Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Kid Is Super Annoying

Transcript

When Your Kid Is Super Annoying · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
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  Psych mom, show today. I have a listener question, and
• 0:12
  before I read it, I'd like everybody to click on,
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  subscribe, so that you get access to all the bonus
• 0:17
  episodes. And if you do that, that an
• 0:20
  angel gets its wings. And I get four dollars and 99
• 0:23
  cents per person per month. All right, so let us cut to the
• 0:27
  question. So somebody who's a subscriber
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  right in? Which is why I'm answering this
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  on the day, it was received because Is go to the front of
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  the list. Okay.
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  So she says, how do you suggest dealing with kids annoying
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  Behavior? As a parent?
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  My example is that I have a six-year-old son who was
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  constantly making loud sound effects with his voice
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  throughout the day. He also likes to get in the
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  physical personal space of me, his eight-year-old sister, or my
• 0:52
  husband and pull on us, jump on us or generally roughhouse a lot
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  more than any, of us would prefer.
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  We do give him lots of physical affection, and are Physically
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  Active Family. I know he isn't trying to be
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  annoying, but it's like nails on a chalkboard for both my Husband
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  and I and frequently his sister. The current practice I have is
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  to directly but not meanly, tell him that what he is doing is
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  annoying or inappropriate and ask him directly to be more
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  quiet or stop pulling on me. He does try to do it but often
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  gets right back into it within like three to five minutes, were
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  we got more annoyed with him and he feels bad about it.
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  Generally tends to be able to then make it a little longer
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  without doing the annoying thing.
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  I'm more so than my spouse. He's great too.
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  I just listened to a lot more parenting stuff.
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  Try to do what you say about catching him being good and
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  praise him when he comes. As with requests to be more
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  quiet, we don't try to control him at all times or anything.
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  Like, when we were outside playing, we let him be silly and
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  yelling roughhouse, I don't want him to grow up thinking that he
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  is annoying. He's so sweet and thoughtful and
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  so many ways. I also wanted to grow into an
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  older child or adult. That is cognizant that loud and
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  obnoxious behavior is inappropriate and annoying.
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  I can tell you that I'm less permissive of this type of
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  behavior than my friends are with their kids.
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  And neither, I nor my husband were allowed to act like
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  banshees in public, or at home, but we both agree that our
• 2:01
  parents went too far. And how they, punish dust.
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  I try to differentiate between In him as a person and certain
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  noisy or irritating behaviors that he does when I speak to
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  him, but he does get spoken to about this way more than a
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  sister who's generally quiet and seems to follow the Norms more,
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  any additional tips? Well, subscriber, I think you're
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  doing a good job. I mean, sounds like you're doing
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  everything right to me. I would say that it sounds like
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  he's a little bit extreme. You say that the teacher doesn't
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  say anything bad about him being when he's at school but he's
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  only six, I have seen a lot of this.
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  He drew with kids who are later diagnosed with ADHD.
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  So if you want to get him an evaluation you can.
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  I always think of valuations are good.
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  I like everything from the quizzes and Cosmo straight up to
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  neuro psych evaluations. I always think that data is
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  good. If anybody ever wants to get
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  their child evaluated, and doesn't because somehow it will
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  pigeonhole them or something. Guess what?
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  You get to decide what you do with those results and data is
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  always positive. Of in my mind and in the mind of
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  science itself as a monolith. So you could from what it sounds
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  like he there may. If there's a PhD in the family,
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  I'd say it's almost a Sure Shot but otherwise I would say it
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  would be interesting to get him evaluated because he does seem
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  you know a little bit on the extreme end.
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  However, it may also just be that your daughter is extremely
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  good. She's a very good quiet little
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  girl and this is why boys. Get reprimands and more by
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  teachers and generally don't like School as much as girls and
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  girls tend to be rule followers and more compliant especially in
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  this situation where she's the oldest and a girl.
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  And she also sees him fucking around all the time and she
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  doesn't want to get in that same kind of trouble.
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  So she is classic good girl and he is, you know, not he's a boy
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  and he is not as rule-following. He's also a second child, so
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  he's not scared of you. Like how she is?
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  Which I don't says, Bad things. Scared of you like your bad but
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  just that older kids tend to think that the rules are more
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  rules and he thinks they are made to be broken.
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  So in terms of what you're doing with him, stop worrying about
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  hurting his feelings. Nothing you're doing is hurting
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  his feelings, at all. It doesn't sound like yes.
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  Sometimes you get annoyed because he's being annoying.
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  So what's that called for the win is natural consequences.
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  So he Acts annoying, you get annoyed.
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  This is super easy, natural consequences.
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  It. What would not be as good as if
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  you constantly were trying to squelch any hint of being
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  annoyed because then he's going to be really surprised when he
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  gets to the outside world and he acts annoying and everybody gets
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  annoyed and he didn't even know what that looked like because
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  nobody ever did it at home. So for this, you are doing
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  perfect natural consequences because you are showing that you
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  are annoyed when he is annoying and you're telling him directly
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  what he can do to change the behavior and then lo and behold,
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  he stops for 3 to 5 minutes, which is pretty good for him.
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  And so you are doing well, if you need to have some time away
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  from him, don't hesitate to say, you know, like I really need
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  some time. Some quiet time.
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  So you got to go outside now to the yard and play or you have
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  You go play in your room, something that is quiet or go
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  play, you know, go do your whatever he does.
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  You know whether he does Legos or whatever else, don't think
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  that you always have to be engaging.
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  You don't seem to think this but for other parents in the same
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  situation you do not always have to be engaging.
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  I've written an article on this about how to get your kids to
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  play independently. The summary of that article is
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  you just don't play with them all the time.
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  Then they, Learn that they have to play independently because
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  they are playing independently when you don't go over and play
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  with them. So it's a real easy learning
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  curve there. So you like most parents that I
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  talked to seemed to struggle with guilt constantly don't
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  struggle with guilt. You seem to be doing the right
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  things, unless you left out the part where you just beat him and
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  throw him in the closet. You appear to be doing a
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  wonderful job with this child, who I'm sure is very sweet,
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  little boy, when he's asleep. But when He's awake.
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  Annoys you 75% of the time but you're trying to be good and say
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  it's like not as much as 75% but you know I mean kids can be
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  really annoying. So most of the time they are
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  honestly annoying at this age. Six years old.
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  He's little he doesn't have all of his you know his neurons are
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  not fully myelinated. He does not have any impulse
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  control. So if you get a couple of good
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  moments with him a day, a couple of good 5.
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  Or 10 minute, you know, increments where you feel like
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  you guys are really vibing and having fun great and the rest of
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  the time you may be slightly or very irritated as long as you're
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  not screaming at him all the time or telling him, he's a bad
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  kid, none of what you're doing. Then you're fine.
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  Now, in the case that this is more than what you felt and for
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  any pay or than what you described and you really are
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  annoyed with him all the time and for any parent that is in
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  that. Situation.
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  Then I will link to things that I've written about what to do
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  when you don't like your kids, because that's totally normal,
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  you're not a bad parent. If you don't like your kids,
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  you're not a bad parent, if you never liked a certain kid ever,
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  but what you would be a bad parent is if you show them or
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  you tell them that you don't like them as long as you see it
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  as an issue that you're working on and you're attempting to get
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  along with your child. Then you are a good parent, not
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  a bad parent. So although you don't seem to be
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  in this situation, And you describe this little boy as
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  sweet and thoughtful, if there are people listening that have
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  annoying kids and don't like them, that's okay, but you need
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  to think about various things, that could be a play there.
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  A, you may be depressed. True.
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  It's real. If you delete your made to like
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  your kids, it's evolutionary. So, if something gets obstructed
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  in there and you can't bond with your kid, you very much may be
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  depressed and not acknowledging, it be your May have an issue
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  like ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or they may be
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  on the Spectrum. And that's when we go back to
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  the evaluation thing, because if somebody else tells, you guess,
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  what? There actually is something
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  non-normative about your child, you may be flooded with this
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  feeling of relief and validation that, it's not just you.
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  And there's a real reason that this kid is annoying and
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  through. You got to try to find ways to
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  connect with this kid in that, you don't like in ways that they
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  become. Come more likable so I can.
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  Again, I think I even spoke about this on a podcast but that
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  would be, for example, doing things that the kid likes in
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  short, increments setting them up to succeed, not trying to
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  teach them or to correct them. But rather just to do something
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  that you both actually, like, for short amounts of time and
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  build on those winds. And also, to interrogate, why
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  you may be particularly triggered by this child, which
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  is something you The Listener can also do or the subscriber.
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  You can also do this. You could think.
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  Why does this annoy me so much? I know he's loud as shit.
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  That's really annoying. But was one of my parents really
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  loud and getting all the attention was one of my siblings
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  really loud and getting all the attention is my husband does.
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  He have trouble with impulse control, you know?
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  So if he's triggering you because he reminds you of
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  somebody that you have an issue with of any sort, that may also
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  contribute to you being extra annoyed around him.
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  It goes without Out saying, but I'll say it.
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  Anyway, that you also will be more annoyed by any loud or
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  obstructive behavior. When you are about to get your
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  period when you are worried about something else.
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  When you're hungry, when you've got no sleep.
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  So whenever you are particularly vulnerable, to having mood,
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  Moody episode yourself, that's when you should spend a little
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  bit less time with this loud child.
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  Because that is, when you will really feel super irritated to
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  the point You can't Marshall all your cam parenting resources,
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  which it's fine. If sometimes you act annoyed
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  with him, that's fine. Because that's natural
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  consequences. But if you find yourself acting
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  annoyed, as the default to this child all the time, when they
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  really can't control their behavior, then that's when you
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  need to look more Inward and say what could I do differently?
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  But again from your specific question it sounds like you're
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  doing pretty well overall. So if anybody is He's in this
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  situation with these sorts of children that are annoying.
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  Then, you know, any kid could be annoying but some kids are
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  objectively more annoying than others.
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  It's usually because they don't have a lot of impulse control.
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  So if you are in that situation, then you can learn from this
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  that you do. It's okay.
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  If you comment on a kid's annoying Behavior, you know that
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  is naturally what would happen in the world.
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  But if you find yourself thinking, I really don't like
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  them. I don't want to be around them.
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  I'm scared. To be around them.
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  Can link to that piece that I wrote about when people are
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  scared to be around their kid because it's going to be too
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  loud or it's out of control or I feel like I'm going to smack him
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  or whatever. Then that is stuff that usually
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  is linked to some sort of deeper issue that you need to explore.
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  Probably both in you and in the kid.
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  So like for example, a depressed mother taking care of a kid with
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  undiagnosed ADHD, that's not going to be a good scene.
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  She's going to be mad at him about 27 hours out of the day
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  because she has no, Band with herself and then he is
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  legitimately more out of control than other kids.
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  So if you are in a situation where you feel consistently like
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  you dislike your kid a lot, then that would be something to get
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  into therapy about and to work on and no therapist is going to
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  be like, get out of my office. You're a bad parent.
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  That's just not how therapy works.
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  Everybody's going to be interested in and willing to
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  help you and non-judgmental if they're not, then they're about
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  therapist. So then haha, then you go to
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  another therapist. Never you, in that case you
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  should be able to go into therapy and say anything people
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  say, all kinds of crazy shit to therapist and we are
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  non-judgmental people. Alright.
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  Well, hopefully this was helpful for you.
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  Subscriber, and for anybody with a difficult child or a difficult
• 12:50
  parent-child relationship, I will link you to all of those
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  helpful posts and thank you for subscribing.
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  Subscriber and please everybody else.
• 12:58
  Subscribe as well and follow her lead.
• 13:01
  Have a great day everybody.