help us be better people, not tear us down or not not be bad influences on us.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it might just be as simple as that.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: But there's this push and pull for me for hearing Pastor Tim's message.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then just as I'm getting comfortable with that, I'm reading Jenny Allen's book and I'm reading about how important connections are.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, I see what you're doing, Lord.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, you can be in a season where you, and I think we all go through different seasons, right?
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we have, you know, our social calendars are filled and busy and we've got people all around us.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it ebbs and flows, it's a little more quiet.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we all we all go through those seasons.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Last summer I spent a whole summer, like just about completely disconnected.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, other than my husband and my kids, I was really kind of quiet, just spending a lot of time with the Lord and in nature and my dogs.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I think, yeah, like we have to be careful that we don't stay in that cycle.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: We we have to have both, but we do need connection.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're finding yourself in a cycle of feeling really lonely and really disconnected, yeah, maybe it's where you need to be right now, but also we can't stay there for the long term.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's my point.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's no place to stay for the long term.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it doesn't have to be tons of friends all around us, but we do need to have some friends that we can rely on.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: We do need to have community.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: So then the question is, thank you so much, Jenny, for that that I need them.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do, how do I do like, okay, so it's important.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do about it?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's the like that's the question of the hour.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if friendship's so important, great, but how do we how do we make those friendships?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: How do we find friends at this age?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy, right?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Again, like our kids are older.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: We might even be choosing different careers or heading into retirement.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we don't necessarily have the friends maybe from work.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: We, it's tricky.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's really tricky.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've moved somewhere new, that makes it even more trickier.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: So listen, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend to tell you that I have all the answers because I really don't.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've obviously just told you that I've been struggling with this.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I will say because I've been thinking on it, and this is this is the first thing that's been on my heart is that, well, here's the very first thing.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've been praying about it.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I told you that already, right?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: That I have been praying, and this is a fervent prayer for mine that I will continue to pray for the Lord to bring wise, God-fearing women into my life.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's number one.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I've talked, I've talked about this.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: I actually did a reel on Instagram about this with physical health.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's this push and pull between we need to pray to God for healing and for health and wellness.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: And He can heal and do all things.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: He is the healer.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: He did make us.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: But we also have to be good stewards and take action around that faith and take care of ourselves.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think friendship here is the same way where we can pray for, you know, God fearing, wise, kind, intelligent, whatever it is that you're longing for in our life, we pray for that, right?
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: We take that to God.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: But then we don't just sit around and wait for them to show up to at our doorstep because that's likely not to happen.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to take steps too.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, the next step was Brooke, you got to get plugged in, girl.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: You got to get plugged into church or maybe a woman's Bible study.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is what's on my immediate mind that you know, we're in summer right now, but once summer wraps up, I need to A, get plugged into church, either in a women's group or I'm looking at, and this isn't with the church that I go to, because there's a church that I, the church that I attend when I'm in Florida, I attend.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm not there, it's typically virtual, which is tough because I'm not the majority of the time I'm not there.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: You probably don't care about this, but my point is a lot of the time I'm doing virtual church, which is great because I love the pastor, I love the worship, I love all of it.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's bad because it's hard to build community.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I need to get plugged in on a regular basis.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm looking actually at a church that I just heard from I'm in a mom in prayer group, which that would be another way to mate women if friends, if you're listening, I'll talk to them about that in a second.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, my mind goes in a lot of directions.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I had just recently heard that there is a church about 15, 20 minutes from me that I think on Tuesday mornings has a women's Bible study.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to go to that church to join the STEM, but there's a woman that leads it and they meet and they have tea and coffee, you know, whatever, and then they're going through the Bible together.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I that's on my list.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need to do that because I need to make, I need to start putting myself out there and I need to put myself in environments where I have the opportunity to meet good, kind, loving women.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's one of the things that I'm thinking through.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping, I mean, I guess that's the biggest one right now for me.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's, you know, aside from that, I guess there could be uh other action steps we could take.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just thinking off the top of my head, because the biggest one really was that getting plugged in with church and getting plugged into women's Bible study.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, there's also book clubs that you could join.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's old friends that you need to reconnect with.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's another avenue.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Getting plugged in and getting closer with your family, I've been really leaning into that too.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just, you know, building better relationships with my brothers and my sister-in-laws, getting more connected with my husband, that's a great relationship too.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: I suppose joining classes, any type of class, there could be cooking classes.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is the thing.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: If we're doing things that we enjoy doing in a group setting, whether that be yoga or I don't know, like a weightlifting class or a crocheting class or a book club or a cooking class or art, whatever it is, we have the opportunity to meet like-minded people because they're there doing the same thing.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: But we're not gonna find, you know, I don't think we'll find our friends at home.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: The mom in prayers, let me moms in prayer.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't heard of that organization, a friend of mine told me about it when I was telling her that I was feeling disconnected.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: This was a couple months ago.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: And she mentioned that her church, she lives in Michigan, so I don't get to see her often, but she mentioned that her church has a moms in prayer group that I should look into.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was really hoping to do that in person, but it turns out the one in my area was virtual.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I started that on Friday morning.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and that's been great.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's been great to pray over my kids.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: I would encourage you to look into it.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can put the link in the show notes, but I would encourage you to look into it because it's just an hour.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, when I first started, A, I was like, oh, I don't know how this is gonna go.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: An hour.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: How are we gonna fill our time with praying?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: And also I was a little nervous because frankly, I haven't done, I don't do, I don't make a regular practice of praying out loud with other women, especially women I don't know.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I will tell you, it's been like the such a blessing.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was great to be able to put myself in an uncomfortable situation and grow and pray with other women and have them pray, like pray for my kids and then have them pray over my kids for the same needs and then do the same for them.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: And just to get online, even in a virtual setting with women that you've never met that look totally different than you, that are walking a different life than you, but you feel connected to them and like they're a sister because they love Jesus is really remarkable.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would encourage you there too.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: That can be very, very helpful to you.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they have they have chapters all like local chapters, I think in every state, and I think all over the world, because one of the women I prayed with is from Korea and she splits time between Massachusetts and Korea.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: So she has groups, I think, in both areas.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: But that would be uh a place to make connections to.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then one other thing that's on my mind for connections, and I just did this yesterday, and I want to do a full podcast on it.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: But my son and I, my youngest son, who is going to be a junior in high school, he and I um served at a soup kitchen with a local church.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not a church, we're in New Hampshire right now, so not a church that we attend regularly, but it was a church that I found online on Wednesday nights.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: They cook a whole meal, and anybody that can afford to eat, whether they're homeless or whatever the case, can come and they are served a delicious meal and they're talked to just dignity, love, respect, warm, good food, straight from bread, salad, main course to dessert.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason I'm telling you this is because I met two awesome women there, like that I would have never expected.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just funny to think about you're praying for these things and then you might meet people in places you don't even expect to meet them.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that was really cool.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: And who knows where that those connections will lead.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I think the more that we put ourselves out into the community, the more that we lean into service and to draw close to God, the more we'll find connection and relationship.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm hopeful for for my life.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, TBD, we'll see.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: But this is I I feel really hopeful about it, you know, because I do, again, I I've I've have I have the tendency to go into like poor me mode.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all by myself.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so lonely.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: What if something happens to my husband and my kids are older and what's my life gonna look like 20 years from now if I don't have friends?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be all alone.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like these are the silly things that go through my mind.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do they go through yours too?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but anyway, I it just, you know, and then you can lead to being somebody you're not just to try to fit in, like you did in, you know, junior high, which is just we're too old for that.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it's tricky.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: And who would ever guess that you'd hit 50 and beyond or 40 and beyond, whatever that looks like for you, 60 and beyond midlife, and still be struggling with friendship.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: I really hope I didn't just do this whole podcast and I'm the only one.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, yeah, that's a lot.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot, ladies.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to building this community, to having more listeners, to you hopefully sharing with your friends.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: We need connection.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a great place to connect as well.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we start a group online where we get together regularly and we can meet virtually.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what this is gonna look like.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just know God's placed it on my heart.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: And in a weird way, as I'm talking to this camera, I feel like I'm connecting with you and I hope you feel the same to me.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and I would love it if we can continue to connect.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I would also love it, as I've said at the end of other podcasts, if you would just reach out and get in touch.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: I, after that first podcast, I was so nervous about it dropping.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how it goes and you know, you go through that, oh, it was terrible.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: I said silly things, like nobody's gonna relate to this.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I had two women I I'd never even met.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I get to meet them someday in person that reached out to me via email.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: The one is I was doubting myself and I just had finished with sitting with the Lord and praying.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I just popped on my phone and her message popped up, and it was like a word from God.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I told I emailed her back and said, You, God spoke through you to just lift me up and like reassure me.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was so lovely to have her connect with me in the podcast and then her connect to me and just fill my cup.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I I pray that there will be more of those uh interactions.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I really do want to hear from you.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just saying that as fluff.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you, if something resonated with you, if there's something that you want me to talk about or you that you're struggling with, because we're all, you know, we're all in this season together.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling with it, I probably have or somebody else has.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't like what I said or you want me, you know, if you have feedback, uh anything, like I'm I'm here for it.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to grow.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't grow unless we hear um, I hope it'll be kind, but but you know, uh constructive criticism, I guess is the word.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: So anything, don't hesitate to reach out.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I really do want to build relationships with you.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: The best way to do that is, well, if you're following me on Instagram or Facebook at the Stillwell Mom, you could DM me.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: But you could also, and probably the quickest way for me to get it would be by emailing me at Brooke with an E on the end at the Stillwell Mom.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then again, ladies, uh check out the website, www.thestillwell mom.com for everything that I've got going on there.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: And there's resources there.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are enjoying the podcast so far, I know we're only three in, but I would just ask if you feel so led, if you would take a moment to give a five star and a little, a little one-sentence something of to review, maybe where you're from and something that you picked up or liked about it, it would be such a blessing and a huge help for the podcast to get more visibility.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly if something resonated with you here today or at past episodes, it will likely resonate with your friends or family members too.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: So please share with them.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm looking forward to building this with you and seeing where God takes it.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that again, you are not alone in midlife.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: You always have the choice to choose stewardship over striving, and you can be strong in body, steady in mind, and rooted in faith.