Latest / Questionable Detour / Changing laws, Not Judging others, and being movie buffs

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Changing laws, Not Judging others, and being movie buffs · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're going to make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:14
I think if there's a life or death situation where they say point to Belgium on a map, there's no way I'd be able to do that.
0:32
Yeah.
0:33
Resonating.
0:34
I would have to close my eyes and listen.
0:36
Yeah, I think that's how most people venture into Belgium.
0:39
Just on a wing and a prayer.
0:42
I think you just say Germany is close enough and then you just like, that's it.
0:47
That was Hitler's mentality too.
0:49
It was just like, Germany is close enough to you.
0:53
You're now Germany because Germany is close enough.
0:57
So we made it what, two minutes in a Hitler joke?
0:59
Yeah.
1:03
There will be many more.
1:05
That shan't be the last Hitler joke.
1:07
Just warming up.
1:07
Yeah, welcome weary travelers to the tavern that is our podcast.
1:17
We've got a nice broth for you.
1:23
Broth and ale.
1:25
Come warm yourself by our hearth.
1:30
Eat at our table.
1:33
We only have one table.
1:34
You're not a big tavern.
1:39
We are a small business, a meager business.
1:43
But we do have broth.
1:44
But we've got broth.
1:46
We got bosoms you can nestle in.
1:49
You say bosoms?
1:50
Bosoms.
1:51
Okay.
1:51
But we also have bosoms.
1:53
Bosom is, we should probably say this, he's our cook.
1:59
Boy howdy is he good to nestle in.
2:02
Nestle in our bosoms.
2:05
We have multiple cooks named bosom?
2:07
Yes.
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We don't even try to remember their names.
2:10
We have a touch.
2:11
We're just like, you cook food?
2:13
Bosom.
2:14
Your name's bosom.
2:14
It really narrows down the hiring process when we say the request has to be for a
2:19
person named bosom.
2:20
Yeah.
2:22
Hey everybody and welcome to questionable detour.
2:25
This is a podcast about nothing important.
2:28
You're not going to learn anything.
2:29
You will probably leave here with less knowledge than you started off with when
2:34
you showed up.
2:35
I'm Alan.
2:36
I'm joined here by Evan and Zach.
2:39
We're going to jump into some hypothetical questions.
2:42
Let's go.
2:43
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
2:48
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
2:51
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
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Now us three in this room are nowhere near powerful people.
2:58
We're not well respected.
3:00
We are not cherished.
3:01
We are not highly thought of.
3:04
So really this is a hypothetical question, but here it is.
3:09
You're a powerful figure in Congress.
3:12
What law would you pass or abolish?
3:15
All right.
3:15
So I'm going to abolish the third amendment.
3:19
No quartering of troops, mainly because I like the troops and I know a few, I think
3:29
they're a fun group to have at the house and I like just, I like strapping on my
3:34
apron.
3:34
I like making up just a, just a batch of bread for them.
3:38
You do become almost housewife ish when you see any kind of man in camouflage.
3:45
Yes.
3:46
Yeah, so a man in uniform, really specifically a uniform that, yeah, it
3:50
doesn't even have to be a military uniform.
3:52
No, you see a man in a mossy Oak camouflage.
3:55
You're like, do you, would you like to come over to my house?
3:59
I've, I've got, I've got some potatoes in the oven is what I tell them.
4:05
Does the potatoes work?
4:06
Is that a good enough lure for the military folk?
4:10
Think of, think about this.
4:11
You've had, you've had a group of troops, a troop of troops, really troops.
4:15
Yeah.
4:16
They've been wandering for a fortnight from their base of operations, going to
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their, their next station and they pass, pass right in front of my home.
4:27
They see smoke coming from the chimney.
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Now we need to tell, we need to tell everybody that your home is a van.
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My home is a van.
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That's why you're so able to get in front of the troops so easily.
4:41
I've got a hot plate.
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And when I say I'm, I'm baking bread, I'm really just buttering a loaf of bread
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that I bought from the store.
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I'm pass, I'm passing them out in Ziploc bags to these troops in your apron,
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in my apron.
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And we don't know if there's anything under that apron.
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You have not, you have not specified whether or not you are wearing
5:03
anything more than just the apron.
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I like to leave something to the imagination.
5:07
The troops do so much for us already.
5:09
I think that I think they deserve to, you know, have this mystery.
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There's not a better tease than seeing a man living out of his van,
5:17
buttering toast in just an apron.
5:19
Yeah.
5:19
Really that amendment is quartering troops in multiple people's houses.
5:24
And I know you're okay with losing that amendment.
5:27
Oh, you're okay with not having that amendment.
5:29
Here's how I think Alan would be once this amendment is abolished.
5:33
People would wake up in the morning, start their breakfast.
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All of a sudden, Alan, he's like, Oh, I'm going to go to bed.
5:39
Alan is walking around in a pantsuit, showing these troops, people's houses,
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as if he's a realtor.
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And he's like, here's, here's the living room, a bunch of natural light.
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Over here is a bedroom, very big walk in closet.
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And these people are at their table eating with their families,
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just wondering where the heck is going.
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Is it, I assume this is what you're doing.
6:01
It's a lot like that, except I don't really show them like it's an option.
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I kind of, I kind of opened the door and I say, this is where you're staying.
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I said, we've got this road blocked off for you.
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Um, you can put bunk beds in any room of the house.
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What are the families that live there?
6:19
You usually say about that.
6:20
You know, they kind of start off a little bit.
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Unsure little apprehensive, you know, but, um, after they get hit by the
6:28
troops a couple of times, you know, for, for, uh, for talking back, you know,
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all right, right.
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They tend to, uh, they tend to be pretty compliant.
6:38
Okay.
6:38
But no, my whole issue with the no quartering troops thing is what quarter
6:42
of the troops are you taking out?
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Like they're just going to have three limbs from now on.
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Oh, you took, he means he doesn't mean quartering, like living in.
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He means like, like, why would you do that?
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Anyway, quartering them is cutting them up.
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I've got a bunch of amputees right.
6:55
Right.
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Exactly.
6:56
So it's like, you want to bring that back.
6:58
They outlawed that for a reason.
6:59
You know, so that, that is a valid question and I'm glad you kind of
7:02
brought it to our attention.
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So what I'm, what I like to do is the quarter that I cut off, I make sure
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that for the right-handed folk, I just cut off their left arm.
7:12
Okay.
7:13
That's good.
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And then for the left-handed folk, I cut off their right arm.
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You're very, you're very generous.
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I like to think so.
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I mean, I'm giving out buttered bread.
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So you are giving out butter bread and showing them homes.
7:24
Okay.
7:24
So I took it originally as when you're quartering the troops, I just assumed
7:30
you're throwing a handful of quarters at them that you're almost paying them
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because you don't believe they're getting paid enough.
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You don't believe in checks and cash.
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You believe in mounds and bags full of quarters.
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Uh, let me say, let me say this.
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I would never pay a troop anything.
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If anything, they owe you.
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That's actually what I do.
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So when I'm in that pantsuit and I'm showing people the houses, I say,
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this is where you sleep.
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Now give me a quarter.
7:56
Oh, that makes sense.
7:59
I understand it.
8:00
Now I see where the confusion might've been, might've been drawn.
8:04
I'm against not quartering troops because I lose money when that happens.
8:09
Got you.
8:09
I honestly, that's the spirit of America, right?
8:12
Right.
8:12
Yeah.
8:13
Yeah.
8:13
That makes a lot of sense.
8:14
I understand that.
8:16
All right, Evan, you are in the Senate or Congress.
8:19
You get to pass a law.
8:21
What law are you passing or abolishing?
8:23
I'm going to abolish the first amendment.
8:25
Oh, I don't think anyone should be able to speak.
8:28
I want full silence at all times.
8:30
I want everyone to have to write things at all times.
8:33
Yeah.
8:34
I want no audio cues.
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I want to live life like a deaf man.
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And that's the one thing I've always thought of in my head is what would this
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be like if I was deaf, any situation where I'm like, God, this person's so
8:46
annoying and stuff talking, it could be avoided.
8:49
First amendment.
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I could send them to jail.
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I could have them hung.
8:53
Gosh, there's bringing back a lot of laws.
8:56
Yeah.
8:56
Okay.
8:57
So you're not only, you're not only against free speech.
9:01
You want no speech.
9:03
Yes.
9:03
Well, all speech is free speech if everybody's speaking.
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So, you know, it's just like, you gotta cut it down to no speech.
9:09
Yeah.
9:10
You're like, it's just too many people are getting offended.
9:12
Just don't talk at all.
9:13
Is this your way of getting out of this podcast?
9:17
I don't want to say yes because you're sitting here, but it would be a very
9:23
awkward time for you to bring up that you don't want to be here.
9:26
You have been in my house for way too long and you won't leave.
9:31
It's been years.
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Well, Alan, Alan can't legally leave because he is quartered troops in here.
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Now.
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So I've got a half dozen hungry guys in there.
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All right.
9:43
Y'all, y'all have abolished a couple of things for y'all's laws.
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And I'm going to take it the other way.
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I'm going to instill a law.
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Here's my law.
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I believe that we lost a very hardened and stout American
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tradition when we stopped dueling.
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When we said we can no longer duel and you're upset with another person,
10:04
we lost something.
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We lost something in the American spirit, but I found just dueling
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with guns to be very boring.
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So here's mine.
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You can't fight them.
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You can't duel them with a gun.
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You have to make a pit and fight rats.
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They have a rat, you have a rat, you fight rats.
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Whatever rat wins, you are correct in that disagreement.
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So if Evan comes over and calls me a liar and how dare he judge my
10:29
character that way, I say, go get your rat, Evan, go get your rat.
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And we're going to, we're going to fight rats right now.
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And obviously, you know, my rat would win because Evan's rat is
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emaciated and just altogether a loser.
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So basically the law that you're instilling is Pokemon.
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That's what I was going to say.
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That's what you're describing.
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It's not, it's something like Pokemon.
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Yes.
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But Pokemon at least has a variety of creatures.
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I don't want to buy solely rats and you know, imagine how the world would be.
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Everybody would have a little cage.
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They would have just kind of slung around almost like a person would be
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their fighting rat.
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So if I can ask, what are you going to do about all the other animal
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fighting that already exists in the world?
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Are you going to make the cock fighters, if you will, get rid of their
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cocks and get rats?
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You know, I will never separate somebody from the cock, but I personally,
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I personally, I personally don't believe that.
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I don't know if that's an amendment in the constitution, but that is
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something I will pass alongside of my dueling rat amendment is you never
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separate the cocks from the rats.
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I don't know if that's an amendment in the constitution, but that is
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something I will pass alongside of my dueling rat amendment.
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I don't think that's an amendment in the constitution, but I truly believe
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that once you start fighting a rat, that's all you're going to want to do anyway.
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I truly believe that rat fighting is far superior to any other fighting,
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dog fighting, cock fighting, you know, that whole thing.
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But I just imagine a world where there is no more issues because all
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issues are settled immediately right in front of you.
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I think it would escalate to eventually being how wars are fought, you know?
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What would be large scale rat fighting at that point?
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I think that would be a very dramatic scene that I would like.
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But do people in our military have a pen pal to the corresponding military
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and then those rats fight each other?
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I think I like that idea.
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They have to meet up in the battlefield.
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They have to meet up and there's like a big, you know, there's a pit in the
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middle with the rats and they're fighting, but then around the pit is
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just a bunch of screaming and cheering soldiers fighting rats.
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So whenever you whenever you're getting into this battle, whenever you're
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releasing your rat, do you have to say a certain catchphrase when you're
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releasing them from their cage?
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I like that idea.
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I think that adds some some pizzazz to it.
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You know, something like I would rat attack, you know, just yell something
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like that.
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Ratata, I choose you.
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Well, I mean, I don't know.
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Pokemon still exist in my world.
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I feel like people would kind of judge you for, you know,
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judge you for using a Pokemon.
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But yeah, there may be some copyright infringement.
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Yeah.
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Yell whatever you're going to yell.
13:13
OK.
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And yeah, if, you know, you get into a battle with another neighboring
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country and you start dueling rats, maybe the rats have little uniforms,
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you know, it would not only be useful, it wouldn't hurt and it would be adorable.
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It would be cute.
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They have a little.
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Could you imagine like a little little army uniform on a rat as they fight?
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Yeah.
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Well, it would be cute before they started fighting.
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But then when they started fighting, it wouldn't be less cute.
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Well, the blood and the loss of limbs.
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I wouldn't put it on a calendar.
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At least initially, you put your rat down, every soldier goes, oh,
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and they're fighting.
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And then all of a sudden, they, you know, blood and hair.
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As kind of an offshoot of the pit the rats fight in,
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I think it'd be cool to go through trench warfare.
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OK.
13:56
Yeah.
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Where they have to find the other rat in the trenches.
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Sort of like a labyrinth kind of thing.
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Yeah, you're kind of adding the mouse and the maze.
14:03
Yeah.
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Like we all did in like middle school for a science fair.
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Now it's a violent end.
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You don't find you don't find a cheese at the end of the maze.
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You find another rat that's ready to kill you.
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Yeah.
14:12
I like that.
14:13
Our next hypothetical, boys, what would you do differently
14:16
if you could no longer be judged for it?
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What actions would you do differently if nobody would judge you for it?
14:21
Reading fairy smut.
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I would do it.
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I would do it in a heartbeat.
14:25
You do have a lot of fairy smut up here on your bookshelves.
14:29
I've never read a single word of it.
14:31
Yeah.
14:31
Well, it's a question on whether you're literate at all.
14:35
But there is a lot of fairy smut.
14:37
It looks like the library in the Beauty and the Beast.
14:41
Yeah, it's just it's just it's great Hall's worth of this fairy smut.
14:45
You have not read one of these.
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And I think the characters in the book are also very Beauty and the Beast.
14:51
Yeah, yeah.
14:51
It's it all wraps around.
14:53
I haven't read a single word of it.
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That's for fear of judgment.
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And that honestly, that fear inside of me makes me respect those that can read it.
15:01
Yeah.
15:02
And you're not afraid of people judging you for the fact that you have this much fairy smut.
15:08
Well, no, I just explained to him I've never read it.
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It just sits in these great halls.
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So you just buy the books compulsively.
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You don't ever crack one open.
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Anytime I see one immediately.
15:18
Evan and I have gone to bookstores multiple times, not for books, obviously.
15:22
That's the first thing he asked the counter is like, point me point me to the fairy smut.
15:27
There's a fairy getting dicked down in here.
15:29
Where is it at?
15:29
You know, you we walk up and Evan
15:32
goes, if there's some fornicating fairies and sometimes, sometimes the front desk clerk
15:40
will point to a couple of guys in tight shorts.
15:42
But that's not the fairies.
15:43
Evan's looking for.
15:44
He's looking for fairy smut.
15:47
And a lot of times we exit that bookstore with a wheelbarrow full of just books.
15:53
So, Evan, tell me the reason I bought a truck.
15:57
What do you look for in a fairy smut book cover?
16:01
So it's got to be dark, obviously.
16:03
The whole thing's got to be black.
16:04
You you lean toward one race in your fairies.
16:06
No, no, no, no.
16:07
The background color has to be black.
16:09
And the character on the front has to be a male character, shirtless, obviously.
16:14
His hair is going to be spiky, dark colored.
16:18
He's probably got abs.
16:19
He definitely has abs.
16:21
He's got some dark makeup on around his eyes.
16:24
Yeah.
16:26
He has like a string of cloth just flowing off his arm, blowing in the breeze.
16:31
And he's just looking dubious and just looks like he's had a bad day for like the last
16:38
10 years.
16:40
I'm thinking maybe he's probably got like thorns growing up one leg or something like
16:44
that.
16:45
Definitely.
16:46
He has tattoos on most of his body.
16:48
Is there a fairy on the book cover or is it just.
16:51
That's the fairy.
16:52
Oh, maybe.
16:53
I think.
16:54
I keep buying them.
16:55
I don't know.
16:56
I just buy them for the cover.
16:57
I just buy them for the cover.
16:58
I don't know.
16:59
I just buy them for the cover.
17:01
I don't know any of the character.
17:03
Yeah, I forgot that you haven't read any of these.
17:05
Yeah, you're asking too many questions about that.
17:08
So if you listen to an audio book of your fairy smut, does that count as you reading
17:12
it?
17:13
I feel like yes, and I would never do it.
17:15
OK.
17:16
Oh, you've got integrity.
17:17
And that's a hard stance there on that.
17:18
I didn't know.
17:19
I would be judged if if they knew I knew a single thing about that book.
17:23
I feel like I would be judged.
17:25
And that's just why you haven't been collecting.
17:27
That's why I keep it surface level.
17:29
Judge a book by its cover.
17:30
I applaud your wishful thinking with this hypothetical.
17:33
You have this amount of fairy smut just in case somehow judging stops.
17:40
People wouldn't judge you for it.
17:41
Exactly.
17:42
I hope for a better world every day.
17:44
Yeah.
17:45
But here we are.
17:46
We have two people judging me for even having these books.
17:48
Yeah, we're doing it.
17:49
This is a lot.
17:51
It's sectioned off alphabetically as well.
17:53
It is impressive how you have organized this library full of very smart.
17:58
All right.
17:59
So if I were to not be judged for one day, I would push over every old person in an electric
18:06
scooter I possibly could.
18:08
They are always so pretentious when they look at me driving through a Kroger.
18:13
I'm not crazy.
18:14
I swear.
18:15
All right.
18:16
I don't see things.
18:17
But every time an old person or a heavy person drives by me in an E-skirt, they look at me
18:22
and go, I cannot believe you're using your legs.
18:25
And I just go home.
18:26
I feel judged by them that I am not in a rascal scooter.
18:30
So I would not like to be judged for pushing them onto the floor for judging me that they
18:36
have a rascal scooter.
18:37
Making a lot of leaps here.
18:40
I am taking leaps because I'm not in a rascal scooter, Alan.
18:43
All right.
18:44
He's taking leaps because his legs work, Alan.
18:46
Yeah, that's right.
18:48
And my BMI is not 92.
18:51
OK?
18:53
But I know y'all have seen an old person driving around in a scooter and be like, I wonder
18:58
what would happen if I just kind of give him a shove.
19:01
Don't know that I have.
19:02
You have never.
19:03
That may be an internal struggle for you.
19:05
I feel like this is something everybody can relate on.
19:08
I think when I see somebody who is not the age I think should be riding in one of those
19:14
scooters, then I have that thought.
19:17
Like if they're 40 or something and they're riding around in a scooter, I'm thinking,
19:21
OK, is this just for attention?
19:23
Who hurt you?
19:24
I don't know.
19:26
I don't believe that they need to be in that scooter.
19:29
Yeah, there are some people that you see and you're like, you probably should be walking,
19:33
you know?
19:34
Like it would be better for you if you were walking.
19:36
I don't have that same feeling.
19:37
That's why you push them out so that they'll start walking.
19:39
Well, yeah, and then you can claim to be the Christ.
19:42
I give you that.
19:44
Because they get up and walk and people are like, look at this miracle doer.
19:50
He just made this person with no legs walk.
19:52
Now, do you sit in the do you get in the scooter yourself and like start slowly moving away
19:56
from them?
19:57
Like, all right, you can come sit down if you can make it to the scooter.
19:59
There you go.
20:00
Yeah, I do.
20:01
And then you just go a little bit further.
20:02
I do.
20:03
Reach out and you bump back.
20:04
I do.
20:05
This is a common thread that I know I share with everybody.
20:08
I don't know that you feel that confident about it.
20:10
I think Croaker, Walmart, Publix, they set these scooters out just because they know
20:17
that people are going to want to push people out of them.
20:19
They're just enticing and teasing us.
20:21
You should feel much less confident about this.
20:23
But I feel very confident about this.
20:25
The first thing I thought whenever you brought this to the group is I thought you're talking
20:29
about like bird scooters, like lime scooters that like the standing scooters that people
20:34
ride downtown.
20:35
Oh, like a razor scooter.
20:36
Yeah, like a razor scooter by electric electric.
20:38
Yeah.
20:39
I thought you were talking about those and I was like, how many elderly people do you
20:41
see on electric razor scooters riding down the sidewalk?
20:45
I don't see enough elderly people riding those scooters.
20:48
And here's the thing.
20:49
I would feel less inclined to push them off of one of those bird city scooters because
20:53
at least that takes some skill.
20:55
It takes no skill to ride in like a rascal scooter, you know?
20:59
At least the bird scooter, you got to like, you got to catch up to them.
21:01
Right.
21:02
Well, yeah, they move a little bit.
21:03
Let's be real.
21:04
The reason I'm not pushing people off those scooters is because I can't catch up to them.
21:08
Right.
21:09
I can catch up to an old person riding one of those rascal scooters.
21:12
It's a crime of opportunity.
21:14
Yeah, absolutely.
21:17
But I mean, I could just imagine the looks I would get if some old lady is trying to
21:22
handle frail arms, little frail arms, trying to grab a gallon of milk and try to move into
21:28
that dumb, stupid basket that they have on the front of the ride.
21:32
And I come over like a NFL linebacker and shove her out of it.
21:35
Oh, that'd be good.
21:36
See?
21:37
The feeling.
21:38
I'm getting there.
21:39
I'm getting there.
21:40
I wasn't there when we first started, but I'm getting there.
21:45
Yeah, I'm telling you, this is a common thread throughout all of humanity.
21:49
And even if they don't know it, somewhere locked in their subliminal mind, they go,
21:55
maybe I would like to push that, I would like to push that Ethel out of the scooter.
22:01
You know?
22:02
There's a little lady named Ethel.
22:03
They're always this.
22:05
Yeah.
22:06
She started this whole thing in me.
22:07
If I, if the moment that I am no longer judged for that action, Ethel's coming out of that
22:12
scooter.
22:13
That's fair.
22:14
Yeah.
22:15
All right, Alan, if you could not be judged for an action that you do, what would it be?
22:18
I would dress up in a kimono with face painted like a Japanese geisha.
22:26
Oh, I, I wonder where you got that from.
22:30
Now this is something that came to me in somewhat of a vision.
22:35
And by vision, I mean, there is a Japanese geisha sitting on this table in front of us.
22:40
Not an actual Japanese geisha.
22:42
We don't have one in the room.
22:47
That was not in the, a real one was not in the budget, but this is a, this is about a
22:51
foot tall figurine.
22:54
There's actually a geisha here.
22:55
I know it might be hard for people to tell when we're actually being serious or not.
22:58
This geisha was given as a dirty Santa gift as a, as a bit, but it's almost February and
23:06
the geisha is still at Evan's house.
23:09
It lives on the bookshelves.
23:10
It's awoken something in Evan, much like it has in you.
23:13
And the fact that now you see this and you're like, I could see myself looking like this.
23:18
I, when I look at a geisha person, I look at their painted white face and I think, I
23:30
like a white face.
23:31
He doesn't.
23:32
And since it's really insensitive to go the other way, I double down on white face.
23:40
Yeah.
23:41
It's hard to be a geisha.
23:42
Because I can't do anything.
23:44
I can't get in trouble if I do white face.
23:46
Sure.
23:47
Well, you, you can't be sued because in this hypothetical, you can't be judged.
23:51
I can't be judged.
23:52
I can't be sued.
23:53
To sue somebody, you have to have legitimately judged.
23:56
That is true.
23:57
So are you going to go full kimono face paint and you're, are you going to wear those, those
24:01
little block sandals that they wear?
24:04
This made out of just two by four?
24:07
Yes.
24:08
Yes.
24:09
I'm going to use those and I'm going to do like they do in those, the samurai movies
24:13
where they jump from building to building in those little clogs.
24:16
Yeah.
24:17
It's good that you're wearing those.
24:18
That way we can hear you coming and try to dodge you because I don't think I could fully
24:22
wrap my head around you in a kimono and Japanese face paint.
24:26
Would it be cooler if I had hidden in the folds of my kimono, a samurai sword?
24:34
Would that make the situation any better?
24:36
Okay.
24:37
You've won me over now.
24:38
If you had a samurai sword, maybe, maybe, maybe that'd be cool.
24:42
When's the last time you watched an anime?
24:46
What time is it right now?
24:47
What time did we start?
24:51
You're watching it on his phone.
24:54
Y'all were, y'all were fiddling with the computer and I'm sure I had a couple pulled up.
24:59
Yeah.
25:00
You watched multiple animes at one time.
25:02
Serving the, the anime webs.
25:04
I think you know what anime is.
25:07
Give us, go to Alan, Alan, that's a good point, Evan.
25:10
Alan, go to give us what you think anime is.
25:12
Give us your top three animes after you tell us what anime is.
25:14
I mean, I actually know anime, Pokemon.
25:17
I mean, that's an anime.
25:19
Japanese animated programming starring Ash Ketchum and his trusty friend, Pikachu.
25:26
You got all those correct.
25:28
That's one anime.
25:29
Name other animes for us.
25:30
We've got, let's see, Attack on Titan.
25:34
That's good.
25:35
Which is an anime about the Tennessee Titans.
25:39
No, no, no.
25:41
This is a, this is the one about the, the black and white school that comes together
25:45
to play football.
25:46
Oh, that's right.
25:47
And so Washington.
25:48
Yeah.
25:49
And it's good.
25:50
We remember the Titans.
25:51
Yeah, we remember the Titans.
25:52
We remember the Attack on Titans.
25:54
Yeah.
25:55
One more.
25:56
I guess I'd have to say Dragon Ball Z.
26:00
I guess technically an anime.
26:04
So I guess suck on, suck on that.
26:07
Yeah.
26:08
I mean, we asked you a question and you answered it.
26:12
I don't know what we really expected.
26:13
I don't know either.
26:14
I don't know.
26:15
It's not like we really know any either.
26:18
How many dragon, is there a whole alphabet situation going on there?
26:21
Is it just one?
26:22
I think that was the last show.
26:23
Yeah, that was the last one.
26:24
Started with Dragon Ball A?
26:25
Yeah.
26:26
Yeah.
26:27
You just kind of loop around.
26:28
26 of them.
26:29
Okay.
26:30
That's a lot.
26:31
All right.
26:32
For our last hypothetical for this episode, if you could only say one word for the rest
26:35
of your life, just one word, what word are you choosing?
26:38
I would choose Rheumatism.
26:40
So that's a four syllable word that you're okay with saying for the rest of your life.
26:44
I'm not even totally sure I know what it means.
26:46
So I had to look it up.
26:48
Okay.
26:49
Um, but I think it's a fun word because it sounds like you have a condition where you're
26:54
allergic to rooms.
26:56
Oh, it does.
26:57
It does sound like you.
26:58
Rheumatism, you know?
26:59
Yeah.
27:00
Like you just are somebody that lives outside because we see Alan just in a bush and he
27:05
were like, who is that?
27:06
Who is that bearded naked man?
27:07
And we say he can't go inside because he has rheumatism.
27:10
He has rheumatism.
27:11
But by the same logic, people with autism are just allergic to amazement.
27:16
Yeah, they're.
27:18
And it's like you always say, it's like you always say, Evan, those people have way more
27:25
wrong with them.
27:26
I didn't say that.
27:27
They do say, they say, they say, who is that naked man?
27:34
Out in the bush.
27:36
And that's Alan.
27:37
He has rheumatism.
27:38
But also they say, who's that naked man out in the bush?
27:41
He has autism.
27:44
They do say both.
27:45
They're they're not mutually exclusive.
27:47
I mean, you can, you can have both.
27:57
But okay, that's I, I, I understand the logic of why you picked that word, but you're just
28:03
willing to say that word whenever.
28:06
Can you give us the definition, the actual definition as well?
28:09
I'm going to flip through the dictionary here.
28:12
This is, this is, oh, that's the one book Evan has in here.
28:15
That's not a very smart is an actual hard copy dictionary.
28:18
This is a Merriam Webster.
28:21
Rheumatism is any disease marked by inflammation and pain in the joints, muscles or fibrous
28:27
tissue.
28:28
Oh, room like rheumatoid arthritis.
28:30
I heard rheumatoid arthritis.
28:31
That's what I heard too.
28:32
A lot of people that I push out of scooters also has that.
28:35
So I think that's why I kind of knew exactly where you're going with it.
28:38
So people come up to you and they're like, Hey, Alan, how you doing?
28:40
You having a good day?
28:42
Rheumatism.
28:43
Do you answer people like that?
28:52
You can say more words now.
28:54
Do you do that now?
28:57
Or is it you when, when this hypothetical situation takes over as, as Evan was just,
29:02
you know, he was talking about me in this hypothetical situation.
29:05
That's how I would probably respond.
29:08
How would you respond if you could say all the words in English language?
29:11
Let's have a normal conversation.
29:12
Yeah.
29:13
Let's rewind this situation back.
29:14
Evan, go ahead and let's see.
29:16
Hey, Alan, this is a normal day.
29:19
How are you doing today?
29:20
You having a good time?
29:21
You having a good day?
29:22
How was work?
29:23
Work was very good.
29:24
Oh, it's the opposite of wow.
29:25
Yeah.
29:26
I had a pretty good day.
29:27
It was kind of rough at parts, but we made it through.
29:36
So the, so the word rheumatism gives you confidence.
29:45
So an aggression.
29:47
Think of rheumatism as like a battle cry.
29:51
Yeah.
29:52
Yeah.
29:53
When you hear me.
29:54
Think about whenever you're putting a rat out, right?
29:56
Yes.
29:57
When I'm releasing my rat and I yell rheumatism, that's your word that you get it.
30:03
That rat says, okay, I, I, I feel the inflammation.
30:08
I'm ready to, ready to exact pain on my rat opponent.
30:13
Yeah.
30:14
I don't know.
30:15
That makes sense.
30:16
Yeah.
30:17
He would inflict joint pain on his opponent.
30:18
Okay.
30:19
It's all come together.
30:20
All right, Evan, one word.
30:23
Two.
30:24
It's not the exercise.
30:26
Is that your, the word you're saying is you're going to say is just a number.
30:30
Two.
30:31
Okay.
30:32
Um, go ahead and explain why I'm going for a numbers game.
30:34
Oh, I thought you were just gonna keep saying two.
30:36
I thought I was too.
30:37
I was like, I should probably actually.
30:40
So it's, it's not just a number, but it is a numbers game.
30:43
So two is a homophone.
30:45
So it can be two, two or two.
30:48
And whenever you're talking to somebody, it can fit multiple different connotations, multiple
30:52
different instances while also being the same word, as long as I never have to write it
30:56
down.
30:57
Now I've had to write it down.
30:58
That kind of ties it to one, but if I'm just saying it, it could be any of them.
31:02
And so it could be multiple meanings.
31:04
That's why this is actually a very good logical answer to this question for three people that
31:10
are, do not give good answers to questions.
31:12
No, yeah.
31:13
No, this is the hardest I've ever thought about anything.
31:17
My brain hurts.
31:18
You're smoking right now.
31:19
I can see your, your head is steaming.
31:21
I think I have a brain.
31:23
I, yeah, I do see him smoking.
31:25
He has three cigarettes.
31:26
He's smoking at one time.
31:27
Yeah.
31:28
One in both ear canals and one straight out the nostril.
31:31
So right nostril.
31:32
So let's follow this train of thought with your word and it's two, right?
31:37
And I like the logic was very smart.
31:38
You can use multiple words out of two in the English language.
31:42
So if I were to come up to you in this hypothetical situation, the only word you can say is two.
31:47
If I were to say, how many children have you molested to Evan, you would say two.
31:54
So you're questioning how many you can't remember.
31:59
Or if I were to say, Evan, how many families have you murdered after breaking into their
32:04
house?
32:05
You would say two.
32:06
Yeah.
32:07
So do you see how this is now falling apart?
32:11
Well, I mean, if you ask anyone anything in a certain, you know, you're framing me wrong.
32:16
I'm not framing you.
32:17
I'm asking you a question.
32:19
Evan, how many times have you exposed yourself to people in a supermarket?
32:24
Two.
32:25
So you see how the number might kind of screw that up?
32:28
I don't know why I've taken offense to your answer, but I have torn it apart like a lawyer.
32:34
You seem really upset that I actually thought about it.
32:38
I hate that.
32:39
It was a good answer.
32:42
No, yeah, that's my fault.
32:45
Yeah, no, it was a solid answer, but you know, it could get you into a little bit of trouble.
32:50
It's like a rheumatoid.
32:52
So after, no, rheumatoid.
32:54
Zach, ask me one of those questions.
32:57
Hey, hey, Alan, how many children have you diddled today?
33:03
Rheumatism.
33:04
See, that doesn't, I don't know.
33:06
Hey, Alan, what condition makes you want to molest people and then you do it?
33:10
Two.
33:11
Listen, listen, Alan's, it doesn't make sense with a lot of conversation.
33:24
But I guess it keeps him out of a lot of trouble.
33:26
It keeps him out of tough situations.
33:28
So let's say, following this train of thought, I have asked you, Evan, how many children
33:32
have you molested?
33:33
Two.
33:35
You get arrested, handcuffed, go to prison, go to court.
33:39
The judge goes, you've been found guilty.
33:41
How many life sentences do you deserve?
33:44
Two.
33:45
All right, so I'm judging you for a word that would get you into trouble, which is ironic
33:54
and off base because the word I would say is bomb.
33:58
That seems like maybe the worst choice.
34:00
It's probably a bad choice now that I think about it.
34:02
I see I did the opposite of you and did not think about it enough.
34:05
Yeah.
34:06
I really can't go into airports, government buildings.
34:09
I mean, could you imagine me walking to the airport and be like, can I see your boarding
34:14
pass or I'm just like, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, you know, going to her kid's birthday,
34:23
you know, everybody's happy birthday, little Timmy.
34:25
I'm just like, bomb, bomb.
34:28
Let's bring, let's bring the question back to you now.
34:30
OK, Zach, how was that that kid you molested earlier?
34:34
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
34:44
Somehow we are taking a word that is already very bad.
34:47
It's a whole new context.
34:51
I could spin it in a good way.
34:52
You're at a club, poppin music, pumping.
34:54
You're in a crowded building and you yell bomb.
34:58
You're screaming at the top of your lungs.
35:00
Bomb.
35:01
I don't have to scream at the top.
35:02
No, but you do.
35:03
I do.
35:04
I do now.
35:05
But maybe I change it.
35:06
I'm just like, bomb, you know, and is it is it worse for some guy to be whispering?
35:12
I might be a little worse.
35:14
That sounds like somebody who said a bomb and then is now regretting that.
35:25
Or I get pulled over.
35:26
The cop comes up and it's your license registration.
35:28
I turn toward him.
35:29
Just bomb.
35:30
Yeah, you're in trouble.
35:31
Yeah.
35:32
That's a way to escalate.
35:34
Does that really escalate the situation or does that make the cop want to get away from
35:38
you?
35:39
I think initially the cop will kind of step away.
35:42
That gives you time to a power step back.
35:45
Time to speed off down the road.
35:47
That is true.
35:48
You're still in it.
35:49
I've never really wanted to get away from a cop though.
35:54
It did seem like you were beckoning cops.
35:56
If I wanted to get away from.
35:58
He likes a man in uniform.
36:00
If I wanted to get away from a cop like that, what I would do is just say, hey, look over
36:05
there and then I would speed off.
36:07
You know, why he's looking away.
36:08
Do cops fall for that often?
36:10
Not as much as you think.
36:14
Mostly what happens is I say, hey, look over there and they go, have you been drinking
36:17
tonight?
36:18
And I go, bomb.
36:23
And then I see Evan in the courthouse and he's getting two life sentences.
36:26
So it all comes around.
36:28
All right, so guys, I know this is our first episode and a lot of people wouldn't think
36:33
that you have advertisers on your first episode, right?
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But you got to keep the lights on.
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Call Rolling Crones for your Crohn's disease-specific transit.
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This episode is brought to you in part by GoDaddy.
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Is your dad one of those tough guys who doesn't know how to take a compliment?
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Log on to GoDaddy.com right now to send him a little bit of moral support.
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Just a card that says, GoDaddy, you're doing alright.
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Hang in there, man.
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I know you're suffering from osteoporosis, but you're still the toughest man I know.
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Visit GoDaddy.com.
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Sit back, get some corn, and let's have movie time.
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This week, the 2023 Academy Award nominations were just announced.
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We thought it'd be fun to run through these titles and have Evan and Zach tell us what
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each of these think that they mean.
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First option is Top Gun Maverick.
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What do you guys think that's about?
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I actually haven't seen this movie.
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I know most of America has, but from just first glance, it does sound like a movie about
46:43
some cowboys, some ranchers.
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That's true.
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They have a rogue horse, and so they have a gun on top of this horse.
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So it's about whoever rides this horse is the best shooter in the West, I'm assuming.
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I like that.
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Top Gun, yeah.
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He's going to be the Top Gun.
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I like that.
47:01
I'd see that movie.
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You would sue it?
47:03
I would.
47:04
What do you have against it, Zach?
47:07
I would see that movie.
47:09
When I first heard this, I thought it was a movie specifically about a 1911 handgun living
47:17
on the top bunk of a bunk bed.
47:19
Oh, kind of like a Pixar situation, like Toy Story.
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Yes.
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It'd be fun.
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It'd be a good movie.
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Nobody lives on the bottom bunk, though.
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It's kind of like a story about sort of depression and...
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He always feels like he's missing something.
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Seems lonely.
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He seems lonely.
47:36
Yeah.
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There's a hole in his heart, but also in his bunk bed.
47:39
Yeah, yeah.
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I think it also has to do something with his dad left at a really young age.
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That's tough.
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It's tough to deal with for a young gun.
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How does this movie end?
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Because suicide would be a weird option for a gun.
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Next we have Everything Everywhere All at Once.
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I would assume it is a heartwarming story about a hoarder that somehow he was not a
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hoarder to begin with.
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He didn't have anything.
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But throughout the narrative, he slowly begins to realize that what matters in life is stuff
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and things.
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So he slowly collects everything into his house, everything all around always.
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Okay.
48:20
I don't know if it's a science mockumentary about air.
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And they're just roasting the crap out of air.
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Just absolutely laying into it.
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It's everywhere.
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It's everywhere.
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Everything.
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What's the name of the movie?
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Everything.
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It's Everything Everywhere All at Once.
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It's everywhere.
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It's everything.
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And I mean, you can't even see it, right?
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So is it really there?
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Is it really there?
48:49
Yeah, exactly.
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That's a good point.
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Exactly.
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I'd watch it.
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What would it change your description or your thoughts on the movie at all if I told you
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that Short Round from Indiana Jones Temple of Doom was in this movie?
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No, he would definitely be a scientist.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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That checks.
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Next we have Triangle of Sadness.
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I assume that this movie is a narrative based on three people in a satanist cult, but they
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didn't realize that to summon a demon you have to draw the star and they just drew a
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triangle and when they realized the demon wasn't being summoned, they just are very
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sad.
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Yeah, because they left all their friends and family for this.
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So they got no one else they can bring.
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There's no going back after you've joined this satanic cult.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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Mine's about a little high schooler, middle schooler, first time in band.
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They asked him, hey, what instrument do you want to play?
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He filled out the survey and they said, what instrument do you want to play?
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This man said, let me play the drums.
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Let me get in there.
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I want to be cool.
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I want to play the drums.
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So he goes to that summer thinking, oh man, I'm going to be in band next year.
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I'm going to get the drums.
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He gets there and they hand him a little flimsy piece of metal shaped like a triangle and
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then another metal stick and they're like, here you go, buddy.
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You got the triangle and he's just absolutely depressed.
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He's absolutely depressed out of his mind.
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It ends in suicide.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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You get the triangle when your expectations were the drums.
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It's definitely ending in suicide.
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Yeah.
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There's no other way that movie could end.
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If band kids are picking on you, you're in trouble.
50:26
If you're the loser of the band kids, a gun's your only friend.
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Next we have the Banshees of Inna Sheeran.
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I didn't understand half of those words.
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That is apparently a place in maybe Ireland.
50:41
Okay.
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It's mystical for sure.
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It's a mystical movie about.
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I may have read it wrong.
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How many wizards do you think is in the movie, the Banshees of Inna Sheeran?
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Ooh, I would say-
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Low balling it here, I'd say 16.
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Knowing nothing about this movie, I'd say you're 100% correct.
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Who else would banish the Banshees if it weren't for the wizards?
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You got to have an army.
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Yeah.
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The wizards are the only one capable of banishing Banshees.
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Where was the location?
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Inna Sheeran.
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Inna Sheeran.
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Is a Sheeran a thing and the Banshees are inna Sheeran?
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Or is inna Sheeran a complete word?
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It's the Banshees are inna Sheeran.
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Inna Sheeran is one word.
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Inna Sheeran's a place.
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Got you.
51:20
Okay, I didn't know if a Sheeran was a thing.
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The Banshees are, I assume, located in Inna Sheeran.
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Got you.
51:24
And the wizards don't want them inna Sheeran.
51:27
That's my thought.
51:28
Well, I would assume that, yeah, you have a bunch of Banshees inna Sheeran.
51:31
It's kind of a racial movie about racial progress.
51:35
Oh, yeah.
51:36
Yeah.
51:37
There's probably a type of race.
51:38
There's a group that doesn't want those darn Banshees.
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They ain't from around here and they summon some wizards.
51:45
And you were saying off air that the Banshees reminded you a lot of the blacks.
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Cause you're racist, right?
52:04
Really gave that one.
52:05
Oh, where was I?
52:09
It's a racial movie.
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And they summoned a bunch of wizards and, you know, slowly as the wizards try to banish
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the Banshees from Inna Sheeran, they slowly realize maybe they don't have so much in common.
52:20
Wait a minute.
52:22
Maybe they realize that they have a lot more in common than they think.
52:28
Yeah.
52:29
Yeah.
52:30
That's what I'm going with.
52:31
All quiet on the western front.
52:34
The first thing I think that this movie would be about, you remember Harvey Weinstein?
52:39
I do.
52:40
I do.
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Yeah.
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I remember him.
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Big New Yorker type guy.
52:44
If there's anything I remember, it's the Alamo, the Titans and Harvey Weinstein.
52:48
Right.
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Well, when he was going through all his allegations against him for sexual misconduct and harassment
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and all the other things he did, a lot of the allegations were coming out of the East
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from New York, Florida, a lot coming from just the Eastern coast.
53:04
A line famously in this movie is when things are starting to settle down, he's like, man,
53:10
I got so many allegations.
53:11
This is Harvey talking?
53:12
Yeah.
53:13
Yeah.
53:14
Okay.
53:15
He said, I got so many allegations against me.
53:16
He's talking to his lawyer and he says, what do I got coming out of Hollywood?
53:20
And the lawyer says, it's all quiet on the western front.
53:24
It really just tells the story of Harvey Weinstein's whole trial and how he's a victim.
53:31
Oh, all quiet on the western front, if I were to guess what this narrative of this movie
53:35
is, I would assume it's just a very upset older woman walking up and down the West coast
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beach shushing people.
53:46
They're being too loud.
53:47
They're yelling.
53:48
They're having fun.
53:49
Not in this lady's beach.
53:50
She walks around and shushes them.
53:51
And you ask, why are you doing this old lady?
53:54
She doesn't have a name.
53:55
And she goes, I want all quiet on the western front.
54:00
That sounds like good movies.
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All right.
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Last one.
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Avatar, the way of water.
54:06
Avatar, the way of water was nominated for best picture.
54:09
So this is the best picture of all these lists.
54:11
Well, all of those are best picture nominees.
54:13
I just can't believe that was nominated for best picture.
54:15
Well, we've all seen the cartoon that this is on.
54:18
Yeah.
54:19
The airbender.
54:20
Yeah.
54:21
Well, this is the waterbender.
54:22
It's the way of the water, how we learned waterbender.
54:24
It was about time they came up with another version of that actually.
54:28
Yeah.
54:29
I mean, obviously it's a good story, but it's just a continuation.
54:32
If I were to guess Avatar, the way of water, I would assume it is a thriller horror movie,
54:39
almost like Saw.
54:41
But Avatar doesn't necessarily use a whole bunch of different traps and contraptions.
54:45
He just uses waterboarding.
54:47
I mean, basically, it's just a movie full of this guy waterboarding different people.
54:54
And people ask him, why didn't you use other methods?
54:58
And he says, my only way is the water.
55:01
All right.
55:04
That was the first episode.
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Thank you for listening.
55:08
Is there anybody left?
55:09
I'm sorry.
55:10
We're the only ones left.
55:12
We were the only ones that started.
55:14
But thank you.
55:15
Expect the detour.
55:16
What?