Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / The Sky Is the Limit… So Why Am I Still Scared to Reach?
Transcript
- Tori: Okay, y'all. I'm back. I know it's been two to three weeks, but it feels like it's been a lifetime since I've dropped an episode. But listen, when I say life has been lifing, it has been. And honestly, during these past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about a lot. Not just about like what I want this podcast to become, but like who I actually want to become in life, period. So I recently had my 32nd birthday last week and before then, I was just like, what am I doing? What's happening? I've always been defined by staying busy, making sure that my plate is always full, living in chaos, feeling overwhelmed and being okay with it. But like lately I've been overwhelmed and my anxiety has been peaking, and I have not been okay with it. So this is gonna be a lifetime journey or a life journey that we're gonna go through in this episode, we could say. So when I started Don't Quote Me, I knew I wanted to create a space to have conversations about mental health, relationships, motherhood, and everything all in between, right? And I still want to do that. However, I've also realized that I don't want every conversation to feel like I'm sitting here teaching a therapy lesson. Because yes, I'm a therapist. Yeah, I'm a mom, wife, and I'm also a woman. Like I said, trying to figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do. Who the fuck am I? And what do I actually wanna do? Like what I actually Am capable of doing, if that become if that makes sense. And I think that's something that we also don't talk about enough. Sometimes we're so busy fulfilling all these different roles that we tend to forget that we're allowed to explore ourselves as well. We're allowed to have like new dreams, new changes of our mind. We're allowed to try something completely different. And we're allowed to want more of ourselves without meaning that we're ungrateful for what we. actually have in this current moment. And I say that because sometimes I feel like I am being ungrateful for the life that I have and I shouldn't want more because this is good. This is good enough. And it's just like, yeah, but why not want more? You know, like why not be allowed to evolve and change and explore things that I used to be afraid to explore, I never want to look back and be like, I regret this. So with all that being said, in today's episode, it's gonna be a little bit different. We're gonna be talking about life, starting of my businesses, making changes, fear, identity, and figuring out who I actually want to become and who you might want to become if you can relate. And I want to talk about those things that we've already been talking about lately as well. Cause I genuinely believe that sky is the limit. But sometimes I myself am scared to reach it. So I hope that I have people that can kind of connect with me on that. So let's talk about it. quick reminder, this podcast is just for educational and informational purposes only. This is not therapy or substitute for individualized mental health care. If you are in a crisis or in seek of mental health, please find your nearest providers or dial nine eight eight. Okay, so again, something I've been thinking about lately is how easy it is to identify ourselves through the roles that we have. So when somebody asks me who I am, I usually say, I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a therapist. and don't get me wrong, I love those parts of my life, but what sometimes I wonder about is like who I am outside of those things. What do I genuinely enjoy? What makes me excited? What do I actually want to experience in this life that we have and what I've always wanted to try but never gave myself permission to? Which honestly blends in with these starting these businesses and stuff because I would have never been like, Okay, let's just put these creative things out there that you've always wanted to do but just been too afraid of. So that that is something that I'm adventuring right now. and I don't think that it is something we only experience when we're younger. Sometimes I think about how adulthood makes it harder because now we have these responsibilities, we got bills, people depending on us, and a structured routine that we need to go by every single day. Work, go to sleep, wake up, work, go to sleep, wake up. Suddenly trying something different feels a feels like a huge decision. And I'm really realizing that because when we were younger, people would encourage us to dream big, right? They would tell us, reach for the stars, go for it. They ask you what you want to be when you grow up, but when you're an adult, sometimes it feels like you've been expected to already figure that out. Like literally. I remember in my undergrad and I was a sophomore and they were just like, You should already know what you wanna be. And I was like, Yeah, I know the field that I wanna go into, but now you're throwing all these specific things at me and I'm like, What's happening? I thought that Forensic psychology was just this way and it was good to go. But no, there's these other routes and there's this other perception of psychology. And even before psychology, I wanted to be an OB, and then I found somebody, watched somebody give birth, and I thought I was gonna die more than the actual parent that was giving birth. So that was marked out quickly without even having to go through school. So thank God for that. But I still sometimes sit here and think, why does it have to stop? Because I've already became something. why can't I be a therapist and explore entrepreneurship? Why can't I be a mom and still have an individual dream? Why can't I love the life I have built, but also want to see what else is possible within this life? I like they don't have to compete with each other, right? And that's something that I'm trying to learn. Because as I said earlier, like I have had a full mental breakdown. Yes, me, a therapist, has had a full mental breakdown because I'm just like, am I allowed to explore these things? No, you just need to be a therapist because that's what you do best. That's what you went to school for. And if you try to do all these other businesses, they might not be as successful and they're not as promising as you being a therapist because that's what you do and that's what you know. So then I like am having this internal battle with myself of like, okay, Tori, well. You need to just stay in your lane. You need to stay doing what you're doing because first of all, that's what's expected of you, right? I think it's I say that because I sometimes have clients that are just like, yeah, and I I used to be a teacher, but now I'm this. And I'm just like, that's amazing. Like, what made you go into that? And then sometimes they're just like, you know, I'm surprised that you even asked me that because other people are like, You're 50 years old. You should be already having a career and figure it out and you should already know what's going on. And I'm like, This world doesn't allow you to evolve and grow. So see why there's so much anxiety and s like fear in trying to figure out who you are even when you're older. Like we don't plateau at a certain age. Like that's just not scientifically correct. Like our brain still evolves and the society that we have grown in, it seems like it doesn't let us. didn't let us. older generations tend to have that complaint more than we do these days, which I'm very thankful for, but still they were the ones that raised us. So that mindset is still there in the back of my mind. Still there. So with all that being said, let's talk about this entrepreneurship adventure that I'm diving into because I don't know who needs to hear this, but starting a little starting a b business will certainly humble you. There's something that I've been having an idea about, and then realizing that I am responsible for actually making it happen. I'm having to figure out how to design this website, the finances of it all, the marketing, the scheduling, the paperwork that it goes with it, how to get customers, the technol all this technology stuff. Like, yes, I would knew about podcasting, but like all these TikToks and making all these reels and all this stuff just to be able to draw attention to my products to get them to sell and stuff like that. Even for my private practice, this this also involves to my private practice. Like the little things that I didn't realize were a part of running a business. Are the major things that need to be done within a business? And I thought that I could just be like, Okay, pop it up, open, there we go, boom. No, that is not the case. I know one of my colleagues told me a little while ago when I was opening my practice, like, what were some tips? And she was just like, If you want a full caseload, you need to work like you have a full caseload until you have a full caseload. And I literally took that to heart. So now I'm sitting here at my computer. Every single day trying to figure out how to market for everything that I have, get new clients, get customers coming in and being curious about the little small business that I'm opening. And that is a lot. It is a lot. Like anxiety level has reached its limit within me. but also with all that chaotic things being said, there's like this incredible excitement about creating these things that actually belong to me and mean the most to me, right? So it's been scary, but it's also been fulfilling in a sense. Because when you work towards something you've wanted for yourself, there's an added pressure. Yes, it's not just a job, it's something that you envisioned, something that you invested in, it's something that you wanted to succeed. However, once it starts growing and blooming, it is so worth it. Like, I'm not as stressed about my private practice as I was at first because It is growing and I'm so grateful and so thankful for the clientele that I have been able to gain within my private practice and seeing individuals and making helping them make the life worth living for themselves. So sometimes I do tend to sit back and reflect and be like, Well, am I doing that for myself? Which kind of brought us full circle to hear to this podcast that we're doing today. I know I'm kind of talking in circles, so hopefully it makes sense. Because I realized with my private practice, just because I had experience in one area doesn't mean I ha automatically have experience in the other half of it. I am confident that I am a therapist, yes, right. And I am still completely confused about the business part. Like having to put the boundaries down and being like, hey, so you gotta pay, you gotta pay this bill so that we can continue instead of being like, you know what, it's okay. I I'll let it slide because that's gonna end up becoming a bad habit of mine and that's not okay. So things like that. And I think that it's okay to realize that. Really. Like I think sometimes as adults we become uncomfortable with the not knowing, right? I mean, do. I don't know if everybody else does. And we want to try something new and immediately be good at it, but that's not exactly how learning works. Sometimes you have to be willing to look at little losses when you're trying to figure these things out and be okay with those losses. You have to remember that failing leads to success because if you don't fail, then you won't know if you're if you've actually succeeded or not, right? Okay, so this part is really important to me because I the reason why I name this episode this is because this is genuinely what goes on in my mind all the time. Because it's frustrating. The sky's the limit, but why why am I afraid to reach it? Like I know all of the answers, but like I still have this hold against me of me trying to reach it, right? Because I genuinely believe that we're capable of doing so much more than we sometimes allow ourselves to imagine. And I don't mean everybody needs to jump up and start a business or become an entrepreneur, right? That's not what I'm trying to say. And that's not even everybody's dream. I'm talking about whatever means more to you. You should have the confidence to do it. And maybe that's going back to school, changing your career path, starting a business. Moving somewhere new, learning a new skill, starting over, pursuing a passion, or simply becoming a version of yourself that is more authentic than what you're having to be right now. Sometimes we want to know what's gonna happen. Like we want to know the outcome before the outcome actually happens. We want to be able to have confidence in that, being able to see what's gonna happen and what life might look like if we were to take that leap. But then all of a sudden, beautiful fear hops up and is like, Hold up girl, what if you fail? What if people judge you? What if you're not sh really good at it at all? What if you're gonna be wasting your time and your money? And what if this is a wrong decision? And that's genuinely what happens in my mind every single day. And then I have my support system and my beautiful people in my circle that are always just like, And what if it actually does work? What if you actually do succeed? What if you actually were supposed to be here at this time, at this place? What if you are supposed to move on? And that also causes fear. But it's like, no, I don't think about it that way. I don't. Because why would I? All we talk about is fear. Because successful success can be too intimidating. Because what happens when that business grows? What happens when people start paying attention to to what I'm doing or what you're doing? What happens when those opportunities start showing up? And what happens when the dreams that you have start to become real real? Now you're stepping into unfamiliar territory and the unfamiliar territory doesn't always feel comfortable, even when it's something that you actually want. Because you're stepping into the unknown. And that is the part I think I'm trying to learn to navigate. I can believe in myself and still feel nervous. And I can be excited and uncertain at the same time. And I can want something and still question whether I'm ready, right? Those feelings don't necessarily have to cancel each other out. Like I always say. But it's easier said than done. Not even but, and it's easier said than done. So I'm trying to navigate through that. Like you deserve this. You deserve to have this. real relaxed life and doing the things that you genuinely enjoy. You worked your ass off to get here. Why wouldn't you deserve it? Because all I know is working my ass off. So why would I just sit here and be like, I don't gotta wake up till ten o'clock, eleven o'clock, because my first session isn't till twelve or something like that. Why not be okay with that lifestyle that I built myself? Okay, so y'all know, as you can kind of hear, I'm not gonna be going through this entire episode without bringing a little bit of psychology into it, but I promise we're not gonna be doing a whole therapy lecture today, okay? This is a concept of psychology called self-efficiency, associated with psychiatrist Albert Barana Bandura, sorry. Basically self-efficiency refers to our belief in our ability to carry out actions needed to achieve particular goals. And something important about self-efficiency is that it can develop through experience. Okay. So through trying, practicing, learning, and accomplishing things, sometimes we want we wait until we feel completely confident before we take action. But confidence doesn't always come first. Sometimes we build confidence because of the actions that we have taken. And I feel like that is such a major thing to take into consideration. And I wrote that down to put in here because that is something that I'm hoping can stick with you guys and also stick with myself through this little adventure that we're I'm going through. Think about something you know how to do now that that once felt now that once felt intimidating to you. Maybe it was driving, starting a new career, having a difficult conversation, or learning a new system. At one point you didn't know how to do that thing, but you grew through that experience and you developed skills. And I think sometimes we forget that when we're starting something new, we expect ourselves to feel confident in something that we haven't even practiced yet. I have that problem. That is why I'm like, this is something that is so important. And I'm hoping that I'm connecting with people that feel the same way and you can take that with you during this journey that we're going on together, apparently. something also that I've been thinking about is how we sometimes hold ourselves to an old version of who we used to be, right? Maybe you've always been the responsible one, the practical one, the person who pay plays it safe or the person who a l follows the plan. Or maybe you Are known for one particular thing with people. Or when you start doing something different, people are genuinely confused. they'll probably ask you those questions like, when did you start doing that? Why are you starting another business? Why didn't you stick with the what you know? And sometimes these questions make us question as our question ourselves, which is what is happening to me? I've gotten those questions a lot. I hate being questioned a lot because then it makes me suff second guess myself. through and through, genuinely. So it's like I fully understand. But this is also something that I've been thinking about, what if I don't have to be the same version of myself forever? What if the things I wanted five years ago aren't exactly the things that I'm I'm wanting today? What if I'm discovering interests, interests that I didn't even know existed within myself? What if I want to try something and it doesn't actually work out? Does that mean I failed, or does that mean I learned something about myself? I think we're allowed to evolve and we're allowed to change directions, explore and discover that some things we thought we wanted aren't actually for us. We're also allowed to discover new things that bring us joy. Not every interest that has become not every interest has to become a career. Not every hobby has to become a business. Not everything has to be productive. Sometimes we're allowed to do something simply because we enjoy it, and that's something. I want to continue making room for in my life. I feel like that is something important to me because sometimes I'm just like, okay, well, instead of doing this, I need to be doing something that's productive and actually making things happen for me. In reality, me sitting here reading my books does bring me joy. Now, yes, I have started a little business where I sell bookmarks, but it does not mean that I'm gonna sit here and write an entire novel because that's just not possible for me. But I know there's a lot of book readers out there, and I'm like, if I can give a little bit of myself to people, it could be these little bookmarks with little quotes on them and little whimstical, witchy things attached to them. Like, why not just at least give part of myself to the world too? And I feel like I just contradicted every single thing that I just said right then and there. So I'm just gonna back up off that. Which I think kind of Not even I think. So here's the part that probably is going to make it more difficult for myself and take a lot of practice from me. and if you can relate, then this will probably be a part for you as well. But giving myself grace. I do not I say this to every single client I have when they're practicing new skills, right? And I can't seem to do that for my own to save my own fucking life. I cannot give myself grace. And you are supposed to be able to practice what you preach as a therapist because you are able, you will be able to show your clients that it is possible. Well, fuck. I am a bad example of that because I cannot do that. Because I can have all these ideas and ambitions. And sometimes I want everything to happen all at once. And I start that business, I build that website, create the products, learn the system, and market the services, and somehow everything perfectly a lot organized by Thursday. Now it's not realistic unless you want to die of stress, which will make it realistic because that is what we have done. That is what we have done. And I think sometimes when we're ambitious, we forget that we're still human. At least I do. That I still need to rest, take re I still have responsibilities, I still have relationships that need nurturing, and I still have a a life outside of my personal goals. And we can put so much pressure on ourselves to constantly be doing something, but I'm learning that progress doesn't always have to be that fast. I'm learning and I'm trying. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. Because sometimes progress can look like something as easy as or as minimal as researching what's going on. Sometimes it can be actually practicing those skills. It can sometimes be making an actual mistake. And recognizing that something isn't working and adjust that plan. And sometimes it's just taking a damn break, which is what is needed. So the one thing that I appreciate about self-compassion is that it encourages us to respond to our own struggles with understanding instead of constant criticism, being gentle and kind to ourselves instead of talking down, adding to that negative fuel. Because it means recognizing that learning and growing is a process. And I can hold myself accountable without treating every mistake like proof that I am incapable of something. I can be ambitious without constantly criticizing myself for not being further ahead. And I can celebrate what I've accomplished without immediately moving the goal goalpost. I choke on that because I don't do that. because I most of the time, not even sometimes, majority of the time, I think. I forget to stop and acknowledge how far I've actually came. And I'm wondering if you do too. So to lighten up the load a bit a little bit, this is something I'm wanting to start doing on the podcast. A little segment called Don't Quote Me But. This is where I'll be sharing something I've been thinking about. Maybe it's an unpopular opinion, maybe it's a personalized, personal realization, or maybe it's something I'm trying to figure out myself. And so for today, it's gonna be don't quote me, but maybe I'm not afraid that I can't do it. Maybe I'm afraid of finding out just how much I'm capable of it. Because think about it. Sometimes we get comfortable with the life we know, even when we want more. Not necessarily because we're unhappy, but because we know what it feels like. It's predictable. We are accustomed to it. We're comfortable. And pursuing something different means stepping out of that comfortability and into uncertainty. And it means possibly being seen different. Changing routines, taking risks, making decisions, being willing to learn, and sometimes discovering what we're capable of is something that we never expected that we would be. And I think that's both both exciting and also truly terrifying. So maybe this season of my life isn't about having everything figured out. Maybe it's about giving myself permission to actually find out, to try, to learn, to change, to build, and to become. And honestly, that's part of why I want to change things up on this podcast as well. Because I don't want this to be a space where I only show up as a therapist explaining about mental health contest concepts. I want to have real conversations. I want to share experiences, talk about things I'm learning while I'm still learning them and bring on guest, women, men, anybody who may be relating and understanding and have a different perception of that. other therapists, parents, entrepreneurs, friends, all of those things. I want us to laugh together. I want us to have a com I want us to have those uncomfortable conversations. I want us to talk about things that don't always have a perfect answer. And I want to sometimes come on here and just talk about life because I think that's where value is held within conversations. I we don't always need somebody telling us what to do, right? Sometimes it is helpful just to hear somebody say, I'm figuring this shit out too. And that's the direction I actually want to go with. Don't quote me. We're still going to be talking about mental health again. All of the things, relationships, boundaries, healings, personal growth, but we're going to be taking, going to make sure that we make room for everything else that comes in between that involves being an actual human being. So I want to leave y'all with something. Maybe you're in a season where you're questioning what comes next. Maybe you're thinking about starting something, wanting to make a change or have an idea that keeps coming back to you. Maybe you're looking at your life and wondering, is this all I'm supposed to be? Is this all that life is? And I want you to know that you can appreciate where you are while still being curious about where you could be going or where you could go. You don't have to have every the answer every single day. You don't need to know exactly how things are going to work out and you don't have to become a completely different person overnight. But maybe you can give yourself permission to explore, be curious, take one small step. Try something you've been thinking about trying, discover something new about yourself. Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm building, I'm learning, I'm making mistakes, I'm trying these new things, I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. And honestly, I'm excited to see who Tori is or who and who she can become. Because remember, the sky is the limit. And maybe I'm a little scared to reach it, but I'm not going to let that stop me from looking up. Okay, so with all that being said, please don't quote me. And I mean, if you can relate, then actually you can quote me. It's all up to you, baby. Again, thank you for listening coming back and listening to another episode of Don't Quote Me. I'm excited for this next chapter, and I hope you stick around for this adventure. just a reminder if you ever have any questions, comments, or concerns. or just want to share a story or even maybe hop on the podcast with me. I would love to have people come on and share their experiences and just have a good conversation. You can reach me at the don't quote me pod at gmail.com. All right. Until then, I'll see you guys later.