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The reason you don't take the action you need to · #BeMoreLobster

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to episode two of the Be More Lobster podcast, and I thought, why not start strong and talk about why no result can feel safer than creating a result?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share with you a client story, but I'm going to ask you a question first.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: So have you have you ever had one of those mornings where you know exactly what needs to happen in your business?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know the emails you need to send, you need to know if you need to follow up with clients or whether you're coaching clients, you've got social media to post, you might have a decision to make, a podcast record, a blog to write, like whatever it is, you know what needs to happen.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But you suddenly feel really tired, like unbelievably tired.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: There may be a sense of heaviness, feeling a little bit flat, maybe struggling to feel motivated or have the discipline or the focus to do it.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then your brain starts to offer you some really cool and very convincing reasons.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh my God, I'm so tired.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't sleep brilliantly.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's my hormones.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not in the right headspace, I'm not in the flow, I'm not in the alignment.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't be right to put social media posts up when I feel like this, or it wouldn't be right to send this email.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to like take some time out and just rest a little bit.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, yes, you of course genuinely need rest.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've literally just done a live about that in my coaching group.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But the rest, the rejuvenation, the joy, the replenishment that should be in your schedule anyway, rather than being a reaction.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes what's actually happening is your brain is doing something incredibly clever.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share with you a coaching that I did in my group call on Monday night, and so you can see it happening in real time.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So a coach is a brilliant woman, and what she saw was really powerful.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So she came to the call and she was like, she wanted some help on increasing capacity to do the things even when she's tired.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when I talk about increasing capacity, I'll do I'll do some further uh podcasts on this.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's about how can we literally train ourselves to do things differently?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: How can we increase our capacity to feel hard emotions?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: How can we increase our capacity to work on two or three goals at the same time?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: How can we increase our capacity to stay really connected and inspired in our business even when things don't seem to be working?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: How can we increase our capacity to be patient with our children and to put boundaries in place with our partners or with our family so that we can still work in our business, right?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it's all about increasing capacity.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So she wanted to know how she could put increase her capacity to do the work even when she was tired.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, what if that wasn't the actual issue?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I said to her, tell me what's happening that's making you feel so tired.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So she said, Well, nothing really.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: She said, it's just that, you know, like I think of all the like I think about all the things that I've got to do and I want to take action.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: She said, but I'm coaching a lot and I just get so tired.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I said, and then what happens?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, well, like I'll have a nap.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, and what else is happening?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: She said, and I moan a lot, like I find myself like moaning about things that I'm doing, moaning about things that aren't going right.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Great, that's really interesting.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So what we when we had a look at it, I said, okay, so let's just imagine that that was giving you a trade, like that was giving you a pay, like a payoff.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for what purpose?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: What what benefit are you gaining from running this model where you tell yourself that you're tired, that you're tired, you moan a lot, you feel resistant, you feel frustrated, and you don't do the thing that you want to be doing.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what the trade-off is or what the payback is.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Well, there isn't one.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, there must be one.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because you wouldn't keep doing it if there wasn't some kind of trade-off.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, at this point, it's going to be pretty unconscious until it's not.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And what we realised was that it's like it's nothing dramatic, right?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath it, she could see that there was a strategy.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because if she stayed tired, if she had a nap, if she kept moaning, if she stayed in this thing of like, I can't do it today, I'll do it tomorrow, then she stayed in control.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: She stayed in emotional control because she didn't take the big scary action, she wasn't putting herself out there and getting visibility, uh, getting visible.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: There was zero possibility of hearing no or feeling rejected or getting disappointed.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: There was no chance of trying and not getting the result that she wanted, and that's when she really saw it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because she was actually choosing to not take action, to not get results, and it always meant that the results that she wanted may re remained as a possibility, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: If she started to take action, there was a chance that the possibility would disappear, that she would get disappointed, that it wouldn't happen, right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because not getting a result can feel really uncomfortable.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: But trying fully and not getting the result, that can feel incredibly, incredibly vulnerable.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So can you see how she was controlling her emotional palate and the tiredness and the moaning kept her in action, but it kept her emotionally safe.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You see, the brain will often choose the discomfort it already knows over the uncertainty it cannot control.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So even though she's uncomfortable and she's frustrated, it's a level of certainty around that.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: When she starts to take action, she can be responsible for her action and she can have certainty in her action, but she's not going to have any certainty in the results that are going to happen.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, can you see how in that journey, what she was actually avoiding was a lot of disappointment that wasn't of her making?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Being vulnerable, going live on social media, putting out posts that may get no comments whatsoever.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, maybe people trolling, like because that can happen.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: There is obviously what else is going on is this uncertainty, right?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: We are not wired for uncertainty as human beings.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We want to create certainty.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we do that in completely unresourceful ways, but it serves a higher need, it serves the unconscious need.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where we do this digging.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: We have a look at like what's actually underneath what's presenting.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: What I teach my clients in terms of NLP is that the map is not the territory.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So what's presenting, what you're seeing, what you're experiencing is often actually not what's actually happening.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a representation.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a cover for what's truly happening, it can make more sense than what's truly happening, and that's when we do the digging.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Also, there's a need for control.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I coach lots of people every week, and invariably this need for control comes up over and over and over and over again.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty much 99.9% of the time, it's the need to control the emotional experience.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Everything, everything comes down to the emotional experience.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so what she saw was like she still feels very busy.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's been telling herself she's exhausted from being busy, but actually, she was exhausted from carrying around all these thoughts.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's exhausted from carrying around the lack of results, she was exhausted from carrying around the frustration of keeping doing something that she didn't want to do, but she still felt very busy.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But women in business can stay very busy and still avoid the one thing that actually moves them forward.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you a couple of more examples of how I see this happening.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: When you rewrite the post several times instead of just publishing it and learning as you go, when you research one more thing, when you open one more tab instead of emailing that client about why they skipped their last session or have they done their homework or put you're putting your prices up.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Tweaking the sales page until it looks perfect instead of getting out there and inviting people in, going to networking and telling them about it, getting on social media, telling them about it, thinking that the sales page is where the sales happen.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: The sales page isn't where the sales happen.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Deciding that you're too tired the exact moment that it's time to be visible, that it's time to do something new, that it's time to do something that's a stretch.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then chosen no result can feel safer than possible failure.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You've chosen to get no result because it feels far safer and far more comfortable than the possibility of failure.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, can you see how what I didn't want to do was coach her to increase her capacity to act in the exhaustion?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want her to force her body through the exhaustion.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't, I didn't want to tell her to ignore her body because what I do is also rooted in somatics.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is, in fact, the opposite.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's learning to notice what I am actually feeling right now.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do I genuinely need the rest?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or is my body experiencing this sense of uncertainty and vulnerability?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is my chest tight?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have heavy shoulders?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like as I was watching her tell me this story, I could watch her face was literally dropping.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: She looked tired.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: She looked like she wanted to go and have a sleep.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Her voice changed as she was telling me.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Are you moving?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you want to move away from the laptop?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you suddenly find yourself in the fridge trying to get a snack or booking another, like taking another coffee?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Are you checking in Instagram?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are you opening another?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you opening another tab, putting the washing in?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Anything but doing the thing.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where the awareness matters.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's where the somatic experience comes in.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I could have coached her how to increase her capacity to act in the tiredness, but in this particular instance, what she needed was to see the model that she was running.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I coached her to see the model.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then it was about increasing the capacity to feel the hard emotion and do the thing.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: To be willing to be vulnerable, to be willing to fail, to be to be willing to do the post and no one comments and not make it mean anything about you.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's about creating that sufficiency in self.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then also I wanted to coach her, and I did coach her on how can this feel more exciting?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: How can being in the heart be beneficial for you?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: How is it good for you to experience disappointment?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: How can that be energizing for you?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just consistently flipping the script inside the brain.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's so good.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got a couple of questions for you.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to finish.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: As I always be seeking simplicity, I'd love to give you something you can action, something you can implement.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, apply it to your life.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna just give you a couple of questions here, and you can make a note of them.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll make sure to put them in the show notes.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Journal on them, take one a day and journal on it.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ponder on it as you're walking the dog.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do it your way.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You ready?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's the thing that you've been saying I'll do when I feel more ready?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: What emotion might be sitting underneath your hesitation?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: You might even want to have a look at what emotion are you trying to avoid?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why does that feel so vulnerable?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: What is it, what about this situation is making you feel vulnerable or uncertain?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you're one of those people that tells yourself that you feel tired, you don't have the the you know mental or emotional capacity, is it true or is there any possibility that you're protecting yourself from uncertainty, from that emotion you want to avoid?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you decided to stop running that model today, what would be your next best step?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we tell ourselves we're stuck, right?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we tell ourselves we need more time or more clarity or a better plan.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we already know.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: And what's really here is the discomfort of backing ourselves, that stretch, the uncertainty, the vulnerable edge, like the lobster going off to remove its shell to melt its shell.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe this week the invitation is simple.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Notice where you're being where you've chosen a sorry, where you're choosing a guaranteed no, because it feels safer than a possible yes.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And see what changes when you stay in that moment.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because that might just be your lobster moment.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me on episode number two, and I'll speak to you again in the next episode.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great week.