Latest / Libido Lounge / She Never Finishes. He Finishes Too Fast. Here's Why With Dr. Diane Mueller

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She Never Finishes. He Finishes Too Fast. Here's Why With Dr. Diane Mueller · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Let's take a 10 scale, and let's say if zero is not aroused at all and 10 is climax.
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  One person is having an orgasm prior to the other and the other person's left hanging, how
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  to last longer as a man, and how to have better orgasms as a woman.
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  This practice zone is where you're like really turned on, pull back, build up, hold.
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  They go really quickly from five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
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  And same, same, it becomes different, different, different.
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  Then she can go up, improving the orgasm quality.
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  It's gonna be a combination of few things.
• 0:35
  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome to the Libido Lounge.
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  I'm your host, board certified sexologist and double doctorate, doctor Diane.
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  And it's a pleasure to be talking to you guys today about how to last longer as a man and how
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  to have better orgasms as a woman.
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  So we're talking about these things together because the methodology, the method that I will
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  be teaching you, and I'm gonna give actionable steps today.
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  And this method really helps men last longer and helps women have better orgasm.
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  So the method is the same even though it might sound like we're doing two different things.
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  We're actually using the same technique.
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  Now before I go into that, one of the things that I want to just comment on if you are
• 1:20
  listening, you're like, well, why is this even important?
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  Or if there's maybe a level of orgasm gap going on where one person is having an orgasm prior
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  to the other and the other person's left hanging.
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  More commonly the woman is the one left hanging because men have a tendency to reach orgasm
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  more reliably, especially with penetrative sex.
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  So if you're listening, you're like, is this for me?
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  Well, if you are noticing there's desire mismatch, if you're noticing there's an orgasm
• 1:48
  gap or if you're noticing that you've kind of just lackluster of desire because as a man
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  perhaps you are fighting that hard ons, that erections just do not have that same force that
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  they used to, and maybe there's some performance anxiety with that, really common.
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  And if you're a woman and you're like, wow, orgasms are just like not that exciting
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  anymore, they're not that great anymore, this is a big reason that will drive women to no
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  longer be interested in sex.
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  So some of the reason behind that is when we orgasm, it increases the hormone oxytocin about
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  500 times in our blood.
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  Now when oxytocin oxytocin goes up that much, it sends a signal to the brain, and the signal
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  says, this is really yummy.
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  I want more.
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  So if we are not having very profound orgasms, we're not having that oxytocin boost to the
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  brain, And if we're not having that oxytocin boost, we're not getting the brain to kick in
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  and say, wow, that was really great.
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  I think I want another.
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  Right?
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  That is the power of oxytocin.
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  So the quality of our orgasms, therefore, is extremely important because that is going to be
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  a driver to having more sex.
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  And so another thing that I think we should say here before we get into the material is that
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  sex, while we're talking about pleasure and closeness and bonding, there's so many other
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  reasons why this should be a priority in our life.
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  One thing we see in studies is that when we are having regular sex, it's actually increasing
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  something called trust adaptation.
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  Trust adaptation is the ability in relationship to forgive small breaches.
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  So let's say that you're upset about, you know, something small somebody did.
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  Maybe they didn't show up for something when they said they would.
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  Maybe they forgot to call you when they said they would.
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  Maybe they didn't perform some sort of household chore when they said they would,
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  right?
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  So let's say there's like a small little breach.
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  The more you have trust adaptation, the higher your trust adaptation, the more likely you're
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  going to be able to say, have a conversation about it and then forgive easily and say, you
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  know what?
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  This is not important to hold on to.
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  I'm going to let this go and never bring it up again.
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  Obviously that sounds like that would be good for the relationship, so the more trust
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  adaptation we have the easier it is to do that.
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  And orgasms and sex help with increasing that trust adaptation.
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  This is another reason why I think a low amount of sex has been linked as one of the top
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  reasons why couples get divorced.
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  Like, yes, there's the pleasure.
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  Yes, there's the bond and all of that.
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  But there's also this fundamental thing around trust adaptation.
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  So if we're not engaging sexually, we're probably fighting a lot more.
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  We're probably holding onto things a lot more and not forgiving as easily as we want to or as
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  we should.
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  So another thing to bring up in kind of the fundamentals why is that sex has also been
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  shown to heal and help support so many different symptoms.
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  So in modern societies we see research linking oxytocin that is released during sex to
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  improving bones, to improving anxiety, lessening anxiety, to lessening depression, to
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  helping with mood stabilization, to help with sleep, and so much more.
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  When we look in ancient Chinese text, so one of my doctorates is in acupuncture and oriental
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  medicine, so I have a huge amount of training in eastern medicine as well as naturopathic and
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  western side of medicine.
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  And when I look in old Chinese text, one of the things we see is that they were using certain
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  positions to heal certain scenarios.
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  So they had sex positions that they would specifically do if people were suffering from
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  things like chronic fatigue.
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  So that's really interesting, right?
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  So like now we have the modern science that's looking at sex and saying, okay, well, we know
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  that sex can actually help with mood, with sleep, with all these things.
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  And if we look at ancient traditions, we also see that even they found certain positions were
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  improving that in individuals.
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  And I'll make another video about that sometime soon so that you guys can also learn more about
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  these various positions.
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  So make sure you subscribe to the channel so you don't miss that when that comes out.
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  And one more thing and then I'm going to get into the how for today.
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  So the how remember is how we actually last longer as a man, how we have better orgasms as
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  a woman.
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  But before I do that, I want to make sure to invite you to go to take my libido quiz that
• 6:32
  you can find at libidoquiz.com.
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  The purpose of this quiz is to help you understand the root causes for reasons why you
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  have low desire.
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  So this could be hormonally related, it could be circulatory related, it could be pelvic
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  floor related, it could be inflammatory related, and others.
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  And the idea of this quiz is to teach you about labs that your doctor may not have ordered
• 6:59
  based upon what you are experiencing so that you can advocate for yourself to get the lab
• 7:05
  tests that you need.
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  So that is at libidoquiz.com, totally free to take.
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  You'll get a great, personalized response after the quiz around your specific quiz answer.
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  So libidoquiz.com for that.
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  Now let's get into some of the nitty gritty for today.
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  So one of the things to understand that is very similar with how to last longer as a man as
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  well as how to have better orgasms as a woman is the arousal scale.
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  So let's take a 10 scale, and let's say if zero is not aroused at all and 10 is climax.
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  So the scale of this is how far along you are as you get aroused, as you get closer to
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  climax.
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  So what will happen oftentimes for men is they get to a point where there's that point of no
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  return.
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  That's kind of when they're getting into that nine, ten range and it's like, oh, we're going
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  over the hill.
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  We're having that orgasm.
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  So for women what can happen is that when they reach that, sometimes as soon as they reach
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  that, they just go over without building.
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  So I'm going to explain and break this down for you a little more.
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  So for men, this practice of lasting longer is you have a kind of like this practice zone, and
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  this practice zone is where you're like really turned on and if you let go a little bit more,
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  you could go over that hill and climax.
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  But if you pull back and you lower your arousal from say like a seven or eight back down to say
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  a five, a four or five, and then you build up.
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  So you're kind of like oscillating between say about a four on the arousal scale and an eight,
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  maybe a nine, depending upon your level of control.
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  And so when you do this, what you're doing is you're then you're allowing more blood flow,
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  and then you're pulling back more blood flow.
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  Three, four, five, seven, eight, nine times.
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  You are actually As you learn your body's signals orgasm.
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  Once you've done this several times, you're basically doing the same thing, but the
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  intention's gonna be different.
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  So many times, especially when the clitoris is involved because the clitoris has 8,000 nerve
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  endings, what can happen for women, especially if they are doing any clitoral stimulation, is
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  they can sometimes move as soon as they do start getting aroused, which will oftentimes
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  take fifteen, twenty minutes.
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  But as soon as that arousal kicks in, if the clitorisans evolve, they go really quickly from
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  five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
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  And what can happen at that point is there's not enough build for the orgasm to be really
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  great.
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  So for women it's the same thing.
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  It's like getting to that seven, eight, nine, pulling back and going to that four.
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  So you're doing the same sort of thing.
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  Now how you do this could be slightly different.
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  For men, oftentimes when you're needing to pull back, the answer is stop.
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  That is one of the biggest things that often helps men.
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  Another thing that helps men here is almost like squeezing.
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  You squeeze the perineum, so you squeeze those muscles almost like you're holding back urine.
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  And as you do that, that can actually energetically pull the, like, like the impulse
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  to climax down.
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  And another thing that can really help men, if it's like, wow, you can't get this under
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  control and you need help, is to push on the acupuncture point known as the conception
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  vessel one or Wei Yin.
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  This is also the perineum.
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  And if you push, if you take a few fingers and you push kind of hard on that point, that can
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  oftentimes and you're just like pushing still, that can oftentimes be combined with stopping
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  to act with the stopping of movement to actually stop the climax.
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  It's gonna be different for every man.
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  So this is a great thing to practice solo before doing partner play, but certainly it's
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  very fun with partner play as well.
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  And what you can do with this is what you're looking is for like your subtle signals, right,
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  of when you've gone too far.
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  And when you do this, what is happening is you're able to last longer for her cause much
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  of the time she's going to need more time especially to build that quality.
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  Now for her to basically oscillate between this arousal cycle, one of the most important things
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  to understand is once a woman finds in that moment what is working for her.
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  So this could be different from the moment tomorrow, the moment yesterday, the moment five
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  years, the moment ten years.
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  It could be different from the moment an hour from now.
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  But when she finds that thing that's really arousing her, what tends to improve increase
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  that arousal cycle for her is doing the same thing over and over.
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  So if you find this pressure, this tempo, this rhythm is working and she's getting more
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  aroused, the more you stay on that is usually what's going to drive her over that arousal or
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  drive her over to that climax.
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  So conversely, if you then once she's starting to get aroused, if she or you and, you know, if
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  I'm talking to the men here, but this is also for the ladies of course, if if you guys can
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  together change that rhythm or change that pace or change something else, that breaks that
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  arousal cycle for her.
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  So oftentimes to slide lower back on that arousal scale instead of same, same, same, it
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  becomes different, different, different.
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  And as she slid back down, then she can go up.
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  So one of the tricky things for the woman is to really learn where that zone is and where to
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  play is so you're climbing back down to say that five or that four so that you can build up
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  to that eight and you kind of play in that zone, that's going to build that arousal.
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  It's going to build that energy in the pelvic floor so that when she does orgasm, it's going
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  to be much more substantial.
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  The thing to play with though is working to not drive it all the way back down to one because
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  now you've got more work and oftentimes a lot more time to bring that arousal up.
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  And sometimes like that can be really fun.
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  Other times it can prolong things in a way that feels almost like frustrating and might
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  frustrate her to a level of, wow, am I actually going to be able to orgasm?
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  Okay.
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  So let's talk about a couple other things because one of the other things with this is
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  making sure we have enough blood flow, right?
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  And that's another thing that's really important with the orgasm gap as well is making
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  sure there's blood flow to the penis and blood flow to the clitoris.
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  What a lot of people don't realize is the clitoris has a lot of similarities to the
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  penis.
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  It has the same types of spongy tissue, the same types of tissue that can really engorge
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  with blood.
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  It just takes a little longer.
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  But for sex and orgasms to feel great for the woman, she needs to be able to have blood flow
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  to the clitoris.
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  So one of my favorite tools for the men is the penis pump.
• 13:45
  And so the penis pump, and there's also clitoris pumps for the women.
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  So this is awesome because it's very common with men that we see sometimes up to like a 20%
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  change in volume and in the size throughout the man's life that it decreases just the pure size
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  of the penis with age.
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  Women, see this too, that with age the clitoris can shrink.
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  In fact, when I was doing cadaver lab in my medical school program, one of the things that
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  we happened to notice was that one of the cadavers didn't even have a visible clitoral
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  head at all because of likely atrophy.
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  This woman was in the in her eighties when she passed, and likely that tissue had just
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  literally shrunk up from that lack of blood flow.
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  So like anything else, we need that blood flow, we need that health to the tissue for it to
• 14:34
  feel really great.
• 14:35
  Now not all penis and clitoral pumps on the market are the same.
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  So I have here my favorite one.
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  I'm gonna have below the show notes information on this one as well as coupon codes for you,
• 14:46
  but this is from Doctor.
• 14:47
  Joel Kaplan.
• 14:49
  What I love about this company is they do so much research.
• 14:52
  So for their pumps, they come in a lot of different sizes, and this is essential because
• 14:57
  a lot of the cheaper pumps on the market only have one size, and they try to make up for it
• 15:02
  by putting a gasket down at the bottom.
• 15:05
  So because you need a proper seal for the blood to flow.
• 15:08
  Now the problem is if you get ones that are trying to not size it right because they have
• 15:13
  so many different sizes, but instead are trying to just make up for the pressure to seal with
• 15:20
  the gasket, the gasket's going to actually restrict blood flow, and we want, in order to
• 15:25
  encourage healthy penile tissue or healthy clitoral tissue, we want blood flow to come
• 15:30
  back.
• 15:31
  So the better ones don't need a ket because they are fit just by the proper sizes.
• 15:35
  They have more sizes than this here.
• 15:37
  I just have two of them here.
• 15:39
  They also have sizes, of course, for the women in the clitoris.
• 15:42
  Another big important thing from a safety perspective is you do not want the wrong amount
• 15:47
  of pressure.
• 15:49
  Too much pressure could cause a lot of problems medically speaking.
• 15:52
  So I like this one because they have a very easy to use gauge so that you can make sure
• 15:57
  that you are never above the proper amount of pressure.
• 16:01
  Now in addition to that, I love this company because they do a ton of research.
• 16:06
  So the research they do on this product is really related to efficacy.
• 16:12
  So one of the things they've seen in all the humans they've tracked is that ninety two
• 16:16
  percent of them have positive results from using their products.
• 16:20
  That's pretty amazing.
• 16:21
  Men are experiencing increases in length from one inch to three inches commonly.
• 16:27
  Men are also seeing about a half inch to three quarters inch increase in girth commonly.
• 16:34
  So this is not only to help with a issue with not getting blood flow there, but it's actually
• 16:41
  to help some of those age related changes that start happening oftentimes we don't even
• 16:45
  notice.
• 16:46
  So in conclusion, and when we are looking really at improving this with men, improving
• 16:53
  the how long we last, improving the orgasm quality, it's going be a combination of a few
• 16:58
  things.
• 16:59
  We want to work on this arousal scale and really learn to use this well.
• 17:04
  We want to make sure that we are getting to any root causes that are impacting our libido.
• 17:10
  Remember you can go to libidoquiz.com for that.
• 17:12
  And we want to make sure we're getting proper blood flow to the penile tissue and to the
• 17:17
  clitoris, which we can do with these amazing penis and vulvar pumps that you can find below
• 17:22
  the show notes from Doctor.
• 17:24
  Joel Kaplan, as well as discount codes for you as well.
• 17:28
  Remember, we always want to make sure we are considering things holistically and also
• 17:33
  thinking about things such as communication, how we're interrelating, do we have enough
• 17:38
  foreplay, our turn ons and our turn offs, and more.
• 17:41
  So libidoquiz.com is a great place for you guys to start.
• 17:45
  I hope you will take advantage of these amazing pumps to see the results that they can provide
• 17:50
  you and make your intimate life more passionate, hot in now and into whatever age
• 17:56
  you are here on this earth for.
• 17:57
  We are now seeing that more people are having sex into their eighties and nineties, which did
• 18:03
  not used to happen, and some of that has been due to really taking care of this tissue.
• 18:08
  Just like any other tissue in our body, we want to keep the health of the genital tissue really
• 18:14
  high if we want to continue to be able to participate in, you know, in sex throughout our
• 18:19
  life, which really is wonderful for so many health benefits including that trust
• 18:23
  adaptation.
• 18:24
  So I hope this has been wonderful for you guys.
• 18:27
  Please do always leave me comments so I know what other material to bring on.
• 18:33
  If you have guest recommendations, please do put them in the comments.
• 18:36
  I would love to have any recommendations you have, and make sure you subscribe so you do not
• 18:41
  miss any future episodes, especially ones coming down the pipeline around sex positions
• 18:45
  for certain health benefits.
• 18:47
  I'll talk to you all real soon.
• 18:48
  I'm your libido doc.
• 18:50
  See you later.
• 18:54
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 18:56
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 18:57
  Please share this with your friends.
• 18:59
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.