Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The Letter to Your Ex You REALLY Want To Write

Transcript

The Letter to Your Ex You REALLY Want To Write · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the first episode of Reflect Reclaim and Liberate for 2026.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back if you are a regular listener.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for tuning in, and if this is your first ever episode, a special warm welcome to you.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: This week's episode is a letter to my ex, The Unsent Truth.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the story of a client who worked with me through the tail end of her divorce and reimagining reclaiming life afterwards in 2023.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she got in December, she got a Merry Christmas, sort of Happy New Year message from her ex, and it prompted me to think about things.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And while this is a fictionalized version, so hopefully, no ex actually recognises themselves 100% in it, it's a combined story of what I hear from so many of my clients, and a truth that I hear echoed in so many of their stories that sound, if not exactly, quite a lot like this one.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I know there are always many versions of the one story, multiple truths can coexist.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's your version, there's my version, there'll be an overlapping our version of the story, and so many of these are the stories that I hear and hold for others every day of my work.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And this client reached out to me for a coaching session when the message landed because even though she felt in a really good place, she'd done a lot of healing work, the message tipped her, it activated her, and she found it really destabilizing.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So we had a session, we worked through some of that stuff, some of the reasons that you might feel like even if you've done all the work, you can feel tipped off center when you come into contact with your ex either in a message or face-to-face in real life.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So one part of the work we did together was workshopped her message response.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a fictionalized version that I'm going to read for you now.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not what she sent, in fact, did she send it?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's, as I said, a fictionalized version so nobody can recognise themselves in it, either client or ex.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is the letter, a letter to an ex.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dear you, thanks for your message.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad that you can look back on our time together with fondness because yes, there were some beautiful times.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: When your Merry Christmas message landed, it cracked open a door I didn't even realise was still there.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I want us back, not because it changed anything, but because it reminded me how many versions of this story exist.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Ours, mine, yours, and probably a number of others.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I loved you really, really hard in a time and space where you simply weren't able to see it, recognise it, or fully appreciate it.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fully receive it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You weren't capable, or maybe you just didn't have the capacity to receive it or to reciprocate in ways I wanted and needed you to.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't have the capacity to meet me in the middle and build the relationship I most wanted with you.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess I got sucked in and held in by the potential of us, what I instinctively knew we could be, if only.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I understand now that I fell for and clung on to the potential of us, the idea of what we could become.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't fall for who we were, I didn't fall for the reality of us.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was invested in the version of us I could feel in my bones, the potential, the one that made me think and say to you on about date number three, this could be something extraordinary.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: But that version needed both of us to be able to fully show up for it and do the work to co-create it.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I know, I knew even then, that you can't love someone into the work they're not choosing.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can't love someone into being ready if they're just not quite there.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can't even will yourself into being ready if you're not there yet, if you haven't healed your own heart.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't keep hoping for one day when right now your lived reality keeps telling you the truth.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Belief in our potential made me stay longer than the reality and the evidence deserved.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I stayed because of potential and because of the sunk cost tangled up in it, the time, the energy, the hope I'd already poured into us.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Walking away felt hard.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like admitting I'd put years into a version of life that wasn't holding me, wasn't meeting me, and in the end, wasn't giving much back.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And hoping in someone's potential always comes with conditions.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: If only, if only you were further along on your healing path after your own pretty torrid divorce.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: If only you weren't still so angry at the world, at the system, at women, at love itself.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: If only you'd done the work instead of running from it.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't know how or it didn't feel safe for you to be truly vulnerable and stay in relationships, stay connected when it became hard.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: If only there it is again, if only you could see what I eventually saw so clearly, that you were stuck in avoidance, armoured in self-protection, and showing up as a frightened little boy inside a grown man's body.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your four-year-old inner child saying, Too close, too dangerous, don't need anyone, don't trust anyone.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the real tragedy is this: you didn't know how to care for your person, me, because you never learned to care for yourself, that four-year-old inner child.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You wanted me to mother the parts of you that scared you the most.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: The small boy who didn't know how to offer softness without feeling swallowed, how to care for another without needing something back immediately, how to nurture without being nudged, how to hold space without feeling like you were failing, how to stay present and connected when it felt too much.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that little boy, he didn't want a lover, a partner, an equal.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted someone to parent the parts he didn't know how to hold himself.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so for a while I tried to be all of that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: I became the warm place you could retreat to because you didn't know how to care for your person, not really, not in practice, not in the everyday infrastructure of love.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't feel safe for you to be truly vulnerable and stay when it got hard.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't feel safe for you to invite someone into your world without feeling exposed, to tend to a partner without feeling indebted, to care for me without needing to be needed, and to nurture without fearing you might fail or get it wrong.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I did it.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I wanted control, but truthfully, maybe there's a part of that in it too.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: But mostly I did it because nourishment, caring, tending, that's how I loved.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And while it's never just one that makes or breaks a relationship, there were also key factors, key events, crash points that did lasting harm.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Some acknowledged and clumsy repair attempted, even made between us, some not.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Some never mentioned, never spoken of at all.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility never taken, ownership abdicated.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: There is a part of me that would love to see you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Have a chat over coffee or even a glass of wine or two, like on our first ever date when we talked for hours.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Part of me would love to hear your voice, catch up on your news, lean in for a hug, be held by you and feel the solid physicality of you.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Be held for a heartbeat in uncomplicated warmth and loved.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I do want you to know that the tender part is still there.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: That version of us, of what we were, still lives, buried deep and quiet now, but real and still there.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying this to hurt you or crack open old wounds, I'm saying it because it goes some of the way to explain how and why we imploded.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: There was hard and there was also joy.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so if 2025 or 2026 has or does bring you a new relationship, treat her tenderly.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Hold the relationship reverently.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Love her, but know that love is a verb.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: It requires doing.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So treat her tenderly, love her well, look after her.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Know what she likes, what she doesn't.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be scared to ask her what she likes, and remember the answers.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Support her.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Want her success as much as you want your own.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Cheer her on, catch her when she falls.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let her know not by words but by your actions that she can trust you.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Trust you to catch her, trust you to be true to your word, trust you to do what you say you will do.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Trust you to be there for her.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Ease her load when she's struggling and overloaded, even when she's not.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Make things a little bit easier for her.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do the thing without being asked and without needing her to praise you for it.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Parent yourself, heal yourself, do your own work so you can meet her equally in the relationship.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Remember dates, remember times, remember the milk.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's about mental load, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: That invisible work.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Make her laugh, clean the toilet, tell her every single day she is beautiful and you love her and how much she means to you, but don't just tell her.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Show her.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Consciously choose to make her life every single day just a little bit easier, just a little bit happier.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Make that your mission and do it really, really well.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Love her well and prove it.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Show her in meaningful connection in action.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Parent yourself, heal yourself, carry your own inner child so she never has to hold him like a second job.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Show her you mean it by the way you love her through the ordinary, in the tiny, uncelebrated, unrecognised even moments of doing.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's where love lives and where it dies from me.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so this client, when she first shared this letter with me, I acknowledged her, her vulnerability in writing it, and then as a coach, did what I do and asked a couple of questions.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So firstly, I asked which version of her wrote the letter, and secondly, I asked what, if anything, was left unspoken?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Were there parts of the story she had not addressed?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course, having coached her through her divorce and some of her healing afterwards, I knew I had deeper insight than perhaps you have from hearing the content of that letter.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so her answer to the first question, after a hesitation, who wrote which version of her wrote the letter?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: She said, the good girl, the nice version of me wrote that letter.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And what was left unspoken?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Again, she hesitated, and then she actually launched.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she launched and said he really fucked it up, that he really messed up and he couldn't hold space for me or a relationship.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still pretty sad and mad and let down by that.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I became a version of myself in the relationship that I didn't like, but that was in response to his inability to show up, to do what he said he would do, to be accountable, to care and tend for me, to stay present rather than retreat behind a story that he's an introvert and needs solitude, when in reality, we both know he was stuck in pain and avoidance and so very angry about his divorce with women and the world that he just didn't have capacity, and so he fucked it up.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: That was her response to what was left unsaid.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so I asked her if she would like to go back and edit and to include the truth of her experience and her feelings about the relationship and the ending of the relationship, which she did.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it goes something like this.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: If only.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And really the if only was, if only you were further along on your divorce healing pathway, if only you weren't so angry about your divorce, if only you'd done the fucking work, if only you could see, like I could see, plain as fucking day, that you were stuck in an avoidant attachment pattern.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how much, how gently I approached, there were times you'd retreat, angry, defensive, bitter, and shut down.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You couldn't let me too close because it felt terrifying.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: If only you could recognise that part of you that showed up in the relationship as a frightened four-year-old boy.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: The part of you wanted me to do everything, to fix everything.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: That part of you who wanted me to be the mother to that inner child.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And still, even with all of that chaos and fear and anger, it's never just one person who holds a relationship together.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's never just one that makes or breaks a relationship.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And in ours, there were also key events that did deepen lasting harm.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some acknowledged, repair attempted, even main between us, some not, others never mentioned or spoken of at all.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility never taken by you.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they were.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You also know that many of them were yours to own, and you wouldn't, couldn't, didn't, still haven't, even though I've raised the biggest, hardest, most painful and damaging ones with you and invited you to work through them together.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can't or won't, or both.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And still, there's a part of me, the wounded, not quite healed, stubbornly optimistic, ever hopeful part of me, perhaps, that would love to see you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Have a chat over coffee, have a glass of wine, like we did on our first date when we talked for ages.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Part of me longs to hear your voice, lean in for a hug, feel the solid physicality of you, and be held just for a moment.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And more.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there's part of me that aches for the more because that was one of the things that was so very good about us.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to know that the tender part is still there.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: What we were at our best, what we could have been if you hadn't fucked it up, is still there, buried deeply, but still there.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So what I really want to say here is I want you to know, appreciate, understand, and accept the parts that you fucked up.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was you who destroyed what we could have been.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want you to know that, to feel the impact and the weight of that in your bones, to say it out loud, to own it.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: The hope, the trust, the love before you let it down, betrayed and bruised it one too many times.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: You messed up.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: And even even though I know you won't, because you've shown me time and time again that you just can't own your shit, apologize, repair and make good, it's a big part of the reason we are no longer together.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear you acknowledge that you think you fucked things up and apologise.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's a vain hope.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: There was hard and there was also joy, but in the end, the hard won.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I gave and you received until I was depleted, became resentful, and turned into a version of myself that wasn't nice and I didn't like.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Neither of us did, and I couldn't find a way back from her without abandoning myself.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: The push-pull, retreat, self-protect of your avoidant attachment was also part of our pattern.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: It did damage.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I understood what was happening and tried to honour the space you needed, it still did damage.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know, in some small part, your message was about checking to see if that door was still open.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I miss the good parts.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've grieved what I hoped we would and believed we could become.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: We can't rewind, I can't go back, but just know I miss the good parts.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you well.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I have permission from her.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I should have said at the top of the call, um, top of the episode, I have permission from her to read parts of that.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, it's fictionalized and anonymized.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: But this is an invitation to you, if you feel it might be useful, to write your own version of the letter to your ex or your soon-to-be ex, even to an earlier version of yourself.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: There are many ways this can be used to get what you really, really want and need to say out of your head.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can also write a thank you letter to your ex because everything, every relationship that we experience that we live through teaches us something, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's a thank you for overstepping my boundaries so much and so often that I now know exactly how that feels in my body, and I'm doing the work to ensure I can hold healthier boundaries in the future.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or thank you for trying to shape and define my thoughts for me.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now I listen fully to my own knowing, my inner voice, my intuition.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could be even more positive than that.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for what our relationship taught me about myself, about love, about what I truly want.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: These are actually the coaching strategies that I use with my one-to-one clients.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the letters are sent, sometimes they're simply a way of getting it all out.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some clients destroy them after they're written, and I do love a right and ritualistic burn, but most find it cleansing and cathartic and helpful to get this stuff out, and not just the nice version of the letter, the version that unleashes all of the stuff that brings it all to the surface.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a way of giving yourself full permission to say all the things, and you don't have to send it.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope this has been helpful in shining a light on some of the stories that I hear on the on almost on repeat, and also as a process that you can use to move through your own stuff, whether it's still in relationship, in the messy middle of the divorce, or afterwards and healing.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who might benefit from listening to it, please, please share it with them.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.