Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 45: Applying Monastic Discipline to Daily Recovery

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45: Applying Monastic Discipline to Daily Recovery · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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Have you ever had one of those days where everything just fell
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off to you? Like you're scattered, you're
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reactive, you're disconnected, and then you realize I'm kind of
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off my routine. I'm off of what I have set for
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myself. So in today's episode, we're
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going to dive into why daily rituals and those are the some
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of the secret weapons for stability like that self-care
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and that recovery. So whether you're in the deep
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work of healing or whether you're building new habits, do
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you have very in the beginning, We're going to talk about the
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intention behind that. And then we'll just give you
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some possible things that you can feel free to steal it
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shamelessly. That's what we're going to talk
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about today. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
0:41
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
0:43
I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
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What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
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triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
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Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
0:54
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
0:57
commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
1:00
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
1:02
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
1:05
What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
1:08
You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
1:11
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
1:14
Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
1:17
immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
1:19
Let's get started. All right, so before we get into
1:23
some practical solutions, just want to say thank you to Darren.
1:27
He's showed up today. He took my invitation to join me
1:30
for this. And this is the reason why I
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wanted Darren to be a part of this conversation.
1:33
He's a peer mentor with Choose Recovery Services and he's
1:36
worked his own journey and so much respect for how he's gone
1:39
about that, just like me, both very imperfect, but also
1:43
fighting really hard to make sure that we stay as healthy as
1:47
we possibly can. And one of the many things that
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I've loved watching Darren talk to other men about is he's done
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some mentoring and supporting other men's.
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He talks about coming back to what does recovery actually look
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like? So we're going to talk about
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some of the practical sides of of recovery when it comes to the
2:05
daily rituals. And rituals is kind of an
2:08
interesting word because when you take back a tech, when you
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take a step back and you look at something, you go, oh, I have
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rituals in my life, whether I noticed them or not, there are
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processes that I've set up for myself where I just go through
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life. And those rituals for somebody
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like me with compulsive behavior is something that I don't
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recognize that exists to get me to a place I don't want to be.
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But anyway, Darren, it's good to have you back.
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Do anything you want to say for yourself.
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Is that for those of you who don't know you?
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Hey, I'm glad to be here and I'm looking forward to to the
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discussion today. Yeah, totally.
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So let's talk a little bit about this part of this word that I
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didn't hear until probably like 6-7 months ago.
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And it was another guy and Darren that introduced me to the
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word. It's called monastic discipline.
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So monastic discipline and how does it have anything to do with
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recovery? Let's talk about the fact that
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for centuries you've had monks across different traditions,
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whether it's Christian or Buddhism or other spiritual
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paths that have lived in like a structured rhythm, structured
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rhythm and daily practices. So they wake up at the same
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time, they engage in meditation or prayer, they do a lot of
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meaningful work, they practice self reflection and they live
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very intentionally in their community.
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So we're not getting into some religious devotion today, but
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it's about creating a life aligned with our values that's
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more consistent. And Dave definitely have daily
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discipline when it comes to rituals today, like the
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comparison of rituals that exist with like sex addiction,
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compulsive behavior versus like healthy rituals.
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Because we're going to talk all we're talking a lot about
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rituals today, but we have one set of rituals, the one that
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already exists that are around sexual compulsive behavior or
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this healthy ritual which we're talking about today.
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So like to define rituals like it's when it comes to sex
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addiction, it's like repetitive, predictable behaviors like
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escalate towards like this acting outside sexually.
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We're going to talk about healthy rituals like that
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intentional structured behavior that provides emotional
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stability. So it's proactive versus
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reactive. And one of the things to know
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about rituals is there for men that are in recovery that it's,
4:44
it's extremely intentional. They understand the purpose for
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it. They understand like there are
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things that I have to do to fill that space in that void that my
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compulsive behavior leaves. And I'm very intentional with
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what I set up. If you think about the triggers
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that exist which cause compulsive behavior, stress,
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loneliness, boredom, anger, those types of things, often the
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the rituals that we have are going to proactively help us
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fill in some of those spaces. So we we have some examples of
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regular through today. Darren, when you think about
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self-care having to do with recovery, what comes to your
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mind from your journey or watching other men?
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But it's interesting how the definition of self-care has has
5:33
evolved over time. But then myself, Bree Recovery
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self-care was eating a pro bar and going for a run.
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That was the extent of self-care.
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Am I basically meeting the very basic needs 3040% of the time?
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And that's what I've seen is within myself is it's taken on
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much more of a, a holistic view of what is the quality of not
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only my physical body, but my spiritual body and my life in
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general. And what are all those things
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that I can do? What are the inputs and the
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variables that I can tweak that are going to overall improve
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everything across the whole spectrum of things going on in
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my life, right? I think if you kind of abstract
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us a bit, right? We are, we are humans.
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And if you obstruct that even more, humans are animals, right?
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We're social animals. We have the ability to cultivate
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consciousness and use that in interesting ways.
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But we're still animals, Animals and living, breathing organisms.
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There is a periodicity, there is a pattern to their life.
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There are seasons and cycles and in my experience, I've, I've,
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I've witnessed and caused a lot of disruption and dysfunction in
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my life when I consciously or unconsciously do things to
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either deny or maybe inhibit the progression or the natural flow
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of those cycles. So let me give you an example.
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Throughout the day, the hormones and the chemicals in your body
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change, whether it's cortisol or serotonin or dopamine or
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oxytocin or all of these things, they're going up and down based
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on the inputs around us, right? What we're eating, movement,
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sunlight, all of those sorts of things.
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And so there is a periodicity to, to these hormones and these
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chemicals in our brain and that creates responses in our body,
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right? And I can flow with it and I can
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feed that. And the effect of that is my
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body thrives. The cycles of my body sleeping
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and waking and metabolism are all functioning normally, or I
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can do things that kind of monkey wrench that a bit and
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then that thing start to break down over time.
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Whether I'm starting to have physiological symptoms of that
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dysfunction or cognitive or behavioral or relational
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dysfunctions, those creep in when I'm introducing things that
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are disrupting the natural flow. OK.
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There's also another component to that where as, as organisms
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that are not only alive and functioning, you, you, you know,
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somewhat autonomously and in, in our, in, in the systems that we
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live in, but we also have this consciousness, right?
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And the consciousness, however you define it, is a need in its
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sort of root sense, is a need and a connection to a, a
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connection to something beyond us, outside of us to take our
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own daily existence and to connect that with with the
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existence of something larger outside of ourselves.
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And it's been really interesting to to work with other men and to
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work within myself in this recovery journey to understand
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what that actually means. Right.
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Where am I? I am stringing my own ability to
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evolve and progress and grow and where am I nourishing that?
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And I think it's a there's, there's, there's some pretty
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common patterns. Yeah, I love that you say all
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animals begin with and there's. How did you phrase that?
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We have patterns and we have processes that we use whether we
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know them or what did you say there?
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And the periodicity, yeah. Yeah, when it comes to daily
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rituals, one of the things I think about is this book called
9:54
Atomic Habits, and James Clear wrote it.
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He said in this book he says you don't rise to the level of your
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goals, you fell to the level of your systems.
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So I think about me trying to get sober or whatever it might
10:06
be, I guess so frustrated with myself that like, am I just do I
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just lack like a bunch of willpower?
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I'm not just be it. But I was so confused by it,
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'cause I'm like still successful in my career.
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There's other things I've been able to accomplish.
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So why can't I get sober? And I think about this from the
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perspective of what James Clear said in that book is my goal was
10:28
to get sober. And it's not that I'm
10:31
something's wrong with me. It's that I fell to the level of
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my systems, which what supports my sobriety.
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And I think about that from a daily ritual standpoint.
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I think about, I put a lot of things in my life that would
10:44
just feel dopamine and I was oversaturated with dopamine, but
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really it was about what I would need intentionally, a repeated
10:53
action that created that structure that would support my
10:56
overwhelm being so I don't fall back in that addictive type
11:00
tendency. And one of the things I've
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noticed, Darren, if you can speak to this in your own
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experience, but it's not about that perfection piece.
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It's consistency like over that like intensity piece like it's
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that long lasting change. Do you have any thoughts on like
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that, not the perfection piece, but the more of the consistency
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piece when it comes to that support of the well-being?
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Oh yeah, totally the the best analogy.
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I mean, the running for me is analogous and, and connected to
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so many parts of my life and takes on great meaning.
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Think of if you were training for a marathon or an ultra
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marathon, right? And that's really drawn to the
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longer stuff. And when you're training for
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something like that, let's say you want to run Boston and you
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haven't run in years. You're not going to walk out of
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the door and suddenly do 26.2. Maybe you stress, maybe you do a
11:56
couple of laps of your neighborhood just walking.
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So your joints and your muscles are like, hey, we're waking up
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again. Maybe you have to do that for a
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bit. But there, there is a, a pattern
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and a plan and how you approach that goal.
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And so, you know, you, you, you go through your week and you,
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you start breaking down mileage charts and pacing charts
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depending on what you're on, what your goal time happens to
12:23
look like, and you start cranking through the miles and
12:28
the hours on your feet. Now a good plan also has
12:34
flexibility built into it because we're also, we have
12:40
families and jobs and, and things come up and sometimes we
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get sick. And so it's not that perfection
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in terms of following that plan, but it's the consistency over
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time that conditions your body, conditions your muscles and your
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joints and your brain and your heart, your brain, I think more
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than anything. How do you measure consistency
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compared to perfectionism? Like how consistent do I need to
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be? But not worry not focusing on
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perfectionism. Do you have any?
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Do you have any thoughts on that?
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Perfection is you don't miss, right?
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There's you don't ever miss a day, you don't ever fall short
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of your goals and there's no losses.
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But I think that's, I think that's misleading because the
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body doesn't care and doesn't really notice if you're perfect
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versus if you're consistent, right?
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It's consistent, sustained effort over time that introduces
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the change in into your body and into your mind really.
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And so just a lot of that is just getting into the pattern of
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it. And patterns don't have to be
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perfect, but they need to be consistent enough for there to
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be a recognized cadence to it. Meaning whatever that looks
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like, if I'm running Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and a long
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one on Saturday or Sunday, that's enough.
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The body will respond, My mind will respond in similar ways
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than if I'm doing it seven days a week.
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And in fact, seven days a week may actually not be the right
14:15
thing for me, right? Because you're not creating that
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space to where you can actually kind of your body can
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contextualize those changes that are happening inside and recover
14:25
in a sense and rebuild. I like.
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I like. That a lot.
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We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
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I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
14:33
Choose Recovery Services. I'm very excited to tell you
14:37
about the unmasked intensive we have coming up in May.
14:41
It's May 13th through the 16th in Spanish Fork, UT.
14:44
The name of the intensive is unmasked past to authentic
14:48
masculinity. Let me tell you some of the
14:50
things we're going to accomplish.
14:51
We're going to explore some root causes like at the end of the
14:54
day, what's underneath this behavior?
14:56
What's the why behind it? What's the insights into
14:59
understanding why my behavior existed, The one that kept me in
15:03
secrecy and hiding? We're going to embrace
15:05
vulnerability so we're confront a lot of the struggles of that
15:09
non judge mental space so you can foster more authentic
15:14
connections with the people that you love.
15:15
We're going to realign with your values.
15:18
We're going to learn new coping strategies and we're going to
15:21
afford some authentic connection.
15:23
We're going to build a lot of camaraderie to hear that
15:24
happens. I wanted to share with you what
15:27
previous participants have said about this transformation.
15:31
So here's what one guy said. I'm just going to read it to
15:33
you. I love the connection with those
15:35
around me. It was eye opening to learn how
15:37
to open up and show love for myself and be OK with what's
15:41
going on inside of me no matter how hard or ugly I may see it.
15:47
I specifically remember this man saying this and just being
15:51
astounded by like wow from around people that really open
15:53
up. What can I explore and learn
15:55
about myself is intensive. He found it be really eye
15:58
opening. So anyway, For more information
16:00
and reserve your spot, go and visit our website and we'll
16:04
provide some information for you and then take the time to invest
16:08
in yourself so you can start to lean in in a more authentic way
16:12
in your life. Looking forward to seeing you
16:14
there. Let's get back to our episode.
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The other thing with perfection is it's a farce, like it doesn't
16:21
exist and yet we want it, but it's not there.
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And so rather than punching yourself in the face because
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something that is unattainable is unattainable, let's just
16:36
accept it like there, there is no perfection.
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There never will be in this existence.
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And the reality is that consistency is the best that we
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can do, right? And.
16:51
What if I don't know how to measure the difference between
16:53
perfectionism consistency? Because let's say my brain is
16:57
like really wired towards OK, but what's enough?
17:00
Like, OK, I get it, Darren, I don't want to be perfect, but
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what's consistent then if I'm really tied to that light, that
17:07
number or something that that's something I picture people
17:11
listens, podcast and go, OK, if I need daily rituals, if I need
17:15
my morning routine, if I need my recovery check insurance, if I
17:17
need myself care rituals, OK is a 75% of the time, 80% of the
17:22
time. Like what is consistent?
17:24
What would you say to that person?
17:26
Just like wanting to over analyze it.
17:29
So I would say slow down and breathe.
17:34
OK, wait. Me on the podcast right now or
17:38
that person? Just that person, yeah.
17:41
No, you're doing great, man. You got a good pace with your
17:46
training for a marathon or you're in your own recovery
17:49
journey. We're talking about changing
17:53
patterns that have been established for years or
17:56
decades, in my case, decades of life, many, many decades.
18:02
And things don't change that are that deep, that quickly, right.
18:09
And so there's, there's sort of dramatic steps that we can take.
18:14
And then there's also gentle and real steps that we can take.
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Perfectionism is a particularly pernicious way of being.
18:22
And, and there's so much self hatred and criticism underneath
18:26
that. So the reason I say slow down
18:28
and breathe is because the messaging of perfectionism is
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you're not doing it right, you're not enough.
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You won't be. Enough until you do it perfectly
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right. When you slow down and you
18:42
breathe, you're OK in that moment, even though you're not
18:47
perfect, if you can find your breath.
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You're actually saying, hold on. If you're really focused on
18:52
perfectionism like that number, slow down and notice what you're
18:55
experiencing. You're actually wanting a person
18:57
to do that and to notice what why are.
19:00
Go a little deeper into why you're having that person
19:03
breathe. OK, so let's say you have
19:07
perfectionism and it is just white hot pissed inside of you,
19:10
right? That's not your thing, but let's
19:13
just walk with it, OK? You say it's not my thing
19:16
because I don't know. I don't feel like I'm not far
19:17
off. No, that's not your Jim.
19:21
At least I don't see it. So let's say that's your thing,
19:24
right? If I say to you, Luke, it
19:26
doesn't exist, just stop. Just stop.
19:28
I can hear Carolyn Mace's voice in the back of my head.
19:31
Just stop. Just stop.
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Don't do it, Just stop. But it's not that simple.
19:35
That willpower is always going to fail you, right?
19:39
Because there's stories behind that.
19:42
There's beliefs about yourself. There's beliefs about others and
19:46
those are the things that are fueling that perfectionism.
19:49
So if I just say don't be perfectionist, you will fail,
19:53
right, Because you're not there. There is a cognitive
19:57
dysfunction. There is a, you know what,
19:59
whatever it is, it's like, you know, if you've got an infected
20:02
wound and you just put a Band-Aid on it, but you don't
20:04
disinfect it, it's going to get, it's going to get ugly.
20:08
And so the reason I say slow down and breathe.
20:13
Is because there has to be a space for you to be in the
20:17
presence of those stories and those emotions and those
20:21
sensations in your body to create a pause where you can
20:26
start to question them and get curious with it without
20:30
judgement. But to understand OK, what I'm
20:34
feeling, this sense of I have to do this perfectly, Then I can
20:40
hear these childhood stories come up.
20:42
And when I can start to narrate those stories and write them
20:46
down and understand those are the drivers behind this sense of
20:51
perfectionism, Then I can start to attend to those with a lot of
20:55
self compassion and sit next to and with and hold those parts of
21:03
me that are hurting so badly that that they're running
21:09
towards this mirage of perfectionism as a savior in my
21:13
life, Right. But when really what, what I
21:17
need and what we all need is to have this safe place within
21:21
ourselves first where we can come to those stories and come
21:24
to those emotions and those wounds and those challenges and
21:28
just be with them. They want to be heard, they want
21:30
to be held, they want to be understood.
21:33
And then when we start to cultivate that relationship with
21:36
those places, perfectionism and the need for that starts to fade
21:40
away. And consistency is enough,
21:42
because consistency produces results, but a lot more gently.
21:46
So let's. Talk about some examples of what
21:49
daily rituals look like. If I'm not perfect, get it?
21:53
It's about consistency over intensity.
21:55
Let's talk about what some of these things are.
21:58
Here's how Choose Recovery Services goes about a guy that's
22:01
newer into his journey or some of the compulsive behavior says,
22:05
all right, there are three pieces the pornography or sex
22:10
sexually compulsive behavior leave in your life, you're going
22:13
to fill with something new. So dopamine, which is that like
22:17
reward triggers that reward part of our brain that oh, that feels
22:20
good. Oh, I like that also known like
22:22
purpose. So you take something that
22:25
existed that was dopamine filled.
22:27
Now you put something healthy in its place.
22:29
So Darren, what type of activities have you seen people
22:33
put in their space that gives dopamine, but it's a healthy
22:38
level of dopamine compared to oversaturation of dopamine?
22:41
What did you notice there? Exercise is a good one.
22:45
And exercise can be anything that resonates with you, right?
22:49
Whether it's playing soccer or going on a walk or yoga or going
22:56
for a run, anything where you're moving your body, you're
22:59
engaging your muscles, you're feeling the resistance, you're
23:02
increasing your heart rate releases dopamine.
23:05
But let's be clear, there's lots and lots of ways that you can
23:07
get dope dopamine overeating, you get a huge dopamine hit,
23:12
right? And so mindfulness in how you're
23:15
getting it is really important because yeah, maybe I'm removing
23:21
the dopamine hits from sexually compulsive behavior, but there's
23:24
a lot of other ways where I could get it that may not be
23:27
healthy cross addiction. Which is just like unhealthy
23:30
eating, those things that are leave you depleted rather than
23:34
they'll back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:37
One thing that I struggled with when I had established, once I
23:41
had established sobriety around the sexuality piece was then
23:47
replacing that with other, you know, legal, ethical, but still
23:53
addictive behaviors like an excessive consumption of
23:56
caffeine. I'm getting a hit from that.
23:59
It feels good. But the impact of that is of
24:03
being numb, right? And in in that numbness that's
24:09
fertilizing those old fields of dissociating from my life
24:16
without intentionality, where it's really easy to coast.
24:19
And that's tiger territory. That's dangerous.
24:22
Oh so. Dangerous, one of the most
24:24
dangerous ones. And I knew this therapist that I
24:27
really, really respected and she worked with men and she made it
24:31
a requirement like, hey, I'm not going to work with you unless
24:33
you build in getting your heart rate up for 20 to 30 minutes
24:37
once a day, seven days a week. She's like, I won't, she's like,
24:39
I don't see men get sober recover unless they get their
24:43
heart rate up for 20 to 30 minutes a day.
24:46
And I, I didn't really know the why behind that, but that's that
24:49
piece of that's going to be a level of dopamine that is
24:54
instead of numbing you out, really wakes you back up.
24:57
And there was a lot of purpose behind it.
24:58
There was a lot of satisfaction. OK, let's go to let's go to
25:02
Oxytocin is the other one thing that choose recovery services
25:05
use to help build daily rituals in What have you noticed from
25:10
oxytocin Darren that men build into their lives their daily
25:14
routine. In a recovery context, oxytocin,
25:19
well even outside of recovery, oxytocin is that connection,
25:22
that bonding the relational one of several, but I would say the
25:26
big relational one where we feel like positive impact in our
25:33
sense of being from having connection with other people.
25:39
You're big on this. You're big on this.
25:41
A a big shift for me and for other men, especially men who
25:46
like myself, struggled for years with pornography, was replacing
25:52
online connection or perceived connection.
25:55
Because let's face it, engaging with porn online, that's an
25:58
oxytocin hit. You're connecting with these
26:01
unknowing, exploited individuals that that you're more engaging
26:05
with, replacing that that online connection with people in real
26:14
physical world, right? And those are going to be the
26:17
people that are around you, which is probably your family,
26:21
right? And so there's a
26:23
reprioritization in where you spend your time and how you
26:27
spend your time with other people and who those people are.
26:31
And suddenly the the equality of the the interactions with other
26:38
people starts to take on new meaning because your body really
26:43
recognizes the need and the importance of that.
26:46
Yeah, yeah. It's funny because you're always
26:49
staying in groups. It's not funny.
26:50
And I just love that word you're always talking about guys.
26:53
It's the stuff that happens between the meetings.
26:54
It's the connection one-on-one. It's those conversations.
26:57
That's the oxytose. It's that bonded, yeah, you can
27:01
bond with this computer screen. You can feel like you matter or
27:04
you're seeing or validated, and that actually isn't a really
27:08
real life experience. OK, So the third one when it
27:13
comes to dailies that we've introduced here at Choose is
27:17
serotonin, which is that ability to access rituals or build in
27:23
rituals that produce some type of peace, calm, connected the
27:28
self experience. So what did you notice there can
27:31
be helpful for guys mindfulness. Practices and sleep, probably
27:39
the two biggest ones. Serotonin is serotonin is
27:42
involved in that natural sleep wake cycles.
27:46
If I'm not getting enough, then obviously feel like crap inside
27:50
and that messes up the rest of the kind of suite of hormones
27:54
and things going on in my body. But the things that the man and
27:58
myself seem to respond the most favorably towards is having some
28:03
kind of mindfulness practice. It can look like a lot of
28:06
things. For some it's prayer, for others
28:09
it's meditation. Brothers is just sitting and
28:12
breathing. I have a very close friend who I
28:16
would say the lion's share of his, his serotonin, serotonin
28:20
producing activities that he does daily like this is part of
28:23
his daily non negotiables, is sitting in reflection and
28:28
journaling. Anything that slows that pace
28:31
down, that allows you to feel and have awareness to the things
28:37
that are going on inside of you anyways and going on outside of
28:41
you. But first here, what's the
28:44
texture of my breath? How does my heartbeat feel?
28:50
And I. Sense tension in my body, right?
28:53
Cultivating that awareness without judgement, just being
28:57
curious with it. That allows us to then start to
29:02
approach again without judgement those things that are going on
29:07
inside of us anyways. Or we can start to address them.
29:11
We can start to heal and we can start to work with them and we
29:15
can start to shift things more in in in a direction where we're
29:19
living with intentionality. Thank you for sharing that.
29:24
So much gold in there. I always wonder when people hear
29:27
this, they're going to be like, yeah, I know, or I don't know.
29:30
That sounds like it's doesn't really make a difference if I
29:34
introduce these three things into my life or these three
29:37
concepts and it's. Let's just talk about for a
29:41
second the why, why these daily rituals matter?
29:43
Why if I intentionally bring in dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin
29:48
in different types of ways, why they make a difference.
29:50
So I have seven of them here for you.
29:53
OK. And I'm just going to highlight
29:55
them quick because I figure if we give you the why, it can be
29:58
like, all right, if I'm not currently doing that, maybe I
30:02
can give this a little bit of space.
30:03
All right, so here are the ones. And Darren, feel free to jump in
30:07
on any of these or after I say I'm come back and you feel
30:10
really important that we should spend more time on 1st.
30:13
Why is they're going to provide a lot of stability and
30:15
structure. So what we didn't get when we
30:19
were younger probably was a lot of who I can count on.
30:24
So I had a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms to help me
30:28
survive through life. So now what we can do is I'm
30:30
intentionally provide that stability and structure for
30:32
myself. That's the first why The second
30:35
one is reinforces those small investments that create
30:41
consistency on who I'm going to become.
30:43
It's who I am, but who I become. It's how I become aware of who I
30:47
am. So that's that reinforcing of
30:50
self. The third reason is they help
30:52
regulate our emotions and reduce those triggers.
30:55
It's the difference between a day where I can actually win
30:58
against my values, even though it feels like a struggle, to
31:01
where, yeah, I just a loss of control.
31:05
The fourth piece, the wise is you were talking about earlier,
31:11
it builds that like self-awareness, my ability to be
31:14
able to stop and notice what's going on around me.
31:17
That mindfulness, which in turn which is the next one it's going
31:22
to build like why they it strengthens my identity and my
31:27
purpose like who am I? Let me become aware of the part
31:31
where I hate myself and I loathe myself because of my behavior.
31:35
Now I'm like more aware of who I am and there's a lot, there's an
31:39
increased amount of value from self and then the these daily
31:45
rituals increase that resilience, that long term
31:48
growth. Sometimes it's like, OK, how
31:51
long do I need to do this daily dose for?
31:53
How long? Like is it like you get in 90
31:55
days, right? And then I break a habit, I'm
31:57
free of porn and I just go on without life.
31:59
No, it's just build in like all of a sudden there's a desire for
32:03
it and there's like the anchor now that I didn't have before
32:06
and now I have a taste for it that I've acquired and it goes
32:11
on forever. So anyway, there's some lies for
32:13
you. Anything there, Darren you want
32:15
to spend more time on? Looking at the daily dose or
32:21
your daily pad, your your daily non negotiables, whatever you
32:23
want to call it. To me it kind of boils down to
32:27
this idea that you can't pour from an empty cup, right?
32:32
I can't expect to be able to show up for other people if I
32:37
don't first show up for myself and meet my own needs, right?
32:42
We're talking very basic needs around am I getting the right
32:45
fuel? Am I getting the right sleep?
32:48
Am I getting the right calm and peace and meaning in my life?
32:54
And doing so, as you said, with intentionality regularly.
32:58
Because what I'm doing then is I'm essentially insulating
33:01
myself and I'm strengthening myself.
33:03
So when I walk into my day, whatever I'm doing, whether I'm
33:07
it in in a career worker role or I'm with my family or with my
33:13
partner, stuff comes up and I'm creating a a grounded strength
33:20
that gives me a much better ability to then show up in in
33:26
the moment with strength and really with my heart.
33:31
It's interesting if you look at, I don't know that this is true.
33:34
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to have to look after
33:36
this. But this thought came to mind.
33:39
Looking back. And this is a maybe a silly
33:42
example, But if if you look back over the compulsive behavior and
33:49
the sensations or lack of sensations that were going on in
33:52
your body at the time that you were sort of leading up to that
33:55
and engaging and whatever that behavior was, it almost feels
33:59
like there was a fog, right? There's a numbness for sure.
34:03
But often times it's like you're just wandering and on autopilot
34:07
and you're not really aware of what's going on around you.
34:10
I think a lot, lot, a lot of people can relate to that.
34:14
And I wonder, I know that low serotonin levels, for example,
34:20
can create a sense of a lack of mental clarity and a fog in the
34:24
brain. And so if I'm deep in addiction
34:27
and I am sleeping like garbage and I'm eating like crap and my
34:33
serotonin is going to be way down and that is going to create
34:38
a fog. And I'm living in that fog,
34:40
right? And so if I'm trying to walk or
34:42
run out of that foggy field, then I'm going to want to do
34:48
everything that I can to disperse that fog.
34:52
And so that's where the serotonin comes in.
34:55
Eating those tryptophan rich foods is going to boost that.
34:58
All of my chicken and eggs and do the complex carbs and the
35:02
meditation and the stress reducing things and the
35:06
exercises are all going to boost my serotonin, which gives me
35:09
greater clarity, which means my decision making center and my
35:13
frontal cortex is going to be online, which means I'm acting
35:17
and being with intentionality, right?
35:21
And so you got to say, OK, what's the end goal?
35:25
And then walk back through kind of like there's a like a, a
35:28
chain of provenance to the beginning and say, OK, this is
35:32
where I want to be and this is where I am today.
35:34
What are the steps that I need to do to get there?
35:39
And I'm going to first start by fuelling all of those systems
35:43
that need to be fully online and functioning in a healthy,
35:47
productive way so I can get there.
35:52
I'm so glad. You tied that in.
35:54
I'm so glad you tied that in right there.
35:55
OK, so we're going to start to wrap out here.
35:58
And so here's your call to action.
36:00
All right, So if you're sitting here going like rituals,
36:02
dailies, we call them the daily dose, getting dopamine, oxydocin
36:06
and serotonin very proactively, very intentionally.
36:11
So your daily rituals, they don't need to be like, you don't
36:15
need to be. You don't need to be perfect
36:17
with them. Get focused a lot less on the
36:19
perfectionism piece, but the really the small actions and
36:24
what's one that you need to add. So take a look at this, see what
36:27
hits home for you. If you find yourself struggling
36:30
going, I don't know if mine's the right stuff, reach out.
36:32
Let's talk about it in a group setting or one-on-one.
36:35
We want to support you in that so track of progress, but not
36:39
for perfection purposes. And please be accountable.
36:43
Share what you've committed to with someone that supports you
36:47
and your growth. Don't do that alone.
36:49
But anyway, looking forward to the continuing the conversation.
36:51
Darren, thanks for hanging out today.
36:52
I really appreciate it. Any closing thoughts before we
36:54
wrap out here? Yeah.
36:56
Appreciate you, man. Yeah, appreciate.
36:58
You too. Hi, my name is Hallie Roderick
37:01
as Choose recovery services. And if you're a woman healing
37:05
from betrayal trauma and you find yourself feeling stuck or
37:09
experiencing overwhelming triggers, having a difficult
37:12
time trusting yourself or even thinking about trusting others
37:16
or having a hard time understanding what healthy
37:18
boundaries are, how to hold those.
37:21
I want to invite you to consider joining us at our upcoming
37:24
Courage to Thrive intensive held on April 23rd through 26th in
37:29
Spanish Fork, UT. These intensives are one of my
37:33
favorite things to be a part of because healing happens in
37:35
community. There's just something different
37:38
that happens when you're in person with other women who
37:41
maybe your stories aren't exactly the same, but there's a
37:44
mutual understanding and a safety that is created by being
37:48
in a common community. So if this sounds like something
37:52
that would be beneficial to you, please check the show notes,
37:55
reach out to our office to get more information, and come see
37:59
us in Utah on April 23rd through 26th.
38:02
We'd love to have you join us. One of the things I love and I'm
38:06
so passionate about is helping women get in their bodies
38:09
because betrayal trauma disconnects us from our bodies,
38:12
which is why it's easy to minimize and rationalize and
38:16
justify a lot of these behaviors that are harming us.
38:19
Your body holds on to so much of the trauma that you've
38:23
experienced, even if you've tried so hard in your mind to
38:27
let go of it. Because trauma isn't just a
38:30
memory, it is stored deep within you.
38:32
And that true healing means going beyond just talking about
38:36
it. Which is why I am so excited
38:39
about the up and coming Body Awakens brain spotting
38:43
intensive. There are a few spots left.
38:45
I would love to have you join me.
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It's small, it's intimate. Where you will experience deep
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body centered healing through brain spotting, powerful somatic
38:53
exercises and connection in a supportive community that sees
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you, that holds space for you, and that can help you reclaim
39:02
what was taken. This isn't just about healing,
39:04
it's about transformation. It's about reconnecting to your
39:07
body and releasing what no longer serves you and stepping
39:10
more into that empowered whole version of you.
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This is what I love helping my clients attain and doing it in a
39:18
very intensified way can be really powerful.
39:22
April 10th through 12th, Click the show notes for Brain
39:25
Spotting Intensive. But it's not just about brain
39:28
spotting. We're doing so many experiences
39:31
with the body to connect back to the body.
39:33
I cannot wait. Come join me.
39:36
Let's awaken your body and release the trauma and start
39:39
reclaiming safety and reclaiming you.
39:46
Hey, thanks for joining us today.
39:48
If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
39:51
with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
39:53
chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
39:57
what we can do is set up a quick conversation we need.
40:00
Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
40:03
unmask the authentic self.