Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Do Dates Find You Boring?

Transcript

Why Do Dates Find You Boring? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about why your
0:10
date's find you boring. This is a male and female
0:13
problem and people come in and they say that they just are not
0:16
clicking with people on dates because they think that they
0:19
can't hold the person's interest and we will talk about why this
0:23
happens and what to do about it. Just as soon as I encourage you
0:27
to subscribe because you got about 125 or more, by the time
0:32
you hear this, subscriber episodes the most And one was
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when your wife won't go back to work, all right?
0:39
So then moving to the the boring issue.
0:41
So I work with a lot of people who are, you know, divorced and
0:44
Andre and dating some people that are single and dating, and
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I'm not gonna lie, I mean, sometimes people are right that
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they're boring like, you know, I mean, it didn't, you could be
0:56
right about a lot of things about yourself, you could have
0:58
Insight if you see that people frequently look away and they
1:03
look at the clock, or they look at their phone.
1:05
Or they're just not really laughing at things.
1:07
You thought were funny they're not really they don't care to
1:10
ask follow-up questions and then you don't get other dates.
1:13
I mean, it may truly be because you're boring like, that's not
1:16
like the worst thing in the world, it's not like being an
1:18
asshole, but, you know, there's some things that you could do
1:21
about it if you understand what it means.
1:24
So, what boring basically means is that you are not making
1:28
people feel any good feelings by talking to you.
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So, a lot of guys, Guys, in particular and more avoidant,
1:37
women tend to use a lot of fact. When they talk like, they think
1:42
that they will be interesting little boys.
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Do this a lot, particularly little boys who like reading
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little facts bulked and like learning all about, you know,
1:50
some topic or whatever men are just generally more fact-based
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than women in their communication style.
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So you know, like a little boy will like be like, do you know
2:01
like all these things about this kind of dinosaur, you know, in
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the I really feel like this is an interesting conversation man.
2:08
This is cool dinosaur. But you know, as a parent it can
2:12
be boring, right? Because you don't care.
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And if you really wanted to know about the dinosaur, you would
2:17
look up dinosaurs and you would learn all that information and
2:19
about 2 seconds. So what you do is you sit there
2:23
because you love your son, but if you're on a first date and
2:26
you're doing like the equivalent of talking about dinosaurs then
2:30
you know it's not going to be very engaging or interesting and
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it's not going. To really cause any positive
2:37
feelings in the person so frequently men and more avoidant
2:41
women, they think that a person is talking to them to gain
2:44
value, to gain, some sort of extra knowledge, or to be
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edified in some way about a topic.
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So particularly people that are socially kind of anxious, they
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think like that, somebody would think that it's boring to talk
3:01
to them if they didn't really learn anything and that's
3:04
exactly the wrong. Way to look at it because
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learning is boring. Remember school?
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You know? So like you know if you didn't
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sign up for like a crash course in something that you don't
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really want to learn about it. Probably you know and instead
3:21
what you wish that there was more of a back-and-forth that
3:24
made you feel positive and flirtatious and good.
3:30
So when you're learning a bunch of shit you either feel bored or
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possibly interested in the Topic.
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But not really interested in the person, you know, because
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everybody can remember, having professors in college that knew
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a lot about their topic, you would never have doubted that,
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but they were super boring, but then there were other professors
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that maybe even knew less about their topic, but they were very
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engaging and you felt good going in there, why maybe they were
3:56
funny, but you certainly can't make yourself funnier or if you
4:00
can. I don't really know how you
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would do that. Maybe you could look that up on
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YouTube, but what you Can do is make yourself have more personal
4:11
discussion in your discussions. There can be a person there, so
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the people that relate things to themselves and their feelings
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are generally thought to be more interesting and engaging.
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Also people who are curious about the other person or
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generally thought to be more interesting and engaging even if
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they don't disclose much about themselves.
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So why do I say, amen? And More avoidant women.
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Because avoidant, women kind of don't feel very comfortable
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talking about their feelings and then men generally as I said,
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think that facts are more interesting.
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So like they could go back and forth with like some other dude
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about like all the details of like they're Tesla's or
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something, you know. But a woman isn't going to be
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really interested in that conversation because it doesn't
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really make you feel any kind of way except that now you know
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more about a Tesla which again you could just Google.
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So if you cared which Not so. So women who have trouble
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talking about their feelings tend to be perceived by men as
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aloof or not interested, or a bore.
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And so, how do I mean? So people say that they like
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when I do things in real time to give examples.
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So if your a guy like guys like to, you know, talk about where
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they travel to, they think this makes them interesting.
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It doesn't really make you interesting.
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You know, it you're All destination could sound
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interesting but that does not make the woman more interested
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in you and less literally, she is just with you because you can
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provide travel experiences which is not what most men want.
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Is a woman who's just with you. Because literally, by listening
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to you, she understands that you can afford travel, you know?
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And we'll go on travel, you know, experiences with her.
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You want somebody who likes you who's attracted to you, right?
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So instead of saying oh yeah, you know, I'll tell you about
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myself. Summer in Italy.
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We went to this place. I went to this place and then I
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went to this place then I did this extreme sport and then I
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did this extreme sport at this destination and then I did this
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hobby at this other place. And then at this place, I did
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this thing. And at this thing, I did this
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thing. So already like she wants to
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stab herself with a fork, you know?
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Like she just wants to be done with that date yesterday.
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So instead you would say, oh, I went to, I mean, you could talk
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about Italy to talk about the exact same thing.
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I went to Italy and it made made me feel like I really missed
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out, you know, those years that that my ex-wife and I we didn't
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travel and then when we got divorced, I said to myself.
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You know, you only live once you really want to see some places
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before you die, you know, and you want to make the most of
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your 40s. And I, when I got there, when I
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got to Italy, I really felt. You know that this is who I who
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I want to be. I want to be an adventurous
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person. These are my values at this
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point in my life, I want to Of learn about the world around me.
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I want to be able to take my vacation days, you know, and not
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just devote myself, just utterly to my work like I had been do it
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now. That's some shit that a woman
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finds fascinating. She finds that interesting.
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You're sharing feeling you're talking about who you are.
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You're talking about your values.
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What you feel? And what you think and what is
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important to you. So while anybody could have gone
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from X destination, 2x destination in in Italy, Lee and
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done the exact same itinerary as you.
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Nobody else is going to have the exact same inner world as you.
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And that's what makes you unique and that's what makes you
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special. That's what will make you
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interesting to a woman because she is feeling connected to you,
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when you share about your thoughts and feelings, people.
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Feel connected to you, you know, and that is a positive warm
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experience. Instead of you just teaching a
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class about Italy, which she did not sign up to take, and she'll
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not and Smile, but she won't want to go out again if you're
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boring and this is what happens to a lot of people, you know.
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And so as a woman sometimes you can fall into the Trap because I
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said before ask questions about the person.
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Yeah, definitely ask questions about the person but
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particularly socially anxious or avoid and women can fall into
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the Trap of only asking questions about the person and
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never talking about themselves. So it's really nice to say oh
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the tell me more about yourself. Tell me more about your kids
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tell me more about you know like your job that's great.
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Eight, but if literally, that's all you do and it's an interview
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and you never never share about yourself, then the person will
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leave feeling like they kind of didn't really even go on a date,
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you know like they were on a date with a robot who just was
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primed to like, ask them leading questions and this can be at if
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you are already thinking that you're boring then this can be
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something that's hard to break because you always think
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bullshit, I'm boring. So I should just keep on, you
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know, moving the conversation back to But know, what should
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you do? What did I teach you?
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You should do thoughts and feelings and values.
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Talking about yourself is good that does make people more
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interested in. You the deeper, you go, the more
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interested people are in you. Now, if you have a lot of
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trouble doing that, obviously what helps there are be helps
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reading books about, you know, the books I recommend you to
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read hell, you know, because some people really were raised
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in homes where nobody ever talked about feelings and quite
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Honestly, they remember those as fairly boring, cold homes, you
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know, and they say things like, you know, I'm 50 years old, my
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mother is 70 years old and I don't really know her, you know,
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I talked to her weekly, but I don't really know who she is as
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a person. So people that would be raised
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in that sort of situation by a parent that did not disclose a
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lot about their own emotions. They feel like they don't really
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know their parent and also they never really learned how to
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express and convey, what they themselves are thinking or
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feeling because if a parent Is uncomfortable around emotion and
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they're not really going to ask you much.
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They're going to ask you what you did today.
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What you're doing tomorrow, what you're studying, you know and so
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then you learn to only interact in those ways.
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But if a parent ask you like what are you feeling about XYZ?
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Why aren't you friends with so-and-so anymore?
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Like what why did you change your major?
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Like, what are you thinking, about long term for, you know,
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your relationship with your girlfriend?
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Which are Questions that people who are uncomfortable with
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emotions would never ask their kid if you had had a parent that
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did that and of course it's not their fault that they didn't
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they didn't know how they weren't raised to do that.
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They were probably better with emotions than they got growing
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up, you know, but either way, you then would never learn that
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anybody's interested in your emotions because nobody was
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interested in your emotions. You know, because they were
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uncomfortable with emotions. So the number one way to really,
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you know, stop people from being bored and and some people really
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think oh they are Our estimate, how boring they are, and
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actually people find them to be more engaging than they are.
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But you know, some people are boring, just like some people
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are mean. And some people are nice and
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whatever, whatever people have ways of interacting that are
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more or less engaging. And one that is much less
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engaging is when people cannot discuss their feelings values or
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thoughts. Everything is very surface.
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So what I try to say to people is is if somebody could get the
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same information from a video camera.
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That followed you around. Don't tell them that story.
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Like you got to go deeper. So if basically a video camera
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could have followed you around Italy and then your date would
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know all the information that you gave her on the date about
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Italy. Well then why the hell she
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talking to you you know like who like that?
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You're not even going deeper than what she could have saw if
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she was in like a GoPro on your head, you know, you want to add
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something more to that. You want to flesh out a
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character. Remember like English class.
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You want to do it when you read a book, a novel, which many men
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do not read. And, you know, in fact, it's
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interesting literary fiction. So not just like any garbage
12:15
Fire book, but actual good literary fiction.
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Like, the stuff that you did read an English class back in
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the day, has been associated with increases in empathy such
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that if somebody reads a work of literary fiction.
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Really, any novel? That is generally considered
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quote good, then it goes deep into the character's motivation.
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Nations, thoughts and feelings. And if you read more things like
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this, it actually promotes and increases empathy.
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So, this is why I always tell men, you know, if they read at
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all that the books that they should be reading in addition to
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the ones on Personal Finance, you know, and what have you are,
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you know, novels and also of course you know, more generally
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books on feelings. So either books on psychology,
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the things that were actually talking about in therapy, like
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let's say the book Running on Empty by Jonas.
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That emotional neglect in childhood which interestingly
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would be very relevant for most of the people that I'm talking
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to here or novels, particularly women novels from a woman's
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perspective, those are super interesting to men and can teach
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them more, one book and teach them more about women than a
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whole marriage. Can, if you're married to
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somebody who doesn't really disclose thoughts and feelings.
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And the other thing is that a lot of people who have an real
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discomfort with sharing, thoughts and feelings were
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married, Read, previously, two people who are the same.
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So the two of them didn't really ever talk about feelings to each
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other, and that's kind of subconsciously why they picked
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each other anyway, because, you know, both of them stayed in the
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same comfort zone there. Their first date, second date,
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they kind of understood that they would be a small talk, kind
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of couple and that was familiar and comfortable to both of them
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because they had been raised to both, be uncomfortable around
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emotion. So then a man goes through 20
13:59
years of marriage, to such a woman that's similar to himself
14:02
in this domain and then they divorce and then he's out on the
14:04
dating. Orchid is like whoa what the
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hell like why these women want to talk about feelings?
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Let's get back into on, to the safety of sure here.
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And, you know, talk about my trip to Italy, talk about, you
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know, how how I'm training for a marathon like, with zero emotion
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in that, you know, discussion and basically conveying a couch
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to 5K plan, you know, and whatever.
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So, and for women, if they had been married for many years to a
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man who didn't talk about emotion, then they too could
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have been either Annalee emotionally avoid and as I just
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discussed or they could have kind of got out of practice and
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sharing their emotions because their ex-spouse didn't really
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care to hear it. So they too have to learn on
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dates to come forward with what they think or feel and also what
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you think or feel about the person that always makes people
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feel good to get any sort of compliment and to see that they
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are affecting you. So, if somebody makes a funny
15:02
comment don't just like, kind of Laughs laughs say, wow, you
15:07
really funny. If the person's really funny or
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if the woman shows up and she's really beautiful say, wow, I'm
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you know, Amaze you so beautiful even prettier than your
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pictures, those are things out. People want to hear and if
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somebody's uncomfortable with receiving compliments that's not
15:24
a good thing. That's a person, like if a woman
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is uncomfortable, receiving a compliment about her looks.
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It's not good about with the future of your sex.
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Life is going to be. You want to be saying, you want
15:34
to be closer. Sir.
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Then you look so beautiful and if a woman is uncomfortable with
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physical compliments, I'm not saying she shows up on the first
15:40
date you say Hey man, nice tits. No.
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But like, you should be able to say you're so beautiful and they
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should really like it if they don't like it, then that's a
15:49
discomfort with their physical self.
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That's not going to be good for later having, you know a good
15:54
sex life. But either way, this is the
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point. You got to come in and you got
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to lead with some kind of feelings if you go and then I
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did X and then I did Y and then, I did X and now I'm planning to
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do And then comes in Z and a and then B.
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And here, let me just draw you a diagram on this napkin.
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This is what Italy looks like. You know, then you're barking up
16:12
the wrong tree and there is no feeling being cultivated, they
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are except for boorda. So, think about in, from this,
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think about how you were raised to talk about or not talk about
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feelings, whether your confidence level, is stopping
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you from engaging with feeling. So, like you're much more
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confident in talking about the geography.
16:35
Rafi of Italy then you are in talking about your emotions
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which means that you still do have to go outside your comfort
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zone and do it but you're trying to understand why it's been hard
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for you. You can actually read the book
16:47
Running on Empty, which would be interesting because it talks
16:49
about childhood emotional neglect, which is something that
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definitely has happened to a lot of people who have extreme
16:55
discomfort with sharing their emotion and as you go out in the
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world, whether it's with friends, or then with dates, or
17:03
with your kids, or anybody, Practice sharing more of your
17:07
feelings in real time. You know like in therapy.
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That's like the most transformative progress that you
17:16
can make is when I start to talk as the therapist about what I'm
17:21
experiencing in the room talking to the client because frequently
17:25
that's the only time they've ever gotten real time feedback.
17:28
That's called interpersonal, you know therapy and it's like an
17:32
approach but it also should be that it's the Hallmark of Of a
17:35
lot of approaches, psychodynamic and even some behavioral
17:38
approaches when when you can observe, how the client is
17:42
interacting in the room and give them real time feedback that is
17:46
transformative, you know? So like for example, if I feel
17:50
like I'm trying to ask a client, a direct question and they're
17:52
like wiggling out of it. I will say, like, it really
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seems like you're not comfortable talking about this,
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why? And that's like the only person
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that's going to say that in that person's life and then they
18:02
could be like, it could be like a real aha.
18:05
Moment and it is for a lot of clients.
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When the therapist calls out there classic like ways of
18:11
deflecting or disengaging or, you know, like wiggling out of
18:16
something, you know, because you don't get that kind of feedback.
18:19
But whatever you're doing in the therapy, room is probably what
18:22
you're doing with Dayton with your kids and with your friends
18:24
and what you did Growing Up and all of that.
18:27
So therapy can be very, very transformational in this regard
18:31
because a it gets you used to talk about your thoughts and
18:33
feelings but also So, whatever ways you have of being kind of
18:39
unpleasant, quite honestly to deal with, you know, the
18:43
therapist will likely bring up in some way or another, you
18:46
know. Like, you don't seem to be very
18:48
open to feedback or like, you know, if I ask you questions
18:51
about yourself, you tend to seem uncomfortable, you know?
18:54
And so this can be super helpful in terms of really coaching you
18:59
about how you come off and how to come off differently if
19:03
you're not getting your goals met.
19:05
Met in your interpersonal interactions such as you're not
19:08
getting the second date or the third date or whatever.
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All right, so I hope that you guys found this interesting and
19:14
I hope that it was new information for at least some of
19:17
you. And I will talk to you all soon.
19:20
Bye, guys.