Latest / The Kink Consultant / Ep 13 – Dating Life Update: Age Gaps, First Kisses, and Some Reflections

Transcript

Ep 13 – Dating Life Update: Age Gaps, First Kisses, and Some Reflections · The Kink Consultant

0:08
It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
0:11
on all things kink and dating, relationships and top culture.
0:14
So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
0:17
to it. Hello and welcome to this week's
0:24
episode of the podcast. I have Brenda back again.
0:28
We're having our weekly business meeting and we're going to take
0:30
the first few minutes, half hour to talk about what I've been up
0:34
to in the last week. I just need to know how your
0:37
weekend went and were there any special dates?
0:40
Sometimes I feel like there were too many special dates.
0:43
I don't even know where to start because I'm like where did we
0:46
leave off? The last thing that we talked
0:48
about was basically target guy is 6 weeks out, so what's next?
0:52
And I'm still talking him, so that's still going.
0:54
But then I was in LA for a bit visiting family when we were
0:57
talking last week. I didn't go on any dates then.
1:00
But as soon as I landed back in Vegas, I literally went home,
1:04
freshened up and went for a lunch date on the Strip, which
1:08
isn't a normal Vegas thing to do, right?
1:10
You don't go to the Strip if you're from Vegas.
1:12
OK, This guy was from out of town.
1:15
I started talking to him on Hinge and there's like a couple
1:19
of things you need to know. His profile said 47 or 48.
1:22
He's is actually 58, but he wrote that not that it's old,
1:26
it's just that I'm 36. That's 22 years older.
1:29
That's a big age gap for me. I'm not against age gaps, just I
1:33
didn't even have my filters set that high.
1:35
Is it a red flag that he lied about his age?
1:37
Absolutely. However, in his profile he does
1:39
clearly say I'm 58. But he was using it to sort of
1:42
like circumnavigate the filters, which obviously worked.
1:46
I don't recommend it. That's why I'm not sure how I
1:49
feel about this person, but there was something about him.
1:51
We set up a phone call and he explained he's in town a lot for
1:54
work, but he doesn't live here. So this time I'm like, OK, I'm
1:58
going to meet him. We've had the phone call.
2:00
I understand his situation is pretty honest about everything.
2:03
I meet him for lunch, he chooses the place I love, the restaurant
2:06
Ding Tai Fung in the Aria. The reservation wasn't ready.
2:10
He put our name on the list and we had to walk around until we
2:13
got a text. We finally got the text message
2:15
In that walk. I felt like we'd had a full
2:17
first date because we walked for 15 minutes and walked and talked
2:20
so quickly. That's like the one thing about
2:22
when you're walking thanks to each other, you can't just
2:24
really take each other. He seems kind, like he has a
2:27
kind face type of thing, you know?
2:28
And the more we talk, the more interested we become in each
2:31
other. So I like immediately have like
2:34
I'm out vibes like I'm done no. OK, Do you know what it is?
2:37
The age difference is so not for me.
2:40
Like obviously I have it set to 12 years older, 48.
2:44
This was a little much, but I like him.
2:46
And then he compliments me in ways that I like to be
2:48
complimented, he said. I like the way you think.
2:50
You think really fast. I think really slow.
2:53
He's like, I'm very analytical. And I joked with him.
2:55
I was like, I wish I could be analytical because like I am
2:57
constantly just in the moment and going, yeah, I feel really
3:00
awkward about the age thing. Actually.
3:02
I feel so awkward that even talking about it is kind of
3:04
weird. Because I can tell like it's
3:05
like you, that's why I'm saying like the vibe from you is like
3:09
no bueno, you know, I. Know and it's not like that I
3:12
think that what I'm giving off right now is a little bit how I
3:14
felt because as much as I was enjoying it, I couldn't get past
3:18
the age I start to dig a little deeper like he's been really
3:21
vague about his job up until now and that bothers me but I'm also
3:24
thinking we met online dating. This man is once again older of
3:28
course he's cagey he's not like you know my whole life is
3:32
online. I asked him a little bit more
3:33
and he eventually opens up and talks about some high profile
3:37
roles he was in previously and how he got out of the field
3:41
because of XYZ reason that he didn't like it.
3:43
And I am being big because it is the type of thing where you can
3:46
go Google. And I knew I could go home and
3:47
Google it afterwards. But instead I'm trying to be
3:50
more forthcoming with people. I'm trying to say like, I'm
3:52
pretty just a blunt about who I am.
3:54
And I'm going to tell you what I'm thinking about you right
3:55
now. So I said, listen, I lived and
3:58
dated in New York for many years.
4:00
You do not have the ego, the temperament, any of the things
4:04
that people who hold the roles you're saying you had, you don't
4:07
have that. I was like, so I'm very
4:08
skeptical of what you've said. He didn't even try and convince
4:11
me. He said, I'm not even going to
4:12
spend time trying to convince you.
4:14
You do your research, will enjoy lunch, whatever you decide.
4:17
We have this lovely lunch. It finishes.
4:19
I don't even think anything of it.
4:21
I go home and I don't research him right away because I've got
4:24
other stuff to do. It was good, but it wasn't so
4:26
great that I'm like obsessively looking.
4:28
I think I say like, hey, thanks for lunch.
4:30
It was lovely because I always say thank you if someone buys
4:32
lunch. The next morning when I wake up,
4:34
I'm like, OK, pull out the laptop, get on LinkedIn, go look
4:37
for this person. Let's.
4:38
See who this guy? Is I definitely had the wrong
4:41
last name. If you sounded it out, it
4:43
started with AJ and I used ACI, looked up the totally wrong
4:46
name, couldn't find much online. I was like, this guy's a liar.
4:49
He didn't think I thought smart. Like, I went down a whole spiral
4:52
of thinking like, oh, he didn't try and convince me because that
4:55
wasn't him anyway. He just thought we'd have a nice
4:56
lunch. I was like, this was his stick.
4:58
And instead of digging deeper, asking his last name, doing any
5:01
type of research, I didn't want him to know how seriously I was
5:04
taking this. So I was like, I'm just gonna be
5:05
coy. And when I found nothing, did
5:08
you did text him? I text him, I said hi blank.
5:12
I had fun yesterday but I just don't trust everything you said
5:15
about your career. I sense something wasn't true
5:17
and I'm going to go with my gut and end this.
5:19
So I didn't even explain that. I tried to look it up.
5:22
He thinks that I am. You've written him off.
5:24
I've written him off, but also without doing any research,
5:27
which is in line with what I had said yesterday about how I'm
5:30
always in the moment. I'm less analytical.
5:32
That wasn't doing me any justice because in this moment I'd been
5:35
sort of analytical but like half assed it by not asking his last
5:38
name. Absolutely.
5:39
He says, do search on the Internet for me.
5:42
This is my name. He clarifies like his role, the
5:45
name of the company, all of that.
5:46
And then he says this. I feel a bit in shock by your
5:51
action. I think everything I said is
5:53
true. I am a special person.
5:54
So if your gut is telling you not to trust me to end before we
5:57
begin, there is something else going on.
5:59
So like. Those of you at home, I just
6:01
raised my hand like no thank you.
6:04
I felt the same way, right? So then he goes, I know when
6:07
he's texting all these, basically I come back to six or
6:10
seven texts. By the way, I'm in and out of
6:12
client meetings, so I don't know what he's saying.
6:15
I am sad, but I also wonder what I said you think is untrue.
6:19
You can independently verify. And then he goes through lists
6:22
of pretty high profile people. OK, I can verify that we're on
6:26
boards that he was on and stuff like that.
6:28
And I'm just like, that's a little too much.
6:30
But because any of that's Google able, I don't want to have to
6:32
convince you about my career. I feel that is boasting or
6:35
selling myself on my career success when I want my partner
6:37
to appreciate me for other qualities too.
6:39
I've had such a successful career that you can easily
6:41
verify. I have no problem with you
6:43
verifying me, but why would you not want to verify first before
6:46
ending us? I think that's a fair question
6:48
to ask I. See 2 clear paths here.
6:51
There is either the I'm a extreme narcissist because let's
6:55
face it, we all have those people in our lives.
6:57
So we can see little things like, oh, you didn't think I was
7:01
good enough. So I'm going to give view all of
7:04
the stuff. I'm gonna tell you all of the
7:07
reason why you should be liking me, which is what he just did.
7:10
He basically bombed you with all of.
7:12
That the only defense I will give this person is I'm not
7:15
responding to the messages. So he has like 15 minutes
7:19
between where I think he thinks he's just trying to grab me
7:23
back. Which?
7:24
Only makes it worse. Well, I was gonna say to my
7:27
first point was if that's what he's trying to do, then that's
7:31
why, yeah, that's why he, yes, you know, he's potentially
7:35
narcissistic material. Exactly.
7:37
OK, so then he texts a couple of things more just being like, I
7:40
recognize he was like for the relationship type we want,
7:43
meaning DS. He's like, trust is really
7:45
important, and if you don't trust me and you don't want to
7:48
build trust, then he recognizes that this isn't going to work.
7:51
Now I'm going to read out the last text.
7:53
So I've come back to this two hours later, and this is the
7:56
last text he had sent Amanda from our short meeting.
7:59
I think I can see some of you on the psychological level.
8:02
As your potential Dom, you need to really trust me.
8:04
You don't want to go down this road with anyone who might
8:06
betray your trust in the future. So you are careful.
8:09
Also, I see that you are spontaneous.
8:11
You told me you want to be more thoughtful this year.
8:13
Please do your research on me. Be analytical and thorough.
8:17
I am here. OK so now I feel like I didn't
8:19
have all of the information from I know, but I'm.
8:22
I'm giving it to you in real time.
8:23
All of these things that we're processing, right?
8:25
Because I read the first text, I'm like, I'm out.
8:27
I read the second text. I'm like, maybe I'm in.
8:29
I, you know, I'm going back and forth.
8:31
I'm like, OK, these are the right things.
8:33
But then when you're taking on this roller coaster in a few
8:36
short texts that you read in one grouping, like I had to go back
8:40
and look at the timing because I'm like, why do I have 7 texts?
8:43
It feels like it was such an escalation though from like oh
8:47
I'm really sad but here's some information.
8:50
Yeah. And I responded, OK, let me do
8:52
my research. And then I text him later and I
8:54
said, hi, are you available to talk on the phone?
8:56
We find a time to talk. And what's really funny is we
8:59
have to address it. We have to talk about it.
9:00
I'm like, yes, I looked, I saw, you're right.
9:03
I was able to verify all of that with the help of some friends
9:06
who have access to some other stuff, like information where
9:09
they were able to really verify for me.
9:11
And they were like, all of this is very legit.
9:13
So we get on the phone and what's funny, he talks about his
9:16
emotional roller coaster that he went through.
9:18
When I went back and read the text, I can see it.
9:21
He's like, yeah, at first I was really shocked and then I was
9:25
sad and then I was upset at you. But then I calmed down and
9:28
really thought this through about how important it is.
9:30
And then I go back and I read the text and I'm like, Oh yeah,
9:33
I see where he was sad. I see.
9:35
It very clearly. Yeah, so he does think slowly,
9:38
as in like he recognizes in 5 minutes.
9:41
I go through so many emotions that I could not call them out
9:43
to you. You know what I mean?
9:44
Over the course of, I guess, an hour, he goes through so many,
9:47
but they're so deeply rooted and thoughtful for him that he
9:51
recognizes them. Again, I don't want to sell
9:53
myself short, but I'm really in the moment.
9:56
He is less so. So that's how we're both
9:58
approaching it and we agree to chat further.
10:01
Now, you have to remember, he does not live in Vegas.
10:04
I live in Vegas. One of the other things I'm
10:06
realizing as I do my research and I look all this up, this man
10:10
is not only of a different generation, he is of a different
10:14
level of wealth that I am not so familiar with.
10:18
And I'm starting to put this together so.
10:20
Wealthy like. Yeah, like New York Bicoastal
10:23
owns properties in both areas, which I guess is some people are
10:27
like, that's not that much wealth.
10:29
And I'm like, that's more wealth than I think most people have.
10:32
I. Currently have.
10:33
And I don't know if I'll have that at 58.
10:36
And I'm pretty sure he had a lot of wealth by my age too.
10:39
So listen, wealth is a whole other conversation.
10:42
It's not something for every like, do you know what I mean?
10:45
Like to me, like, great, it would, it's a plus, but is it
10:49
the thing that's going to like put you over?
10:51
You know what I'm saying? And then I'm going back to
10:53
thinking about things on our date.
10:55
It is a plus, but I'm also like, Oh my, my gosh.
10:57
What stupid things did you say? Yeah, I literally thought I was
11:00
like, how bad did I sound? Backing up a little bit, we
11:03
figure out On this date that we want to see each other again.
11:06
This is before the whole snafu of the situation.
11:09
We want to see each other again. He's like, what do you want to
11:11
do? And I was like, Central Park's
11:13
my favorite place. Let's go to Central Park.
11:15
Like, and I just think this man probably is looking to sweep me
11:18
off my feet or something and go to these nice restaurants or
11:21
something. He talks about what he enjoys
11:23
doing and he's like, I love to go to Michelin star restaurants
11:26
before they have their star. And I think nothing of this
11:28
really. Cuz I'm like, that's a very New
11:29
York foodie thing to say. OK, I like the park.
11:32
And so I'm like, I'm thinking back to that and I'm just like,
11:35
what I'm realizing is there are a lot of differences.
11:38
It's not just age, it's not just the way we think.
11:41
It's also, I think, I don't know how much that counts.
11:44
I mean, it counts. We all know it does.
11:47
It's a way people match up. It's a way people measure
11:49
against each other and decide the type of relationships they
11:51
want to end up in. It always makes sense.
11:54
It's a little bit weirder when it's there's no way he doesn't
11:56
know where I'm at. There's like an imbalance there
11:59
that I'm not a big fan of either.
12:00
So as a sub who dates as a sub, one of the things that's
12:04
important to me is finding balance in the actual
12:07
relationship in all other places because there's so much power
12:10
exchange. When real power exchange comes
12:12
into it because one person is wealthier or there's an age
12:15
difference that actually tips the balance too much for me.
12:18
And these are all things that I think about.
12:20
See, now that's. Interesting because in my head I
12:22
see it as like you being the sub, him being the Dom
12:25
regardless, like those are your two separate jobs so that just
12:29
may be a part of his job, no? No, that's totally fine.
12:32
It's sort of like, well, isn't this the trope Wealthy older
12:35
man, Right? I just realized that now.
12:37
Like we're talking. You are the hard working girl
12:41
who's trying to make her name for herself, you know, and like
12:44
in swoops Christian Grey or whatever his name is.
12:47
Do you know what I mean? Like.
12:48
Yeah. Literally what's happening right
12:50
now. So like, I know you're nervous
12:51
about the age and all that kind of stuff, but if there was any
12:54
kind of remote spark, like why not just have fun with it and
12:58
see what happens? What's tickling you in the back
13:01
going? I think it's the mix of both,
13:03
right? Because the age thing at the
13:05
start, I don't know my gut telling me something was off.
13:09
And I think it's not that my gut was wrong.
13:12
I think that one of the things that I didn't realize was just
13:15
like he had mentioned career success, but I didn't realize
13:18
how much career success he had had.
13:20
Yeah, and maybe that's why he was so touchy about that is
13:23
because that's something, let's face it, a lot of men when it
13:26
comes to their careers, those are their babies, right?
13:30
And by you saying, well, I don't really know, you know, maybe
13:34
that was your little life to him, you know?
13:37
Yeah, maybe that was. Maybe I really twisted the knife
13:40
with that one. And he's like, ah, what do you
13:42
mean I wasn't successful? Like that's a kick in the balls.
13:45
Whatever it was, I think that we're fine.
13:50
Like I think I am going to go on the second date because it's
13:52
going to be in New York City over the holidays because he's
13:54
going to be there for the holidays.
13:56
I'm going to be there. It's not that I'm trying to date
13:59
a ton while I'm spending time with my family, but I can go for
14:03
a Michelin star dinner or a walk in Central.
14:05
Park twist my rubber arm. So that was Wednesday's date.
14:08
OK, there's more. Thursday's date I'm a little
14:12
hesitant to even talk about this one too because I was seeing a
14:15
sub for a couple of weeks. I'm a switch.
14:18
We were seeing each other. The thing about me and the sub
14:21
were we activated each other and not always in a good way.
14:24
It could be fiery good and bad. We were both super sensitive
14:28
around each other. There were things that he would
14:30
say that would make me feel on edge or anxious because I'm like
14:35
what's he thinking? There were things I would say
14:36
and he would feel the same way and we would go through cycles
14:39
of this. Do you think it's because you
14:41
are the switch and you have the sub capabilities in you so
14:46
sometimes it's hard not to turn those off?
14:48
In the beginning, I didn't have that issue at all, but like the
14:52
more I began to care about him, I think the harder it became to
14:56
handle being in that dominant role.
14:59
Like all of the time, what he expected, what he wanted, it was
15:03
difficult. And I think that he would argue
15:05
that completely and he would say, well, no, it was really
15:08
hard to be. I loved every moment of it.
15:10
Now you get it. It's so true actually, because
15:14
that is, it's so funny you say that.
15:15
That is something that he would say.
15:17
I think he would say something like, no, everything was great,
15:20
you've done nothing wrong. And I'd be like, no, no, no, you
15:22
clearly just stated that I did. So it is.
15:25
Which is it? That's also the dynamic too for
15:27
the subdom, right? I mean for the most part, like
15:31
his job is to make you happy and make sure.
15:33
I see my approach to doming is different.
15:35
I think a lot of people have that.
15:37
But for me, I'm like, I want to help someone grow.
15:39
We brought a lot out in each other that I don't think the
15:42
other like either of us had felt before, but at the same time it
15:46
became quite emotionally taxing. So we've ended things since and
15:50
decided to stay friends because the friendship thing is very
15:53
real. So how do you turn that off?
15:55
Because like, I can't imagine going from one situation to the
16:00
next. Like I.
16:01
Love that you ask that question. How do you turn that off?
16:04
We're taking a 30 day break from each other.
16:06
OK, so a literal. Detox, and it comes at the right
16:09
time because it's the holidays. I'll be out of town.
16:11
He'll be out of town. I'm sad about it too.
16:14
Well, it's. Because you are losing a friend
16:16
regardless. Right.
16:17
Yeah, you're, I'm losing a part of a relationship I have with
16:20
someone while still keeping the friendship part.
16:22
It doesn't stop me from wanting to see him grow, wanting to help
16:26
him like I'm forever going to want to give him dating advice,
16:28
you know? I'm interested to know more
16:30
about that aspect of it because it feels for me like from the
16:34
beginning that relationship was very much just like, OK, I want
16:37
to take care of you. I want to like do all the
16:39
things. Yeah, But I would think of as
16:41
the perfect DS dynamic, right, Because we had a dynamic more
16:45
than a relationship, I guess you could say.
16:48
We were taking care of each other and we were looking out
16:50
for each other in different ways.
16:51
It wasn't more than that, but it was.
16:53
I just felt it. It's hard to I'm going.
16:55
To play devil's advocate and say maybe a lot of that is the past
17:00
traumas of other things and having that very close
17:04
afterwards may have impacted those feelings a little bit
17:08
more. Sometimes like you do need that
17:10
outer perspective on your own relationship because when you're
17:13
in it, no matter who you are, like you can get straight, you
17:16
can come at it as analytically as possible, but once emotions
17:20
and feelings get involved, it's hard to stay the course.
17:23
I ended that one because I just realized this is going to
17:27
continue in circles and if there's even a chance of
17:29
friendship, it has to end now. But I'm also not ready to give
17:32
up the dominant side. Like I am a switch and having a
17:37
submissive partner is nice. That's something I really need
17:40
to think on what I want and that's what all of this process
17:42
is is about. It's sort of like what am I
17:44
looking for? Try all the things.
17:46
So then there was one more date on Friday night date. #3 check.
17:50
Let's do this. Date #3 Third date, someone I
17:53
hadn't even kissed. Never been kissed, guy.
17:56
I'm going on his third date, we're going to play mini golf,
17:58
I'm super competitive and already he's sort of hit a nerve
18:02
with me because he jokes about how we'll like shit talk and
18:04
banter and I'm just thinking if this man banters with me and I'm
18:08
losing, can I keep my cool? OK, I saw a snippet of your
18:12
stories. Sorry, no.
18:13
Maybe just a little bit, but that's it.
18:15
The worst part is he also saw that story.
18:17
He saw the story and then he texted me.
18:19
He said I saw your story, I'm gonna mute.
18:22
So I don't see any stories about tonight cuz that's sort of not
18:25
fair. Yeah.
18:25
So it's a mini golf. It's like nine holes.
18:28
We kissed on the 8th hole. Yeah, it felt right.
18:31
Was. It like Princess kiss.
18:33
No, it was like mid laugh kiss. I laughed and smiled the whole
18:37
time. It was a lot of fun, a really
18:39
nice date. We had so much fun.
18:42
Well, now we can't call him Never been kissed.
18:44
I know but I really like never been kissed because the first
18:47
two dates I wanted to be kissed and I was like what is this?
18:51
So he picked me up for mini golf.
18:53
It was our third date and I didn't want to drive.
18:55
Parking on the strip is annoying for two of us to have to do it.
18:58
It just doesn't make sense and I know I earlier said no one goes
19:02
to strip for lunch or dinner for an activity you go because.
19:05
Only to have a dates a. Lot of activities are only on
19:08
the strip. Like, OK, got it.
19:10
OK. OK, and why is this place called
19:12
Swingers? I just have to tell you about
19:14
when we're lining up ready to go in.
19:16
The woman asked me something about my date.
19:19
She says something and I was like, oh, I've never met this
19:21
man in my life. I just met him tonight,
19:23
pretending that we didn't know each other until now.
19:27
And he took that joke and ran with it because then some nobody
19:30
else came up and they were like, oh, how long have you 2 been
19:33
together? And he said, oh, we just met
19:35
tonight in the parking lot. He like upped the ante on the
19:38
lie because now we're in like, this is the waiter who's going
19:41
to be serving us for the as we play, regardless of how many
19:44
times we met. The guy did say he's like, whoa,
19:47
you 2 seem like you've been together for a really long time.
19:49
You just vibe about you. And I think that's true.
19:52
We flowed really well. OK.
19:53
So I think it's a good sign that we are vibing well.
19:55
But he picked me up for this date and the whole plan was he
19:58
would come back and we'd hang out more because.
20:00
Because we've both been so busy, he's actually busier than I am.
20:03
He has a lot of projects and stuff going on.
20:06
I was like, let's go hang out at my house.
20:09
We hung out. He came back and one thing led
20:12
to another and we did have sex. And this was really my first
20:16
time since the breakup. It's something I think I wanted
20:20
to be more special or I don't know.
20:22
I believe have sex when you feel like it.
20:24
There's zero shame. I'm not one of those people
20:26
who's like, there has to be love.
20:27
There has to be this. I don't put any type of
20:29
conditions on sex except for feeling good about it, right?
20:33
And in the moment, I was doing what my body felt like doing.
20:36
I trusted this person. We took necessary precautions,
20:39
like he came prepared. I was ready.
20:42
But what ended up happening was, I mean, it was great.
20:45
I cannot deny that. His voice, his body, like all of
20:50
it was working for me. I know.
20:51
But it kicked off something in me where I had grieved every
20:56
other part of my relationship with my ex.
20:58
It was really easy to let go of of all that.
21:00
But what I hadn't grieved was the incredible intimacy we both
21:04
had with each other after 7 1/2 years.
21:07
I mean, one of the things that possibly kept us together longer
21:10
was the intimacy worked so well, I began grieving it.
21:14
So after we finished, I went to the bathroom and cried.
21:17
And not like a girly tear or two, like I sobbed in the
21:21
bathroom. So he ended up staying the
21:23
night. And I didn't want him to leave.
21:24
Like, I wanted that reconnection after the aftercare side of
21:27
things. And he held me.
21:28
He said, are you all right? I said yeah, because I was, I
21:31
just was grieving something. And that was not anything to do
21:34
with him. I really didn't want to get into
21:36
it with him. So the next morning he had to
21:38
leave pretty early. But I knew that.
21:40
And he asked if I want to see him again or if I want to do
21:43
that again, you know, something to the effect of that.
21:45
And I am not a bad liar. I just don't like lying.
21:48
So I don't say anything at all because I don't even know the
21:51
answer. The easy answer is yes, of
21:53
course. The harder answer is what would
21:55
seeing him again look like when I'm already knowing or feeling
21:58
in my body that this is not I'm ready to do again?
22:01
I am sensitive right now. I'm fragile and I recognize I
22:04
need to process something. And I say, you know what?
22:07
Last night I don't think I was ready for that and I need to
22:09
think on it. And he said take all the time
22:11
you need. He leaves.
22:12
He sends a follow up text. He said I want you to know I am
22:15
here if you want to talk. That's the thing about never
22:18
been kissed. Never been kissed to already
22:20
fucked was a quick turn around by.
22:22
The way but like. We're sticking with that name.
22:25
He is a very thoughtful texter. This text is no different.
22:29
It really makes me feel safe to take the time I need to think
22:32
through things. And also, if I did want to talk
22:34
to him about anything, there wasn't going to be any judgment.
22:36
So what's stopping you from having that conversation?
22:39
With I need the day to understand what I feel got it.
22:43
I take the day. I text him really late in the
22:46
evening. By the time I send this text,
22:48
that's the other thing. You know these people who are
22:50
always busy waking up super early, going to bed super early,
22:53
making the most of the daylight hours.
22:55
I said finally home because I'd been out with my girlfriends.
22:58
It was Saturday night. I realized it's insanely late to
23:00
be sending this text, but I've thought about it all day.
23:03
The long and short of it is that I'm not ready to have sex and I
23:06
don't know when I'm going to be ready again.
23:07
As much as I enjoyed last night, I just know I'm not ready for
23:11
more than surface level things with anyone and sex is more than
23:13
surface level for me. I don't have a proposal for next
23:16
steps because I want to keep talking to you and flirting and
23:18
hanging out, but I don't see any of that going anywhere further
23:21
anytime soon. And I feel like those are my
23:23
feelings. I think that's something a lot
23:25
of people don't realize. As much as I'm dating, I haven't
23:27
had sex. I haven't had penetrative sex
23:29
with anybody. And I think that when people see
23:31
me dating all the time and because of what I do, they
23:33
assume I'm and I'm fine to let people assume what they want,
23:36
that's on them. I can't be out and about being
23:38
like I'm not having sex by the way, because I did.
23:40
So we go back and forth. The short answer that I got was
23:43
that you aren't ready, which I accept and respect.
23:46
But knowing you, there's more or you wouldn't have come to a
23:49
conclusion of any sort. And I can't really explain it,
23:52
but he's he is right. There are parts of this that I'm
23:54
not telling him. I say OK, I don't know if you're
23:56
reading it wrong. Part of me just thinks telling
23:58
you the following would be impolite.
24:00
Here we go. The only thing I haven't said to
24:02
you is that I loved having sex with my ex.
24:04
It kept us together for a long time after other things fell
24:07
apart. I said, but I haven't had a
24:09
chance to grieve the intimacy we had.
24:11
And it took having sex to start the process.
24:13
And it was weird because there were times last night where I
24:15
thought, whoa, this is so much better.
24:18
And then there were parts where I thought, I'm sad I'm never
24:20
going to have sex with X again. You're 1 orgasm away from
24:25
knowing that That's not the truth.
24:26
Or you know what I mean? Like.
24:28
I literally love that. Actually, yeah, that's OK.
24:32
We just know logically that X is a bad situation, yes, and that
24:37
all things X should not be even, no, stay away.
24:42
But at the same time, like it's something that you experienced
24:46
for seven plus years. That's all you've known for the
24:49
last seven years, right? So now that you're actually
24:52
actively out there and doing this all over again, those
24:55
emotions that you've been suppressing for the last little
24:58
while are going to come back up. You know what I mean?
25:01
Like it's going to happen and that just happened to happen
25:04
after that. I think the one question I'm
25:07
left asking myself, you're left asking me is what do I want?
25:10
I feel like we've had a couple of people come up that have
25:13
seemed nice but don't hit all the little check marks, you
25:16
know, what are we thinking? I'm thinking I'm going to slow
25:18
down the dating a little bit and the holiday season is perfect
25:21
for that. That's number one.
25:22
I am going to continue talking to Never Been Kissed.
25:25
I am going to have Target guy in a few weeks and then 58.
25:31
We'll see what happens in New York.
25:33
I'm excited to see someone outside of your normal comfort
25:36
zone. I love this experiment that
25:38
you're going to get to run on my dating life, but we'll see how
25:42
it goes. With that said, I think it's
25:44
important to note because I'm taking time off with family, I'm
25:48
going to take the next two weeks off from the podcast as well.
25:51
Let's take a break and I think we will reconvene with a ton of
25:56
fun interviews in 2025. But also like I'll probably be
26:00
recording in New York. I have so many amazing, talented
26:03
friends in the scene in the coaching space that I'm going to
26:07
try and get interviews with in person and have conversations
26:10
and learn about interesting kinky things.
26:12
But I'll touch base on my dating as well, and I'll keep everyone
26:15
updated on Instagram stories with all the small details.
26:19
Excellent, thanks everyone. We'll see you again in 2025.
26:24
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
26:27
a review, and share it with anyone who might find it
26:29
interesting. If you have any questions or
26:31
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
26:34
reach out. e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
26:38
Until next time, keep on kinking on.