Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 638: When An Avoidant Realizes They Lost You - What Happens Next?

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Episode 638: When An Avoidant Realizes They Lost You - What Happens Next? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
• 0:02
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:05
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex and your favorite
• 0:08
  ex back coach. So your ex is an avoidant, huh?
• 0:14
  I took a poll in the community tab on YouTube and apparently
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  80% of people who responded believe that their ex is an
• 0:21
  avoidant. Now, if you watch my channel,
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  you're obviously here because you want your ex back.
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  But as you know, avoidance are a little more difficult to deal
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  with than someone with a secure or an anxious attachment style
• 0:36
  if you're trying to get them back.
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  So if you've been a good little soldier and you stayed in no
• 0:41
  contact, what happens when they finally realize that you're
• 0:45
  actually gone? Well, you're about to find out.
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  But first I want to welcome back my good little soldiers and
• 0:52
  maybe a few of my bad little soldiers.
• 0:54
  Have you downloaded my apps, Silencio, To help you stay in?
• 0:57
  No Contact. The link is underneath every
• 0:59
  single video and podcast and if you too would like to join our
• 1:03
  no Contact army, it's easy. All you have to do is hit the
• 1:06
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:10
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:14
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:19
  So the title of this video is The Moment and avoidance
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  realizes they lost you. The keyword is lost.
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  You have to be lost before they can realize that they lost you,
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  right? And they can't realize that they
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  lost you if you are still around in any way, shape or form.
• 1:37
  That's why I'm so passionate about following my rules of no
• 1:41
  contact to AT so that there is no wiggle room for them to
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  believe that you are still there waiting for them.
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  And the sooner you get into no Contact, and the longer you stay
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  there, the quicker they will realize that they've lost you.
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  If you respond to bread crumbs or you break no contact and
• 2:00
  reach out, the road to getting an avoidant is going to be even
• 2:04
  longer. It's usually easier and faster
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  to get someone back who has either a secure or an anxious
• 2:12
  attachment style. So if your ex is an avoidant,
• 2:14
  it's even more important that you do things correctly after a
• 2:17
  breakup. If you want them back now with
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  an avoidance, there's always a tug of war between their
• 2:24
  feelings and their fears. They may have feelings for you,
• 2:28
  but if their fears are stronger than those feelings, they'll
• 2:32
  back away or break up with you. And after a breakup, avoidance
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  are very, very good at self soothing because that's what
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  they had to do in childhood. They're also good at distracting
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  themselves, tuning out flaw, finding reassurance, numbing out
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  with activities such as drinking, smoking, partying, all
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  that fun stuff to convince themselves that life is now
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  better. That's why they would rather be
• 3:01
  alone whenever they feel hurt or rejected, because they're used
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  to being alone. So hey, they put on an armor of
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  self protection that says that they don't really need you
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  anyway, and they're better off without you.
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  And all your flaws and avoidance are generally not anxious after
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  a breakup, at least not initially.
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  They also tell themselves that they can always get you back
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  until there is actually some concrete evidence that they
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  probably won't be able to get you back, such as you're dating
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  someone else or you stopped responding to their to their
• 3:31
  messages. And by the way, if you are
• 3:34
  finding this video helpful, if you could please hit the like
• 3:38
  button. It's free, it doesn't cost
• 3:40
  anything, and it will help the channel out.
• 3:42
  Thank you so much. OK, so after four to six weeks
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  of the self soothing and everything else I mentioned,
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  which by the way is called the deactivation period, the fears
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  are gone and they're left with the feelings or what remain of
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  the feelings. They'll start to miss you if you
• 4:00
  stayed no contact, especially if it was a long term relationship.
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  So as long as you haven't contacted them and left them
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  alone, they'll move into a six to sixteen week activation
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  period and that is when you will be most like they'll be most
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  likely to want to get back together.
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  And that is when they start to look at things from a more
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  objective point of view and they start to focus on the good
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  things instead of the bad. And this is where the faded
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  effect bias kicks in, which I talked about in my video 7
• 4:35
  Reasons Why the No Contact rule Works on Everyone and I'll put
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  the link in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  They'll wonder if they made a mistake and there was.
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  There's also going to be some self blame on their part.
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  And this is also when they start to think about what they miss
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  about you and they start to long for you.
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  Now they don't want to reach out, so they will do things to
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  try to get you to reach out. They'll try to provoke you to
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  break no contact. And this is where we see the
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  bread crumbing that so many people report.
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  And if that doesn't work, because you've joined my no
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  contact army and you know what to do, then they'll find an
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  excuse to contact you. But it will rarely be, And I
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  miss you Text, although it may be I miss the dog, I miss the
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  cat, I miss the snake, I miss the bird.
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  Or they may offer to help you with something that they know
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  you needed help with in the past.
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  Or they'll breadcrumb you by sending memes or photos,
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  especially if they're a dismissive avoidant.
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  OK, so that is what is going to happen when an avoidant finally
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  realizes that they lost you. But remember, you first have to
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  be lost. So if you're dating an avoidant,
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  don't think that you need to reach out.
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  If their interest level is high enough, they will at some point
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  reach out. It may take longer than you'd
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  like, especially if you're anxious, but they will contact
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  you if you leave them alone and and they go through all the
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  steps that I've mentioned And I actually have a short comment
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  here from someone who did get an avoidant back and here it is.
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  She says he's an avoidant. I did no contact for a while.
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  Fast forward. The change in him is scary.
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  I never would have guessed we'd be this deep into a
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  relationship. And him talking about marriage.
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  I was the one saying no not him. It won't work on him.
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  He's too cold. He doesn't care.
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  He doesn't love me that much. I did no contact to get my
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  sanity back and to move on. That no contact and him seeing
• 6:43
  that I'll leave him has changed him into a completely different
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  man. Good for you.
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  Congratulations. All right.
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  See what happens when you just leave an avoidant alone or
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  anybody, no matter what their attachment style is.
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  If you leave them alone, yes, you too may get a marriage
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  proposal. So now I want to hear from you.
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  What attachment style does your ex have?
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  And how long have you been in no contact?
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  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back, by the way, I should mention I too.
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  I'm an avoidant. I feel like I'm admitting to
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  something so it takes an avoidant to catch an avoidant to
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  get one back. So who who better to help you?
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  So I do coaching and you can contact me at theartoflove.net.
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  The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast
• 7:33
  and we will send you the rates. If you found this video helpful,
• 7:37
  please like, subscribe and share.
• 7:39
  If you're listening to this as a podcast, please rate and review.
• 7:42
  And finally, remember that love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.