Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 471. The Psychology of Power - How to Reclaim Your Power Without Controlling Others

Transcript

471. The Psychology of Power - How to Reclaim Your Power Without Controlling Others · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hell love, beautiful Bens, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:13
Speaker 1: of today. So in today's episode, we're going to be
0:16
Speaker 1: talking about how to gain more control in your life
0:19
Speaker 1: while actually relinquishing the need to control other people. And
0:22
Speaker 1: you're going to realize that so many things are going
0:25
Speaker 1: to happen when you learn how to do this. Number One,
0:28
Speaker 1: you actually will find everything is more in your control,
0:31
Speaker 1: the trajectory of your life, how you tackle your goals,
0:34
Speaker 1: how you tackle habit formation and creation, your happiness, your
0:38
Speaker 1: overall peace, your levels of anxiety and how to really
0:41
Speaker 1: keep that under control. And also you will realize that
0:44
Speaker 1: your relationships get a whole lot better. The things that
0:48
Speaker 1: you clinged onto thinking that you need actually changes your
0:51
Speaker 1: priorities change. It's just going to be such a beneficial
0:55
Speaker 1: episode for you, So for absolutely everybody. And when I
0:58
Speaker 1: was planning this episode, I could see how I've implemented
1:02
Speaker 1: these things and learned to kind of use these tools
1:04
Speaker 1: more and more and more in my life. And the
1:06
Speaker 1: times that I really lean into this, the better it
1:08
Speaker 1: gets and the better that I feel. Okay, now I'm
1:11
Speaker 1: going to move into a little life update. Also for
1:13
Speaker 1: the person that commented on my podcast the other day,
1:15
Speaker 1: saying that the first five minutes of the episode was
1:18
Speaker 1: totally unnecessary and they thought that I was going to
1:21
Speaker 1: dive straight into the topic who doesn't like my love updates?
1:23
Speaker 1: There is such thing as a fast forward button. You
1:25
Speaker 1: should learn how to use it. It will save you
1:27
Speaker 1: the time and effort of commenting those kinds of things. Anyway,
1:30
Speaker 1: live update for those of you that don't like it,
1:32
Speaker 1: go ahead and fast forward the live show. Guys. The
1:36
Speaker 1: live show was unbelievable. I loved it. I love you guys.
1:41
Speaker 1: The VIP we did a VIP kind of meet and
1:44
Speaker 1: greet before the show, and then we did drinks with
1:47
Speaker 1: the VIPs after the show. I got to chat with
1:49
Speaker 1: you guys. I got to really like hear you know
1:52
Speaker 1: how you found the podcast and your story. Some of
1:54
Speaker 1: you brought me flowers and like there was just someone
1:57
Speaker 1: someone from using There were people that came from New Zealand, Canada,
2:01
Speaker 1: la Alice Springs, Melbourne, Woollongong, the Gold Coast. Someone came
2:06
Speaker 1: from Perth Adelaide. If I haven't already said that, it
2:09
Speaker 1: was just honestly, so so cool. One of the beans
2:12
Speaker 1: from New Zealand gave me these really cool coasters that
2:14
Speaker 1: have like coffee beans on them, So thank you so much.
2:17
Speaker 1: I'm going to be using those all the time. Yeah,
2:19
Speaker 1: and it was really cool. And prior to that, we
2:21
Speaker 1: on the Tuesday, we had a brunch based around my
2:24
Speaker 1: app Hotel Mindset, where we did a meditation and we
2:28
Speaker 1: all sat down as a group and I was giving
2:30
Speaker 1: journaling prompt statements and people were writing down their answers,
2:33
Speaker 1: and then we had a session where we could all
2:35
Speaker 1: kind of basically giving how they live their life and
2:37
Speaker 1: tools that work for them and sharing it with other people.
2:39
Speaker 1: It was really really cool and I just had such
2:41
Speaker 1: a great week, which leads me to my next thing
2:43
Speaker 1: as to why there were no Head Noise episodes last week.
2:46
Speaker 1: Even though I did say that we were going to
2:48
Speaker 1: go into three episodes a week. SIT got very busy,
2:53
Speaker 1: way busier than I thought it would with the final stages.
2:55
Speaker 1: And I'm not as organized as a lot of people
2:57
Speaker 1: think I'm organized, and my goal every years to become
3:00
Speaker 1: more and more organized. It's I'm not becoming organized at
3:04
Speaker 1: the rate I would like, but it is improving, so
3:06
Speaker 1: that's a plus. However, I was not organized enough to
3:10
Speaker 1: have my episodes recorded well in advance. So it got
3:13
Speaker 1: to Wednesday, Like, there is no fucking way on the
3:15
Speaker 1: live show day that I can record an episode on
3:17
Speaker 1: the Tuesday. It was just too chaotic, so I thought
3:19
Speaker 1: I'd definitely record on Thursday, so at least the Friday
3:21
Speaker 1: head Noise goes live. Thursday rolls around yet, which is yesterday,
3:25
Speaker 1: today's Friday. I'm recording this now, and the twins I
3:28
Speaker 1: have to take them in for their immunization boosters and
3:30
Speaker 1: the manager cockle immunization, and the doctors will like just
3:35
Speaker 1: be aware that they could get fever. They get really
3:37
Speaker 1: irritable for the next day, maybe two days. The leg
3:40
Speaker 1: feels a bit bruised, all this stuff. I actually cried.
3:42
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm not gonna be one of those
3:44
Speaker 1: parents that cry when their kids get their vaccinations. No, No,
3:48
Speaker 1: having children has turned me into a very like soft
3:52
Speaker 1: soft okay, strong but soft, So I cried. My sister
3:55
Speaker 1: was there with me because Tyrone had to go down
3:57
Speaker 1: to Wollongong, so we both took them. We had one
3:58
Speaker 1: twin each, and we both well, we're crying like giant babies,
4:03
Speaker 1: and the babies were crying where everyone was crying. But
4:05
Speaker 1: then after that they were quite like irritable and just
4:08
Speaker 1: not loving it. So I thought, there's no way I'm
4:10
Speaker 1: going to record an episode. I just want to be
4:12
Speaker 1: here on the couch hugging the babies. So I thought,
4:14
Speaker 1: let's just go hard next week with the head noise
4:18
Speaker 1: episodes and the content, and just that was just a
4:21
Speaker 1: write off. So thanks for hanging in there. Anyway, Let's
4:25
Speaker 1: get into the topic of the episode Slash before we
4:28
Speaker 1: do that. Sorry, I wanted to talk about It's not
4:30
Speaker 1: a brain fact, but it's something that I thought would
4:32
Speaker 1: be really cool to address because it's kind of relevant
4:36
Speaker 1: to a comment that someone left. I'm guessing my sister
4:40
Speaker 1: read it to me, so I can't remember if it
4:41
Speaker 1: was on the Facebook page or not. But it's something
4:44
Speaker 1: called the bean soup theory. So my cousin Laurena told
4:48
Speaker 1: me about this. I'd never heard of the bean soup
4:49
Speaker 1: theory before. But it's kind of this what about me effect, okay,
4:54
Speaker 1: And it's this social media phenomenon where I'm just reading
4:56
Speaker 1: this off like the Internet, so social media phenomenon where
5:01
Speaker 1: users demand content to be tailored to their personal preferences,
5:04
Speaker 1: failing to recognize that it was intended for a different audience.
5:08
Speaker 1: And this originates from a comment asking for a bean
5:12
Speaker 1: free recipe on a bean soup video where someone literally
5:15
Speaker 1: was like, but I don't like beans, so how would
5:19
Speaker 1: I do this without beans? Obviously? Just find another fucking
5:21
Speaker 1: soup babe, right, Like, why are you even watching a
5:24
Speaker 1: bean soup recipe? So that's kind of what we're talking about.
5:27
Speaker 1: It highlights this ego centrism, a lack of empathy, and
5:31
Speaker 1: this misguided what about me reaction to content. Okay, so
5:35
Speaker 1: I had someone comment again I don't exactly know where
5:38
Speaker 1: because my sister read it out to me, but it
5:40
Speaker 1: was saying that, you know, asking the other listeners off
5:43
Speaker 1: my podcast, pretty much saying well, where can I find content?
5:46
Speaker 1: Because you know, Alexis is like always talking about the
5:49
Speaker 1: glow up and the five am mornings and you know,
5:52
Speaker 1: and I just that doesn't work for me because I
5:53
Speaker 1: struggle to get up in the mornings and I have
5:55
Speaker 1: like issues with X y Z whatever. So she you know,
5:57
Speaker 1: explained her case, but then was basically saying that you know,
6:00
Speaker 1: my content isn't relevant to her and asking audiences that
6:04
Speaker 1: actually do find my content relevant, where can they go
6:07
Speaker 1: and find content that's relevant because mine's just not cutting it.
6:09
Speaker 1: So this is very much this what about me thing.
6:12
Speaker 1: We're in a time where it is easier than ever
6:16
Speaker 1: to find content that is tailored to you. Right, you
6:20
Speaker 1: can Google, you can go on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, podcast, TikTok, Instagram.
6:26
Speaker 1: Type in exactly your needs, and you will find creators
6:30
Speaker 1: out there. Whether it's most of it will be for free,
6:32
Speaker 1: but you're going to find information and resources out there
6:35
Speaker 1: that's going to give you helpful advice, anything at all
6:39
Speaker 1: on your particular niche. Okay, my podcast is a self
6:44
Speaker 1: development podcast targeted at the general audience. I talk about psychology,
6:48
Speaker 1: I talk about neuroscience and how to help the general audience.
6:51
Speaker 1: It's not too niched down, and that's pretty clear based
6:53
Speaker 1: on if you just look at like the plethora of
6:55
Speaker 1: different topics that I cover within my podcast. So if
6:58
Speaker 1: you're looking for something super specific, a niche that's not
7:01
Speaker 1: about self development for the general audience, my podcast is
7:05
Speaker 1: just not the place. Okay. I can't cater to every niche,
7:08
Speaker 1: just like every creator can't. I don't look at my
7:11
Speaker 1: favorite comedy podcast and expect them to address current affairs.
7:15
Speaker 1: I don't go to my dermatologists and ask them why
7:19
Speaker 1: aren't they helping me with my physiotherapy needs? You know, Also,
7:23
Speaker 1: if I don't bang on about the five am club
7:25
Speaker 1: is something that people need to do. I talk about
7:27
Speaker 1: the importance of morning routines, and I talk about how
7:29
Speaker 1: everyone is different with that morning routine based on their needs,
7:32
Speaker 1: based on how many dependents they have, based on all
7:35
Speaker 1: kinds of different factors in their life. I talk about
7:38
Speaker 1: the importance of sunlight in the morning. I talk about
7:40
Speaker 1: the importance of sleep. But I'm not saying everyone has
7:42
Speaker 1: to get up at five am. I can't remember the
7:43
Speaker 1: last time. I haven't spoke about liking getting up at
7:45
Speaker 1: five am, because I haven't been able to do that
7:47
Speaker 1: unless it's to put a child on my boob at
7:50
Speaker 1: that time. Okay, So I feel like it's quite inaccurate
7:55
Speaker 1: to say that that's what I bang on about on
7:57
Speaker 1: this podcast. So I think what I talk about into
8:00
Speaker 1: episode is going to make you feel a little bit
8:01
Speaker 1: more empowered. This bean soup theory or this what about
8:05
Speaker 1: me actually hinders you more than doing anything else. You're
8:09
Speaker 1: playing the victim. Essentially, you're saying you need to be
8:11
Speaker 1: responsible for me to find something relevant. No, No, you don't. Okay,
8:16
Speaker 1: you have to go and look for the things that
8:17
Speaker 1: work for you. You have to go and do your
8:19
Speaker 1: own research. You have to go and find the things
8:21
Speaker 1: that work for you. Sitting back and saying, but this
8:24
Speaker 1: doesn't apply to me, Well, probably not. Go and find
8:27
Speaker 1: something that applies to you. Sitting there playing the victim.
8:30
Speaker 1: What about me? What about me? What about me? Is
8:32
Speaker 1: only going to make you feel more and more disempowered
8:35
Speaker 1: or less empowered. Okay, it's going to make you feel
8:38
Speaker 1: like it's all happening and you're not a part of it,
8:42
Speaker 1: that you've been left out. You're the victim. No one
8:44
Speaker 1: ever includes me. No one ever talks about this. You know,
8:47
Speaker 1: so much content also online, by the way, starts with
8:50
Speaker 1: no one ever talks about and then they start talking
8:53
Speaker 1: about something that every fucking can't on this planet is
8:55
Speaker 1: talking about. No one ever talks about how hard it
8:57
Speaker 1: is for mothers after that, Yes, what are you talking about?
8:59
Speaker 1: Every one talks about how hard it is for mother's
9:01
Speaker 1: once the child is born in the transition. That's all
9:04
Speaker 1: I ever saw before I had kids, like bombarded with
9:06
Speaker 1: that kind of content. Not saying it's not true, it's
9:09
Speaker 1: fucking true, but like this statement of no one ever
9:12
Speaker 1: talks about like when I'm looking for something that's specific
9:14
Speaker 1: to me, I don't look at the content creators that
9:17
Speaker 1: I normally watch and say, Oh, that's really annoying that
9:20
Speaker 1: they haven't covered twin parenting when they, you know, normally
9:24
Speaker 1: talk about finance. You know that kind of shit. Okay, anyway,
9:29
Speaker 1: let's get straight into the topic of today's episode, and
9:32
Speaker 1: it's kind of loosely. The reason I decided to do
9:35
Speaker 1: this episode is because I was thinking about the let
9:37
Speaker 1: them theory by Mel Robins and I did see some
9:40
Speaker 1: people talk about it online, saying, oh, they let them
9:42
Speaker 1: theory is so ridiculous because you know what, I'm just
9:44
Speaker 1: gonna let people walk all over me and I'm just
9:46
Speaker 1: gonna let someone be an asshole and I'm gonna let
9:49
Speaker 1: so I thought it was important to address this. Now. Disclaimer,
9:53
Speaker 1: I have read into Mel Robins let Them theory, but
9:57
Speaker 1: I have not read her book, and I have not
9:59
Speaker 1: like listened to too many of her episodes. I've listened
10:02
Speaker 1: here and there, and I'm pretty like, what I'm going
10:06
Speaker 1: to talk about here I think very much aligns with
10:08
Speaker 1: the let them theory because I think people are misinterpreting
10:12
Speaker 1: what she's talking about, and likely have not leaned really
10:15
Speaker 1: heavily into her content to say what it is that
10:17
Speaker 1: she means, because none effect comes down to letting someone
10:20
Speaker 1: walk allover you or being treated like sheit. It's basically saying,
10:23
Speaker 1: allow people to be who they're going to be, let
10:25
Speaker 1: them show you their true colors, and don't waste time
10:29
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate or control other people, because ultimately that's
10:33
Speaker 1: not going to be the answer to get you to
10:35
Speaker 1: where you want to go. That's kind of my interpretation
10:38
Speaker 1: of the let them theory, And then I thought, why
10:39
Speaker 1: did I just do an entire episode on similar, similar content,
10:44
Speaker 1: which is around you know, this letting go of the
10:46
Speaker 1: need to control other people, thinking that it's going to
10:49
Speaker 1: make you feel in control of your life. Okay, now,
10:53
Speaker 1: the first thing I want to talk about is that
10:55
Speaker 1: this idea of you know, let them is talking about
10:59
Speaker 1: she focus from managing other people to managing yourself. We're
11:03
Speaker 1: talking about how can I instead of thinking I've got
11:06
Speaker 1: to make sure that that person doesn't cheat on me,
11:08
Speaker 1: I've got to make sure that that person you know
11:10
Speaker 1: picks me as their best friend over that other person
11:13
Speaker 1: that work that they've been hanging out with. I've got
11:14
Speaker 1: to make sure Xyz'd fill in the blanks, okay. Instead,
11:18
Speaker 1: at the core, it's about instead of managing other people's behavior,
11:23
Speaker 1: we are managing our expectations. We're managing where we put
11:26
Speaker 1: our energy. We're managing our decisions and our choices around
11:29
Speaker 1: the people that we spend time with. We're managing how
11:32
Speaker 1: we respond, how we interpret things, and what we do
11:35
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, Because like I said, ultimately, you can't
11:38
Speaker 1: control other people. So you're not saying, let someone walk
11:42
Speaker 1: all over me, but you are saying, let them be
11:44
Speaker 1: who they're going to be. And then if they walk
11:46
Speaker 1: all over me, they've shown me who they are in essence,
11:49
Speaker 1: because they haven't kind of blocked them, and then I'm
11:54
Speaker 1: able to respond accordingly. I can then make a very
11:57
Speaker 1: informed decision. It's the same idea as people who have
12:01
Speaker 1: like tabs on their partner twenty four seven. You know,
12:04
Speaker 1: I don't trust you. I've got it like, we have
12:06
Speaker 1: to know where you are at all times. I have
12:08
Speaker 1: to be able to have access to your phone at
12:10
Speaker 1: all times. I have to know where you were. I
12:11
Speaker 1: have to you know, and you really like you don't
12:15
Speaker 1: trust them. You think they're going to cheat on you,
12:17
Speaker 1: so you are watching them like a hawk, right, You're
12:20
Speaker 1: not letting them just be who they are. What's worse.
12:24
Speaker 1: I don't know what's worse someone cheating on me or
12:27
Speaker 1: someone really wanting to cheat on me but just doesn't
12:29
Speaker 1: because I'm like watching them like an absolute hawk, and
12:32
Speaker 1: I'm this helicopter above them observing them money. It's the
12:34
Speaker 1: same thing if they want to cheat or if they cheat,
12:37
Speaker 1: it's the same the intention, right, so they let them.
12:41
Speaker 1: Theory in this scenario would be let them go ahead
12:44
Speaker 1: and cheat, and then if they did cheat, and if
12:46
Speaker 1: they did do these things, you could then act accordingly,
12:50
Speaker 1: you know. And if someone's gonna say, yeah, but what
12:51
Speaker 1: if they cheat and you didn't know about it. Well,
12:54
Speaker 1: if you've got this deep feeling that someone is a cheater,
12:57
Speaker 1: you probably have to be asking yourself so much deep
13:00
Speaker 1: questions as to you know, why you with someone that
13:03
Speaker 1: you absolutely can't trust as far as you can throw them.
13:05
Speaker 1: That's a whole other issue that we could talk about,
13:07
Speaker 1: but anyway, that's kind of the heart of what we're
13:11
Speaker 1: talking about. Okay, next thing, when you try and control others,
13:16
Speaker 1: you begin to lose control of yourself. And this is
13:19
Speaker 1: what people don't really like to hear that much because
13:22
Speaker 1: they say, oh, you know, but if I didn't tell
13:24
Speaker 1: someone what to do all the time, then everything would
13:26
Speaker 1: be a disaster. Everything would be a mess. If I
13:28
Speaker 1: wasn't saying this, if I wasn't not other then everything
13:30
Speaker 1: would be blah blah blah. Okay. When you're overly focused
13:33
Speaker 1: on controlling what other people do, you start to lose
13:36
Speaker 1: your peace, your peace of mind, your emotional stability because
13:39
Speaker 1: you're only you struggle to regulate yourself because you're looking
13:42
Speaker 1: at all these other people and what they're doing whatever,
13:44
Speaker 1: and it all has to happen in a certain way
13:46
Speaker 1: in order for me to feel okay. Instead of saying
13:49
Speaker 1: I'm going to be in control of me feeling okay,
13:51
Speaker 1: your sense of self takes a hit, your ability to
13:54
Speaker 1: pivot and your ability to trust in yourself and in
13:57
Speaker 1: your decisions okay, because your internal state is currently depending
14:02
Speaker 1: on external compliance people complying to this. You know, these
14:08
Speaker 1: rules that you've set for them, or you know you
14:10
Speaker 1: being so strict, or you not trusting them, or you
14:12
Speaker 1: you know, making them feel bad about something, or I'm
14:15
Speaker 1: going to go into that in a second, but using
14:17
Speaker 1: guilt as the currency and all of that. Okay, So
14:19
Speaker 1: your mood then becomes dictated by when that person's going
14:23
Speaker 1: to text you back, whether they show up on time
14:26
Speaker 1: or not, whether they choose you as their favorite friend,
14:29
Speaker 1: whether they, you know, act how you had hopes that
14:32
Speaker 1: they would act on that day, whether they're reassuring you
14:35
Speaker 1: enough and giving you praise or the feedback that you
14:38
Speaker 1: would like to hear enough. Okay, that's emotional outsourcing, and
14:42
Speaker 1: if we do too much of that, then we begin
14:44
Speaker 1: to reli to kind of like a negative loop that
14:47
Speaker 1: feeds itself. We start to rely so much on this
14:49
Speaker 1: emotional outsourcing to feel validated, to feel okay, to feel calm, stable,
14:55
Speaker 1: like good enough, and then every time we do it,
14:58
Speaker 1: it reinforces that we think that we need that, so
15:00
Speaker 1: then we do it more and more and more. It's
15:02
Speaker 1: kind of like when you ask to check your partner's
15:04
Speaker 1: phone and you troll through it and you see, oh,
15:07
Speaker 1: actually they didn't cheat on me. That doesn't make you think,
15:10
Speaker 1: oh my god, thank god I never have to look
15:12
Speaker 1: at their phone again. That just reiterates the fact that
15:14
Speaker 1: we'll see I got that rush that they actually weren't
15:18
Speaker 1: cheating on me, and I felt good when I got
15:20
Speaker 1: confirmation that they're not cheating on me. So I'm now
15:23
Speaker 1: relaxed until they leave the house again, then I need to.
15:26
Speaker 1: So it actually doesn't solve the problem. It just reinforces
15:29
Speaker 1: this loop that you get stuck into. The more you
15:31
Speaker 1: do it, the more anxious you become, the more rigid
15:33
Speaker 1: you become, and controlling other people becomes your default, and
15:36
Speaker 1: then you lose control of yourself because you think you
15:40
Speaker 1: lie to yourself and you believe that everything you know,
15:44
Speaker 1: your happiness, your stability, whatever, is dependent on everyone else
15:47
Speaker 1: around you, so it doesn't feel like it's a possibility
15:50
Speaker 1: to provide that for yourself. Now, control will often disguise
15:55
Speaker 1: itself as like needs, expectations or trust issues. Okay, so
15:59
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't think they're controlling. They just
16:02
Speaker 1: think they're asking I'm just asking for reassurance. I'm not
16:05
Speaker 1: controlling other people. I'm just communicating my needs. I'm just
16:09
Speaker 1: needing clarity on something I just struggle with. Trust. Okay,
16:13
Speaker 1: but what's actually happening is you're trying to shape someone
16:17
Speaker 1: else's behavior so you don't have to sit with discomfort. Okay.
16:22
Speaker 1: There's a difference between demanding something from someone versus a boundary. Okay,
16:29
Speaker 1: there's a difference between saying you have to do this
16:31
Speaker 1: for me versus saying I like to associate myself to
16:37
Speaker 1: associate with people who naturally do this. Okay, you can
16:42
Speaker 1: communicate that across saying you know, I like to hang
16:44
Speaker 1: around with people that don't gossip, or I like to
16:49
Speaker 1: have a partner who you know pulls their equal weight
16:52
Speaker 1: in the household, doesn't have to be on the same tasks,
16:54
Speaker 1: but they take care of certain things without me telling them,
16:57
Speaker 1: and I take care of certain things, and then you
16:58
Speaker 1: know what the boundary is that person is not it.
17:01
Speaker 1: If you start dating someone and they never pull their
17:05
Speaker 1: weight in the household, you could be saying, well, I'm
17:07
Speaker 1: not going to do this until you do that, and
17:09
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that. That's a demand, right.
17:12
Speaker 1: The alternative could be is you say this is the
17:16
Speaker 1: kind of person that I want to be with. Ideally
17:18
Speaker 1: you haven't moved in with them at this point, but whatever,
17:21
Speaker 1: and then you just don't lean into relationships where they're
17:25
Speaker 1: not giving, you know, their energy towards you or towards
17:29
Speaker 1: the shared household and people say, oh, well, you know,
17:31
Speaker 1: I had no idea before I moved in, and then
17:33
Speaker 1: I moved in and they did nothing. But there are
17:34
Speaker 1: markers there, there are things that can give that away prior.
17:38
Speaker 1: You've got to look at how willing are they to
17:40
Speaker 1: do things for you, just in general before you move
17:43
Speaker 1: in with that person. Okay. So we're talking about the
17:45
Speaker 1: difference between boundaries setting boundaries, and that's saying this is
17:48
Speaker 1: what I would like, how I would like to be treated.
17:51
Speaker 1: You do you depending on how you act naturally, you know,
17:56
Speaker 1: being yourself is going to determine if I want to,
17:58
Speaker 1: you know, dive deeper in this relationship or if I
18:00
Speaker 1: feel the need to pull back. I'm not telling you
18:02
Speaker 1: what to do. I'm not using emotional back black mail.
18:05
Speaker 1: I'm not threatening you, okay. Which leads me to the
18:07
Speaker 1: next point, which is using guilt and fear as a
18:10
Speaker 1: way of controlling people. So emotional blackmail is something that
18:14
Speaker 1: sounds like after everything I've done for you, and you
18:18
Speaker 1: won't even do xyz. People use this with friends all
18:20
Speaker 1: the time, okay, or parents use this with kids all
18:23
Speaker 1: the time. I guess I just care more than you
18:25
Speaker 1: do about this. Friendship. I just thought that you cared
18:28
Speaker 1: more about me. I just thought blah blah blah. That's
18:30
Speaker 1: emotional blackmail. Don't worry about me. I'm used to being
18:33
Speaker 1: left out. I'm used. I'm used to being rejected. It's okay,
18:36
Speaker 1: I'm used to this. I'm used to like playing the
18:38
Speaker 1: victim hard that making someone feel guilty, making them feel
18:41
Speaker 1: responsible for the fact that you have a history of
18:43
Speaker 1: being xyzed, of people treating you a certain way. If
18:46
Speaker 1: you loved me, you would fill in the blanks. Okay.
18:50
Speaker 1: It's using this obligation, pity, guilt, fear as your currency
18:56
Speaker 1: to get people to do things for you. Okay, not
18:59
Speaker 1: because because that person is bad or evil, or not
19:03
Speaker 1: because you are bad or evil, but because you are
19:06
Speaker 1: scared of losing a connection. Now, on an extreme scale,
19:10
Speaker 1: it's those people that fake an illness or a disease
19:14
Speaker 1: to gain, you know, pity and attention and love from
19:17
Speaker 1: other people. They feel like they can't get it just
19:19
Speaker 1: by being themselves, that they've got a history of maybe
19:22
Speaker 1: being rejected or struggling to make friends, and they're like, well,
19:24
Speaker 1: what's something that I can do to really manipulate these
19:26
Speaker 1: people into feeling sorry? For me so I can get
19:28
Speaker 1: attention and they don't abandon me, because abandoning someone who's
19:32
Speaker 1: you know, really really sick or dying that they just
19:34
Speaker 1: couldn't live with that guilt. So that way, that's my
19:37
Speaker 1: way of manipulating that person. Okay, so we're talking about that,
19:39
Speaker 1: but on a much smaller scale. Now, if someone has
19:43
Speaker 1: to be like this goes without saying, but I'm just
19:45
Speaker 1: going to say it anyway, if someone has to be
19:46
Speaker 1: guilted into staying, into being a friend, into choosing you
19:50
Speaker 1: and feeling like they can't go out to dinner with
19:51
Speaker 1: somebody else. You know, as far as friends go guilted
19:54
Speaker 1: into showing up, they're not actually choosing you. They're they're
19:58
Speaker 1: they're someone that is easily targeted by that emotional manipulation. Okay,
20:03
Speaker 1: there are going to be some people that are really
20:05
Speaker 1: good at like seeing that from a mile away and
20:07
Speaker 1: that you're just not gonna be able to manipulate them.
20:10
Speaker 1: But a lot of people are easy to manipulate with guilt,
20:12
Speaker 1: and that's why it works for so many people. Now,
20:15
Speaker 1: playing the victim is another attempt at control. Okay, So
20:18
Speaker 1: when someone positions themselves as I'm always abandoned. I'm always
20:23
Speaker 1: the one who cares more. I'm always the one who's
20:25
Speaker 1: like doing all the work, and everyone just walks all
20:27
Speaker 1: over me. I'm always overlooked at work. I'm all everything's
20:31
Speaker 1: always happening to me. It puts pressure on the people
20:35
Speaker 1: around you to prove you wrong and we're like no, no, no, no,
20:38
Speaker 1: it's not like that, or like, oh, I'm just you know,
20:41
Speaker 1: I'm really bad at doing this. I'm just always so
20:43
Speaker 1: bad at that. No, you're not, you're not You're actually good.
20:45
Speaker 1: You're actually good, you know, trying like hey, you know
20:48
Speaker 1: you're you're setting yourself up. So someone feels the need
20:52
Speaker 1: to help you out, to stay a bit longer, to
20:55
Speaker 1: reassure you to whatever it is okay. It traps this
20:59
Speaker 1: person and into kind of being emotionally hooked into hanging
21:04
Speaker 1: out with you or staying with you, or helping you
21:06
Speaker 1: more than what they're able to do so because but
21:08
Speaker 1: it kills this kind of respect and authenticity in a relationship.
21:13
Speaker 1: They now feel forced to do it because they feel
21:16
Speaker 1: bad for you. It's pity, it's not a real connection.
21:19
Speaker 1: It's this person like needs my help or they're just
21:21
Speaker 1: going to be alone and abandoned if I'm not hanging
21:24
Speaker 1: out with them, Okay, So it traps both people because
21:28
Speaker 1: you know, and it's trapping you if you're using this
21:30
Speaker 1: because your identity is now built around being wronged and
21:34
Speaker 1: instead of being empowered and being in control of your life.
21:37
Speaker 1: And when you build up too much of your identity
21:39
Speaker 1: around being wronged and that's your current identity, then you
21:43
Speaker 1: have this self fulfilling prophecy of needing to fulfill that
21:46
Speaker 1: again and again and again, and it just gets worse
21:48
Speaker 1: and worse and worse, and you repel people. There is
21:50
Speaker 1: a difference between genuinely having been the victim of something
21:54
Speaker 1: and being able to grow from it and learn from
21:56
Speaker 1: it or work through it at the pace that you
21:58
Speaker 1: need to do so. But to be using that as
22:01
Speaker 1: a way to make people feel bad so that they
22:04
Speaker 1: do things for you, that's the problem. So it's not
22:07
Speaker 1: saying you can't ever talk about the fact that you
22:10
Speaker 1: were cheated on, or that your boss was a psychopath
22:12
Speaker 1: and fired you for no reason, or that this horrible thing.
22:14
Speaker 1: Of course you can talk about these things, but are
22:16
Speaker 1: you making that the part of your identity so people
22:19
Speaker 1: feel sorry for you, or is it just a part
22:21
Speaker 1: of your story that contributes to the lessons that you're
22:24
Speaker 1: learning and how you become more resilient. What's it going
22:26
Speaker 1: to be? Okay, Now, boundaries are about you, demands are
22:31
Speaker 1: about them. So I did touch on this just before,
22:33
Speaker 1: but I've got a point here that you know, I
22:36
Speaker 1: want to like hit home with. So a boundary sounds
22:39
Speaker 1: like if this continues, I'm probably going to step back
22:42
Speaker 1: a little bit or I'm not available for this dynamic anymore.
22:45
Speaker 1: So if we want to discuss something, it's going to
22:47
Speaker 1: need to be in a much clearer tone. Otherwise I'm
22:50
Speaker 1: not going to be able to discuss this any further. Okay,
22:52
Speaker 1: I'm choosing something different. That's what a boundary is. A
22:55
Speaker 1: demand is you need to change, You have to understand me.
23:00
Speaker 1: You have to get on my page. You are not
23:02
Speaker 1: allowed to do that. That's a demand. Okay. So boundaries
23:06
Speaker 1: do not require someone agreeing with you, but demands do
23:11
Speaker 1: require someone agreeing with you. A boundary also isn't a
23:14
Speaker 1: boundary if there isn't a consequence. If you can't then
23:17
Speaker 1: have followed through, then unfortunately, it's not a boundary. If
23:19
Speaker 1: you say to your partner, I'm not available for this
23:21
Speaker 1: dynamic anymore, and then the next time they yell at you,
23:25
Speaker 1: you stay and yell back and argue you haven't followed through.
23:28
Speaker 1: Next time your partner you say, I'm not available for
23:30
Speaker 1: this dynamic anymore. If we want to discuss something that
23:32
Speaker 1: we disagree with, it has to be in a calm tone.
23:34
Speaker 1: If we're raising voices. If you're going to raise your
23:37
Speaker 1: voice in me, I can't do that anymore. So I
23:39
Speaker 1: will be stepping back when that happens until you're relaxed. Okay,
23:43
Speaker 1: so this is all about you. You're not forcing anything
23:45
Speaker 1: on them. They're still allowed to yell. You're just not
23:47
Speaker 1: going to be in the room anymore, okay, And then
23:50
Speaker 1: you decide moving forward what to do with that. You
23:52
Speaker 1: could then say, Okay, they actually respected my boundaries, so
23:55
Speaker 1: I can stay in this relationship. Or you can say, well,
23:57
Speaker 1: they really disrespected that boundary and they've not learnt. Now
24:00
Speaker 1: I make a decision. Do I want to just remove
24:02
Speaker 1: myself from the room every single time for the rest
24:04
Speaker 1: of our lives. Maybe do I want to leave the relationship.
24:07
Speaker 1: I have the choice now, because I've seen how this
24:10
Speaker 1: person chooses to what they choose to do with that
24:13
Speaker 1: boundary that I've set in place. Okay, control creates overwhelm
24:19
Speaker 1: in areas that you can actually manage. So when you're
24:22
Speaker 1: always you know, when you're always trying to control other people,
24:26
Speaker 1: you are mentally consumed by all these other things where
24:29
Speaker 1: you're not able to actually relax. You're constantly analyzing others,
24:31
Speaker 1: You're constantly doubting other people's intentions, You're constantly feeling insecure.
24:36
Speaker 1: You're replaying conversations in your head, thinking where something went
24:39
Speaker 1: right or where something went wrong. You're anticipating other people's behavior,
24:43
Speaker 1: you're anticipating being let down. You're kind of like geing
24:47
Speaker 1: yourself up in your head. You're managing emotions that aren't
24:50
Speaker 1: yours to manage, and the basic things in your life,
24:54
Speaker 1: basic relationships, basic interactions, start to become really really overwhelming. Okay,
24:58
Speaker 1: and then the things that you control and should be
25:01
Speaker 1: focusing on are too overwhelming to even tackle. Things like appointments,
25:05
Speaker 1: you know, doing life admin tasks, your work. Your responsibility
25:09
Speaker 1: is not even to mention trying to you know, dedicate
25:11
Speaker 1: time to creative tasks as well. All that goes out
25:14
Speaker 1: the window. Okay, and it's not because you're incapable but
25:16
Speaker 1: it's because so much of your cognitive load is on
25:20
Speaker 1: trying to control other people and what they're thinking and
25:22
Speaker 1: what they're doing and how they're treating you, and why
25:24
Speaker 1: they're not doing this and why why why why why
25:26
Speaker 1: why why am I the victim? Okay? Now, minding your
25:29
Speaker 1: own business is going to start to feel really uncomfortable. Okay,
25:34
Speaker 1: because for people that are really used to controlling or
25:36
Speaker 1: managing other people, minding your own business can feel quite
25:41
Speaker 1: distressing or it can even feel like a little bit
25:43
Speaker 1: empty because you're not dedicating time and energy to trying
25:47
Speaker 1: to get other people to do things for you. You
25:50
Speaker 1: also have this fear of like, well, if I don't
25:52
Speaker 1: try and manage their emotions or if I don't try
25:55
Speaker 1: and manage their behaviors, then they're only going to hang
25:58
Speaker 1: out with the other friends, and they're not going to
25:59
Speaker 1: hang out with me. If I'm not constantly making them
26:01
Speaker 1: feel like they have to like call me one, you
26:03
Speaker 1: call me when you got me back, then they're not
26:05
Speaker 1: gonna call me. That's where they let them. Theory comes in.
26:08
Speaker 1: If someone wouldn't call you, with you never having to say, well,
26:13
Speaker 1: you better call me back, you better call me next week,
26:16
Speaker 1: I expect a call from you and they if you
26:19
Speaker 1: just never said that and they never called you, that's
26:22
Speaker 1: what let the theory is about. Then you are starting
26:24
Speaker 1: to see, Wow, this person, if it wasn't for my
26:27
Speaker 1: threats or my you know, tantrum, this person probably doesn't
26:31
Speaker 1: want to call me. They probably would rather hang out
26:34
Speaker 1: with someone else. And it's probably because of this hectic
26:37
Speaker 1: energy that I'm putting across, this intensity of like demands
26:41
Speaker 1: to a friend. Right, maybe if I was relaxed, not
26:44
Speaker 1: only would I see their true colors come through and
26:46
Speaker 1: see if they actually want to hang out with me,
26:48
Speaker 1: but also the other benefit of that would be that
26:51
Speaker 1: they probably would want to hang out with me more anyway. Okay, So,
26:55
Speaker 1: because your identity has become entangled with being needed, being
26:59
Speaker 1: involved in things, being central, being like relied on emotionally,
27:02
Speaker 1: when you stop interfering with how other people interact with
27:05
Speaker 1: you and you just allow them to interact how they authentically,
27:08
Speaker 1: would you start feeling a little bit lost? Okay, that
27:11
Speaker 1: is withdrawals, and that lost feeling will go away your
27:15
Speaker 1: kind of it's like a detox of external validation. That's
27:20
Speaker 1: kind of how you want to look at it. Seems now.
27:25
Speaker 1: Another thing is that letting go of control often feels
27:30
Speaker 1: like you are losing power even though you're not okay,
27:33
Speaker 1: So at first, when you're focusing on controlling only yourself,
27:36
Speaker 1: it's terrifying. Like I just mentioned, because when you stop
27:40
Speaker 1: trying to manage other people, you think that you use
27:43
Speaker 1: you're losing leverage, you're losing influence on other people, reassurance, predictability,
27:49
Speaker 1: and for a lot of people, you think that by
27:52
Speaker 1: losing all these things, you've lost power. But that is
27:55
Speaker 1: not actual, real power. You're just borrowing this temporary power.
27:59
Speaker 1: But it's manipulating someone else. And at the there's always
28:03
Speaker 1: you know, a flow on effect when you manipulate someone. Yes,
28:06
Speaker 1: you might get the intended you know, what you wanted
28:08
Speaker 1: from them initially, but what you're doing long term is
28:11
Speaker 1: you're turning that person off. You're getting that person to
28:13
Speaker 1: get sick and tired. If you're also causing cracks in
28:16
Speaker 1: that relationship and that person you'll never get to see
28:18
Speaker 1: the real version of them shine through if they feel
28:22
Speaker 1: manipulated or guilty every time they hang around you. So
28:25
Speaker 1: that's not actual power, it's just a false sense of
28:28
Speaker 1: temporary power that victim mode that we talk about feels
28:32
Speaker 1: really protective, but it is extremely disempowering because when you're
28:35
Speaker 1: the victim, you're saying to yourself, nothing is my fault.
28:39
Speaker 1: Someone else is responsible. You get sympathy, you get temporary attention.
28:44
Speaker 1: You then get justification for why it works playing the victim,
28:48
Speaker 1: and then it's justifying why you are stuck. Then you
28:52
Speaker 1: start reinforcing that again and again through your language, through
28:55
Speaker 1: your behaviors, through your actions, through how you interact with
28:57
Speaker 1: other people. But the true great off is that you
29:01
Speaker 1: then lose all your power because that becomes your identity.
29:04
Speaker 1: And it's really hard, very possible, but it's very hard
29:07
Speaker 1: to rewrite that identity. You have to have a complete change.
29:10
Speaker 1: You can't be the victim and have power. Okay, And
29:13
Speaker 1: when I talk about being the victim, I'm talking about
29:15
Speaker 1: playing the victim versus actually being a victim of a
29:18
Speaker 1: real situation that's happening to you right now. Okay, So
29:20
Speaker 1: I'm talking specifically about playing the victim in order to
29:24
Speaker 1: manipulate someone else's behavior. You can't do both. You can't
29:27
Speaker 1: have that and feel like you're in power and empowered
29:29
Speaker 1: in your life and taking charge and all of the above. Okay,
29:33
Speaker 1: So if the story is this keeps happening to me,
29:37
Speaker 1: then the solution will always sit outside of you. It's
29:40
Speaker 1: never going to be something that you can control and
29:42
Speaker 1: that you can put into practice. And that means that
29:45
Speaker 1: you constantly need other people to change in order to
29:48
Speaker 1: feel better, That you need other people to validate you,
29:50
Speaker 1: other people to rescue you or to fix the problem,
29:54
Speaker 1: and other people to notice your pain in order for
29:56
Speaker 1: you to feel validated. Okay, that is dependence. And when
30:00
Speaker 1: your dependence unnecessarily sits with other people, you will always
30:04
Speaker 1: be in a position of feeling disempowered. Okay, I was
30:07
Speaker 1: about to say empowered. Lol. Is the opposite. This victim
30:11
Speaker 1: energy is going to keep you stuck in survival mode
30:13
Speaker 1: all the time because when you operate from this, your
30:15
Speaker 1: nervous system is always scanning for threats, scanning for rejection,
30:18
Speaker 1: scanning for abandonment, scanning for things that are unfair. You're
30:20
Speaker 1: going to cling to them. That's and saying, oh my god,
30:21
Speaker 1: look what was happening to me. And then it kind
30:24
Speaker 1: of goes into what I talk about all the time,
30:25
Speaker 1: which is where you become reactive and not proactive. You're
30:28
Speaker 1: not intentional with what you're doing. You are super reactive
30:31
Speaker 1: to what is happening outside of you. You're on high
30:33
Speaker 1: alert all the fucking time. Playing the victim. It is
30:35
Speaker 1: so exhausting. And you tell yourself, well, if I were
30:38
Speaker 1: to get rid of playing the victim, I would have
30:40
Speaker 1: no I would have no tools in the shed, I
30:42
Speaker 1: would like no one would want to be my friend anymore. No, man,
30:45
Speaker 1: how would I keep people close if they didn't feel
30:47
Speaker 1: bad for me? Well, that's just your answer, isn't it.
30:49
Speaker 1: Why the fuck do you want people to be close
30:51
Speaker 1: with you If the only reason that they're close with
30:53
Speaker 1: you is because they feel pity for you, That's terrible.
30:55
Speaker 1: Like you want to turn it around and think people
30:58
Speaker 1: should want to hang out with me because I've got
30:59
Speaker 1: some to offer them, not because they feel trapped. Okay, Now,
31:05
Speaker 1: responsibility is also confronting because it removes excuses. Okay, the
31:09
Speaker 1: moment you stop being the victim, you lose the comfort
31:13
Speaker 1: of Oh, I couldn't do this because of this, or
31:15
Speaker 1: they made me do this, or I had no choice
31:17
Speaker 1: in the matter because of these, or I wasn't able
31:19
Speaker 1: to or I was abandoned and everyone and this and
31:22
Speaker 1: that Okay, responsibility, taking responsibility for change. It's not about blaming.
31:27
Speaker 1: It means I'm going to make the change in my life.
31:29
Speaker 1: This shit happened. It might suck, but I'm the only
31:33
Speaker 1: one that can make the change. It's not up to
31:34
Speaker 1: the people around me. It's not up to all these people.
31:36
Speaker 1: It's not even up to someone who wronged me to
31:39
Speaker 1: turn around and make it right. Okay if I mean
31:43
Speaker 1: ideally they would if they were a nice person. But
31:45
Speaker 1: we can't be waiting for closure. We can't be waiting
31:48
Speaker 1: like you did this to me, and I can't move
31:50
Speaker 1: on until you turn around and apologize, or make it right,
31:52
Speaker 1: or make it better, or pay me back or not
31:55
Speaker 1: all these things. You can only hope that that would happen.
31:58
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, if you give
32:00
Speaker 1: the power to the person that hurt you, you're sitting
32:02
Speaker 1: in this waiting phase in your life, feeling like more
32:05
Speaker 1: and more and more of the victim. You could still
32:07
Speaker 1: be expecting that someone would, you know, improve their behavior,
32:11
Speaker 1: while also taking responsibility for where your life is headed
32:14
Speaker 1: and thinking right whether that happens or not. I need
32:16
Speaker 1: to turn shit around. I need to feel better about
32:18
Speaker 1: myself and I'm going to start making progress in this
32:20
Speaker 1: direction of my life. Okay, you no longer need people
32:23
Speaker 1: to feel bad for you. You don't longer need people
32:27
Speaker 1: to reassure you constantly, for people to be taking your
32:30
Speaker 1: side all the time versus someone else's side, like for
32:32
Speaker 1: people to feel torn for them to feel guilty. You
32:35
Speaker 1: don't need people to be validating your pain twenty four seven.
32:38
Speaker 1: And it's not because your pain wasn't real, but it's
32:41
Speaker 1: because you no longer need to be witnessed in order
32:43
Speaker 1: to do something about it. Okay, Now, controlling yourself means
32:49
Speaker 1: that you've got to sit with this discomfort a little
32:51
Speaker 1: bit more temporarily, and then it goes away. And the
32:54
Speaker 1: reason why it feels so uncomfortable is because you're not
32:57
Speaker 1: leaning on using guilt shifting responsibility, shifting blame. You can't
33:03
Speaker 1: manipulate anyone. It all falls on you. But the payoff
33:08
Speaker 1: when you do this is that the discomfort fades eventually
33:12
Speaker 1: because it's you know, you've just got to get used
33:13
Speaker 1: to it. It's like kind of you know, teething teething issues.
33:16
Speaker 1: And then once once this becomes a constant, the discomfort
33:19
Speaker 1: goes away. You no longer feel like you're depending on
33:22
Speaker 1: other people for your happiness, and you're able to really
33:25
Speaker 1: start to self regulate, and that replaces this need for control.
33:29
Speaker 1: You start feeling so much calmer within yourself because instead
33:32
Speaker 1: of putting all your energy and controlling other people, you're
33:34
Speaker 1: sitting in this space of like, I'm going to control
33:37
Speaker 1: my own pace. If this person wants to doesn't want
33:39
Speaker 1: to hang out with me and all of a sudden
33:40
Speaker 1: turns around and starts hanging out with this new friend
33:43
Speaker 1: that they made through work or through their travels, so
33:47
Speaker 1: be it right? Like, what's the alternative? Gun to their head?
33:50
Speaker 1: You are fucking having dinner with me tonight or else? Like,
33:53
Speaker 1: what is the alternative? But if they do want to
33:55
Speaker 1: hang out with that other person and they don't want
33:57
Speaker 1: to hang out with me, what does this mean for
33:59
Speaker 1: my evening? What am I going to do? I could
34:01
Speaker 1: sit here and fester think of a really snarky text
34:04
Speaker 1: to write to them tomorrow fester, or I could sit
34:08
Speaker 1: here and think about maybe I could, you know, have
34:10
Speaker 1: a night to myself. Maybe I could contact another friend
34:13
Speaker 1: that I've been wanting to meet up with for a
34:15
Speaker 1: long time and I haven't, And probably I'm the one
34:17
Speaker 1: who's dropped the ball without friendship. Maybe I could be
34:20
Speaker 1: doing this, Maybe I could be doing that. Maybe I
34:21
Speaker 1: could run a bath, Maybe I could do a little
34:23
Speaker 1: fucking plan for my week, whatever it is. Okay, so
34:26
Speaker 1: that's that's when you start to focus on your inner piece.
34:30
Speaker 1: I'm not going to force someone to do something for
34:32
Speaker 1: me to feel better. What can I do to make
34:33
Speaker 1: myself feel better? What can I do creatively? How can
34:36
Speaker 1: I start to turn my life around? How can I
34:37
Speaker 1: start to you know, learn how to look at a
34:41
Speaker 1: neutral situation in a positive way instead of instantly a
34:43
Speaker 1: negative way where I am the victim. Okay, your life
34:47
Speaker 1: starts to become unpredictable in a good way. People that
34:51
Speaker 1: control themselves instead of others don't feel the need to
34:55
Speaker 1: over explain because you're only focusing on yourself. If everything's
34:58
Speaker 1: about controlling other people, you're constantly over explaining your constant
35:01
Speaker 1: it's all about them and how they view you. Okay,
35:04
Speaker 1: you're not chasing, You're just attracting. If I'm feeling good
35:08
Speaker 1: about myself, if I'm comfortable, if I'm happy in my
35:10
Speaker 1: own skin, more people are going to want to hang
35:11
Speaker 1: out with you. Trust me, you're not negotiating your worth
35:14
Speaker 1: twenty four to seven. You're not reactive impulsively. You're not
35:17
Speaker 1: this like hectic energy to be around. You're cool, come
35:20
Speaker 1: and collected, And even if you're like chaotic in your
35:24
Speaker 1: own sense, people are still going to be drawn to
35:26
Speaker 1: you because you're not making them feel a certain negative
35:30
Speaker 1: way every time they hang out with you. You're not
35:32
Speaker 1: that draining friend anymore. You're that you know, empowering friends.
35:36
Speaker 1: You move from thinking why is this happening to me?
35:38
Speaker 1: Why is everyone doing xyz? To thinking what am I
35:41
Speaker 1: going to do about this? What can I do about this?
35:44
Speaker 1: You start feeling like there's so much, so many resources
35:48
Speaker 1: you know, available to me that I can use with
35:51
Speaker 1: my knowledge, with my expertise, with my creativity, with my
35:54
Speaker 1: ability to bounce back, with my resilience, I can pull
35:57
Speaker 1: all these tools out and I can do something about
35:59
Speaker 1: this city suation that's happening to me. Okay, the moment
36:02
Speaker 1: that you stop being the victim in your life and
36:05
Speaker 1: needing to control other people through guilt, through manipulation, through
36:09
Speaker 1: it's all on you. You're responsible for making me feel
36:11
Speaker 1: better that kind of thing, then you can actually become
36:14
Speaker 1: the creator of your life and where you're headed, okay,
36:17
Speaker 1: and that's when things start to change. So someone in
36:19
Speaker 1: my live show made a comment about an in law
36:22
Speaker 1: that just hadn't spoken to them for years, right, And
36:25
Speaker 1: I answered this question, and basically what I said is here,
36:29
Speaker 1: you are upset and like hurt about the fact that
36:32
Speaker 1: your sister in law never talks to you, doesn't want
36:36
Speaker 1: to talk to you, you know, and she's wondering how
36:38
Speaker 1: can I turn this around? How can I change it?
36:40
Speaker 1: And my answer didn't Well, I didn't give for any
36:42
Speaker 1: tools on how to change it. I said, you won't
36:45
Speaker 1: and you shouldn't. If someone you know, obviously, if you've
36:49
Speaker 1: done all the right as long as you haven't gone
36:51
Speaker 1: and hurt them, have been an absolute whanker and asshole,
36:53
Speaker 1: and they've drawn a boundary. But if they're for no
36:55
Speaker 1: reason genuinely, I don't want to talk to you. I
36:57
Speaker 1: want to make you feel isolated. Every time you come
36:59
Speaker 1: into the family, you allow that if someone has shown
37:02
Speaker 1: you that they are awful, mean, easy to cut people
37:06
Speaker 1: out on a whim. Don't want to talk to someone
37:09
Speaker 1: that's trying to enter the family and be peaceful. That
37:12
Speaker 1: is a blessing that is a fucking blessing. This is
37:15
Speaker 1: exactly what they let them. Theory is about. You are
37:17
Speaker 1: letting them not talk to you. If someone is awful
37:20
Speaker 1: and chooses not to talk to me, thak fuck for that.
37:23
Speaker 1: I'd rather that than them talking to me and being
37:26
Speaker 1: horrible and me having to manage that kind of situation.
37:29
Speaker 1: So I said, you're going to actually do nothing. That's
37:31
Speaker 1: what You're going to do nothing. You know, it's an
37:33
Speaker 1: actual blessing when someone who's awful has an opportunity to
37:37
Speaker 1: show you their true colors and then gives you the
37:39
Speaker 1: opportunity to know exactly where you sit with them, and
37:42
Speaker 1: then you're not confused, You're not you know, oh my god,
37:45
Speaker 1: I'm faking this. I'm faking that. You don't have to
37:48
Speaker 1: waste your fucking time with this surface level relationships where
37:51
Speaker 1: it's like surface level niceness, but in reality you're like,
37:54
Speaker 1: I actually hate this person and they hate me, and
37:56
Speaker 1: here we are like pretending to bull like fucking fuck
37:59
Speaker 1: that shit off. Okay, So when situations like that happen,
38:03
Speaker 1: you should feel glad that you're not there trying to
38:05
Speaker 1: control that situation or that relationship. It is such a
38:09
Speaker 1: good thing. Next time someone shows you their true colors,
38:11
Speaker 1: instead of thinking like, can you believe this happened to me,
38:14
Speaker 1: you should be like, what a fuck'm blessing? Thank fuck
38:16
Speaker 1: for that, Thank fuck that they showed me their true colors.
38:19
Speaker 1: That's so good. They're saving me time, They're saving me energy,
38:23
Speaker 1: They're saving me having to talk to them when I
38:25
Speaker 1: don't like small talk with people that I don't gel with, Like,
38:27
Speaker 1: this is such a good thing. Not everyone has to
38:30
Speaker 1: like you, and it's not the end of the world
38:32
Speaker 1: when people are mean to you. It actually just streamlines
38:36
Speaker 1: your life so much more than you realize. So basically,
38:41
Speaker 1: in summary of this episode, I want you to start
38:43
Speaker 1: to do a little bit of an inventory of where
38:46
Speaker 1: is it that I feel like I'm losing control and
38:48
Speaker 1: then I'm clinging onto all these other things to feel
38:51
Speaker 1: like I'm more in control. Is it when friends hang
38:54
Speaker 1: out with other people? Is it when my partner does
38:56
Speaker 1: X y Z? Is it when my parents are doing
38:57
Speaker 1: this or my in laws? Every time you feel the
39:00
Speaker 1: need to control someone through guilt or manipulation or all
39:04
Speaker 1: the examples that I gave, it is a prime opportunity
39:07
Speaker 1: for you to pause and say, would I actually be
39:09
Speaker 1: better off not trying to control this person using a
39:12
Speaker 1: boundary instead of a demand, as I explained in this
39:15
Speaker 1: episode on what the difference is and seeing where things fall. Okay,
39:20
Speaker 1: instead of trying to control everything up in the air,
39:21
Speaker 1: I just allow things to land using boundaries not demands,
39:25
Speaker 1: and seeing where things land, and then I can make
39:27
Speaker 1: a real assessment of this relationship, of this friendship of whatever.
39:31
Speaker 1: And it's not saying you've got to cut people out left,
39:32
Speaker 1: front and center, but you begin to manage your expectations
39:35
Speaker 1: around the people around you in a really healthy way
39:37
Speaker 1: because you're managing your expectations based on who they are,
39:40
Speaker 1: not based on who you're trying to get them to become.
39:43
Speaker 1: And then you've got the knowledge that you need to
39:46
Speaker 1: proceed forward with your relationships. And also this really expands,
39:49
Speaker 1: and like it grows your positive relationship with yourself because
39:53
Speaker 1: you start thinking, I'm not using these people for validation.
39:56
Speaker 1: I'm able to validate myself by feeling calm, by not
39:59
Speaker 1: feeling the need to control other people. The most toxic
40:02
Speaker 1: people in the world are the ones that are so
40:05
Speaker 1: unhappy with themselves that they're constantly doing things to control
40:08
Speaker 1: other people. This is also very clear on people with
40:11
Speaker 1: a lot of fucking power, you know, leaders of countries
40:15
Speaker 1: and all of that miserable cunts out there who they
40:19
Speaker 1: find the way that they feel better about themselves, which
40:24
Speaker 1: is all a lie that don't actually end up feeling
40:25
Speaker 1: better about themselves, but the lie that they tell them
40:27
Speaker 1: is the more power I can have over other people,
40:29
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel more in control of my own circumstances,
40:33
Speaker 1: and then I can feel a little bit better. Okay,
40:34
Speaker 1: those who never feel the need to control other people
40:37
Speaker 1: but maybe positively influence at best, but never control other
40:41
Speaker 1: ones that are happiest in life and you know, are
40:44
Speaker 1: way more at peace in life. Okay, hopefully that struck
40:49
Speaker 1: a chord with you, And maybe it struck a chord
40:52
Speaker 1: with you, but where you're thinking about it for someone else.
40:54
Speaker 1: So send this episode to that person who is like
40:57
Speaker 1: this and hopefully it resonates with them as well. As always,
41:00
Speaker 1: please keep liking and sharing and rating the podcast. This
41:05
Speaker 1: podcast grows obviously because of you, guys, so thank you
41:07
Speaker 1: so much. I really appreciate it. Anyway. That is all
41:09
Speaker 1: for today's episode, Love you guys so much. As always,
41:13
Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
41:15
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
41:17
Speaker 1: from yourself. Dun't