Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 299. Flashback Friday - My Sex Tape Was Shared Without My Consent

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299. Flashback Friday - My Sex Tape Was Shared Without My Consent · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises podcast. I'm Ashi. And I'm Tiana.
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  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh, cry, and talk about the topics
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  Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
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  Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level self.
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  Speaker 1: I've heard this story and you have spoken about it
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: on stage once a couple of months ago, which I
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  Speaker 1: know was a huge accomplishment for you. But speaking to
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  Speaker 1: tens of thousands of people and sharing this really vulnerable
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  Speaker 1: story that happened to you, I know it was really hard.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm really proud of you for being here today
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  Speaker 1: and sharing it.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you.
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  Speaker 1: You guys obviously saw the title that Tiana had a
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  Speaker 1: sex tape released.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So take me back. Who was it with? How did
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  Speaker 1: it happen? How did you find out?
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  Speaker 2: I already feel emotional.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. And that's so okay.
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  Speaker 2: Like literally any woman's worst nightmare. Like I had a
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  Speaker 2: sex tape of me released without my consent at 19
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  Speaker 2: years old.
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  Speaker 1: I was 17 in the video though.
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  Speaker 2: Oh. And yeah, it was with an ex-partner of mine
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  Speaker 2: who I had been with for three, almost four years.
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  Speaker 2: It was like on and off. It's like one of those,
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  Speaker 2: you know, your first relationship, not very healthy. It's quite toxic,
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  Speaker 2: including my own behavior in that relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Did you have a really bad breakup? And was that
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  Speaker 1: like revenge porn?
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I can't imagine it being anything else.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it was a messy breakup.
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  Speaker 2: Like our relationship was very damaging for the both of us.
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  Speaker 2: Like we just were both so young and didn't know
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  Speaker 2: how to navigate each other and we hurt each other
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  Speaker 2: and it just wasn't healthy. And we were constantly breaking
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  Speaker 2: up and getting back together. And probably halfway through our relationship,
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  Speaker 2: we decided to make an intimate video. And the thing
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  Speaker 2: is at the time, and I look back now and
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  Speaker 2: I really recognize like I knew it was wrong. but
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  Speaker 2: I obviously was like wanting to do it and experience
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  Speaker 2: that with my partner. And I was like, okay, maybe
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  Speaker 2: we've been long enough together. And I saw myself, you know,
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  Speaker 2: getting married with him and potentially having kids. And I
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  Speaker 2: thought he was my forever person. You know, I was like,
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  Speaker 2: of course I can trust this person. Like I would
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  Speaker 2: never in a million years have thought that.
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  Speaker 1: He would have done that. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And whilst our relationship wasn't the healthiest, it was like,
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  Speaker 2: we had this unspoken bond that like, I just never
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  Speaker 2: in a million years thought that he would do that,
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  Speaker 2: you know? So I was actually at home this one
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  Speaker 2: night and I was laying in bed watching Netflix and
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  Speaker 2: one of my best friends, Laura, she called me up
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  Speaker 2: and she was like, Tiana, I need to see you.
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  Speaker 2: Can I come over? But it was like, she wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: tell me what it was about. And that was really
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  Speaker 2: unusual because like we were so close that it was like,
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  Speaker 2: we would literally just voice message each other back and
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  Speaker 2: forth and she would tell me anything.
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  Speaker 1: Did your stomach drop?
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  Speaker 2: I was like, something's wrong.
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  Speaker 1: Like something is wrong.
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  Speaker 2: I think I had like 30 minute wait for her
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  Speaker 2: to get to my house. And I was just like
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  Speaker 2: sitting on the end of my bed, like with my
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  Speaker 2: thoughts and just like thinking like worst case scenario. Like
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  Speaker 2: I thought, you know, maybe something bad had happened to
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  Speaker 2: her or like something bad had happened even to like
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  Speaker 2: someone we know. Like I was just like thinking worst
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  Speaker 2: case scenario. I'm like, did somebody get hurt? Did somebody
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  Speaker 2: hurt you?
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  Speaker 1: Like what happened?
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  Speaker 2: And she like walks in, sits on the end of
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  Speaker 2: my bed and she was like, I was sitting at
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  Speaker 2: a house party at Jamie's house, which was her boyfriend
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  Speaker 2: at the time. And she was like, I was sitting
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  Speaker 2: around a fire and I could overhear people on the
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  Speaker 2: other side of the fire talking about you. Naturally, I
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  Speaker 2: like shut up and I leaned in so I could
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  Speaker 2: like listen. And they were talking about how they had
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  Speaker 2: just watched a video of you.
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  Speaker 1: Did you know in that moment it was your intimate
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  Speaker 1: video or had you forgotten that you had made it?
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  Speaker 2: I knew what it was. But at this point I
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  Speaker 2: hadn't even told her what it was. Like I didn't
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  Speaker 2: share that. It wasn't something I even shared with my friends.
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  Speaker 2: And so I was like, I know what it is
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  Speaker 2: but I'm not allowed to.
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  Speaker 1: Say what it is.
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  Speaker 2: It was like I need to take this to the
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  Speaker 2: grave because this is not something that people do.
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  Speaker 1: Like that was the assumption that I had. You felt
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  Speaker 1: shame around it.
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  Speaker 2: I felt so much shame around it. And what was
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  Speaker 2: even worse, like when she shared that with me, she
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  Speaker 2: was like they were all talking about a video of
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  Speaker 2: you on their phone and one of them had it
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  Speaker 2: on his phone. And they were watching it like around
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  Speaker 2: the fire. And she was like, I left as soon
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  Speaker 2: as I could to come here to tell you. And
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  Speaker 2: I just like was in shock. Like I was terrified.
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  Speaker 2: My heart like sank out of my chest. And I
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  Speaker 2: was just like having flashbacks of like the type of
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  Speaker 2: video that I actually did make and thinking like people
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  Speaker 2: are going to fucking call me a slut. People are
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  Speaker 2: going to be so ruthless with this. They're going to
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  Speaker 2: hate me. They're not going to be my friend. Like,
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  Speaker 2: you know, I'm literally going to get like isolated and
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  Speaker 2: pushed out of the town because people are never going
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  Speaker 2: to be friends with a woman who has a sex tape,
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  Speaker 2: you know? And like the thing in the back of
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  Speaker 2: my mind as well was like, how the fuck am
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  Speaker 2: I going to explain this to my dad? Me going
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  Speaker 2: to my parents was like the most terrifying thing because
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  Speaker 2: I knew I was underage in the video and I
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  Speaker 2: thought that there was something that they could do to
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  Speaker 2: stop it from going around the town because it was like,
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  Speaker 2: eventually people you know sharing it and watching it while
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  Speaker 2: I'm sitting in the gym training and then people messaging
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  Speaker 2: me on fake accounts after being like oh by the
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  Speaker 2: way I just want to warn you like there's a
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  Speaker 2: bunch of guys in the gym watching it while you're
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  Speaker 2: training like laughing behind your back kind of thing and
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  Speaker 2: hearing people like walk past me and make you know
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  Speaker 2: comments and things like that in public settings and you
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  Speaker 2: know and it just like ruined like my reputation and
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  Speaker 2: my self-confidence and I just felt like I wanted to
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  Speaker 2: literally crawl into a hole and die.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I don't blame you.
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  Speaker 2: And I just couldn't get out of my head. Like
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  Speaker 2: when I found out, I was like, what are my
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  Speaker 2: parents going to think? Like, how am I going to
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  Speaker 2: tell my dad that like his little girl is like,
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  Speaker 2: you know, and I just felt like so like impure,
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  Speaker 2: you know?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I was like something that is so intimate and
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  Speaker 2: private and like special is like no longer special because
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  Speaker 2: like all of these people who I don't know and
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  Speaker 2: who I haven't given permission to like see me naked
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  Speaker 2: or to see me having sex, you know, literally like
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  Speaker 2: being fucking penetrated on video. Like I just like lost
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  Speaker 2: myself in it, you know, and I just like wanted
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  Speaker 2: to run. All I wanted to do was run. The
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  Speaker 2: thing that I look back at now is that I
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  Speaker 2: had a conversation with my ex-partner after we had made
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  Speaker 2: it about deleting the video. but I wasn't strong enough
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  Speaker 2: in my boundaries to continue pushing for that boundary. Like
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  Speaker 2: I said, I want to delete the video. And what
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  Speaker 2: he came back to me with was, oh, don't you
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  Speaker 2: trust me? We've been together for one and a half
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  Speaker 2: going on two years now. Do you seriously not trust me?
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  Speaker 2: And in that moment I felt guilt and I was like, no, like,
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  Speaker 2: of course I trust you.
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  Speaker 1: Like, of course I do.
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  Speaker 2: Like what partner does it make me if I don't
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  Speaker 2: trust my partner with something so intimate? And yeah, it
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  Speaker 2: was like that moment that I would just I didn't
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  Speaker 2: end up deleting it and it was going around for
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  Speaker 2: a year and a half to two years before I
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  Speaker 2: had actually found out about it.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, my gosh. It was circulating. So even if you
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  Speaker 1: wanted to get on top of it, it was like
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  Speaker 1: so many people have seen it anyway.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So did you ever speak to him after? Did he
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  Speaker 1: send it to like a boy's group chat or did
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  Speaker 1: he send it to one friend or did he send
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  Speaker 1: it to someone else? Like how did it get around?
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  Speaker 2: So I had this conversation with him and he denied anything.
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  Speaker 1: Denied it?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I would never do that to you.
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  Speaker 1: So how did they get it then? What was the excuse?
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  Speaker 2: So what apparently was the case was the computer that
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  Speaker 2: we filmed it on was a friend, like he lived
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  Speaker 2: in a house.
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  Speaker 1: Full of guys.
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  Speaker 2: There was like three roommates or something like that and
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  Speaker 2: apparently it was one of the roommate's computer and apparently
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  Speaker 2: it was the friend who actually did it and not him.
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  Speaker 1: But I just. Do you believe it? No, I don't.
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  Speaker 2: I don't because I actually had confirmation from another friend
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  Speaker 2: of mine who was a good friend of his. who
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  Speaker 2: had openly said, we've sat around on a Friday night
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  Speaker 2: having drinks, like watching it. And then it just went
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  Speaker 2: like fucking wildfire around my whole town. And I was
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  Speaker 2: just like, there is no life for me here.
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  Speaker 1: And did you have a job back then? And did
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  Speaker 1: this impact your work?
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  Speaker 2: The way that I found out was that I entered
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  Speaker 2: the competition Miss World Australia. And I had a lot
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  Speaker 2: of like news press go out around like going in
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  Speaker 2: that competition. And so I was getting like media things
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  Speaker 2: happening and you know, interviews and going on TV and
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  Speaker 2: stuff like that. And then it started to circle.
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  Speaker 1: So take me back to the night you were with
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  Speaker 1: your friend. You obviously wanted to hide. I'm guessing you're crying,
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  Speaker 1: you're emotional. What's your next step? Do you call your
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  Speaker 1: mom and dad that night? Do you wait till the
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  Speaker 1: next day? What happened after that?
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  Speaker 2: That night, my friend left and I ended up just
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  Speaker 2: like crying. Like I sat in the shower and I
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  Speaker 2: was just like, how am I going to overcome this? Like,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't have the tools. I don't
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  Speaker 2: have the resources. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know
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  Speaker 2: what to do in this moment. And I just was like,
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  Speaker 2: there's got to be a way to stop it. And
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  Speaker 2: I just ended up going to my parents.
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  Speaker 1: That night? That night.
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  Speaker 2: And I told them what had happened and they were
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  Speaker 2: so good with me about it.
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  Speaker 1: What did you say to your dad? Like, did he
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  Speaker 1: freak out? Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Said just what had happened what Laura had told me
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  Speaker 2: about a video and I had made a video like
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  Speaker 2: about being intimate and yeah they were both really good
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  Speaker 2: they were like okay what we'll do we'll go to
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  Speaker 2: the police like we'll put in a statement we'll see
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  Speaker 2: if we can get the technology taken away and get
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  Speaker 2: it wiped and all that sort of stuff so like
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  Speaker 2: they didn't judge or shame or anything like that they
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  Speaker 2: felt it you know but I just like was so
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  Speaker 2: terrified because I knew that that would what other people
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  Speaker 2: would think of them and what other people would think
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  Speaker 2: of my siblings and like how that would you know
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  Speaker 2: tarnish their reputation and things like that it was the
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  Speaker 2: flow on effect and a couple of the boys technology
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  Speaker 2: got taken and apparently they didn't find anything and then
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  Speaker 2: it just got like thrown out after.
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  Speaker 1: That your parents went to the police you went with
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  Speaker 1: them I went with them gave your statement I wrote
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  Speaker 1: a statement they then went to the boys that were
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  Speaker 1: showing the video yep They got their phones, their computers
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  Speaker 1: and didn't find it.
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  Speaker 2: Yep, all of their technology and like couldn't find a
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  Speaker 2: copy of it on there.
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  Speaker 1: That doesn't make sense because they were showing it to people.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Did they know the police were coming to them so
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  Speaker 1: they just deleted it while they could?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know what happened but they
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  Speaker 2: only pulled up like I think two boys and, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that was kind of it. And basically they just said
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  Speaker 2: to me like, look, 17 doesn't class as child pornography.
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  Speaker 2: So under 16, so there's nothing that we can do.
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  Speaker 2: And it was just, no, I remember thinking to myself,
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  Speaker 2: like I can either run and I can hide from
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  Speaker 2: this or I can face this and I can like
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  Speaker 2: stand true to like who I know myself to be.
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  Speaker 2: And I just was like, the one promise that I
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  Speaker 2: made to myself is like, I'm not going to hide.
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  Speaker 2: And so I kept going to the gym. I kept
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  Speaker 2: walking every day. I And I just kept doing my
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  Speaker 2: thing because it was the one thing that kept me
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  Speaker 2: feeling like my life was normal.
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  Speaker 1: Yes.
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  Speaker 2: You know? And even though I knew people looking at me,
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: making jokes, sending me messages on fake accounts, trying to
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  Speaker 2: warn me about it, sending me copies of it, like
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: to be like, is this you? And yeah, it was
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: like from that moment that I really learned to lean
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: on myself, you know?
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  Speaker 1: Have your own back.
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  Speaker 2: Like I had my family and stuff like that, but
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  Speaker 2: like no one could relate to what I was going through.
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  Speaker 2: and know how it would feel in that moment to
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: be so isolated to be so publicly humiliated and judged
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  Speaker 2: by like a whole town who you know making assumptions
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  Speaker 2: about who you are as a person or that you're
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  Speaker 2: a slut or that you're you know you're this and
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: you're that oh yeah just making up stories about me
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: and it just was I was like I only really
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: have myself now you know.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Did you have any suicidal thoughts when you were going
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: through this process
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  Speaker 2: In the very beginning, yes, because I was like, I
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: didn't know how to overcome it.