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Why Rushing Always Fails With Avoidants · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Any time people try to get back together with anyone, they
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  usually say the same thing. We're going to take it slow.
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  But then what happens? They do it for like a week,
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  maybe 2, and then they speed everything up.
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  And that's why a lot of reconnections fail.
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  And when avoidance is involved, rushing doesn't just hurt, it
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  kills the whole thing. And what's interesting is that
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  author Robert Greene explained why this happens years ago,
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  especially in the art of seduction.
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  But people just ignore it once emotions kick in.
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  So if you're new here, hi, my name is Lucia.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
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  And welcome back my beautiful no contact Army.
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  I hope you've been a good little soldier and stayed in no
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  contact. So I want to be clear about
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  something before we go any further.
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  Taking it slow does not come first.
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  Before you even think about pacing, you need to know whether
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  getting back together even makes any sense.
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  And in my video about the six questions to ask your ex before
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  you get back together, which I will link in the upper right
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  hand corner on the YouTube video, not to be confused with
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  the YouTube podcast, I talk about what you should always ask
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  before agreeing to get back together.
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  Things like, well, why should I take you back and why did you
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  change your mind and what's going to be different this time?
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  And three other questions that deal with accountability and
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  follow through. And if those questions don't
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  have solid answers, then taking it slow is not going to save
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  you. You're just dragging out the
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  same ending. So the order matters.
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  First the six questions, then taking it slow.
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  Now avoidance don't move forward through talking.
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  So let me be very clear about the timing.
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  These questions are not relationship talk.
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  They're not reconnection talk their decision questions and you
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  ask them after the person says they want to get back together,
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  but before you agree to anything.
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  So not on the first casual coffee, not while you're
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  catching up, and not weeks later once you've already gone back in
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  emotionally. So when they say, well, I want
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  to try again or something similar to that, they're not
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  going to necessarily use those exact words.
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  That's when you slow it down and say, OK, I'm open to talking
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  about it, but I need to ask a few questions first.
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  I need to understand a few things first.
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  And then that's when you ask the questions.
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  And then once those questions are asked and answered in a
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  suitable, acceptable way with great answers, then you stop
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  talking about it. So no more processing, no more
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  rehashing, no more where's this going?
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  Because at that point, words are done, and then behavior takes
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  over. And that's where taking it slow
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  begins. Not with more talking, but with
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  controlled behavior. Now, avoidance don't leave
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  because there's no attraction. They leave because things feel
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  like too much too fast. So when they come back and you
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  rush again, then you just recreate the exact conditions
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  that made them leave the first time.
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  And that's where Robert Greene's work becomes very relevant in
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  The artist The Art of Seduction. He says absence strengthens real
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  desire and exposes weak desire. And this applies to everyone,
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  but it especially applies to avoidance.
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  If attraction is real then space helps it to grow, and if it's
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  weak then no amount of closeness will fix it.
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  That's why you always hear absence makes your heart grow
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  fonder. Yes, but only if there was real
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  attraction to begin with. Otherwise it's out of sight out
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  of mind. Now most people will panic the
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  second that contact resumes and they remove all space.
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  So they do the constant texting, the frequent meetups, the
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  emotional availability on demand.
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  And that does not build attraction.
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  It suffocates it. And with avoidance, relief has
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  to come before desire because especially for FAS, it's all
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  about relief. Now, Green also talks about
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  eagerness. And this is also where people
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  mess up. And it's not about playing
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  games. It's about not signaling relief.
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  So the moment you act like I'm so glad you're back, even though
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  you don't, I've been waiting, let's lock this in.
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  You are creating pressure avoidance.
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  Do not move towards pressure. They shut down.
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  And most people rush not because they're manipulative, but
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  because they're anxious. But it's the same result.
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  And Green is very clear about tempo.
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  He says Whoever controls the pace controls the dynamic.
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  So what does taking it slow actually look like?
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  It looks like coffee, not dinner.
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  It looks like ending the meeting early.
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  It looks like one hour, not 3. And I talked about this in my
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  video titled Never give this to an X and I will put the link in
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  the upper right hand corner on the YouTube video, not podcast.
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  Now people think longer equals deeper.
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  No, it doesn't. Long, intense Hangouts
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  overwhelm, so short contain meetings leave curiosity and you
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  because you always want to leave them wanting more.
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  And that's what keeps an avoidant engaged.
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  Now, Robert Greene also says the more you explain, the weaker you
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  appear. And this is where people think
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  they're being mature and they mess everything up.
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  They want to talk about what went wrong, how much they've
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  grown, where this is going. Avoidance.
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  Don't reconnect because of conversations.
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  They reconnect because something feels different.
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  So let behavior do the work. Remember, you already have the
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  conversation with the six questions.
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  Talking too much too soon kills momentum.
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  Now in the artist deduction, he also said the person who invests
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  more becomes emotionally exposed.
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  So if the avoidant reached out, let them suggest the next
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  meeting, let them lean forward again, let them keep opening the
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  door. If you take over the pacing
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  because you're nervous, attraction flips and it is not
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  going to flip in your favor. Now, Robert Greene also talks
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  about the importance of withdrawing before interest
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  fades. And that's why ending meetings
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  early matters. You don't wait until the energy
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  dies, You leave when it's still good.
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  Not dramatically, not coldly, just cleanly.
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  And that's how interest stays alive.
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  People don't fail at going slow because they don't understand
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  it. They fail because uncertainty is
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  uncomfortable. I understand slowing down feels
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  like it's losing control, but it's not.
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  And rushing feels soothing, But that's only temporary.
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  Most people rush to calm themselves, but calming yourself
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  by speeding up is exactly how you blow the reconnection.
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  And by the way, if you're thinking I know I shouldn't
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  rush, but I can't help myself, that's normal.
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  Most people can't hold this line on their own once emotions are
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  involved. And that's where I commend.
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  That's where coaching helps and it keeps you from messing things
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  up in real time. So you can contact me at
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  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
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  They are not on the website and that link is underneath every
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  single video and podcast. Along with the link to my book
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  No Contact Secrets where you can read 2 free chapters and also my
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  app Silencio which will help you stay in no contact if you are
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  not yet at the point where you are reconnecting with an X.
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  And again, all the links are underneath every video and
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  podcast. So to recap, first ask the six
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  questions, then take it slow that order matters.
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  Robert Green explained the strategy avoidance.
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  Prove it. In real life, if you control the
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  pace, you control the outcome. So now I want to hear from you.
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  Do you have any questions about anything I said something you
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  don't understand? And also let me know how long
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  have you been in no contact and how is it going?
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  And in the meantime, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out
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  on any future videos or podcasts.
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  And be sure to hit the bell notification.
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  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.