Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / Roommates, Not Lovers (Part 2 of 10) 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage

Transcript

Roommates, Not Lovers (Part 2 of 10) 10 Things That Can Make or Break Your Marriage · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: All right. Now are we rolling?
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, we're rolling.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Sorry about that.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: That's okay.
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: We got mics. We got my spark.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: And I got my big green.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: We'll shake it up.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: Like a gallon.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Big green smoothies are good. Remember when I posted that
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: video of me making the big green smoothie back at
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Rolling Acres?
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: No.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was... That's funny. I think I was showing
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: off the Vitamix.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 0:42
  Speaker 4: We've had our Vitamix for, man, like 15 years.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: It's a lifetime warranty on that... It's great. that motor
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: and all the components, the blade. But, I mean, talk
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: about something that's... We went through like four blenders before
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: we got that because... We're putting a lot of ice
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: cubes in there with everything else. You know, lots of
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: doing that cold, frozen goodness.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: It's good. Remember John and Jessica Rolfe.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Hey, hey. Shout out to the Rolfe.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: They lived with us.
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: One time when they first moved here and bought us
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: a blender.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: They also conceived.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Conceived their first child in our guest room.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: That had twin beds. Oh, that was.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Rob and Laura Petri for all the old folks out there.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: uh anyway dick vandyke show couldn't show him sleeping in
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: the same bed no dick vandyke and mary tyler moore
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: i think they were.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: On to something you sleep better you sleep.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Better when i was like where are you going with
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: this onto something what they were they were onto something
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: all right oh no.
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: Stop but anyway so they that was a thank you
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: they knew that we had our eye on a vitamix
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: and they're expensive i guess maybe they're a little cheaper
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: these days but They were very expensive. And so as
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: a thank you, they bought us a red Vitamix.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: We always saw them at the state fair, and you
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: think it's just a scam, right? It's a fair, but
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: they're worth their weight in gold. And so whatever they're worth,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, with a lifetime guarantee. Yeah, Vitamix sent us
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: another one for free with all this free advertising you're getting.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: So why don't.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: We- Let's talk about a couple of things coming up.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: So.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Before we jump into episode two, it's part two of
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: our 10-part series today.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: Welcome.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: So I think the first thing that's on our mind
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: is at the end of this month, September 30th, we
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: have an evening for the long haul. Yep. So if
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: you are local and can come to Justin Coffee Co.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: on a Wednesday night at 630, evening for the long haul...
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: We will share our heart. We will share our excitement.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: We will share our vision. We'll have a testimony from
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: a couple of different couples. And really just kind of
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: where we're going with Long Haul Marriage is and how
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: you can partner with us.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: We need you.
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: And so what if I just can't wait? I can't
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: wait because it's really a fun thing for me. Anytime
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: I'm out and about and I meet somebody and they say, well,
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: how's it going? Or tell me what you do or whatever.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: I love telling people.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: About long-term marriage. Yeah, it's been great. It's been great.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: And it's always fun to To see the faces of
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: people that want to partner with us and are interested
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: in what we do, whether they're clients or sending, referring
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: clients or people who want to partner with us and
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: support the ministry. It's just, man, what a great story
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: to tell because of, you know, just like today, a
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: couple that we... that was referred to us. And then
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: we met with them and we ended up doing pre
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: premarital and then premarital and then actually performed their wedding ceremony.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: And then they referred someone to us. So thank you
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: guys for that. And so that's, that's the way it goes.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: And those stories are always, uh, so yeah, yeah, just great.
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: So looking forward to that 930 for an evening for
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: the long haul, uh, good food over Justin coffee co. Yeah.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: That's what I call it.
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So let us know if you've got more questions
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: about that. But we will be having a silent auction
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: as one of the fun things. So we've got some
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: fun donations that are coming in. Yep.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: That's awesome.
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: 100% of the proceeds will go to long haul marriage.
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: So that's super fun into this month. And then be
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: watching in October. We're still nailing down details for doing
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: a marriage workshop like we've done at Justin Coffee.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: Will this be our fourth?
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: Fourth or fifth.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: Anyway.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: That's what a great, great host. We love them over
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: there and they love us. And it's a great partnership there.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: And then you want to talk about Evergreen. That's coming
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: up too.
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: I do.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: I do.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: So let me hear it.
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: That's moving into November. So November 6th through 8th.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: Sorry. November 6th through 8th. And remember we talked about
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: the disappointment when you missed on that, that first Airbnb,
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: but then what happened? What happened? Tell us.
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: Another one, a new one, a beautiful one came along.
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: So I think it's going to be perfect. We have
• 5:27
  Speaker 4: spots for 24 ladies and we have 19 signed up
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: so far. So we've got five more spots left.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Hurry, they're going past.
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: If you're hearing this and you feel a little nudge,
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: a little love shove, and want to know more information,
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: you can follow us on, just look up Evergreen Women. Also,
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: if you go to our website, longhaulmarriage.org, you'll see a
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: tab at the top that says Evergreen, and click on that,
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: and that will tell you all about the workshop coming
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: up in November.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: Not workshop. Good grief. Retreat.
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: Evergreen retreat coming up in November. Would love for you
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: to join us in beautiful broken bow.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: So beautiful.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: What I got broken bow and it'll be a little
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: cooler in November. We hope it should be. It's going
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: to be a little cooler. And speaking of love shoves,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: So part two of our series, we're going to call
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: this roommates, not lovers. How about that?
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: So we're going to talk about, and I think before
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: we even started this 10 part series, we had touched
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: on this, the emotional disconnection that many, many couples feel
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: that we have definitely felt over time and through the years.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: But you know, you're in trouble when you can run
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: a household together perfectly, but you don't actually enjoy being
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: together anymore. And so I want to talk about first,
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: just how couples gradually become kind of logistical partners. I remember, uh,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: there were, there were times where I'd come home from
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: work and at this time, you know, you, you were
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: working outside the home for a long time. And then
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: while you stayed home and kept kids, depending on their age,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: you'd always pick up a side hustle, you know, and
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: sometimes you were doing, you know, direct sales stuff. I Um,
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: a lot of times you were there and, um, when
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I came home and I'd, you know, Carson meet me
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: in the driveway holding, you know, he, he's, he's on
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: his ripstick and he's handing me my ripstick. Cause he
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: would play tag on the ripstick back when, you know,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: I wasn't scared about falling and breaking my hip, but, uh,
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: we would, and you know, or here, here he comes
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: with the basketball dad, dad, dad. And you want to,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: you know, so you're diving in to that. Tired from work,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: and I always say, you know, your job really begins
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: at 5 o'clock or whenever you get home, 7. And
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: when you walk over that threshold, that's your main job.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: So if you need to get an energy drink or
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: get some caffeine, whatever you need to pep yourself up
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: to be up for that. But a lot of times, though,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: as far as us, I'd walk in the door, and
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I remember a lot of times you would start going
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: through the list of stuff that kind of needed attention,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: maybe stuff that went wrong, stuff around the house. You'd
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: hand me some bad stuff. news that came in the mail.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I remember just that some of the, some of the
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: times you would just hand me some mail and I'm like,
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: that would just kind of set the night up, set
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: the tone for the night. It's like, okay, here's my,
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: here's my roommate giving me or my partner as far
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: as running the house. Right. Um, and, and so sometimes
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: that would just, I mean, set the tone. We're going
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: to connect at that level, but it wasn't, Hey, how
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: was your day? how are you doing? Or here's how
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I'm feeling right now. It was just like, yada, yada,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: here we go. We got some stuff to do before
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: dinner and we're going to do dinner. We're going to
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: get the kids to bed. And then if we have
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: any time left over and any energy left over, we
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: may watch something on TV. But very little connection through
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: many years of our marriage.
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah. And to me, I felt like man, I had
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: been in this influx of stuff coming in from the kids.
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: Women carry so much of the mental load. Not that
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: men don't, but women from work, if you work outside
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: the home, but then as far as everything that needs
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: to be taken care of with the kids. Like, oh,
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: he needs new cleats or he lost his mouthpiece or
• 9:39
  Speaker 4: she needs something for the flute or You know, whatever
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: it is that we need to sign these papers, we
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: need to go to the store tonight and get this
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: for a project that's due apparently tomorrow. You know, just
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: a million different things or, you know, one of them
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: may have strep. Whatever it is, there's just a million
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: things wrong. running underneath the surface all the time. And
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: I felt like I kind of had to, like the
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: minute you got in, I kind of needed to grab
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: your attention because then we were going to be off
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: and running for the rest of the evening with the kids,
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: you know. So it really is like, okay, this is
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: a little bit of time I can grab him and
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: catch him up on some things from the day I
• 10:21
  Speaker 4: wasn't realizing what that was doing to kind of overwhelm you,
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: you know, instead of just giving you a few minutes
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: when you came in, you know, but anyway, it.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: We remember years of that.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: And me giving you a few minutes of, uh, more
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: personal time instead of just the business stuff, again, the logistics. Uh,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: but in, in this, we're going to talk about a
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: lot of stuff today or during this series that for
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: sure applies to, uh, married couples, young married couples, let's
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: say with no kids. But on that right there, I mean,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: in other words, people that aren't parents yet, but couples
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: that are parents, a lot of times parenting becomes the marriage.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: It replaces the marriage, right? Just your role as mom
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: and dad. And so if you stay in that mode
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: and you put the kids front and center, and because again,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: they require a lot of attention. And like you said,
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: the activities, the sports, oh my gosh, during football season,
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: and we loved it. but I'm driving around to Dick's
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: Sporting Goods or trying to find some, you know, cheaper
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: place in Denton, you know, for like you said, cleats
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: and pads and the certain girdle that they need, or this, this,
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: you know, the mouthpieces and, you know, all of this stuff.
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: So that becomes, um, you know, if we're not careful,
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: you start to become emotionally disconnected from your spouse because
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: you're just parents and yeah, you're bonding together as you
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: raise kids. Um, But many times, I mean, if you
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: allow it, because we learned we had to sit and
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: talk about even the parenting issues, not just do it,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: but sit and talk about what does Chandler need right now?
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: What does Christian need? What does Carson need? And they're different.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: There's not just one template that you overlay all the
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: kids because, as all parents know, all your kids are
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: so different and they have individualized needs. And so if
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: you're paying attention, there's a lot of stuff to talk
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: through there. And that can make you closer, right? But
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: if you're just running and gunning, it's hard.
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: Those guys are just in your face like, rah, rah, rah.
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: This is what I need. And that's what sometimes gets
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: your first attention. So I think with marriage, so many
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: times we can just allow that to kind of go.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: By the wayside. It's on the back burner sometimes.
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: And before we know it, there's this neglect, this emotional
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: neglect that you didn't really mean for it to happen,
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: but you just did. And the other person just kind
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: of lives their life and you live their life.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: If you look at it.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: Like there's... So there's like a little plant that we
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: have in our sunroom, one lone plant, because I'm not
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: great with plants.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: And maybe that should tell me something.
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: But if you pay attention... When you walk by it
• 13:13
  Speaker 4: and you see, wow, that's looking, like Rue would say,
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: that's looking a little sad, you know? And so you
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: can see the plant, and obviously it's been neglected.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: And that's easy enough.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: I'll go get water and give it some water. I
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: maybe need to move it to a different location.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: But you pay attention.
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: You can see, obviously, there's been some neglect. Sometimes emotional
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: neglect with your spouse in your marriage, it can go.
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: Unnoticed, because your spouse just, you know, he's a big boy,
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: she's a big girl, they can take care of themselves,
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: they seem like they're doing okay. And it can just
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: kind of be under the surface, this underlying, I'm not
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: paying attention to you. Our relationship isn't like at the
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: forefront of our mind. And so sometimes we can emotionally
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: neglect our our spouse or our marriage without even knowing it.
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: So sometimes when I think of that as you picture
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: the marriage, like holy and sacred set apart, like this,
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: this thing, like picture it kind of like a baby.
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: You would never just like leave a baby in their crib,
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: you know, like you're, you're going to pay attention. You're
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: going to give the baby, you're going to give the
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: plant what they need to thrive and to grow and,
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: And I think sometimes our marriage can be the last
• 14:37
  Speaker 4: thing on that list.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: And because you're, in this case, as we've talked about
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: being parents, because that does require so much attention, and
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: it's a good thing, right? You want to be good parents. Yes.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: You want to be a good father, a good mother.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: But when you become mom and dad instead of sweethearts,
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: You know, I think we've said this before. I started
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: calling you mommy. You call me dad. Hey, dad. Hey, mom.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: And now it's Mimi and Papa. But you start to
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: call each other. That's all you hear the kids calling you.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: And that, again, you want to talk emotional neglect. The
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: marriage has just become a back burner thing because the
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: kids and the parenting have taken over. Sometimes during that
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: kind of season, I remember, too, when you're just on
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: to the next thing. You know, did you pay that bill?
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: What time is practice? Who's getting groceries? You know, what's
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: on the, you know, the to-do list? Sometimes you don't
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: feel appreciated for the things because, man, it's a long list, man.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: And stuff is coming and life's happening. But sometimes just
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: taking that time to appreciate your partner can make you feel, again,
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: more like you're emotionally connected. Mm-hmm.
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: I will say just kudos to you. I think you've
• 15:56
  Speaker 4: been really good at showing appreciation for a long time.
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: I think you are just really good at it. So
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: just thank you.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: And well, I had a lot of help on that
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: because once I heard the Carters talk about how showing appreciation,
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: you know, doing two things, don't criticize and then thank
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: your partner often and be specific. That's really, they said that'll,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: change your entire marriage. And that really has revolutionized ours
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: because we try to really notice and say thank you
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: for specific things. So thank you for noticing that. Thank
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: you for saying thank you. So a lot of times
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: people think then when you're in this, the inverted bell
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: curve of marital satisfaction a lot of times starts happening
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: when you start having kids because you start to feel
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: like roommates, you're disconnected, you're not lovers anymore. I mean,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: you're changing diapers and mom's maybe breastfeeding. It's like, what
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: happened to us, the sweethearts and the lovers? And again,
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: I do want to make sure that people that aren't
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: having kids are going to get something out of this.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: But just on that, many times we say, obviously, intentional,
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: emotional connection is the key. But how do we do it?
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: Sometimes date night is thrown around. But many times I
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: hear this. People are like, I'm scared to go on
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: date night. A, we don't have the money for date night.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: or B, when we go out, we have nothing to
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: talk about, or we end up talking about the kids.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: And we're looking at our, you know, we're looking at
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: our clocks and going, mate, you know, this needs to happen.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: This needs to happen. Childcare maybe is sometimes hard to
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: come by at certain ages, obviously. So that cannot be
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: the answer to what we're talking about. Just, and hear me,
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I'm all for date nights. If you can figure all
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: that out, it's great. That's a great thing to continue
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: to do, you know, dating your spouse instead of just
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: like they're, again, they're my roommate. But so we have
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: to maintain, there has to be a deep friendship that
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: you're connected on an emotional level and you're still curious
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: about your partner and have that friendship as a foundation,
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: literally as like a cornerstone foundation that you're not going
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: to let erode, right?
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: Sometimes I think when you throw out that, you know,
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: the date night is kind of the remedy to everything.
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: Date night is really helpful when all other nights of
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: the week or all other days or mornings of the
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: week you've.
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: Dated each other.
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: And so you're maintaining, you're appreciating all the things that
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: we've already talked about. When those are done all during
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: the week, you're keeping up with communication, all of those things,
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: then date night is just a time to go and
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: kind of celebrate everything. your love, celebrate each other to
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: have a night away. If it's a cost issue, man,
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: put the kids down and cook dinner together or, I
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: don't know, door dash something or just have a time
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: where you can go. If it's pretty, it's not 108.
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: Go sit outside together and have a glass of wine
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: or a green smoothie, whatever your jam is. But I
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: think sometimes when you just throw a date night at it,
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: It's like, let's go back to the plant analogy. Sometimes
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: the way I treat my plants, it's not okay. And
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: this is how maybe we have treated our marriage in
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: the past. We don't maintain it. We don't nurture it
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: every single day. So like, you know, every couple of
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: days you need to check on that plant. Are there places,
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: are there Things I need to prune, take off some
• 19:34
  Speaker 4: of those dead leaves, give it some water, maybe some
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: plant food, maybe I need to.
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: Move it, whatever.
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: What I tend to do is walk by it and go,
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: oh my gosh, that's on its last leg. Let me
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: go douse it with so much water. And it's just drowning.
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: It's like, good grief. Could you just span this out
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: a little bit during the week instead of just kill
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: me all at once with this gallon of water that
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: you're pouring in here? So that same thing can be
• 20:04
  Speaker 4: applied to marriage and maybe even like a date night.
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: If you just.
• 20:08
  Speaker 4: you know, once in a blue moon, go, let's go
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: have a date night. That's going to fix everything. That's
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: like dousing a bunch of water on it going, maybe
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: this'll bring it back. This'll be the life support that
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: we need. And yes, it is helpful, but it can
• 20:24
  Speaker 4: be awkward when you haven't talked on an emotional level
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: all week long, or maybe for two weeks, and you
• 20:32
  Speaker 4: sit across the table at some kind of yummy Mexican
• 20:34
  Speaker 4: food restaurant or, you know, a good steak or whatever.
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: And you're like, I don't know the first thing to
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: talk about to this person.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: And we've seen that.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: It feels awkward.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: You say I'm nosy. But I do notice people around
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: us at restaurants.
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: And I think you do too now a little bit.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: That's a whole other conversation too. They're on their phones. Yeah.
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: They're either on their phones.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Or one's just staring out into space.
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: Or they're just like.
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: Looking around, not talking at all. And so anyway.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: And that can happen. I mean, I think, again, all
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: this stuff is so normal. But we have to. So
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: what do we do about it? Because we're functioning, but
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: we're not connecting. And so I think what a lot
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: of couples get wrong, and I know we get this wrong,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: and this will move into the bedroom, and next week
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: we're going to have the sex conversation.
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: But it's definitely true for that as well. But I
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: think people, it's like what couples get wrong is they
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: wait until they feel close before spending time together, and
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: we need to flip that. Flip it, yeah. We need
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: to connect. And because connection often happens after spending intentional time.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: So connection often follows intentional time together. And so if
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: you remember that, it's like, okay, so we need to do,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: we need to spend some intentional time together. And one
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: thing I want to, I know we've said it like
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: a million times, I feel like on this podcast. a
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: little goes a long way. It's not like, okay, let's
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: go for a weekend. Let's take a vacation. The 10 minute,
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: you mentioned going outside, watching the sunset. We used to
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: talk about sitting in our egg chairs. We hadn't done
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: that in a while because it's 110 degrees. But how
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: 10 minutes with no phone, or I say, hey, sweetheart,
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: and I grab your hand, let's go for a walk
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: right after dinner. 15 minutes, a 15 minute walk with
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: no phones, just talking, holding hands, And a lot of times, hey,
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: I feel connected because we spent that time together. It's
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: not like, oh, I want to feel connected before I
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: spend any time with you. Then it'll never happen, right?
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: So kind of flip that, do the chicken or the
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: egg thing, and put that on its head and say,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: we're going to spend... Just try it. That's going to
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: be our challenge, okay? That's our challenge for the week.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: We want you to spend one hour this week with
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: no logistics, no talking about the sports schedule, no talking
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: about the finances, no talking about the to-do list around
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: the house. And if that slips in, okay, and you
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: can make it fun, but just one hour. And if
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: you have to do that in two 30-minute deals, great.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: If you have to do three 20-minute deals, whatever, that's fine.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: But we want you to spend one hour with, I'm
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: going to say, no phones and no logistics conversations. That
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: is our weekly challenge.
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: So if you're a spouse, if you're not both listening
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: to this, this might look like you going to your
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: spouse this week, like you and I just did about
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: a week ago where we looked at each other and said, man,
• 23:31
  Speaker 4: we really miss each other. And like I was in tears,
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: like I really miss you. And then later that night,
• 23:37
  Speaker 4: of course, I was in the pool, my happy place.
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: And you said, hey, I'm going to go. Put on
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: my suit and join you. And there are probably other
• 23:44
  Speaker 4: things you wanted to do in that moment. But that
• 23:47
  Speaker 4: was intentional. That was intentional on our parts, looking at
• 23:51
  Speaker 4: each other, knowing what we both felt.
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: We miss each other.
• 23:55
  Speaker 4: So it might be you hear this podcast, but your
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: spouse isn't listening. So it's you going to them saying, hey,
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: can we stop for a second? I really miss you.
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: And I want to spend some time with you. And
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: I was listening to this podcast. I was listening to
• 24:09
  Speaker 4: Brian and Jamie. And they have this challenge that I'd
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: love for us to kind of take on. So one
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: hour this week, and we're not supposed to bring up
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: logistics at all. No kids, no phones. It can be
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: 30 minutes if we need to. But here are even
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: like a couple of things we'll throw up.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: Oh, okay.
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: So we might tell them, you know, like write down,
• 24:32
  Speaker 4: like if you have to have some things at the ready. Okay.
• 24:34
  Speaker 4: Something you're excited about. So each of you share something
• 24:38
  Speaker 4: you're excited about or maybe that you're looking forward to.
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: And then something you've always wanted to do. Something you've
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: always been that you've wanted to do or maybe something
• 24:50
  Speaker 4: that you're interested in. Like, I know this sounds crazy,
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: but I think it would be fun to do this.
• 24:55
  Speaker 4: Something that you've always wanted.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: To do or.
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: a favorite memory together. Go down memory lane, talk about
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: a favorite trip or a favorite date or most embarrassing moment.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: I was about to say, one of my favorite things
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: to do is us to rehearse our, go back through
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: all of our most embarrassing, you know, when we flipped
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: a table in Colorado and we got, you know, laughed
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: out of our front row seat at the show at
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: the symphony orchestra because we were, you know, in the
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: wrong place. That was fun. Anyway, so don't wait until
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: you miss your spouse to start dating them again.
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: You go date them and then see about your connection
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: after that. And before we sign off, just real quickly,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: just shifting gears, speaking of memory lane, I thought the
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: other day about, I don't know why it wasn't on
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: our bucket list, because it should have been, is our
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: trip to the Holy Lands. Somebody brought up their trip
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: to Israel. I was talking to this couple about that.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: And they said, you know, they love that part. It
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: was a little salty, but they loved where they got
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: to float because they got in the Dead Sea.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: Oh, my gosh. That's so dumb.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Thank you.