Latest / Libido Lounge / Why Sex Gets Better After 40 (When You Lead with Your Heart) with Tarisha Tourok

Transcript

Why Sex Gets Better After 40 (When You Lead with Your Heart) with Tarisha Tourok · Libido Lounge

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  When my sexuality is connected to my heart, then my body is so much more open and then I
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  want to have sex.
• 0:07
  Terisha Taruk is an informed, trauma informed relationship and female sexuality therapist
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  passionate about supporting women and reclaiming the power and beauty of their
• 0:16
  sexuality.
• 0:18
  With a couple of post graduate degrees in counseling and psychotherapy, she's had the
• 0:22
  privilege of guiding hundreds of incredible women on their journeys to rediscovering their
• 0:27
  desires.
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  Learning how to be an invitation for love and affection and feeling whole.
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  The result for them is heart melting and fulfilling love lives.
• 0:39
  She's trained in women centered coaching which means she truly understands the unique
• 0:44
  challenges and complexities that women face when it comes to their bodies and sexuality.
• 0:50
  She's designed a holistic approach known as the sexual app sexuality empowered radiant woman
• 0:57
  method.
• 0:58
  This method doesn't just enhance your sex life, it boosts your confidence, helps you feel more
• 1:03
  radiant no matter what your age, shape, or size, and just lets you shine in your everyday
• 1:08
  life.
• 1:09
  It's really an experience.
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  My whole body starts to vibrate.
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  It's actually my whole body starts to feel a sense of love.
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  I'm breathing in through your sex center into your heart, breathing out from your heart into
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  your sex center.
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  It's so beautiful to actually keep on feeling your heart being part of that sexual activity.
• 1:27
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  I want you to get these bonuses.
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  This is only available for a short time period.
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  So if you head over to wanttowantit.com, you're not only gonna get all these free bonuses, but
• 1:49
  you're gonna get access to this book where we talk about root causes of low libido.
• 1:54
  We talk about how to have better sex.
• 1:56
  We talk about how to get more sex and how to be better at it.
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  So head over to wanttowantit.com.
• 2:02
  Now let's get going with our episode.
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  Tricia Tarruck is an informed, trauma informed relationship and female sexuality therapist
• 2:11
  passionate about supporting women and reclaiming the power and beauty of their
• 2:15
  sexuality.
• 2:17
  With a couple of postgraduate degrees in counseling and psychotherapy, she's had the
• 2:21
  privilege of guiding hundreds of incredible women on their journeys to rediscovering their
• 2:26
  desires, learning how to be an invitation for love and affection and feeling whole.
• 2:33
  The result for them is heart melting and fulfilling love lives.
• 2:38
  She's trained in women centered coaching, which means she truly understands the unique
• 2:43
  challenges and complexities that women face when it comes to their bodies and sexuality.
• 2:49
  She's designed a holistic approach known as the sexual sexuality empowered radiant woman
• 2:56
  method.
• 2:57
  This method doesn't just enhance your sex life, it boosts your confidence, helps you feel more
• 3:02
  radiant no matter what your age, shape, or size, and just lets you shine in your everyday
• 3:08
  life.
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  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to my channel.
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  Welcome back to another episode on the libido lounge.
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  I'm so thrilled to bring a women's embodiment and women's sexuality expert to our show today,
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  and I want a first name before I bring her on that if you're listening to to this as a man
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  and you're getting ready to turn it off, I really encourage you not to.
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  Because what I have found in my work with couples is that the more we understand each
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  other, the better sex life gets for everybody.
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  So even though today's show is focused on the ladies, I really encourage you men to stay
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  listening to this because you will learn things about how you can support the women in your
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  life become more radiant, more embodied, more heart filled, and more sexually alive in your
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  their bodies, which is something that benefits the entire couple.
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  So without further ado, welcome to the show, Theresa.
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  Good to have you here.
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  Thank you for having me here.
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  It's a joy.
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  It is a
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  joy to be with you.
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  And and we're gonna get right into, you know, what is heart melting sex, why is this
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  important after 40, And see where our conversation takes us.
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  But just tell us your work is super unique and really supporting, you know, 40, but also in
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  really supporting people with having a different type of sexual experience.
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  Why is this important to you?
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  How did you get here?
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  Just growing, you know, being younger and not really feeling that sex was fulfilling me and
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  feeling like sex is maybe for my partner, for my husband.
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  And then I went all around the world, studied all sorts of things.
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  And what I found out is actually when my sexuality is connected to my heart, then my
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  body is so much more open and then I want to have sex rather than try to avoid it.
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  And that's what I love teaching women that actually what if we start loving sex, you know,
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  as much as men do?
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  Because quite often in a couple I know there are some women who love sex.
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  Yeah?
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  But there are a majority, I think, of women that feel like, well, it's for him, all I need
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  to do to keep peace in the family.
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  And what I realize when we connect our sex to our heart, we start to love it, crave it, want
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  it, and it benefits everyone.
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  Okay.
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  So I think you already got the men's attention because because absolutely.
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  Right?
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  I see that in my work as well that there's you know, it's stereotypical, but it's a very
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  common stereotype that women are not as interested.
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  And I think there is something huge to be said with exactly that, with maybe not being in
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  their bodies, maybe not being in their hearts and just showing up to their sexual life from
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  an obligatory standpoint.
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  So then is that how you would describe then this this whole heart melting sex or how would
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  you describe what heart melting sex is, which is part of what you teach?
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  Well, for me, it's really an experience of when I'm with my partner.
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  Yeah.
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  We're, like, making love in the body.
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  We're making more love in the world, and it's like my whole body starts to vibrate.
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  So it's not just focused on my, right, my sex center.
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  It's actually my whole body starts to feel a sense of love.
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  So rather than just pleasure, rather than sexual excitement, but it's that sense of,
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  like, expansion, sense of beauty, sense of something deeper, something bigger.
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  And, yeah, it just feels then it feels like my heart starts to open.
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  And sometimes I ask him, you know, can you penetrate my heart?
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  And with that intention, just she's like, oh, yeah.
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  And it becomes quite, yeah, an experience of aliveness, of fullness, and, yeah, making more
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  laugh.
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  That's what I feel like.
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  We're making more laugh physically making more laugh in the world.
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  So then would you describe heart melting sex?
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  Is this, like, oriented to women?
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  Because in many ways, women oftentimes and this is, again, not always true, but in many ways,
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  women experience much more of a need for, like, an emotional connection with sex?
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  Like, do you find that this helps with that emotional connection and that's part of what's
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  opening women up more?
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  Well, it has to start with emotional connection rather than sex and then emotional connection
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  because that's more again, we're kind of talking in general.
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  Yeah.
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  But that's more how men go into emotional connection.
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  They feel sexual connection, and then they feel more intimate, emotional connection.
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  But what I also find is that after 40, male men's hormones change as well, and they
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  actually start to want more emotional connection.
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  So it's not just about women.
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  I think when we're younger, they're more kind of mechanical and more that kind of pleasure
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  oriented sex is good for men as well and for women.
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  But when we get older, men start to crave the emotional connection as well.
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  So we're kind of after 40, we're in a really good place for women and men because we start
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  to match more where sex becomes more heart centered rather than just the physicality of
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  it.
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  And quite often for men as well, they might have, sexual dysfunctions, right, if there is
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  no heart to heart connection.
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  So then becomes more important as we age, which is such a good news for ladies.
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  Okay.
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  So that kind of finds a little bit about, like like, what heart opening sex is or heart
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  melting sex and a little bit maybe even about who it's for.
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  But can you give us, like, a like, an action step, especially for the ladies, but also for
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  the men listening?
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  Like, if people are interested in starting to have this more expansive sex, like, where do
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  people even start?
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  So that I'm, first of all, paying attention here, what kind of sex are you having now?
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  Is there a heart in it?
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  Yeah?
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  Or is it just mechanical?
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  Are you just trying to kind of do the actions?
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  And then I really invite my foundational practice for women is breathing.
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  We're breathing from our sex center to our heart, and we start connecting, yeah, our heart
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  and then breathing out from our heart to our sex center.
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  And when we start really connecting, you can put one hand on your heart, one hand on your
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  belly, and really in your body start to feel that connection.
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  Are these places connected for me, or is there a big separation?
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  And as you start paying attention and you start breathing, yeah, breathing in through your sex
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  center into your heart, breathing out from your heart into your sex center, noticing are there
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  any blocks here?
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  Does it flow?
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  Can I even think about my sexuality connected to my heart?
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  So really becoming curious about it.
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  And then, of course, there are, like, a lot of things we might need to do to get to that
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  connection because there could be past traumas.
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  Right?
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  There could be the disconnection from our heart.
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  There could be guilt, shame that we need to go through before we can really start feeling that
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  connection.
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  But the breathing practice is quite powerful, just simply breathing from your sex center into
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  your heart, breathing out from your heart down into your sex center.
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  I don't know.
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  Like, that's a very big question.
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  Yeah.
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  Oh, yeah.
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  Oh, yeah.
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  And and and, well, in thinking about that too, like, I'm curious from, like, that initial
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  action step for people because I'm I'm, like, very into, like, let's take action, you know.
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  And and in that initial action step, are you generally recommending people that do that
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  during, like, during sexual intimacy, or is that, in your experience, like, a private
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  thing?
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  Like, okay.
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  This has nothing to do with sex as far as the actual act and more just like part of like a
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  meditative practice they do outside of the realms with their partner?
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  It's both because we need to have a practice before we go into sexual intimacy because that
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  can be too stimulating, too overwhelming.
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  So I really ask women two minutes a day if you can actually put one hand on your heart, one
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  hand on your belly, somewhere close to your sex center that feels comfortable and feel into
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  that connection, breathe into that.
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  And then when you're with your partner, you're you will remember to do that.
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  Yeah?
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  And if you ask your partner, you can breathe together, just five minutes of breathing
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  together before doing anything else.
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  Yeah.
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  And then during, like, during intercourse, during self pleasuring, during, you know,
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  mutual pleasuring, it's so beautiful to actually keep on feeling your heart being part
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  of that sexual activity.
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  But it's very important to do it outside as well.
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  Yeah.
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  That's where we start.
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  Because if we just go into sexual activity, it's like, oh, it's too much, and it's
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  difficult to create that flow on the body.
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  So you mentioned shame.
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  Right?
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  And that's something that I think comes up a lot with the, the topic of sex.
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  So if somebody is, like, experiencing, like, they're breathing and they're moving their
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  breath from their genitals to their heart and back down, And all of a sudden they have some
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  sort of, like like, shame reach, like, rush over them, or maybe they just find themselves,
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  like, checking out and they can't even stay in the presence of their body with this exercise,
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  which to me is always a potential indicator of shame.
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  Do you have any recommendations for what people do if, like, they try this exercise?
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  It's like, wow.
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  I'm, like, happy realizing I have a lot of shame around my genitals.
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  Like, what do people do in that scenario?
• 12:09
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  The first step, and I always teach that, one of the I teach seven sacred sexuality keys.
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  One of them is pause, which is so important.
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  When you feel that, it's so important to pause because then you create safety for yourself.
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  You don't overwrite.
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  You don't push.
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  Yeah?
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  Keep on kind of being there, but not but actually being absent.
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  Yeah?
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  So it's important to pause and actually, okay.
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  Something is happening right now.
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  And that's where it's important to communicate to your partner.
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  Actually, I'm not something is happening right now.
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  Maybe it's not about you, but something is happening inside.
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  Can we please pause and just stay with that?
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  And the ninja guest technique afterwards.
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  Yeah.
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  And you might need some time to get there, actually, to be able to express it, maybe
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  through sound, maybe through movement.
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  Like, last night, I was teaching, and then I came home, and I felt frustrated and irritated.
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  And I could bring that into sexual intimacy and I could, you know, scream and roar and it felt
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  so exciting, but he was able to hold me in that.
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  So there needs to be, okay.
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  Can we actually do that together?
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  And you might take a lot of steps to get to that point.
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  But shame is usually it freezes us.
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  And we can't act, we can't talk.
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  So bring a bit of movement, pause and actually a little bit of movement and noticing what is
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  the emotion behind that.
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  Yeah?
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  And there could be sadness, there could be hurt, there could be anger.
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  And connecting to those emotions.
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  And in some way, shape, or form, trying to run that energy through the body rather than kind
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  of freezing and shutting down.
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  Yeah?
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  Even moving one finger is like, you know, the shame on moving one finger and keep on
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  breathing.
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  And, of course, your partner needs to be up to it.
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  You need to kind of talk about it.
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  You need to be able to express that with your partner there.
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  Or maybe you need someone else to help you.
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  But when we're going to shame, it's important to have someone else there with us because
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  shame is such an isolating emotion that we need someone else to help us through that.
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  Again, a big question.
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  Yeah.
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  Well, oh, yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I like to go deep for sure.
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  Uh-uh.
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  But thank you.
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  I appreciate that, you know, the idea of of having a partner that can walk us through that
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  and and be there with us through that.
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  It's it is a big question, but I do think these you know, shame is something, especially when
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  we're talking about sexuality, I think more people, in my, you know, in my opinion, like,
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  experience this more than people we even realize.
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  You know, there's there's so many different ways that we are shamed around our sexuality
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  throughout our whole life, oftentimes.
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  And even if it's just a silly passing comment by a very kind lover and we take it the wrong
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  way, sometimes our body holds shame.
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  So I think it's a really important thing.
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  I know you work with women over 40 a lot, so my curiosity is, like, with this whole practice on
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  heart opening sex, like, do you find that it's, like, particularly important for women after
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  40?
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  Is it or is it just more that it's for all women and and that just happens to be your
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  focus?
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  It's important for women, and I sometimes work with, you know, 20 year olds, and it's so
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  delightful to work with them.
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  But what I find in our younger years, we're so focused on bringing family, achieving careers
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  that we just don't have that time and focus on ourselves, on our sexuality.
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  And women are so good, and I know we had to be so good at focusing on everyone else.
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  And I find that only after 40 women like, oh, what about me?
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  I want my experience to be good.
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  Yeah.
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  And I know, of course, for everyone, it's just so amazing to have that emotional connection
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  and intimacy.
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  But, yeah, as we grow older, we tend to start to find time for that and think, like, I don't
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  wanna have mechanical sex anymore.
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  When in younger years, it could be exciting.
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  You know?
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  It could be really exciting just the physicality of it.
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  But as we grow older, something shifts where that emotional connection becomes more
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  important.
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  Yeah.
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  And of course, there are variations.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  That makes perfect sense.
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  So can you give us I know sometimes you talk about three keys to awakening the power of our
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  sexuality.
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  So can you tell us about what those three keys are?
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  So I talk about, like, seven keys.
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  Yeah?
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  And the first step is actually to really notice where am I at.
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  Yeah?
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  What's actually going on?
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  And there's that pause.
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  If I pause, if I take take a breath, what is going on with me?
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  Yeah?
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  And maybe journaling about it, how I feel about my sexuality, how I experience it, what works
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  for me, what doesn't work.
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  So you become really aware.
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  And that's the pause where you can take a deep breath and actually notice, okay.
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  This is where I'm at.
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  Yeah?
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  And then the next step is to start connecting to our body and start to really drop into the
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  body.
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  Because quite often women and I see it kind of we live up here somewhere in our heads, but
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  actually coming down into the body because sexuality happens in the body.
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  So coming down, and you can do that through dancing, through yoga, through breath work,
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  whatever works for you, but really coming back inside yourself, dropping inside.
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  And, you know, the messages, whatever it is.
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  And then when you drop, right, you know where you're at, you drop into your body, and then
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  practicing sacred sexuality practices.
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  And the breath work is part of it, being by yourself with your partner, really dropping
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  deeper into your sexuality through breath work, through you can call it meditation.
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  Yeah.
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  You can call it kind of setting up the scene, but really creating something that this is
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  something special, that it's not just, you know, we just wake up in the morning, we
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  quickly have sex, that's it.
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  But creating this deeper environment where you are supported in going deeper with your
• 18:38
  partner, where you can share deeply more emotionally and sexually.
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  Yeah?
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  So first pause, then connecting to your body, and then creating those spaces, circumstances,
• 18:50
  environment where you can go deeper into that, really different space of more sacred sexuality
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  rather than the mechanical and disconnected sex.
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  Which can be fun as well.
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  Absolutely.
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  Absolutely.
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  So so how like, do you recommend like, do you have a strategy on how people, like, create the
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  environment?
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  Like, you were saying create the environment for this.
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  Like, what does that from a standpoint of really having a, say, the best environment to
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  be able to begin to feel safe, to do this breath work, to begin to awaken themselves more
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  deeply to this heart centered sex?
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  Like, what's required of that environment?
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  I imagine it depends, but can you give a little bit of, like, insight as to what you have found
• 19:35
  to be the most helpful for that creation?
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  It really depends.
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  And I do like, I've do I've got my sexual desire blueprints, it's five different
• 19:44
  blueprints.
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  And depending on which blueprint you belong to, you're gonna need a different thing.
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  For some women, and I've got this part of being the adventurist, for me, being in a new
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  environment, somewhere where it's like it's new, it's exciting, maybe in the bush, yeah,
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  where it's a bit like, woah, there's there's a bit of sense of adventure and newness.
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  For me, that's what brings more of that.
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  Yeah?
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  For some women, if they're more of a nurturer, they might need to be in their house so they
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  know they're safe, Everything needs to be clean.
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  Everything kind of there are no distractions.
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  Yeah?
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  For this spiritual blueprint where then we need to have candlelight, maybe some spiritual
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  music, maybe have a meditation beforehand.
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  So it really depends which blueprint you are in.
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  And what's important here is really to find out rather than having a script, you know, this is
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  what we're supposed to have kind of, I guess, this more of a vanilla, right, description of
• 20:41
  how it should be.
• 20:42
  It's not that for everyone.
• 20:45
  So you need to find out what actually turns me on, what kind of environment do I need.
• 20:51
  Might be being on the beach, you know, might be in the sauna.
• 20:54
  Different people need different things.
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  So don't think of yourself like, oh, I need something different and there's something wrong
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  with me.
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  Actually, you are a different world, different world, unique and beautiful.
• 21:06
  So then what is your process on how to help people find their blueprint?
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  I've got a quiz.
• 21:12
  It's just a five coaching quiz where people can just, you know, choose the answers and then
• 21:17
  they understand which blueprint they are.
• 21:19
  And it's so it's so empowering, I think, because there's so much talk of the normality
• 21:24
  kind of this is how it should be, you know, the myth of normal, as Gabor Mate talks about it.
• 21:30
  And there's nothing I don't wanna say normal about us, but we're so unique.
• 21:35
  You know?
• 21:36
  And to find out actually what's important for you is just so empowering.
• 21:39
  And then you feel like, oh, this is just what I need.
• 21:42
  You know?
• 21:42
  Because for some people, I've got another blueprint which is a patient seeker.
• 21:45
  They actually need a sense of passion.
• 21:47
  That's the most important thing.
• 21:48
  Candles, everything doesn't matter.
• 21:50
  And that's where sometimes for those people, sex after arguments is such a turn on.
• 21:55
  Yeah?
• 21:56
  Yep.
• 21:56
  Absolutely.
• 21:58
  And and make sure everybody, I will make sure that I have that quiz from Tricia, and we'll
• 22:02
  make sure to include that in the show notes.
• 22:04
  And we're gonna conclude part one, everybody.
• 22:08
  Remember in the show notes, you can find out how to get access to part two.
• 22:12
  In part two, we're coming back with Trish, and we're talking about how to embrace the changing
• 22:17
  body with age and really talking a little bit more around how to work with our our sexuality
• 22:24
  as we change and what changes and how to embrace this time as perhaps the sexiest time
• 22:29
  of life, hopefully the sexiest time of life so far.
• 22:33
  And we're gonna talk about all of that more in part two, but I will definitely put the the
• 22:37
  quiz in the show notes.
• 22:38
  Is there anything else you wanna make sure that we name today in part one on how people get
• 22:43
  ahold of you and and your other offerings?
• 22:46
  Yeah.
• 22:46
  I have my it's a free mini course and offer five practices on how to reclaim your sexual
• 22:52
  confidence.
• 22:52
  And that's where I kind of help women to work through the shame piece.
• 22:57
  You just do these practices by yourself, and you start to feel more coming back more into
• 23:03
  your body, removing that inner critical voice, and releasing the shame.
• 23:07
  So that's, yeah.
• 23:08
  It's a five day course, and you just do fifteen minutes a day, and women get so much out.
• 23:12
  There can be a lot of shifts.
• 23:14
  But it's all in the practice.
• 23:15
  What's important is not just you listening here, it's like, oh, you understand it.
• 23:18
  Actually, coming back to the body and practicing that's what's really important.
• 23:22
  Perfect.
• 23:23
  Yep.
• 23:23
  And we'll definitely include that in the show notes as well.
• 23:25
  And I just wanna thank you so much for being here, and thank you everybody for listening.
• 23:29
  I hope everybody will take the first steps, start doing the pause work, start doing the
• 23:34
  breath work.
• 23:35
  Go get this, these two free gifts, the quiz so you learn more about your turn ons, and you're
• 23:41
  more in your your environment that creates that sexiness, and then also her mini course, her
• 23:48
  reclaim your sexual confidence, mini course as well.
• 23:50
  So all of that in the show notes, and thank you again for joining me, Tricia, and thank you
• 23:55
  everybody for tuning in to another episode on the lounge.
• 23:59
  We'll see you all real soon.
• 24:00
  Ciao for now.
• 24:01
  Bye.
• 24:06
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 24:08
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 24:09
  Please share this with your friends.
• 24:11
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.