Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Fake It Till You Make It With Parenting Too

Transcript

Fake It Till You Make It With Parenting Too · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, we are going to talk it about how to
• 0:11
  use, fake it till you make it with parenting also.
• 0:14
  So I talked about this in other regards and other podcasts
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  basically with the idea being that, yes, sometimes you have to
• 0:21
  change your behavior and your thought will follow versus the
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  other direction, which is what people want to happen, and are
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  more comfortable with with, which is that if you change your
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  thoughts, then magically your Will change because harder to
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  change Behavior, but sometimes you've got to intervene at the
• 0:38
  behavioral level in order to change the whole cycle of how
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  behaviors cognitions and emotions influence one.
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  Another before we get to that, I would like you to subscribe.
• 0:50
  The episode that I most recently had was on what kind of marital
• 0:57
  interactions outside the bedroom influence sexless marriages and
• 1:02
  your likelihood to be in a sexless marriage.
• 1:04
  And so this is the sort of personality traits and variables
• 1:07
  that I see in my practice tend to predict this and and how you
• 1:13
  can perhaps change. So that you're less likely
• 1:15
  eventually got into a sexless marriage or changing the one
• 1:18
  that you're already in or the low sex marriage that you maybe
• 1:21
  it. So that's the my most recent
• 1:24
  subscriber only episode that you will get to and there's also
• 1:26
  approximately 50 more. So let's move on to fake it till
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  you make it. So a lot of people particularly
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  if they're depressed stressed anxious.
• 1:35
  They find it hard to be the parent that they want to be, and
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  they also want to be genuine and they also want to be, you know,
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  real and realistic. And so they frequently get like
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  trapped in all of these things. They don't want to be some, some
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  crazy super parent that isn't even the goal is to be a perfect
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  parent, but they want to be a good parent, but then they're
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  getting in their own way. And the directions with kids are
• 2:01
  just getting increasingly worse. So, What's the balance between
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  being genuine? And I have a podcast on, be your
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  real self around your kids. You don't have to be like some
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  perfect storybook parent but what's the balance between that
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  and, you know, the Other Extreme which would be, you know, not
• 2:22
  like being a terrible parent, you know?
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  I mean if you're depressed and anxious and you're going to let
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  that completely influence your parenting, then you're not going
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  to be a good parent, you know, at all.
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  And you know that if you grow up with a depressed, Anxious
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  parent, that was untreated particularly.
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  So what is The Balancing Act here?
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  I mean, you really do want to think about how you can give
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  your kids a healthy and secure attachment with you meaning that
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  they feel that they can rely on you.
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  And that's the the variable that's most linked to a positive
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  relationship with your kid. But also to them having as
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  adults, positive relationships with attachment figures, which
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  will be there, you know, romantic.
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  Partners and even their own children one day.
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  So how can you be somebody who provides secure attachment?
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  Even when you are struggling and you may be struggling, not only
• 3:15
  with depression or anxiety, but also with trauma with substance
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  use with any variable individually or with a bad fit,
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  really of temperament between yourself and your child.
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  So like, you know, I talk about a lot people, sometimes people.
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  Mostly often often have favorite kids, you know, and this is
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  usually the one that in some way triggers their best self to come
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  out as a parent. Maybe it's the one who's the
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  most, like you, maybe it's someone who's not like you at
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  all. Maybe it's the one.
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  That's a gender that you have the least problems with from
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  your own upbringing. But either way, the way that
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  people act with this favored child and certainly never admit
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  that, you have a favorite child. But, you know, and I talked
• 4:01
  about this in posts one of my Two years ago, was somebody
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  wrote in, I have a favorite child and I an awful mom and I
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  was validating that she's not but you don't want to like tell
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  the kid, you know, as long as you and now we get to the point
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  of the topic as long as you fake it till you make it, then you're
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  okay. So what sorts of things should
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  you fake even if you're not in the mood?
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  Well, you should try to fake interest and what your kids are
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  interested in. Sometimes that's very, very hard
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  when they're interested in some boring shit and you are tapped
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  out and you're overworked and you're overstressed.
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  And you may be depressed. It's real hard to listen to.
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  And so, it's okay to say, yeah, I don't really want to listen to
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  Minecraft right now, but sometimes you got to listen to
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  Minecraft, right? So, like, sometimes you do, and
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  the problem with a lot of today's parents is, it's very
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  black and white. So they're trying to listen to
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  mine craft stores all the time. So then they end up every third.
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  Time exploding, don't listen to my craft stories, all the time,
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  to listen to them sometimes, fake it, till you make it
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  sometimes. They get till you make it.
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  When you are feeling like your best self and you can really
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  engage on this. Shit, when could you be feeling
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  like your best self? Well a good thing to do, if you
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  feel overwhelmed as a parents to schedule, special individual
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  time with each child that's when you can really bring their a
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  game and it doesn't really matter if you're in the mood or
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  not pretend like it's like something with a colleague or
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  your boss or even a friend, you would fake it till you made it
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  with them. And you would if you had a lunch
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  with your boss, you would not sit there like a bump on a log
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  on your phone. Definitely, wouldn't would bring
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  your A game? You would try to be
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  scintillating and Charming, and, you know, funny and interested
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  and involved and whatever. So, try to do that during the
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  special time with your kid, if you, it doesn't matter if you
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  want to, like it's just something you gotta do
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  periodically. So, what they say, with special
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  time with little kids and I don't see much difference with
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  older kids honestly, is that this special time should be no
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  instruction. No question and like know.
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  No teaching them. No, no learning, no, no, nothing
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  stressful, and no questions. You're just literally observing
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  what they do on talking for older children.
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  Just talking about what they want to talk about.
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  We let them lead the conversation act engage don't
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  ask a lot of questions. People think that asking
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  questions means you're interested is really just
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  stressful. Honestly, for most children
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  until they become really older, you know, like maybe tween teen
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  etcetera, but Little kids like it.
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  When you're saying like, how is your day today?
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  All it means is stress for a kid, that's not super verbal.
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  Some kids will go off and talk about it but some kids are just
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  like all they're ever going to say is good.
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  So like if you're trying to have special time with the kid who
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  just says, good just like go bowling or go to the park or
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  take a walk and just whatever they talk about or whatever,
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  they don't talk about, your just their Pleasant and engaged, you
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  could do something like this once a week with each of your
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  kids for like Like, even just 20 to 30 minutes, you'll be doing
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  better than a lot of people who are struggling with parenting.
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  So that if you have a lot of kids and you got to figure out
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  how to have individual time with them, doesn't have to be every
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  day, you know? And honestly, most people can't
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  do that every day, but you can do a probably, once a week in
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  some regard or another. Some people use bedtime as the
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  time to have special time with each kid and talk about the day
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  a little bit and cuddle and whatever.
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  So that's good too so if you could bring your A-game to that,
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  so you are Baking. Now for real, you're being you
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  are faking being interested, relaxed, calm and happy, you
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  can't do that for 20 to 30 minutes then you got to work on
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  yourself. So then you you still have to
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  fake it because your parents just how it goes, but you should
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  be then, going to therapy thinking about whether your
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  career is sucking out, your soul, thinking about whether
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  your marriage may be doing the same thinking about why you were
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  in such a bad place all the time that you cannot really parent.
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  Well, And you know, if this is you like if this is you you
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  know, that you're not really present when you're talking to
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  your kids because you have so much of your own shit going on.
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  So and I may be sometimes but it may be more of the time that you
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  would like and a lot of women struggle with depression and
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  when you're depressed it's really really hard to be
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  present. And if you're on the clock at
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  work and you're getting paid for it, that's a hell of a lot more
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  immediate and Urgent incentive. Then when your kid is just like,
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  you know, rambling like possibly being annoying.
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  Saying some rude shit. Also like it doesn't make you,
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  it doesn't spark the same sort of urgency to respond as your
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  best self but you got to fake it and if you fake it and you do
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  have a good interaction with your kid that is going to build
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  its going to start a foundation from which you can build.
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  So then you can build up on that.
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  You could say, okay yesterday I felt like shit but you know
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  what? I still played connect for, you
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  know for like 15 minutes long as 15 minutes of my life but I did
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  it and my Kid was happy and then you know you then tomorrow maybe
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  not today. I can't do connect for again
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  today but then tomorrow maybe I could do something like that
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  again. And he'll like it again and if
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  you can really I work with a lot of Mom's actually it's
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  interesting a lot of moms who can bond with their baby which
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  is considered the super taboo topic and I understand why like
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  I feel super shameful but there's always a good reason for
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  it and the woman's attachment history or in the stressors that
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  she's going through right then and her life.
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  During the pregnancy and or birth that precluded bonded and
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  this is totally understandable how this would happen but women
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  think it's extremely shameful. And so I have a lot of women who
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  think that they're like a bad mom because it can bond with
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  your baby, but then I asked him, what are you doing all the time?
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  They're still doing all the right stuff and I'm like, you're
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  great mop, you are a great mom. Your baby doesn't know that you
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  didn't bond with your baby and you're going to work on it.
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  And we're going to figure out why it didn't bond with your
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  baby and all of these things. And then by By the time they're
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  a little more observing you live bonded, or you going to be so
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  close. That, it'll be indistinguishable
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  and or in a case where you never bond to your baby, which have
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  not seen in a case where you never ever combined your baby at
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  any stage, which includes like ever like in 10 years and 20
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  years, you never ever like them. You can still act the right way
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  and know that you did the right thing and then be even more
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  proud of yourself than somebody who effortlessly bonds with
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  their baby. So it's super easy for them to
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  be a loving mother for you. It may be harder but you're
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  going to be able to do it then if you act the right way then
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  you will have actually done something incredibly meaningful
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  and difficult and that you could always be proud of knowing you
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  did the right thing. So a little version of that is
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  helpful for any parent, that's struggling to think about
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  because you may love your kid, you may be bonded to your kid,
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  but your own issues and or their issues that are comparing kids
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  with ADHD. Hard to pair and kids with
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  behavioral issues hard to pair and kids on the Spectrum.
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  All these are real things and, you know, sensory issues,
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  there's a lot of things that make kids hard to parent even if
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  you love them and have bonded to them, but if you can fake really
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  being interested and happy and engaged just a little bit, I
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  like as much as you can at least once a week, then you can build
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  on that up till where it's every day, you kind of know.
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  Okay, at this this time I bring my a game and then frequently
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  remember, depression and children's issues they wax and
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  they Wayne and sometimes it'll it will be easy and effortless
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  and sometimes it won't. But if you tell yourself that,
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  when you don't feel good, you don't kind of have to engage.
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  That's a slippery slope. You always have to engage at
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  least regularly. You know, if course you have to
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  meet their needs every day. Day.
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  But you have to kind of bring your A game such as it is, let's
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  say, at least once a week, that could be a good guiding
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  principle. And this could be for just a,
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  you know, like as I said, 20 30 minute walk or something people
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  have memories of parents that were barely even around.
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  Like men will say, you know, I didn't even really see.
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  My daddy was working so much but every so often he would take me
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  to a baseball game, you know, she was a great guys working for
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  our Emily and I love my dad and I know we couldn't be there for
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  me all the time, but you took me to a baseball game ever.
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  So often we had fun. So people that say stuff like
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  that, like this is proof that that guy did not need to be
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  around all the time to have established a loving
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  relationship with his son, but when he was at the baseball
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  game, he actually acted happy to be there and love it.
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  So while of course, basic needs of children, need to be met
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  every day. And ideally, this child would
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  have been with his father more. There's still the possibility.
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  T that even if you cannot bring your A-game every day.
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  You even if you're just bring it, sometimes that that is is
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  going to be good and certainly better than never doing it,
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  which is the situation of some people who are listening, who
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  feel really in a hole and in a bad place, vis-à-vis their
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  relationship with their child. So hopefully you found this to
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  be useful as a reframe, you can be proud of yourself, if you
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  fake it till you make it one parenting.
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  You, you only, you know how hard it is for?
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  You the harder something is if you do it, the more proud of
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  yourself you can be. And if it is very, very hard for
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  you to connect with your child, you are likely struggling with
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  depression. It could be situationally
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  induced by the fact that they were difficult child, quite
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  honestly, and the child. And your relationship with them
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  is nowhere near what you envisioned your relationship
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  being with a child. So in that case, therapy can be
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  transformative because you can more objectively understand why
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  the bad parts of your relationship have occurred how
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  you could interact differently. Why?
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  You are being triggered frequently.
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  It's because your kid reminds you of somebody hint.
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  It's going to be one of your parents might be your spouse.
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  But I've talked about this before in a lot of my podcasts
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  like why you don't like your kid, why your kid is so annoying
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  etcetera. So you can refer back to those
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  also so if this one does not apply to you because it's so
• 14:25
  huge parenting so easy for you. That's wonderful but that is
• 14:30
  fewer people than one would think or then then If you're one
• 14:35
  of those people, you think most people are like you.
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  They are not many, many people struggle with at least some
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  aspects of parenting with some children.
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  And kind of don't have a working model for.
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  What should I do when I just don't want to be around them?
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  And yes, you everybody knows yes.
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  You got to keep feeding them, you know, you gotta keep giving
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  him shelter but also try every so often.
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  And again, I say weekly as a guideline try to do a bonding,
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  Ting activity. Nothing hard, nothing.
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  The kid actually doesn't like but you want them to start
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  liking and then you would like them or if they liked it, you
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  know, if this is you you know you trying to play sports that
• 15:15
  cater does want to play sports Etc.
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  But anyway, so if this is something that you struggle
• 15:22
  with, also you can share this with your partner and say, you
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  know, this is something I struggle with and I'm going to
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  be trying to do this more to fake it till I make it and to
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  get, you know, these things on the calendar or like every
• 15:32
  Saturday morning, I'm going to take You know, our daughter that
• 15:35
  barely says, two words to me because she's a teenager.
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  I'm going to take her to Starbucks, that's what we're
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  going to do. And I'm going to give him my
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  game face on for an hour. Talk about what other ever
• 15:44
  bullshit she wants. And so if you start to do
• 15:46
  something like that, you may feel a lot better about yourself
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  which then in turn will pick up your mood etcetera, Etc, and of
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  the in a virtuous cycle, alright?
• 15:54
  Hope you guys found this useful. Thanks so much for subscribing.
• 16:00
  If you have, if you have not, you should do that right now and
• 16:03
  I'll talk to you all soon.