Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Are Other Married People Having Spontaneous Sex?

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Are Other Married People Having Spontaneous Sex? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about the idea
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  that there are these other married people that are having
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  spontaneous sex all over the house and at all these different
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  times. And whenever the kids drop
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  asleep for one second there, you know Off to the Races and we
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  will talk about whether this is accurate or inaccurate, you may
• 0:27
  be able to tell from my tone that it is.
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  In fact, the latter before that please do subscribe, my most
• 0:34
  recent subscriber Sewed, was your wife may be a far more
• 0:37
  involved grandmother than you expect.
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  So, as you're hitting the 40s and 50s and you're seeing the
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  light, at the end of the tunnel for the children, leaving the
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  house. You may think it's smooth
• 0:45
  sailing after that and very focused on the couple, it is, in
• 0:48
  fact, not for the majority of women and I will discuss that in
• 0:53
  that post rather than that podcast.
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  Okay. So are these other people having
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  spontaneous sex so frequently guys.
• 1:03
  And and this is, you know, Are often in.
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  Well, it's really not. I was going to say, it's more
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  often in people that haven't done these kinds of things.
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  I get upset about it, but there's two types of people.
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  There's people who remember, a very spontaneous sex life, at
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  the beginning before children Etc, and they want to go back to
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  that. And then there's people who
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  never did it and now they are understanding that their sex
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  life has kind of been a disappointment.
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  They're seeing that more more globally with the benefit of
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  hindsight and they want to change things, but they do have
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  children now. And And so, their wife doesn't
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  really want to change things up for various reasons, kids, and
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  hormones and age, and so many things.
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  So, anyway, there's this idea that, like, if the kids are
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  asleep upstairs and maybe you could just like, do it in the
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  kitchen or something. Let me just tell you something,
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  no woman is going to do that. No woman.
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  That's like a good mother is going to risk that for.
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  Like I mean, if your kids sleep like the dead, I mean, I don't
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  really know. But I mean most of the time
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  there's a Possibility that like a child could walk down.
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  And even if that's like a one percent possibility, why would
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  they have to see? You have sex?
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  Like, why does it have to be part of their, like memory bank?
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  If you could just like, go somewhere else to have sex, you
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  know like you just did the wrist really does not exceed outweigh
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  the reward and the in that in that situation.
• 2:24
  I mean if you have a baby in a crib that cannot get out.
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  Yeah. Okay maybe but if you got a baby
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  in a crib and your wife is like wanting to fuck in the kitchen,
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  then I mean you should really call Guinness because you need
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  to be written up for a world. Old record because that is
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  usually not when women want to do their craziest sex as when
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  they have a tiny baby. So so yeah.
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  So then there's the sex all over the house.
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  You can do this when the kids are out of the house, but the
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  reality is, as I discussed in my very first podcast, episode
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  women generally specially if they're highly sensitive but in
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  general, they don't like discomfort, you know, like in
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  the honeymoon stage, you were riding on basically drugs.
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  It was like you were a drug addict in the honeymoon stage
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  and nothing bothered you. Because you were like Yet all
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  this adrenaline and dopamine and oxytocin, you know, and you
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  could barely feel it if somebody punched you in the face,
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  probably, because you were so giddy with new love hormones,
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  basically Drunk on Love and so then yeah, sure have sex on the
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  floor, have sex standing up, have sex in the shower have sex
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  every place. Why not?
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  Because the sex drive is so much higher and like really the pain
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  tolerance is a lot higher because when you have all of
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  those happy feel-good hormones racing around your brain.
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  And then it really increases your pain tolerance, which is
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  also why she may have been into like more spanking and more
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  rough stuff early on because her pain tolerance was literally
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  higher because she was basically again drunk on new Love and
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  infatuation. So now it's like the kitchen
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  floor is going to hurt and the shower is going to be awkward
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  and standing up, doesn't feel good and all of these different
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  things. And women have to feel really
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  relaxed in order to enjoy sex. You can't feel relaxed if you're
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  like, Booze and splayed out like a newly caught fish on the
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  kitchen floor. Like most women aren't really
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  going to be into that. You know they may do it for the
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  sake of the guys especially if it's like an occasion or a
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  vacation or something, they may have this kind of wild sex, but
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  for the majority of women, it's going to be like a present for
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  him and it's not going to be the sex that they particularly
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  really get off on. It may just be like a real
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  quickie that is done for his sake and that's fine.
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  And you can do that kind of, you know, regularly and no
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  semi-regularly as have sex. That's just for one person.
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  Cool. You know, that's called being a
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  good partner, but the idea that the woman is going to,
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  especially as she gets older, once you have children, Etc,
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  even when they're out of the house during the day, let's say
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  that she's going to want to do something that may be physically
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  painful. That's like, not a very good
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  bet, you know, because why, like, we want her to associate
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  sex with feeling good. I'm feeling comfortable and
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  feeling like, Stan, free and and allowing her arousal to Mount
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  Your arousal isn't. There's no real art of arousal
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  when it's just this quickie and the kitchen or whatever.
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  You know. So, there are not really these
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  other married people with children at your same phase of
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  life that are doing this stuff. A lot people in New
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  relationships, do it. No matter their age.
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  I mean, within reason, 80 year olds, probably not doing it.
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  But, you know, like, in a new relationship, again, you of new
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  relationship energy and new relationship, hormones, and, and
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  adrenaline. And so you will, of course, try
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  to do new things. This is the time to do it.
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  Now, although all these married people that are at your same
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  stage with the three kids under 3, and whatever, they're not
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  doing much. I'm not saying they're not
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  having sex at all, because many people with small children.
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  Many happy couples with small children are having sex.
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  I mean, that should not be lost in the shuffle hear you.
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  Like like somebody in my Facebook group as something like
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  and you should join my Facebook group if you like talking about
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  these things. But as to how long it is after
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  kids, after having a baby that sex life goes back to normal and
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  most people were saying you know like within the year or you know
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  six months or maybe like for it to really, really kick back, you
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  know, not like not like it's going to be in the honeymoon
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  stage but for it to get back to like multiple times a week, it
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  would be like when the kids are, you know, off to preschool or Or
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  whatever, definitely by Elementary School, you know.
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  So so yeah I mean you should definitely not think of
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  sexlessness as a necessary part of having kids because that's
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  not accurate that happens for some people but that's not
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  healthy and that's not normative.
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  And that's not what you should be aiming for, but in terms of
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  like, all right. So then you shouldn't be having
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  no sex. So then when should you though
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  be having the crazy sex, that's everywhere?
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  The kitchen table and everywhere else.
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  Well, as I said, already the honeymoon stage, If you're not,
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  if you want to be doing that then and you're not, then it's a
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  red flag for the relationship later.
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  So, if you want to be having wild and spontaneous sex and
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  various locations in the home or wherever, then you need to be
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  sorting for that and selecting for that, in terms of your
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  future wife, or your husband, and the case may be because
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  there's a lot of women who want to be more adventurous than
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  their husbands are too. So, there's a lot of women that
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  want to be lets say, you know, to Do something where they could
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  get caught. Like have sex outside and the
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  guy won't do it and he's like, no gross.
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  Why would I do that? Don't marry that guy.
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  But similarly, don't marry the woman that won't have sex in the
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  kitchen. I mean, during dating, you know,
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  so dating is the time to figure out, like I said it in a video
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  related to this but assume that your sex life is going to
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  decrease by 50% right after marriage and monogamy sets in
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  and certainly children. So if you're having like an
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  awesome sex life, that's a Represent What You Ever Wanted,
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  then maybe I'll go down to fifty percent of everything you ever
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  hoped to wanted, which quite honestly, you got a lot of shit
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  on your plate, as a grownup. You got kids, you got this, you
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  got that. So, you know, that could be
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  okay, you know? But if it only was ever at 50%
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  of what you wanted, it's going to go down to 25%.
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  That's that's not good. You know, that is what leads to
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  people, being super dissatisfied.
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  So yeah. So like, people can go from
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  having sex every day in the honeymoon stage to having sex
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  like, you know, Three times a week after that.
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  All right most people are not going to say this is ruining my
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  life. They're going to be like, all
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  right. Yeah I get it.
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  You know like we were married. Now she's older, we got
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  children. So we have sex you know a few
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  times a week that's great or that's good, you know?
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  I mean wonderful, well whatever, I'm fine.
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  Like that's what most people will say and they are truly fine
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  because it's the same as the guy was doing romantic things
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  everyday, in the honeymoon stage and now he's doing romantic
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  things once a week, once every couple weeks.
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  A woman's like, okay, I'm good brings home flowers.
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  Every other week, said something sweet to me, everything, you
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  know, couple days. All right, all right, I'm okay.
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  This is fine, this is marriage, that's good.
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  I'm going to happy marriage, but if the woman was never doing
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  anything wild and spontaneous and now she looks at you, like
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  you have five heads when you even talked about doing it doggy
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  style, then we have a problem. Just the same as with Romance
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  when the guy was like, barely ever doing anything romantic.
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  And now it's like, basically, like on your birth.
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  They he gets you a card will that woman doesn't want to be in
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  that relationship. She's very dissatisfied, the
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  same as the man is who never ever gets anything he wants in
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  bed because if it was a, it's like the woman didn't even
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  understand during the courtship pays, why you would want to have
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  sex and eggs in an exotic location or why you would want
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  to try a different position, or why you would want to tie her up
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  or whatever. The hell it is that you like if
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  she didn't even get it. And instead, you may do with
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  having happy, You know, sex in a couple of positions, a few times
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  a week that's going to go down very, very low.
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  So if you're a high like in marriage later on, if you're a
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  very high libido person, you should be only considering being
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  serious with people who are having sex with you everyday in
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  the honeymoon phase. I mean, that's like, that's who
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  you want, that's who you are. So that's who you want.
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  So, if you're a woman that wants to be having sex every day in
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  the honeymoon phase, but the guy you're dating is like, oh, no
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  way, I can't do that. Where Do you think that's going
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  to go later on? I'll tell you where it's going
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  to go, you're going to be in my office or in the office of a
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  colleague and you're going to be saying, why doesn't he want me
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  all my friends have husbands who are pursuing them and why don't
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  I ever get to experience that in my life?
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  And if you're a man, you're going to be saying, basically,
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  why am I in this in this very constricted?
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  Constrain sterile sort of relationship where we're only
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  allowed to do a routinized version of one thing once a week
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  Max and This is terrible. And as I'm going to talk about
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  in my episode tomorrow or in two days, however, I schedule these
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  things now, I went to every two days because it's gotten a lot
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  doing it, every all constantly, so that would come out every
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  day. So now it's every other day.
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  But anyway, so I'm going to talk about when people say like
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  everything is good in our marriage except sex.
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  That's like, I've never seen that to be true.
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  Sex is always a microcosm for plenty of other issues but I'll
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  feel more comfortable saying that sex is the only issue
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  because that does it. That means that there's like
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  just one thing so they can compartmentalize it but it's
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  never accurate. It's literally like I've never
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  seen that be accurate because how could it sex is such a
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  defining part of our experience as human beings, you know?
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  And your sexuality is so inextricably linked to every
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  other aspect of your core and your sense of self and who you
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  are in a relationship. There's just no situations where
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  it's like oh yeah, we're like, totally Wasn't totally connected
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  and very romantically in love and on the same page and attuned
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  and our sex life just sucks. You know I'm is the weirdest
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  thing like that is not reality, you know.
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  So people are telling themselves a fairy story so that they can
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  feel better about their relationship.
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  But when there are sex problems such as Miss Attunement
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  misalignment, I'm talking like major, not like you have a woman
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  who's down for everything but like, you know, this is like a
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  normal sort of situation she's down for everything but a Anal
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  sex really hurts. Yeah.
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  Okay. I get it.
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  You know? So your problem is with your sex
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  life your problems. Like there's one thing you want
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  to do that. She doesn't do or like you know,
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  it's the same as if like a woman says my husband is a very
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  romantic but the thing is is that he's not very musical.
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  So I want him to I want us to all have a special song and all
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  these things but he just you know he's not very musically.
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  Doesn't really know what a special song is or really care.
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  So that woman thinks that's kind of like a little cute and deer
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  and cork always like doesn't not good at music so we don't Song
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  is the strangest thing but he loves me so much and all these
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  other ways. So that's like, usually, if the
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  man is mentally healthy, that's how he's going to view
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  something. Like the woman won't do this one
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  thing in bed literally. This one thing they'll be like,
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  okay, you know, I guess in a guess not, you know, guess she's
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  the perfect woman except for anal sex but that's not like
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  saying everything is good except our entire sex life like like it
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  if things don't work like that, you know?
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  And I'll talk about that more in the episode delineate, it in
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  that. Because the entire sex life is
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  like a core that's like wire together.
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  You know, like you're you're together because of a romantic
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  connection and sexuality and romance are close closely
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  linked, right? So so, anyway, the point back to
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  this podcast, episode here is, if you think everybody else is
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  like, doing it on the kitchen table and you're not with
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  married with small kids or married with any kids then
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  you're wrong and you should re adjust your expectations
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  accordingly. Lily.
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  And it can be very helpful to understand that you have been
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  maybe holding your relationship up to the standard that doesn't
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  exist in the Known World. However, if you never got that
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  and you're single, or you should be looking for that.
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  And if you never got that in your married, then it's probably
• 14:22
  representative your desire to do it.
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  On the kitchen table, probably could be satisfied by literally
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  like her, looking at you in the eyes and initiating sex in the
• 14:31
  bedroom, you know? Like it's probably
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  representative of you just wanting A closer more free and
• 14:36
  open connection. So you don't have to involve the
• 14:39
  possibility of your toddler walking in on you having sex.
• 14:42
  You can, in fact, just try to work in therapy or otherwise on
• 14:46
  the idea of having a closer more connected fun, playful
• 14:50
  experience because it's probably missing in your sex, life is
• 14:53
  play. The element of play is likely
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  missing and instead, it's become this routinized, like real kind
• 14:59
  of boring straightforward, same every time routine and you are
• 15:04
  missing. That spontaneous play and that
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  is why you're perseverating on this idea of sex on the kitchen
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  table or whatever else. Alright.
• 15:11
  Hope this was useful and made you think which is always my
• 15:14
  goal. Please do subscribe, please do.
• 15:17
  If you ever need a therapist go to best life Behavioral
• 15:20
  Health.com I also have lots of coaches including Heather for
• 15:23
  intimacy and Cat for relationship so you never have
• 15:26
  to worry. If you can't work with me you
• 15:28
  can work with somebody that I picked and I'll talk to you
• 15:30
  soon. Have a great day.