Latest / Real Talk Real Healing / Ep 19: Hot Takes: Red Flag or Green Flag on Friendship, Relationships & Healing Boundaries

Transcript

Ep 19: Hot Takes: Red Flag or Green Flag on Friendship, Relationships & Healing Boundaries · Real Talk Real Healing

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey y'all, this is Desi.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: And this is Lisa.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to our podcast, Real Talk Real Healing, where we support women through their healing journey.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Through raw stories, authentic dialogue, and uncomfortable but very necessary conversations, we explore the full range of emotions, energetic, spirituality, and physical well-being that come with being human.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: We believe in a world filled with filters and surface-level messages that healing begins with truth and a little bit of magic.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome back to another episode with your hosts, Lisa and Desi.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: We are back with a different type of episode.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to have a couple episodes that we're going to do like hot takes.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And this one is a really fun one, we think, and we hope you enjoy it because we have some statements that we pulled together and scenarios that we are going to rate if it's a red flag, a green flag, or a yellow flag, aka we need some more information and context.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get into it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one we have is your friends take three days to text you back.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would say a green flag or a yellow flag because it kind of depends on the scenario and the relationship.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Agreed.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's healthy not to text back right away, too.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it really does like I think that's a good thing.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good sign.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And also it's important to be respectful of each other's times too.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, like for me, I know that I have some friends that don't text back right away.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then like I feel like I have that space not to text them back right away.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if we have plans or we're like going out or doing something, then we'll text back right away.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think if you're waiting for an answer type situation, you know, then of course they should text you back sooner.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: But we all get so distracted.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're all on like, you know, even though it's like we're on our phones constantly, like sometimes like people just need a minute, you know.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I think, and if if it is, if you do say it was a red flag, I would also suggest then you might need to have a conversation with your friend of like, you know, let's let's talk about our communication.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like, hey, it doesn't feel good to me when you don't answer back.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, I get it, like, or like, you know, give a quick check-in, like, hey, just check in on you.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, don't make it mean something that you're that it's worse, you know, and and don't make it mean something personal.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's really not.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I would say if you feel like it is a red flag, be open to communicate with them how you felt about it.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because then sometimes people don't know.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes, like, someone will say something say something to me, and I'm like, oh, I really didn't realize I did that, you know.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I apologize and like I'll do better.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because until you till someone knows that that something like not offended you, but like felt a different way, then then they can fix it moving forward.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I agree.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: The next one.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: The next one.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Your friend gets weird every time something good happens for you.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Red flag.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, red flag.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: It is weird.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely not wanting to hang out with those types of people.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: We I think we've all probably had them in our lives before, or maybe you still do, but we should be celebrating each other.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I know we do a great job at that, but like let's celebrate.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Life's hard enough.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why wouldn't we want to be happy for our friends?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: And and if honestly, if it's a friend that, you know, again, use the situation I said on the last one, like talk to your friend and be like, hey, you know, I noticed, you know, you, you know, are you okay?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, whatever.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just just be open about it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And if they always get weird or even having that conversation does not go well, then like time to take some space, you know, take a set a little boundary there, you know, and and not share news, or you know, um, just take some space.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: The next one, your partner wants to know where you're all, where you are all the time.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is a little yellow.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna say yellow as well.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I there it depends.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: What is the intention behind it?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And are they like tracking you because they're like wanting to know where you're at all the time because they're insecure?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or like for my husband, it's like I'm out on the river and he wants to keep track of me out there, or like I'm coming home and he's like loves to come meet me at the door, which I appreciate so much.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's yeah.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I did have to get over my own of like, I have no privacy, like I, you know, I can't do anything.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there was some programming for me in past relationships where I felt like a little like offended or like I don't have any privacy, but it's like literally I'm not doing anything, anyways.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why does it matter?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I've had it go both ways where it's definitely a red flag and a green flag.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, it it definitely depends on the situation, depends on the intention behind it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the biggest thing.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: And if you feel uncomfortable sharing your location with your partner, hopefully, you know, it's a husband or a longtime boyfriend or partner, whatever.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think again, it's knowing, you know, or even setting the boundary when you do do something like that of like, hey, I think this would be smarter for us, you know, not on a let's not abuse this, you know, but allowing ourselves to just check in on each other.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: We want to keep you, we want to be safe about it, you know.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Again, like certain, certain jobs require more things.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: You never know.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Someone you could literally leave at the door and be in a car accident, you know, like you never know.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know it could, it could be that thing.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And and I think in this situation, you know, when it's a partner specifically, it sometimes it's like you don't want them to check in on you 24-7.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: But again, if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't matter.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it's like like maybe lose losing a little bit of that autonomy too, like that privacy and that like um independence and stuff.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I think there's a little bit of that.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, me and Jason have been together for 12 years, but I make fun of him lately because he'll be like looking at my location and say something.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you stalker, I got a little stalker, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: So like we kind of joke about it.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: But like my mom's location, I have hers, and she's been in a few accidents, and like thank God I had her location.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it is a little bit of that conundrum of like it is helpful.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I think there's some old programming that we don't want people to know where we're at.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Very true.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the next one is your friend tells you something you don't want to hear.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Need more information, yeah, for sure.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: This one's a kind of a question mark because what does that mean if you don't want to hear it?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Is it they're setting a boundary and you don't want to hear it?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Or is it something else where they're comp like they're sharing like unsolicited unsolicited like advice with you?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's kind of what I'm thinking, I guess.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Either of those those scenarios where it's like they're telling you something like, hey, you know, this, you shouldn't do this because of X, Y, and Z.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, uh, okay, thanks for your input about that.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was just watching uh uh show, Stassi's house in Hulu, and she is from Vanderpump Rules, and she just got uh like her own show and stuff like that.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been watching it, and uh, she will tell everybody else what they're doing, but she is not okay with hearing what the hell she's got going on.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've actually watched some TikToks on it too, because I was like, what is everybody saying about her?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because she really was like, I'm different, I'm trying.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, like, don't don't don't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear, right?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, like when we can't take in constructive feedback, right?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because her friends are like really loving and want like her to like thrive and all that stuff, but like, you know, there's a lot of like ego still under under it, you know, and like when we we when we aren't healed enough to hear hear some of that stuff, it could be really hard.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes we do need to heal through hear those things.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if we have good friends that support us, we're gonna want to have that feedback, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's like somebody that's like hating on you, right?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a little bit of that gray area, yeah.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it is a gray area for sure.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: It depends.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you guys have any examples that you want to let us know, then we'll we can uh we can talk about it again.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Someone says, I'm setting a healthy boundary, but their boundary is actually telling you what to do.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Red flag.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I would agree with that one.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think it does need a little more information, but if they're more I guess I need a little, you know, like I need a little bit of an example.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, these are a lot of gray areas, actually.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because it's like if they're telling you what to do because they're controlling you, then obviously it's a red flag.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if they're telling you like you could no longer talk to me like this, or I don't want to have those conversations or whatever it is, then you do want to know that.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think also with the boundary things, I think a lot of it too, especially if it's someone that you it's a new boundary with you, um, and you haven't come to that agreement yet or that conversation yet.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think it should be more of an open dialogue instead of like, I can't talk to you right now because of X, Y, and Z.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think it needs to be instead of like a, you know, something that you did, like I can't talk to you because, you know, you made me upset.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, well, how can we talk about it and make it better?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, instead of just being like their reasoning being like, I'm setting a boundary and I need some space.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the next one, your therapist or coach disagrees with you.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Green flag.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I would say definitely a green or even yellow flag because again, I think it depends on the situation.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, we're hiring a mentor and we're hiring coaches because they are going to challenge us and they are gonna show us the patterns and the layers that maybe we have been unconscious for.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously, disagreeing isn't like, I think you're wrong, and that's not the way it is, right?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, like the approach matters, but I think overall we're not hiring somebody that is at the same level as that.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: So we want somebody who has a bigger vision and who could see our blocks.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would say it was a green flag overall.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I would lean more towards green flag with the way you describe that too.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I think it's more of knowing knowing that they're not disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreeing with you.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're going to share with you your blind spot, you know, being like, well, okay, let's look at it from this area instead of being like, you know, so and so is right and you're wrong.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, I think that yeah, that that hits it on the head.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your coach tells you that you're just not aligned when something isn't working.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would say uh red flag.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I agree with a red flag.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: There has to be more context to this as well.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: But if they're only saying, well, you're just not aligned, then yeah, there has to be more context around like why it's like, yeah, we're coming to you because we're not in alignment.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that's right.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we're here.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's more of instead of just saying, Well, that's not for you, then it's like you can't just end it there, you know, like let's go deeper.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, why do you why do I think that this isn't aligned for you because X, Y, and Z, or let's go to the root here.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's how we would approach it.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not just because you're aligned and that's it.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So true.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Someone says that's just your trigger.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's a trigger.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about being triggered.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would say a little a little bit of a red flag there because again, you want to have open dialogue when someone says this to you or when someone recognizes this.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: You broke up.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is she gonna come back?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: There you are.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't hear anything.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: You broke up.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I see my internet is unstable.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Lovely.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to go?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: So someone says that's your trigger, which oh gosh, again, yeah, maybe we need a little more context on some of these uh next time because it is true that our triggers is our responsibility and like our own our own view of what happened in the situation or our own unhealed wounds and our you know, our old childhood patterns that are coming up.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for them just to say, well, that's your trigger.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have no responsibility.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if I made you feel that way and like that's your problem.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh super red flag because we don't want people in our lives that are not actually caring.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, that is your trigger.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And also, like, what can we do to work through it?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do we need to have another conversation?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do we need to set boundaries?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do we need to set parameters?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's so much more than like that's just your trigger, get over it.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I think that's the part.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I think a lot of these can be helpful when you have an open dialogue with somebody, when you have an open conversation with somebody.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: It can't just end because of, you know, that well, that's just you're just triggered by me doing that.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can't help you on that.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's what you need to work through, not me.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, it's it's it's placing that blame off of you.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: But again, we all have these pieces that play a part in someone's reaction, someone's, you know, you still can't control how someone's gonna react because again, that is their trigger, right?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: But you can you can be understanding and empathetic to what they're feeling, and I think that's the biggest immense, you know.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I know we've we had something in the household that happened recently with with pop and like he got triggered, and maybe it wasn't the best reaction, you know, but again, it's like we still get to be concerned and be compassionate toward what he's feeling, you know, in order to solve it, in order to move forward because everyone just wants to be seen, heard, and understood all the time.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're not approaching your relationships like that, then it's not gonna end well.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna trigger each other and it and it may not work out as a friend.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: This next one, your friend doesn't like your partner.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, is it one friend or is it all your friends?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it's all your friends, then it's definitely a red flag.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: If it's one friend, then I would say that's more of a yellow.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: We would need more information.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But if your friends don't like your partner, I would definitely be curious.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would be curious too.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: And this actually happened to me in high school where I had to choose between a boy and my friend, my best friend.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I chose my best friend because I was like, You're a stupid boy.
• 14:50
  unknown: Yeah.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then of course, yeah.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then of course, my best friend, we ended up not being friends anyway, like a year or later or something like that.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, it happens, you know, too much drama.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I think I think, you know, when someone makes you choose, it is again, dig deeper because like what is the real truth, you know, like why what are they reflecting in you?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, again, are they getting to know your friend?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and vice versa.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And we can kind of reverse this too.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: If your partner doesn't like your best friend, you know, because this is where I just share this example.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, how do you how do you approach this moving forward?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, how do you decide what to do what to do about the scenario?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's awkward.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I've had this situation happen even, you know, in in new relationships recently, you know?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's not easy to navigate.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's interesting if your partner doesn't like your best friends because it's like, what caliber is your best friend?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is she like taking you out to the clubs and is she single and stuff like that?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think there's another part of this where I've experienced where my partner was controlling.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, in order to isolate me and to take me away from other people, it was like finding all the reasons why they didn't like my best friends, why I didn't like my friends, why I couldn't be friends, and like just really controlling me through that.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: So a little bit of a depending on the situation too.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But like overall, if your partner doesn't like your best friend, it is gonna cause problems and it is a little bit of a red flag.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think it starts off with a red flag because you're like, okay, well, why?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then discussing it and talking about it.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if they don't want to talk about it and they aren't willing to get to know the person or be around the person or whatever, vice versa, whether it's a best friend or a partner, then clearly it's gonna cause problems.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, at the end of the day, we want the green flags, especially around this, is like you like my friends, they get along with you and all that good stuff.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I definitely have had uh relationships where like it was a problem and it obviously didn't work because I'm not with those people anymore.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, exactly.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: So your friends start pulling away after you start changing.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I would say red flag.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: I would say red flag too, but because and again, it's it's a little more context.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about healing here because that's what our podcast is about.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's about it's about up-leveling, it's about evolving and not staying the same, you know.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: You if you're on this healing journey, you're not gonna be the same that you, same person you were a year ago, six months ago, even, you know, especially depending on how deep you are in your journey, of course, and what you're doing.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: And even if you are just in a regular health journey, right?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: For example, like and you're just trying to eat healthy and you're just trying to be better for yourself and your family and whatever, like if you start, and this is something that I know me, my me and my boyfriend keep talking about recently, where it's like we notice the habits and the scenarios that cause us to overindulge, and we don't want to do that anymore.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's hard conversations because you know, it's the family events, it's the friend events, it's the going out, and friends might not like it because we're like, let's do something different, you know, like we want to be healthy.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, unfortunately, sometimes you have to you have to like, you know, pull away just a little bit for a little while, you know, so you can get this identity back on track and decide and then then invite people over in a different different capacity, you know, and they have to meet you where you're at, and you have to meet them where you're at or they're at.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you have anything else to share on that.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that's inevitable for some of this to happen, especially like when you're changing or they're changing, and you know, maybe you're not going out as much, or just your values start changing.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I we talked about, you know, this on two episodes.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think it's definitely like a red flag, and it's okay that people kind of come in and out of our lives.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me, it's always been hard because I'm like, oh, she'd be my friend forever.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm learning as I get older, that's just not true to the laws of the universe and and this 3D reality we're living.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's another thing too.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's we which we do have episodes on friendships and how that changes after you're healing and after you're on your own journey, whatever that looks like.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is definitely a big one that relates to that.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: And just a reminder that like life has seasons and people are in your life for a season or for the whole thing, you know, and we don't always have control over that.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know we've both had some friendships, and you know, in the last couple of years that were very sudden and we're like, okay, that wasn't expected.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it is what it is, you know.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's like, okay, universe is just pulling off the dead wheat for you.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's so true.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Next one is someone constantly says they're quote unquote protecting their peace instead of having the difficult conversations, which is similar to what we've been talking about.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely red flag.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: If I can't have a conversation with you, or you're just always gaslighting or like trying to sweep it under the rug, it goes back to like the your trigger thing.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's a red flag.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have to be able to have hard conversations and they're not always fun.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, that's uh just like a partnership, right?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna just leave your partner when things get really hard.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have the conversations you're gonna try to figure out, you're gonna see if it's still in alignment.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: I agree.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is a red flag because again, if someone's not willing to be open and talk to you about how they're feeling, then clearly they have to do some work on themselves.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they clearly you're their their mirror and you're their trigger, which is uncomfortable.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: And again, if they don't see the value in the friendship, or you know, then then they're not gonna want to have these difficult conversations because they don't care enough.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, that's okay.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Then go be friends with someone else that is stays surface level.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want to be that friend.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I want to go deep and I want to be like, what are you feeling?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: Because I want to help you get some right, yeah.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: This next one is your friends talk shit about every single one of her other friends.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely a red flag because what the hell are you saying about me?
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and they they say they say all this to you is the end of this.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, to you, sorry, yeah.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just to just basically your friends are talking, your friend is talking shit about her other friends.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: To you, yes.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to you, right.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like every time, like gossiping, gossiping every single time that they're with you.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, red flag, unfortunately.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: I know I used to love the gossip and I used to love to know what was going on, and not that I was like, you know, definitely like, let me hear about their downfall.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it wasn't that or like what was going on.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I just was just curious.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just curious what's going on in different people's lives.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's really like where I was coming from.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, when I used to find out about different things with friendships, but now I'm like, no.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't now I'm like, ooh, yeah, that like, what are you saying?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, like if you're talking about this person and about what they're wearing or about what they're doing.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: And again, it's kind of like if you're, you know, are you just like, is it judgment?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Is it triggering?
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: Is it mirroring?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what what's going on?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: That they like the whole comparison and judgment situation, you know, we're on social media all the time that causes us to feel a certain way about ourselves all the time.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: So it's leaking into that person, you know, it's they're constantly looking for the things to tear people down because of the way they feel, you know, misery loves company kind of thing.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's kind of what they resonate with.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like in work, you know, you connect with people and you're just complaining all the time, you know, like misery loves company.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And try not to let that uh like let that affect you because that should bring you down.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: The gossip, you know, I started out in corporate really young and I just remember all of the older women like didn't like me and they found reasons to like not like me, and like I was young and like, you know, I was pretty and I was like, you know, really trying to work my way up and working really hard, and like that people felt so threatened by it and stuff.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and I wasn't really big into like I didn't understand office politics.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, this is the thing.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're all like all these women are like talking about me, they're making stuff up about me.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, what is happening?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I like literally haven't done anything to anybody.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even talk to these women, but they're talking about me.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so no, most of those what I came to learn is most of those people are just so unhappy and like so bored in their own life.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: They needed to find something.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yeah, back then I was young and I was like vulnerable, you know.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm just trying to survive out here in this world.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when you're in high school again, like bringing back the gossip when people just make up rumors because they just like, you know, because they didn't like somebody or they, you know, thought it'd be fun to like make someone feel like shit.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, oh, that's really just a reflection about you.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how unhappy are you to talk about every one of your friends?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like your real real good friend, right?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the next one, your friend is friends with someone you don't like.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I would say it's a green flag.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can all coexist with other people without having everybody like you and stuff, you know, as long as it's not like weird.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think it depends on the situation.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because it depends on how severe, you know, or if if there's a situation that, you know, like if they did something to you, or again, it was like the gossipy thing, like if they just talk shit about you, then like, yeah, probably shouldn't be friends with them because they're saying stuff in their ear.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's like tinting your friendship, you know, if it's a true friendship or not.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, again, it's like, okay, if they're talking shit, if they're a friend that talks shit normally, then what are they talking telling that person because they're like, oh yeah, so and so, you know, whatever.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, how fake can you be when you're around me then?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I think we could coexist with other friends without having to have the conversations and talk and stuff.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say that I think after being in some of the situations I've been in recently with some falling outs with some people, um, true.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: I know that they're saying stuff about me to these people because I know that those people are then treating me different after I see them hanging out together.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is not like a you know, so it's like a friend that I'm no longer friends with, kind of off topic, but not uh, is now saying whatever their experience is to this other person, and now they are taking that and like not being the same anymore.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, we can all coexist, like they can have their experience with me and we can have our experience together, right?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be one or the other, and I think that takes a lot of maturity to do that.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, most people can do that.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think it comes down to, you know, again, the figuring out like what they did to you if they're just like if you just had to go your separate ways, then that's fine.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: And as long as you don't I think too, it's sometimes you need that closure before you can be in the same room, you know, with somebody that like maybe words were misunderstood, you know, in certain situations.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think like or you know, again, if you just don't like somebody because of the way they act, you know, like just give yourself some space and don't go into that experience or try not to get into that space, you know, or talk with whoever you're going with or whatever and be like, listen, I I'm gonna hang and be mutual and you know, friendly, but I'm probably not gonna hang out long, you know, because I'm comfortable.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you just have to set that set that expectation ahead of time, you know, if that is if that is something that you've that you experience, I would say.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is an interesting one.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your friend doesn't celebrate your birthday the way you expect it.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard that happen to me before.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't say necessarily it's a red flag.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody celebrates the same, not everybody gets as excited.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I celebrate all month, right?
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like not everybody's gonna be like into that, and like I can't expect them to be.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um so yeah, I would say that that's like a what is it, not a red flag?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Green flag.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: Green flag.
• 27:26
  unknown: Yeah.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would say I see I think it depends.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think it depends because again, we are older now.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when we were younger, of course, it was like you're going all out, you're going out, you're having fun.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so as you get older and you evolve in life, and you know, people have kids and lives and work and whatever, like I think again, you give that person grace.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if you did feel like offended, you know, or upset with somebody because they didn't come out for your birthday or they, you know, did something, then again, you you want to have those difficult conversations, those uncomfortable conversations.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: So that way it's like it's said, and that way you don't build resentment over the person because of not celebrating your birthday the way that you expected.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, again, I know me, like a lot of my friendships have been evolving, and some of them I'm, you know, kind of getting back into the groove a little bit, but it's still different, you know.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like learning how to coexist and become friends in a in a newer way because you've both evolved, you know, and it's like trying to find that mutual place and and understanding.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's just like being compassionate and understanding of other people.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, the last one we have for this episode is your partner asks for space during an argument.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: Green flag.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Might not like it.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Green flag.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely don't like it, but not everybody can process quickly and want everything resolved right then either.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: I have my air moon, my Aquarius moon, and air moons definitely want to talk it all out.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: And my partner does not have an air moon.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: He has a water moon, and he needs to be internal and have some alone space and process things emotionally before talking about it.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I do not like it.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just want to be like, Excuse me, sir, why are you feeling this way?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_01: Can we talk about it?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_01: I am learning and I have learned that I need to give him a little bit of space.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: So then we can come back together and and talk it out.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: I think uh my partner, he needs more like for bigger things, he definitely needs more time to like process it.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's like, even if we make up or talk about it and he's still really up, sometimes he's still really upset, and I have to like give that to him.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I mean, taking up space, yeah.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely hated it for a long time, just like in general, and anybody like we need to fix it right now because like I wasn't okay with the feelings in my body and like it was like overpowering me.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: So like I just wanted to get to a resolution so I could stop feeling the way that I was feeling.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: But now that we have the tools and we know how to regulate our nervous system and we're not so triggered in our body and everything, I can handle a lot of more space for sure.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think that's the biggest thing.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of this is having uncomfortable conversations.
• 30:22
  unknown: Yeah.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: At the end of the day, it's right, it's all about having these uncomfortable conversations as you're in a healing journey because when you healing journeys are not for the faint-hearted.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: I would for say as we're talking about these things, like these are things that naturally happen, whether you're a teenager or an adult.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like it happens.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then you also see it if you have kids, you see it happen to your kids.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like, how do you explain to them, you know, and share with them what are they doing?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, how can you tell them and prepare them for different friendships that are going to disappoint them, different, you know, partners that are going to disappoint them, you know, like different people that are like all of a sudden not their friend because of something that they did and they're like, I don't even know what I did.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like sometimes that happens, you know, until kids and and people get mature enough to talk about things, you know, and sometimes you don't get that closure, unfortunately, you know.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, definitely.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let us know if you enjoyed today's episode.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Follow us on Instagram and let us know which ones you agreed or didn't didn't agree with with us today.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching on YouTube, please like, share, comment, and let us know what flag was most resonant with you.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we would love to hear and definitely come to our page uh when this post is or when this podcast episode is out because we do always post a little content.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe we'll put a couple of these in a post so you can say red flag, green flag on there, and let us know how you're feeling about it.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: And let us know if you love this episode and we'll do more.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks, guys.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.