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What to Do When You Realize You Don’t Know How to Grieve · Daily Devotions for Busy Lives

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  Speak: Jenny was 41 years old when her mom died, and she
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  figured she knew what grief was supposed to look like. She'd
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  seen it in the movies. People cry and fall apart for a while,
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  and then they slowly come back to life. But when it was her
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  turn, nothing came. She stood at the funeral dry-eyed, wondering
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  what was wrong with her. Back home, she kept busy. She
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  answered the cards and cleaned the house. She went back to work
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  on Monday, like she'd been told good people do. The truth was,
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  Jenny grew up in a home where nobody cried. When something sad
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  happened, you were told to be strong and keep moving. So now,
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  with the biggest loss of her life pressing down on her, she
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  didn't know how to grieve. Nobody had ever shown her. We'll
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  come back to what Jenny did about that, but first,
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  to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Leger. I'm not
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  an emotional person. Grief doesn't show up in me as tears,
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  at least not right away. And for a long time, I counted that as a
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  strength. Stoicism is pretty useful in the moment when you're
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  the one standing at the front of a funeral or spending a career
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  breaking the news to next of kin that their loved one has died.
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  What I've settled is that when the loss is big enough, I let
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  myself cry instead of not allowing myself to feel it. That
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  took me longer than it should have. Nobody has to teach you
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  how to hold it together. You pick that up on your own. If
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  you've lost somebody, you may have found out the same thing
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  Jenny You get to the first loss that matters and discover you
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  don't have a method for handling it. You know what you're feeling,
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  holding it and have no idea what to do with it. Plenty of grown
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  adults are in that spot. Nobody sat down and taught In the house
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  they grew up in, grief got moved past in a hurry or someone
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  handed them the line about being strong and that big boys and big
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  girls don't cry. Here's the thing about a rule you learn
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  that way. You don't remember learning it. You watch the
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  adults around you handle a death by getting back to work and you
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  finaled it away as just how it's done.
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  that line comes from the opening of the Sermon on the Mount where
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  Jesus lists the people he calls blessed. mourners made that list.
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  He isn't telling them to pull it all together and he isn't
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  standing there waiting for them to finish. Look at the word
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  behind "mourn". The Greek word he used is the strongest grief
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  word available to him. It's the word for mourning for the dead,
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  for wailing at a graveside. It's like we have not said it in
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  Matthew 5-4. God blesses those who mourn for they will be
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  comforted.
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  Look at the word behind "mourn". The Greek word he used is the
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  strongest grief word available to him. It's the word for
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  mourning for the dead, for wailing at a graveside. He could
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  have picked up something maybe less strong or a little milder,
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  but he didn't. Then notice what's missing: Jesus never
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  describes how to do it. He didn't give a menu, no timetable,
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  nothing about whether tears are required. The blessing lands on
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  the condition itself. You qualify by mourning, and that's
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  the whole requirement. Look at the back half of that verse too.
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  "They will be comforted." passive. And in a sentence like
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  this one, it means God is the one doing the comforting. So the
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  comfort isn't earned by grieving correctly, it's promised to the
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  person who grieves at all.
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  was already covered by this verse. So is whatever version of
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  it you've got. That leaves you with two things to do. But hear
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  this, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You could start
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  by saying their name out loud. Use it in front of other people
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  and keep telling stories about them past the point where it
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  feels awkward. "Grief that never gets spoken has nowhere to go."
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  Then tell God what you got. In the condition it's in. Whatever
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  it is. If what you have is numbness, bring him that.
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  Because he isn't grading how you submit yourself and how you're
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  grieving. It took Jenny months to figure out that there was
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  nothing wrong with her. She broken. She'd just never been
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  taught. One night the tears finally came and they scared her
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  because she didn't know you were allowed to fall apart. But she
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  let them come. She started talking about her mom out loud
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  and telling the old stories, telling the memories, the good
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  memories. And little by little, she brought the whole messy
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  thing to God who didn't ask her to be strong. Jesus said the
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  ones who mourn or blessed. And they're the ones who get
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  comforted. Jenny learned there isn't a right way to do this.
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  There's just letting yourself feel it and letting God meet you
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  there. Two things there stand out to me. Months went by before
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  Jenny understood there was nothing wrong with her. And when
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  the tears finally did come, they scared her because she'd never
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  watched anybody do this. That's what growing up without the cost
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  a person. The shows up right on time and you meet it with no
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  idea what's permitted. Here's today's challenge. Say the name
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  of the person you lost out loud today to somebody. Then tell
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  them one story about them. Then take whatever you've got to God
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  today or tonight and tell them how you're feeling. If the truth
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  is that you feel nothing, then just tell God ever telling them
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  how to grieve, which means you can come to him with whatever
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  version you have. And if the tears start coming while you're
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  doing it, just let them. You're not doing it wrong. Father, you
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  called mourners blessed and you promised to be the one who
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  comforts them. Thank you that you never handed out the
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  instructions for doing it correctly because everybody
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  agrees differently. everybody listening who grew up without
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  ever seeing grief handled, teach them how. Meet them in God
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  blesses everything you've got today, and comfort them in
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  whatever you've got today, amen. If you need prayer today, I'd
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  love to hear from you. You can leave me a voicemail at
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  dailydevotionsforbusylives.com/voicemail . I listen to every single one
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  and it would be an honor to bring your name before the Lord.
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  Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives.
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  Remember, Jesus blessed the ones who mourn and never told them
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  how to do it. Bring him the version you've got, whatever it
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  is. Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live
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  grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great
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  day.