Latest / Libido Lounge / The Truth About Sexual Fulfillment: Relationship Advice No One Talks About With Leah Spasova

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The Truth About Sexual Fulfillment: Relationship Advice No One Talks About With Leah Spasova · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Welcome to the libido lounge.
• 0:02
  We focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
• 0:05
  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:20
  Hey, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on The Lounge.
• 0:24
  I'm your libido expert, Doctor.
• 0:25
  Diane, and I have a great treat for you today.
• 0:29
  Psychologist and sex and relationship expert and new friend of mine, Leah Spassova, is on
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  the show with me today, and we're gonna talk about pleasure.
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  We're gonna talk about society programming around pleasure, about prioritization of
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  pleasure, and what truly is happening to us as humans when we just pass over pleasure.
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  And it's just this afterthought that we don't attend to.
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  And we're gonna get into the nitty gritty of what that actually means for your health, your
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  wellness, your relationship, your happiness, and so much more.
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  So, Leah, welcome to the show.
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  So happy to have you.
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  And tell us a little bit about yourself and just your journey.
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  How did you get introduced into the sexology world?
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  You have a great website that we'll put in the show notes called Life's Explicit.
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  How did you create that?
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  Just kinda give us the background if you would, please.
• 1:22
  First of all, thank you for having me.
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  It's a pleasure to chat with you again and, create with you as well.
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  And the the long story short is that I was just very lucky to grow up in a sex positive family
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  and grow up having questions about sex and relationships just like every other kid, and my
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  questions were always answered as a matter of fact.
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  Nothing to be a big deal.
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  I was never made to feel shame or guilt around it, by being asked, like, where did you hear
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  this?
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  Or who told you that?
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  Or you're too young to know or any of that.
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  So, I just, you know, grew up curious and learning and became the sexpert for all of my
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  friends from a very early age because I was nerd as well as to where I am, learning about
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  these kind of, topics from people, from books, from, nongovernment organization that I joined
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  when I was 14, and they took us on trainings on healthy relationships, toxic, domestic abuse
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  and violence, drug use and abuse.
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  All these things I've been learning since I was, like, that young.
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  And when I went into the psychology field, mental health field, I still found myself
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  answering phone calls and text messages from friends from back when I was a teenager saying,
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  oh, Leah, how do I deal with this, and what happens when I do x, y, zed?
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  All about sex and relationships.
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  And at a crisis in my, work when I was working in mental health, which is atrocious in The UK,
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  I just realized I needed to listen to myself and to the people, around me, what I'm good at
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  and, going to that.
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  So I ended up going into sex and relationships and, opening my private practice.
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  And years later, as you mentioned, the Life's explicit website, I have a full practice.
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  I keep getting great referrals.
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  And, quite a lot of the time, I have a wait list because people are so keen on working with
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  me, when they hear and see the results that I achieve.
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  And I'm like, hey.
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  There's such a need for us sex and relationship professionals.
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  And, I just want everybody to be able to access sex and relationship support.
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  So, that's why I created Life's Explicit, and I invited colleagues to join the website to be
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  promoted on the website and found by their ideal clients because I don't have all the
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  expertise.
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  You know?
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  And I want people to find what they need.
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  Yeah.
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  I love your story.
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  It's like in in many ways, this profession seemed like it just found you through your own
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  interest and knowledge and just, like, the direction of you just learning about sexology
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  and and studying the the art of sex and people asking you.
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  So I love that I love that it found you in many ways.
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  And let's jump into our questions today.
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  So my first question for you is is something that we talked about briefly offline, which is
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  censorship.
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  Right?
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  And and I'm sure I imagine I shouldn't say I'm sure, but I imagine that you've experienced
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  what I have in being a sexologist is that there's a lot of censorship that happens even
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  in just, like, promoting our work in the world.
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  Right?
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  So there's so much censorship around what you can say on social media and what you can
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  advertise online.
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  And how does the level of censorship that we're seeing, how does it actually influence us from
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  a standpoint of healthy sex and being able to talk about it?
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  And what do you feel like would happen if we really started having better policies around
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  this?
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  So what would, like, say, future generations of of women, of humans experience if we really
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  took away some of the this intense censorship that's going on?
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  The censorship is brutal.
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  I mean, I keep saying comedians have more freedom of speech to talk about getting laid
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  and getting, you know, sucked off or whatever, than than we do when we open our mouth and
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  start talking about healthy sex and relationships and and how people can have them.
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  We get banned, and people don't know about this.
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  That's one of the reasons why I created LifeExplicit so that it's a censorship free
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  space where you can actually find resources by professionals.
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  And when it comes to the future of it, the future is bleak considering, the the world
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  going far right and more polarized.
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  I was just talking to, another, podcaster.
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  She's a sex worker and a content adult content creator.
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  And I said to her, these companies, the world of consumerism does not profit when you're
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  happy.
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  They profit when you're insecure, when you're detached, when you're full of horrible things.
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  You know?
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  That's when you're the best consumer.
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  That's when you're gonna buy this next thing that would make you feel better for, like, an
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  hour or a night or whatever it is.
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  We're when we are happy, we're having a picnic that costs nothing, with our loved ones.
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  We're making love all night long.
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  We show up joyful, and we're not doomscrolling.
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  You know?
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  We're not shopping.
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  And people need to realize that if we are to have a future without censorship, everybody
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  should be clued in on why this is happening because it's not for your protection.
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  It's for their profits.
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  And, to make sure that people understand how do they avoid censorship.
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  How do they stay connected to us?
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  And how would a world look like if we had no censorship, no oppression?
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  Well, it will be more, like, closer to utopia than the dystopia that we live in.
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  People will be connected.
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  People would have a lot of pleasure in their life and joy.
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  A lot of women would enjoy their bodies.
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  They will be healthier.
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  They will have a lot more sex because in a society where we talk about sex and
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  relationships, men and women are interested in pleasure rather than due to sex and are
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  actively pursuing, connecting, and having pleasure.
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  Right now, it's just like, oh, let me just have a quickie and and be done.
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  I'm like, are you kidding me?
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  Like, you can have a full night of pleasure.
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  People's idea of sex is so limited.
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  And I'm like, oh, it's like going to a buffet and staying in one corner of it and think,
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  yeah, that's all the food there is.
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  Well, it isn't Exactly.
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  Look up.
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  Yeah.
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  I think that's where, you know, people get bored so much and, you know, with sex and just
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  throw in the towel, and it becomes just, like you said, this, like, three minute experience,
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  and everybody gets in their sexual script that I do x, you do x, he does x, she does x, they
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  do x, and, like, then it's over.
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  Right?
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  And it's just like it's just this script that just gets repeated over and over and over
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  again.
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  And and, frankly, like, you know, if, like, you're staying in the buffet like you said, if
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  you're in that one corner and all you eat is chicken salad, it could be really good chicken
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  salad.
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  But if you eat it and that's all you eat, I don't care how good it is, you're gonna get
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  bored with it.
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  So that's a really, really great analogy.
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  And another thing you're making me think about as you're you're chatting is this, like, human
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  tendency for moving either towards pleasure or away from pain as, like, motivation.
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  And when you're talking about, like, consumerism and and all that, like, what I hear
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  in a lot of your saying is, like, oh, yeah.
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  We we capitalize oftentimes around most humans are more motivated around running away from
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  their pain, around, like, getting out of pain than the other motivating factor, which can be
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  towards pleasure.
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  So what do you think would happen in, you know, in a society where we started really
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  prioritizing pleasure, where we really, like, put it as a priority, where we say motivated
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  ourselves, not just away from pain because none of us wanna suffer, of course, but if we really
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  also added on top of that that drive to pleasure and prioritize that, like, how do you
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  think, like like, things would change for people, like relationships, health, you know,
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  just especially for women, like, where would how would their their lives potentially change
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  if they reoriented this way?
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  I would I would have to start a little bit further back.
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  Yeah.
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  To to the back to the consumerism.
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  And I wanna highlight, if people haven't read, two classic books, 1984 by George Orwell and
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  Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, they should read them.
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  Because I feel like governments of today have read these books that are dystopians, that
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  depict a horrible world and have gone, that's a great manual to create the world by.
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  Right.
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  Who should read these books?
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  The reason why I'm saying this is, yes, people are motivated to run away from pain.
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  They are still motivated by pleasure, though.
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  So, buying something from Amazon or or Gucci or or wherever, it still promises pleasure, and
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  you still have satisfaction by getting it.
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  So we are sold pleasure and satisfaction, but these are fleeting.
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  We are sold confidence that's, in a dress or in a car.
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  It is not part of us.
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  This is not the real us.
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  So the reason that I highlight sex is, you know, used to sell everything from a perfume to
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  a bag to a car to fucking Marmite.
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  Alright.
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  Honestly, if you haven't seen the Marmite advert that's so sexualized, you should.
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  But the reason why they use sex is because they know the power of sex.
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  Because through sex, we get so much connection, confidence, pleasure, sense of identity even of
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  someone who's loved and respected and cherished and appreciated.
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  Even if it's a one night stand, you still feel appreciated for whatever happened that night,
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  with, you know, all they thought I'm sexy.
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  Good.
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  You know?
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  So whatever it is, they sell everything through sex because they know that sex is the one thing
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  that can give us all of those feelings.
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  All of these desires get fulfilled through sex.
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  But they don't want us to experience sex because then we don't buy the car, the dress,
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  the blah, the blah.
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  So they do sell us what we want, except it's fleeting and it's fake.
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  And if we are to live in a actually pleasure filled life, and and world, you would have far
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  less stuff in your house.
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  You would have a lot more relationships.
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  You would have a lot more time off from work.
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  This is where I'll plug in another book called Civilized to Death, and it's, by Christopher
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  Ryan.
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  It's definitely worth reading.
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  But the point is we keep buying things and consuming because we're unfulfilled.
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  Imagine being completely unfulfilled.
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  You have the the comforts of your life, you know, your house, your car, etcetera.
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  But now you have more connection with the people in your life because they have social
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  skills, because they have relationship skills, because the intimacy between you is great.
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  You're more likely to, as I keep saying, grab that blanket, grab a book, go sit on the beach,
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  listen to a podcast together, discuss it, you know, get home, make love, have dinner.
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  You know?
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  Keanu Reeves has this tiny video of, like, what is the perfect world, perfect day for him.
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  And he says wake up, have sex, have breakfast, go for a motorcycle ride, have sex, have lunch.
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  And that's the whole, And I'm like, yeah.
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  Because when you have your basics and you have the connection, you will have a lot of pleasure
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  in your life.
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  You will be more connected.
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  And I'm not talking about, you know, addiction to sex or anything like this.
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  This is a completely different topic.
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  I'm talking about when you're connected, when you're at peace, and when when you're not
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  paying off yet another thing or credit card, you have the capacity to enjoy your body, to
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  enjoy your your partner, and to have better relationship because you would work on
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  yourself, and you they would do the same.
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  I appreciate that so much.
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  It's such a important awareness of that connection of, you know, what are we trying to
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  fill ourselves with if we are devoid of that?
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  I said, and like you said, we're on Amazon.
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  We're buying this, and it's cool for a second.
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  We get a dopamine hit.
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  Like, it feels exciting.
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  It's it's like hanging that really great new picture on the wall in the first week.
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  It's awesome, and it makes you so happy.
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  And then a week later, it blends into the wall, and you don't even notice it really.
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  Exactly.
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  You know?
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  So it's like that that fleeting type of pleasure.
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  What about, like, other things you've noticed?
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  Like, have you noticed that when people focus on more pleasure, have you noticed anything in
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  their health or in their career improve or change?
• 15:55
  Yeah.
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  Oh my god.
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  Massively.
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  I a while back, a couple of years ago, I was invited to speak to CEOs and entrepreneurs in
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  Oxfordshire in The UK where I lived.
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  And I held a talk about the return on investment when a company invests in their
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  employee's sex and relationship well-being.
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  And I I started with some rhetorical questions.
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  I was like, have you ever had such an amazing connection and a sexual and intimate experience
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  with someone that you felt like you can conquer the world, that you felt full of zest, full of,
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  you know, positive vibes and and desire to just do stuff because you felt so capable and
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  confident.
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  And people are, like, nodding their heads.
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  Right?
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  And I'm like, okay.
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  Well, have you had those other moments when you're absolutely disconnected and upset with
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  your partner and you had a role and you go to the office, and the whole day you're just
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  thinking how else you could have shut them down or told them off or whatever.
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  And you are definitely not productive one bit.
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  And they laugh, and they're like, yeah.
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  Yep.
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  Exactly.
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  Like, so do you get me now when I say if you invest in your employees' sex and relationship
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  well-being, when they show up at work because they have been connecting with their partners
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  at home and it's being healthy and good, they come recharged and happy.
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  If if there's drama at work and they have a supportive partner at home, that drama, they
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  would deal with it way better.
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  Mhmm.
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  Rather than drama at work, drama at home, nothing gets done.
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  And I keep saying there's a lot of power in sexuality and being connected to yourself,
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  serving yourself, being compassionate to yourself, and allowing yourself that pleasure
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  and being, quite brutal even with who you let in your life.
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  Yeah.
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  Because the person that's next to you as a partner or if you're a programmer is the
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  people, they will create a huge percentage of your life's experiences.
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  Mhmm.
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  There is benefits when it comes to work.
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  You will be more connected, more, full of zest and and capable.
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  Health wise, oh my god.
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  You know how much of our health is dependent on us being healthy Yeah.
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  In our relationships.
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  And not only that, but biologically, sex makes us fitter because it's a physical exercise.
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  Best form of exercise, if you ask me, is benefits in terms of your mental health as
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  well, because you're not feeling disconnected.
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  You're not feeling sad.
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  Depression is gonna stay away.
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  I genuinely believe that if we we handle better relationship skills and better intimacy skills,
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  so depression and anxiety will be way, way, way far away from us.
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  Yeah.
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  There's I'm not a medic, but I see it.
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  There's a massive connection between being sexually fulfilled and having a healthy
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  relationship and being healthy in body, mind, and spirit.
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  Yeah.
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  That's beautiful and well summed up and I think there's a lot of just awareness to the large
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  amount of benefits from this around and and the importance of getting the censorship out.
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  Right?
• 19:47
  Because I think people do truly think of sex as just this moment.
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  Oftentimes, that happens maybe once a week, maybe once a week a month, maybe once a year,
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  last a few minutes, and then, you know, and then moving on.
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  And it really is a part of health and happiness as much as, you know, good water, good food,
• 20:09
  all those kinds of things.
• 20:10
  So I know we're at time today.
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  I wanna make sure everybody knows how to get ahold of you, and you have a free gift for our
• 20:17
  audience.
• 20:17
  I wanna make sure to talk about that.
• 20:19
  And and also to remind everybody that, remember, in in 2025, we're doing the same
• 20:24
  thing that we did in 2024, which is that we are paying attention to whoever gets the likes most
• 20:32
  most likes, downloads, etcetera, across all of our channels, and that person will be invited
• 20:36
  back in December for a deep dive on their topic where we can go a lot deeper.
• 20:42
  You can submit your questions ahead of time, and and we can have a lot more fun.
• 20:45
  So please do spread the word for Leah.
• 20:48
  Download her episode.
• 20:50
  Share it around because I know I would love to have you back.
• 20:53
  And but before we say goodbye, please tell us about this this gift you're giving us as well
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  as how people get ahold of you.
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  The gift is, an ebook, called the three secrets to a pleasure filled life.
• 21:09
  And, it's available on my website.
• 21:12
  You can find me on Life's Explicit, or if you just Google my name, I'm very Googleable.
• 21:18
  You can approach me in on my website or on life's explicit.
• 21:23
  It doesn't matter.
• 21:24
  And I encourage you if what we've been talking about here and what Diane has, you know, to
• 21:32
  teach you in every single episode, And you're thinking, oh, I I need support with this.
• 21:37
  Please seek support.
• 21:39
  The world depends on us building those skills and having, those intimate connections that,
• 21:46
  you know, fill us with joy and prevent us from putting yet another, I don't know, painting or,
• 21:53
  unneeded watch on the credit card.
• 21:57
  We need more connection in the world.
• 21:59
  And if you need help, I would definitely recommend people to go to Life's Explicit to
• 22:04
  find me, to find you, and any other professional and resource they may want to to
• 22:10
  check out.
• 22:12
  So that's my my closing.
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  Like, you deserve pleasure.
• 22:15
  You deserve great relationships.
• 22:17
  Don't deny yourself a single day anymore.
• 22:23
  I love it.
• 22:23
  What a great conclusion.
• 22:25
  And and we'll have all these links, everybody.
• 22:27
  We'll have all these links in Leah's show notes here.
• 22:30
  And, you know, sometimes I ask people to tell about their opt in, but I think your opt in is
• 22:34
  very clear.
• 22:35
  Like, three big secrets to a pleasure filled life.
• 22:37
  Like, I want those secrets.
• 22:39
  I imagine everybody else does too.
• 22:40
  So please go find out what those secrets are, what steps you can do right away to get that
• 22:46
  yourself moving towards that pleasure free life, please do check out Leah's website.
• 22:50
  And, again, all of that will be in the show notes.
• 22:53
  And thank you everybody for listening today.
• 22:55
  It's such a pleasure to be with you once again.
• 22:59
  And this is doctor Diane signing off here reminding you to always be classy, always be
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  sexy, and always stay a little badass y.
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  We'll see you next time.
• 23:11
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 23:13
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 23:14
  Please share this with your friends.
• 23:16
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.