Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Your Ex Is NOT Fine (Here’s What’s Really Happening).

Transcript

Your Ex Is NOT Fine (Here’s What’s Really Happening). · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Most people look at their ex after a breakup and think
• 0:10
  they're fine, they moved on, they don't care, they're
• 0:15
  posting, they're going out, they look calm.
• 0:18
  Maybe they even look happier than they did when they were
• 0:21
  with you. What?
• 0:23
  And that's the part that hurts, isn't it?
• 0:25
  Because while you're barely functioning, you can't eat,
• 0:29
  can't sleep, can't drink, or maybe you're drinking too much
• 0:34
  and they seem completely unaffected.
• 0:36
  No panic, no regret, no breakdown, nothing.
• 0:41
  But here's the thing. What you're seeing is not always
• 0:45
  peace. Sometimes it's relief, sometimes
• 0:48
  it's avoidance, sometimes it's distraction.
• 0:52
  And sometimes it's just the first stage before reality
• 0:57
  finally hits them. Because your ex may look fine
• 1:01
  now, but that doesn't mean that they're OK.
• 1:05
  And I will soon explain, so stay tuned.
• 1:09
  Hi, if you're new here, my name is Lucia.
• 1:11
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 1:14
  you get your ex back. And if you're not new, welcome
• 1:17
  back my no contact Army. I hope you've been a good little
• 1:20
  soldier and stayed in no contact.
• 1:23
  OK, so relief is not the full story right after a breakup, the
• 1:29
  dumper, yes, feels relief. And not because they stopped
• 1:33
  caring about you, but because often the pressure of the
• 1:36
  relationship is gone. There's no more tension, no more
• 1:40
  expectations, no more emotional weight.
• 1:43
  And they've been thinking about the breakup for a while, and now
• 1:46
  they finally did it. So that's out of the way.
• 1:50
  So yes, they feel lighter, but don't confuse lighter with
• 1:53
  better. Relief is temporary.
• 1:57
  It's what happens when you escape something difficult, like
• 2:00
  finally, as I said, going through with it and doing the
• 2:02
  breakup. And most people mistake that
• 2:05
  feeling for clarity. They think, well, this was the
• 2:08
  right decision, but they're not seeing the full picture yet
• 2:12
  because guess what? Relief fades.
• 2:15
  And when it does, something else takes its place.
• 2:20
  Now you feel the breakup immediately.
• 2:23
  They don't because by the time they ended things, they'd
• 2:28
  already been thinking about it. They were mentally and
• 2:30
  emotionally preparing for it. So they've already gone through
• 2:34
  doubt. They've gone through distancing.
• 2:37
  So when the breakup happens, it feels like a release to them and
• 2:41
  a shock to you. However, however, keep this in
• 2:45
  mind. They were living in the idea of
• 2:49
  life without you. The idea, not the reality.
• 2:55
  So at first everything feels easy, but then real life starts
• 3:00
  showing up. You're not texting.
• 3:03
  I hope you're not there. You're not part of their routine
• 3:07
  anymore. And that's when it hits.
• 3:10
  Not all at once of course, but slowly and quietly.
• 3:15
  And by the way, if you would like my help to get your ex
• 3:18
  back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 3:23
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 3:26
  the direct link to click on is underneath every single video
• 3:29
  and podcast. OK, so to continue, this is
• 3:32
  where most people completely mess things up for themselves
• 3:35
  because they panic, They reach out, they try to explain or fix
• 3:41
  or convince. And what happens, as I'm sure
• 3:44
  many of you have found out, the ex becomes even more certain
• 3:47
  about leaving because now it feels like pressure.
• 3:50
  Again, listen carefully because this is the turning point.
• 3:55
  Because when you go silent, everything changes.
• 4:00
  You remove the tension, you remove the emotional noise, you
• 4:04
  remove the fight, and now they're left with their
• 4:08
  decision. No distraction, no reassurance,
• 4:11
  no control. Just their own thoughts.
• 4:15
  And that's uncomfortable because silence forces reflection.
• 4:20
  Because now the questions start. Did I make a mistake?
• 4:25
  Why do I feel this way? Why do I miss them now?
• 4:29
  Because when someone breaks up with you, they are not 100%
• 4:33
  certain they're making the right decision.
• 4:35
  They may think they are, but after they finally do it, then
• 4:40
  they realize. Now I'm not so sure.
• 4:44
  And silence doesn't push them away.
• 4:46
  It actually forces them inward. So here's the reality versus the
• 4:51
  expectation. Most jumpers leave with a story
• 4:55
  in their head. I'll be free, I'll be happier.
• 4:59
  There's someone better out there.
• 5:01
  And sometimes they act on that immediately.
• 5:03
  So they start dating. They distract themselves.
• 5:06
  They chase someone new. But here's where the fantasy
• 5:10
  starts to crack. What usually happens is it
• 5:13
  doesn't feel the same. Rebounds feel shallow.
• 5:17
  Connections feel off. Something is missing.
• 5:21
  Someone is missing because what they had with you, it had depth
• 5:27
  and history and familiarity. And you do not replace that
• 5:34
  overnight. And if you listen to my video
• 5:37
  about my client who got his avoidant ex back after nine
• 5:41
  months, and if you haven't, I will put the link in the upper
• 5:43
  right hand corner on YouTube. She tried going out with other
• 5:46
  people. In fact, he saw her on a dating
• 5:49
  app and she had swiped right on him.
• 5:51
  And I told him do not swipe right on her.
• 5:53
  Don't make it that easy. So she went on some dates,
• 5:57
  didn't work out, did it because she went back to my client and
• 6:00
  that's how he got her back after nine months.
• 6:02
  So check out that video. So when reality doesn't match
• 6:05
  the expectation they built in their head, that's when the
• 6:09
  shift happens. That's when missing begins.
• 6:13
  And to make sure you stay in no contact, be sure to download my
• 6:17
  app Silencio, which will help you to stay in no contact.
• 6:21
  And the link to that is underneath every single video
• 6:24
  and podcast. And there's those of you who
• 6:26
  still read, yes, some of us still read.
• 6:29
  You can download my book and that is available at
• 6:32
  nocontactsecrets.com or you can read 2 free chapters before you
• 6:37
  purchase the book. OK, so just because your ex
• 6:40
  isn't reaching out, it doesn't mean they're not thinking about
• 6:43
  you. It doesn't mean they're
• 6:45
  unaffected by the breakup even though they broke up with you.
• 6:49
  Just because they look fine, it doesn't mean they feel fine.
• 6:53
  So don't make the mistake of judging their inner world by
• 6:57
  their outer performance. A lot of people process things
• 7:01
  internally, especially avoidance.
• 7:04
  They don't show it, they don't talk about it.
• 7:06
  They suppress it, but suppression is not resolution.
• 7:12
  It just delays it and your silence.
• 7:16
  It adds something powerful. It removes their sense of
• 7:19
  control. And I actually talked about that
• 7:23
  in my video. When an avoidant realizes you've
• 7:26
  given up the stages of panic, and I will put the link for that
• 7:30
  on YouTube in the upper right hand corner.
• 7:33
  So your silence creates uncertainty and it forces them
• 7:36
  to face something that they were not expecting.
• 7:38
  Life without you actually being real.
• 7:43
  And here's the truth that most people do not want to hear.
• 7:47
  If you keep showing up, they don't have to miss you.
• 7:51
  If you keep reaching out, they don't have to feel the loss.
• 7:55
  If you keep making it easy, they don't have to question anything.
• 8:00
  And This is why chasing feels productive but usually works
• 8:04
  against you. You end up protecting them from
• 8:06
  the very feelings that would make them reconsider the
• 8:10
  breakup. So no, your ex isn't necessarily
• 8:14
  OK. They're just ahead of you in
• 8:16
  timing, So what looks like strength is often just a phase,
• 8:22
  and what looks like indifference is usually delayed emotional
• 8:26
  processing. And the biggest mistake you
• 8:30
  could make is interrupting that process.
• 8:34
  Let the silence do what chasing never can.
• 8:38
  Let the silence do The Dirty work for you, because the moment
• 8:43
  you stop trying to prove your value is the moment they start
• 8:46
  to feel your absence. So now I want to hear from you.
• 8:50
  Do you have any questions or comments about anything I've
• 8:53
  said? And in the meantime, be sure to
• 8:56
  subscribe so you don't miss out on any future videos or
• 9:00
  episodes. And remember, love inspires,
• 9:03
  empowers, uplifts and enlightens.