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Married and My Best Friend is Opposite Sex - Is That Cool? · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, good to be back in the old hot seat here.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: You were saying you wanted to talk about winding out, summer,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: winding down, fall gearing up. Yeah, people are back to school.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: But man, I it's so hard to say the summer
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: is winding down when it's one hundred and five, that
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: sun is in it.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's crazy beaten down.
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: Well, I know it is hot out there, so I
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: love the pool and I still get in that pool
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: every single day. It is just very warm.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: We're getting into late August, and when September rolls around,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: you at least have to start thinking about and you know,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: you've got money night football, even though you've got preseason
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: games the last few last few weeks, but you start
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: thinking about fall football. So yeah, obviously with school starting,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: people are thinking about the fall.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: So what do we have.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: Isn't it interesting how we're in that different just kind
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: of a different season than we've you know, been in
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: for most of our lives, which is you live by
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: the time clock of back to school and it's the seasons,
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: the summertime and all that.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: And so it's interesting you say that because I've always
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I'd never have really gotten into the swing of like
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: semester in college, I wasn't. I mean I did think semesters,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: but like with the seasons even and when school's starting,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: and I just never have that never really clicked. I'm
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: just kind of every.
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: Day my body is set. You are set, I think,
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: just as a mom went back to school everything that
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: comes with that, with getting the kids all their supplies
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: and all those lists and football. You know, you always
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: did all that with the boys. But you know, just
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: it's like everything kind of cranks back up. There's a
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: different rhythm that starts about a different rhythm right about now.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: So it would always.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Take me a minute to just realize, like, wait, why
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: are people talking about graduation? Oh it is may you know.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: I mean it just it never really clicked to me.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I'm just kind of one foot in front of the other.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: Well, and I think too when it it probably was
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: a little bit more with me because I used to
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: teach school because before we had to.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: There you go.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: So I was just on that time clock anyway.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: But so what's for long haul marriage?
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: We have so much in the hopper we have I
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: think too. We've got one more wedding in August two,
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: in September.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: Two in October.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: In October, I'm doing one on a Friday night and
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: then and one the next day on a Saturday. Anyway,
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: so still have.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: We have one more weddings yep, any November weddings.
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: No, no November right now, so six more through the
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: end of the year. But then on top of that,
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: we have where Long Haul Marriage is going to be
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: a part of North Texas Giving Day, which starts early
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: Giving is like August twenty seventh, but it kind of
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: culminates on North Texas Giving Day, which is September.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Seventeen, seventeen.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: So I just think it's a cool way that this
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: foundation started this giving Day to where it kind of
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: highlights a lot of different nonprofitswhere profits and we are included.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: And Colleen, you guys will send your love our way.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: Yes, we love it. We'll be we'll be posting more
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: about that. And then you can always go to Long
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: Haul Marriage and there's a little donate button right there
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: so you can donate anytime. We're so so thankful for
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: you and for all of our monthly donors.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: Really, and then we have a fundraising event, an awareness
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: raising event for Long Haul at.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: Just in Coffee the end of this end of just In.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Coffee and Company.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: What are you resting Coffee Company JCC. So that is
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: September the thirtieth, and we're going to have it's going
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: to be really fun. It's going to be a silent auction.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: I already have like five different people who said count
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: me in for this, A women's haircut at a bougie salon,
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: a a massage, and a facial a photography package, so
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: we already have several things in the hopper. So we're
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: really excited.
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: So we so appreciate you guys that have already done that,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: and we've got a couple more that have reached out
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: to us that want to be a part of that.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: And we just hope you'll be able to come that night.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Even if you're not, you know, a person who donates
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: for the silent auction, just come and try to win
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: something inside.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: So mark your calendar for September thirtieth at six thirty
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: pm Justin Coffee Company.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: And we've got another vendor fair. We're doing it Lucky Spur.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: That's this that's always been really really productive. This coming Sunday,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: come see us at Lucky Spur. It's a cool little
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: wedding venue. Out in Justin and yeah, they all the
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: vendors are there so you can It's good food and
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: drink and you can try out people's desserts and they
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: have ice cream.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Really fun all you know, all.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: The photographers and DJ's and everybody's out there.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: It's fun, good time.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: Then this last Saturday night, I was a part of
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: a really cool ladies' night, like a happy hour at
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: Inspire Yoga in Highland Village and got to represent Long
• 5:43
  Speaker 3: Haul Marriage and Evergreen Women's there and passed out some
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: coupons and got to meet a lot of really cool women.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: There and talk about Evergreen. Evergreen has just taken on
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: a life of its own. It's grown that the community
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: many of Evergreen women has really really grown. How many
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: are part of your now your Facebook grow goodness?
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: I need to probably look, but I would say over
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: four hundred and fifty women are a part of that.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: You've got a retreat coming up in the fall, have you?
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Is that letting the cat out of the bag? Have
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: you released I know you talked about it.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: We may have already released the dates. If not, here
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: we go you're the first to know. November sixth through eighth.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: That's a Friday through a Sunday. We're going to extend
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: it just a little bit longer this year, so you'll
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: show up a little earlier on Friday. So broken bow oklataoma.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: It's intimate, it's going to be beautiful, relaxing. It's going
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: to be so much fun. So save the date for that.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: For our Evergreen Women's Retreat, we would love for you
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: to join us, if you're a lady, if you're a
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: guy in your own but that's coming up in November.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: So man, my head is kind of spinning with all
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: the things in the hopper, but a.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Lot it's good.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Thursday we've got to rehearsal and Saturday wedding, got to
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: go to McKinny. Get to go to McKinny. Right, Yes,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: it's that a rehearsal. It's get me.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: Yes, it's gonna be a really fun fall.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're looking forward to it. So Chad GBT has
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: given us the top things that people are talking about
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: in their marriages these days, and so it's funny when
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: you see those like which ones do we are we
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: dealing with when people reach out to us for help
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: and which ones kind of we don't see a lot
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: or hear a lot of I mean, we do everything
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: on the list. Definitely, we see and we talk to
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: people about. But there was someone here that they could
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: be like their own episode. And there was a few
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: that when we looked at them, we thought, we really
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: want to do this, we want to kind of cover these.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: But you made an interesting point. A lot of these
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: things were it comes down to trust. I mean, do
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: you trust your spouse? And so I wanted to talk
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: about a few of them and just get specific to
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: the questions that Chat gave us that people are all
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: talking about. These are the hot ones across the country
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: or around the world. You know, when Chat is querying
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: if you tell them to put that hat on, you
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: can obviously be specific or these in the US or whatever.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: But these are just in general, some things that are
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: on the minds of some couples and things that they're
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: dealing with struggling with some challenges. But let's talk about trust.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: So in the context of so, sometimes you come into
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: a relationship and we've talked before about the betrayal wound
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: that I encountered in that I received in college, this
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: betrayal wound that then I had not healed. Bringing into marriage,
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: and then so then there's some insecurities and some threats,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: perceived threats, some jealous see or whatever, and that that
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: can turn into too anger, control can turn it all
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: kinds of things when that betrayal wound is left unheeled.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: So if you've been cheated on, if you found out
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: that your partner was doing something behind your back, and
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: it was very hurtful, even if you had ended the relationship,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: like that was the case with me, but you found
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: out some things after the fact that you didn't know
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: and you felt, you know, humiliated and embarrassed you were
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: the last to know kind of thing. Well, then you know,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: it's what kind of lies do you believe because of
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: that wound?
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: And have you healed those lies? And then do you
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: project that pain onto your spouse in the future. So
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: some of us have been cheated on and we bring
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: that baggage into our current relationship. And then sometimes you
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: are betrayed by your spouse or by your current partners,
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and so then when that's part of your relationship, then
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: how do you rebuild trust? And that's that's a tricky
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: thing to do. But we we all, I think most
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: of us have been hurt by someone in some way
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: or another. And you could say, even if you haven't
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: been cheated on with a physical affairs, sometimes it's an
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: emotional affair, or sometimes it's just you know, we hear
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: people say my spouse committed financial adultery, you know, or
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: they were doing something that I didn't know they were
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: doing and when I found out about it, it just
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: hurt me. And many times you've talked about those things
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: and they you know, your spouse has promised never to
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: do that again, and then all of a sudden, here
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: they are doing it again. So there's there's trust once
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: it's been broken. Then what are some things that you
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: need to put in place? Obviously some curbs and some boundaries,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: water appropriate things to put in place with members of
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: the opposite sex as far as you know, friendships or
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: relationships with them, and also just with like devices. You know,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: we noticed on chat people talking about is it okay
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: and appropriate to check your partners phone or should you
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: have a GPS tracker on their car? And we just said, man,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: a lot of that just shows I mean, you and
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: I aren't thinking about that stuff at all, the tracker
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: or checking phones. But that's because we have a high
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: level of trust in each other and in our relationship.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I mean the history. Sometimes when you've gone thirty seven years,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: you've got a lot of just a healthy track record,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: and so that helps you have the trust. Like I
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: don't feel the need to track your whereabouts or you're
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: now safety that's another thing, you know, I mean want
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: to know where they are in case they go missing
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: or whatever. So I just want to read I think
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: this This first one was are we roommates or lovers?
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: You know, signs that your marriage has drifted. That's going
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: to be another episode. But going to this trust thing
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: is checking your spouse's phone ever? Okay, So first I'm
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: going to throw that out to you. What do you
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: think about is checking your spouse's phone ever?
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: I think yes, I think that's private. My first thought
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: is is there something that you're wanting to hide? Now?
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: I know that would probably you know, bug you or
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: I if all of a sudden we were like, hey,
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: I want to see your phone. It makes you immediately
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: feel defensive, even if you don't have something to hide,
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: You're like, you feel accused and like what you don't
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: trust me? You know? And so but I think when
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: we've heard like spouses have passwords and they don't know
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: each other's passwords, and that's like a no, no, I'm
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: thinking that is that's that's kind of tricky ground right there,
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: because it I feel like at any point you could
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: pick up my phone and look at any DMS, any emails,
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: any texts, and I would feel great about it, you know, So,
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: I mean you know my past.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if you feel like you have to hide a conversation,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: it's something that obviously your spouse doesn't know about and
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: you wouldn't want them to know about it. And there's
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: some I mean you hear about people storing somebody's name
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: or another name, and you know, if you're trying to
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: hide something and be deceptive, you know, ask yourself, why
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: why am I not including my spouse in this? I
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: think for me, Yeah, you could say you want to
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: get to a point where you don't feel the need
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: to check your partner's phone. But when people say, well, no,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: that's private, you should never check your partner's phone. I
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: just think there should be no. Yes, there's privacy. You know,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: with the spouse, you're your individual person, but when the
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: two become one and you're married, there should be no secrets.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: There should be no hidden passwords. It's like, why wouldn't
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: you allow your partner to check your phone? And I
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: think for me it goes to if there has been
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: a betrayal, a previous betrayal, I mean in the current relationship,
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: then that may be one of the things while you're
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: trying to heal that you need to feel safe, like
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: can can is there? Hey, I'm just feeling like I'm
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: having an insecure moment. I feel like you're looking at
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: your phone a lot, or maybe you put it down
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: when I enter the room.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: Is that okay? If I look?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: That just could be something that you put in place
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: that you both agree on that helps the person who
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: has been betrayed feel safe. So yeah, in that case,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: I do.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I think it's okay to check your partners too. Yeah, okay,
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: So moving right along. Can you have a best friend
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: of the opposite sex when you're married?
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: That one's tricky, That one is tricky.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: You've been asked this several times and it's come up. Yeah,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: go ahead.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: Uh, I don't love the idea. If you were to
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: have a what does it say? Can you have a
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: friend or a best friend, a.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: Best friend of the opposite sex, like one of your
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: best friends.
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: Honestly, you and I have not had to you really
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: work through that. I guess it would, you know for me,
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: depend like if there was somebody that you grew up
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: with that you were best friends from, that's what we
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: you know, like grades school on putonic, we're just like
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: we've known each other forever, and they just like, yeah,
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: there's nothing, there's no chemistry, no sexual attraction.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but if there are members of the opposite sex,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: unless you're just both like totally like repulse or turned
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: off by the other person, it's it can be a
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: bad idea, right, And I think it.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: Really depends on what does your spouse think about it. Yeah,
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: is your spouse okay with it? If they feel like
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: it's maybe they're getting edged out you're spending more time
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: with that best friend, or you come home you know
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: you've gone to dinner with them or coffee, or you
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: come home super happy from that and you're like, oh, well,
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: you're grumpy with me, or you know they're you sure
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: have a lot to talk about with that person, Like
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: if there's any kind of mistrust, I mean, you really
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: have to pay attention to that, and maybe it's you
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: both are you know included in that text.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: And I know this can rub some people the wrong way,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: and you could disagree and I could actually listen to
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: your disagreement and respect that. But for me, there's no
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: way that if you're because I think some people are
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: thinking in terms of is that are you inviting firing
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: your lap? Is that just a bomb waiting to explode,
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: because it's going to lead to an affair, whether it's
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: physical or at least an emotional affair, And like you
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: could start to like, how do you define that? And
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: what is an emotional affair means? It's funny, if it's
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: a best friend, there's no way, let's say, you can
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: look into a crystal ball, and there's no way that
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: you're ever going to have some kind of sexual deal
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: with that person. It's never going to become physical. But
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: at the very least, if you're a best friend, by definition,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: you are thinking about that person, You're spending time with
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: that person. Spending time builds familiarity and builds intimacy. And
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: if it's a member of the opposite sex, that's just
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: time that you're not thinking about or spending with your
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: own spouse. And so Yeah, you could be rock solid
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: and your spouse's relationship and your marriage and feels so secure,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: but at the very least you're taking some time away
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: from that. And I think in today's culture, there's so
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: many things that are fighting for our attention. They're they're
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: I mean with Netflix, streaming and the you know, social media.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: There's so many distractions. I feel like we need as
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: much time as we can to pour into each other.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: I mean, good night, It's so hard to do that
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: in the first place. So but yeah, it's not about
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: dogging you if you've been friends with somebody forever, but
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you know we have I mean, if it's just like
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: with an X, when people are friendly with their ex right,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: it's like, wait, the person in the current relationship can
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: feel threatened by that. And it's like and if you
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: start to feel threatened by that, you need to voice
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: up and say, hey, wait, why are you wanting to
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: spend that time with that person? Or like you said,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: why are you get in such a good mood when
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: you're going to see them? Yeah, like, hey, I haven't
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: seen you shower in a week. Why are you getting
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: augussied up to go see them? But yeah, that could
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: be tricky, if you're yeah, yeah, yeah, anything else on
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: that one.
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: No, maybe this is just the culmination of all of them,
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: but you just said it when you said you need
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: to voice up about it. I would say, if any
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: of these things, if you feel like me as a wife,
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: if I started to feel insecure, or I just had
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: this weird kind of thing in my spirit, like I
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: don't feel good about that, you know, or that's you know,
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: it's taking up a lot of space in my brain
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: or my heart, or I find myself thinking about it
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: a lot. I would want to, as your wife, be
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: able to come to you and just say hey, not
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: accusatory and you know you out, but being able to
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: say be vulnerable and go, hey, I've been feeling a
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: little bit of this, and maybe it's me. Maybe I
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: don't you know, maybe I'm making something big out of it,
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: but it's really kind of starting to bother me, and
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: I don't want it to start some I don't want
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: to build some kind of story in my head that's
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: not true, or let some wall begin to build between us.
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: So I just want us to have a conversation about it.
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: So as when you can be so vulnerable and so
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: honest it's that's hard because I'm having to admit like
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: I've got some insecurities or I'm you know, I don't
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: feel like I'm able to trust you right now, or
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: you know, I feel not great about myself? Am I
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: too much? Or am I not enough? And could you
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: want someone else? I would just think if you can
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: create a safe environment in your home and in your
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: marriage where you can enter into that conversation, because many
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: times people just don't talk about it, and all of
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: a sudden things just start getting weird because you weren't
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: honest about it, and so you know it's going to
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: come out sideways.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: And it's a matter of priority, you know, the number one.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: You know, we talk about people have heard us talk
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: about Jimmy Evans and the the foundational laws priority, pursued, purity,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: and partnership and the number one, you know, and if
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: you meet those foundational laws, you have like one hundred
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: percent success raid or chance of success in your marriage.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: So you want to feel prioritized. And so even I
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: mean we talk about this, it's you know, being a
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: golf mistress or the hunting widow or whatever. So if
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: you're prioritizing something over your spouse, they should feel a
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: little jealous about that. It's like, hey, I want to
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: be I want to get your quote first fruits, I
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: want to get your top. I want to have your attention,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: your priority, your time. And if you're not getting that
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: because of anything, you should voice up. And you could
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: start feeling like man, especially if there's a distance in
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: your and you don't feel close or whatever you quote,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: drifted apart. But if it's now a female for me
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: or a male for you, there's no way you're not
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: going to be threatened by that. Yeah, so it's even again,
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: so it's a matter of priority. But even when that like, man,
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: I feel like you're prioritizing me. But now you're giving
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: some of your time and attention to someone else, And
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: if they happen to be the opposite gender of your spouse,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: then that's gonna it's just never going to go well,
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I don't think again. If you're out there and you
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: have this best friend, it's boutonic and your spouse knows them,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: and maybe when you spend time around that best friend,
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: your spouse is there and they're included and they see
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: every conversation, and you're going out together and not just alone.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: That just feels weird if you're keeping anything private from
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: your spouse. So yeah, the next one is emotional affairs.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: When does a friendship cross the line? Okay, so I
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: said that before that maybe we could define that. So, yeah,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: when does a friendship become an emotional affair?
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: What would you say on that one?
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: I would say when you when you say this a lot,
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: but time spent uh builds you know, builds intimacy into Yeah,
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: and so I think when you're spending so much time
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: with someone else, you're opening up and you're talking about
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: personal stuff, personal feelings, uh, maybe even divulging like yeah,
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: we've been struggling in our marriage. I mean that would
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: be you're you're really starting to I think, open yourself
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: up to you know. And again you may be out
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: there and you may argue like, no, I have a
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: friend that really you know, cares about my whatever, whatever, whatever.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: So there's always you know, I think maybe conclusions to this,
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: but you'd have to maybe prove me wrong. I just
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: think if you spent so much time with someone other
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: than your spouse of the opposite sex, you can just
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: really start to build some intimacy there where you're not
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: giving that to your spouse. Yeah, So anytime you find
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: yourself like, oh, I don't want my spouse to know
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: about this, like this is a little something I need
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: to hide, to tuck away, I think you need to
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: start thinking like, okay, where's this going. Why?
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Well, when you say that we use the term emotional affair,
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: you would it would be ridiculous to say or to
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: think many people you're having an emotional affair, like with
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: one of your parents, but we we are you having
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: emotional needs met by someone else in like instead of
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: your spouse. It's a replacements. And so if we hear
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: people that they get upsets like man, she's always going
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: to her dad for stuff that I wish you would
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: come to me, or she's talking to her sister or
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: her mom instead of coming to me, and that becomes
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: a replacement. She doesn't need me emotionally. So in some
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: ways you could feel like that person's having an emotional affair.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: But when it's interesting too, when you look at some
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: of the top people obviously that spouses will have an
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: affair with. It's you know, co workers, or your partner's
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: best your best friend, you know, my husband's best friend,
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: you here, or wife's best friend. Why because opportunity. And
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: when I say that, like what, you're spending time with them,
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: you're around them. And so for me, and we've talked
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: about this a lot with a lot of couples recently,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: is when people start becoming threatened about a coworker? And
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: so when does that quote friendship? So first, yes, hopefully
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: you're going to become friends with people you work with,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: but then when does that cross over into an emotional affair?
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: My thing is are you talking about business? Are you
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: not talking about things that are personal?
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: And once you cross into that personal space, it's like,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: why did you think to share that personal that that
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: detail about your life with that person? Why are you
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: thinking about them? Why did you feel the need to
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: share that? Why are they sharing that with you? So
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: if it goes from business to personal, I think that's
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: a red flag.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: Go ahead.
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: Well, I was just going to say, I think there
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: are times when you, like when you work with people,
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: that there's a group of people and y'all are talking
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: and you know where you're going to share something personally
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: about you, you know, cause it's not just going to
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: be about business. But when you have this like strong need,
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: like I need to tell them this first, you know,
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: before my spouse. It's not that work you're never going
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: to talk about, you know, anything personal, like you know,
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: I was running, you know, I'm training for this marathon.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: I'm not really, but you know when I pulled my
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: hamstring last night or whatever. It's not like you're not
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: going to talk about anything personal with other people from work.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: But I think it's even hard to like have this
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: conversation because I think even without us saying well, here's
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: the boundary for that, you know, you have I think
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: we all have this when you're that's okay, when you're
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: awake at a at a good, you know, strong level,
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: you're gonna know, like, this doesn't feel right. This is
• 26:40
  Speaker 3: something that I need to Yeah, I can share this
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: with somebody that I work and this is a personal.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: Thing, you know, But especially the minute you feel the
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: inclination to like walk out of a room, if you're
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: talking or texting that person or you, you wouldn't want
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: them to see the volume the quantity of texts that
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: you had with that person. Yeah, yeah, there's there's there's that.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: And let's go back to the time spent builds familiarity.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: What if it's like, man, I'm truly like helping that person.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: I just feel like, uh, you know, I want to
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: be there for them. So my question is, what is
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: that feeling a need in you? I want to I
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: want to rescue, I want to heal, I want to help.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, and it feels good to be to be needed.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: If we just have to ask ourselves, what is it
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: that feels good about that person reaching out to us
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: or reaching out back to that person? And again, are
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: you giving is do you have a divided heart, do
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: you have a divided mind? Are you are you just
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: having to divide how much emotional energy we only have
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: so much? And are you giving that to someone else's
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: uh you know home.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: I think in that case, if you that's where you
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: just have to trust and say, hey, if this doesn't
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: feel right, if this is too much, if my spouse
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: is uncomfortable, or my spouse would be uncomfortable knowing this,
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: then that's where you draw your own line and you trust. Okay,
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: God's got someone else to quote unquote help that person.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: You know, Yes, sometimes you're like, but if I love
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: them more than you do, like some good stuff is happening,
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: Like I'm really helping. Okay, great, but maybe you're not
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: the person that needs to be help. There are other
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: people that can help that person.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Good, yeah, good, very good.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: All right, So how about uh no, we're going to
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: do that another one? Do you really have to tell
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: your spouse everything? Likes? You really have to tell your
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: spouse everything? Are there some things that you just could
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: keep between you and the fence post or take to
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: your grave? What do you think about that? What's your
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: first when you hear that?
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: Man, it's so hard sitting where we are after thirty
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: seven years, because I just feel like I can't help
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: but tell you everything. You know. I don't know. I'm
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: trying to think of an instance, like even people that
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: we've talked to.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess that, like if I'm going to hurt
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: my spouse's feelings, Like, come on, Brian, you don't have
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: to be that honest.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: Just just don't say anything.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: If you can't say something, I like, holding back on
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: something that could be critical or hurt your spars.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: And spouses feeling.
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: I had it. This was years ago when I got
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: my haircut and you said it looked like a water buffalo.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Oh man, that was hurtful. Women, you didn't. Guys, you did.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Yeah, I was. That was stupid.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: You didn't have to say.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: It was just the middle part that well, but you're right,
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I should have never ever said that.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: I've learned. But so yeah, there's good night. I'm gonna
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: get hate.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: So it's not just in that arena, like I think
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: when the chat comes up in this context of trust,
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: do you have to tell you spouse everything? It's like
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: again my question would be, why do you feel the
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: need to hide something? And I know this hole you
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Man, honest,
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: he's the best policy. I just think sharing truth with
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: your spouse, sharing everything just don't. I mean at you
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: want to talk about feeling free is when you can
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: lay your head on the pillow at night and you
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: can look in the mirror and you've got integrity, like
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: there's nothing you fear being found out, or there's nothing
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: that my partner doesn't know or would if they did
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: find out, would hurt them. It's just a good, good feeling.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: So in that respect, just maybe just that's the litmus
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: test if I feel like I shouldn't share this with
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: my spouse, is it just because you don't want to
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: be mean and say something stupid about their hair or
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: how they look and address or whatever. You know, what's
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: interesting I heard Jordan Peterson talking about sharing when his
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: not being a yes man, is like, hey, sweetheart, does
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: this dress make me look bad? Or does does is
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: this flattering? He would like if you if you ask
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: your spouse, you want to know they're going to be honest,
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: and so he would say no, I don't really care
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: for that one. And then that meant that his opinion
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: carried weight. And you may think, well, you know, screw him.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter what he thinks is my you know,
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: my dress. I'll wear what I want, Okay. But they
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: had a relationship where she wanted to know, like how
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: does this because she honestly wanted to look nice for him.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: And I think there's a vice it.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like you just said it or that's not my favorite?
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, trying to do it?
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: Have to ask you before, and you're like, h I think.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: His whole point was one better.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: His opinion carried a lot of weight because she knew
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: he was going to be off honest, and so then
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: when he said it looks good, she knew.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: It really Okay, yeah, he's gone again.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: I can hear so many people say, it doesn't matter
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: what the man thinks, you know, I'll wear whatever I want,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: which is great, knock yourself out. They actually cared about
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: each other's opinions.
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: I do care what you think, you know?
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Okay, so there's that.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: How about let's see one more here? Uh is flirting cheating?
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about the gray areas? Okay, is flirting cheating?
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Why are you flirting with someone? That's what I want
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: to know. That's just ridiculous.
• 32:27
  Speaker 3: And I would say, how are they defining flirting right?
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: If you're truly flirting, what you're saying is I want
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: some attention and I'm wanting it from you, Like, what's
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: your need? You just check your need there? But that's me.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: Go ahead, what what will you hold? Look at the
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: hommy right behind you. Hummingbird just came and never won
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: in this I he came and peaked.
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: So yeah, I think this is another one where it's
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: hard to really like say, here's the list of rules
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: of what flirting is and flirting isn't.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: And I think, and again, I can.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: Hear our culture a lot of people going, hey, there's
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: nothing wrong with a little flirting here and there, and
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: it's natural and it's normal and it won't harm anybody.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: It's just flirting.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: I'm never going to act on it quote unquote, Well,
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: and I thing is getting underneath. Why are you needing attention? Yeah,
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: from someone other than your spouse?
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: I think too, this goes back to thirty seven years ago.
• 33:24
  Speaker 3: We're you know, almost forty years ago when we first met.
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: And let's go back to that wound that you talked about,
• 33:31
  Speaker 3: the betrayal wound that you had that I don't even
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: think you've realized was still I think so many people
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: have some like quote unquote triggers. That's maybe a you know,
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: overused word these days, but people have certain things that
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: have happened, some kind of wound that you carry from
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: your past that you have brought into whatever next relationship is.
• 33:53
  Speaker 3: So I think for for me, like when we first
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: were married, we didn't neither one of us realized what
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: that betray in college had done to you. I mean
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: it did a number on you. And so here I am.
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm like a really kind person. I
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: try to be you know, nice and friendly, and so
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: here we are together and not knowing that that's what
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: your wound was. We go to a restaurant and I'm
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: just very nice to the waiter or wait, you know
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: whatever the server is.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: Basically, if you looked like Brad Pitt.
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: Well, nobody ever looked like Brad Pitt. But I feel
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: like that was that was a really hard time in
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: our relationship when we didn't really know yet what that
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: wound was.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: And so me perceiving again that was a product of
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: the wound, and I.
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: Guess perceiving me being kind.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: You're saying I wasn't flirting. No, yeah, so and you're
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: not an overly I would say you're very friendly, but
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: it's not like you're flirting.
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but I will say back in the day, when
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: there was that trigger or that wound, that may have
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: been seen as flirting, being flirtacious. So that's not what
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about here. Like, if you're a friendly, kind person,
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: be that person.
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: We aren't talking about when you're needing healing and you're
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: discalibrated whatever that word is with the wrong you know
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: where that's on me.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: That's not wasn't on you.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about basically people saying, well is it wrong?
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: They know they're flirting. Yes, it is flirting. Just like
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: is that wrong to flirt when you know nothing's going
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: to come of it or when you think it's not
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: your intention. Yes, I would especially say be careful. If
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: you're a woman and you're flirting you think nothing's going
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: to come of it, You're giving a guy the totally
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: the wrong intention. And I'm not saying women are immune
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: to that too. If you're showing them attention, it feels good.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: If you're a.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: Human being and you're not going to admit that someone else,
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: anybody showing you attention doesn't feel good, you're lying to yourself.
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So I mean, be truthful, be honest about that,
• 36:00
  Speaker 3: and always let that be the line for you that says, Hey,
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: am I feeling a disconnection with my spouse? Am I
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: angry with them? Or am I hurt by them? Am?
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: I do I feel divided from them? And so I'm
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: giving my attention to somewhere else or I'm seeking attention
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: from somebody else. So I think it's just it's really
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: really healthy to be super aware of where you are
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: in your relationship. And if you feel there's this disconnect
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: and we're just you know, we're at odds or we
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: have this pick really really be careful.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the last one we have time for today. And
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: there's a there's a bunch on here that well we
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: could do just on that, you know, one episode on
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: the on the thing. But this one is should married
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: couples share their location? Talked about that before in today's world.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's from a safety standpoint, you know, might find
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: my iPhone or the things are all turned on in
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: our account on my Mac where if you ever go missing,
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: I can find where you are. But this whole Hey,
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: you said you were going you were at work and
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: I saw you. You were over here at this you know,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: seven eleven, twenty miles away, and then you drove over
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: to this apartment compleat or whatever. People that are always
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: checking their spouse's location again, that just shows there's there's
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: been some breach of trust obviously, and there's there's something
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: that you're insecure about, something you're perceiving as a threat
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: you're I mean, that's it's heartbreaking when that's that's excruciatingly
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: painful and tormenting to be always wondering, yeah, is your
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: spouse lying to you about where they are?
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah? And so that just that's a symptom of bigger problems.
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I count it. I think we both do
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: as such an honor to be able to walk alongside
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: a couple that is working through these issues. So whether
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: it's just a perception or whether it's the truth, like, hey,
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: there's some stuff here that we need to talk about
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: that that's not okay, you know, and and let's help
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: shore this up and get you But the conversation is
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: so important to just begin to kind of get a
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: baseline like where are we, what's going on here, and
• 38:17
  Speaker 3: start to rebuild, you know, if you're both in like, hey,
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: we need to there has been a breach of trust here,
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: or I'm just you know, I'm working with crazy brain
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: and I'm making these things up in my head. I mean,
• 38:32
  Speaker 3: having an open, honest conversation with other people is so
• 38:36
  Speaker 3: so helpful, and so I think that's I mean, it's
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: something that you and I do a lot.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: And I would say thank you yes to that. To
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: the person who's living with someone with an unhealed betrayal wound,
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: I would say, try to be so like compassionate towards
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: that and forgiving. Sometimes it will feel like that person's
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: coming at you with an accusation, and that's on us
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: to not accuse someone. But when you can say I'm
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: struggling with some insecurity right now because of that, try
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: not to be defensive. When you get defensive, like are
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: you crazy?
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: What?
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: And I get it if you feel like you are
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: being attacked or being accused, that's hard. But to see
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: the person with compassion. Man, they're broken, they're hurting, they
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: are literally living in crazy brain right now, and they've
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: been triggered and so but that's helpful for the person
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: who has been betrayed to say, man, I'm dealing with
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: some insecurity and don't veil it with anger that you
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: could have been dead. I didn't know where you were.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: You can say I know, I'm struggling. I didn't know
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: if you were out doing something that you shouldn't have
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: been doing. Because of my past traumatic experience, you know,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: it's it's so again, it's so tormenting for the person
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: who's going through that. So the more honest you can
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: be about that, yeah, I think some of that loses
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: its power, you know, But try not to be defensive.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: If you are the one on the other end of that,
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: just try to see that person is man, I'm gonna
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go overboard to try to suage their assuage
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: their insecurities. Yeah, and I just while healing, it does occur.
• 40:13
  Speaker 3: Offer there's so much hope. There's so much hope to
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: rebuild trust and to not be if you're on the
• 40:21
  Speaker 3: other end to be you know that you're just controlling.
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: You feel like you've got to clamp down on everything,
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: you know, location and phone, and like, you know, if
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: I could crawl inside your brain and know your every thought,
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: you know, I mean, you're just you're going driving yourself
• 40:36
  Speaker 3: crazy trying to control. There's so much hope in and
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: again and bringing healing.
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: And the freedom I can say speak for me, the
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: healing that came and the freedom, not just for you.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: You know, he's not being you know, scrutinized or accused
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: or me checking or controlling or whatever, just the the
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: freedom of for from my standpoint, just never thinking about
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: checking a phone or checking your location, or worried about
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: who you're talking to or listening to or Yeah, it's
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: just that's exhausting. That is exhausting. And some people think
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: they're just going to deal with that the rest of
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: their life and that's not the truth.
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: We we definitely love watching people find freedom and healing
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: from that one.
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah good stuff.
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah that's good. Okay, Well, there you have it.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: I'd love to hear from you guys if you have
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: and again, as always, man you can push back or
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: challenge or any kind of clarifying questions that you'd liked
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: or hear, you know, further on that any particular topic.
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: It's only so much we can do in you know,
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: thirty thirty five minutes or whatever wallilly happen.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: And I would just say too for any anyone who's
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: starting nice I seek you're a student, if you're a teacher,
• 41:49
  Speaker 3: I mean, just good luck as you're learning those abe
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: see
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: Has als