Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / Why New Managers Fail The First One On One
Transcript
- Lucas: The most dangerous lie a new manager tells themselves is that they need to prove their competence in the first week. Luna: Right, because trying to prove you know everything usually makes you look like you know nothing about listening. Lucas: Exactly. We talk a lot about delegation and strategy in this series, but almost no one talks about the single most important ritual of management: the one-on-one. Specifically, the very first one. Most people treat it like a mini-status update or a performance review prep session. It is neither. It is a contract negotiation for the relationship. Luna: And if you walk in there with a clipboard and a list of questions about project timelines, you have already lost the room. Lucas: You haven't just lost the room, you have signaled that you view them as resources rather than partners. Let’s look at the data from Gallup. Employees who have regular one-on-ones with their managers are three times more likely to agree that their opinions count. But here is the catch: that only happens if the manager actually listens. If you are talking more than thirty percent of the time in that first hour, you are failing the basic mechanics of leadership. Luna: Thirty percent feels low when you are anxious to fill the silence, but I see why it works. Silence forces them to lead the agenda. Lucas: It does. And that brings us to the specific trap I want to drill into today: the 'Interviewer Trap.' You have just been promoted. You are eager. Your former peers are watching to see if you will change. So you ask standard HR questions. What are your goals? What keeps you up at night? Where do you see yourself in five years? Luna: Which sounds great on paper, but feels like an interrogation to someone who just saw you get a raise while they did not. Lucas: Precisely. The power dynamic has shifted overnight. When you ask those generic questions, you are asking them to perform loyalty for a boss they might not trust yet. A better approach, used by high-performing teams at companies like Adobe, is to flip the script entirely. Instead of asking what they want to achieve, you ask what they need from you to succeed. It changes the frame from evaluation to enablement. Luna: That is a subtle but massive shift. It moves you from judge to coach in the first ten minutes. Lucas: It does. So let’s get concrete. Imagine you are sitting down with Sarah, a senior engineer who reported to you before you got promoted. She is skeptical. She thinks you are going to micro-manage her code. If you start with 'Tell me about your current workload,' she will give you a defensive, technical answer. But if you open with 'I want to understand what blocks you right now so I can remove them,' the conversation changes immediately. Luna: Because now you are solving a problem for her, rather than auditing her output. Lucas: Exactly. And this leads to the second part of the framework, which is setting the rhythm. Many new managers think they need to schedule these weekly immediately. But if you haven't built rapport, a forced weekly cadence feels like surveillance. A smarter move is to co-create the frequency. Ask her directly: 'How often do you prefer to sync? Weekly? Bi-weekly? As needed?' Give her agency over the process. Luna: I love that. It respects her time and acknowledges that different roles have different communication needs. Lucas: It also prevents the 'meeting fatigue' that plagues modern offices. Some people thrive on daily stand-ups; others need deep work blocks. By letting her define the rhythm, you show respect for her working style. This is where most new managers fail. They impose their own preferred communication style on everyone else. They send emails when someone prefers Slack. They want face to face when someone prefers async updates. Luna: So the first one-on-one isn't just about getting to know them, it's about calibrating the interface between you two. Lucas: Spot on. Think of it as API documentation for human interaction. You are figuring out how to connect without crashing the system. Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Managing former peers. This is the unique pressure of our topic today. When you sit down with Sarah, she remembers when you were equal. She might test you. She might make a joke about the old days to see if you get defensive. Luna: Or she might wait for you to slip up so she can prove you aren't ready for the role. Lucas: Both happen. The trick is to acknowledge the shift explicitly but gently. You don't need to apologize for the promotion, but you should validate the change. You might say, 'I know things feel different now, and I want to make sure we find a way to work together that respects our history while fitting my new responsibilities.' That opens the door for honesty. Luna: It disarms the tension because you aren't pretending the past didn't happen. You are accepting the present reality. Lucas: And that builds psychological safety. Amy Edmondson’s research on this is clear. Teams perform best when members feel safe to take risks and admit mistakes. If your first one-on-one is stiff and formal, you signal that mistakes are punished. If it is curious and collaborative, you signal that growth is supported. Luna: So the content of the conversation matters less than the tone you set in those first five minutes. Lucas: Almost entirely. Here is a specific question structure I recommend using in that first meeting. Step one: Context. 'I value your perspective and want to learn how I can support you.' Step two: Discovery. 'What is working well for you right now? What is frustrating?' Step three: Alignment. 'How can we make our weekly syncs useful for you, not just me?' It is simple, but it covers all the bases. Luna: It avoids the trap of making it about your ego. You are positioning yourself as a servant leader from minute one. Lucas: Servant leadership is a buzzword, but the mechanic is real. You are removing friction. Now, I want to pause here for a moment. We have talked a lot about the theory, but let’s talk about the logistics. Where should these meetings happen? Zoom? Office? walk and talk? Luna: Location sets the tone too. A formal conference room feels like a disciplinary hearing. A casual coffee shop feels like a friendship. Lucas: Exactly. For the first few ones, I suggest neutral ground. A quiet corner of the office or a video call with cameras on. Avoid overly intimate spaces until trust is established. And please, put the phone away. If you are checking emails during the first one-on-one, you are telling the employee that their development is secondary to your inbox. Luna: That is a hard line to hold when you are drowning in work, but it is non-negotiable for building respect. Lucas: It is. Look, before we dive deeper into how to handle difficult conversations in these early weeks, I want to share something personal about how this show operates. We have been producing these daily episodes for a while now, covering everything from finance to careers, and we do not run ads. No banners, no sponsored segments, no pre-roll interruptions. Luna: That means the only thing keeping this production alive is the listeners who believe in the format enough to chip in. Lucas: Right. A small group of you already support us through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It covers the editing, the hosting, and the research that goes into every script. If this kind of honest, ad-free business journalism helps you in your career, consider joining that group. It costs very little, and it lets us keep doing this without compromising our voice. Luna: Yeah, it really is just a way to vote for the kind of content you want to see more of. Thank you for supporting independent media. Lucas: Thanks. Now, back to the work. Once you have had that first foundational one-on-one, how do you maintain momentum? Because most managers lose steam after month two. Luna: They get busy, the urgency fades, and the meetings become checkbox exercises again. Lucas: Precisely. The key is to document and follow up. After that first meeting, send a brief email summarizing what you heard. 'Thanks for sharing that Sarah. Just to confirm, you need X support on Y project, and we will meet bi-weekly on Tuesdays.' This shows you listened. It creates a written record. It proves you are reliable. Luna: Documentation is boring, but it is the bedrock of trust. It removes ambiguity. Lucas: It does. And it protects both of you. If expectations drift later, you have a baseline. Now, let’s address the hard part. What if Sarah tells you something uncomfortable? What if she says she dislikes your predecessor? Or she reveals a conflict with another team member? Luna: That is the test. Do you jump in to fix it, or do you listen and assess? Lucas: Listen and assess. Do not promise to fix anything immediately. Say, 'Thank you for bringing that up. I need to think about how to navigate that sensitively.' Then go investigate. Talk to other stakeholders. Get the full picture. Never act on partial information in your first ninety days. Patience is a leadership virtue. Luna: Patience is hard when you are promoted and expected to deliver quick wins, but rushing causes permanent damage. Lucas: Agreed. Quick fixes often create new problems. Building trust is slow work. But once it is there, it compounds. You will find that employees who trust you will bring you problems earlier. They will ask for help before it becomes a crisis. That is the ROI of good one-on-ones. Luna: So the goal isn't to be liked, it is to be trusted. There is a big difference. Lucas: Huge difference. Liked implies popularity. Trusted implies reliability. You can be trusted even if people are nervous around you. But you cannot be effective if you are just popular. Focus on the latter. Luna: That is a useful distinction for anyone struggling with the social aspect of management. Lucas: Absolutely. Finally, remember that the first one-on-one is not a monologue. It is not a presentation. It is a conversation. Prepare three questions max. Listen eight times longer than you speak. Follow up in writing. And then do it again next week. Consistency beats intensity every single time. Luna: Simple rules, but easy to forget when the pressure is on. Lucas: That is why we write them down. To remind ourselves of the basics when the complexity creeps in. Luna: So, what is one question you would add to that core trio if you were managing a remote team specifically? Lucas: I would ask, 'What is one thing that makes remote collaboration harder for you than you expect?' It surfaces hidden friction points that never come up in person. Luna: That is brilliant. It turns a weakness into a shared problem to solve. Lucas: Exactly. And that is how you build a team that works, not just a team that reports.